Chapter Text
It had been a long summer.
Long nights spent wondering about choices made and chances not taken while working on everything in-between; homework, costumes and French apologies stood out amongst many others.
Even longer days had stretched out over choreography, group meetings, vocal practice and, of course, dealing with the two girls she called her best friends.
For better or worse.
No, it was a pleasure. Really.
Occasionally testing maybe, like at the end of another long relentlessly hot day.
Kotori leaned back against the wall beside the door exiting the rooftop. She desperately wanted to go home, but it edged the weight off of her feet for just a few sweet moments of relief.
The reason she couldn't (politely) leave yet was a textbook Nico/Maki brawl in the making that Eli was (vainly) trying to break up.
Of her own two charges, Honoka had drifted back towards the commotion like a moth to a flame. Meanwhile, Umi was prowling around the edge of the impending melee, ready to step in at a moment's notice.
They both should have known better.
Now Eli had given up on being the peacekeeper and, with Nozomi's assistance, she was tormenting μ's two most volatile members.
From her vantage point Kotori could see Umi in profile as she paced around the perimeter of the group. She was frowning now.
In moments like these she sometimes played a game where you had to imagine the exact origin and nature of the frown. In this case you'd be forgiven for thinking it was the hold-up or the disagreement within the group, but Kotori knew better (she was not short on practice). It was because Nozomi had engulfed Nico in an awkward hug from behind.
Or the official answer: inappropriate physical contact unbecoming of a young lady.
A well-known and well-reviled Sonoda point of contention. Shameless indeed.
One day Kotori imagined she would be able to read the curve of Umi's frowning lips like a language. No need to consider their inspiration, she would just know; an un-tucked shirt, a latecomer to class, literally anything Honoka was doing.
Okay, that last one was obvious.
She did cut a fine shape before Kotori's eyes though. It was enough to forgive the smaller things.
...To clarify, it was a matter of appreciation for the human form...
No. Scratch that.
It was the fashion designer within. She admired Umi's form in a professional light.
A professional light.
That seemed appropriate as Umi stepped to the edge of the roof, sighed in frustration and then stretched her arms upwards, presenting a lithe half-silhouetted figure to Kotori's ever-present gaze.
Though her eyes drank the sight in, her features remained unmoved. She didn't like to be caught out. Couldn't afford to be.
She reminded herself that Umi saw her as the reliable friend. The one whom she consulted on all the important facts and figures. And that was fine. That was practical .
For anything else past her comfort zone Umi could always push or cajole Honoka into dealing with it, holding her out like a smiling shield against all that was...
That was probably harsh, Kotori remonstrated with herself. She didn't really think about it like that.
A smart girl like Kotori didn't concern herself with those types of nagging, hanging thoughts. You just had to let them go.
She looked back across to the group. Maki looked to be on the verge of a rage stroke, provoked by the verbal barrage of a turbo-charged Nico-Nico-Ni.
It was a signal they all knew. Time to go.
Umi was striding Kotori's way, her gaze locking on for a synchronized roll of the eyes at the audaciousness of the other girls.
Kotori obliged her but tempered it with a sweet smile for their wacky friends.
What else can you do? It's a juggling act.
*******************
Walking home Kotori and Umi drifted away from the main group earlier than necessary to avoid the bubbling permutations of Eli and Nozomi's latest little scheme. Honoka came reluctantly, she was enjoying pumping up Nico (who really didn't need any help) while seemingly oblivious to the death stares she was earning from Maki.
They stopped at a fast food restaurant after Umi reminded Honoka she owed them both a meal. Umi didn't really go for fast food but it was the principle that counted.
Honoka argued vehemently against the charge but Umi had the smoking gun; a photo she had taken on her phone of a previous receipt when she had paid for both of them.
A typical Umi move. Checkmate, Honoka.
It was the type of squabble that always tickled Kotori's funny bone as she stood on the periphery.
She would gently chastise Umi for being such a stickler later. It was the only way she'd learn, from her softly spoken friend. Though she should probably also warn Honoka to never underestimate Umi's record-keeping abilities again.
