Chapter Text
“Wait. You went running?” I ask.
“What? Why do you look so worried?” Sam counters with a smile.
I laugh ruefully. “Let's see. There's Cas, who I told to haul ass here. That was days ago. He's still out there. Um, there's you.”
“Me?” Sam cuts in with a laugh. “I feel great.”
“I'm sure you do, but, Sam, you went through the trials. Okay, that put a big strain on you. I just think it's better if you took it easy, you know, and didn't act like you were-”
“Possessed by an Angel.” Ezekiel looks over at me with vacant eyes. “And he does feel better.” Zeke proceeds to relay the news fresh from Angel Radio. Angels are forming a faction. That means Cas is in much more danger than we thought.
“The more of them that are after Cas, the worse it is, so... we gotta find him.”
*
Sam goes off to take a shower and I grab a map of Colorado. I take way too long making perfect radius circles for each day- I just don’t want to miss an inch. I walk back to the War Room and see Sam on his computer already searching the police scanners for Cas. Already did that, Sammy.
I roll the map out on the table and pull out a sharpie. “All right, so this is where Cas called from on Tuesday – Longmont, Colorado.” I point to the tiny circle in the middle. “Each circle is how far he might have gotten in one, two, and three days out.”
“Ok. Uh, here we go. Same day he called from Longmont, weird murder, same town. Cops said it was like the girl was blasted from the inside out.” “Angel kill.” Sam says nothing and continues searching online. “They might have just missed Cas. Unless they got him.” Sam looks up at me and then back to his laptop. After a beat, “You got an Emory Park, Iowa?” I scan the map with my finger. “Emory Park, Emory Park. I just saw that. Yeah, a couple days outside of Longmont.”
“Okay, because two priests were murdered there Thursday. Eyes blown out, evidence of torture. They were impaled on posts…” Sam trails off. “Torture?” My mind racing. “Yeah.” He responds. “Angels are looking for info. Damn it. Man, if they get to him before we do...” “Dean. We’ll find him.” Sam says. “Well, we better get moving.” I walk towards my room and grab my duffle.
*
The door is locked; I break it down. A woman is standing over Cas with his blade held against his throat. “Cas!” I shout. His eyes lock mine as she turns back to him and drives the blade into his chest. My brain turns off, I draw my angel blade and charge her. With a wave of her hand, she sends me flying into the wall. She kicks my blade away. “This girl is popular with all the boys.” She walks slowly towards Sam. I get up and find myself right next to Cas. Her blade is still sticking into him. I bite my lip and pull the blade out. I’ll be back. Just hold on. She knocks Sam down with one punch and turns to face me, but I’m already there. I slide the blade into her belly and watch as her eyes glow white hot and falls to the floor with a wail.
Suddenly, I remember Cas. “Cas.” I walk past Sam, still unconscious on the floor. I stride over, dropping the blade. “Cas?” I lean over him searching for any signs of movement. Gripping his shoulder in one hand and his knee in the other, I shake him a little. Open your eyes, Cas. Nothing. I start to panic and grab his face. “Cas.” I call out a little forcefully. Come on! As I check his pulse, his head lolls to the side a little. I can’t breathe. “Cas!” My voice breaks and I can’t think straight. “No…” I slowly let go of his face and study his wounds. Defibrillator? I look around the room and see Sam walking slowly over. I slowly stand back up, blinking back tears. “Sam, he’s gone.”
Sam ignores me and places his hand over Cas. I take a second look and realize that it’s Ezekiel right now. Light shines from his hand as he moves it over Cas’s stomach. Come on, come on, come on. I chant over and over in my head. Sam/Zeke stands up and stumbles backwards. I turn to grab him, but Sam collapses onto the floor. I step forward to help him up, but then I hear the most amazing sound.
“Dean.”
I turn and stare for a moment. Blue eyes staring back at me. “Hey…” I run back to the chair and clutch his knee and shoulder again. “Hey, yeah.” It’s me. I’m here. Cas looks at me confused, then towards Sam. “And Sam.” Cas says. “Cas? You’re okay?” Sam asks, still slightly dazed. I turn back to Cas and smile. Yeah, he’s okay. Cas looks around and sees the woman’s body on the floor. Finally able to relax, I stand back up, slowly letting go of him. I take a deep breath and let go of the emotions bubbling inside. “Never do that again!” I command. Don’t you dare leave me. Cas looks back at me, unsure. “Alright.” He responds.
*
“I am really enjoying this place. Plentiful food. Good water pressure. Things I never even considered before. There really is a lot to being human, isn't there?” Cas smiles at me.
