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– Eight o’clock, darling. I promise.
I laughed against the phone, because of the tone he had used to enunciate that sentence. Ben could be ridiculously charming without even trying, so when he actually did try it was hard to be mad at him for long. And though I couldn’t even see his face, by that point in the conversation I was already melting.
– Alright, alright… – I replied, trying to sound indifferent. – I’m just saying, I’m free from five on.
– Oh, I know you are – he cried in his smooth voice – But there’s nothing I can do, really.
– At least we’ll have a nice dinner together, since I’ll have time to set up something rather fanciful – I lingered against the table in front of me with a smile.
– For any reason in particular?
– Not really… Just for the love… and hunger – I joked, making him laugh.
– Well, I’ll look forward to it! Love you, dear.
– Love you too – I declared before hanging up, turning back to my task on the computer.
After lunch, I went down to a park just outside the city for the fashion session I’d been hired for. Some people from the magazine were already there, and I soon got comfortable since I’d already worked with them many times before. My assistant and I set up the equipment and tested the light, moving on to taking some shots from the model in her first outfit.
– Alright, now move your hip a bit over to the side – I motioned towards the tall brunette, who was professional enough to make our session move faster than I was expecting. I looked up from the frame and smiled at her. – Alright, I think I’ve got enough for now.
– Alright, everyone, let’s take five! – the magazine editor announced, leading the model for her outfit change – Sarah, over here please.
– Darling, are you alright? – My assistant asked while I sat down as someone who just ran a marathon. I’d been feeling more tired than usual that day, and it wasn’t just my desire to see Ben soon that had me urging to run out of there.
– Not really, I feel like crap.
– Well, you look quite awful – he retorted with a concerned look.
– Wow, thanks Fe! – I looked over to him, rolling my eyes.
– Sorry, sweetie – he smiled and put his hand over my leg – I thought you were over this cold.
– I am, this is something else – I cradled my head in my hand, supporting the arm in the chair.
– Alright, gimme the symptoms – he leaned back in his chair.
– Um… I feel a bit woozy, I’ve got this mild headache since yesterday, I’m nauseous…
– Let me think – he looked up with a thoughtful look and I couldn’t help but laughing.
– What, you a doctor now?
– No… – he looked cleverly at me and smiled – But my sister’s a gynaecologist.
– Yeah, so? – I narrowed my eyebrows at him, really not realizing what he meant.
– Are you… late? – Felix pronounced it emphatically so I would finally get it, and I could see he was holding back an eye roll for my tardiness. But then it hit me fast, and became so blatant I wanted to slap myself in the face.
Could I be pregnant?
I couldn’t even process that information, because if I did I’d start unravelling about all that it would lead to. I thought about Ben. I thought about me with a huge bump, just smiling goofily. God, why was my mind so imaginative? I constantly had to shut it down so it wouldn’t end up all going into overload and collapsing.
– I… Um… – I started out, uncertain, after staring at Felix for probably an entire minute.
– You could be – he smiled sweetly, then leaned forward and kissed me in the cheek. – Promise I’ll be the first one to know the results?
– Yes… No! – I shook my head and looked at him, approaching this in a fun manner so I wouldn’t get all philosophic about it – Ben will be the first to know.
– Even if it’s no?
My smile wore down immediately. What if it was no? I’d only been thinking about the possibility for a couple of minutes and yet I would feel disappointed. And then I realized it. What about the one who had been thinking about it for years now? That had been dying to be a father, and showed it every chance he had? Maybe I shouldn’t tell him if it was no.
– If it’s no, I’ll tell you first. Now bugger off – I tapped him lightly in the shoulder and stood up, shaking the thought away as I observed Sarah walking back.
Surprisingly, everything was wrapped up within an hour. The sun still beamed bright as Felix helped me load the car with our stuff, and soon the park was left empty once again.
– Stop it! I don’t want to think about that now! – I hissed as I drove Felix home.
– What? I’m just saying! You’ll have to think about it some when! – he replied, keeping silence for about another minute. He straightened himself up then, pointing at a pharmacy to our right, just after the traffic light. – Oh, can you stop by, please? I need some headache pills.
– Sure – I pulled over by the sidewalk, and Felix popped out.
For the three minutes he spent inside, I caught myself thinking about it again. I soon switched my thoughts for Benedict, though. This wasn’t exactly about the baby. I thought of how much I loved him, and how even so this was a scarily huge step. I’d never given it serious thought by then, and now it could be actually happening. Even if this was stomach flu, my future with Ben was all I could think about now.
The click of the door opening brought me back, and I watched as Felix settled himself down and started removing something from the bag. When he stretched his arm and handed me a pregnancy test, I rolled my eyes probably more intensively than necessary.
– You’re joking – I uttered as I got back on the road and turned right.
– No, I’m not! You’re going home, taking this test, and calling me.