When they sat down to eat, much like the rooftop, Kotori found herself outside of whatever was going on at their table. The conversation seemed to pass her by, even as she nodded at the correct intervals and hummed her approval on cue.
Perhaps she was just faint from practising out in the open under the beating sun after a day of melting in classrooms.
The shape Umi had cut on the roof flared into her mind's eye. But this time it was a total silhouette. The features she knew so well were... Not gone, but hidden. If you stood to one side you would be able to see her again but Kotori couldn't find the will to move.
She had the vague idea that something was drifting away from her, far into the distance...
"HEY KOTORI-CHAN!" Honoka shouted, inches from Kotori's face.
Kotori blinked, startled for a moment before she focused on the face of her friend.
"You were going to fall asleep!" Honoka laughed.
Kotori looked down at the table and the meal she hadn't touched, smiling sheepishly.
"Of course she wasn't going to fall asleep. Kotori-chan was probably just tired of your excuses." Umi snapped.
Kotori vaguely recalled they had been discussing student council matters. Ugh, that again.
"And she's probably tired of doing your job for you." Umi added for good measure with a firm, disapproving shake of her head.
"Umi-chan..." Kotori tried to intervene.
"Geez... Okay, okay. I'll catch up on that schedule tomorrow."
Honoka leaned back and stretched her arms out, nearly punching Kotori in the face in the process.
"Way to ruin my Sunday." Honoka threw a mocking glare at Umi.
"Weren't we going to the cinema tomorrow?" Kotori enquired.
"Sorry, Kotori-chan. I said I would help out cleaning up at the shop. Dad wants to do some refurbing."
"So you've triple-booked yourself. Classic Kousaka." Umi stated with a pointed look.
"I'll get it all done. Quit whining." Honoka waved her away.
Umi nearly exploded. "Me? I'm not whining."
"It's like you never graduated from being a hall-monitor." Honoka sniggered.
"I was never a hall-monitor!" Umi announced to everyone in the restaurant.
Immediately realizing the extent of her outburst, she blushed furiously before burying her face in her arms upon the table.
"It was the disciplinary committee." She grumbled.
"You did wear the sash..." Kotori couldn't help herself. "...A lot."
"Assistant to head hall-monitor." Honoka said between gasps of laughter.
A muffled groan sounded out from Umi's prone form.
"Never quite found that last promotion. Too much focus on authority, didn't play the politics game." Kotori added, giggling manically.
Umi looked up at her, forlorn wide amber eyes in torment.
"You as well?"
It was a testament to how well Umi could portray betrayal, Kotori genuinely felt a sense of guilt, like a bolt through her good humour.
"Just a joke, Umi-chan." Kotori sold the apology with a disarming smile.
Whenever they did this little dance Umi had a habit of shaking her head and smiling to herself. It was as if she was saying: Of course, Kotori would never really mean it.
Honestly, Kotori wasn't sure if it was a compliment or something a little more concerning.
"I'll text you both anyway. If I can't make it you two can just go." Honoka resumed the conversation. "It'll be just like a date."
The moment she said it, alarm bells went off in Kotori's head. It was just a joke, an oblivious-Honoka-special at that, but no one was laughing.
So Kotori laughed, loudly and abruptly. Because it was such a ridiculous thing to say.
Honoka glanced at her in alarm at the sudden outburst.
"What? Aren't you two always hanging out?"
Oh god. Shut up Honoka. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.
Wait, were they always hanging out? Is that how people saw them? But just as friends. Friends hang out all of the time. They were friends who hang... Hung... Hanging... they spent a perfectly reasonable amount of time together.
These were not great leaps of logic by any standard but Kotori suddenly found the concept difficult to grasp, as if it was lost in the air.
She risked a glance at Umi.
Umi didn't seem to react but Kotori couldn't catch her eye. Was she being avoided or was she just letting a careless sentence strike a little too close to home?
The latter, clearly.
Date.
Come on. It was just a joke.
Quick, laugh again!
Before she could, Umi said something that blindsided her...
"We'd have a better time without you."
It was said sourly. And what she probably meant was that they'd actually meet on time without Honoka's inevitable mix-up of the who, when and where.
