Chapter Text
Jimin wasn’t sure why he stayed up so late at night, but it had become a habit so he didn’t try to get better. Maybe he stayed awake because it doesn’t really matter what you do, you have no requirements or demands. If you wanted, you could stare at a wall for several hours and no one would care or even know, it wouldn’t matter. Or maybe he sat up for several hours doing nothing in particular because he simply felt more alive and clear headed at that time. In the daytime he always felt tired (that could just be the consequence of going to sleep at five, on school nights) and sluggish, like he couldn’t think straight. Jimin thought of sleep as a waste of time, really. There’s just so many hours in the day and why would he want to waste eight of them just lying in bed?
His parents didn’t know, of course. He told them good night at eleven and then hid in his room, quiet as a mouse. It didn’t bother him now as much as it had in the beginning, he even found himself looking forward to being alone with only his thoughts or computer to entertain him. Jimin enjoyed being alone, but he also longed for being surrounded by people who loved him. He had grown up in a good neighborhood and his family was happy and he was in general living a pretty damn good life. He tried to not take it for granted, but being human that didn’t always hold up. There were days where he wanted to disappear, run away and live a fun, spontaneous life. He quickly realized though, that he would not survive a day. It wasn’t like he didn’t have any street skills and he wasn’t really socially awkward, he was just… Shy. And he cared way too much about what other people thought. Although running away sounded glorious and like one big amazing adventure, he knew he wouldn’t get far and quickly batted the thought out of his head.
Jimin glanced at the clock who told him it was past three. He quietly closed his laptop (the habit of doing everything without a sound hadn’t left him for the two years he had had this habit of staying up late) and hid his face in his hands, now completely surrounded by darkness. It was one of those nights. Those kinds of nights where your mind is searching through every corner of your being, turning every stone to find that unhappy thought, whatever it might be.
Jimin just let it happen. He let his mind wander to the darkest places, he turned himself inside out with it. He let it tear down his walls, rip up his floor and crash his ceiling, only touching the bad stuff. The good memories he left to dust somewhere in the back of his mind– right now it wasn’t their turn. He just let the gray and gut wrenching ones roam his thoughts and let them be in charge of his breathing, blinking, everything. They travelled places he had stopped them from going to for what felt like several years, although in reality it probably hadn’t even been a week. They brought up his bad habits, all the things he’s tried but dropped because his patience always betrayed him, the people he’s left and the ones who’s left him.
The thought of his mother made his heart sink and left a sour taste in his mouth. Although he was sure he was a good son and his mother was fine and sleeping downstairs, he always got a feeling of guilt when he saw her. It didn’t make sense and Jimin was sure he was being overly sensitive, which he hated, but seeing how it was one of those nights, he just stopped questioning and left his mind to itself knowing it would feel better in the morning.
It didn’t. It never did. The next morning he felt like a mess but then again, he barely got any sleep. Half an hour of restless slumbering until he was forced out of bed by his mother. She was sick of him always being late to school and as a result she drove him to school every morning, much earlier than needed. School started 8.30 and he got there at a quarter passed seven every single day. He just waved to her as she drove away, immediately slouching his posture when she couldn’t see him anymore. His eyes stung every time he blinked and he couldn’t wait to get inside so he could sit down and maybe get to close his eyes if even for five minutes. He found safety in the library where he just slid down into an armchair, resting his chin against the back of his palm and closed his eyes hoping for just a second
He got a lot more than just a second. He woke up at nine when students started streaming in and he bolted out of there as quickly as he could. He interrupted a walkthrough as he tried sneaking into the classroom. Of course, he couldn’t sneak because his teacher wasn’t blind and to get to his desk he had to actually pass by the teacher.
”Park Jimin, you’re late. Again.” The voice was stern and eyes pierced through him. Jimin just rubbed his neck and bowed slightly to the elder man.
”I’m sorry Mr. Kim.” A quiet puff could be heard but Jimin just slid into his desk trying to ignore the eyes of his friend burning in his back.
Taehyung poked his pen into Jimin’s back. The elder turned around and raised his eyebrow at his friend. ”Where were you? Did you fall asleep again?”
”Yeah, in the library.”
His friend rolled his eyes, sighing. ”Why do you even bother coming so early if you’re just going to be late to class?"
Jimin wanted to sigh but held it back and instead tried smiling at his friend, only getting a questioning look back. ”You know I’m not the one choosing to come early.”