I had no response for that, since it really was what should be done. I was in denial, I guess, but I needed to face it and, to be honest, better sooner than later. Felix noticed my expression grow softer and opened up a smile, kissing my cheek goodbye, as he always did.
– See you on Saturday, sunshine – he smiled once more and I returned this time, waving as he walked away.
After driving for another five minutes or so, I realised I was close to the studio where Ben was filming at, so I decided to give his publicist a call, wanting to make a surprise.
– Oh, hey K! – I answered as he picked up.
– Hey! Everything alright?
– Sure! Listen, I just got off from work and I’m close to the studio, are you guys still there?
– Um, we’re actually at a location, but I can text you the address, I’m sure you can watch something…
– Really? That’d be great! Thank you! – I thanked him and smiled, hanging up.
After checking the address, which was a street corner not far from where I was, I turned back on the street and drove off. In about twenty minutes, I arrived at a closed dead-end street. Karon, Ben’s publicist, met me there and led me inside, and after talking to the director, I was allowed to catch a glimpse of a scene being shot. I took a few more steps and instantly smiled when seeing the scene appeared to be Ben and Martin talking at a small pizzeria.
Karon gave me a chair to sit on and I thanked him, observing from a distance as the scene was shot. I kept smiling at how beautifully Ben and Martin were able to get into character, which was something I could see even from that distance and hearing no conversation whatsoever. For about the next ten minutes, the two seemed to engage in a serious-toned conversation, which was no surprise to me.
After that, the scene was cut and they were granted a mere five-minute break. Ben opened up a smile when walking out and noticing me, picking up the pace as I stood up to meet him.
– Hey, you – he wrapped his hands around my waist and I smiled largely before his soft lips met mine.
– Hey – I replied as our faces were still inches away – Liked the surprise?
– Couldn’t have gotten a better one – he let out a quick laugh. My happy countenance wore down ever so slightly at that, considering I could – literally – be carrying an unaccountably bigger surprise at that moment. I then shook my head and with it the thoughts away. – Finished work early, then?
– Yes! Everyone was really prepared and helpful, seemed like a conspiracy for me to see you for a few minutes…
– But you know I’m coming back right? – Ben frowned and looked at his watch – And sooner than later, at that.
– Yeah – I instinctively closed my eyes and nestled in his chest, feeling his warm embrace and his musky scent for the last few seconds we’d have until later on. – I just wanted all the time I could get. And it was really great to see you in action. Not literally, but still…
Ben laughed at that, and so did I then, cuddling up a bit tighter as he fondled my hair. Moments like these were my favourite kind. I was never such a fan of huge, spectacle moments, those enormous and public manifestations of affection. The simpler the better, Ben always said. Our happiest memories were silly things like these: cuddling during a work break, kissing after a long day, running from the rain, having dinner at home…
– You know you can’t tell anyone about what you saw – Ben faked a serious tone, and I looked up at him.
– You’re talking as if I actually had caught something. Sherlock and John talking at a pizzeria? I’m pretty sure even the paparazzi know more than me – I smiled coyly.
– Well, of all people I know, darling, you’re about the most anxious one for news of season three – he smiled dearly, clipping my hair behind my ear.
– Only because you won’t tell me anything!
– Oh, but they’d have me killed within a day…
– Then maybe I can wait a bit longer – I smiled back, leaning in for another kiss.
And after that, our cute little moment was over. I said goodbye to Ben and Karon, quickly waved at Martin and some other people in the crew I was familiar with, and made my way back to the car. I then simply ignored the small white box resting in the passenger’s seat up until when I parked and undid my belt. Then, as if someone else entirely had taken control of my body, I grabbed the test and ran inside my house.
There was no more lying to myself that I didn’t care about the result, or that I didn’t need to know it right away. I could barely assimilate all I was doing, it was merely automatic. I engaged in a series of rapidly concluded activities and my heart was racing for that. Then, time stopped.
Now I had to wait an entire minute.
A million things went through my head, and I just wanted to shut the thoughts. Leaving the plastic stick over the counter, I stormed out, looking for things to do. Checking my phone: too fast. Dinner: too long. Maybe dinner was a good option though. I’d just advance a part of it and be back to the bathroom for results.
I had decided to make a recipe my mom had thought me of lentil rice with fried onions, and also chips and a roasted chicken. After setting up the rice ingredients and putting together a salad, I put the chicken on the oven and decided I’d fry the chips whenever Ben got home.
I though around five minutes would’ve gone by, but it was just over two. I walked slowly to the bathroom, as that dying rush seemed to have completely left me by then, and when entering the bathroom, I immediately sat down and closed my eyes. Never thought I’d need courage for this moment. But I did, and I forced myself to have it, and I internally screamed at me to just open my eyes and look at that bloody thing, because it wasn’t that big of a deal. And then I opened my eyes, and the first thing my sight rested on was… Positive.
