Chapter Text
TG: rose
TG: rose i have a problem
TG: rose hey
TG: where the fuck are you
TG: i know you have a weird schedule but it's like the middle of the fucking day
TG: or whatever passes for day on this dumb rock
TG: come on don't leave me hanging
TG: i have an actual real life problem here
TG: rose
TG: rooooooose
TT: Dear God, do you ever shut up?
TG: haha i knew you were there
TG: what took you so long
TT: I was having, ah,
TT: What was it Karkat called it?
TT: A "fucking imbecilic cross-cultural exchange of alternia-shaking proportions".
TT: Fucking being the operative term here
TG: oh my god rose you didnt
TT: I did
TT: Repeatedly
TG: oh my god my sister had sex with an alien
TT: This is not new information
TG: what about your maidenly virtues rose
TT: If you've ever operated under the delusion that I am in any way "maidenly", I will have to re-evaluate my estimation of your observation skills.
TG: yeah lmao
TG: anyway you're obviously busy getting busy so i'll catch you later
TT: Dave, wait.
TT: You said you had a problem?
TG: what who me
TG: nope
TG: no problems here
TG: i'm the chilliest motherfucker around, that's me
TG: i make the problems around here yo
TT: Sigh
TT: Maybe you'd better come over.
* * *
"For the love of God, please tell me you're not naked in there."
"One moment." You hear Rose moving around, or possibly Kanaya. There's the sound of fabric shuffling. Some muffled banging.
Rose greets you at the door wearing... definitely not her shirt. Oookay then. "Brother dearest." She says.
"Sister sadist," you reply, absentmindedly. Rose's room is a disaster. Kanaya waves lazily at you from the bed.
You're not sure how fucked up it is that this is becoming the new normal.
You perch on Rose's desk. Rose pulls up a chair. Kanaya (thankfully clothed) stands behind her. It's like you're having an intervention or something.
"Rose has informed me," grins Kanaya, "that you've been having some boy trouble."
You glare at Rose. "I hadn't even told you yet!"
"Elementary, my dear brother."
You groan. This was a terrible idea. "This is a terrible idea."
"On the contrary," Rose is smugger than you've ever seen her, "we believe we have the solution."
You squint at them from behind your shades. "Is this gonna turn out good, or will I look back on this conversation as the point where everything went absolutely fucking pear shaped?"
"Only one way to find out."
* * *
Kanaya, because she's a saint, makes you a list.
The list is entitled "A Ten Step Plan For Wooing Karkat Vantas" and features a multitude of illustrations in purple pen. Based on how quickly she pulls it out, you're pretty sure Kanaya's had this on hand for a while. You're not surprised to find that this is what they do in their free time, when they're not off macking. Or reading Troll Twilight to each other.
"So we're doing this," you say. Your mouth threatens to twitch into something dangerously smile-shaped.
"Yes," says Kanaya. "We are making this happen."
"Hell yes."
Kanaya makes you swear upon pain of chainsaw-themed-dismemberment to follow each step to the letter. You resist. She insists. You relent. Rose watches you sweat from the sidelines, drinking tea with a self-satisfied smirk. You have no idea how you survived a week with these flighty broads, much less two years and three months.
It's a pretty great day.
* * *
Step one is "Fully And Completely Plan The Date Including Such Facets As Where It Will Be Held When It Will Be Held What Activities You Will Engage In What You Will Need For The Date Etcetera." It features a tiny illustration of you and Karkat on a fancy candlelight dinner date. There are what appear to be stars drawn above your heads.
The closest thing you get to stars in the furthest ring are distant dreambubbles or what you think are horrorterror eyes. This calls for a bit of DIY.
"I've got it all planned out," you tell The Mayor. The two of you are working on an extension to the Can Town Memorial Library. It's important work. Very serious business. "I'm gonna string some Christmas lights along the ceiling in the common room, alchemize a table and tablecloth, and make some fancy foods for us to eat. It'll be a dinner date." You pause. "Or maybe I'll just make non-fancy food. Whatever."
The Mayor flashes you a thumbs up from where he's stacking some cans. You finish carefully embellishing the entranceway to the Snoop Dog Memorial Amphitheater, offer your fist to the mayor. Bumps are achieved. You lean over to pat his head. "You're the best monorail ever, dude." He flashes you another thumbs up, then goes back to doing his civic duty to the city.
Yeah. You've got this.
* * *
Step two is "Ask Karkat On A Date." You skip that and go straight to step three, which is "Acquire A Fancy Outfit For The Date." You have a sneaking suspicion as to why Kanaya included it in there. The tiny drawing of you in a fancy dress is pretty cute, though.
"Question," you say, as you examine your new suit. "How the hell did you get my exact measurements."
