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Jeonghan loves gay bars.  He's got a long list of reasons for liking them, but the number one reason is that Jeonghan is pretty and he knows it.

It’s not that he thrives off of attention, but Jeonghan absolutely thrives off of attention.  With his long hair and pretty face, all he ever really needs to do is toss his hair over his shoulder and he’d practically be drowning in free drinks.

Not that he would ever abuse his power.

But the free drinks are nice.

There are, of course, some drawbacks.  One of which is the guy that keeps pressing into Jeonghan’s personal space.  Despite several declarations of not interested, the guy is persistent; he’s seemingly adamant that he’ll win.  The guy is large and broad, towering over Jeonghan's slender frame; it's unnerving how the guy keeps pushing closer and closer.

“Oh babe, there you are!”  A voice calls out, and suddenly there’s an arm wrapped around Jeonghan, pulling him away from the man.  It's almost like a breath of fresh air, to finally be out from underneath the guy's looming stance.  “Is this guy giving you trouble?”

Jeonghan doesn't even care who's helping him at this point, just as long as he gets away.  He tucks himself closer against his savior.  “Babe, it's fine, he's not worth your time.  Let's just get out of here.”

The music is loud enough that they can both pretend not to hear the curses and shout of 'slut'  from the first guy as his savior leads him away, arm wrapped tightly around his waist.  He gets a good look at him as they walk off.  He’s about Jeonghan’s height, with fluffy blond hair.  Probably about the same age, too.  He's attractive, in a way that's certainly more cute than it is sexy.

They slide into a booth near the front of the bar.  The music is still loud, but there's less people.  It's almost calmer.

“So, are you okay?  That dude was really getting in your space…”

“I'm alright now, at any rate,” Jeonghan smiles.  “My name is Jeonghan.”

The stranger smiles and shakes his hand.  “I'm Minhyuk.”

From his peripherals, Jeonghan can see a table with two guys scoping them out.  He vaguely remembers seeing his savior- Minhyuk , his brain corrects- sitting at the table with them earlier in the night.

"But really, I'm okay.  You can head back to your friends if you want," Jeonghan says, gesturing to their table.

Minhyuk glances over his shoulder; his friends immediately take interest in everything that isn't Jeonghan and Minhyuk, a desperate attempt to pretend they aren't spying.  Minhyuk shakes his head and turns back to Jeonghan.  "I can hang out with them any night.  I'd much rather stay with you and make sure that you're alright."

-

They do spend much of the night together, tucked away in their booth.  After several, several drinks, Minhyuk pulls Jeonghan out onto the dance floor.  It's fun and lighthearted, nothing like the filthy grinding Jeonghan usually participates in.  But the space between them seems to grow with each passing song until the crowd has separated them completely.

Jeonghan goes home with someone else and spends the night thinking about how it would feel the kiss the blond boy instead.

-

Jeonghan does not want to be out at a club.  It's only been a week since his last outing and despite whatever rumors swirled around him, this is not how he wants to spend every weekend.  He's got a pile of homework to finish and that one drama he's been meaning to watch.

But he could only take so much of the sounds of his roommates fucking in the next room over before he lost it, heading to the club to drown his annoyance in alcohol.

“Hey babe, can I buy you a drink?”  A voice rumbles behind him, close enough that his hot breath brushes along the shell of Jeonghan's ear.  It takes every ounce of strength Jeonghan has to not immediately turn and punch the guy.

He turns quickly in his seat, curses waiting on the tip of his tongue when he's caught completely off guard by a bright, smiling face.  Jeonghan punches his shoulder.  “You piece of shit!  I was ready to deck you, you know!”

Minhyuk laughs, bright and cheerful as he sits himself next to Jeonghan.  “I'm sorry, I was messing around!  I was just really surprised to see you here and thought it'd be fun to mess around!”

"You'll be lucky to ever see me again after pulling that stunt," Jeonghan says; there's no real bite to his voice though, and he playfully knocks his shoulder into Minhyuk's to further prove he's joking.

"Seriously though, what're you doing here?  After last week, I figured I'd never see you again!"

“Ah, yeah.  I just needed a night out.  I couldn't handle being around my roommates while they humped like rabbits,” Jeonghan makes a face.  “And what are you doing out here tonight?”

“I was hoping to find someone, but it seems like I just did,” Minhyuk grins.

At the end of the night, Minhyuk walks Jeonghan safely back to his apartment.  They exchange numbers and unlike their last meeting, the night ends with a promise to meet again.

-

Jeonghan and Minhyuk fall into an easy friendship once they exchange numbers.  It turns out they even go to the same university, making it even easier to build their casual friendship.  They meet up for lunchdates and it feels like sometimes, Jeonghan talks more to Minhyuk than he does to his roommates.

Everything just seemed so natural with Minhyuk.

Until he getsThe Text.

Minhyuk

Hey, couples get free drinks tonight at the club. Wanna be my arm candy?

Jeonghan has been staring blankly at his phone for the last half an hour.  He isn't sure why he is so bothered by it.  It wouldn't be the first time he had lied to get free drinks (or free anything, for that matter).  There is just something about the ease with which Minhyuk used the word couple that seemed to set him off.

Yet he still finds himself agreeing.  If he didn't go out now, he'd get roped into third wheeling with his roommates which is not his ideal way to spend a Saturday night.

The conversation dies out after they establish their plans for the evening.  It's only several hours later, when Jeonghan is in the middle of getting ready, that his phone buzzes again.

Minhyuk

Hey, come answer your door! I’m waiting outside!!

Outside?  That wasn't part of the plan.  If Minhyuk was waiting at the door, then that meant-

“Hi, is Jeonghannie here?” Jeonghan hears Minhyuk’s voice filter through his door.  Jeonghan finishes fixing his hair and quickly rushes out of his room.

Seungcheol’s eyes are narrowed as he looks Minhyuk up and down.  “Jeonghannie didn't mention that he was having any friends over tonight.”

“Minhyuk!” Jeonghan calls, pushing Seungcheol out of the way.  Seungcheol shifts his suspicious glare over to Jeonghan.  “You really didn’t need to come inside… You should have just waited outside.”

“But if you took any longer, we’d be late to couples’ night,” Minhyuk whines.

Just like that, the air shifts.  Seungcheol’s eyes widen and from around the corner, Jisoo’s head peaks out, trying to figure out what is going on.

“Wait, did you say couples’ night?  Why would-”

“Well, would you look at the time!  We are going to be late!  Goodbye, Seungcheol,” Jeonghan yells, grabbing Minhyuk by the shoulders and pushing him out of the apartment before Seungcheol can say anymore.

They're down the stairs and out of the building before Jeonghan realizes he forgot to grab a coat.  With the way his phone keeps buzzing like crazy, a long string of texts coming from Seungcheol, Jeonghan decides it's not worth going back for one.

“So, uh, crazy roommate or something?”  Minhyuk asks once they start walking.

“Something like that,” Jeonghan grumbles.  “I didn’t mean to shove you out like that or anything but maybe just… God, they're so overbearing.  Never speak to my roommates again, honestly.”

It comes out somewhat harsh, but Minhyuk laughs it off, still smiling brightly.

After that, they walk in relative silence.  Jeonghan can’t really explain why it bothers him so much, the way Seungcheol and Jisoo reacted.  Jeonghan is an adult.  He’s allowed to make adult decisions, without telling them his every move.  And he certainly didn’t need them of all people invested in his friendships.

It’s colder outside than Jeonghan expected, as the cold of winter began to seep into autumn.  Even with long sleeves on, the lack of jacket is taking its toll on Jeonghan.  He does his best to suppress the shudder that runs through his body, but Minhyuk notices regardless.  He then sheds his jacket, wrapping it around Jeonghan’s shoulders.  When Jeonghan gives him a quizzical look, Minhyuk just grins.

“How am I supposed to get free drinks if you freeze to death?”

At the end of the night, when a drunken Jeonghan has been safely returned to his apartment, he realizes Minhyuk’s jacket is still wrapped snuggly around his shoulders.  He’ll just have to give it back next time.

-

Jeonghan should know something is going on when Jisoo corners him in the kitchen while he is getting breakfast.

“So, how was last night?”  He asks in an overly casual tone, but Jeonghan can see the excited gleam in his eyes.  Seungcheol’s head peaks around the corner, discreetly eavesdropping.

Jeonghan narrows his eyes.  “Since when do you ask about my nights out?  The last time I told you what I did at a club, you had to go to church.”

From around the corner, Seungcheol discreetly snorts.

Jisoo starts to babble incoherently and Jeonghan takes it as his cue to leave, grabbing his plate of eggs and returning into his own room.  He makes sure to discreetly slam the door shut.

-

Jeonghan is starting to get suspicious when he’s buying his Monday morning Americano from Junhui and he won’t stop asking questions.

“So, anything new and exciting in your love life?” Junhui asks from over the counter as he prepares Jeonghan’s drink.  He keeps eyeing Jeonghan’s jacket, which he belatedly realizes is the one Minhyuk gave him over the weekend.

Jeonghan glares at him.  “That’s a little personal to be asking a customer, don’t you think?”

“I haven’t seen you in like a week, I don’t know what new and wild things you’ve been up to,” he whines, finally handing Jeonghan his drink.  “Surely you must have some hot gossip for me or something.”

“Well, gee, now that you mention it, I do have some hot gossip,” Jeonghan lifts his wrist towards his face like he’s checking a watch, though his wrist is bare.  “But oh darn, look at the time.  Guess I’ll just have to tell you never!”

Jeonghan, drink in hand, turns on his heel and walks out of the shop, ignoring Junhui’s indignant cries of protest.

-

When Mingyu starts asking questions, Jeonghan is incredibly suspicious.

“Who are you texting?” Mingyu asks, trying to peer over his shoulder.  “You’re smiling, is it a boy ?”

Jeonghan flicks his forehead and pushes him back.  This is what he gets for agreeing to review Mingyu’s psychology paper for him.

“What if it is a boy?”

Mingyu’s eyes light up.  “Is it a boyfriend?  Is that why you’re smiling?”

“I’m texting Seungcheol and telling him I won’t be home for dinner,” Jeonghan explains, flicking Mingyu’s forehead again.  The younger whines.  “You’re taking me out for beef, since I’m helping with your paper.”

Mingyu lets out a loud whine, much louder than should ever be made in a library, and drops his head onto the table.

-

All of Jeonghan’s suspicions culminate when the entire group goes out for dinner that Friday night.  They’re in the middle of eating when Seungkwan tries to casually ask Jeonghan if he has a boyfriend.

“Why does everyone keep asking about my fucking love life?” Jeonghan finally snaps, slamming his drink down.  The pleasant chatter at the table dies down into an uncomfortable silence.

Seungcheol shifts awkwardly and pats Jeonghan on the shoulder.  “Listen, Jeonghannie, we all just… We care about you.  If you’re dating that energetic guy from last week, that’s great!  We just want you to know that we love and support any decision you make.”

“Minhyuk?  Why would you guys think that I'm dating Minhyuk?” Jeonghan sputters, unsure who to glare at first.

“Well, you two seem to go out often, and you've been wearing his coat all week…  Even today,” Jisoo says tentatively.

“That doesn't fucking mean anything!”  Jeonghan snaps.

“Does that mean you aren’t dating him?”  Soonyoung asks.

“Are you dating anyone then?”  Jihoon clarifies, head propped up on his hand as he leans closer.  If Jeonghan didn’t know any better, he’d say Jihoon looked excited.

Jeonghan pinches the bridge of his nose.  “No, I’m not dating anyone,” he says in an exasperated tone.

There’s a brief moment of silence, and suddenly the table bursts into cheers.  Seungkwan and Hansol high five each other, while Junhui empathetically pats Minghao’s shoulder.

“Time to pay up, chumps,” Wonwoo states, flailing his open palm at Chan and Minghao.  Begrudgingly, they each pull a handful of bills out, passing them over.  Wonwoo turns to Jisoo.  “You too, church boy.”

Sheepishly, Jisoo pulls out some bills and hands them over.  Wonwoo immediately begins dispersing them among the others.

“I’m sorry, did you guys make a bet about me dating someone?” Jeonghan squawks, smacking the people closest to him on the back of their heads.  Seungcheol and Mingyu both groan.

“It’s nothing personal,” Jihoon defends, though it’s hard to believe his monotone voice as he flicks through his newfound cash.  “You just haven’t had a serious boyfriend in years.  Not since, well, you know.  We just figured you weren’t even capable of dating someone.”

Wonwoo nods, flipping through the money he gets to keep with a smile.  “You’re… Hm, how do I say this nicely?”

“Emotionally constipated?” Hansol supplies.  Jeonghan kicks at his shins from underneath the table.  “Ow, but it’s true!”

“Yeah, you eat pretty boys for breakfast and spit them back out when they start to get too attached,” Seungkwan says with a shrug, sipping at his drink.  "You're kind of a slut."

He shoots Seungkwan a pointed glare, but is too far to do any physical damage.  “So you all bet that I couldn’t possibly be in a relationship?”

“I believed in you, Jeonghannie!”  Chan calls from the end of the table.  Jeonghan would be thankful that someone had faith in him if Chan hadn’t made a fucking bet about it.

“Unbelievable.  Un-fucking-believable,” Jeonghan mumbles, gulping down the rest of his beer.  His so-called friends all think he is too emotionally constipated to date.  What does that even mean?  Jeonghan is great boyfriend material.  What do his friends know?  Nothing about his dating life, apparently.

“Fine, fine!  You want to know the truth?” Jeonghan can feel the lie bubbling up out of him, but it’s too late to stop.  “I am dating Minhyuk!  I have been for a while, now.  I didn’t want you guys to know because you’re all assholes!  And we’re… Uh, you know.  Taking it slow.”

So slowly that Minhyuk didn’t even know, apparently.

The table goes quiet, twelve pairs of eyes falling on Jeonghan.

“Wait, you’re actually… together?”  Seokmin asks in a quiet voice.  Jeonghan is too busy reeling in his own lie to be offended by how genuinely shocked Seokmin sounds.  He nods, trying to look as convincing as possible.

