Chapter Text
“You guys make it so hard to be your friend.” Remus sighed but didn’t stop walking, his wand held high in his hand.
“Oh relax, everything is going to be fine.” James chuckled at his friend. On one side, he had Peter bouncing happily, excited to break yet another rule, and on the other he had Remus that was so anxious over being caught outside the rules he couldn’t even enjoy what Sirius and James had planned for him. One would expect that over the years Remus would have gotten used to his friends’ love for trouble, but apparently he had not.
“We’re on our way to Hogsmead on a Thursday night, using a secret passage we shouldn’t even know of.” Remus pointed out to one of his best friends, the one that could be the most annoying when he tried really hard. “Did you know I am the Prefect? I could get in serious trouble. We could all get in serious trouble!”
"And that’s why we need you! So you can get us out of the trouble if it ever comes!" Sirius said, a grin on his face, clapping his hands on Remus’ shoulders almost poking his wand on the other’s eye. Remus huffed and swatted his wand away, grumbling something about not wanting to get blind either from being impaled from his eye or from Sirius’ weak Lumos Charm.
"Besides the first full moon of the school year is almost here, you need some butterbeer in you." James said with a grin.
“Oh do I? I think you want some butterbeer and you’re using your werewolf friend as a poor excuse!”
Peter chuckled. “Come on, Remus. If you didn’t want to come you didn’t have to.”
“As if you guys would ever let me stay in my warm bed.”
“Fair point.” Peter nodded. “But as I remember you actually agreed to come this time, we didn’t have to drag you, so your point is invalid.”
“What can I say? Remus here can’t resist my good charms” Sirius said with a smirk, winking at a quickly flushing Remus Lupin.
“You flatter yourself too much.” Remus said, trying to mask the blush on his face by scratching the edge of one of his scars, taking his hand away quite quickly anyway as the skin was still too sensitive.
The boys soon went silent once the passage turned from a wet dark cave to a stoned one. Just a few minutes later they were in the basement of Honeydukes and James was pulling out his invisibility cloak. Remus sighed a bit, he had always wondered how such an object ended up in the hands of someone who got himself in so much trouble regularly, it was like the universe was asking James Potter to do even worse.
“We cannot fit all under there.” Remus said.
“I know, I am going to check if Ambrosius is anywhere in sight, if everything is clear we can make way to the pub.” James said.
“The Three Broomsticks?” Peter asked hopefully.
Remus glanced at him like he had grown a second head. “Do you have a death wish? Do you want to be expelled? Of course not The Three Broomsticks! Hogs Head, like usual!” Remus whispered back at Peter.
Peter huffed. “The Three Broomsticks would be nice for a change.” he mumbled.
“Madame Rosmerta will be there when we next come here…” Sirius rolled his eyes fondly at his friend. “Until then you have to deal with Abe’s ugly face.”
Remus turned to tell James they should just go back to the castle but his friend was long gone. They were on their second week at Hogwarts and not only they had a lot of work already - O.W.L. year was unforgiving and then all the professors suddenly remembered they had all these things from previous years they had to make sure all the students remembered - but also Remus had to get his work ahead, the full moon was in exactly nine days and his transformations were taking more and more of him every month that passed. Remus could feel the werewolf getting stronger every full moon, to the point Slughorn’s potion was doing less and less every month, maybe he just had to up the dosage, but he didn’t want to without speaking with the professor first, until then he had to fight harder to keep some of his conscious during his transformation, just that enough bit that helped him not stretch his mind to absolute bestiality, keeping him just on the edge.
After a minute or so James came back, telling them the coast was clear. The four boys left Honeydukes and made their way, silently and carefully, to the Hog’s Head. It was a wonder Aberforth wasn’t completely done with them yet. James grinned widely when he saw lights inside and knocked at the door.
They all heard a groan coming from inside and soon the door creaked open, blue eyes staring at them. James, Sirius and Peter broke into wide, not even slightly innocent, grins and Aberforth just rolled his eyes. “Got dragged again, eh?” He asked Remus as he opened the door for them.
“I guess so.” Remus shrugged as he stepped inside. “Good to see you Abe.”
“Hey! No, no. This time he actually came willingly!” Sirius quickly said as they followed Aberforth to the bar so he could give them all butterbeers before they walked around the counter to go to his living room that was attached to the pub, only a doorway to connect the two. “Oh hello Ariana!” he smiled widely as he saw the small girl on the painting, smiling at them.
