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Eren Jaeger had no delusions about how difficult enlisting in the Scouting Legion would be. He had known from the start, since before he could remember, that the Scouting Legion was where foolish and brave men went to die.
He had one vague half-memory of blood-stained lumps concealed by otherwise disturbingly white sheets thumping around the back of carts being carried by the grimy, mud-caked horses of the scouts as they returned from another mission beyond the wall. His shadowy recollection ended with him asking his mother what happened, and his mother picking him up and turning him away from the sight. Eren sometimes wondered if this were a manufactured memory, something he had dreamt about, or something he had heard about and his infantile mind had contrived an image to go along with it.
It was the bodies that had always stuck out to Eren in the memory. The army of living marched in time, all looking at the back of their horse's neck, all baring the same haunted face. They were dark. They blended into one another. One large, despairing cloud of men and women, all with the same story of anguish and loss. But the bodies, they were vivid, bright. Each crimson blemish across the white stretch of fabric presented a different story, entirely unknowable. Eren’s imagination provided the details. This one died bravely, caught by a titan just as they went to strike it down. That one had a small daughter waiting somewhere in the crowd for news she wouldn’t understand. The details of their deaths gave them new life. They were real, visceral. The members of the Scouting Legion left living were all the same, all shrouded in the same indistinct, nameless agony of failure and hopelessness.
It wasn’t until after Eren had joined the Scouting Legion that he began to realize that the pain of living was more agonizing than any imagined history.
It wasn’t until he had felt so much despair, so much agony and loss, and anger, oh God, the pure hatred, that he wished he could purge all of his emotions that he had understood. He would easily give up a lifetime of potential happiness if it meant he didn’t have to feel each death, each loss, still as painful as the moment they had happened, a dozen strikes across his face, into the gut, the groin, all simultaneous and constant. At first he had thought, naively, that the pain would eventually dull together and fade – what a childish thing to believe. After weeks of suffering, he realized he had to find a way to cope. He took his cue from Levi.
Captain Levi’s cold demeanor had led Eren to believe that, perhaps, he could elect not to feel, that just maybe, it was possible to overcome the pain. Levi, who had experienced countless losses under his own command, and who never seemed to break in the most painful of moments, must know how to alleviate some of Eren’s pain.
It took some degree of mental preparation for Eren to find the courage to approach Levi about this. While the two had been working together for a while now, he didn’t think they were anywhere near the territory of “friends”. It was during his internal deliberation that he realized he had no clue as to the nature of their relationship, really. After a particularly heated debate with his mirror, however, he decided that they were close enough that it wouldn’t seem too strange for Eren to approach him and ask for unsolicited advice.
Gathering himself, Eren made his way out of his room. It was dark out, but still too early for his dear Captain to have fallen asleep. He would be asleep soon, though, and it would be rude to awaken him for such a silly question. Eren’s step became more resolute with each movement he made, until finally he was outside of Captain Levi’s quarters. Where he immediately turned around.
What a stupid thing, to ask for emotional counsel from Captain Levi of the Scouting Legion. Eren was being a child. He had chosen this life, he had known all along that it would be painful. And wasn’t it worth it, to at least try and eradicate the titan threat? Was it? Eren paused, stopping himself from slumping against the walls of the tidy hallway of HQ. Could he really rationalize his own agony as being for the greater good? Could he get by on the insignificant near-satisfaction that came from knowing that he was at least trying to help? He sat himself down slowly, a meter or so away from Levi’s door and put his hands to his face. He was unsurprised to find his cheeks wet with tears. In his childhood, crying had been the ultimate sign of weakness, and this weakness seemed to follow him even into his own young adulthood. He did not remember the last time he had gone a night without shedding a tear. He gathered the hem of his shirt and rubbed it against his face, trying to dry the tears, though he knew they were still flowing. The rough fabric made his cheeks raw. He was almost glad to feel the burn. Anything to distract him. He quieted himself. He knew that there were people trying to sleep in this hall and he would rather not be yelled at for his weakness.