“That means we won the bet!” Minghao cheers, grabbing Chan by the shoulders and shaking him in excitement.

Just like that, the silence at the table breaks.  Everyone is grumbling bitterly, yanking out bills and passing them down to new winners.

Jeonghan thinks his lie might have been worth it just to see Jihoon’s bitter expression as he hands all his money over to Jisoo.

“I’m really happy you might have found someone,” Seungcheol says, patting him on the thigh and giving him a genuine smile.

Jeonghan doesn’t think it’s worth it anymore.

-

Jeonghan sends Minhyuk a we need to talk message early the next day.  He’s surprised when all he gets in response is a time and address.  It does nothing to ease the knots in his stomach.

The address, as it turns out, is the bakery Minhyuk works in.  The time is, of course, when Minhyuk is on break.

He approaches Jeonghan’s table with two tiny cupcakes in hand.

“So, what do we need to talk about?” He asks, his tone light and pleasant.  Jeonghan feels embarrassed that Minhyuk is being so nice to him when he’s about to ask him be a part of a fake relationship.

“I want to preface this by saying it’s totally my bad and you can absolutely say no, if you want to,” Jeonghan begins.  Minhyuk just stares at him with bright eyes, nibbling at his cupcake.  It’s just not fair.  “I sort of… Well, to be completely honest, I lied to my roommates and all of my friends and said we're dating.  They made a bet about my lovelife, claiming that I couldn’t be in a relationship, so I lied and said I was in one.”

“With me,” Minhyuk supplies.

“With you,” Jeonghan nods.  “And I know that we’re not in a relationship, and we don’t need to be.  But if we could just… pretend, or something?  We'll hold hands, call each other pet names, all that gross stuff.  Just for a few months.  Just long enough that my friends acknowledge that I could totally be in a relationship and that I’m great boyfriend material.  So yeah.  That’s it.”

Minhyuk blinks a few times, slowly nodding his head.  He takes another bite from his cupcake.  His voice is surprisingly playful.  “So you want me to lie about dating you for a few months so you can rub it in your friends’ faces that they’re jackasses?  With no real benefit for me in the end?”

Jeonghan’s got a list of benefits ready on the tip of his tongue when Minhyuk surprises him.

“Sure, I’ll do it.”

-

Wonwoo corners him in the university’s cafeteria a few days later.

“So it's Lee Minhyuk, right?  The blond third year?” He asks, dropping his tray down on the table unceremoniously.

“Hello Wonwoo, nice to see you too,” Jeonghan says drily. “But yes, that's the one.  Why?”

“I know one of his friends.”

Oh no.

“It's one of his roommates, actually.  He's been in a few of my business classes and we've become friends of a sort.  I asked him about you.”

Oh no.

“He was confused, because apparently Minhyuk went through a really bad breakup not too long ago and hasn't shown any interest in dating again,” Wonwoo’s eyes narrow.  “You're not lying about being in a relationship, are you?”

“Is this about your stupid bet?” Jeonghan groans, and pinches the bridge of his nose.  “I told you that we’re taking it slow.  The only reason you guys even know is because you're all assholes.”

Wonwoo stares Jeonghan down for a solid minute before he shrugs and begins to stuff food into his mouth.  “Fair enough,” he says with a shrug.

“Now if you'll excuse me, I have a class to get to,” Jeonghan declares, gathering his things and leaving.

If he sends Minhyuk a panicked text about the entire exchange, Wonwoo will never know.

-

Wonwoo, as it turns out, is not the only one of his friends that's overly invested in his alleged relationship.  Seungcheol tries, on more than one occasion, to broach the topic, but Jeonghan is used to dodging all of his questions.

Until Seungcheol wanders into his room and corners him.

“Listen, I know I was maybe a little overbearing when I first met Minhyuk, but that doesn’t mean he should be afraid of me.  It seems like you’re never going to bring him around here.”

To be fair, Jeonghan hadn’t been planning on bringing him to the apartment.  He figured he could get away with just going out on dates, or lying about going out on dates, and then once enough time had passed, they’d break up.

“We can go on a double date!” Seungcheol seems to light up at his own idea.

“Whoa man, no way.  A double date?  With you, specifically?”

“It'll be a good chance for me and Jisoo to scope him out!  Judge whether or not he's fit to date you!”

It's a terrible idea.

“That's a terrible idea,” Jeonghan states flatly.  “First of all, this isn't middle school.  Who even goes on double dates anymore?  But more importantly, how would I even suggest that?  Oh present boyfriend, go on a double-date with my ex-boyfriend and his current boyfriend who both just so happen to be my roommates!  Because that would go well in any relationship.”

Seungcheol pouts dramatically.  “Just consider it, at least?”

“I will absolutely not consider it.”

-

“I can't believe I'm actually considering it,” Jeonghan mumbles to himself the next day as he pulls out his phone.

How would you feel about a double-date?

Minhyuk

That sounds like so much fun!!!!! Let's do it! :3

Jeonghan almost wishes Minhyuk could be less enthusiastic about the whole thing.

They decide to meet up that evening, to work out all the nuances of their fake relationship.  Seungcheol would get suspicious if they had allegedly been seeing each other for a few weeks but knew nothing about one another.  Despite the budding friendship between the two, everything had been rather superficial, sharing common interests instead of personal information.  They start off with all the small things, such as their majors, their birthdays, their coffee orders, and build up from there.

Jeonghan learns that Minhyuk is a third year communications major, that he's worked in the bakery since his freshman year, that he drinks his coffee with a disgusting amount of sugar and milk, and that he can't wait to graduate so he can adopt all the puppies he wants.

Likewise, Jeonghan explains that he's a third year teaching major, minoring in literature and psychology ("Like a pretentious asshole," Minhyuk comments), he only drinks his coffee black ("Really like a pretentious asshole! "), he secretly has to wear glasses, and that Seungcheol is, in fact, his ex.

“Wait, your ex?  We’re double dating with your ex?  Your roommate is your ex?”

"Yup," Jeonghan says, shrugging casually.

"Guess that explains why he was so defensive that night I picked you up," Minhyuk muses quietly.  He tilts his head to the side.  "Isn't that, I don't know, weird?  Or something?"

It's certainly not the first time someone has asked Jeonghan that question.  “We were friends before we started dating and the dating thing didn't last very long but sharing rent was cheap.  And then he met Jisoo and a two bedroom apartment is a lot cheaper split between three people.  It's whatever.”

Minhyuk frowns, his eyebrows furrowing.  “You never get like, jealous or anything?”

“I think I did in the beginning.  Not because I still had feelings but because… I don't know.  They're happy together.  I was more jealous of what they had instead of who they were, you know?  And it was weird for a bit, when Jisoo didn't know me very well.  He might have felt more jealous than I did, honestly.  I don't know.  Everything's good now… They're good together.  I'm happy for them,” Jeonghan looks down at his food, unable to meet Minhyuk’s eye.  It's been so long since he had thought about his relationship to Seungcheol compared to Jisoo’s.

A phantom sense of loneliness begins to creeps up his spine.

Maybe Minhyuk senses Jeonghan’s distress because he immediately changes the topic. “So, how did we end up dating?”

-

“So, how did you two end up dating?” Seungcheol asks, trying to find a pleasant conversation starter for the double date.

Minhyuk immediately brightens at the question.  “Well, I work at this bakery.  I meet tons of interesting people.  And in walks Jeonghan, looking absolutely radiant as he always does,” Minhyuk smiles, like he's thinking about a fond memory.  Jeonghan is just impressed at how well he's going through their lie.  “I was so nervous, but I just had to get to know him.”

“I was hesitant when he approached me, but he was cute enough for me to give him a chance,” Jeonghan says with a nonchalant shrug.  “Guess it worked out that I did.”

"I'm certainly glad it did," Minhyuk says; he gives Jeonghan an absolutely nauseating, lovesick smile before he quickly turns his attention to Jisoo.  “What about you two?  How'd you two meet?”

As Seungcheol recounts the tale of his awkward courting with Jisoo, Minhyuk’s hand finds his.  He laces their fingers together, on top of the table for all to see.

Jeonghan can't explain why, but Minhyuk holding his hand seems to make the whole date a lot easier.

-

Jisoo and Seungcheol immediately pass along their approval of Minhyuk to the rest of the group.  The problem then becomes Minhyuk’s friends; meaning that only a few days after the double date, Jeonghan finds himself at Minhyuk’s apartment being introduced to his friends.

The group is much smaller than his own, though considering the thirteen person herd Jeonghan is used to traveling in, anything less seemed small.

"So this is Hyungwon, Hoseok, and Hyunwoo.  They're the ones that don't live in the apartment, but never seem to leave," Minhyuk smiles, gesturing to three of the guys.

"That's rich coming from the couch dweller," Hyungwon drawls.  He keeps looking at Jeonghan with a bored disinterest; it's unnerving.

"And that's Changkyun and Jooheon, they share that room," Minhyuk continues, ignoring Hyungwon's comment completely.  Jooheon is squinting at him, a vague sense of recognition on his face.  Jeonghan thinks he was one of the friends Minhyuk had been with the night they met.  "And that's Kihyun.  Everyone, this is Jeonghan, my… My new boyfriend."

Silence overtakes the room, stretching on and on and on.  Jeonghan just wants the floor to open up and swallow him whole.

"So I guess this is why Wonwoo was asking if you had a boyfriend," Changkyun jokes; it's forced, but his tone is lighthearted enough to break the tension in the room.

"I would have worn something nicer if I knew," Hoseok offers, glancing down at his plain muscle shirt and jeans.

"Minhyukkie just wanted to surprise you all!" Jeonghan lies, grabbing onto Minhyuk's hand.  He makes sure to squeeze it as hard as he can.

"Well, we're certainly surprised," Kihyun says bitterly.

After that, they all begin to question Jeonghan.  Where he's from, how old he is, what his major is, how he started dating Minhyuk; it's essentially all the same questions that Seungcheol and Jisoo had asked Minhyuk on their double-date.

Eventually, things settle.  The questions die out and everyone disperses through the apartment.  Jooheon, Changkyun, Hyungwon, and Hyunwoo claim the TV so they can play some video game, while Kihyun and Hoseok head into the kitchen to make dinner for everyone.

"I can't believe you didn't tell them who I was before I got here," Jeonghan chides quietly.  The two are sitting on the couch, Jeonghan tucked comfortably into Minhyuk's side.  Despite the group sitting only a few feet away from them, all the screaming at the game drowns out their own conversation.

"Come on, half the fun is the surprise!"

Jeonghan elbows Minhyuk sharply in the side.  "I thought Kihyun was going to murder me."

"He's like that with everyone," Minhyuk shrugs, then pulls Jeonghan even closer against him and hums.  "You're warm."

They stay like that for a few minutes, quietly watching the game, before Jeonghan remembers something.

"Why'd they call you a couch dweller?"

Minhyuk tenses immediately.  "I pay rent, but I'm not currently living in one of the rooms.  I sleep on this couch," he admits.  Jeonghan looks up at him questioningly, encouraging him to further explain.  "My last housing situation um, fell through.  It was a very last minute thing.  I'll be moving into Kihyun's room eventually.  We just haven't had a lot of time."

"Dinner is ready!" Hoseok calls from the kitchen.  Just like that, Minhyuk is up and smiling, dragging Jeonghan up off the couch and into the kitchen.

-

After dinner, the group returns to their video game, Hoseok and Kihyun staying behind to wash the dishes and clean up.  Jeonghan feels exhausted, dozing off slightly as he leans against the warmth of Minhyuk's chest.

"I should go home soon," he mumbles sleepily.

"If you're tired, you can stay here overnight," Minhyuk offers, his hand tracing lines up and down Jeonghan's arm.

"No, I should go," Jeonghan declares, then immediately yawns.  "If I get up and moving, I'll wake up.  Plus, I need to pee."

On legs that still tingle with sleep, Jeonghan manages to stand and start to waddle towards the bathroom.  He has to pass by the kitchen to get there, Kihyun and Hoseok's conversation filtering out of the room quietly.

"...Him of all people, and so soon after Myungsoo," Hoseok says.

"I don't trust him," Kihyun's voice rings out.  "I know you said he has a reputation but I didn't think…  It was like he was checking you out more than he was Minhyuk."

"God, he probably was, I didn't even notice.  I was too distracted by how fucking starry-eyed Minhyuk looked whenever he looked at him," Hoseok groans.

"Minhyuk is too good to get used again," Kihyun says.  Jeonghan quickly hurries to the bathroom; if he hears anymore, he might be sick.

In the bathroom, he splashes water on his face; he no longer needed to worry about waking up more, the overheard conversation more than enough to leave him wide awake.  Now it was just a question of whether or not what he was doing with Minhyuk was right.  His lungs feel tight, the crushing weight of an oncoming anxiety attack slowly seeping through him.  He takes a few deep breaths to steady himself before exiting the bathroom.

Minhyuk stands as Jeonghan approaches him.  "You sure you don't want to stay?"

The conversation echoes through his head.  "No, I'm good, thank you."

Minhyuk walks him to the door of the apartment.  "Tonight was fun," he says casually, like this really is a pleasant date night coming to an end.  "I'm glad you got to meet everyone."

"Yeah, it was fun," Jeonghan says, ignoring the knot in his stomach.  "I'll see you soon, okay?"

"Text me when you get home," Minhyuk says, then pulls Jeonghan into a tight hug.  Somewhere from the group in front of the TV, a call of 'get a room! ' is heard.  They part, and Jeonghan nods one final farewell to Minhyuk.

Kihyun's words of distrust rattle around in Jeonghan's head for his entire journey home.  He isn't using Minhyuk.  If it's not a real relationship, then there are no real feeling.

No one is going to get hurt, Jeonghan decides.  He and Minhyuk are just having fun.

-

Fortunately, fake dating Minhyuk makes it easy for Jeonghan to maintain his old habits.  Approximately three weeks into their official fake relationship, they head out to a club.  They lie to Seungcheol and Jisoo when Minhyuk picks him up, claiming it was just a date night.