”Yeah, it’s your mom’s fault. As usual.” Taehyung puffed and got back to work, writing away on the paper the class had gotten assigned.
Jimin felt his stomach sinking but ignored it. Taehyung was always like this in the morning and Jimin just had to bear with it. He tried writing some answers to the actually simple questions but found his brain didn’t want to think and so he just pretended to do work for another hour before class was over. The familiar sound of the bell made Jimin sigh in relief and the class quickly gathered their stuff and left the room.
”What did you write on the third question? I got stuck.” Jungkook shoved all his stuff into his backpack as they walked, not looking up at his older friends as they pushed through the mostly full corridors.
Taehyung started explaining something about the main character’s inner struggles defining their actions but Jimin didn’t really understand seeing as he didn’t even look at that question. ”What did you write on that one?”
”Eh, I didn’t do it.”
Taehyung stopped, looking slightly annoyed at his older friend. ”It was the third question. Why didn’t you do it?”
Jimin shrugged as he pulled his friend’s arm to make him start walking again to avoid blocking up the narrow corridor. ”I just didn’t get there.”
His friend dropped the subject but was obviously slightly annoyed. Jimin tried elbowing Taehyung’s side but only got a frustrated groan as a response. He decided it would be best to distance himself for a while so Taehyung could calm down.
Jungkook talked happily with Taehyung as they got closer to the next class. Jimin listened closely to their conversation, occasionally saying something funny or smart. None of them laughed. If Jimin was lucky they rewarded him with a sharp exhale from the nose but that was simply it. Jimin was happy with that though.
”I hate chemistry”, Jimin said as he slid down into his seat next to Taehyung who just hummed in response. ”I don’t get it."
”I mean, you often come quite late so maybe that’s why.”
Jimin ignored the frustration welling up in his stomach and just smiled at his friend. Taehyung smiled weakly back. The class started and the only communication they had with each other was when Jimin had caught his younger friend’s eyes and wiggled his eyebrows. Taehyung hadn’t wiggled back. Of course he didn’t, Jimin thought to himself. He can’t wiggle his eyebrows.'
Everything felt right again when they after lunch bought coffee and sat in the cafeteria just as usual. Taehyung said a terrible joke and Jimin laughed because he said equally terrible jokes and found them hilarious. Jungkook sat quiet beside them, sipping on his hot cocoa. He would have gotten tea, but he insisted it wasn’t tea weather and so he of course chose the most sugary option. A boy walked past their table, greeted Jimin with a nod, which he could barely return. Jimin felt a faint blush of embarrassment creep unto his face, which Taehyung didn’t miss and he quickly commented on it, teasing his older friend.
”I honestly still can’t believe you have a thing for Jiyong. I get you being friends ten years ago or whatever but you still haven’t gotten over him and that’s just baffling.”
Jimin shushed his friend and nudged his side, grinning widely. ”Someone could hear, so would you shut up, asshole?”
The boys just snickered quietly and it wasn’t long before Jimin cracked another terrible joke and got hit in the back of his head by Jungkook. It felt good and the whole of Jimin was back to shining brightly.
Jimin was tired. He was so tired, even more so now than a few months ago. His staying up late-habit came and went, but it was worse now than it had been before. He found himself almost falling asleep in class, or even when he just closed his eyes for more than two seconds he could feel himself dozing off. No one had really noticed this, much to Jimin’s relief, but he knew he couldn’t continue on like this. Although he never really knew when it would disappear. He could of course choose to go to sleep at eleven and then, that’d be it, but he’d feel so bad the morning after so he just rode it out, waiting for his tiredness to catch up with him before he lets himself crash. In some weird way, he took pride in not sleeping. He told himself that he was doing great and forced himself to be up even longer and he didn’t understand why, really. He just did.
So maybe that’s what lead him to fall asleep in class. He didn’t even notice it but then the bell rang and he jolted up with a shock. His teacher looked at him, eyebrow raised and mouth pressed together into a thin line.
”Jimin, will you stay for a bit?”
Jimin just nodded and relaxed in his chair again, chin resting in his open palm. He felt his teacher sitting down across from him and opened one of his eyes to look at him. He looked worried.
”Are you okay?”
The question hanged in the air, unanswered. Jimin didn’t really understand why his teacher asked him this but figured he must have a good reason and just slowly nodded. ”Yeah, I’m good.”
