Chapter Text
James walked the streets of central London hunched over against the cold night air. He was dressed in just a t-shirt and jeans with no coat to protect him from the light drizzle that was slowly freezing him. He supposed that if he hadn’t had shoes on when he and Q had started to fight, he’d be barefoot too. He had no phone, no money and no door key. It was probable that Q was worrying about him – he’d been walking aimlessly for half the night – but he couldn’t bring himself to go home just yet.
Home.
Once upon a time, ‘home’ had been a sparse flat in Kensington. A characterless void in which he kept his suits and a bed. For the past five wonderful years, ‘home’ had been wherever Q was. Now… he just wasn’t sure anymore.
The argument tonight had been the worst.
Q had been on sick leave for four weeks now and the tension between them had been steadily rising. James had tried to do his best for him but he was coming to the conclusion that maybe his best wasn’t good enough. Q was physically fragile and scared. At first it had seemed that he had taken his kidnapping in his stride but as time passed he was beginning to struggle. He’d started having nightmares and although he seemed calm and in control when speaking to the therapist assigned to them by MI6, he was becoming increasingly irritable and unpredictable with James. He constantly snapped at him and got angry if James’s careful attempts at helping aggravated any of his numerous injuries. His back, which had always given him some pain, had gotten much worse which, combined with his broken hand and hip, made it impossible for him to use his crutches and difficult to maneuver himself in and out of his chair. James wasn’t a fool and he could only imagine the frustration Q must feel. He just hated the fact that nothing he did seemed to make things any better for him.
Things had come to a head that night when Q had wheeled into the kitchen as James was preparing their dinner and suddenly demanded that James fuck him. James had been taken aback and Q had seen the hesitation in his face. He’d been furious, accusing James of not caring, of seeing Q as a helpless child, not a husband, of not wanting him after someone else had touched him. To James’s great shame he’d lost his temper at that last accusation. He’d grabbed Q’s hand when he started poking him in the chest and then tried to apologise when he flinched in pain. Then Q punched him in the face and screamed at him to get out of his fucking sight.
James had always been good at taking orders so he’d walked out in the clothes he was standing up in.
He left their evening meal half-cooked in the kitchen, the film they were going to watch in the DVD player.
A dozen times he’d reached a crossroad and almost gone back but each time he’d turned away from the direction of their flat and just kept walking. He’d murdered people in cold blood, watched his lover drown and done innumerable wicked things in the name of Queen and country but walking out on the love of his life… More than at any other time in his life, he felt like a lowlife piece of shit and he’d regretted it the moment the door had slammed shut behind him.
James used the time to think as he plodded on. Q had healed at a slower rate than the doctors had anticipated. He’d had to take two courses of antibiotics and they had upset his stomach to point that he hadn’t been able to eat properly. He’d lost over a stone in weight which had weakened him and made him even more physically reliant on James, something that he regularly told James that he hated. The thing that James hated was that it seem like every time he touched Q he hurt him – it unavoidable really with his injuries – so he’d withdrawn from him. Even sleeping next to him could jostle him so he’d made excuses to sleep on the sofa and avoid touching him except when he needed help.
He paused and gazed out over the dark water of River Thames. In the distance he heard Big Ben strike three and James began to shiver. Sighing he finally turned and headed back to their flat.
He arrived home ten minutes later and pressed the intercom on the street-level entrance. The door was unlocked without a word. He trudged up the stairs and saw that the door to their flat was open. When he stepped inside he was surprised to find Eve waiting for him.
“Oh James.” Her voice was quiet as she crossed the room to drag him into a hug. “Where have you been? Are you OK? You’re freezing.”
He rested his head on her shoulder, feeling ashamed that she would apparently still care about him after what he’d done.
“How's Tom?”
“He rang me about ten o’clock when he thought you weren’t coming back. He was in floods of tears. I’ve never heard him like that before and I don’t care to ever hear him like it again.” She pulled away and stroked the side of James’s face. His cheekbone smarted as she smoothed her thumb over it. “He wasn’t kidding when he said he’d clocked you one, was he? No wonder his knuckles are bruised.”
“Where is he Eve? I need to see him.”
“He’s having a lie-down in the bedroom.”
James went to step around her but she shifted, momentarily blocking his path.
“You’re going to be OK you know. You two. But you need to talk to him. Properly talk to him.”
