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Neil’s body had always been seen as a map by everyone around him, ever since he was a baby with barely visible freckles, moles and a tiny birthmark on the back of his right thigh. It’d taken a darker turn years later when his father had decided he had to keep working and reworking the canvas until it was perfect. The marks were supposed to remind him to behave and just like in any other map they came with a story behind, words to remember, a destination. That destination however, was as far from Nathan as he could get.
Neil didn’t remember a time when he wasn’t covered in scars but he remembered new ones. Bullet wounds, cuts, all the times he’d scraped his knees, cigarette burns, scratches and so on. His mother hadn’t meant to.
Carving a stone takes time, just like writing a map does. It took 19 years for people to finish marking Neil Abram Josten, but the actual marks would never go away.
Andrew’s marks were different. They were his but they belonged to a number of different people at the same time. Andrew’d turned his world upside down and worked the canvas from within with his own shaky hands.
The fact that they were both marked by harsh and angry lines and ambiguous shapes made it easier to hold onto one another when it seemed as if they had no air to breathe. Neil kept trying to get his breathing even, but it seemed impossible. It kept sounding shaky, becoming faster and faster every time he let another moan out involuntarily. It felt like swimming in warm water and forgetting you were supposed to breathe, forgetting all of your senses and focusing on just one thing that kept you alive.
Andrew’s arm around his waist had kept him grounded and steady because his legs just couldn’t do the job and now he was the one keeping him in place. Andrew’s hands were on his on his own hips, keeping him still and pressing his own body against the wall, but it felt as if Andrew was keeping him in place instead. It seemed like he was the one being taken apart in the way Andrew drew soothing circles on the backs of his hands with his thumbs whenever Neil moaned around him.
Neil was lost on the warmth and sweat of Andrew’s hands, on the pressure on his knees and the way his muscles burned from keeping his arms in the same position for too long. He was burning from within, his hips canting and the taste of Andrew on his tongue making him get lost in sensation.
Andrew’s panting brought him back again. His jaw hurt a little but he kept his eyes closed as he bobbed his head and sucked, knowing Andrew was close.
It had taken them such a long time to get there, for Neil to learn the way Andrew reacted to being touched and how he looked when he was about to come. He wasn’t loud at all, and his hands were steady but his breathing caught in his throat for a second right before he came on Neil’s face. He let out a heavy sigh afterward, he always did, and then dragged his thumb across the bridge of Neil’s nose and his cheekbone until he looked a little bit less filthy and wrecked.
Neil cleaned his chin covered in spit with the back of his hand and Andrew finally let go of his other hand. He sighed contentedly.
“’Kay, so now you can go to class” Neil said hoarsely and smiled to himself.
“Fucking junkie” Andrew answered, his hand cradling Neil’s face as he nodded. Neil kept his hands to himself as he stood.
His classes had been cancelled for the day and he’d been working on organising his schedule so he’d have enough time to talk with the sophomores. His responsibilities as a Captain were a lot and they included caring about his teammates whether he liked them or not, which meant he didn’t have a lot of time to waste, really. An off day didn’t mean much when he still had material to review, games to analyse, and teammates to scowl at, and then there was Andrew who was about to graduate and didn’t have much time either. Thing was, they never had time to do much together, they couldn’t exactly spend a weekend without homework to be done or something dramatic happening in the team, and there was also Kevin who respected their privacy, sure, but also made them work a lot and never let them just take a nap on the sofa or eat gross food in the quiet of their room.
In other words, Neil was getting needy and Andrew could see that. He was probably experiencing the same thing one way or another but Andrew didn’t talk about it. It’d taken him years to feel comfortable with Neil touching him and he wasn’t always okay with it either, but his reassuring touches and kisses made Neil feel fine about the pace they were going at. Andrew kissed him goodbye before closing the door to their bathroom behind him.
The fluorescent lights in the room made him feel as if it was early, as if he was getting back from a run, the same kind of adrenaline and sensations going through him. His legs burnt just the same from trying to keep himself steady on his knees in front of Andrew.
The pressure of his own hard on was still there, but he didn’t want to deal with it if Andrew wasn’t there. Neil still saw masturbation as something he’d rather do in front of Andrew instead of just something he had to do in order to deal with an erection. It’d go away eventually, he thought. The fact was that he’d gotten Andrew off and he hadn’t seemed uncomfortable afterward which made him feel quite content. They were getting there, and it mattered so much.