The older man nodded slowly, although he didn’t seem to believe his student’s words. ”Are you sleeping at night? You seem really tired.” Jimin broke eye contact with the man, suddenly feeling guilty because the teacher had known he was sleeping during his class and Jimin knew that was pretty rude.
Jimin shrugged, still looking at everything except the teacher sitting in front of him. ”Whatever it is, I can’t have you sleeping in class. You’re lucky I noticed you’ve been feeling out of it and didn’t wake you up.” Jimin nodded thankfully and smiled weakly, a smile that faded once the teacher started talking again. ”Why aren’t you sleeping at home?”
He slouched in his seat. ”It’s a long story, Mr. Jong.”
It really wasn’t. He just didn’t want to talk about it.
His teacher leaned back into the chair, crossing his arms. ”Jimin, you’re a good kid. I don’t want to give you detention, I really don’t. So I don’t want to hear any more from other teachers about you sleeping in class or being late, okay?”
Jimin nodded and quickly left once his teacher told him it was fine and started to walk home in silence, thoughts racing in his head. He had gotten out of detention for this time but he knew he had to straighten up his act or else he would find himself in a tight spot which he did not want to be in. He didn't want to disappoint his mother and he certainly didn't want to have to spend time surrounded by the other kinds of people who got detention, like smokers or fighters. Jimin wasn't a smoker or fighter, he barely was a talk-during-classer, but he was now in a situation where detention was a possibility, which scared him. He just had to get his shit together for a few hours per day, and then he could be a tired mess when he got home. Which he did, without even noticing. He barely noticed as he opened his bedroom door, shutting it slowly and then falling into bed. He fell asleep, thoughts still racing and making him worried.
”Jimin I swear to God if you don’t get up within five minutes I will leave without you and then you’ll miss the whole school day, probably.” His mom’s voice woke him again for the third time in 30 minutes. He had fallen asleep again after every time, and 30 minutes had passed when Jimin just meant for 5.
Of course, his mother didn’t leave. She couldn’t just leave him to miss school so she just dragged him out of his warm bed. ”I can’t believe you.”
Jimin, who was barely awake, swayed as he stood. ”Can’t I just stay home for today and sleep?”
She raised her hand at him but left it there. She had never hit him and he knew she never would but that didn’t stop him from jumping in surprise when it happened. ”Jesus Jimin, just get dressed and come out to the car. Don’t forget to brush your teeth.”
Now he had no choice and he quickly pulled a shirt over his head (when did he take off his shirt yesterday?) and changed pants. He’d fallen asleep with jeans on last night and now he knew what that felt like. Uncomfortable, so to say. He didn’t brush his teeth, figuring he could just chew some gum once he got to school to get rid of his morning breath.
He realized as he walked into the library that he had slept the whole night, yet he was still tired. He felt a sting of disappointment in his stomach that he hadn't stayed up late but rather fell asleep when he got home. He just slid down into a comfortable chair, this time setting an alarm so he wouldn’t come late to class. He figured it was worth waking up to the horrible alarm than to do detention with all the bad people in school who smoked and did all sorts of bad stuff that Jimin didn’t do. Jimin didn’t do bad stuff. He wasn’t bad enough, he guessed, as he slowly dozed off.
”Ah, Jimin! You’re in time!” His friends shouted as he walked through the door to the classroom, barely in time before the bell rang. ”What has this world come to?”
Jimin just grinned and slumped down on his chair, turning around and facing Taehyung. Ignoring his friends words, he quickly changed subject. ”Tae I had this really weird dream,” and then he was ranting, explaining what he had dreamt. Taehyung seemed to enjoy it and sat back, nodding as he talked.
”Well, that's quite a dream you've got there, Chimchim."
Jimin shrugged, though pleased to hear that Taehyung was in such a good mood. Good enough for him to call Jimin Chimchim, which lately rarely happened. "What can I say, I'm a dream factory."
"Remind me to never visit your factory, then." Jungkook sighed as class started, marking the end of the first short but joyful conversation of the day.
”Jimin I can’t just tell you, you gotta think for yourself.”
Said boy threw his head back and grunted in frustration. ”But I just don’t get it, Tae. It doesn’t make any sense to me.”
Taehyung sighed and just pointed to the question in the book. ”It’s math Jimin. It always makes sense, you just gotta figure it out. If you don’t then you’ll fail all the exams.”