And it is.

Kind of.

Jeonghan leaves Minhyuk for a few minutes, only planning to use the bathroom, when he runs into a handsome stranger.  He doesn't mean to get pinned against the bathroom door by the random hot guy, but as the guy licks and bites his way along Jeonghan’s neck, he's not really going to complain.

Minhyuk looks at him with a sense of disdain when he returns from the bathroom looking completely fucked out, but he knocks another drink back and the disdain is replaced with his usual smile.

At the end of the night, Minhyuk makes a point to walk Jeonghan back to his apartment.  He’s a bit drunk, with clumsy footing, but nowhere near as bad as Jeonghan.

Somewhere along the way, under the brightness of a streetlamp, Minhyuk stops them and touches his neck.  There’s bruises blossoming along his skin, red and angry.

“You shouldn’t do stuff like this while we’re together,” Minhyuk says quietly.  If Jeonghan was less drunk, maybe he’d notice the slightly hurt tone in his voice.

"You mean slutty things?"  Jeonghan asks in a bitter voice, words slurring together.

Minhyuk frowns.  "That's not what I meant."

“I’ll just tell everybody it was you,” Jeonghan shrugs nonchalantly, but the gentle hand still brushing along his neck is starting to feel like it’s choking him.  He doesn’t know why it suddenly feels wrong that he hooked up with a stranger, but he can no longer look Minhyuk in the eye.

Minhyuk pulls his hand away and resumes walking towards Jeonghan’s apartment, leaving the other to scramble after him.  “Just… Don’t do it again.  It’s risky."

“Okay,” Jeonghan says, and that’s the end of it.

-

Jeonghan is making himself a bowl of cereal the next morning when there’s a low wolf whistle from behind him.  “Taking it slow, my ass,” Seungcheol laughs, poking at the marks on Jeonghan’s neck.  Something akin to embarrassment creeps up his spine, twinged with shame.  “Can’t say I’m surprised Minhyuk is a biter.”

Jeonghan’s face flushes and his ears feel like they’re burning, but he keeps his face as neutral as possible.  “Listen, Choi.  My wall is up against yours.  Don’t think I don’t have plenty of blackmail on you.”

Seungcheol just laughs heartily as Jeonghan puts the milk away and begins to retreat to his room.  “I can’t wait to tell everybody that you’re covered in hickeys!”

“And I can’t wait to tell everybody that Jisoo calls you daddy!” Jeonghan watches all the color drain from Seungcheol’s face as he shuts the door.

He knows everyone will find out about the hickeys anyway, but he’ll be damned if Seungcheol is the one to tell everybody.

-

The second he enters the coffee shop for his Monday morning Americano, Junhui’s eyes narrow in on his scarf.

“It's a bit warm out to be wearing that, don't you think, Jeonghannie?”  Junhui asks, squinting at the offending piece of fabric.

“I'm a slave to fashion, what can I say?” Jeonghan feigns nonchalance, though he reaches a hand up to adjust the scarf.

When his drink is made, he leans in to grab it, only to have Junhui snatch his scarf off in response.

“I fucking knew it!” He cries out, pointing to the series of bruises all across Jeonghan’s neck.  Jeonghan’s cheeks burn.

He takes his scarf back, grabbing his drink before he storms out of the shop.  He has barely been out of the coffee shop for a minute when his phone starts to buzz.

Junhui

Jeonghan’s neck looks like it got mauled by an animal, he's got a FUCK TON OF HICKEYS

Wonwoo

i'm not saying i totally called that minhyuk is into some kinky shit but u guys owe me 50,000 won

Wonwoo and Junhui had a threesome with some kid at Soonyoung’s birthday last year

If I go down

I'm dragging you down with me

Jihoon

1 i never bet ya piece of shit and 2 holy fuck

Soonyoung

U GUYS GOT LAID ON MY BIRTHDAY AND I DIDNT ?!

Mingyu

WITH WHO?????????

A blond kid, my year

I won't share the name

Yet

Just like that, the group chat shifts from Jeonghan’s hickeys to speculations on the apparent threesome.  Normally Jeonghan wouldn't care that they all knew about his sex life, but something about the fact that the hickeys weren't from Minhyuk made him feel unbelievably guilty.

But he doesn't dwell on it; instead he just pulls the scarf tighter around his neck and continues his walk to class.

-

"So we should definitely establish fake dating rules," Minhyuk says, setting down food in front of Jeonghan.

Absently, Jeonghan touches the faded bruises still littering his neck.  "Rules are probably a good idea."

"We shouldn't be hooking up with other people," Minhyuk says firmly.  "If any of your friends or any of my friends saw that, you'd be screwed."

Jeonghan shrinks down in his seat a bit, picking absently at the chocolate cupcake in front of him.  "That's fair.  Any other rules you want to put in place?"

"Not sure," Minhyuk shrugs.  "After all, it's your fake relationship."

"We should keep PDA to a minimum," Jeonghan suggests.  "Just like handholding and maybe cheek kissing.  No real kissing or anything.  We don't want to make our friendship weird."

"Right, of course!"  Minhyuk nods enthusiastically.  "It's good to keep our friendship in mind with this whole thing."

"And we should have a definite end date to all this."

"You have any time in mind?"  Minhyuk asks, cocking his head to the side.  "Just say the word and we'll break up."

"I was thinking like, two or three months, maximum.  Long enough to show that we were committed, but not so long together that it would make being friends awkward after we break up," Jeonghan says after a long moment of thinking.  "So we hang out, hold hands, flirt in front of my friends, and then in about two months, we'll just says oops, turns out we're better off as friends and then everything goes back to normal!"

"It's a deal," Minhyuk says, sticking out his hand out.

They shake on it, just like the business deal it really is.

-

The downfall to being an education major is that everyone seeks Jeonghan out when it comes to editing papers.  Which is how Jeonghan ends up waking up one Sunday morning to a frantic string of texts from a stressed out Chan, in need of a paper review before he has to turn it in at midnight.

Despite his exhaustion and the hunger gnawing at his stomach, he calls Chan.  The younger picks up on the first ring.  "You're a dumbass," Jeonghan declares, foregoing any form of greeting.

"Jeonghannie, please review my paper!  Please, please, please!  It's for my religion class.  I already have a C, I need to do well!" Chan sounds like he could start crying at any moment.  Jeonghan takes pity on him.

"Okay.  Buy me breakfast," Jeonghan spies the clock, reading close to noon.  He corrects himself quickly.  "Buy me lunch and I'll help with your paper."

It sounds like Chan does start crying, though they seem to be tears of relief.  "Anything you want!  I'll buy you anything you want!"

Jeonghan ponders for a few seconds, before he remembers the delicious cupcakes he has had at the bakery where Minhyuk works.  It is an easy way to kill two birds with one stone; help Chan with his paper and prove to another friend that he's great boyfriend material.  

He gives him the address and promises to meet him there in half an hour.  Jeonghan spends half of his allotted half hour just trying to pick the right outfit; the fact that he would be seeing Minhyuk makes him feel as though he has to dress his best, like he has something to prove.

Chan is waiting outside the bakery, looking like he's on the verge of a breakdown when Jeonghan shows up.  The younger boy sets their stuff up at a table when Jeonghan goes to order food for the two of them, pausing to talk to Minhyuk.

"I didn't expect to see you here," Minhyuk says, after Jeonghan finishes ordering his food.

"Am I not allowed to come see my boyfriend?"  Jeonghan asks, trying to sound as innocent as he can.

"Are you here to woo me and impress your little friend with your outstanding relationship abilities?"  Minhyuk grins, sliding the food across the counter.

"Oh, you know it baby," Jeonghan smirks.  "How much do I owe?"

Minhyuk shakes his head.  "My treat, boyfriend."

"You're the best," Jeonghan says in a loud voice.  He glances over to make sure he has Chan's attention, then leans across the counter to kiss Minhyuk's cheek.

Chan screeches in distress.  "You're supposed to be helping with my paper, not making out with your boyfriend!"  He whines very loudly across the shop.  Jeonghan rolls his eyes and grabs their food, heading over to their table before the younger starts crying.

He misses the heavy flush that flooded Minhyuk's cheeks.

The time passes relatively quickly.  Within two hours, Chan's paper has been sufficiently edited, the younger boy no longer on the verge of a breakdown.  Minhyuk manages to make a few stops to their table, under the guise that he was wiping down the surrounding tables.  With a few bright smiles and a gentle hair ruffle, it seems like he has completely won over Chan's heart.

"Jeonghannie, I like him," Chan declares quietly, as Minhyuk heads back over to man the counter again.

"He paid for your food, you better like him," Jeonghan jokes, kicking at Chan's shin under the table.

"No I mean…  He seems nice.  I'm glad you're dating him," the younger boy says, a shy smile on his face.

Jeonghan blushes.  "Me too."

-

When Jeonghan asks Minhyuk if he wants to hang out for the afternoon, he's shocked to be rejected.

Minhyuk

We're officially moving me into Kihyun's room today. Goodbye couch, hello bunk beds!

You could come help me move, if you want :3

So, Jeonghan finds himself in Minhyuk's apartment half an hour later.

"When you said you were switching to bunk beds, I think I kind of assumed they were already put together," Jeonghan says, eyeing the box wearily.

"Where's the fun in moving if you don't have to spend hours struggling to put together furniture?" Minhyuk asks, a huge grin spread across his face.

"Stop acting like you're moving, you're just switching rooms," Changkyun groans, carrying another box into the room.

"Don't ruin this for me, Changkyun," Minhyuk glares at the younger boy, but there's a hint of laughter in his tone.

Changkyun isn't able to stick around long, only able to help dissemble Kihyun's old bed and empty the box of bunk bed parts before he has to head off to his job.  In the brief time together, Jeonghan decides that he likes Changkyun.  He makes a mental note to tell Wonwoo to invite Changkyun out with them all sometime.

With just the two of them, they set to work quickly, albeit messily.  There are parts everywhere, the room turned into a dangerous construction zone.  It doesn't take long for Jeonghan to bore, sprawling across the floor while Minhyuk kneels next to him, still working on the bed.

"Minhyukkie, this is boring," Jeonghan whines, even pouting for good measure.  His complaint falls on deaf ears, Minhyuk ignoring him completely in favor of continuing his work.  Jeonghan's pout turns to a frown.  He outstretches an arm, poking at Minhyuk's stomach.  "I said, I'm bored."

"Hey, stop," Minhyuk swats at Jeonghan's hands; his voice is airy, a laugh threatening to burst through.  He starts to giggle when the poking persists.

Jeonghan sits up immediately.  "Holy shit, you're ticklish!"

Minhyuk's eyes go wide.  "No I'm not, I'm absolutely not!"  He tries to defend himself, but it's too late.  Jeonghan dives in, digging his fingers into Minhyuk's ribs.  The other boy lets out a shriek, squirming to get away.

They quickly end up sprawled on the ground, Jeonghan pinning Minhyuk flat on his back.  There are tears forming in Minhyuk's eyes as he finally manages to interlock his fingers with Jeonghan's, yanking them far away from his sides and pulling them to rest above his head.

They stay like that for a moment, staring at one another; Minhyuk flat on his back, Jeonghan straddling his hips.  Their hands are pinned above Minhyuk's heads while both their chests rapidly rise and fall.  Briefly, Jeonghan thinks about how easy it would be to lean in and kiss Minhyuk's pretty pink lips.

Before he can even process the thought, the bedroom door is kicked open and Kihyun bursts in.  He freezes when he sees the couple on the floor.  "Holy shit, keep it PG in here!"

"Kihyun, it's not what it looks like!"  Minhyuk tries to defend himself, squirming to get out from under Jeonghan.

"It's fine, man, I don't know what you do," Kihyun shrugs, then shoots a glare at Jeonghan.  "If I catch you having sex in the bunk above me, I'm kicking you both out of the apartment permanently."

Jeonghan doesn't voice it outloud, but he's fairly certain that will never be an issue.

-

Seungcheol

Bring Minhyuk to get drinks with us tonight

Drinks are supposed to be friends only- no dates

Seungcheol

Yeah but I bring Jisoo every time so who cares??

It's our last chance to go out before finals and he still hasn't been out with all 13 of us

Invite him

-

It's no surprise that Minhyuk is thrilled to get drinks with them.  He sends Jeonghan no less than seventeen different outfit suggestions before finally deciding on one.  Jeonghan finds the entire thing kind of ridiculous, but can't help the fondness creeping over him when Minhyuk arrives at his door, bundled in a thick scarf and knitted hat.

"Cute," Jeonghan says, tugging absently at Minhyuk's scarf.  The other boy beams.

"How come you never compliment my scarf?"  Seungcheol asks as he and Jisoo enter the room.  Jisoo eyes him and his scarf wearily.

"You bought that thing at a thrift store and it's been falling apart since before you got it," Jisoo says with disdain.  Then he reaches over, squishing Seungcheol's face in his hand.  "But I guess the boy wearing the scarf is kind of cute."

"This is getting disgusting," Jeonghan deadpans.  "Drink-nights are supposed to be a date free zone."

"Fair enough," Seungcheol shrugs.  The four of them proceed to head out, starting the short trek to the restaurant for dinner.

They're the last to arrive, the other ten people already situated around an enormous table.  They settle in and the entire group proceeds to order more than enough food to feed a small army.

It's a madhouse of introductions and names and Chan fighting to get the seat next to Minhyuk, still in awe over him after their first meeting.

The night goes off without a hitch.  Jeonghan and Minhyuk hold hands and lean into each other and Minhyuk even sneaks a kiss onto Jeonghan's cheek, pretending to be discreet despite waiting for a moment when everyone is looking.  But more than that, it goes off without a hitch because Minhyuk fits in perfectly.  He laughs at all of Wonwoo's bad puns, he rivals Seungkwan in storytelling ability, and even Seokmin and Soonyoung are amazed by his energy level.  To any outsiders, it would seem that Minhyuk had always been a part of their group.

At the end of the night, there's warmth blossoming in the pit of Jeonghan's stomach; he tries his best to blame just the alcohol.