Andrew and Neil were getting better at touching each other casually without being bothered by it. They’d never get to the point where they’d just hold hands in public without being conscious of it, or spoon without talking about it first. It was slow but the fact that they shared a room and sometimes a bed made it easier.
Ever since Neil had started accepting he wasn’t always fine being touched he felt better. He knew Andrew sometimes liked to just hold his hand and feel his warmth, feel his scars, and the dry skin of his palms. It helped that they were able to remember each other’s body with their eyes closed, Neil, mainly by being allowed to look but not touch and Andrew merely by having to make sure it was Neil when he pressed him into the mattress with a hand on his chest. Andrew’s kisses were always intense and aggressive, but the way he touched Neil’s torso, feeling each of his ribs, tickling him lightly felt like the softest thing Neil’d ever experienced.
Sometimes when they had time during the weekends Kevin stayed at Wymack’s they took a few hours to sleep in -not quite, Neil woke Andrew up when he left for his morning run, but always got back into bed after a shower-. Neil never actually managed to fall asleep again but after Andrew gave him a sleepy look he always managed to feel relaxed enough to stay still and quiet next to him in the tiny bunk.
Andrew was right, he sort of liked staring at him, but there was something about Andrew that made him unable to stop wanting to look at him. It wasn’t about how soft he looked in his sleep and Neil knew he wasn’t exactly relaxed either, he didn’t know why but Andrew seemed to be untouchable even when he was asleep, not like something destructive, but like an art piece.
Andrew let him do it only for a few seconds after he woke up, reaching for his wrist to pull him a bit closer without their chests touching even when the mattress was too small. He liked squeezing Neil’s wrist and feeling his pulse but Neil thought it was just to annoy him. This time when Andrew did it Neil tensed and he let go without a word.
“What’s on your mind?” He asked as soon as he put his hand back under his pillow.
“It’s nothing” Neil whispered. His voice sounded too loud to Andrew’s ears which meant Neil was definitely as tense as Andrew’d taught. Andrew hummed in response and the silence that filled the room for a few seconds was too heavy for it to be meaningless. It was then interrupted by Kevin looking for something in the kitchen, “Kevin’s here anyway, he could walk in and...”
“What is it?”
Neil swallowed, “I wanna have sex” He bit his lip and waited for Andrew to say something. This wasn’t like the whole thing was supposed to go according to all the pop culture Allison and Matt’d managed to get into his exhausted and confused brain. Andrew didn’t say a word. He exhaled and continued, “I know we’re kinda having sex but just wanted to let you know I’m okay with that”
Andrew closed his eyes again, shifted a little to be more comfortable and reached for Neil’s wrist again. This time Neil didn’t pull away.
Andrew didn’t bring it up but it wasn’t really surprising and, honestly, Neil had wanted to talk about it to avoid the guilt that’d overcome Andrew at some point whether he wanted to have that conversation or not. As long as he was open to listen, which he always was, in a way, Neil would get to him.
Three weeks later Kevin left to spend the weekend at his father’s. He’d been a little too stressed apparently to submit himself to yet more stress, he said, except they’d had a couple of years to work through it and it was going fine. At least Kevin had interrupted Neil’s thoughts with Exy during those three weeks.
Neil didn’t particularly enjoy thinking about sex when it made him question whether he was being understanding or just an asshole. Andrew hadn’t said a word which was fine, really, but according to Bee communication was vital.
Andrew didn’t exactly want to talk about it either. It didn’t make him uncomfortable, not at all, but he’d rather listen and talk only when Bee told him they’d get there if they wanted.
The problem was Andrew did want to get there but he wasn’t sure how he was supposed to feel about it. The idea made him feel a little out of control, per se, but he was willing to try when he felt ready. The fact that they were alone made it easier to come to terms with his thoughts. Everything was pretty much silent and Neil was out on his run with Robin so it gave him time to think carefully.
The smell of Neil’s deodorant mixed with his sweat distracted him when he finally came back into their room. Andrew nodded acknowledging his presence but didn’t say anything else as Neil padded toward the bathroom.
When Andrew heard the water hitting the tiles of the shower from outside he knocked on the door. He heard Neil reaching for the curtain and pulling it open as he got into the shower.
“Yeah?” He asked in a loud voice. Neil always sounded a little bit more relaxed after his morning runs.