James snagged her hand and squeezed it, nodding.
“Thank you for coming. Thank you for looking after him.”
Moneypenny nodded back.
“Go and take care of him. Maybe it doesn’t seem like he needs you to but…”
James didn’t hear the rest of what Eve had to say as he was already in the hallway. Pushing open the bedroom door he saw Q in the light from the hall. He was curled over on his side, a crumpled tissue clutched in his hand. His eyes were closed and he looked so defenceless that James’s heart felt like it was going to break. How could he ever have walked away from him? He thought he was asleep but as he approached the bed he heard Q whisper;
“Have you come for your stuff?”
James was confused.
“My… what?”
“Your stuff. You’re leaving me aren’t you?”
“What? No!” James felt a rising dread. “Why? Oh God, do you want me to?”
“No. No! I just thought after the way I acted earlier…” Q looked pained. “I’m sorry.”
James sat on the side of the bed and placed his hand on Q’s side. He could feel his warmth through his t-shirt.
“That’s my line.” He responded. “I’m sorry I walked out. I just needed to think. I’ve just been so useless, unable to help you. I made you think I didn’t love you...”
“You haven’t been useless. I couldn’t have coped without you here. I’ve been… it’s been hard for me.”
“I know darling.”
James sat in silence, desperately trying to think of something else to say. There was so much he needed to tell Q but everything was jumbled. He stared at the floor. He wondered where they had gone. The two men who were so in love with each other that nothing else mattered. Now it felt like so much mattered it was smothering them. After the longest time, Q spoke.
“I just wanted you to touch me.”
He looked up and saw that Q was watching him. A fresh tear was rolling down the side of his nose.
“I got to thinking…” He swallowed hard, struggling to find the words, “I just couldn’t get the idea out of my head that Col…” He shuddered and fought back a sob. James itched to gather him up and hold him but he stayed where he was, giving him the time to continue. “I can’t stop thinking about how he was the last person to touch me… intimately. I just… I wanted you to take that all away. Make me forget.” He scrubbed at his face and then stared at the crumpled tissue his hand. “Then I got angry thinking about how you keep avoiding me and you got that look on your face… like… you looked like I disgusted you. It made me feel so dirty…”
James shifted.
“You surprised me. That was all,” He began, “The last few weeks… I’ve tried to do what I’ve always done. You’ve never wanted to be given special treatment or have everything done for you and I’ve respected that. I spent so much time on mission over the years I’ve always known you could cope without me interfering but…” He stood up and linked his hands behind his head, frustrated by the way he was struggling for words. “After we got back here…you've needed helping but everything I do seems to hurt you and I never wanted to… FUCK!” He lashed out abruptly, punching the wall next to him. The plasterboard dented alarmingly. He leaned heavily on the chest of drawers besides him, tears of frustration burning his eyes. “I can’t do this. Why am I so bad at finding the words I need to describe how I feel?”
He stood and collected his thoughts for a moment, picking his next words carefully as he went back over to the bed and sat down next to Q again. He reached out to stroke his hair. He thought for a second that Q might flinch away but his eyes slid shut as he ran his fingers through the soft curls. “I feel so ashamed. Maybe I did look shocked earlier but that’s because I’ve seen you struggling to sit up with your bad back and that busted hip of yours. I’ve seen the way the cut on your side still pulls when you try to move yourself. I’ve always found you attractive – God, you know I have - but I couldn’t bear the thought of being close to you or making love to you before you’d healed and hurting you even more doing it.”
“You’re hurting me by not touching me.”
Q blinked up at him through his tears and James leaned over to kiss him softly.
“I realise that now and I’m so sorry my love. I never wanted to be the one to hurt you. If you want to be touched I’ll touch you but you need to start being more honest with me. I didn’t know how you were feeling because you didn’t tell me. You need to explain to me how you’re feeling. Be truthful with me. I thought you were coping so well and it was me who was doing everything wrong.”
“Oh darling no. It wasn’t like that at all… I really am so sorry.”
James kissed him again and they both sighed as he deepened the kiss. He slid his hand up under Q’s t-shirt and then froze as Q pulled away, suddenly gasping.
“Jesus fucking wept, your hands are FREEZING!”
James chuckled and playfully ran his cold fingertips over Q’s ribs.
“For fuck’s sake; he wants me to touch him, he doesn’t want me to touch him…” James muttered playfully, capturing another kiss.