-

Jeonghan is stressed.  With finals fast approaching, it feels like all he does is work and study.  He's not even sure that he's breathing anymore.  There’s nothing but caffeine pumping through his blood at this point

He's been working for hours in the living area; his laptop is practically burning through the coffee table at this point, with his notebooks sprawled everywhere.

There's a knock at the door; Jeonghan’s legs are stiff and half asleep when he rises to answer.  It must have been one of the neighbors getting locked out again or something.

When he opens the door, a wave of self consciousness washes over him.  Minhyuk stands before him; he looks like a model with his hair perfectly styled and the way his pea coat wraps tightly around his pink sweater.  There's a cup of coffee in each of his hands.

Jeonghan is suddenly too aware of how he looks.  His hair, unwashed, is half tied up in a sloppy bun on the top of his head.  His shirt has several holes littering the collar and his sweatpants have an old, unidentifiable stain across the thigh.  Worst of all, he's wearing his glasses, the frames resting low on the bridge of his nose.

“Minhyuk!  What are you doing here?”  Jeonghan exclaims.

“I figured you could use some coffee to save you from finals hell.  Mind if I come in?”

Jeonghan glances back at the pile of work sprawled across the room, biting his lip.  He knows he shouldn’t but…

“Of course you can come in!”  Jeonghan opens the door wider, allowing Minhyuk to enter; he also takes the coffee cup in the hand Minhyuk extends towards him.  When the door is shut, Jeonghan glances down at himself again and frowns.  “I should, uh.  I should change.”

Minhyuk laughs.  “There’s no need,” he says, reaching out to tuck a stray chunk of hair behind Jeonghan’s ear.  “You look radiant as always.”

“Oh fuck off,” Jeonghan mumbles, dipping his head to hide the flush on his cheeks.

"What, am I not allowed to compliment my boyfriend?"  Minhyuk smirks.  His hand is still grazing along the side of Jeonghan's face and suddenly the apartment is way too warm.

Jeonghan moves away first, face flushed and unable to meet Minhyuk's eye.  "Don't worry, the lovers aren't here tonight.  It's just me, my laptop, a pot of coffee, and a fifteen page paper."

"You think any of them are gonna rat us out?"  Minhyuk laughs.  

Jeonghan hums gently, like he's genuinely considering it.  "Nah, I think our secret is safe."

The two sit on the couch, Jeonghan stationed in front of his laptop.  Despite not having to pretend, Minhyuk still crowds into his space.  The lack of boundaries is something Jeonghan has started getting used to, comforted by the constant physical attention.

"So you sure you don't mind me being here?  I'll leave if you want to work alone," Minhyuk offers, leaning his head into Jeonghan's shoulder.

Jeonghan takes a sip of the coffee Minhyuk brought; it's much hotter than the lukewarm cup he had previously been nursing.  The drink is strong, no milk or sugar to cut back the bite of caffeine.  It's perfect.

"Honestly, I could use some company."

-

Jeonghan wakes up to a crick in his neck and a warm hand laced with his.  He doesn't remember falling asleep on the couch, so caught up in his paper that he wasn't even aware when he drifted out of consciousness.  Someone rearranged him in his sleep, a pillow tucked carefully under his head and a blanket wrapped neatly around him.

When he glances down next to him, he sees Minhyuk sprawled across the floor.  He has a pillow and blanket of his own.  What's most impressive is that his hand is raised, fingers link with Jeonghan's where they dangle off of the couch.

Jeonghan feels surprisingly calm, despite still needing to finish the paper.  So calm that he gently squeezes Minhyuk's hand, and lets himself drift back off to sleep.

-

"Hold my hand," Jeonghan orders.  The two are walking to get lunch together, planning to celebrate the end of finals.

Minhyuk quickly intertwines his fingers with Jeonghan's; Minhyuk's hands are warm, skinning burning hot against Jeonghan's.

"Why, did you see someone?  Did someone see us?"  Minhyuk asks, trying to glance around for any sign of a familiar face.

Jeonghan takes their intertwined hands and shoves them into the pocket of Minhyuk's coat.  "I didn't see anyone, my hand was just cold."

Minhyuk is quiet for a moment before he bursts into loud laughter, each laugh turning into a puff of fog as he exhales into the cold air.  "You're so spoiled," Minhyuk teases, squeezing his hand tight in the warm confines of his coat pocket.  "It's like you think we're actually dating or something."

Jeonghan just knocks their shoulders together and laughs.

-

There's no reason to keep the farce up over winter break.  Especially not when Seungcheol and Jisoo have left the apartment for over a week.

Yet somehow, here they are, curled up under a single blanket on the couch, while an old Christmas movie plays on the TV.  Jeonghan has even made them both hot chocolates.

“My family is having an early Christmas celebration tomorrow night,” Minhyuk says casually, sipping at his drink.  “You should come.”

Jeonghan nudges him with his shoulder. “How serious are you making this fake relationship, babe?” He asks with a laugh, tacking the pet name on for good measure.

Minhyuk falters, clearly caught off guard by the question. “No, no! Not like that,” he recovers with a slight chuckle. “Just as a friend.  My mom is always saying I should bring friends over but none are ever here for Christmas.  I figured since you're alone in this apartment…”

Jeonghan considers it.  He doesn't have any real plans until Christmas Day, when he’ll be visiting his family. “Sure.  Sounds like fun.”

Minhyuk smiles brightly, curling closer to Jeonghan.  With that, the conversation dies out; all that's left is the faint buzz of the heater and the stale dialogue playing out on the TV.

-

Jeonghan shifts nervously outside the door until a middle-aged woman flings it open.  She smiles brightly.  “You must be Minhyukkie’s friend!  Come in, come in!  He's just helping out with some of the kids.”

The woman, who Jeonghan later finds out is Minhyuk’s mother, leads him through the small house to Minhyuk, buried under a pile of kids.  They all giggle and squeal as he makes silly faces at them.  Minhyuk’s mother clears her throat.  “Minhyukkie, your guest!”

Minhyuk is up immediately, smiling brightly at Jeonghan as he pulls him into an uncharacteristically short hug.

Somewhere between Minhyuk introducing Jeonghan with an overemphasis on their friendship and the repeated question of when Minhyuk would bring a girl home for Christmas, it clicks for Jeonghan; Minhyuk isn't out to his family.

He can see the underlying tension in Minhyuk’s expression as he tries to brush off his uncle’s pleas for him to find a girl and settle down.  His shoulders are taut and his smile seems a little bit duller than usual.  There's nothing Jeonghan can do or say, not in front of everybody else, so he does the only thing he can think of.  Under the table, he presses his thigh into Minhyuk’s, his ankle hooking gently around the other’s.  Almost instantly, Jeonghan can see some of the tension slip away, and it's like lying to his family isn't that bad.

When the food is all finished and the children finally pry themselves away from Jeonghan, Minhyuk takes Jeonghan up to his room.  It’s small, pictures and posters scattering the light blue walls.  It's strangely intimate being in his childhood room; Jeonghan almost feels like he doesn't belong, that he shouldn't be here.

“Sorry about your hair,” Minhyuk says absently, fidgeting around his room as though trying to make it more acceptable for Jeonghan. “The cousins mean well, but I think their braids are more like knots.  You want help fixing that?”

Minhyuk finally settles on the edge of his bed and gestures for Jeonghan to sit in front of him.  Once Jeonghan settles on the floor between Minhyuk’s legs, Minhyuk’s hands begin gently untangling the makeover he had received.

“Your family doesn't know, do they?” Jeonghan asks quietly.  It's easier to have this conversation with his back to Minhyuk.  Minhyuk lets out a small hum of confusion, as if to state that he didn't quite catch what Jeonghan was saying.  “You haven't come out to them.”

“Oh...  That.  Yeah,” Minhyuk’s hands slow, but don't stop working their way through Jeonghan’s hair.  “It's just.  It's easier this way.  I don't know.  Maybe someday I will marry a girl and they'll never even know that their son was…”

His hands stop as his voice trails off, punctuating the end of his sentence with a heavy sigh.

Jeonghan turns to face Minhyuk, leaning his head against the inside of Minhyuk’s thigh.  “You're fine just the way you are,” Jeonghan says softly.  Minhyuk’s hands have resumed unknotting Jeonghan’s hair, gentle and warm as they run through the silky strands.  “Maybe your family will accept you.  Maybe they won't.  It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you.”

Jeonghan looks up to see Minhyuk pulling his hands up to his face, wiping frantically at the tears starting to come out.  “Thank you.”

They stare at each other silently for a moment, neither sure where this exchange will take them.

But then a child starts screaming in the next room over and the moment is lost.  Minhyuk is up and smiling, ready to rescue whichever little cousin it was, and Jeonghan is left wondering just how much of the Minhyuk he sees is all an act.

-

Seungcheol and Jisoo return a few days after Christmas.  Minhyuk comes around, the four having a small dinner together.

Seungcheol recounts the pleasant trip to Daegu, and Jisoo tells all about the late night Skype call they had with his family back in the States.  In turn, Minhyuk tells them all about how his little cousins all fell in love with Jeonghan and won't stop talking about him.  It's Jeonghan's turn to share now.

“Mom has a new boyfriend,” Jeonghan frowns.  “He's been around for a few months.  She didn't want to tell me because I ‘wouldn't approve’ or whatever.”

Seungcheol frowns.  “That fucking sucks, man.”

“Wait, why is that a bad thing?”  Minhyuk asks in a quiet voice.

Jeonghan shuts his eyes and throws back the rest of his drink.  “Because she's got shit taste and I'm sure this asshole will leave her, just like everyone else she's ever dated.”

"Oh I- I'm so sorry," Minhyuk offers, seeming to shrink away from Jeonghan.

Jeonghan sighs and reaches out to grab Minhyuk's hand, giving it a gentle squeeze.  He hadn't meant to snap, but his mom is a constant sore subject.  "Don't apologize, you didn't know."

Seungcheol quickly shifts the subject, bringing up the impending New Year's Eve party instead.  He has known Jeonghan long enough to know talking about his mom is always bad news.  Jeonghan can still feel the irritation bubbling inside of him.  But Minhyuk strokes gentle circles onto the back of Jeonghan's hand, doing his best to calm him.

After dinner, Jeonghan takes responsibility cleaning up.  He tries to ignore Minhyuk as he trails after him, setting to work at cleaning the dishes in the sink.  It's not that he means to ignore Minhyuk, but he's still unsettled by the other boy knowing about his personal problems.

However, it's nearly impossible to ignore him when Minhyuk's arms snake around Jeonghan's waist, nose nuzzling against his neck.  "I'm sorry," he says quietly, lips moving against Jeonghan's skin.

"They can't see you here,"  Jeonghan tells him, keeping his attention on the dishes in the sink.

"Just let me hug you, okay?  It's what I'm good at," Minhyuk says; his voice is still quiet, but there's a firmness to it that cause Jeonghan to melt into his grip.

"You know I forgive you, right?"  Jeonghan says.  He'd never really been mad at Minhyuk in the first place, more just misplaced irritation about his own mother.  Still, Minhyuk smiles against Jeonghan's neck and it feels like a weight has been lifted off his chest.

He can't help but think that maybe, if all the circumstances were different, Minhyuk really would be good for him.

Maybe, just maybe, he would be good for Minhyuk, too.

-

New Year's Eve is always a legendary party; Soonyoung and Seokmin round up every single person they know, while everyone pitches in to buy alcohol.

Minhyuk, excited to be attending this legendary event, insisted heavily on bringing a few bottles of alcohol.  Jeonghan, a seasoned veteran of these parties, insisted that it was unnecessary.

They arrive at the party, hands linked, each with an armful of alcohol.

"Do my eyes deceive me?  Yoon Jeonghan brought alcohol to a party?"  Soonyoung exclaims when he answers the door.  He turns to Minhyuk, face deathly serious.  "You just might make him into an acceptable human being yet."

And in a sense, Minhyuk does.  The New Year's Eve party was always a night where Jeonghan ended up in bed with a stranger.  But with his hand linked tightly with Minhyuk's, everything is different.  There is no reckless abandon entering the party; instead, he feels safe and anchored.

Even four shots in, he finds himself clinging to Minhyuk desperately, clutching him tightly when he tries to leave the sofa they've taken residence on.

"I'm getting you some water and another drink, I promise I'll be right back," Minhyuk says; the music is loud so he has to lean close to Jeonghan for the other to hear him, his lips dragging gently along Jeonghan's ear.  Jeonghan pouts, but releases his grip on Minhyuk.

Mingyu, bored from his conversation with Wonwoo and Changkyun, quickly fills Minhyuk's spot, sprawling across the opening on the sofa and placing his head into Jeonghan's lap.  He has always been an affectionate drunk.

"Oh Jeonghannie, you're so cute with him," he coos, poking at Jeonghan's cheek in what is meant to be a playful manner; in reality, he's poking too hard and Jeonghan's cheek is starting to hurt.

"Gyu, how many drinks have you had tonight, buddy?" Jeonghan asks, petting the younger's hair.  Jeonghan might be tipsy, but Mingyu is certifiably drunk.

"Don't ignore what I'm saying just because I'm drunk," Mingyu states firmly, then hiccups.  "I'm really happy you're dating him, Jeonghannie.  He makes you happy and that makes me happy."

Fake dating, Jeonghan's brain supplies, but he can't help the warmth that spreads through his body at Mingyu's words.  He blames it on the alcohol.

Minhyuk returns after that, a bottle of soju in one hand and a bottle of water in the other.  Jeonghan, the adult he is, makes grabby hands at the alcohol.

"No no," Minhyuk tsks.  He holds out the water bottle.  "Drink some water first babe, then you can have more alcohol."

Mingyu begins to giggle from where he's still resting in Jeonghan's lap.  He sits up quickly.  "Minhyuk, my guy, you are one cool dude," he declares, then claps his hand onto Minhyuk's shoulder.  It's probably meant to be affectionate, but even Jeonghan can see how much Minhyuk flinches at the force of the impact.  "I'm glad you're dating our Jeonghannie.  He's a better person with you around."