The rest of the boys also said hi and soon they were all sitting around on Aberforth chairs and stools. “Me and Ariana missed you boys over the summer break.” Aberforth said. “The town was too quiet.”
James took a hand to his chest in a moved gesture. “We missed you too, Abe. Blessed be the day we found our way through the secret passage to Honeydukes. You always give us free butterbeer so how could we not miss you?”
Ariana giggled, covering her mouth as she did but her eyes betrayed her, she was a gentle soul, Remus sometimes wondered what had happened to her, all they knew was that she had been very sick while living and had died eventually.
Aberforth sat on his armchair, which none of the boys was reckless enough to dare to sit on, and sipped his own butterbeer. “So… What’s new boys?”
“Uhm… Lily still hates James, Remus still pretends he cares more about his books than he cares about anything else, Peter is still eyeing that Hufflepuff girl neither of us knows the name and I moved out.” Sirius said casually, as if it was very normal a fifteen-year-old moved out of his parents’ house.
Aberforth was finding everything very amusing until Sirius mentioned moving out. He then raised an eyebrow. “And where are you living, kiddo? You know, Hogwarts is just year deal. You can’t stay there during summer.” Aberforth said a bit sarcastically but there was concern on his voice.
“Relax… he moved in with me.” James said with a wide grin and Sirius got up from his chair to go sit on his lap. “Appeared at our door like a lost puppy and my parents let me keep him as long as I fed him and walked him myself.” He joked.
“My knight in a white armour.” Sirius said dramatically, getting up and going to sit on James’ lap, wrapping his arms around James’ neck who was laughing.
Remus chuckled. “Shiny armour, Sirius. It’s the horse that is white.” He said.
Sirius raised an eyebrow, looking over at Remus. “Why would I need a horse when there are Hippogriffs?”
“Muggles don’t have them.” Remus pointed out.
“Right...” Sirius nodded, and although James was squirming and whining for Sirius to get off him, Sirius, being the insufferable pain that he was, stayed there happily.
They stayed at Aberforth’s for a while but as soon as the older man showed signs of tiredness they let him rest as he would have to work the following day. “I don’t feel like coming back just yet.” Remus said once Aberforth closed the door behind them. For the first time in days he was feeling something close to not anxious so he wanted to ride that feeling and make it last for as long as he could.
Sirius looked over at Remus. “Alright, let’s go for a walk then.” Sirius suggested and as James nodded and Peter made a noise of approval he hesitantly put an arm around Remus shoulders, playing it off as casual as they started walking.
Remus glanced at Sirius, his lips curling into a smile as he wrapped his own arm around Sirius’ waist.
The boys walked through town, keeping it silent as they didn’t want to wake anyone up and then have them tell on them. They could trust Aberforth but only because he just didn’t care about the rules and the system and over time he actually enjoyed to have them over. Like James used to say, Aberforth wouldn’t jeopardise not being able to see his favourite four non-drunk lads now and then.
After a while James noticed Remus’ arm around Sirius and Sirius’ around Remus and smirked to himself, refraining from comments before he too decided to tag along and placed his arm heavily around Sirius’ shoulders and pulled Peter closer so they would all walk hugging each other like the good group of friends that they were. They didn’t really need words to be able to enjoy each other’s company and Remus valued that a lot.
Remus only noticed too late that they were actually making way to the Shrieking Shack, but at this point it was actually easier to take the passage through there than to go all the way back to Honeydukes and risk having old Ambrosius or his wife after their ass.
“What say you, boys? Are you brave enough to go to the scariest haunted house of Britain?” Sirius teased with a chuckle.
“I heard not even the ghosts in Hogwarts go there.” James hummed and nodded. Even as they spoke the four friends didn’t stop walking towards the old shack.
Peter giggled. “I heard the spirit that haunts it is very angry.” He said.
“Eh… I don’t know. Feels like a lot of talk.” Remus shrugged. “I think it’s all fake.”
“Be careful, the angry spirit could come back to bite you in the ass.” Sirius said with a hum.
Remus scoffed. “Let them try and see who will actually get their ass bitten.”