“I want to, later” Andrew said and for a minute, while he waited for an answer, he forgot Neil’s train of thought was very different from his, “What we talked about” His heart was beating fast, it was too loud and it made him a little angry. He wasn’t used to those kind of reactions and it was stupid to try when he still felt unsure but fuck, it was just that saying it out loud was different from considering it.
“’Kay” Neil answered, trying to be heard over the sound of the water again. Even his voice seemed too loud all of a sudden. He made sure he had his cigarettes and a lighter in his pocket before heading to the roof.
When he came back the tip of his nose was red and his cheeks too. His hands were freezing but Neil didn’t complain when Andrew hooked his fingers on the neck of his shirt to bring him closer, “Yes or no?” He asked and this time it felt different, more intense than usual and full of emotion, somehow.
In contrast, Neil’s lips on his made him feel like he was where he belonged even when PSU didn’t mean much to him. It had nothing to do with the place itself, the room they shared or their belongings, it was all about how warm and alive the soft and hot drag of Neil’s lips made him feel. Neil’d learned to take, take, take, and he was unstoppable when Andrew let him do it, but he liked giving in return whatever he could too.
He cradled his face, kept the tips of his fingers pressed onto his cold skin and gently eased his tongue into his mouth, moaning contentedly when Andrew lightly bit him.
Andrew settled his hands on Neil’s hips and squeezed lightly, feelings Neil’s lips fall open to ask if he could touch. Neil was always slow when he touched him, moving his hands tentatively over his neck and shoulders, making sure it was fine. Andrew’d learned to stop tensing at the feeling of his fingers grasping the fabric of his shirt and pulling him closer.
The movement of their lips was slow, still coordinated as their tongues met gently. The urgency was still there, but it manifested itself in a different way. Andrew’s teeth still bit down on Neil’s tongue and lower lip until he gasped. Andrew gave him a chaste kiss afterwards before parting. Neil leaned into him, their foreheads touching while he breathed in.
Andrew brought his hands to his waist, once again pressing his fingers into Neil’s bones, counting in his head until he got to his chest and settled on a particularly jagged scar, lightly scratching the numb skin.
“Andrew” Neil whispered. It wasn’t supposed to mean anything, but Andrew liked the sound of his name coming from Neil as much as it made Neil feel real, “Let me take it off” He added a second later, referring to his bunched up t shirt.
They were in a quite uncomfortable position, both of them on their knees on Andrew’s tiny mattress, keeping themselves upright just by holding onto each other.
Neil pulled back for a minute but Andrew didn’t let go of him automatically. Instead, he helped him out of his shirt and quickly placed his hands back on his hips, keeping him in place.
“Let me take yours off too” Neil said. It wasn’t demanding, and Andrew didn’t have any complaint about being touched above the hips most of the time, so he let Neil’s fingers hook under his shirt and pull it upwards. Neil’s hair looked messy and Andrew was sure his did too but it didn’t matter because Neil was letting himself down onto the mattress on his back, pulling Andrew down with him.
He huffed when Andrew straddled his thighs and guided his hands to the back of his head. He stopped before they reached his hair, though.
“You okay?”
Andrew rolled his eyes at him and tugged at the fabric of his armbands. He took his own off afterwards.
Neil relaxed visibly under him but tensed again when Andrew rubbed both of his palms over his nipples. His chest wasn’t particularly sensitive because of the amount of scars he had there, but it felt nice when Andrew teased him, pinching his nipples and scratching them when they were hard.
Neil’s hands came to rest on Andrew’s biceps, feeling the muscles and holding onto him desperately for a second. Andrew wasn’t even touching him and Neil felt like he wanted to be consumed by what they had.
“Yes or no?” Neil asked and Andrew nodded before Neil shifted on the bed so he’d be able to kiss Andrew’s neck. He couldn’t leave marks but that didn’t mean Andrew didn’t want to feel the graze of his teeth on sensitive skin.
Andrew shifted again on top of him, making Neil huff out a complaint before he continued nipping at his neck. The weight of Neil’s body was resting half on his hips and half on Andrew’s thigh, so Andrew pressed forward, trapping Neil’s cock underneath his own weight, and then pulled back trying to establish a rhythm and build pressure.
Neil hissed, almost having forgotten how much he’d wanted Andrew to touch him just minutes ago and trying to focus his attention on him again. He rested his hands on Andrew’s lower back, pulling him closer and rocking against his thigh urgently before Andrew pushed him down onto the mattress again.