Jimin looked at his friend, feeling defeated. He had known Taehyung for almost his whole life and he loved him with all his being, really, but his friend just made him feel bad sometimes. Tae was so smart and he understood school, and people actually liked him. Jimin was shy so the only people he really knew were Tae and Jungkook. Not that that was bad, not at all, but it sometimes made him feel useless when he saw them being liked and talented when he was just… A lumpy sack of nothingness. And don’t get him started on Jungkook, that kid was a god at everything. Give him any task whatsoever and he will do it perfectly, seemingly effortless. Of course, his grades weren’t the way they were without any effort and Jungkook actually put in a lot of energy in everything he did, he just made it seem like he didn’t.
”Yeah I know, I’m sorry.” He shot his friend a small smile, hoping this wouldn’t make him angry with Jimin because he hated when that happened.
Taehyung gave Jimin a pat on his shoulder and told him to get back to work because he would certainly need it. Jimin didn’t think much of this and just nodded and continued working with the math that made his head spin in confusion.
Lunch went smoothly, they sat in their corner and Jimin slowly sipped on his third coffee that day. Jungkook was telling some ridiculous story as usual, something about a woman carrying a full grown cat in her way too small purse, or maybe it was about the time he had been recognized as a celebrity, of course he wasn’t a celebrity, but he just went along with it. Jimin didn’t know, he didn’t pay a lot of attention even though he knew he should.
He felt like if he didn’t he would miss out on something big and then he wouldn’t be able to fully participate in their conversations for at least two weeks and he certainly didn’t want that. He just couldn’t focus, he was fazing in and out and he didn’t have the energy to try to reel himself into the shore of awareness by now. He found he didn’t have energy for a lot of things, which was a shame. He couldn’t find energy for doing school work or work out (he missed dancing so much) and now he didn’t even bother to listen to one of his best friend’s stories, which just made him feel like the worst friend in existence. He blinked slowly and then tried to get into the conversation again.
However he didn't get too far into the talk (the story was about the woman with the cat purse) (it turned out it wasn’t a real cat, it was a robot) (Jungkook never explained why a woman on the train would have a robot cat in her purse but in that moment it didn’t seem like it mattered because it was a robot cat) because a loud noise bounced between the walls of the cafeteria, making everyone fall into silence. The only thing that could be heard and the thing everyone was turning all their heads and eyes to, was the fight between two boys.
Boys was the wrong word, Jimin thought as he slowly sipped some more of his coffee. They weren’t boys, they were… Well, they weren’t men, but they certainly weren’t boys. The tallest of them was over 6ft probably, which was way taller than Jimin. The one he was fighting, oh boy, he looked like he shouldn’t actually stand a chance. He was probably the same height as Jimin, maybe a little taller but overall he looked small and weak but seeing him fight, Jimin understood he was wrong. While it didn’t look like the boy was winning the fight, he wasn’t loosing either. He didn’t know who they were, but the school was big and they weren’t in his year so it wasn’t actually that hard to understand why.
The taller boy grabbed the other boy’s shirt, lifting him up slightly. They talked to each other but Jimin didn’t hear what they said. The smaller boy grinned and suffered a tough punch to the face, Jimin could feel the pain just from watching. He grunted as he fell to the floor, but instead of lying there facing the embarrassment from getting beaten up in the cafeteria for everyone at school to see, he shot up, punching the taller in the stomach which made him bend over. The fight barely continued, at least four teachers, Jimin couldn’t see really well anymore because of the crowd that gathered in front of his table, broke them apart. He could hear Mr. Kim’s voice which just automatically made shivers travel up anyone’s spine echoing through the cafeteria, ordering both the boys to go to the principal’s office. After huffing in frustration and grunting, they both left. The teachers lingered, telling all the students to calm down. ”Something like this is bound to happen, right? You never know with students nowadays.” Mr. Kim laughed nervously, rubbing his neck.
The incident, though not really normal, wasn’t absurd enough to force itself in Jimin’s memory and stay there, so he soon forgot about it. The school was buzzing for the rest of the day about what would happen to the two fighters, and Jimin was sure he heard some names being called out but he didn’t bother to listen and so he didn’t know. The only thing he only ever remembered was the way the taller boy had lifted the smaller boy as if it was no task at all. They seemed to be in the same age and while the shorter boy sure was small, the weight difference couldn’t be that big. This baffled Jimin, and that was really the only thing he could recall in detail from the day. It was around 4am that he fell asleep and he desperately hoped his mother would forget about him in the morning.