Sirius and James laughed while Peter only shook his head, pretending he wasn’t dying to laugh as well. Remus had grown used to the jokes around Shrieking Shack and the fact he was a werewolf and in a way it made everything so much better. Not only it showed his friends didn’t really mind he was a werewolf but also it made the matter so much lighter, Remus just didn’t have to worry about it at all when he was around them, he could speak openly about his lycanthropy or not talk at all and his friends just respected it. His friends never took it too far either, so looking back, Remus was very lucky they had all ended up in Gryffindor together.
James and Sirius still thought it was delirious that people linked their best friend transforming into a giant furry creature to an angry spirit haunting a house that was falling apart in the middle of nowhere when there hadn’t even been signs of a living being going anywhere near it in who knows how long, to which Remus would always pretend he was honestly offended and respond with something close to a “A poltergeist would be so lucky to haunt that fabulous shack!”.
Remus went ahead once they were by the Whomping Willow as he was the one who knew better where the knot that paralysed the tree was.
“We still have to be careful because of Filch.” Remus reminded as they made way into the castle.
“That guy is nothing but trouble.” Sirius huffed.
“Filch is nothing but trouble?” Remus raised an eyebrow. “The poor guy started working at Hogwarts as the caretaker when the most troublesome teens this school has ever seen were reaching their prime of mischief!”
Sirius raised a finger, his eyebrows furrowing. “Excuse me? Are you trying to tell me that we reached our peak in third year?” He asked offended. “What are we now? Some old, dried up hags?”
“We found a way to block ghosts out of the Great Hall last year! Do you remember the mess it was?!” James said.
“And we still have three years ahead of us! Fifth grade has barely started!” Sirius added.
Remus chuckled. “I said reaching… The peak has to be somewhere within these years.” He said, nudging Peter who was laughing. “Don’t encourage their silliness, otherwise we will have to listen to them the whole night.”
Sirius gasped, taking a hand to his chest in a very dramatic gesture. “You are not nice. You…” He gestured to Remus face. “You can find your way back to the Common Room all by yourself!”
Remus chuckled. “I am the Prefect of Gryffindor. If I didn’t know my way there I was in big trouble.” He said and pulled Sirius closer to him, in a side hug. “Come on, you wouldn’t stay mad at me a few days just before my transformation, would you?”
“You are so lucky Peter wouldn’t handle a group break right now.” Sirius told him, not being able to contain the smile on his face when Remus grinned widely back at him.
Earlier that day Remus had been gloomy and silent, not responding or reacting to what was happening around him, he sometimes got like that when he overthought, and Sirius knew this time was all about Remus’ turn a few days away. He couldn’t even imagine what was like going through something like that, none of them knew, but neither of them tried to pretend they did. Sirius only ever tried to cheer Remus up, if he could bring some of his brightness and sarcasm up to the surface when Remus was in such a funk he knew he was doing the right thing. It was all about knowing how to react. When Remus was depressed and sad he needed a hand, a hug, a friend, when he was gloomy and distant he needed someone to make him stop thinking and be himself instead.
Peter shook his head. “I wouldn’t.” He said and before anyone could say anything else the four boys stepped into the Clock Tower Courtyard and had to shut up, it wouldn’t be so fun if Mrs Norris heard them and then told them off to Filch.
Argus Filch wasn’t that much older than them, just five years or so, but he had grown to be bitter and at the age of twenty he had the mindset of an old lonely man, sour with life. Maybe it was because he was a child of wizards but had no control over magic, one can only imagine how hurtful must be to watch people around you working with magic and doing wonderful things but not be able to do them yourself. Watching kids have their first experience in Ollivanders, their faces bright with joy and knowing that was just not in your future. Watching people get on brooms and flying away but knowing the broom will not respond to you. It must have been even worse while growing up, having Hogwarts as a milestone but then the letter never came. Receiving the news that you should have shown signs of having magic by then. But if it had been so why work at Hogwarts? Why not just accept your faith and live among muggles? Maybe that was harder. Maybe knowing about the wizard world and trying to live as if it didn’t exist was harder than living among wizards and witches. Maybe in Hogwarts Filch felt like he was part of it. Or maybe he just liked to be a bitter old soul and ruin everyone’s fun with the help of his beloved creepy yellow-eyed cat, Mrs Norris.
