Chapter Text
The list was Steve's idea. A page, divided in two which Bucky could fill in. At the top, Steve put a tick, and wrote 'forehead kiss' beneath it, then wrote 'Not now' in the other column and 'kissing' under it. Bucky managed a faint smile at the way he had phrased it, at the way he seemed to think this was just temporary. Bucky wasn't so sure, but he took the pen Steve offered, trying to think of what had made himself disappear inside himself. He carefully added what he could remember. Steve's hand on his human shoulder, gripping too hard. The arm around his waist. Being surprised was a big one, so he added that on as well, then pulled back to look at the paper.
He'd ruled out so much intimacy that he felt anger bubbling up again. He was doing this wrong, he wasn't coping well enough. Steve needed him to do better and he wasn't managing that. He glared down at the paper, and pushed it off to one side.
"Let me see?" Steve asked, and Bucky shook his head.
"I have to add more." Bucky answered, working out what he could remember from his time with Sandy, or with STRIKE. Piano music was a bad one for him, so he added it to the not now line, and he couldn't give oral sex. He could remember being pushed against a wall, or face down against the floor. Standing in the shower under cold water, feeling all of the Strike team staring at him, and he gagged. He closed his eyes, ducking his head.
"Hey, Bucky..." There was a tapping sound, as Steve knocked his fingers against Bucky's metal arm, and he lifted his head up to see Steve there.
"That work?"
"That worked." Bucky agreed, adding it to the list with a tick. Then he added all the ones he had remembered to the not now list. All he could see looking at it was a list of his failings, and he held it out to Steve with a sense of shame.
Steve looked it over and smiled, looking delighted. His eyes were shining, and he sounded happy when he spoke.
"You did great there Buck. Gives us something to start with."
"Yeah." Bucky had tried to smile, but it had felt forced. If Steve noticed, he didn't comment on it.
It had given them some guidance of where to start, but it hadn't been enough. Bucky wasn't going to spend the rest of his life being kissed on his forehead and tapped on the metal arm. Not if he got to be Steve's lover.
The first thing they had tried was Bucky being in control, getting to touch Steve all over while Steve lay there passively, moaning at the touches. It had been working for a little while, until Bucky had rushed it, had tried to prepare himself. He had felt himself slipping before he had even got into position above Steve's cock, and when he felt Steve pressing up into him he had found reality had faded out completely. He came around to see Steve smiling weakly.
"Think that one's a no."
Bucky had laughed without humour, and they had added it to not now list. It was far longer than the list of things that they could try.
Next, Bucky had tried fucking Steve. It had been going well until Steve had run a hand over the scarred shoulder as he stroked Bucky's cock, and it had been Sandy standing there.
Bucky couldn't really remember what had happened when they had tried bondage. He remembered agreeing to it, and then there was nothing until the next morning, when he had come back to himself to find his face wet with tears. Steve hadn't been able to meet his eyes for a while, and he had been unable to keep himself from shaking. Steve wouldn't tell him what had happened that time, couldn't meet his eyes when he asked. Bucky didn't ask again.
After that, the list was forgotten about, and Bucky took care of his needs in the shower and cuddled up to Steve in bed at night, wrapped securely in his blanket once more.
The list didn't come up again for a while. Bucky got the feeling Steve was beating himself up about what had happened, but he didn't have the strength to argue with him right now. It was too much to bring up. They continued to circle around each other, what they wanted always painfully out of reach.
At night, Bucky's dreams were filled with Sandy laughing at him.
It was only when Steve nearly died on a mission, coming home badly beaten and bruised, that Bucky wanted to try again. He sat beside Steve, holding out the list with his human hand. Steve smiled and leaned in, kissing him on the forehead. Bucky punched him gently on the shoulder.
"Don't you ever scare me like that again." Bucky muttered, an old routine that was never as effective as he would have liked.
"Yeah. Yeah, I'll try." Steve grinned at him, and Bucky was reminded of the time he had spent in Steve's apartment in Brooklyn. The memory didn't devour him, just hung at the edge of his memory, making him smile. He cleared his throat, waiting for Steve to look up at him.
"I've been thinking about the list. About... about what they did."
"Oh?" Steve asked, looking at him curiously.
"I had an idea. We don't have to go for it but..."
Steve was silent, watching him closely. He was patient but the silence stretched on until Bucky had to fill it.
"I want to watch you." He swallowed, his mouth going dry, but without any terror coming at the words. "I want to see you touch yourself Steve."
Steve blushed a little, but he grinned as he looked up at him.
"Yeah. I can do that."
Bucky felt a faint glimmer of hope.
"Now?"
Steve looked up at him and smirked.
"You don't mess around, do you?" He asked, taking off his shirt. "Any problems, you say."
"Yeah." Bucky agreed, settling back against the pillows and watching closely. The shy smile on Steve's face was all Steve, and as he threw his head back and moaned, Bucky felt his own cock stiffening in response, reaching down to stroke himself through his pants.