Chapter Text
"No." Raven said looking at the piece of paper in her hands with disbelief.
Lexa sat hunched over at the kitchen table with her head in her hands and just nodded, defeated.
"How is this even possible?" Raven threw the paper down, fury building in her stomach, "You've lived here for like-"
"10 years," Lexa said, rubbing her eyes with the heels of her palms.
"10 years! How the fuck can they do this to you?!"
"Apparently inheriting property from my dead parents and working in Germany for 9 months is enough for the government to think I've 'abandoned my U.S. residence'" Lexa said, letting out a dry, humorless laugh, still trying to process everything.
Ten years. Ten years Lexa had spent building a life for herself in this country. She came here to escape her empty, inherited house in Stuttgart, she earned her Bachelors, and PhD here, she reconnected with her remaining living relatives here. There is nothing left for her in Germany but reminders of a life she can never know again. She leaves the U.S. for a few months for some Postdoc work and now she has to give it all up. Fucking incredible. Einfach unglaublich.
Lexa sat back in her chair and stared at the ceiling, feeling her resolve begin to crumble.
"How the hell am I going to afford this place with you gone?" Raven asked as she plopped down across from Lexa at the table.
"I'm glad to know that's your primary concern."
"I can't do Craigslist again, I won't."
"You found me on Craigslist."
"Yeah and look where that got me!" Raven exclaimed, "Deported! Un-fucking-believable."
Lexa grunted in agreement.
At that moment, Raven's best friend Clarke walked in the front door.
"Honey, I'm home!" She called into the apartment, she could be heard taking off her coat and kicking off her shoes.
Clarke often stopped by unannounced after work in an effort to avoid being at her own apartment at the same time as her roommate, whom Lexa knew only as 'Satan'.
"In the kitchen," Raven yelled.
"I brought beer-" Clarke froze in the doorway when she saw the two downtrodden faces at the table, "Shit who died?"
Raven said nothing but got up to grab a six pack from Clarke's hands, cracking one open and taking a long swig.
"That bad, huh?" Clarke grabbed a beer for herself and walked over to lean on the table. She took a sip and looked expectantly between the two sullen faces, "You at least going to tell me what's got you two looking like someone just kicked your puppy?"
"I'm getting deported," Lexa said quietly.
"What?" Clarke's eyes widened as she looked between the other two women.
"Deported!" Raven burst suddenly, dramatically slamming her beer onto the table, "Ousted, dunzo, evicted. The gov'ment is sending her back to the old country."
Lexa groaned and grabbed a beer for herself, downing half in one long gulp.
"You've lived here forever, though. Don't you have a green card?"
"Not anymore," Lexa mused, swishing her beer around before taking another drink.
"This one over here just had to go around inheriting half of Germany and denouncing the constitution," Raven gestured at Lexa, exasperated, "Burning American flags, purchasing Nazi paraphernalia,"
Clarke quirked her eyebrow at Lexa, "Nazi paraphernalia?"
Lexa rolled her eyes, waving off Raven's hysterics, "In order to maintain U.S. residency, I have to reduce ties to my home country," she explained, "In the last year, I lived and worked in Germany for too long. I should have known better," she muttered the last part, bringing the bottle back to her lips.
"That's fucking bullshit, Lex, I'm sorry," Clarke consoled, patting the brunette on the shoulder.
"What about me? What am I supposed to do?" Raven interjected, "At least she has a place to live back in the motherland, I'm going to be out on my ass without a roommate!"
"Don't be such a drama queen, Ray, you could always move back in with Bell and Miller," Clarke offered.
"Don't you dare" Raven leveled the blond with a glare, "My fratboy days are over."
Clarke simply shrugged, "Well my lease is up in May, I'll move in with you. Lord knows I need to get away from Satan anyway. It'll be fun, like in college,"
Raven scoffed, chucking a napkin across the table at her, "Sorry Clarkey, but you couldn't afford these digs."
She looked utterly offended.
"What? Yes I could, how much is it a month?"
"$2600 plus utilities," Lexa chimed in, cracking open another beer.
"Each?!" her eyes widened, "Fuck I'm out."
Raven groaned and lowered her head to the table.
"Too bad you don't have any anchor babies," Clarke mused.
That at least made Lexa chuckle. Suddenly Raven's head shot up from the table, looking crazed.
"That's it!" She exclaimed, "Clarke, you're a genius!"
Lexa's eyes widened in surprise, "What's it? I am not getting pregnant."
Clarke let out a howl at the horrified look on Lexa's face, "Raven, when two women love each other very much..."
"No no, not the baby part, but an anchor wife! You just need to get married!" Raven was nearly out of her chair with excitement.
"Married," Lexa repeated, incredulous.
"Yes, married," Raven sat back and smugly crossed her arms across her chest, "We just need to find you a wife." Like it was the simplest thing in the world.
"Okay, Reyes, I think you've had enough to drink," Lexa got up from the table, clearing the array of bottles that had accumulated.