Filch’s first year at Hogwarts as the caretaker of the school was on the boys’ third year and Remus could never hold the laugh when he remembered the first words out of James’ mouth after Professor Dumbledore had announced the news and introduced to everyone the scrawny, oily haired man with a large nose and beard not even done properly. “Oh Peeves is going to love this guy.” Because soon enough James’ words were proven to be right, Peeves, the most annoying or most genius, depending on one’s point of view, poltergeist in the school quickly grew an interest on Argus Filch, starting to elaborate his pranks even more than usual just to annoy the caretaker as much as possible, and singing his songs as he floated through the halls of the school about him just to get a laugh out of it. In the poltergeist’s words to the four friends “If you do anything, do it efficiently, if your goal is to piss off someone, you go all the way. Like James Potter does to Lily Evans.” which had made James’ grin fall and then he walked right through Peeves, the feeling of passing through a ghost was weird and unpleasant but Peeves hated it more than James did.
Soon enough they reached the Common Room and Remus dragged his friends to their room before they would all fall asleep in the armchairs, it happened five times just the previous year alone and he was not looking forward having to carry them all up the stairs, specially Sirius, he got annoying and clingy and grumpy when someone tried to disrupt his sleep.
The day before the full moon arrived before Remus was ready to face it. It was a Friday so everyone around him was ready to see Saturday except for him. He was still worried over the fact the potion seemed to be losing its power on him, he had to talk to Professor McGonagall about that but after every class those past days, every time he was about to he would stop himself. Just last year she had complimented him on how grown he had become and how well he had handled his werewolf situation and how she was proud of him for that, so telling her he was not handling it well after all felt like he would disappoint her and at that point the last thing that he needed was having Minerva McGonagall’s reproving eyes looking directly at his own. It would eat him up.
When, during Friday, for sixth period, he and his friends stepped inside the Defence Against the Dark Arts room and Remus saw all the tables were pushed away against the walls as well as the chairs, he groaned. Great, interactive class, that was the last thing Remus needed in that moment.
“It’s going to be fine.” James patted his back gently. “I wonder what she has in store for us.”
“Torture.” Remus grumbled.
“Woah there… Your bitterness just got all the candy at Honeydukes sour.” Sirius said, raising an eyebrow. “Are you alright?”
“I’m good, I just didn’t feel like this today.” Remus said gesturing to the open space that was their Defence Against the Dark Arts classroom. There was a big trunk over where the blackboard usually was and by the way it was moving and twitching there was something in there Remus was not looking forward meeting.
“What do you reckon it’s in there?” Peter asked, adjusting the strap of his bag on his shoulder.
Sirius hummed and walked to the closest table to put his bag down. “I have no idea, I thought we were still looking over past year things for the O.W.Ls, I thought today was going to be lycanthropy.”
“Well I will take whatever is in that trunk over lycanthropy any day of the month. Once was enough I know what I have to know.” Remus said.
Sirius glanced at him. “Oh come on, it’s any girl’s dream… Being the centre of attention for a full hour.” He said and then grinned as a response to Remus’ glare. “Come on, you sound like a grumpy old man.” He nudged Remus.
“Alright everyone!” Professor Obliti said. “Line up in the back please, two rows.”
Professor Obliti was a young woman that had started working at Hogwarts a couple of years before Remus’ first at the school. She wasn’t tall nor short, she wasn’t skinny nor fat, she wasn’t gorgeous nor ugly. Professor Obliti was average. Average height, average weight, average look. There was absolutely nothing about her appearance that made her memorable. In fact, in the years that followed Remus’ graduation at Hogwarts he never seemed to be able to even recall the woman’s face. However, she was a great teacher, people respected her. Story was that she had been an Auror for a couple of years until she was invited for the position of professor of Defence Against the Dark Arts at Hogwarts.
Professor Obliti waited patiently for her students to form two lines, standing right in front of them to start her lesson. “Today is the last day we’re looking into things from previous years. I am very excited.” She said with a growing smile on her face. “As you know, back in third year we studied a creature called a Boggart, can anyone remind the class what a Boggart is?” She asked and the first hand in the air was Lily’s but soon others joined. Professor Obliti gestured towards Lily.