With that, Mingyu pats his shoulder a few more forceful times, then drunkenly waddles off to join Minghao on the makeshift dance floor.

Minhyuk smirks.  "It's like I'm the best boyfriend you've ever had or something."

Jeonghan rolls his eyes and snatches the water bottle from his hand.  "Oh fuck off," he states, then chugs the drink.  He knows the quicker he drinks the water, the sooner he'll get the soju; there's a strange fluttering feeling in his stomach and Jeonghan can't wait to drown it in alcohol.

-

Everyone gathers around the television to watch the countdown.  The seconds tick down as Minhyuk twines his fingers with Jeonghan’s.

With the two of them tucked into the corner of the room, the clock strikes midnight.  There's cheers and hollers and the distinctive pop of a champagne bottle.

Even though there's no one looking at them, all too busy with their own celebrations, Minhyuk still pulls Jeonghan’s face towards his own.  Their lips press together, the kiss warm and gentle.  Jeonghan has had more than his fair share of kisses, but none have ever felt quite like this.  There's lightning streaking through his body, all stemming from his lips; he wonders why it has taken this long to kiss Minhyuk.

The kiss is barely anything more than a gentle peck, but it's startlingly intimate; Jeonghan is used to sloppy kisses full of lust, nothing like the tender press of Minhyuk's lips against his own.  It feels like everything fades away around them for that brief moment.  Jeonghan stares blankly at Minhyuk when he pulls away, trying not to think about how they were breaking the rules they had made and what that meant.

Wonwoo interrupts before anything else can happen, shoving champagne glasses into each of their hands.  “Stop being disgusting and come celebrate with us!”

-

"You guys are kind of disgusting," Jooheon states, then throws a French fry directly at Minhyuk's face.

"We're not doing anything!" Minhyuk says defensively, wiping a chunk of salt off of his face.  He's not completely wrong; he and Jeonghan aren't actively doing anything gross or coupley.  But they've been pressed close together for the last hour they've been in the restaurant booth.  Minhyuk makes sure to lean in close, dragging his lips along the shell of Jeonghan's ear whenever he needs to tell him something quietly.

"You were never even this gross with Myungsoo," Changkyun groans, stealing a fry off of Jooheon's plate and throwing it at the couple as well.

The name sounds vaguely familiar.  "Who's Myungsoo?" Jeonghan asks quietly.

Immediately, Minhyuk stiffens.  "Do we really have to talk about him now?" Minhyuk snaps, though it's directed more at the two sitting across from them.

"Just stop being gross," Changkyun whines, throwing another fry at the couple.

"And stop stealing my fries!" Jooheon cries out, shoving Changkyun away from his tray.

Just like that, the tension at the table breaks, the focus no longer just on Minhyuk and Jeonghan.  The couple makes a point to be less gross, though they stay pressed close together.

It's only when Minhyuk is walking Jeonghan home, holding hands through thick, winter gloves that Jeonghan remembers why the name sounded familiar; flashes of the overheard conversation echo through his head.

"Myungsoo was your ex, wasn't he?"

Jeonghan can feel Minhyuk's grip tighten. "I don't want to talk about him," he says through clenched teeth.

"I don't know what he did, but I'm sorry he hurt you," Jeonghan says, trying to squeeze Minhyuk's hand reassuringly.  "You deserve better than that."

I wish I was better for you, Jeonghan thinks, but he doesn't dare say that part out loud.

-

The rest of January passes by in somewhat of a blur; a constant stress of planning for new classes and trying to balance this newfound relationship with Minhyuk.

New Years had changed something.  Jeonghan could feel it, could feel it in every touch Minhyuk presses into his skin and in every kiss he presses to his lips.  Just like their friendship, kissing comes so naturally.  It's kept to gentle pecks, mostly when the others are around to see.  Jeonghan tries his best not to kiss Minhyuk when they're alone; it's a way to remind both of them that this relationship still isn't real.

Jeonghan can't help the nagging feeling in the back of his mind, telling him over and over that he should break up with Minhyuk.  They set a deadline for this relationship; it's no longer a date looming in the distance, but one that has actively passed.  Two or three months, max.  That was how long the relationship was meant to last.  Yet here they are, getting through month three and fast approaching month four.  Jeonghan knows he needs to end this before things get too serious; that he needed to leave Minhyuk before Minhyuk could ever consider leaving him.

But then Minhyuk will press a warm kiss to Jeonghan’s cheek, his hand, his mouth, and really.  How could he break up with him now?

Deadline be damned, Jeonghan just isn't ready to break up yet.

-

The combined birthday party of Seokmin and Hansol is really just a night of getting drunk.  

Which is exactly what they do, with the whole group and then some going out for karaoke and some more drinks.

After several drinks and a few poorly done renditions of Sistar songs, Jeonghan and Minhyuk find themselves seated, watching the chaos unfold before them.

Halfway through Hansol’s rap battle with Seungkwan, Minhyuk rests his hand on Jeonghan’s thigh.  His skin burns, and he's not sure if it's from the alcohol or from his touch.  It's not like it's something out of the ordinary.  The two have gotten used to constant skinship, constantly sharing casual touches as if to remind everyone of their relationship.  Especially since New Years, where kissing had worked its way into their couple's act, they had been even more touchy around each other.  Yet somehow this seems different.

Then Minhyuk’s hand shifts a little higher, moving closer to the inside of his thigh.  Jeonghan sucks in a deep breath.

Minhyuk, however, seems unaware of what he's doing, too enthralled by Seungkwan’s rapping.  His hand seems to drift even higher just as the song ends, tracing mindlessly at the inner seam of Jeonghan's jeans.

Jeonghan stands abruptly; he claims to want to sing another song, though the reality is that he needs to get away from Minhyuk before anything else happens.

The rest of the night seems to blur, a haze of shots and increasingly terrible karaoke.  There are no more incidents with Minhyuk, but the tension still seems to be burning between them.

It's well past midnight, alcohol thrumming through his veins, when he slumps over onto Minhyuk.  “I'm so tired.  Can we go to sleep now?” He whines.

“Yeah, we can go if you want,” Minhyuk grabs his wrist and hoists him up.  “We're heading out, everybody.  Happy birthday, you guys!”

“I can't believe you're leaving my birthday party just to go bang,” Hansol whines, though he's heavily slurred and bordering on incoherent.

“I was only here for Seokmin anyway,” Jeonghan laughs.  Then he leans forward and pinches Hansol’s cheek.  “What do you even know about banging?  You're a baby.”

Minhyuk gets them a cab.  The ride is quiet, with Minhyuk's hand still resting high on Jeonghan's thigh.  The car is too warm; Minhyuk's hand is too warm.  Jeonghan feels like every nerve ending he has is on fire, the flames all stemming from Minhyuk's fingertips.

He can't get home fast enough.

The empty apartment feels startlingly intimate.  Minhyuk has his arms hooked around Jeonghan, even though he's sobered up enough to walk on his own.  There's the unstated tension still resting between them, something heavy and thick.  Jeonghan feels like he can barely even breathe; the fire burning between them has sucked away all the oxygen.

He lets out a heavy exhale, laced with want, and the tension snaps.

Minhyuk’s lips are on his immediately, a messy collision of teeth and tongue and spit. It's absolutely disgusting and Jeonghan would complain if he wasn't so busy trying to tear Minhyuk’s shirt off.

There's a lot of fumbling, yanking at buttons and belts, with Jeonghan trying to guide them into his room.

When Minhyuk climbs into Jeonghan’s lap, mouthing sloppily along Jeonghan’s neck and jaw, he can't help but think they're definitely breaking those rules they set up so many months ago.  In the back of his mind, he knows it's a mistake to sleep with Minhyuk, considering their arrangement.

But Minhyuk’s hand slips under the waistband of his pants and it's hard to care about anything else.

-

Jeonghan wakes up cold, his head buzzing slightly as if he were still tipsy.  He might even be; the room is not quite dark in a way that says the sun is getting ready to rise over the horizon.  He must not have been asleep long. He's almost completely naked, his underwear haphazardly clinging to his hips, with no blankets to be found.

When he finally peels his eyes open, he squints into the dark room.  Next to him is Minhyuk, bundled completely in every single blanket from Jeonghan’s bed.

It comes back to Jeonghan is waves; the hand on his thigh, getting too drunk, coming back with Minhyuk, and then…

There's a stain next to him that looks suspiciously like come and he's going to need to wash his sheets immediately.

“Hand over some blankets, asshole,” Jeonghan whines, yanking at the pile of fabric.  Minhyuk lets out incoherent mumbles, rolling farther away with the blankets.  Jeonghan yanks at them even harder.

It rouses Minhyuk enough that he starts to wake up.  The second he realizes where he is, he's immediately wide awake and sitting up rapidly in bed.

“Jeonghan, holy shit,” he begins.  Jeonghan shuts his eyes, dizzy just from watching the other sit up.  “I'm so sorry.  That was… We shouldn't… Oh my god.”

“Can you please just give me some of the blankets back?” He asks, eyes still closed.  There's an extended silence, and Jeonghan is forced to crack an eye open.  Minhyuk stares at him with wide eyes.  “What?”

“You're not freaking out.  Why aren't you freaking out?”

“Why should I be freaking out?”  Jeonghan asks drily.

“We- we slept together!  You should be freaking out because I'm freaking out!”

"I would hardly consider making out and some drunken handjobs as sleeping together," Jeonghan says, rolling his eyes a bit.  The action makes his head hurt, which he probably deserves.  While Minhyuk is sitting up, Jeonghan reaches over to pull some blankets away from the other, curling up in them.  “Beside, why does it even matter?  It doesn't change anything about this.  It's just an added benefit, I guess.”

Minhyuk lays back down and stares at Jeonghan with wide eyes.  “Have you done this before?  The whole… benefits thing?”

“Sex is just sex, Minhyuk,” Jeonghan groans, slightly irritated.  “Just go back to sleep.  We’ll talk about this some other time, when I'm not still drunk.”

-

They never really talk about it, but when Jeonghan finds himself pinned under Minhyuk a few days later, a thigh slotted between his own and a pair of lips mouthing hotly along his jaw, he figures that everything has worked itself out.

-

"Jeonghan, I need you to come get me immediately," Minhyuk whispers frantically into the phone.  His voice is shaky, like he could cry at any moment.

"Minhyuk?  What's wrong?" Jeonghan asks, pushing the phone closer.

"Oh god Jeonghan, he's here and he's by the door, I can't leave.  Please come help me," Minhyuk begs, voice cracking.  Jeonghan can't be sure, but he thinks the other boy might be crying.

"Hey, stop, it's okay.  Just take a deep breath, okay?  I'll come get you.  Where are you?"

"I just wanted to get lunch and some coffee but he's here ," Minhyuk is definitely crying now, voice shaking heavily as he tells Jeonghan exactly where he is.

Jeonghan immediately pulls on his shoes and rushes out of his apartment.  "I'll be there soon, Minhyukkie, it's okay.  Do you want me to stay on the phone?"

Minhyuk lets out a feeble no and they hang up, Jeonghan nearly breaking into a sprint to get to Minhyuk faster.

Entering the small restaurant, everything seems peaceful.  Jeonghan glances around, trying to distinguish who could possibly have upset Minhyuk but in his scan, he spies Minhyuk's white hair near the back.  Quickly approaching the other boy, he can see his shoulders shaking slightly as if still fighting off tears.

"Minhyukkie, baby, hey, I'm here," Jeonghan says, sliding into the seat next to him.

Minhyuk looks up at him, eyes wide and bloodshot, and then leans into kiss Jeonghan hard on the mouth.  Jeonghan blinks in shock when he pulls away.  "Thank god you're here."

"What's the matter?  You sounded so freaked out on the phone," Jeonghan reaches out, using his thumb to wipe away the tears that had stained their way down his cheeks.

"It's- it's my ex.  He's here and he's with a girl and I just panicked!  I couldn't walk by him by myself, what if he saw me?  He's here on a date and I'm by myself like a fucking loser and-" Minhyuk's voice cracks as he starts tearing up again, turning away so Jeonghan can't see his tears.

Jeonghan quickly shushes him.  "It's okay, I'm here now.  You're okay," he whispers, grabbing onto Minhyuk's hand and squeezing gently.  "I got you."

Minhyuk nods feebly; his face is almost completely blank, the tear-tracks and slight downturn of his lips the only indication that something is wrong.  Jeonghan has never seen him like this.  It is rare enough to break the constantly smiling mask Minhyuk wears, but he has never seen him so vulnerable and laid out before.

"You're all done with classes today, right?"  Jeonghan asks, keeping his voice soft and comforting.  Minhyuk nods again.  "Do you want to leave?  I can take you back to my apartment."

Minhyuk nods more vigorously and Jeonghan takes that as his cue to leave.  He holds Minhyuk's hand tightly, leading him towards the entrance.

"Minhyuk?"  A voice calls.  The grip on Jeonghan's hand tightens immediately.  "Minhyuk, is that you?"

Minhyuk turns slowly, looking down at a table with a young girl and guy.  They're holding hands above the table, the boy looking at Minhyuk with surprise while the girl looks on with confusion.

"Hello Myungsoo," Minhyuk says with a tight smile.  His grip on Jeonghan's hand is deathly tight.

Myungsoo smiles brightly.  "I haven't seen you in months!  How have you been?"  His eyes seem to stray, catching sight of Jeonghan.  "And who is this?"

Minhyuk seems to be at a loss for words, his mouth opening and closing helplessly.  Jeonghan takes a step forward, putting himself in between Minhyuk and the couple.  "I'm Jeonghan.  I'm Minhyuk's boyfriend," he says it defensively, glaring at him.

Myungsoo's smile seems to soften; he quickly turns back to look at Minhyuk.  "That's good that you found someone.  I'm happy for you."

Whatever words Minhyuk wanted to say seem to die out on his tongue, a choked sound coming out instead.  Jeonghan can't bare to see him like this.  "Sorry to cut this short, but we need to get going," Jeonghan bites out, pulling Minhyuk towards the door.  Myungsoo's farewell falls on deaf ears.