Q smiled affectionately, shuddering as James pushed his t-shirt up his chest.
“Let me see if I can’t find a way to warm my hands up for you…”
James began to kiss every inch of exposed skin that he could reach, pushing aside the t-shirt until he lost patience with it and helped Q pull it off. Q watched as he ducked his head and kissed his chest as slowly and thoroughly as he could. He lapped at each nipple in turn and mapped every contour of his ribs with his cool fingers and warm tongue, delighting in the small shivers it earned him. After a few moments he felt the fingers of Q’s left hand slide through his hair.
“This reminds me the first night you convinced me to undress for you. Do you remember?”
James kissed his way down into the dip of Q’s uninjured hip and nuzzled the warm flesh there.
“I’d never done anything so erotic.” James breathed, still mouthing gentle open-mouthed kisses onto Q’s belly. “I wanted to taste every part of you… by the time I had you naked I wasn’t sure which one of us was more of a mess.”
“That was definitely you.”
James smiled as he untied the drawstring on the jogging bottoms Q was wearing. Carefully easing his hands under Q’s buttocks and trying not to jostle his still-recovering hip, he drew them off him. He threw them aside and then settled further down the bed. He began smoothing his hand over Q’s lower legs.
“You were so beautiful that night.” He looked up and saw the soft, loving expression that he adored back on Q’s face for the first time in what seemed like an age. “You still are. What happened… what they did… It broke my heart that I couldn’t stop them. That I couldn’t help you.”
Q smiled.
“You did help me you know, in a way.”
“Oh?”
“I was naked, freezing and hurting and I’d pretty much given up on being found. I was so tired I must’ve dozed off.” James felt the old itch rising as his anger rose up at the thought of Q suffering. Q reached down and smoothed a finger under James’s jaw until he looked up and their eyes met. “I dreamed about you. That New Year’s Eve we sat on the roof and watched the fireworks. In the dream you kept trying to keep me warm. Kept talking about my clothes. It was that dream that started me thinking about my favourite blue shirt.” James didn’t really have a clue what Q was on about and it must have shown in his eyes. “The tracker James. 006’s tracker was in that shirt. If it hadn’t been for you and your bloody stupid idea of a romantic gesture… well. I may never have remembered the thing that saved my life.”
James rolled forward and kissed Q’s inner thigh. He muttered.
“What was that?” Q asked.
“I said it wasn’t a bloody stupid idea. Those fireworks were lovely.”
Q laughed then. The first proper laugh James had heard in a long time. He grabbed James’s ears and he allowed him to drag him up the bed until he was kneeling over him. Smiling, James kissed him slowly. When he felt Q tug at his sweatshirt he allowed him to pull it off over his head.
“Take off all of your clothes.”
James smiled.
“Bossy.”
“You just told me I need to be more honest. This is me being honest. I want to see you naked.”
“Oh, you do, do you?” James asked with a smile. “Well, I think I can manage that.” He knelt up and began to unbutton his jeans. He paused for a moment, tilting his head, listening. "Do you think Moneypenny's gone?"
"I'm not sure, why?"
"Because, if she hasn't, I’m pretty sure she's finally about to find out if I'm any good in bed..."
Q reached out his hand and James crawled forward again, allowing him to pull on the open waistband of his jeans. He placed his hands either side of Q’s head and shivered as his fingers traced the line of his cock through his underpants.
"Well then, you'd better make an effort Commander. Impress the woman."
He looked down as Q nimbly drew his cock out one-handedly and began to stroke him. James leaned down and claimed a kiss.
“I’d rather impress you.”
Q wrapped his other hand, still in it’s heavy cast, around the back of James’s neck. His stroking hand sped up as James hardened. He smiled.
“You’re still not naked.”
“You’re being very distracting.”
Somehow James found the motivation to pull away and climb off the bed. Once standing he quickly removed his clothing. Q watched him as he went to the drawer by the bed and pulled out some supplies. Dropping them onto the duvet he picked up the pillows from his side of the bed. Quickly looking over the way Q was lying he crawled back onto the bed and rolled him slightly, placing a pillow under his lower back. He took the other and put it under his left knee, supporting his injured hip. James then shifted forward until he could take Q’s other leg and place it over his own hip. He watched Q’s face intently as he pressed forward between his thighs. Q squeezed his eyes shut and bit his lip, an uneasy look washing over his features as their bodies touched. James curled over him and brushed a stray curl back off his forehead.