“A Boggart is a shape-shifter non-being that takes form of the worst fear of the one who first views it or the one who faces it, for that reason no one really knows the form it takes when alone. The charm that combats a Boggart is the Riddikulus charm which transforms it into something different, usually the spell caster chooses a funny form, dissolving the fear that the Boggart feeds on.” Lily said and Professor Obliti nodded.
“Very well! Well, up until today this school didn’t have a Boggart for students to try the Riddikulus charm properly, which was worrying seeing it’s a charm they can very well ask you in the practical part of your O.WL. levels or even for those following into the N.E.W.T. levels. But! This summer I was able to capture one, isn’t it amazing?!” Professor Obliti asked excitedly but the response of the class was dead silence and a few judge-y looks. Professor Obliti sighed at her student’s lack of interest. “Anyway, this is what we’re doing today. One by one each of you is going to face the Boggart and practice the Riddikulus charm on it. But beware… The Riddikulus charm demands a very clear and focused mind, you must imagine the boggart as what you want it to transform to. It is also important, as any charm, to speak clearly and with good pronunciation.” Professor Obliti said as she walked from her place in front of her students to behind the trunk. “Who volunteers to start?” She asked but no one had even time to raise their hand and volunteer before she spoke again. “Gryffindors. You who are oh so very brave, why don’t we start with you?” She said since they were all lined up on the front row anyway. “From my right to my left. Bloxam, Evans, Black and Lupin, you four can step forward, we’ll start with you.”
The four of them stepped forward like Professor Obliti had asked, standing just a couple of feet from the rest of the students but still quite far from the trunk. Behind him Remus could hear Goyle snickering, saying she couldn’t wait to see “the freak” shriek like a girl and pass out. The freak was Remus of course, somehow his scars made him a freak not the fact he was a blood thirst werewolf, not that they knew he was anyway. But hey he rather be the years freak because he had scars across his face and liked almost raw meat than a Death Eater wannabe. He still thought it was sick of some Slytherins to call themselves that when they were on the verge of a very serious wizard war.
“Shall I go first?” Alice asked, glancing at the others.
“Do you want to? I can go.” Sirius offered like the gentleman he could be when he wanted.
“No, it’s alright. I rather do it and be over with it.” Alice said, taking out her wand.
“Miss Bloxam, are you ready?” Professor Obliti asked.
Alice Bloxam nodded and gave a step forward, her wand held high and firmly in her hand. Professor Obliti took her own wand out and opened the trunk with magic, keeping some distance from it so the boggart wouldn’t take form of her own worst fear.
At first nothing came out of the trunk and Remus was starting to think that nothing would and this was all a prank when a giant shark jumped out of the trunk, turned to Alice, rows and rows of teeth on the show, blood gurgling in its mouth, eyes dark and predatory. Alice stared at it wide eyed, and when it started moving towards her she froze. “You can do it!” Lily called and Alice breathed in sharply before crying out “Riddikulus!”
The shark stopped and in a matter of seconds it shrunk into a cute golden fish. Alice was finally able to breathe out and then smiled widely.
“Very good Miss Bloxam!” Professor Obliti praised. “Miss Evans step up!” She said. Alice went back into line, she still looked quite pale and a bit shaken, but she looked like she was proud at herself for being able to face the shark.
Lily took a deep breath and stepped forward. The boggart twitched and then it started shifting, it was like it was in between shapes but never settling, not really taking a form but there were glimpses of what he was going to become. It took a few seconds before it finally settled on a shape. It was a middle-aged man Remus recognised as being Lily’s father, he had seen him at Platform 9¾ on the first of September over the course of the past five years. “Tuney is right.” The man said. “You’re a freak.” He said. It looked like he was ready to say something else but Lily, who had already teary eyes raised her wand. “Riddikulus!” She said and then the man could no longer open his lips as if they were glued. Lily straightened up as she stared at the man, it was like she had expected his words even before he said them.
Lily didn’t wait for Professor Obliti’s approval before she turned her back and walked away back to her place in line. Alice Bloxam still looked shaken and pale as if she was sick, but Lily… Lily looked heartbroken. As soon as she was on her place she looked down at her feet and when Remus looked over his shoulder at her he could swear he saw a tear fall to the ground. James tried to reach out for her but Lily flinched away. “Not now, Potter.” She mumbled and James took his hand away, looking worried.