Jeonghan doesn't let go of Minhyuk's hand until they finally make it back to his apartment.

-

Minhyuk is blank after the run-in with Myungsoo.  He barely even seems conscious as Jeonghan makes a point to tuck him safely into his bed, lying down next to him.

"I'm sorry.  I didn't think seeing him would hurt like this," Minhyuk admits after a while.  He pulls the blankets closer around him.  "He acted like we were never even together."

Jeonghan doesn't know what to say, fearful of saying the wrong thing.  Physical comfort is all he really has to offer, running his hands soothingly through Minhyuk's hair.

"We were together for almost a year and he looked at me like we were just casual friends," Minhyuk continues, staring up blankly at the ceiling.  He still sounds empty; despite him speaking, it's clear his mind is a million miles away.  "I never…  I never should have been his stupid gay experiment.  I should have known better."

His voice cracks and he blinks harshly, fighting off the tears that are starting to accumulate in his eyes.  Jeonghan curls in closer to him, nose bumping against the jut of Minhyuk's shoulder, sticking out through the soft fabric.  He doesn't know what to say, doesn't know if there's anything he can say; he moves his hand from Minhyuk's hair to his face, tracing lightly along his features.

"He'd never dated a guy before, you know?  Everyone told me it was a bad idea, that he was probably using me," Minhyuk explains.  He's got his eyes closed now, voice slightly muffled as he pulls the blankets up over his chin.  "That whole time we were together, he never introduced me as his boyfriend.  Not even once.  At first I thought he was scared but I…  I think he was just ashamed of me."

Jeonghan shifts even closer, pulling Minhyuk flush against his chest.  He presses kisses along his face- across his cheeks, on the tip of his nose, on the tear-stains still sitting under his eyes.

"You should never have to be ashamed of yourself," Jeonghan says gently.

"But I am!"  Minhyuk snaps, pulling his face away from Jeonghan.  "I let him use me and did nothing to stop it because I'm so afraid of being alone.  I wasted so much time pretending to be someone I wasn't because I was afraid he'd leave me otherwise.  God, I was such a fucking coward."

Jeonghan doesn't know what to say.  Everything about Minhyuk's situation sounds all too similar to their current position.  Jeonghan wonders if Minhyuk has noticed the similarities as well.

"I was going to move in with him.  That's why I was living on a couch when we starting dating," Minhyuk explains.  Jeonghan doesn't even try to correct his statement.  "I was going to move in with him but I caught him cheating on me.  And then he… he had the audacity to break up with me and just.  Fuck.  I thought I was passed all this by now."

"I'm sorry," Jeonghan says quietly.  He's not quite sure what he's apologizing for; it might be the fact that Minhyuk went through all of that.  A nagging voice in the back of his head says it's because he's just as bad for Minhyuk.

"It isn't your fault," Minhyuk replies, resigned.  He stares back up at the ceiling, sighing before he shuts his eyes.

"I'm sorry," Jeonghan repeats.  He's still not sure whose behalf he's apologizing for, but he's certain that Minhyuk deserves better than all of this mess.

The conversation ends at that.

-

Minhyuk stays the night.  They eat cheap takeout and lounge on Jeonghan's bed for most of the evening.  Minhyuk is quiet for the most part, as if he's all talked-out from explaining what happened between him and Myungsoo.  When Jeonghan offers to take Minhyuk back home to his apartment at the end of the night, Minhyuk shakes his head, voice shaking when he pleads, "Please just let me stay the night."

So Jeonghan does.

He wakes up in morning to Minhyuk still asleep, his arms wrapped tightly around Jeonghan's waist.  It's warm and comfortable, but Jeonghan needs to start getting ready for his classes.  As gently as he can, he slides out from Minhyuk's grasp; the least he could do is let the other boy sleep a little bit longer.

As quietly as he can, he gathers up his things and pads out to the bathroom to take a shower.

Jeonghan is in the middle of shampooing his hair when he hears the bathroom door click.

"Why don't you ever lock that door?"  Minhyuk's voice filters over the sound of running water.  Jeonghan peaks around the shower curtain to see Minhyuk pulling his shirt over his head, then begin unbuttoning his pants.

"Because this is our only bathroom and sometimes people need to pee while other people are in the shower," Jeonghan says simply.  "But also there's a no boyfriends in the shower rule that this apartment abides by."

The rule was made specifically by Jeonghan so that Seungcheol and Jisoo would stop having sex in the shower, but he doesn't say that part out loud.

Minhyuk doesn't seem to be listening to him anyway, as he finally pulls off his boxers.  Completely naked, he pushes his way passed the shower curtain and into the shower.  The shower is spacious enough to fit one person, but with two people, Minhyuk immediately crowds into Jeonghan's space.

"I'm not technically your boyfriend, so we're not breaking any rules," Minhyuk says; the sadness in his voice is lost in the harsh spray of the shower.  He moves in closer and wraps his arms around Jeonghan's waist, tucking his face into Jeonghan's neck.  "Besides, I'm really only here to take a shower."

His skin is cold and he sounds tired, so Jeonghan stays still for a moment, letting the hot water wash over both of them.  Minhyuk nuzzles closer to Jeonghan's neck, unfazed by the water splashing at his face.  They've been naked around each other countless times at this point, but somehow this moment feels more intimate than anything else they've done.  Jeonghan pulls away first, almost desperate to get away before the heavy weight on his chest can crush his lungs completely.

He pours shampoo into his hand and begins gently rubbing it into Minhyuk's hair.  The other startles slightly, but seems to nuzzle into the contact.

Jeonghan washes Minhyuk slowly, cleaning the suds from his hair before he begins to spread body wash across Minhyuk's chest and arms.  Minhyuk's shoulders slowly deflate as all the tension seems to leave him, a calm smile slowly creeping onto his face.  Seeming much more relaxed than when he entered the shower, Minhyuk repays the favor; his hands move gently along Jeonghan's torso, cleaning him.  When both boys are finally clean, Minhyuk steps closer and kisses Jeonghan slowly, hands resting gently on his hips.  Jeonghan's entire body tingles, waves of warmth washing through him.  They kiss like that for several minutes, just softly moving their mouths together until Minhyuk finally pulls back; his eyes are slightly hooded, a lovestruck smile stretching across his face.

No-sex-in-the-shower rule be damned, Jeonghan drops to his knees and blows Minhyuk before they leave the shower, if only because he's afraid of being so intimately domestic with no ulterior motive.

-

Jeonghan really didn't mean to end up alone at lunch with Kihyun.  

It had been a lot of poor timing.  Jeonghan had arrived in the cafeteria during Minhyuk's lunch; like a good boyfriend, he sat with him.  But Kihyun had also arrived around then, plopping down at the table with them.  Minhyuk had hopped up almost immediately, kissing Jeonghan softly on the cheek before hurrying off to his next class.

Which left Jeonghan where he is now; sitting across from Kihyun as the smaller boy eyes him wearily.  Kihyun still hasn't warmed up to Jeonghan, always wearing a look of suspicion and distrust on his face whenever Jeonghan is near Minhyuk.  The fact that they are now alone is nerve wracking, to say the least.

“You know, Jeonghan, I gotta say,” Kihyun begins, his tone friendly.  Jeonghan would feel safe if he wasn’t watching him aggressively stab his salad with a fork.  “I was really, really hesitant when you and Minhyuk started dating.  He doesn’t exactly have the best track record when it comes to exes.  And it was kind of a surprise when you just showed up one day.  You didn't really seem all that interested, so we were all worried you weren't good for him.”

“Um,” Jeonghan says, intelligently.  Kihyun just waves his fork at him, cutting off anything else he was going to say.

“But I’m… happy, that he met you,” it seems to physically pain him to compliment Jeonghan like this.  He powers through it anyway.  “Minhyukkie is one of my best friends.  His last breakup really messed him up and watching him go through that really hurt.  But you come along and suddenly he’s… Smiling.  A lot more than usual.  And I mean, Minhyuk is always smiling, that’s just who he is.  But since he met you, it all seems a lot more genuine.  Like for once in his life, he’s finally happy for himself, and not just happy for the sake of those around him.”

Jeonghan pokes half-heartedly at the food in front of him.  There’s a wave of nausea crashing over him; it’s hard enough to stomach Kihyun’s words.  Any real food and he’s sure he’ll vomit.  “Oh, well, I’m, uh.  Glad, that I’ve been able to do that,” Jeonghan says, and tries not to choke on his own words.

“It may not seem like much, just hearing it from me.  I get that.  But Minhyuk… He’s kind of wild about the idea of love.  A hopeless romantic of sorts.  We all thought that after his last breakup...  It was almost like he gave up trying.  It’s been hard to see him so down.  I’m glad you gave him hope again.  If Minhyuk had to fall in love with anyone, I’m glad it was you.”

-

Minhyuk
Kihyun is out for the night ;)

Jeonghan wonders if they're getting too routine; anytime there was an empty apartment (see: Jeonghan's apartment), it immediately meant a hookup.  He's starting to worry about how much of his life revolves around Minhyuk.

That doesn't stop him from pulling on a warm coat and immediately heading over to Minhyuk's apartment.

Jeonghan barely has time to take his jacket off when he arrives before Minhyuk pushes him back against the door, kissing him harshly.  It's sloppy and desperate, teeth clanking together; Jeonghan doesn't care.  He moves his hands up, tangling them into Minhyuk's hair.

"Where are the others?" He asks, out of breath and chest heaving.  Minhyuk tucks into his neck, nipping at the skin.

"Jooheon is staying with his boyfriend, Changkyun is visiting family, and Kihyun won't be in until two or three in the morning," he breathes out, then dips to the junction between Jeonghan's neck and shoulder and bites down, hard.  "It's just you and me tonight, baby."

Jeonghan whines when their hips slot together.  "We should go to your room," he manages to say, clawing at Minhyuk's back for something to hold onto, something to keep him grounded.

"Yeah, okay, let's do that," Minhyuk says, mouth still moving against his skin.

It's a fumbling mess getting to Minhyuk's room, the two never wanting to pull away.  Once they get there, however, Jeonghan pulls back.

"Wait, wait," Jeonghan says, completely out of breath.  Minhyuk's mouth is on his neck the instant their lips separate, and it's hard to think clearly.  "Minhyuk, wait, how are we supposed to do this in here?"

Finally Minhyuk detaches himself from Jeonghan's neck, pulling back to look at him curiously.  "What do you mean?"

"We can't have sex on the top bunk.  That's weird.  And probably dangerous."

"You're… You're joking, right?"  Minhyuk asks incredulously.  He looks ridiculous; pupils blown, hair mussed up from Jeonghan's hands, lips swollen and red.  Jeonghan probably doesn't look much better.

"No, I'm not joking!" Jeonghan says with a pout.  "I helped put that thing together, I know for a fact it's not stable!"

"Well do you have any other ideas?  It's either the bed or like, the floor.  Or the wall."

Up against a wall, as it turns out, is not the worst place Jeonghan's has ever had sex.

-

They do climb into the bunk bed afterwards, the ladder wobbling as they climb up.

"I told you this thing isn't safe," Jeonghan mumbles bitterly.  Minhyuk just laughs and pulls Jeonghan flush against him, arms wrapping around him in a hug.  Jeonghan pushes him away feebly.  "Ew, no, stop, you're all sweaty."

"You weren't complaining about that a few minutes ago," Minhyuk smirks, pulling him even closer.

"Fuck off," Jeonghan states, but he tucks himself comfortably into Minhyuk's neck.

In only a few minutes, Minhyuk's breathing slows until it's clear he has been lulled to sleep.  Everything about the moment is warm and comfortable, from Minhyuk's damp chest pressed against his own to the way Jeonghan's breathing slows to match Minhyuk's gentle inhale and exhale.  A strange sense of home knots in the pit of Jeonghan's stomach; it creeps up his sides and twists around his ribs.

Suddenly Jeonghan feels like he's drowning.  Everything around him is Minhyuk.  He can't breathe, the smell of Minhyuk pouring down his throat and clogging his lungs while the knot in his stomach ties tighter and tighter around Jeonghan's ribs.

He gets out of Minhyuk's grasp and climbs down the bed as quickly and quietly as he can.  He doesn't know when he started crying but there are tears burning their way down his cheeks.  His chest hurts, his lungs hurt, his heart hurts.  Through the dark of the room, he manages to find his shirt and pants, quickly yanking them on.  His breathing is ragged and he needs to get out of here before he drowns in Minhyuk completely.

Kihyun enters the apartment as Jeonghan is on his way out.  They stare at each other, Kihyun's eyes wide and confused as Jeonghan fights to hold back more tears.  All Jeonghan can manage to do is shake his head and push his way passed Kihyun, out of the apartment.

It's cold outside, the icy winds of March still not understanding that spring was just around the corner.  The cold burns at Jeonghan's already aching lungs, the wind biting at the tears still streaked down his face.

It takes entirely too long to get to Jeonghan's apartment, but once he's in, he immediately rushes to his bed, collapsing onto it in a fit of tears.

Despite finally being home, Jeonghan can't help but feel like he just lost his home.

-

Minhyuk

I thought you were going to stay the night! I would have made you breakfast :3

Sorry, something else came up.

Jeonghan doesn't tell him about the panic attack.  Maybe if he doesn't acknowledge it, it'll all just go away.  (Whether it is the panic attack or the strange feelings he experienced, Jeonghan isn't sure.)

Minhyuk

Maybe next time then ;)

Yeah. Maybe.

-

He doesn’t actively set out to ignore Minhyuk after his panic attack.  Because ignoring him would be a dick move and Jeonghan is definitely not a dick.  Probably.

But he’s absolutely doing his best to avoid Minhyuk.

-

Minhyuk tries his best.  He shows up one night, when Jeonghan is ignoring him to work on a paper instead, with a cup of coffee and some warm cookies in hand.  Minhyuk’s hair isn’t styled at all, poking at his eyes as he smiles at Jeonghan.  It’s all so reminiscent of that night in December; Jeonghan's heart clenches at the memory.