But it still sent her heart aflutter for a brief moment.
"If it's another documentary about bridges I'll pass anyway." Honoka replied.
"We didn't see that in the cinema." Umi gave her a puzzled look. "That was at my house."
"I remember." Honoka sighed.
"And it wasn't about bridges. It was a very informative documentary about structural engineering in the late 19th century."
Honoka stared at her blankly. Kotori wasn't listening.
Umi despaired for a moment before appealing to the table. To reason.
" Structural engineering. " She pleaded.
Silence.
"Kotori-chan enjoyed it." Umi huffed.
Kotori was currently too occupied to correct Umi on what a horrific lie that was.
This wasn't the time for idle chatter. There were plans to be made and outfits to co-ordinated. There was...
...No rush. Because it was just a casual Saturday evening with friends. A casual Sunday would follow with just one friend. Singular. Just one. Casual.
It was casual. A casual affair.
Absentmindedly, Kotori picked at a few fries that had tumbled to the edge of Umi's tray.
"Kotori..." Umi was ready to admonish on reflex.
"Yours just taste sweeter." Kotori chirped, heading Umi off with her cutest smile.
She was slipping. She knew it.
********************
They caught a train home and departed at each girl's respective stop, as was the routine.
Honoka went first. Kotori was next but there was a few minutes until her stop.
As she sat next to Umi she pondered Honoka's words.
Maybe Honoka was right. They were together a lot, more than friends usually are. Practically a couple, right? That's probably why Honoka had said date. Because that's what a couple did, they dated . By that logic they were already dating. Already dating. Everyone already knew, right? Practically an established couple. Practically. Even Honoka realized...
At that point Kotori realized that she was over-thinking something that Kousaka Honoka had said.
A grave mistake.
Honoka pretty much said whatever came to mind, hers were not words the scholars and scribes would record forevermore.
At first she smiled at the thought of her friend's carelessness but then it soured because...
"What's wrong?"
"Just..."
She made the mistake of turning to address the question. Suddenly the reason got caught in her throat.
Every now and then when Kotori would look at Umi, all it took was an innocuous gesture or question and she would get caught up in the details. The way Umi's lips curved when she was curious or puzzled, how her eyes always seemed a touch wider when she looked at Kotori... How they sucked her into the deep and dark amber.
"Kotori..."
Oh no.
She was really starting to lose her grip now. It didn't take anything. It could happen at a moment's notice.
"Kotori... Are you alright?"
She always wore concern well, like she really cared. Kotori liked to be the object of her attention in those moments. To be the focus of Umi's attention...
She jolted suddenly when Umi touched her wrist gently.
"Y-y-yes... Yes, I'm fine. Just... Err... Just tired. I'm just tired."
Pull it together.
...But Umi's eyes were enveloping her again. Was she leaning towards her?
Kotori let out the slightest of gasps. Was she imagining Umi's lips parting?
"It's your stop." Umi looked so perplexed as she said it that Kotori mistook it as a question.
"My stop?"
"It's your stop."
"It's my stop..?"
"Kotori, we're at your station. To go home you need to get off the train."
Kotori blinked and looked around. Realization struck her and she hopped to her feet.
She really needed to go home. This was only going to get worse.
"I-I'll see you tomorrow, Umi-chan!" She practically shouted.
For some reason, rather than waving, she gave Umi a salute. She wasn't sure why and hesitated halfway through. It was too late to stop.
She ended up just turning and running away.
Maybe it would come off as alluring, she consoled herself.
*******************
That night Kotori buried her face in the pillows upon her bed, the embarrassment of her total lapse in reality still burning bright.
She had nearly given the game away.
So close. She had felt the line she had drawn burn bright in her mind, her instincts nearly pushing her over it. The desire caught her unaware sometimes, like an old friend, the details only came into focus in the moment you saw them. You couldn't steel yourself beforehand... And she had been dizzy from Honoka's little joke, over-thinking and feeling.
There were myriad reasons, really.
She rolled over to cast her gaze over a few outfits she had picked out for tomorrow. She couldn't decide but it would come to her in the morning. Again, best not to over-analyse.
