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“I can’t believe you took her to the con.” Jared says knowing that this was going to end in a fight.
The kind of fight he and Jensen had many times since they started being more that just co-stars and friends.
“Dude, she wanted to come.” Jensen says slamming the door to Jared’s hotel room.
Jared’s, not theirs.
“This was supposed to be our time together.” Jared says trying not to raise his voice.
Jensen had promised him. Every time he left his room to answer her call or when Jensen had to bail on Jared because she wanted him to fly over this weekend. Jensen told him, promised him they would have some time together at the cons, just the two of them.
“She’s my girlfriend, Jay. I can’t tell her she can’t come with me to support me.” Jensen says in his reasonable voice, his face red with anger.
Jared crosses the room sitting down on the bed not knowing what else to do with his body. He was furious, he just didn’t know who he was furious with, Jensen or himself.
“You,” Jensen says pointing at Jared, “Have no right to play the jealousy card. In case you haven’t noticed, you’re the other woman!” Jensen yells frustrated.
Jared knows he is frustrated because he isn’t taking part in this conversation, not really listening to Jensen’s reason.
Jared would comment on the fact that he isn’t a woman, not really. But he was to hurt to even notice. It was true, he was the other whatever he was. He was fucking and loving something, someone, that wasn’t his.
It was hard to remember that sometimes. When Jensen took him away to Venice to have a romantic weekend or when Jensen pushes him into his trailer and they make out for as long as Kim would let them.
“I,” Jensen continues, “I cheat on her every time I’m with you.”
Jensen doesn’t need to add the, and it fucking hurts, because Jared knows. He can see it in Jensen eyes right now. He can hear it in the silence that falls every time he tells Jensen he loves him. He can feel it in the way Jensen withdraws from his touches when people are around.
Jared doesn’t need to be told, he knows and it breaks him into little pieces he can’t imagine ever come together again. That is until Jensen kisses him like he is the only thing that matters.
“Then why don’t you stop doing it?” Jared whispers closing his eyes.
He knows the anger on Jensen’s face will break, that it will make way for sadness and desperation as he says these words.
“Jay.”
Jared holds up his hand, doesn’t need Jensen to finish that sentence. Knows what Jensen is going to say, he’s heard it too many times before.
Jensen needs him, loves him, but Jensen also needs and loves Danneel.
“This has got to stop.” Jared whispers like he’s done a million times before, all the anger drained from him.
Jensen sits down next to him and puts a hand on Jared shoulder.
“I never lied to you Jay.”
And wasn’t that the god damned truth. Jensen never lied, never said he was going to leave Danneel, and never said he was going to make Jared happy. And Jared hated it.
Every time he was angry, every time he was getting ready to leave a little voice inside of him came up with the same arguments.
He never lied to you Jared. He never led you on. And when you’re together it’s like you can breathe, you’re not alive when he’s not with you. And he does love you, need you, he just doesn’t know how to show it. Do you really want to walk out and risk not being here when he realizes he wants you and only you?
“No you didn’t” Jared agrees.
His heart feels like it wants to give up. Feels like it’s getting bigger and forcing the air out of his lungs, making it hard for him to breathe. His heart is done; it has had enough of all the aches and cracks and is ready to commit suicide.
His throat is dry and feels swollen. He can’t swallow the emotions, the tears.
He’s beginning to realize that he’s never going to have his happily ever after, not with Jensen. God, how much he loves him, probably always will love Jensen. But this has got to stop. Jared is miserable with Jensen and miserable without him. He just hopes that the latter will fade with time, because he can’t do this anymore. It will be the death of him if he tries. It will break him watching him go back to Danneel every time.
It doesn’t even matter to him anymore that he might choose one day, and that he might be the one he chooses. Because if this is going to take any longer Jared won’t be hole, he will be in pieces unable to be fixed.
Jared looks up at Jensen and the other man just stands there looking patiently, waiting for Jared to cave and give this up argument like he does every time.
And in that moment Jared knows, Jensen is never going to leave Danneel. And he will never be happy not having all of Jensen.
“This has to stop.”
Jensen just looks at him and blinks.
Jared stands up and walks to the door. “See you on set Jen.” And leaves the room.
When he comes home one awkward flight later, he decides that he’s done crying. He packs all of Jensen’s stuff and sends it to Danneel with a card saying: Congratulations on your new home.
Jared sits down and for a long time and tries to remember what his live was like before he met Jensen. Decides it doesn’t matter, it will never be the same. He calls a locksmith and thinks that for the first time in a long time it feels like he can really breathe.