“Do you mind if I come in?” Minhyuk asks, holding out the treats like a peace offering.

Jeonghan glances back into the apartment, to the pile of work he has stacked up around his laptop.  “Maybe it’s best that you don’t,” he says quietly.

A look of hurt passes through Minhyuk’s eyes before it’s gone, and he’s back to smiling.  Kihyun was right; his happiness really is for the sake of others.  He holds out the coffee and cookies.  “At least take these.  We’ll just hang out next time.”

Jeonghan tries his best to smile and pretend like nothing is wrong.  “Of course.  Next time.”

Even though there’s no one around, even though they aren’t trying to convince anyone, Minhyuk leans in and kisses Jeonghan before he goes; the kiss is warm and gentle and Jeonghan never wants it to end.  But it does, and Minhyuk leaves.

Jisoo comes out of his room a few minutes later to find Jeonghan sitting at his laptop, staring blankly at his cup of coffee.

“Is Minhyuk here?  I thought I heard his voice,” Jisoo asks as he heads into the kitchen.

“No.  He, uh, he had some work to do.  He was just stopping by to bring me some cookies,” Jeonghan tries to keep his voice even, but inside he feels like he's falling apart.  He doesn't know when Minhyuk stopped pretending to like him and started to actually like him.

What's worse is he doesn't know when he started to feel the same.

“He loves you so much.  It's cute,” Jisoo smiles as he heads back to his room, two glasses of water in hand.  “I'm happy you guys found each other.”

-

Jeonghan invites Minhyuk overs with plans to finally bring this entire charade to an end.  There's a constant weight pushing on Jeonghan's chest and he can't endure it anymore.  He's certain that breaking up is the only solution.

Minhyuk smiles brightly when he enters Jeonghan's apartment; it's clear that he's thankful whatever cold shoulder Jeonghan had been giving him is apparently over.  He seems so happy that Jeonghan fumbles over himself, trying to get his words out before it's too late.  But he can't quite do it.  He can't break up with Minhyuk, not like this.

And he can’t break up with Minhyuk like this; not when Minhyuk has him pinned against the wall, one of his thighs pressed between Jeonghan’s.

And he can't break up with Minhyuk like this; not when Minhyuk is on top of him, letting out soft moans as he claws at Jeonghan’s arms, nails trying to find purchase.

And he can't break up with Minhyuk like this; not when Minhyuk, sated and pliant, curls up against his side when they've finished, peppering kisses along his neck and shoulder until he falls asleep.

Minhyuk looks warm and content, a faint smile still ghosting his lips as he sleeps next to Jeonghan.  Jeonghan's heart pangs, the weight on his chest only growing heavier.  He curls closer to Minhyuk, wraps his arms tightly around his waist, and knows this is probably the last night they'll get to be like this.

He goes to sleep with a heavy heart.

-

We need to talk.

He knows it’s the worst possible way to broach the subject, but he doesn’t know what else to do.  Fake dating was supposed to be easy.  It was just supposed to be him messing around with a pretty boy until his friends were thoroughly convinced, and then he’d be free to return to his life of casual hookups.  Yet here he is, nearly seven months later, heart aching at the thought of breaking up.

Minhyuk
I get off work at 3! :)

Jeonghan doesn't reply to the text, instead letting the dread wash over him; in less than two hours, he is going to break up with Minhyuk.  

Minhyuk is waiting outside when Jeonghan strolls up to the bakery, a few minutes after three o’clock.

“So, what’d you want to talk about?” Minhyuk asks with a smile, his hand reaching to intertwine with Jeonghan’s.  Jeonghan flinches on instinct, yanking his hand away.  The smile on Minhyuk’s face falters for a brief second before he’s back to smiling.

Jeonghan bites his lip, staring awkwardly at Minhyuk's hand, swaying limply at his side.  “I think… Let’s go for a walk.  Just for a bit.  We can talk later.”

And so they walk in silence.  The air is warm, the gentle air of spring finally breaking through the icy winds of winter.  They’re not holding hands but Minhyuk’s keeps brushing against Jeonghan’s, skin burning hot against his own; Jeonghan can feel the weight of anxiety crushing down on his chest.

After prolonged silence, they come to a park bench.  Jeonghan suggests sitting so that they can finally talk.  He takes a deep breath to prepare himself before turning to face Minhyuk.

“I think it's time that we break up,” Jeonghan says flatly.  He can't quite meet Minhyuk's eye, staring just past him instead.  “Well, fake break up.  Since we were never really dating.”

“Oh,” Minhyuk’s smile falters, and this time it doesn't recover.  "Oh.  Any… Any reason why?  Like, why now?”

“It was a fake relationship, you knew that,” he doesn't mean to be so harsh but it's the only way he can keep his voice from cracking.  "You said I just had to say when and we'd break up.  Well, I'm saying now."

“Jeonghannie… I don't- this isn't…  That was months ago, it's different now,”  tears well in Minhyuk’s eyes, though he tries his best to keep them in.  "I- what if I don't want to break up anymore?"

“It doesn’t matter what you want, Minhyuk.  It wasn’t real, it was never real.  You knew this had to happen eventually!”  Jeonghan snaps.  Minhyuk’s lower lip trembles and he wipes furiously at his eyes, refusing to let the tears fall in front of Jeonghan.

“It's been seven months…  Why now?  After everything, why now?”

“What does it even matter?  It was all fake anyway,” Jeonghan can feel his own voice start to waver, so he stands, ready to leave.  “I'll see you around, Minhyuk.”

He tries not to look at Minhyuk as he walks away.  He doesn't want to see his tears and heartbreak, not when he's fighting off feelings of his own.  But he can't stop himself from sneaking one final glance.  Minhyuk is still on the bench, tears finally flowing freely.

Jeonghan clenches his jaw and blinks away his own tears as he turns away; this is all for the best.

-

“Minhyuk hasn't been around in a few days,” Seungcheol says a few days later, his voice slightly tentative.  They’re in the kitchen and Jeonghan wants to leave but his eggs haven't finished cooking yet.

“We broke up.”

Seungcheol’s mouth falls open. “Jeonghannie… Are you okay?  What happened?”

“I broke up with him,” Jeonghan says flatly, turning back to his food.

And that's the end of that.

-

“Do you plan on just lying here for the entire day or did you have plans to move at some point?” Jisoo asks, sitting down in the chair next to the couch.  Jeonghan has been lying facedown on the couch for hours now while the television plays mindlessly in front of him.  If he’s honest, he has no real plans on moving today.  He has no real plans on moving at any point in the near future, really.

“Jisoo, I’m tired.  Can’t I just watch TV?” Jeonghan asks, face muffled against the pillow.  He is tired, physically and mentally.  He thought that breaking up with Minhyuk would relieve the constant weight on his chest, but all it has done is made things worse.

“Have you spoken to Minhyuk at all since you broke up?”  It catches Jeonghan off guard how straightforward Jisoo is being.

“What does it even matter?  We broke up.  I broke up with him.  I’m doing fine, I’m just tired and want to watch this stupid drama.”

“Can you stop with the bullshit for once in your life?”  The words are sharp and harsh; Jisoo cursed.  Jisoo never curses.  Jeonghan turns his head to look at his roommate in surprise.  “Listen, Jeonghan, I know you love to put up this passive and emotionless front, like you've never had feelings before, but I know you.  You keep saying this breakup was your decision.  So why are you still feeling sad about it?"

"Listen, Jisoo-"

"No, wait, let me finish, okay?  I know we all love to pretend that you never dated Seungcheol but you did, okay?  And he's talked about it before.  About how you built walls and could never really commit to anything.  When you started dating Minhyuk… He was so happy for you.  That you finally got over your relationship issues," Jisoo explains.  "And you were happy!  In all the time I've known you, I've never seen you so genuinely happy before.  Why would you give that up?  Why did you break up?"

Because it was all a lie and we were never dating to begin with, Jeonghan thinks, but he bites his tongue.  Jisoo’s words rattle around in his head.  His chest feels heavy again, like his anxiety might suffocate him at any moment.

Jisoo sighs when he gets no response.  “You're a psych student.  Shouldn't you be able to address the fact that you clearly have some intimacy issues?”

“The first rule of studying psychology is that you shouldn't apply it to yourself,” Jeonghan mumbles into the pillow.  

"Don't ignore the rest of what I said, okay?" Jisoo says, rising from his seat.  He pats Jeonghan gently on the shoulder as he passes by.  "I know we aren't that close.  But I care about you a lot and I want you to be happy.  I'm not saying you need to get back together with Minhyuk but just- sort out your feelings, you know?  Figure out why this breakup has got you feeling like this.  We all just want you to be happy again."

-

Soonyoung invites him out to dinner one night, which is a little suspicious on its own.  It's rare that only two members of their group go out at a time; usually there's an entire herd of them.

But he humors him.  He takes a shower and puts on real clothes and meets Soonyoung at the local barbecue.

They chat casually for a few minutes while their food cooks, discussing class and the possible internship Soonyoung was looking into.

“So I ran into Minhyuk the other day,” Soonyoung begins quietly.

Of course.  Of course it would be about Minhyuk.  The weight on Jeonghan’s chest seems to press down.

"We don't have classes together but they usually keep COMM lectures in the same building," Soonyoung continues.  He's not quite meeting Jeonghan's eye, but the elder is almost thankful for it.  "He was in the bathroom.  When I walked in, he immediately started smiling and talking like nothing was wrong but… It was clear he was crying before I went in there."

"Soonyoung, why are you telling me this?"  Jeonghan asks, his voice strained and a little shaky.

"Because while you don't cry or outwardly show any emotion at all, you're not doing much better than he is."

"Soonyoung, I don't want to talk about this," Jeonghan says, voice as firm as he can make it.

"Jeonghannie, I love you.  You're one of my best friends," Jeonghan can feel the inevitable but coming. "But you're the fucking worst.  You think you're the only person in the world with daddy issues?"

"I don't have daddy issues," Jeonghan bites back defensively.

Soonyoung narrows his eyes.  "Then mommy issues, whatever.  You act like you're the only person in the world whose parents got divorced or something," he pauses for a moment, considering how to continue his statement.  "My dad left my mom when I was sixteen.  It hurt a lot, but I moved forward.  I try dating; maybe I haven't found anyone permanent yet, but at least I'm trying.  You can't let your parents fucked up relationship ruin your own relationships."

"I don't-"

"Oh come on, just because you won't talk about it doesn't mean it's not that.  Seungcheol dated you for months; you think he didn't notice how fucking terrified of feelings you were?  You think we didn't notice?"

"It was never supposed to be serious," Jeonghan admits quietly, head hanging low.  "Minhyuk and I weren't supposed to be serious, just something to get you all off my back about dating.  It wasn't supposed to be serious."

"But it was, wasn't it?"  Soonyoung asks quietly.

Jeonghan wants to shake his head, to say that no, it wasn't that serious, but he can't bring himself to lie.  Not anymore.

He gives a curt nod, hoping Soonyoung recognizes the slight motion.

Soonyoung does; he lets out a heavy sigh and reaches out to put a hand on Jeonghan's shoulder.  "Jeonghannie, why'd you guys break up?"

"I thought it would be less painful to leave him, before he could leave me," Jeonghan admits.  He can feel tears pricking at the corners of his eyes.  It's the first time he's cried since it happened; he can feel all the emotions he bottled up deep inside start to flood out, overwhelming him.  He fears that once they're all let loose, he'll never be able to bottle them back up again.

"Was it?"  He asks; there's no judgement to his voice, only genuine concern.

"It's the biggest mistake I've ever made."

-

"How do I win back Minhyuk?"  Jeonghan says, bursting into Seungcheol's room.  Normally he would knock, but he knew Jisoo wasn't around so Seungcheol should be clothed.  Plus, this was important.

Seungcheol, however, is working at his desk; with his back to the door and headphones in, he doesn't even notice Jeonghan enter.

Jeonghan frowns, then walks over to Seungcheol and yanks one of the earbuds out.  "How do I win back Minhyuk?" He repeats.

Seungcheol is still clutching his chest in shock.  "Dude, what the fuck?"

Jeonghan stomps his foot in agitation.  "Answer my question!"

Seungcheol tilts his head in confusion.  "You want to get back with Minhyuk?  But you broke up with him."

"It was a mistake," Jeonghan frowns.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean I was dumb and afraid of feelings and so I broke up with him rather than dealing with the fact that I'm terrified of intimacy and now I regret it because I gave up what might have been the best thing to ever happen to me," he says, all in one long breath.

"Okay, now go tell Minhyuk all that," Seungcheol says with a gentle smile.

"What?"

"You asked me how to win back Minhyuk," Seungcheol explains.  "I'm telling you to go and be honest with him.  Tell him what you just told me.  Be honest.  Stop building so many goddamn walls around yourself and just be open with him."

"I don't build walls," Jeonghan says defensively.

Seungcheol stares blankly at him.  "You could major in maze architecture, that's how many walls you build."

"That's not-"

"Jeonghan," Seungcheol says, voice sharper than normal.  "Take it from someone who tried dating you.  You're guarded and closed off.  It was impossible to date you because I never knew how you felt, and you never let me know.  You shut down all feelings as some kind of coping mechanism but all is does is push away the people around you.  I thought Minhyuk was finally breaking down those walls but obviously you panicked and made things worse."

Jeonghan nods slowly, mouth twisting into something unpleasant.  He wants to protest, but he knows that everything Seungcheol is saying is true.

"Being honest with Minhyuk is your best bet, but honestly, just try being honest with yourself as well."

-

Being honest with himself, Jeonghan discovers, is a lot harder than he expected.

He spends three days just wallowing in his own tears, finally overwhelmed by the heartbreak of leaving Minhyuk that he's been trying to ignore for weeks.  He barely leaves his room, only ever going out for food and classes.

Emotions are exhausting, he decides.  Years of repression have not been kind to Yoon Jeonghan.  He spills his milk one morning and nearly bursts into tears, too upset to even laugh at the irony of it all.