"I'm serious, Woods!"
Lexa rolled her eyes as she dumped the bottles into the recycling bin.
"That actually might not be a bad idea. It worked in The Proposal," Clarke offered.
Lexa turned suddenly to the blonde, shooting her a disbelieving look. "You can't be serious. How do you suggest I find a wife in time for the hearing in.." she picked up the offending piece of paper and squinted at it, "a month?"
"Mail order, Tinder, Craigslist, random proposals on the street," Raven listed, "Oh! Roadtrip to Vegas!"
"No, no, stop. It'd never work," she tried to reason, waving her off, "I haven't even been with anyone since Costia. If I haven't found a girlfriend in the last four years, I definitely won't find a wife in four weeks. I'm just going to have to bite the bullet and go back."
She let out a long sigh, sitting back down in defeat.
"Damn, Woods, it's been that long? Your game is weak," Raven took another swig, "You really are fucked."
Lexa rubbed her face with her hands. She couldn't believe this was really happening. Her whole life was here now. She'll have to give up her job, her friends, all of her living family, her apartment-
"I'll do it."
It was so casual, like offering to take out the trash. Both Lexa and Raven looked up in surprise at the blonde.
"What?" Clarke shrugged.
"What? No, absolutely n-"
"YES!" Raven yelled, her eyes lighting up with glee, "It's perfect! Yes!"
"Are you accepting a proposal for me?" Lexa asked the crazed girl across from her.
"Are you joking Woods?" Raven asked, incredulous, "Griffin is smoking hot, not a complete stranger, at least like 35% sane, and offering to be your fake wife. This is a golden offer!"
"Thank you, Raven." Clarke said smugly, "Come on, Commander, wanna get hitched?"
She winked at Lexa, who gaped between her two friends like they had suddenly grown four heads, "Are you guys insane?"
Raven leaned eagerly across the table, "Lexa, think about it: You'll get to stay in the U.S, I get to keep this beautiful roof over my head, and as a bonus, you get to tell people you married that hot piece of ass," she gestured at Clarke who finished off a bottle of beer and shot them a brilliant smile.
"Win-win."
"Yeah, and what do you get out of it?" Lexa asked the glassy eyed blonde.
"I get to piss off my mother and move out of my shit hole apartment in East Harlem," she replied easily.
Raven was nodding vigorously, "See? Win-win."
Lexa looked between the other two women, trying to determine if they were serious or just drunk. Or worse, both.
"Lexa, this could actually work. Hear me out," Raven gave her a serious look, "You and Clarke have already known each other for a few years, so it wouldn't be like starting from scratch. We'll just act like you guys have been together for a while, post some more pictures of you guys out and about and bam! Marital bliss. The government will never know the difference."
Lexa bit her lip in contemplation. Could this actually work? She couldn't believe she was really considering this.
"If I agree to this," she started, Raven's face lighting up already, "I said IF," Raven schooled her expression and bid her continue, "I want to ensure everyone is benefiting equally from this arrangement."
She turned to look Clarke directly in the eyes, "If you are serious about doing this for me, I want there to be terms to our agreement," the blonde nodded, "This will not be easy."
Raven observed the two in front of her anxiously, sitting on the edge of her seat.
Clarke grabbed the empty bottle in front of her and started tearing at the label, "Like I said Woods, if you can get a rise out of my mom and my ass out of Harlem, I'm yours."
Raven was bouncing in her chair now. Lexa regarded the blonde seriously before speaking again, "Before we go making any kind of agreement, I want you to sleep on it and we'll renegotiate terms in the morning."
Ignoring her, Clarke suddenly stood up and got down on one knee in front of Lexa, "Alexandrea the Great Woods, would you do me the honor marrying me and getting my ass south of 135th street?"
Lexa gawked between the tiny shred of IPA label tied into a makeshift ring and the kneeling drunk girl holding it out to her.
"Clarke, this would not be some willy-nilly game of playing marriage for a few days, you realize you are offering to legally marry me, right?"
"Yup."
"And if we get caught lying, we could go to jail."
"Mhmm," Clarke's face remained unfazed, though she swayed a little in her kneeling position.
"I'm still going to ask you again in the morning, because you are drunk," and because she didn't want to get her hopes up that this could really work.
"Are you going to answer the question or not, Lex, I'm too old to kneel for this long."
Lexa's skeptical face was only betrayed by the slight quirk in the corner of her mouth, "My middle name is Hida, by the way, you should probably know that."
"Is that a yes, Woods?"
Lexa smiled, rolling her eyes and gave Clarke her hand.
"Oh lordy lord, looks like we got ourselves a weddin'!" Raven whooped, running into the kitchen as Clarke slipped the paper ring on her finger (after missing a few times).
Raven reemerged with a bottle of cheap champagne left over from New Years and for the first time since receiving that letter, Lexa let herself relax. Maybe things were actually going to be okay.