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The only time Castiel can let himself fall is when Dean holds him close. However, this is in no way as romantic as it sounds. It is brutal and rough and sharp nails and teeth on oversensitive skin when Dean drags the former angel into their cabin for a fuck. All the time he feels like he is about to crash and burn and no drug in this world can ease the pain but Dean. Cas shivers in anticipation as the other man gets him out of his clothes, movements impatient, fingers tugging and ripping the fabric of his shirt.
Cas knows that Dean is just as desperate as he is and that pressing him into the mattress or against the wall or into whatever is at hand silences the whispers of guilt and doubt inside of Dean's head. They never talked about this but Cas just /knows/. He might have lost his power but he can still hear Dean's soul sing sometimes, touching what has once been Cas' grace and now is only a hole in his being.
His shirt flies to the ground and the way Dean looks over his bare chest and stomach is still enough to give him goosebumps. Castiel leans forward and steals a soft and tender kiss from Dean's lips just to be gripped tight and shoved against the wall of the cabin in response. Right, Cas reminds himself, affection is forbidden. Dean kisses Cas back. His lips are messy, scratching not only Cas' mouth but also the stubbles around it. Their teeth collide painfully and Cas whines but Dean does not let go. Instead he bites down hard at Cas' lower lip until they both taste blood.
"Dean, I..."
"Shut up"
They get out of the rest of their clothes as quick as they can, numbing the pain with every rough touch and locking every thought about reality out of their cabin. The moment they are both naked Dean grinds against Castiel and presses his back into the wall. Cas' skin rubs over the uneven surface with every roll of Dean's hips and it hurts but it offers Cas something to let himself fall into as well. They are both hard already and Cas can't wait. He wants Dean inside him. He /needs/ Dean inside him to shut down even the smallest rest of self-doubt and guilt that eats him from the inside.
As though Dean has heard his thoughts he grips him by the arms, turns him around and pushes him towards the bed with so much force that Cas falls down to the mattress the moment his legs get in contact with the wooden frame. A sharp pain shoots through his body and he moans, face buried in the bedsheet.
Dean is over him within split seconds and the familiar clicking noise with which he opens the bottle of lube they keep safe in the nightstand's drawer makes Cas freeze for a moment. When the hell did he get that? Maybe Cas has lain sprawled out here longer than he had thought. His perception of reality is still clouded by the aftermath of his last high and as long as Dean is not touching him he feels like he is falling into an endless black hole opening inside of himself.
The slap to his ass comes so unexpected that Cas cries out in surprise. His cock twitches and his whole body goes with the motion.
"Get onto the bed properly" Dean commands. His voice is deep and demanding and Cas would be damned if he did not obey. So he does. He gets up on his knees and hands and crawls to the middle of the queen-size bed. Dean follows him and the next thing Cas feels is one of Dean's hands on his hip and the other one on his ass. There is no hesitation before he slides one lubed up finger into Cas and Cas' eyes go wide at the sharp pain. As always Dean uses enough lube to make it work but not enough to not make it painful and Cas still does not know if he does this to save up the valuable creme or because he just enjoys Cas shifting under him uncomfortably. But then he cannot get himself to care either. Dean pushes in a second finger and now the pain is mixed with pleasure, forcing Cas to gasp and moan Dean's name and "Oh God, yes. Dean, fuck, yes." Dean makes a sudden twisting move with his fingers before he spreads them apart slightly, opening Cas up just wide enough to take him in. His eyes are watering, there are tears stinging in his eyes and then Dean replaces his fingers with his cock and Cas cannot even say when this happens but suddenly, with one slow but forceful thrust of Dean's hips, Cas is filled up and finally -fucking finally- he feels whole again. It is like he has found the missing part that has been ripped out of him long time ago. Having Dean so close feels like he has found his grace again, his cause, the meaning of his life.
Castiel cries. The tears are rolling down his face. It is not because of the pain. It does not really hurt him. It feels fucking good. This is his reward, his punishment for failing on the only tasks that had been of any importance: Protecting Dean. Saving the world. Setting things in heaven right. He is useless, his existence pointless and with every deep thrust Dean offers him salvation. At least for the moment. Castiel knows that letting the hunter use him is the only way he can ever get close to the man he loves with his whole heart- goddammit, with his whole existence.
Dean groans above him and Cas answers with a choking "Dean" pressed through grinding teeth and shaking lips.
He cries because he can. He finally can. He screams out all the emotions that have piled up inside him and that he can only express when he is with Dean. Maybe a genuine embrace and a soft kiss to his temple would do the same but he knows that he will never get this. Not from the broken and empty shell Dean has become. He does not care that half of the camp can hear him. The sounds he makes do not sound like sex and they all know that the two of them are fucking on a regular basis anyway. Dean sounds like sex, though. He groans and pants, voice muffled and some of the noises he makes sound like he is on the edge of crying but Cas does not dare to turn around and look at him. He does not dare to spend one thought on what might be going on in Dean's head. Then Cas can feel Dean's hand wrap around his cock and the sensation wipes his mind blank. There is nothing more than lust pumping through his veins as Dean fucks him hard and rough and Cas cannot even gather enough coherency in his thoughts to be thankful.
Cas can feel his orgasm build up in his gut. His breath is short, loud and heavy and he presses his face into the ruffled bedsheet to hold in a series of curses and blasphemy that really no-one in this camp should hear from their spiritual leader. Not even Dean.
Dean comes with a choking cry and a throaty "Castiel" on his lips and it is the sound of his own full name that sends the former angel right over the edge with him. Dean pulls himself out of Cas while he is still soaking the bedsheet with his juices. Cas' cock twitches almost longingly when Dean retreats completely and stands up from the bed. Cas babbles through the rest of the aftershock, words that sound like "Dean" and "God" and "Thank you".
However, the soothing bliss does not last long. The emptiness finds its way back into Castiel's heart when he hears how Dean is putting his clothes on again without saying a word. Cas is still panting and gasping and it takes him all his strength and willpower to lift himself up on his forearms and looks at Dean's face that is still flushed with heat. Cas wants to reach out, wants to pull Dean back to him on the bed. He wants to wrap his arms around the hunter and nuzzle his face into his neck. He wants to just lie here with the only person he has ever loved but the indifferent expression on Dean's face nips the required movement in the bud.
"I want you at the camp-meeting in 30 minutes" is everything Dean says before he turns around and leaves the cabin without looking back once. A hysterical feeling spread to Castiel's body and the former angel does not know whether to laugh or cry.