Sirius had not moved yet, he looked quite nervous. “Mr Black, can we expect you to move anytime today?” Professor Obliti asked and Remus nudged him gently before Sirius finally moved.
Sirius stood in front of the boggart, his knuckles were white with how tight he was holding his wand in his hand. Remus felt a chill running down his spine when the boggart, which was still as Lily’s father, gave Sirius a wicked smirk before it started shifting. It didn’t take as long to settle on a form as he had with Lily. Soon enough the boggart settled on James’ form and Remus frowned. James was in front of Sirius, grinning like his usual self but he didn’t say anything. He was about to when there was a green flash and James fell to the ground dead. It was a haunting image, James looked almost like his skin was grey, his eyes just staring into the distance.
Remus looked at James body in horror and he had to look back at his friend to make sure he was there and well. James was looking at Sirius wide eyed, it was clear that Sirius had never spoke about this fear of him with James, Remus had never heard it himself. Remus turned forward when he saw James jump on his spot only to catch the boggart shifting again. The boggart stayed on the ground, it was shifting into another human form, when it finally settled on one, Remus felt his heart clench in his chest. Remus stared at his own dead eyes for a few seconds before he saw all the blood. The boggart was covered in it as it bled from several deep cuts and wounds all over his body.
Remus looked at Sirius who was just looking at the boggart in terror, behind them not even the Slytherins dared to speak, they were understanding that that lesson wouldn’t be easy for anyone and at that point they were smarter than to make fun of Sirius who was still not reacting.
Professor Obliti was ready to interfere, she was already walking around the trunk to step in front of Sirius when he suddenly reacted. “Riddikulus!” Sirius shouted and Remus limp, bleeding body suddenly turned into a piñata, and instead of blood there were just a lot of sweets.
Sirius took a couple of seconds to pull himself together and return to his spot in line, Remus tried to reach out to him but Sirius looked down at the ground almost as if he was ashamed of what had just happened. Unfortunately, Remus didn’t have time to talk to his friend nor the opportunity as they were still in class. He stepped forward as it was his turn.
Remus knew his boggart would be about his lycanthropy condition, he was just not sure which of it he feared the most. He didn’t know if he was about to be faced with Fenrir Greyback, or if he was about to be faced with himself transforming in front of all that people, unmasking his secret, or if he was just going to have to face his own werewolf form, not that he knew how he looked when he was a werewolf, would the boggart know anyway?
Remus felt a pit in the bottom of his stomach when the boggart started shifting, he rolled his wand nervously in his hand as he watched the boggart shift between undistinctive forms. It seemed the Boggart couldn’t quite figure which was Remus’ worst fear. It took even longer than it did for Lily, maybe it had been just a minute but Remus was feeling so anxious with anticipation that for him it had been almost fifteen minutes. Nothing could have prepared Remus for what the boggart settled for, especially because at first he was just really confused.
The boggart had settled for the night sky, cloudy too. Remus looked back at his friends shrugging at James that didn’t seem to get it either. It was when Remus turned forward that he got it. He got it and it was like he had just been ran over by Hogwarts Express.
The clouds were moving out of the way and behind them was big, bright, full moon. Remus had been so worried with seeing Fenrir or himself he didn’t think about this.
His heart raced on his chest painfully as he expected the pain to hit and his control to slip, his breaths started getting shallow as he waited for the worst. Turned out Remus’ worst fear was the transformation itself and everything that meant, the loss of control, the fear of hurting someone while in werewolf form, the fear of being found and denounced, the fear of not being accepted.
Only then, when the moon was half uncovered that he realised the boggart couldn’t trigger his transformation and so Remus raised his wand. “Riddikulus!” he said his voice sounding firmer than he had expected considering he was starting a panic attack.
The moon expanded until it blew up and Remus came back to his place in silence.
“Are you alright?” James asked.
Remus nodded and glanced at Sirius who was looking quite pale, his eyes stuck on the ground still. Professor Obliti called the next four students to step forward. Remus didn’t take his eyes off Sirius as James stepped forward and faced the boggart. Eventually he just couldn’t handle seeing Sirius like that and not doing a thing so he reached for his hand, he just wanted to let him know that he was there, he was there and he was not going anywhere.
Sirius looked up at Remus with wide eyes, Remus just gave him an ensuring smile. Sirius did manage a half smile back before he looked down at the ground again.