“Open your eyes my baby boy.” He kissed the side of his mouth. “I know I’ll never be able to take away your memories of what that man did but keep your eyes on me. I’m not him darling. This is different. That was violence, this is love and I love you so much. Will you let me show you how much?”
Q looked up at him, his eyes wide and searching.
“It’s stupid but I feel scared James.”
“It’s not stupid darling but don’t be. Please don’t be.”
He started to kiss him again. Smoothing his hand down his body and slipping it between his legs he cupped his balls. He licked his way into Q’s mouth and allowed his fingers to brush over his arsehole as their kisses deepened. Once he felt Q relax James reached for the lube. Slicking up his fingers he resumed his position and very gently penetrated him. Q gasped and his eyes widened.
“OK?”
Q nodded and reached down to grasp James’s wrist, encouraging his movements.
“I’ve… I’ve missed this.”
James kissed him again and slipped in another finger. He knelt up and gazed down at Q. He really was beautiful. All but the most vicious bruises had faded and his grazes had healed. He smoothed his free hand down the angry scar that now marked Q’s abdomen.
“I came so close to losing you.” He murmured. “I don’t know what I would have done without you…”
Q trembled as James began to gently fuck into him with his fingers.
“I can’t imagine living without you.”
“James…” Q arched his neck, baring his throat in his pleasure. James leaned over him again and kissed him there, mouthing at his pulse point. He shivered with the power of his desire for this man. This was how he’d remembered Q on that horrific day. Relaxed. Open. Trusting. He breathed in his scent. When he looked up again to make sure Q was still alright he was surprised when his husband stroked his face and his fingertips came away wet. He turned his head and kissed the palm of his hand. Withdrawing his fingers he grabbed the lube again and smeared a liberal amount onto his cock. Positioning himself, with the broad head of his cock pressing up against Q’s opening, he paused when he saw a shadow flit over Q’s face.
“Tom?”
“I’m sorry,” he whispered, “I’m not sure I can do this. He… when he...”
James stilled his hips but moved his hand to cup the side of his face. He slid his fingers up behind his ear and ran his thumb soothingly over the line of his jaw.
“I’m not him darling. I’m not him.”
He began kissing Q again and waited until he felt his husband’s hands rest on his hips. When James felt him tug on them ever so slightly he shifted his hips and nudged the head of his cock past the clench of Q’s entrance. Q began to tremble. James pulled back to watch him intently as he started to cry. After a moment he tugged on his hips more insistently and urged him closer.
“OK?”
“Don’t stop. Please.”
James began to rock into him, kissing Q through his tears when he raised his head up off the pillow.
“I love you sweetheart.”
Q cried out as James increased his pace, with small sounds of pleasure on every exhale. Everything was so intense and James felt so overwhelmed that he didn’t last long. In less than a minute he buried his face into Q’s neck and sobbed as he came, breathing in the smell of Q’s sweat. As he came back to himself he felt Q kiss his temple and smooth his hands down his back and he was hyper-aware of everything - the heat and tightness of Q’s body, the scratch of the cast on his wrist, the wetness of his tears on his face. Carefully withdrawing, he snuggled down besides him and picked up the small vibrator he’d taken from the drawer earlier. Turning it on he tucked it into the palm of his hand and started to stroke Q’s cock. He wasn’t sure if he’d be able to get an erection as stress tended to have an adverse effect on him but Q surprised him by quickly stiffening in his hand. They nuzzled each other, trading lazy kisses as James manipulated the vibrator until it pressed under Q’s frenulum where he knew he liked it. When Q eventually came he was wonderfully relaxed, pulsing his spend all over his own trembling stomach as James cradled him in his arms. After teasing his sensitive flesh for a few minutes James removed the vibrator and, turning it off, tossed it aside. He wrapped his arms around Q and drew him in close. He smiled as he saw Q’s eyelids were drooping. He sleepily stroked the bruise on James’s cheek.
“I’m sorry I hit you.” Q mumbled. “I shouldn’t have punched you. I love you so much. What did I ever do to deserve you James?”
“I think you must have been particularly wicked in a previous life.” James smiled.
He held Q to his chest and watched as he drifted off to sleep.