Suddenly, it was a big deal again. I felt astonished, shocked, emotional, overwhelmed, and so ridiculously-over-the-top-didn’t-even-know-I-wanted-it-this-much happy.
And then I felt… Benedict.
I was actually scared of what his reaction would be. For the year and so that I knew him, he had mentioned children dozens of times. He never pressured me or anything, but I knew he wanted to be a father as soon as possible. Hell, he even talked openly about it in interviews. And then I started crying. Not for being scared or sad any way, but for how overwhelming that I was. Not so long ago I was just a random photographer who ran around London and repeated a mediocre routine, and now… Now I was giving the greatest gift to my favourite person in the world. Something he’s wanted all his life now is happening, and I’m part of it. My mind spun at how many lifelong dreams were coming true because of that plastic stick.
It was a good ten minutes of crying, but then I needed to get my mind off of it, or it would explode. I left the test where it was after staring at it for another few seconds – long enough that the image would be printed in my mind for a long time – and went to check on dinner. As it all seemed to be in order, I sat down at the living room sofa, and for some reason lowered my head down to the edge.
I didn’t even know I was tired enough to take a nap, but it was then and some, since I woke up with a sound coming from the kitchen. My eyes opened up slowly, and so I sat down and watched as the tall figure made its way towards me. I threw my head back as he walked around the couch and sat down by my side.
– Don’t worry, dinner’s just fine – Benedict crossed an arm behind my neck and the other around my waist, bringing himself closer – Tiring day?
– Little bit – I smiled and leaned in for a kiss.
Past a minute of cuddling, Ben now rested his head in the back of the couch, with a pensive look. I was apprehensive to see his usual smile being toned down, as especially that night I’d need him to be in his best mood.
– Are you alright? – I ruffled his hair sweetly as he looked over at the ceiling.
– I am. Just a bit tired.
– Oh, I know honey. You’ve been having quite a busy routine these past few months, haven’t you?
– Well, it’s not that, really. I mean, work does make me tired sometimes, but it’s also fulfilling. It just… Doesn’t fill up my whole life, I feel. Sometimes I feel I’m meant to be doing more than this. I mean, I’m not getting any younger…
I knew what he was talking about. It was fairly obvious, even if the subject hadn’t been playing in my mind for the past few hours. I was suddenly taken by surprise for what a coincidence that was that he was mentioning it, but also started feeling nervous. And also immensely happy, for I was about to undo all his deceptive feelings. I found myself being crushed by an overload of feelings, and tears started to roll down past my control.
– Oh, honey… – When Ben looked at me for a response, he caught my watery face and melted down, thinking it’d been his fault – I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you!
– No, it’s not that – I formed strength to enunciate in a firm enough manner that would assure him I wasn’t offended, not denying however the hand he brought to my face in order to wipe off the tears. He looked at me dearly and opened the hint of a smile, twitching his eyebrows to the realization that I understood what he had meant. But the happiness in his eyes couldn’t quite hide the anguish hidden behind them. It never had been able to, for all the times where children were a subject, or a presence around us. But now I could finally take that away. – Ben, I’m…
That’s it. This is the moment. I didn’t at all feel ready to tell him, but on another hand, he was the father and had just as much right to know he had created a life. Moreover, the news were the single thing I could thing about, and every nerve in me now screamed that I needed to blur that out.
– Ben… – I took a deep breath, observing his eyebrows grow some concern, then held his hands and looked deep into his eyes. That made it slightly scarier, but it was like an adventure, one I just needed to embark on. – I’m pregnant.
His eyes widened as I saw his expression be completely washed away. It was like all emotions had escaped his body, as he faced me in complete shock. His lips cracked opened, in a yet failed attempt to express a reaction, while I couldn’t do anything myself. We just paused in that moment, taking it all in and updating our brains.
– Are you serious?
It was practically a whisper, and I couldn’t help but breath out a silent laugh at his choice of words. I then opened up a wide smile and leaned forward.
– Of course I am.
– I… – Benedict loosened my hand to ruffle his hair with it, and then closed his eyes. I could tell it was all too much for him as well, so much he needed to cradle his head in his hand, beginning again in his most lovely voice. – Do you know how long I’ve waited to hear that?
– Yes, I do, my love – I passed my hand down his shoulder in a caring way. – And now you did.
– And yet it doesn’t feel real – he looked back up with the most honest grin, pausing his sight at my stomach, and then looking up to my eyes – Are you, really…?
I took yet another deep breath, which I’d been finding very helpful through all of that, and placed one hand on the side of his face, smiling widely.
– You are going to be a father, Benedict.
In the next second, I found myself caught in a hug so tight I was actually scared for my health. We couldn’t say more words, we could only feel them. We could only feel each other’s embrace and know we were wanting to utter out the same things. So we just stood there, the house deadly quiet, the smell of dinner invading the living room, the two still bodies wrapped up in one.
Moments like these were my favourite kind.