Everyone that faced the boggart came back silent to their place and it took them a few minutes before they would be able to laugh when the boggart was forced to assume a foolish look by the person imposing the Riddikulus charm on it.
It was easier for people facing material fears, like Alice had. After a while she had overcome the shock of being faced with the giant shark and she was okay, but people who had to face fears like Lily’s or Sirius’… They didn’t seem to be able to get over it through the whole lesson.
Eventually, the last person faced the boggart and after that Professor Obliti forced it back in the trunk and dismissed the class. As soon as she did, Remus pulled Sirius closer to him and hugged him like he had been dying to since he had faced the boggart. Sirius didn’t react right away but when he did he held Remus back tightly.
James joined in the hug and then Peter also wrapped his arms around his friends. “We are not leaving you anytime soon.” Remus said quietly and then he finally felt Sirius relax.
Later that night the four Gryffindor boys went to bed early, Remus couldn’t sleep. At this point there was so much in his mind he wasn’t even thinking about any of it but he couldn’t sleep either. He waited until his friends were sound asleep before he got up. He sat on the cushioned windowsill right next to his bed and pushed the curtains open so he could look outside, like he used to do when he couldn’t sleep.
“Remus?” Sirius slurred after a while, sitting up.
Remus sighed. “One day you’ll have to explain to me how do you wake up every time.” He muttered as he watched Sirius get up to sit in front of him.
Ever since their first year at Hogwarts, every time Remus couldn’t sleep he would sit right where he was, just hoping he could calm his anxieties enough so he could sleep and ever since their first year at the school Sirius would wake up too and make Remus company until Remus was ready to go to sleep. Remus did not know how Sirius would wake up, he wasn’t one to have a light sleep, Remus should know considering the amount of times he had to drag Sirius out of bed to make him go to their morning classes. The first time, Remus thought it had been the light from the moon but then he started being more careful about noises and the light and Sirius would wake up either way. After a while Remus found himself hoping Sirius would wake up and the black haired boy never disappointed.
“You have your senses, I have mine.” Sirius simply said with a shrug. “What’s on your mind?”
Remus sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “I don’t even know at this point.” He mumbled. They stayed in silence for a couple of minutes, Sirius never forced a conversation on Remus on those nights, they just enjoyed each other’s company. Remus was just glad the silence wasn’t awkward. -“I am sorry you had to see that boggart turn into James… And then me.” Remus said, breaking the silence. “You never told us that was a fear of yours.”
Sirius bit the inside of his cheek, not replying at first. “Never seemed like the right time to tell my best friends my worst fear is to find them dead one day. That boggart was going to turn into Peter next, I know it. I couldn’t take it anymore.”
Silence fell between them again. Sirius was looking out of the window and Remus pulled his knees close to his chest, looking over at Sirius. When they were little they both had enough space on the windowsill to keep their feet on the windowsill, hugging their knees, now that they had grown only one of them could do so. They would often just cross link their legs so they could both keep the comforting position but that night Sirius had decided to cross his legs in front of him instead, letting Remus tuck his feet under his legs. “You know,” Remus said after a while. “Today I realised I never saw a full moon.”
Sirius frowned, turning to face Remus. “What do you mean?”
“I never get to see it; I start transforming before that and as a werewolf I have no memory of it.” Remus said.
“What about before Greyback turned you?” Sirius asked.
“I have no memory of it. I probably saw it but I don’t remember. I was too young.” Remus shrugged.
“Well… It doesn’t look much different than what it looks tonight.” Sirius said glancing outside. “The only difference is that it looks like a perfect circle.” He said.
Remus hummed and looked outside as well. The moon was almost full, but just almost, there was still a slight miss-shape. If it wasn’t just almost, Remus wouldn’t be looking at it, feeling peaceful.
“Would you ever reconsider your rule about not letting us be there?” Sirius asked.
“Nope.” Remus replied without even having to think about it. “There is nothing to reconsider. It’s a definitive no. I would hurt you and you know it.”
“Alright but what if we found a way for you to not hurt us?” Sirius insisted.
“There’s no way. Look at my face, if I do this to myself I can only imagine what I would do to someone else.” Remus shook his head.