“It ain't all just burritos and strippers, my friend.” I sigh as I stuff my face with my burrito. “Yeah. I understand what you're saying.” Cas replies. “You do?” Sam asks. “Yes, there's more to humanity than survival. You... look for purpose, and you must not be defeated by anger or despair.” Cas pauses, lost in thought. “Or hedonism, for that matter.”
“Where does hedonism come into it?” I ask, completely lost. “Well, my time with April was very educational.” Cas starts. “Yeah. I mean, I would think that getting killed is something.” Sam laughs. “And having sex.” Cas supplies.
His comment takes me by surprise and I end up inhaling my latest mouthful. I choke for a moment and swallow slowly, trying to phrase my emotions. “You had sex with April?” is all that comes out instead. “Yeah, that would be where the hedonism comes in.” Sam offers. I shush him and turn back to Cas, hoping we heard him wrong. Cas nods at Sam and he returns the motion while I stand there racking my brain for a normal response. “So... did you have protection?” I mentally slap myself for such a stupid comment, but Cas is responding. “I had my angel blade.” He assures me. “Oh – oh, he had the Angel blade.” I say to Sam. I need to give him The Talk now. Do Angels even know this stuff? Can they even- “In any event, I – I do now see how difficult life can be and how well you two have led it. And I think you'll be great teachers.” Cas says confidently. “…Thanks” I make out. “Are there any more burritos?” Cas asks, changing the subject. “Uh.. yeah… yes.” I point down the hall, stupidly.
Something about Cas is different and I can’t pinpoint it. As Cas walks away my eyes flit over him. A red sweater… Where’s that stupid trenchcoat? Something about the missing coat bothers me. I try to laugh it off as he walks to the kitchen. “Our little Cas. He gave it up to a reaper. That is-”
Sam stops to think for a second. “Wait a minute… If Cas had sex with April, that means he actually had sex with the reaper. But he didn’t know it was the reaper.” “So?” I ask, as I continue to eat my burrito. “So,” Sam sighs, exasperated. “So that means it was rape. He didn’t consent.”
“Um I’m pretty sure he wanted to have sex. It’s in our blood, man. Winchesters- we gotta love the ladies.” I brush him off. “No, Dean, think about it. Yeah, sure, he was okay with having sex with April. But it wasn’t April. The reaper tricked him. Even if he ended up enjoying it, it still counts.” I stop to mull it over. “Holy crap.” I say. “Um, do we tell him? Do we keep it a secret? This is like a big deal, we need to tell him-” “I got it.” Sam says. “Are you sure? Because maybe he’ll listen to me-” “Because you two ‘have a more profound bond?’ I know more about this subject, I can do this.”
“Alright.” I mumble, ignoring his comment. “But if there’s a problem or something…” “I can take care of this, Dean. I took a class back at Stanford. I would never hurt him.” I give up and watch Sam follow Cas into the kitchen. I hope he’s doing the right thing…
*
I hear water running from down the hall. I follow the noise and see Cas scrubbing his hands furiously under the faucet.
“Hey, Cas… you doing alright?” Cas looks up at me, glassy eyed. He doesn’t respond and continues washing his hands. “The reaper possessed that girl…” Crap. I forgot about the girl. “That’s actually what I wanted to talk to you about.” Cas continues running water over his hands. “Can you- can you stop washing your hands for a minute? They’re clean.” I try to joke. “Here, let’s go sit down.” I see Cas’s jaw clench at my joke (Woops, okay no humor), but he follows me out of the bathroom. I open my bedroom door for him, but he stops immediately and clenches his fists. “Woah, okay. Nevermind… Let’s, uh, let’s go to the kitchen instead.” Cas nods slightly and shuffles behind me.
Once in the kitchen, Cas looks around warily. “Hey, man, relax. Sit down, want some hot chocolate?” Cas doesn’t respond, but I turn around and busy myself with the drinks. I’m stalling now and I’m sure he knows it. I just have no idea how to deal with this. I bring the steaming mugs back to the table and sit across from him. Cas stares at his mug. I take a breath. “Listen, Cas, I wanted to apologize about earlier. I didn’t really register the situation until after the conversation. My joke was a dick move.”
“And uh,” I scratch my head, unsure of how to continue. “How are you feeling?” I clear my throat. Cas continues to stare at his mug but mumbles something. “Come again?” I ask. “Is that how it’s supposed to be?” He says a little louder. “Hell no. It’s nothing like that… You’re both supposed to want it. No tricks. That reaper was a whole new level of dick.”