Kanaya has the decency to look embarrassed. "Do you recall the meteor game night Terezi and Vriska arranged?"
"The one where Karkat threw a fit over troll charades?" She nods. "I still don't-" Oh. "Oh," you say, aloud. "Twister."
"Twister," Kanaya confirms.
Well shit. "I'm impressed. That's some grade-A creepy, Maryam."
"Thank you," she says, as always nailing the human sarcasm. "I try my best."
"Dave," she asks, after you've tried on the suit. It fits like a glove, naturally. "I trust you have already asked Karkat on the date?" You squirm. "Dave."
"I'm working on it!"
She gives an exaggerated sigh. This is made all the more terrifying by her impressive set of fangs. "I suppose I will have to re-oil my chainsaw a day early, then. A pity."
You shove a finger at her. "This, Kanaya? This is why we can't have nice things."
She gives you a grin. There's those scary chompers again. "On the contrary, Dave, I believe that, with the right motivation, anything is possible."
You glare at her. She grins back. Fucking flighty broads.
* * *
Because you can't put it off any longer, you try to corner Karkat. Ideally somewhere private. The problem is, he's proving incredibly difficult to locate all of a sudden.
"I don't understand it," you complain to Rose. The two of you are sprawled on the floor of her room. You're mostly talking; she's knitting something that looks alarmingly like a squiddle. "It's like every time I see him there's someone else in the room, cramping my style. Or else he's nowhere to be found." Rose hums in agreement. "You have no idea how frustrating this is."
Rose sets aside her knitting and turns to look at you. "Why don't you simply message him?"
"I want to ask him in person." You watch the ceiling fan trace lazy circles on the bedroom ceiling. The floor is really uncomfortable. "It's too important to do over text."
"Hmm." You hear keyboard tapping. You can't see what she's doing from your position on the ground. "I think you should try the third floor auxiliary corridor in about twenty minutes."
You sit up and turn, just quick enough to catch her hide her laptop behind her back. You raise an eyebrow over your shades. "Is that a seer thing or a shenanigans thing."
"Yes." Rose looks extraordinarily pleased with herself.
"Rose."
"Dave."
"Fine!" You throw up your arms, cover your face with both hands. "I give up! It's official. Asking you and Kanaya for help was the worst decision of my life." Rose just smirks and pats your arm. You groan.
You still take her advice, because you're not stupid enough to look a gift horse in the mouth. Hoofbeast. Whatever.
In precisely twenty minutes and thirty-six seconds, Karkat, head buried in a book, nearly bumps into you walking through the third floor auxiliary corridor.
"Fuck!" He rubs at his head. "Shit, sorry Dave. Didn't see you there."
"It's cool." Deep breaths, deep breaths. You're leaning against the wall about mid-way through the hallway. There's no one else around. It's perfect.
"So, Karkat," (good, nice start). "I-I was wondering if you, uh," (wanted to go on a date) "wanted to, um," (go on a date) "e-eat food. With me. On, um, tomorrow."
Nailed it.
Karkat looks at you like you've grown a second head. "Sure, Dave. Won't that conflict with movie night though?"
Oh shit oh shit oh shit you completely forgot that movie night was tomorrow. Oh crap oh crap oh crap- "We'll uh," your throat is dry. "W-we'll watch a movie. A-after. After we eat the food. The food that I made. Am going to make. Yes."
Damn, but you're one smooth operator. He doesn't suspect a thing.
Karkat looks at you. Suspiciously. "Sure, Dave. That's fine by me."
"Great." You turn to leave.
"Wait!" Karkat puts a hand on your shoulder. "You don't have to leave yet. Do you want to hang out or something?"
You almost say yes. It's on the tip of your tongue. But then you remember the list, folded into a square in your pocket, and the string of Christmas lights hidden under your bed. "Nah, man, I've got things to do today. Places to go, people to see, you know how it is. I'm a busy guy."
"Oh," Karkat looks disappointed.
You stick your hands in your hoodie pocket to stop them from shaking. Damn but you're a mess of nerves. "Well, I'm uh, I'm just gonna... go." You pull a hand out to point awkwardly at the door on the other end of the hall. "But I-I'll see you tomorrow! Yes. For dinner." You back up slowly. "Yes. Um. Bye."
You abscond, leaving a mystified Karkat in your wake.
* * *
Thirty minutes later you're in Rose's room, face down and screaming into a pillow. Your ecto-sister pats your hand consolingly.
* * *
After you finish berating yourself for your romantic failings you're ready to move onto step four: preparing for the date.
Terezi, when you tell her about everything, laughs at you. For twenty minutes straight. You're pretty sure she only stops because she needs to breathe. She agrees to help, though, which you appreciate.