“But-“
“Enough.” Remus said raising his voice a bit and then quickly looking over at James and Peter to make sure he hadn’t woken them up. “I would never forgive myself if I hurt any of you. That moon… It’s not just the transformation itself. It’s everything.”
Sirius gulped down some air before he sighed in defeat and nodded. “Fine. I’m sorry I brought it up.”
Remus shook his head. “It’s alright.” He mumbled.
After some more minutes of silence Remus glanced at Sirius. “I am ready to sleep.” He said and Sirius nodded.
“Me too.” He said and got up, extending one hand at Remus. He pulled his friend up on his feet and pulled him for a quick hug before Remus closed the window’s curtains and then lied down on his bed.
Saturday passed in a blur. Remus decided he wanted to go to the library and get some work done before the full moon that night but he was already feeling the frenzy rising, so he didn’t exactly expect to get too much done. He was, however, a bit surprised when his friends went there as well. He wasn’t too sure what they were doing but they seemed to be studying for Transfiguration. Could it be? Had Remus Lupin finally passed on some of his good influences and his friends were starting to revise for their Transfiguration O.W.L.s before it was too late and they would have to study five years’ worth of it in a week? No. That was too good to be true and Remus knew it. They were just probably trying to do the homework, not even realising they were looking in all the wrong places.
At dinner, Remus took his juice and then slipped out of the Great Hall, ignoring the dirty look Filch gave him. Remus made way to the school grounds, the moon was still well hidden behind the mountains, under the horizon line for now.
The night was pretty dark but Remus didn’t pull out his wand, he knew the way with his eyes closed by now. He was almost by the Whomping Willow when he stopped. “Remus Lupin tries for the gold.” He whispered to himself. “He has been having a great season so far…” He continued and then sprinted towards the tree, having to change directions abruptly so it wouldn’t smash him before he threw himself into the hidden tunnel. He slid down it until his feet reached the ground and got up in a jump. “And he makes it! 1o points to Gryffindor!” He said raising his arms.
Alright so maybe Remus was a dork and if he had to go through this every month and go to the Shrieking Shack to wait for the most painful night of the month alone, the least he could do was to make himself have some fun around it. Oh, and on the months that he had two full moons… Those were a blast.
Remus walked through the passage until he reached the old abandoned house. He took his clothes off and left them in an old cabinet so in the morning he could take them back. That was when he started feeling anxious again, anytime now he would be transforming and he wasn’t even sure how he would be holding his control that night.
Waiting was excruciating. Remus was just waiting in there, not knowing when it would finally hit and he would start his transformation.
When it started, there was no doubt it was going to be a difficult night. At first he just started shaking, his muscles hurting as if they had lost all the strength in them. And then the worst started. His bones cracked like breaking themselves so they could grow like they needed to, his skin started stretching as if it was going to rip and leave his flesh bare, his nails breaking out of his flesh, growing into claws rather than nails. And that was just the start. Once those changes were settled, Remus felt a sharp pain in his chest and finally he couldn’t contain it anymore and cried out in pain, his mind was starting to slip as well, he could feel it. It was like looking at himself through a key-hole and controlling himself through muppet strings that were so fragile and thin as spider webs.
Remus’ heart was the one to give in first, it stopped before it grew so it had the strength to pump all the blood his new, giant body needed, then it was his lungs. For almost a minute was unable to breathe, his lungs changing and even then, he wanted to scream at the pain he felt during the transformation but his vocal cords were changing as well and there was no way any sound was leaving his lips.
The transformation in full took longer than anyone deserved. When Remus was finally able to let out any sound it was to howl and growl.
The blood thirst was always hard to control but along time, and with the help of Professor Slughorn’s potion, Remus had learned he could just inflict pain on himself to keep the werewolf distracted, and that was as far as his control went. He wasn’t there, not really, the minute the transformation was over Remus Lupin was gone but it was like he was present in the werewolf’s instincts just enough to not let him run off on a killing spree.
It was a hard night. He kept scratching himself with his claws, leaving deeper cuts than usual but his instincts were getting more feral so if he didn’t do so, who knows what would happen.
It was then that he picked up a heartbeat. It was a fast one, and he stopped doing what he was doing, his full attention on the drumming sound that filled the room, soon after he breathed in and he sensed the most delicious scent, making a pleasant chill run down his curved spine.
And that was the moment Remus Lupin completely lost himself.