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The dreams were becoming more and more frequent. He tried to ignore them, to move on, he really did, but they were always there. Always repeating, bringing his worst fears to the surface. Failing everyone in the Video Game, seeing them die over and over again. Or transforming into a werewolf permanently and turning against his friends.
Sleeping wasn’t on the table that night. Not after tossing and turning for hours, falling asleep a couple of times, only to be jolted awake by another nightmare. He waited a few minutes for his breathing to return to normal and to stop trembling, then he got up and went to the bathroom. He washed his face with cold water and looked in the mirror. “These are just dreams. They don’t mean anything.” he tried to convince himself.
Ezekiel stepped out of his apartment, enjoying the cool breeze, letting the darkness envelope him. He was heading to the only place that always welcomed him, which invited him in, despite the things he’d done.
The short walk calmed his nerves just enough to pick the lock on the Annex’s side entrance. How many times had he told Jenkins that anyone with a bit of sleight of hand could enter the building without any difficulties?
He ascended the stairs, stopping on the second floor. Leaving more shelves behind than he could count and taking several turns, Ezekiel arrived in a small room. The dim light revealed a couch and a coffee table. On the table a steaming mug and a book awaited him. Sighing, Ezekiel approached the center of the room.
Shortly after he settled down on the couch, mug in one hand, book in the other, someone knocked lightly on the door.
“Looks like I’m not the only one not getting any sleep tonight. Mind if I join you?”
“Colonel, what brings you around here at this ungodly hour?” Ezekiel tried and failed miserably to act casual.
"My apartment's too empty." shrugged Eve as she walked over to the couch, taking a seat next to Ezekiel. "What about you? I thought you guys would be knocked out after today’s mission."
"Yeah, well, the others probably are."
"Still, here you are, reading a book. Ezekiel Jones, reading. What's wrong?"
"I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be?" replied the thief a bit too quickly.
Eve looked at him incredulously.
"The only thing you have ever openly admitted is that you don't lie. Don't start it now, because you're terrible at it."
"I'm not lying!" he tried to keep up the act.
It took Eve one eyebrow-raise to break his resistance.
“I might have had a nightmare.” admitted the thief quietly, returning to his book.
Eve watched him carefully, trying to decipher what had upset him so badly.
“Want to talk about it?”
“No.”
They sat in silence for quite a while, Ezekiel pretending to read, deliberately avoiding the Guardian’s gaze. Eve was keeping a close eye on him, knowing Ezekiel far too well to push him. He’ll come around eventually, she thought.
And she was right.
“Stop looking at me that way! I’m trying to read here.” He sounded irritated.
“You’ve been staring at the same page for more than half an hour. What’s bothering you?”
“What’s bothering me? You’re asking what is bothering me?” he raised his voice but still avoided her gaze. “You almost died today! You almost died and I didn’t do anything to prevent it!”
“Ezekiel…” she trailed off when he turned his back to her. She knew how close the Reaper had been and that both Librarians offered to take her place, but she never suspected that Ezekiel would take it the hardest. “Ezekiel, you wanted to do something and that’s what matters.” She tried to console him.
“No! You don’t understand! I’ve seen you die so many times, without any real consequences and it still gives me nightmares! Today it could have been for real.” His voice was unusually tight and he still had his back towards her. “We could’ve lost you! I could’ve lost you.” The last part was barely audible.
So he does remember, was the first thought that came to Eve’s mind, quickly followed by Oh, my God and Why did he deny it for so long?
Silence surrounded them again, Ezekiel refusing to speak up again, afraid of Baird’s reaction. He didn’t intend to let anyone know about the Video Game, not wanting them to treat him any differently. Yet here he was, spilling his fears out to Eve, who definitely had enough problems on her own, not needing to worry about him too.
Which was exactly what she had been doing in the past minutes. She had never seen the youngest Librarian behave so impulsively before. He always had his emotions under control, never showing more than a flash of affection towards his teammates, never admitting how much he needed them. She knew how to handle Cassandra when she freaked out, or calm down Jacob, if a mission hit too close to home, but Ezekiel always took care of himself. Or at least he pretended to.
Slowly, Eve reached out and placed her hand on his shoulder. First, he shrugged, hoping the hand would fall, but soon stopped, finding it comforting.
“Ezekiel-” she started to say, but was cut off by him.
“I never do enough. I want to, honestly, but I’m just not good enough. I got you killed more times than I can remember. I even let Stone step on a taser tile once, knowing full well that it would electrocute him! What kind of friend does that? What would have happened, if Jenkins hadn’t found me in time in that Super Collider Facility? I would have turned into a werewolf! I could have hurt some of the crew! Or one of you! And today? I attacked you! My… our Guardian! I knew you wouldn’t harm us, but I believed in a vision more than I did in my judgment! What kind of Librarian am I? What kind of person am I?” he spoke rapidly and bitterly, slowing down towards the end, his voice turning remorseful, gradually quieting down.
Eve remained in the same position, not saying a word, waiting for Ezekiel to compose himself, before she reached out with her other hand, gently turning him around. He still wasn’t looking her in the eyes, so she hooked her fingers under his chin, lifting his head up, forcing him to do so. It took him a few moments to hold her gaze. Only then did she begin:
“Ezekiel, listen to me. You are good enough. You have never purposefully hurt us. The werewolf incident? It should have affected you a lot sooner, but you fought against it, then used it to our advantage to help the others shut down the rift, risking your life! Today? You offered to take my place, to die instead of me. The prophecy made me and Stone irrational too, you weren’t the only one wielding deadly weapons. You want to hear my opinion about the Video Game? You were a hero. You went through it God knows how many times, either dying or seeing one of us die. You locked us in a closet to keep us safe, until you learned all the tricks and challenges. I’ve seen you in the last loop, how determined you were to get us out of there. I’ve seen your hand too, with the burn marks. You know the story about the two colonels and the soldiers crossing the river. You know who were the bravest. You definitely were one of them. And the end of the Game? You gave your life to get the rest of us to safety. You did it without a second thought. You gave your life for us! Don’t you dare tell me that you don’t do enough. And one day you will be comfortable enough to tell us what’s bothering you, knowing that we care about you very much and want the best for you.” She managed to keep her voice stable throughout her speech, looking at Ezekiel the same way she did when she told him the story about the soldiers.
“You really mean all of this?” he asked, eyes wide.
“Of course I do,” replied Eve, smiling. “I wouldn’t have said it otherwise. Look, I want you to know that whatever happens, you can talk to me. I’m your Guardian, it’s my job to make sure you feel safe.”
Ezekiel nodded slowly, relaxing visibly.
“Thank you, Colonel. I guess I really needed to hear this.” a smile started to form on his lips.
“Glad you listened.” She sounded genuinely relieved. “Now, it seems like we won’t be getting any sleep, it’s almost dawn. How about some breakfast?” she added after glancing at her watch.
“If you’re buying.” Grinned Ezekiel. “I want French toast. With whipped cream. And coffee.”
“Lots of coffee.” Agreed Eve.
“Alright, Guardian, lead the way.” exclaimed Ezekiel.
Then he added more quietly,
“Thank you.”