“When she kissed my cheek, it felt strange. I didn’t want… that. But, as I said… my people skills…” “You didn’t know, man.” I say firmly. “How could you? You’ve only been human for like 3 days before this happened.” I want to reach out and touch him, offer comfort, but I think better of it. Don’t want to cross any lines here. This is already a tricky enough situation. “But I understand. I mean, I think I do? She gave you food and shelter, right? Maybe you felt like you kinda had to pay her back?” Cas drops his head. “It was nice at first… But once I found out who she was…” “Hey, Cas. It wasn’t your fault. You didn’t know. The reaper used you. She used you and tricked you. It was her fault, and only hers.” Cas opens his mouth to argue, but closes it again. “And you’re safe now, right? I got her. The bunker is warded and it’s going to be fine.”
But I don’t really know. I wasn’t put in this situation. I don’t even know if I’m dealing with this right. How do you come back from something like that? I watch Cas walk back to the bathroom mumbling something about “shower”. Not only is he hurting, but he’s also feeling guilty about the poor girl the reaper possessed. She didn’t want this either…
*
“Castiel is in danger, and if he is here, I am in danger. Castiel cannot stay here.” I freeze. Ezekiel’s voice repeats in my head. ‘Cannot stay, cannot stay, Castiel cannot stay.’
I explode. “What the hell is that supposed to mean? ‘He can’t stay’. He vouched for you! He’s the reason you’re here!” Zeke turns to face me while I pace the room. “Not to mention he just died a couple hours ago! You’re just gonna save him and then send him out to die again? You know how many angels are looking for him!” Zeke stares, unflinchingly, at me. “Wait a minute,” I start thinking and walk towards him. “Didn’t you say you still believed in Cas?” Zeke opens his mouth to protest. “Were you lying?” I cut him off. “Were you just saying whatever it took to get me to let you live?” Zeke shifts uncomfortably. “You’re bluffing. I know you are. I don’t know what you want, but you’re sure as hell ain’t being serious. Maybe I’ll just send you out alone in the cold and see how you like it.”
Zeke’s face hardens as he straightens up and I know I’ve hit a nerve. “If I am sent out, Sam will die. You think I am bluffing? See how your brother would be without me.”
Suddenly, it’s Sam again. He collapses and rolls onto his side. “Sammy?” Sam doesn’t look at me, his mouth open in a silent scream. “Sammy!” “See how weak he is without me. He is dying.” His voice whispers in my head. “Shut up!” I yell at no one. Sam tried to focus on me. “Dean?” he asks, then starts coughing up blood. “Stop it! Stop it now!” I scream at the walls. “He will die within the hour without me.” “Stop it! Save him!” I stare at Sam on the floor, not being able to move. I look around wildly. “I’ll do it!” My stomach lurches as I say it, but Sammy is dying and that’s all I can think about. Suddenly, Sam is fine. No blood, nothing- as if it was a vision. Zeke stands, as Sam again, in front of me. “Never test me again. The next time, I will not hesitate.” I look at him wearily. “Castiel must leave today.” And with that, he walks away.
I slam my hands down on the table and grab the closest thing, a book, and hurl it against the wall. Pages fall out and flutter to the floor silently, but it doesn’t help. I grab another book and fling it. This one crashes satisfyingly into a picture frame. “Dean?” Sam’s voice calls from the hallway. I ignore him and stalk downstairs to the shooting range.
How the hell am I going to tell Cas?
*
I make my way over to him slowly. Not telling him crosses my mind, but Sam’s pained face is more prominent. I can’t do this to him. Not after what happened. I can’t. Cas is humming to himself as he eats a burrito. At least food cheered him up. The voice in my head whispers “he’ll never see it coming.” Shut up. I stand next to him trying not to breathe heavily. Cas looks up and smiles slightly. I can’t do this. Maybe I can tell Cas why… no, Zeke said no…
“Hey, Cas. Can we talk?”
He turns to face me. “Of course, Dean. You know how much I enjoy our talks, our time together.” He pulls out a chair for me. I clear my throat and lean on the table instead. My mouth goes dry and I focus on Sammy.
“Listen, buddy, you can’t stay.”
*
I can’t get his face out of my head. It’s been 4 weeks and whenever I try to sleep, I see his heartbroken expression. Every time Sam brings Cas up, I have to lie.
“Hey so why can’t we call Cas?” He asks one day. “Um, he said he’s hiding from the angels and doesn’t want them to pick up the trace. He said he’ll call when he can.” Sam shrugs and turns back to his laptop. I rub my head trying to forget, but I can’t get his face out of my head.