“Shit” Andrew cursed under his breath.
Neil could feel him everywhere, his hands moving quickly all over his torso and his arms. The rocking of his hips probably didn’t feel as good to him as it felt to Neil, but the urge to be closer didn’t leave him, “Take em off” Andrew said.
Neil groaned in response and he kept still waiting for Andrew to sit back on his folded legs. He was glad to get rid of his sweatpants and underwear but he needed to feel Andrew too.
“Fuck” Andrew whispered, palming his own erection through his sweatpants. They were uncomfortably tight but Andrew didn’t feel comfortable getting off unless he was giving Neil some attention first, somehow.
“That’s what we’re trying to do, Andrew” Neil said with a teasing smile. He’d learned to tease, the fucker, which was definitely a problem, “Come here”
“Don’t tell me what to do”
Neil snorted in response and waited for Andrew to lay on the bed next to him, that way Neil knew it was easy for Andrew to wrap his hand around his cock and still feel some amount of friction himself without feeling conflicted about it.
Andrew was never slow, he took his time in different ways, but never with Neil. It was addicting to hear his soft moans and see his furrowed brow when it was too much . His hand on him was steady and despite how obvious it was he needed lube to make it easier, he kept going for a little while, catching beads of pre-come with his thumb and spreading it all over the length of Neil’s cock.
Neil’s legs trembled but he kept himself as still as he could. He wanted to fuck Andrew’s fist, fuck, he wanted Andrew to fuck him.
“Can you--?” He started and cut himself off with a moan when Andrew shifted closer to him and gripped him tighter in his hand, “Can you finger me?”
They’d done this before, it was safe territory, but Neil could never stop shaking and smiling to himself whenever he reached for the lube.
Andrew gripped his thigh and lifted his leg a little, giving him easy access to his entrance. It was easy for them, Neil always feeling needy, waiting for it. Whenever he heard Andrew uncap the bottle of lube and waited a few seconds for him to work the lube over his fingers he got the need to be filled up and clenched on nothing.
Andrew’s fingers wrapped around his cock again, the lube, though a bit cold, made his strokes even better. He moved his own hand toward his cock, guiding Andrew’s movements into a slow rhythm.
“Andrew” Neil said, looking into Andrew’s eyes and seeing nothing but the same kind of need he felt whenever Andrew touched him. Andrew’s free hand was back on Neil’s thigh, this time sloppy and wet with lube, waiting for Neil to say something, “Fuck, Andrew, come on”
“Don’t be so fucking needy”
There were a lot of sentimental things to do and say in that very moment, Neil thought, but it felt so foreign to him to hold onto Andrew to relax or whatever. His presence was all he needed and his hands felt like they were burning him in such a ridiculous pleasant way.
Neil felt Andrew’s fingers on his perineum first, before he traced his rim with his middle finger and gently massaged the skin. Neil’s breathing hitched and both his and Andrew’s hands on his cock stopped. Neil curled his fingers around the back of Andrew’s neck when he pressed a little.
After circling his hole for a few seconds Andrew leaned in for a kiss. There was something particularly special and valuable about the way Neil always interrupted their kisses with an almost relieved sigh when the first finger went in. He liked how much he could feel even when it was only up to the first knuckle, and Andrew knew exactly what to do just by looking at his expression, so instead of reaching for his cock again he grasped his hips and encouraged him to move a little.
Neil struggled to limit the way his hips rocked against Andrew’s hands when he started working him open. His thighs were getting sticky because of the lube and the movement of Andrew’s hand, adding pressure instead of going in all the way and pulling out after adding a second finger.
“Fu-uck, Andrew” He gasped.
Neil reached for his cock again, catching as much pre-come as he could to help his strokes and Andrew started scissoring him open. He’d already managed to stain the sheets with pre-come and a part of Andrew’s sweatpants but fuck it, Andrew’s fingers inside him felt too good to keep still. It wasn’t until he brushed against Neil’s prostate with the tips of his fingers though, that Andrew let himself grunt and press a sloppy kiss to Neil’s open mouth.
Neil choked on a moan and let Andrew’s tongue soothe him before his own strokes distracted him again. Andrew could feel him shaking and kept aiming at his prostate with every thrust of his fingers. Neil closed his eyes and whispered his name in a quiet plead before pressing his lips into a tight line.
“Are you gonna come?”