After a moment of quiet, steady breath, that he heard a noise from Levi’s room. A quiet cough, like he was choking, maybe. Eren’s eyebrows knitted together and he threw his face into the sleeve of his nightshirt to wipe it clean once more. Blinking quickly to clear his vision, he focused in on Levi’s door, listening harder. He heard another quiet noise, not immediately discernible. What was he doing? Eren propped himself up as quietly as he could, steadying himself with a hand against the wall. His bare feet whispered as they ghosted the few steps down to Levi’s door.
He placed a palm upon the face of the door as the other wrapped itself around the doorknob. He turned it slowly, automatically. He placed his face flush against the doorjamb where a slit of moonlight was peeking into the hallway.
Levi was facing away from the door, and hadn’t seemed to notice Eren’s presence yet. Levi’s arms were rigid, braced against the base of the open window where he was doubled over, making small noises. Eren saw a sharp glint falling through the moonlight and it hit him. Levi was crying. Captain Levi of the scouting legion was crying.
Eren choked on his own tears as they began falling with earnest. Levi was crying. There was no way, then. If Levi, the strongest of all of them, could not handle his pain, it was all for nothing.
Suddenly, Eren was being hoisted up and dragged into Levi’s room. Levi slammed him into the wall, holding Eren in place by the front of his shirt. Eren closed his eyes tight, trying to clear them from the tears and now the dizziness that had come from hitting his head. He looked at Levi. Any trace of sadness was gone, replaced by the icy ire that Eren was well used to seeing grace his Captain’s face by now. Levi’s face was inches from his as he began to speak. It came out as a near whisper.
“How long were you watching?”
“I-I wasn’t- only for a moment, sir. I had come to ask for advice.” Eren reeled in his panic, putting on his platoon face, despite the tears he could still not keep in. Levi stared at him for a moment before he took a step back, releasing Eren’s shirt with a sigh.
“Okay.” Levi said. Eren waited, but Levi said nothing more.
“Sir?” Eren asked.
“What sort of advice were you hoping to get from me in the middle of the night? Something important, I hope. Most of the members of this hall are asleep.” Levi paced away, back to his former position at the window, this time his hands were crossed behind his back, dignified and strong.
“I was, uh. I was wondering, before I saw you- before I came in, I was wondering how you… cope. With all of this.” Eren felt stupid. He’d made a huge mistake in coming down here. He’d never felt more childish. Levi’s face turned so Eren could just see the edge of his profile in the moonlight.
“Elaborate.” Eren’s eyes widened momentarily, amazed that he’d gotten this far. He cleared his throat.
“I just- It hurts. It hurts so bad, without ever stopping, all of it. Every death I’ve seen is still rattling around in my head and I can’t do anything but feel. And I was hoping that you, because your demeanor is always so collected, that you would know what I can do to stop it.” Eren was staring at the back of Levi’s head, willing him to look Eren in the eye for one goddamn conversation.
“You can’t stop it.”
“You- what?” Eren blanched.
“You cannot force yourself to stop feeling, Eren. You saw me a moment ago. Pain is necessary.” Levi was speaking so quietly that Eren almost couldn’t hear him.
“Why, though? Why is it necessary?” Eren asked, the volume in his voice rising with anger.
“To remind us of what it means to be alive.” Levi said, as though that answered Eren’s question. Eren was only growing more frustrated.
“Why should I even bother, then? If this pain and rage and is all there is, why bother?”
“Because you have to.” Levi was standing perfectly still, not moving from his position staring out of the window. Eren’s anger was growing.
“So what am I supposed to do, then?” Levi paused for a moment before answering.
“You cope.” Eren suppressed a growl. Levi was just messing with him.
“How.” It came out as a demand, not a question. Finally, Levi turned to look at Eren, his face tinged with an emotion that Eren couldn’t identify, his usual cold, unfeeling demeanor entirely absent.
“You survive.” Levi began stepping forward as he spoke. “You will cope, Eren. You will soldier on, or you will die.” Each word had brought him closer to Eren, until they finally met. Levi put his hands on Eren’s shoulders, and Eren could see the shine of tears beginning to form at the corners of Levi’s eyes, and for the first time, Eren saw tears not as a sign of weakness, but as a mark of strength. Eren grit his teeth and nodded once, sharply.
Eren would survive.