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I have time.
The irony of those words would ring in Shepard's ears for the rest of her life.
The commander sat on the edge of her bed, elbows propped on her knees and hands supporting the face currently buried in it. There was nothing that could possibly console her, nothing to help quell the endless stream of tears running down her scarred face- nothing but the sheer pain of her loss was present in the moment.
For once, she was letting herself go. The deep, glowing scars across her cheeks were a constant reminder of the commander's stonewalled heart, her no-bullshit attitude, and strong-willed nature. She tried to separate her emotions from her work, confiding in her squadmates rarely. It was for the best, she told herself. Where there are feelings, there is weakness- and that weakness could cost them the war.
The drell had been no exception, at first. Shepard kept their conversations straight and to the point, sometimes blatantly disagreeing with him. And then he told her about Irikah. Sunset eyes, defiant in the scope. How he'd all but abandoned her and his son, and wanted to atone.
And he did.
Shepard couldn't pinpoint the moment she fell for Thane. Suddenly, she found herself making excuses to visit him in life support, taking him on every mission. She loved watching him work- the grace that rippled across every muscle in his body was intoxicating. Their talks became longer and more in-depth, and she began to drop hints about her attraction. Even Kasumi had commented on their infatuation.
But he was dying. She knew this. Everything about their relationship sent up warning signals in her mind. Still, they persisted. Day by day, mission after mission, she was falling for him. And finally, the night before the suicide mission, he came to her. Vulnerable, dying, afraid. In that moment, he was everything she tried to push away in herself, yet she comforted him. Wanted him to stay, asked him to be alive with her.
In the aftermath, as she lay pressed against his sweat-drenched chest, fear of the mission finally sunk in. For the first time, she was truly apprehensive and all too aware of their odds. More than anything, she didn't want to lose him... not preemptively.
And somehow, they all survived. The Collector base was in ruins, the crew had been saved, and she'd promptly told the Illusive Man to shove it.
“Now what, Siha?” He had asked as they lay exhausted in Shepard's bed. She hadn't answered, only pressed herself closer to him. She didn't want to answer.
In the remaining time they had on the Normandy, between goodbyes of teammates and other unfinished business, the lovers were insatiable in their need for each other. Joker was quick to wittily comment on how little they saw of the commander or the drell, but there was an unspoken understanding between them and the rest of the crew. Kepral's was not an unforgotten illness.
On their last night together, he recounted their first.
Soft fingers fumble their way around my clothing. Her skin is pale, riddled with scars. She is beautiful. Her lips are soft around me, the moans from them... exhilarating. She asks me to 'ravage her,' my Siha is unleashed. Our bodies intertwine, our sex is rough and carnal. She says the hallucinogens are heightening the sensations. It is long before I finish, and after she is still craving more. This time is slower- I enjoy this more. She meets me with every thrust, whispers my name. When we are spent, I tell her I lov-
“Shepard?” There was a knock at the door, and the commander pulled herself out of memories to answer.
“Yeah?” Her voice broke as she quickly tried to mask her crying, the door opening to reveal Garrus.
“Mind if I come in? I thought... Well, all of us thought you might want to talk about what happened.” Shepard wiped her eyes and nodded, motioning him over to the couch. The turian sat down, waiting for her to join before speaking again. “I won't stay long, Shepard. I know it's hard right now.”
The commander sighed, leaning back into the cushions and crossing her arms. “I'm fine, Garrus. You know I don't like to talk about these things.”
“And that's exactly why I'm here. Listen, Shepard, this is something you can't just bottle up inside. It'll kill you. You've done too much for me and the rest of the crew for us to sit by while you grieve.”
“I... appreciate it.”
“Shepard, I promise you we're going to find that son of a bitch and end him painfully. Thane's death was in no way your fault.”
Shepard shook her head. “No. It's goddamn Cerberus's fault. It's the goddamn Reapers' fault. Avenging his death isn't what I'm worried about.” She bit her lip, trying to calm the shudders in her chest. “I try so hard not to break down, Garrus. I'm stronger than this. But, Thane... I couldn't help myself. I shouldn't be in this position. I shouldn't have fallen in love with a man that was already dying, I-”
“With all due respect, Commander, shut the hell up.” Garrus sat forward, staring intently at her. “I've been with you from the beginning. You never give yourself a moment of peace or time to breathe. Tali, Liara, myself- we've all watched you do the impossible and not think twice. There are things you've done that most people would be wrecked over. It's time to let yourself grieve, Shepard.” He reached out, touching her shoulder and squeezing softly.
The commander's lips fell open as she quivered, softly at first, but progressed into full-blown sobs. Garrus moved in and held her comfortingly, staying reverently silent. Shepard was like a sister to him, and after everything she'd help him bring closure to, this was the absolute least he could do for her.
A few minutes later, Shepard had exhaustively cried herself to sleep on the couch. The turian gathered her in his arms and placed her on the bed, strategically laying a datapad down beside her.
-
Shepard groggily opened her eyes, instantly feeling the remnant sting of tears on her now puffy cheeks. The last thing she remembered was Garrus coming in and-
The reality of Thane's death shook her once more.
Curling back up into the sheets, the commander noticed a datapad beside her, and picked it up with shaking hands. There was a new message, the subject 'Never Lose Hope.'
Siha-
I write this with a heavy hand...
Slowly, she read through the message, taking her time, never wanting to reach the bottom. Certain phrases choked her, Nothing remained but a shell destined to die. When she forced herself to finish and read the final words, her eyes darted back to the top to read it again. You awoke me, Shepard. As she read and re-read the letter, the commander felt herself becoming human again. Though tears streamed down her face and her body quivered, her heart was strengthening. I love you. If all else whispers back into the tide, know this for fact.
Slowly the commander stood up, ignoring her aching body, reaching for her uniform.
I will await you across the sea.