It didn't really matter what she wore anyway.
That was what she kept telling herself about anything that concerned the person that mattered most. Stuck in-between, she knew that she lacked the proper perspective but that didn't make things any clearer.
Kotori got up and walked over to her desk, flipping open some sketch books and examining a few costume designs she needed to go over.
There was work to be done but she hesitated. After a few moments of futile resistance she opened a drawer in the desk and retrieved an olive green sketchbook. She paused again, torn between the simple choice before her. Indecision had become a familiar foe these days.
When did it start? Where?
There hadn't been any definitive moment. There wasn't a time or place where it all came together. She hadn't woken up one morning and just... Felt that way.
At some point it had just started to descend upon her. Gently at first, glances and blushes. It was a game, to find an excuse to touch her without arousing suspicion. It was done in the way young girls could hold hands or kiss without it meaning anything because affection was still allowed. You were too young to understand the depth of it people could inspire. It was just a frivolity.
Until the arousal began to stir with maturity.
Still, it was an innocence you could stretch out and exploit if you wanted to. And something about Kotori made people want to believe that she was still too young at heart, so she hid her aches behind a cute smile and people bought it.
Umi bought it.
It was funny, Umi was the one Kotori wanted to see through it the most.
Kotori flipped the book open, placing it upon the desk. The sketches within contained her most intricate efforts, instances of her greatest inspiration. They were the pages only she would ever see.
In the end it was just a way to let it out, to take the mask off here so she didn't end up dazed like earlier on the train, on the verge of a mistake she would never be able to amend.
The way she was around Umi, it was just a necessary deception, that was all. She didn't like lying or being manipulative, every time she did it it was like draping another veil over her disguise. She drifted further from who she really was.
She had tried a more definitive solution but...
...That had been France. Seemingly the only solution.
A compromise. No one would get hurt and no one would know. A shiny new life with her temptation removed, at least for a year.
But that had fallen apart. At first in the most beautiful way...
She had caught a glimpse of Umi first at the airport and for one moment it seemed like her wildest dreams were coming true.
Actually, it had been something else entirely. A feeling Kotori didn't understand yet. She kept it locked away deep down inside. Too precious to let out.
She skimmed through a few pages and came to that moment, her attempt at capturing it, the way Umi had looked when their eyes met across the terminal.
She had drafted it so many times and this was the best version but it still wasn't all there. She had the subject but it lacked a certain something, perhaps the way the room had felt, the movements and, most of all, the elation... Or whatever it was that she had felt for those fleeting few moments...
Then she had caught sight of Honoka and realised.
Even though she had heard the story later; that Umi had convinced Honoka to go, the truth had still been laid out in that moment.
Umi would have let her go.
It was silly. Of course she would have, she thought Kotori wanted to go. She only had herself to blame for that.
It still hurt though, and the contradictory nature of it all only made the wound feel deeper.
Kotori put the book down only to pick it up again moments later.
It didn't help to dwell on these matters. A smart girl doesn't hang onto things that hurt.
She scanned through some other pages.
Really they were all the same. In these pages Umi wasn't so much the subject as a series of memories, insignificant moments where Kotori had wanted to make them something more but hadn't. They were the details she focused on in an attempt to avoid looking at the bigger picture. The way Umi's hair had fallen that one time, the shadow she had cast or the way she gripped a bow in another. She was chronicling things lost in time, remembered by no one else. It was all she could do for now.
In time she would learn. One day it would make sense. She would move on, close this book for the last time and discard it.
Better to believe that. Better to hope than live in longing.
So in the meantime, she would go out tomorrow and have a good time. There would be no mistakes and it would be a pleasant afternoon in the company of someone she admired.
And because she admired Umi, she could at least show it in her own subtle way. She could be there, she could listen and advise. Even if it wasn't exactly what she wanted she could still give something. That could mean a lot, being selfless for the person who mattered most. It was something to work towards. A goal.
Even if Umi didn't really see her, she could settle for being a good friend, maybe a great one. It was fine as long as she could just pull herself back in character if she started to slip again.