~EPILOGUE~
“If you’re going to hover like that I’m going to banish you to the lounge.” Q remarked as he brushed his teeth. James stepped into view behind him and watched at him in the mirror.
“Was I really being that obvious?” He asked, resting his hands on the back of Q’s wheelchair.
“I could hear you breathing! Some spy you are…” He spat out toothpaste and turned on the tap to rinse his brush. James stood and watched him, smiling, as he set down the toothbrush and picked up his hairbrush. Q sighed in mock indignation as his husband snatched it off him and began to groom him. “You’re being ridiculous.”
James hummed in agreement.
“Ridiculously in love with you maybe.”
Q pretended to gag into the sink until James clonked him on the head with the brush.
“Ow!” He rubbed his head and scowled until James knocked his hand away.
“Stop it Tom, I’m trying to make you look presentable here! It’s not an easy task...”
Q stuck his tongue out at him but relaxed back as James finished teasing his hair into soft whorls. When he’d finished he leant forward and put the brush back on the counter, kissing the top of his husband’s head as he did so. He slipped his arm around his chest and hugged him, looking over his shoulder at him in the mirror.
“I am, you know. Totally, ridiculously.”
Q squeezed his wrist.
“I know. Me too.” He glanced at his watch. “Holy shit, I’ve got to get a move on. The car will be here in a few minutes.” He propelled himself into their bedroom.
It was Q’s first day back at MI6 since the kidnapping. His sick leave had been extended when it became apparent he wouldn’t be physically fit enough to return to work after the initial six weeks. Q had requested, and was granted, enough time off so that when he returned to Q Branch he did so fully recovered so it had been almost twelve weeks since he’d last been in the office. He’d managed to do some work from home over the past month but it wasn’t the same and he was anxious to get back to the bustle of his staff.
The same couldn’t be said of James. He was less happy about Q going back and it had caused another huge argument when Q announced he had ordered a replacement car and would continue to drive himself to work and back. James had refused to let him and that had infuriated Q no end. Q had tried to argue that the odds of him being kidnapped twice were infinitesimally small but James had become desperate. He threatened eventually to fully retire so that he could act as Q’s driver and bodyguard. Q had never seen him so upset and it served as a reminder that he hadn’t been the only one damaged by their ordeal. In the end they’d compromised and Q had applied for a staff driver.
Q wheeled himself to their bed and picked his tie up off it. He sighed dramatically when James plucked it out of his fingers and knelt down so could loop it round Q’s collar. He reached out and placed his hands on James’s shoulders, enjoying the feel of his muscles moving through the fine cotton of his shirt.
“Are you ever going to stop mollycoddling me?” He asked quietly.
James tilted Q’s chin up with a finger so he could knot his tie.
“Probably not for the foreseeable future, no.” After a beat he added; “But it’s not because of your disability or me thinking you can’t cope, you know that don’t you? It’s because I love you so much and it terrifies me that someone might try to take you away from me again.”
He finished what he was doing and smoothed the length of the tie down Q’s chest. He then leaned in and kissed him. Q sighed as his tongue slipped into his mouth and he tightened his hold on James’s body. James was the first one to break off the kiss, pulling Q into an embrace.
“I’m sorry.” He spoke softly into the side of Q’s neck. “I’m trying not to smother you. I’m really trying not to but it’s hard. I feel like I want to lock you away forever and keep you safe. I know what happened… it’s probable that nothing like it will ever happen to us again but… please… give me some time to deal with this. Wrap my head around it. I just need to get used to you being out in the big bad world again.”
Q hugged him tight.
“I know. I understand, I do. So many times you were hurt in the field and then you’d go straight off on a mission again. So many times I wanted to keep you with me.” He kissed James’s temple just as the intercom from the front door buzzed. “Shit! The car’s here! But James, I have a job to do and I need to get back to it. They haven’t had a lot of success in chasing down the leads that Dunn eventually gave us and I need to know who was behind our ordeal. Who ordered us kidnapped. We both do.”
James nodded and released him looking solemn.
“Besides!” Q exclaimed with a playful slap to James’s arm, “You’re bloody well coming with me today you big girl’s blouse! Now get me my jacket before you make us even more late or M will have your balls.”
James laughed, more at himself than anything else he suspected. Q watched him as he went to the wardrobe. He had a lot of healing to do, they both did, but he had a feeling they would be alright.
They loved each other too much for them not to be.
~FIN~