Jeonghan misses Minhyuk.  No matter how many walls Jeonghan had built, Minhyuk had managed to weasel past all of them, settling himself into Jeonghan's life like it was where he was always meant to be.  Without Minhyuk, everything feels off, like there's something missing from him.

It takes nearly a week of trying to work out his own feelings before Jeonghan decides he needs to see Minhyuk.  He contemplates calling, or maybe even texting, but a knowing voice in the back of his head tells him Minhyuk won't answer him.  So he does what he considers the next best step.

He visits Minhyuk at work.

-

When he arrives at the bakery, Minhyuk stares at him, eyes wide like a deer in the headlights.  His smile slips from his face briefly.  But then he blinks and mask is back.  Jeonghan is struck with the realization that this maybe isn't the best idea.

“Hello, what can I get you today?” He asks, his tone cheery and forced.  He's trying his best to stare at Jeonghan like a stranger.

“I know you don't want to see me, but I was hoping I could get just fifteen minutes of your time,” Jeonghan asks, a nervous smile playing at his lips.

Minhyuk frowns.  “Sorry, I'm working.  I don't have time-”

“You can't honestly think that I don't know your work and break schedule after dating for seven months.”

“Fake dating,” Minhyuk reminds him harshly.

“Please, just give me a few minutes to talk,” Jeonghan’s voice doesn't waver.  And if it does, it's certainly not because of the tug at his heart from the harsh way that Minhyuk speaks.

The other sighs.  “My break is in five.  Go take a seat, I'll be over in a few.”

He sounds tired.  He probably is tired.  Jeonghan knows that he hasn't been sleeping well; he can't even begin to imagine what it's been like for Minhyuk.  Jeonghan goes to take a seat in the corner and wait for Minhyuk's break.

-

Minhyuk sets down a tray in front of Jeonghan.  It's a chocolate cupcake; Jeonghan’s favorite.  He then settles in the seat across the table, no treat of his own.  There's a serene moment where all they do is stare at each other.  Minhyuk looks tired.  Under his eyes, the skin is puffy and dark, like he hasn't slept in days.  His eyes themselves are bloodshot, whether from crying or exhaustion, Jeonghan isn't sure.  Yet sitting like this, with the soft light pouring in from the windows, Minhyuk looks beautiful.  It takes a moment before Jeonghan realizes that Minhyuk’s mouth is moving.

“I said start talking.  I'm giving you five minutes max,” Minhyuk declares, though he's still too timid to really meet Jeonghan’s stare.

“Minhyuk, I'm sorry,” Jeonghan begins.  “I'm… I'm really scared of intimacy.”

Minhyuk snorts, a bitter laugh with no real smile to accompany it.

“I'm scared of getting too attached only to get left behind.  Because I grew up watching my mom love and love and love and get nothing but heartache in return.  And I'm terrified that it's going to happen to me.  That I'm going to pour all of my love into someone only to have them leave me.  So I'm scared of intimacy.  What took me a little longer to realize was that… As much as I'm afraid of intimacy, I'm more afraid of losing you.”

Silence creeps over them.  Jeonghan doesn't want to move on until his statement fully hits Minhyuk.  The older boy clenches his fist, knuckles turning ghostly white.

“You sure have a funny way of showing it,” his voice is so bitter and angry, yet it cracks halfway through.  In the soft light, Jeonghan can see tears forming in Minhyuk’s eyes.  “You've got a real, real fucked up way of showing it.”

“I know, I fucked up, Minhyuk.  I really fucked up.  I thought it would just be easier if I called it quits before we got more serious.  I thought if I left you before you left me…  But I was wrong.  And I'm so sorry-”

“No!” Minhyuk cuts him off, the sound practically echoing through the bakery.  Quieter, he repeats himself.  “No, you don’t get to come in here and apologize and…”

His voice breaks and he wipes frantically at the tears forming in his eyes.

“Minhyuk, please…”

“Do you want to know the reason I agreed to this whole fucking charade?”  His voice is trembling.  “Because after months and months of being a gay experiment, Myungsoo broke up with me.  And I felt so… So worthless and unwanted.  And then along comes some beautiful boy who wants me.  And sure it was just for pretend but I thought- I thought it would be easy, to go through all the motions.  I thought it might even be fun...  I wanted to get to experience being in a relationship.  I wanted someone who would hold my hand and call me his boyfriend and kiss me in public.  To do all the things Myungsoo never would..  I was so stupid.  I knew it wasn't real.  I didn't want… I didn't mean to get attached.

“Yet here I am, in over my head once again.  So you don't get to come in here and say sorry and make everything better,” the tremble in Minhyuk’s voice has left, leaving nothing but bitterness and anger.  He wipes at the remainder of tears still in his eyes and quickly stands up.  “I have to get back to work now.”

“Minhyukkie…” Jeonghan’s voice is barely above a whisper.

“Don't.  Just don't,” Minhyuk responds, wiping the tears from his eyes and storming off to the back room.  Jeonghan waits a few more minutes, but Minhyuk never returns from the back room.

Jeonghan leaves money for the food and a hastily scribbled apology on a napkin underneath.  He prays that Minhyuk doesn't just throw it out.

-

Sitting outside the bakery for hours as he waits for Minhyuk's shift to end, Jeonghan gets cold.  Even though spring has settled, once the sun sets, a crisp breeze flows through his clothes, sending a shiver down his spine.

But it also gives him a lot of time to think.  Seungcheol's order of be honest with yourself is knocking around his skull more than anything else.  Jeonghan had assumed that if he got over his emotional constipation and told Minhyuk how he felt, everything would be okay.  What he realizes, sitting on that cold metal bench, is that even that wasn't being honest with himself.

Jeonghan is selfish; in everything he does, the only person he ever considers is himself.  Breaking up with Minhyuk was selfish, a desperate act of self-preservation to hurt Minhyuk before Minhyuk could hurt him.  Trying to get back together with Minhyuk is even more selfish; he hurt Minhyuk, he has done nothing to earn his forgiveness.  

Being honest with himself, Jeonghan realizes that more than his own happiness, he wants Minhyuk to be happy.  No matter what it takes.

It's about another hour later, with the sun long since gone, that Minhyuk finally exits the bakery; Jeonghan rises immediately to greet him.  His knees crack after sitting for so long, the dull tingles of sleep working their way down his legs.

Minhyuk doesn't seem surprised to see him this time; he just looks at him with that tired expression he wore earlier.

"Why are you still here, Jeonghan?"  He asks with a sigh.

"I'm trying this new thing where I don't give up on the things that matter to me," he says honestly.

Minhyuk just looks away with another sigh, starting to walk in the direction of his apartment.

Jeonghan trails after him, feeling slightly like a lost puppy.  "Just let me walk you home, at least!"

"Fine," Minhyuk says curtly, not even sparing Jeonghan a glance.  Jeonghan is just thankful to not be shunned completely.

They walk in silence for awhile, Minhyuk staring blankly ahead while Jeonghan gazes at the side of his face.  It was as if he had forgotten how ethereal Minhyuk was, even in the dull lighting of passing street lamps and storefronts.

Minhyuk peaks at him from his peripherals.  "What?" He asks when he notices Jeonghan's stare, though there's no real bite to his voice.

"You're pretty," Jeonghan answers honestly.  Minhyuk turns away to hide the flush in his cheeks.  "I'm sorry I never told you that before.  But you really are."

"Why are you saying stuff like that?" Minhyuk asks incredulously, face still turned away.  Jeonghan can see how his ears are tinged pink.

"Because I'm an idiot and I'm trying to make it up to you," he offers.  "And because you deserve to know how wonderful you really are."

They stay silent after that, though the pink dusting never seems to leave Minhyuk's cheeks.  Maybe it's just from the cold bite of the air, but Jeonghan hopes it has something to do with what he said.  The silence is still lingering when they finally reach Minhyuk's apartment, standing awkwardly as the two try to figure out what to do.

"I want-"

"Maybe we-"

There's an awkward pause as their statements overlap.  "You first," Minhyuk says.

"I want you to know that…  I want you to be happy.  And I've really fucked that up for you, I know that I have.  So I want to fix it, but maybe I can't.  My ideal is that I apologize and you forgive me and we try this dating thing for real," Jeonghan says, staring down at his hands because he can't quite meet Minhyuk's eyes anymore.  "But more than that, I want you to be happy.  You deserve to be with someone who loves you and treats you like the most important thing in the world.  And maybe I'm not the person to do that."

Jeonghan pauses for a moment, trying to figure out what else to say.  "You deserve to be happy, Minhyukkie.  For your sake, not for anybody else's.  I'm sorry that I ruined that for you."

Minhyuk nods slowly, biting hard into his lip.  His eyes are distant and a little bit glassy.  There's a long stretch of silence between them, what statement Minhyuk was going to make is long forgotten.

"You don't have to say anything," Jeonghan adds on after a moment, shifting back and forth on his feet.  "You deserve time to be on your own and to process what I've said.  I should really go."

"Don't go," Minhyuk blurts out immediately, grabbing onto Jeonghan's wrist; his long fingers burn hot around Jeonghan's chilled skin.  He seems to stumble over his words in an attempt to recover.  "I mean.  It's dark out and it's too cold for you to walk home now.  You'll get sick.  Just… Come inside for a bit."

Jeonghan blinks, looking down at the hand on his wrist.  "Okay," he says.  "Yeah, let's do that."

-

There's no one in the apartment when the two enter.  The silence between them is even more overwhelming in the confined space.  

"Should I make tea or something?" Minhyuk offers in a quiet voice.  There's a chill still resting in Jeonghan's bones so he graciously accepts the offer.

With the tea made, they sit silently at opposite ends of the couch.  There has never been so much space between them; Jeonghan is used to the way that Minhyuk would always cling to him, barely any space ever left between them.  The stretch of the couch between them feels like he's an eternity away from Minhyuk.  There's still tension between them, it feeling like it's going to crush Jeonghan's chest; he wishes someone, anyone would come back to the apartment.  He'd even endure Kihyun screaming at him if it meant breaking the unbearable silence.

"Did you mean all that you said before?" Minhyuk eventually asks, speaking over the rim of his mug in a small voice.  He's staring forward, eyes locked with the empty space just beyond Jeonghan.

"Yeah," Jeonghan replies gently.  "I… Listen, your feelings matter more than anything else.  I never should have taken advantage of you."

Minhyuk is silent for a long time, staring into the mug he now holds in his lap.  "I missed you," he admits quietly.

"I missed you too," Jeonghan says immediately, feeling a little bit breathless.  "And I'm sorry.  I know apologies don't mean much but… I'm really sorry."

"You know it's never going to be the same?"  Minhyuk offers.  "Us dating.  If we do it for real."

"Are you saying- are we going to date for real this time?"  Jeonghan asks, trying not to sound overly eager.

Minhyuk bites his lower lip, fingers curling and uncurling around his mug.  "I don't know.  I don't even know where to begin."

"We can begin with a real date," Jeonghan offers.  "Not us meeting in some seedy club and not me showing you off to my friends.  Just a real, genuine date.  We can dress up, go out for a nice dinner.  We'll both be too nervous to hold the other's hand, but we'll certainly think about it a lot.  We'll talk and tell each other things, not because we need to know facts to convince people that we're dating, but because we want to know each other.  I want to know everything about you, Minhyuk.  I want to fall in love with you again not because of some stupid deal we set up to fool my friends, but because you're the most wonderful person in my life."

Somewhere along the way, Minhyuk starts to tear up; a few tears slip down his cheeks, but for once, he's smiling, letting out small hiccuping laughs.  Jeonghan doesn't even think when he climbs across the stretch of sofa between them to grab Minhyuk's face, brushing away his tears before leaning in to kiss him gently on the mouth.  He pulls away quickly.

"I shouldn't have done that, I'm sorry, I-"

Minhyuk leans in and kisses him again, silencing him.  Jeonghan had forgotten how wonderful it felt to kiss Minhyuk; lips warm and soft, fitting perfectly against his own.  "Jeonghan, I really, really like you.  Still, even after what happened," he says, words slow and caluclated, cautious of saying too much.  "I- I want to try again.  But I want us to take it slow and do thing right.  So that's the last kiss you're getting for now; I'm not the type to kiss before the first date."

Jeonghan just smiles and pulls Minhyuk into a tight hug, burying his face in Minhyuk's neck.  For once, it's like the weight on his chest has finally lifted, a wave of relief washing through him at the feeling of finally breathing easy.  He breathes in the warm and familiar scent of Minhyuk, a mix of soap and cologne that Jeonghan didn't even realize he missed.  Everything feels right when Minhyuk wraps his own arms around Jeonghan and pulls him close.

There is still an uncertainty resting in the back of Jeonghan's mind.  The potential that one day, no matter how much Jeonghan loves him, Minhyuk might leave him.  Or one day, he might hurt Minhyuk again.  There are so many things that can go wrong and the selfish part of Jeonghan's brain wants nothing more than to run away now, to block his heart off again before anyone can get hurt.

But instead he focuses on everything real and tangible; Minhyuk's hands resting softly on his back, his breath ghosting over Jeonghan's skin, the faint tingle still buzzing in his lips from their final kiss.

"I don't mind.  I'm sure it'll be worth the wait," Jeonghan says, and for once, he doesn't feel afraid.

Kihyun comes home late that night to find Minhyuk asleep on the couch.  He's got a blanket stretched across him, head resting comfortably on a pillow.  What surprises Kihyun the most, however, is that Jeonghan is also asleep in his living room, sprawled out on the floor next to the couch.  He's got a pillow and blanket of his own.

Kihyun should be annoyed or agitated, but he catches sight of the two boys' hands; Minhyuk's arm dangles off the couch to meet Jeonghan's, their fingers interlocked tightly despite both boys being asleep.

For the first time in weeks, Minhyuk looks peaceful, a faint smile on his lips.  A smile not for the sake of others, but one of genuine happiness.

Kihyun sighs and walks past them, letting them stay asleep as he quietly closes the door to his own room behind him.

He could wait until morning to curse Jeonghan out.