She helps you set up. The Mayor is too busy with Can Town and Rose and Kanaya are nowhere to be found. And of course you can't ask Karkat.
You want to make the food yourself, off course, so you're making spaghetti, because you found a cookbook and it looked easy. You'd found said cookbook propping up a table in the library, along with a copy of 'Hoofbeast Pornography Through The Ages' and 'E-Z Dismemberment For Wigglers'. You try not to think about that last one as you're working on the sauce.
Unfortunately, where one scourge sister is the other is sure to follow. Vriska walks in while you're cutting the tomatoes.
"Heeeeeeeey Dave," she says, in that obnoxiously grating voice of hers. You can hear the way she draws out the e's. "What," she looks around the kitchen- there is an open bag of flour dumped on a counter, several hastily alchemized pots and pans, and 'Italian Food For Assholes' is propped up on the counter. Using a smuppet. "...are you doing?"
"Fuck off, Vriska," you say. And then, because you have poor impulse control: "I'm making pasta."
She walks over and sniffs at the tomatoes. "Ick. Plant matter."
You raise an eyebrow. "Do trolls not eat plants?"
"Eh," she waves a hand in a 'sort of' gesture. "Sometimes. Mostly we ate meat. And bread, in grubloaf."
You raise the other eyebrow. Your eyebrows are so high they threaten to waltz right the fuck off your head. "Grubloaf has actual loaf in it? I was under the impression that it was 100% dead babies."
Vriska makes the hand gesture again. "More like 60%?"
Fucking trolls. "Whatever." You go back to chopping the tomatoes. Vriska leans on the opposite counter, a show of nonchalance. You have no idea why she isn't leaving.
"You seem... off, for some reason. Stressed." Vriska declares. "What's up?"
You glare at the tomatoes. "Get bent," you growl. "I'm not gonna give you ammo to use to fuck with me."
"I'm not trying to fuck with you!" Vriska throws up her hands. "Has it ever occurred to you that *maybe* I'm not 100% a bitch all the time?"
You look skeptically at her. You're doing so much eyebrow-raising today, it's insane.
"Okay, fine," Vriska huffs and crosses her arms. "Terezi put me up to this."
"I knew it," you say. "Wait. Terezi?"
Vriska rolls her eyes. "Yes, dumbass. Look, I know the two of you have a "history" or whatever (she makes air quotes with her fingers), but she still cares about you. And, like it or not, I'm not leaving until I get an answer."
How the hell can one troll be so fucking *aggravating* all the time. You grip the knife perhaps slightly harder than necessary. "Fine, you wanna know what's bothering me? I have a date. With *Karkat*. And I don't want to fuck this up but I don't know how to act romantic and what if he doesn't actually like me and what if I make a mistake or act weird or-"
"Woah!" Suddenly, Vriska is there, wrenching the knife out of your grip. You hadn't even registered her moving. You look down. Oh, you think, duly. You've cut yourself.
"Jegus, Strider," says Vriska, ten minutes later. "I've never seen you this anxious about something." You're rifling through the storage room for a box of bandaids. Vriska came along as to "m8ke sure you don't cut yourself on a corner or something like an idiot".
"Yeah well," you say, carefully opening a box of medical supplies. "I like to keep it cool."
She frowns. "This is really messing you up, huh."
"Surprise, surprise." You say, sarcastically. "Dave Strider doesn't know how to romance. Astonishing." You tear into a pack of bandaids.
"Ugh," Vriska flips her hair dramatically. "You don't need to worry. Just be yourself! Karkat would rather you be genuine than try to be something you're not."
You blink. Huh. "That was... actually good advice, Serket. I'm surprised."
"Also, you should wear a pirate costume! Pirates are, like, super hot. I should know!"
"Aaaaand the moment's passed."
* * *
Having finished step four, you spend the rest of the day awkwardly avoiding Karkat. Mostly you hang out with Rose, or Kanaya, or both of them (although then you just feel like an awkward third wheel. Which you kind of are, but.)
You swear you get, like, maybe four hours of sleep. The next day passes in a blur of last-minute preparations and avoiding Karkat. Rose and Kanaya promise to stay out of your way for the evening. You secure Terezi's help in distracting Vriska. The Mayor offers you a comforting thumbs-up and fistbump.
You've arranged to meet Karkat in the common room. You stand in front of your mirror and straighten your tie. You're wearing your new suit, which reminds you of some of the ones your wore on LOHAC. You fret- are you overdressed? Underdressed? You spend like twenty minutes fussing over your hair before giving it up as a lost cause.
You pause before leaving. You take a deep breath. The list is light in your pocket.
Yeah. You got this.