“Fuck, Andrew. Another” He mumbled, his lips shiny with spit and his eyes glassy once he opened them again.
Andrew considered before continuing. Neil was trying to keep his strokes slow and controlled but if Andrew kept building up the pressure within him he’d probably come anyway. More than anything, Andrew wanted to take him apart and see him let go.
“I want you to come first” Andrew said, loud and clear. Neil whimpered and let his head fall onto the pillow in frustration.
He didn’t feel as full as he would’ve liked but the stretch was enough to make him want moremoremore. Andrew knew him too well and knew exactly how to take him apart. His thrusts were quick and deep, and he curled his fingers just a little coaxing little soft whimpers from Neil.
He couldn’t fucking feel his legs but Andrew’s touch reminded him to focus. He breathed in and out to keep himself from coming even as he felt his cock pulse in his hand.
“Are you gonna come now?” Andrew asked again and Neil swallowed a moan as he nodded almost desperately. Andrew stopped the thrust of his fingers, instead guiding Neil to ride them however he could while he kept a steady kind of pressure on his prostate with the curl of his fingers.
Neil could barely keep a steady rhythm, mouth open and almost choking on every moan and gasp, “Don’t stop” Andrew said when it became too hard for Neil to stroke himself and ride Andrew’s fingers at the same time.
His toes curled and Andrew could feel him clenching around his fingers before Neil cried out as he came all over his hand and Andrew’s sweatpants.
“Fuck, jesus, fuck” Neil sighed into his pillow.
Andrew didn’t pull his fingers out right away, instead he pressed a chaste kiss to Neil’s sweaty forehead. He let go of Neil’s leg and withdrew his fingers slowly, cleaning them on his clothes before Neil opened his eyes and kissed him hot and dirty, still panting.
“Turn around” Andrew demanded after a few kisses and Neil quickly complied. He pushed both his sweatpants and his boxers down his hips and thighs and sighed shakily. Neil handled him the lube and Andrew closed his eyes as soon as he touched himself. Neil opened his legs thinking of getting as comfortable as he could on his side, but Andrew stopped him gripping his thigh again, “’M not gonna fuck your ass” He whispered, lips grazing Neil’s spine as he gripped himself again, this time with a nice amount of lube on his fingers. With his other hand he reached for Neil’s cock, and started stroking lazily.
Neil was completely relaxed now, his brain empty and his entire body still tingling from sensation. He panted with Andrew’s hand massaging him slowly. It didn’t take much for him to get hard again with the press of Andrew’s erection against his ass too.
“Keep your legs together” Andrew said before reaching for the lube again. He gripped himself as Neil got comfortable and inhaled the familiar scent of Neil, their bed sheets, his come, him. He guided his cock between Neil’s thighs, letting another shaky breath out as their bodies were pressed flush together.
Neil moaned when he felt the press of Andrew’s cock against his skin and the sloppiness of his thighs.
Andrew rocked forward, tentatively at first, trying to find a comfortable angle to make his thrusts smoother and so he could reach Neil’s cock.
Neil could feel the warmth and hardness of Andrew’s cock on his balls and cheeks every time Andrew thrust. He wasn’t there, for a minute in his head he’d been consumed by Andrew and how much he needed him. Fuck, it felt amazing to feel his arms around him, one of his hands palming at his stomach to find the familiar ruined skin while his other hand stroked him.
He kept his thighs locked tight together around Andrew’s cock, angling his hips and pushing back against him and then thrusting into his fist. Andrew’s hips were quick, nothing like his fingers, and for a second Neil got why Andrew had a hard time thinking of being actually inside of him.
Andrew’s thrusts became slow grinding and his harsh breathing grunts as he held him closer with the hand on his stomach.
“Are you close?” Andrew asked. Neil was trying hard to focus on clamping his thighs together but it was clear to both of them how close he was when Andrew brought his hand to his chest and rolled one of his nipples between his fingers and Neil tensed even more. He gasped in response.
Andrew stilled behind him again and resumed rocking slowly as he came between his thighs, face pressed to Neil’s back. Neil felt hot and sticky all over and it took only a few strokes for him to come all over Andrew’s hand, this time.
Neil turned around as soon as he came to himself in his post orgasmic bliss and nuzzled the skin of the crook of Andrew’s neck, “You cheated”
“You’re still a junkie” He teased and reached for Neil’s wrist to pull him closer and squeezed. Neil didn’t pull away.