Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Oddly enough, Katya can’t sleep. She can’t remember the last time she slept on a couch. The bed in her old flat was so fucking comfy, she remembers that. Her old flat.

He’s less of a tricky subject now. He used her. It’s as simple as that. Katya doesn’t dwell on it too much, it’s not exactly like he got away with it. She lets it toughen her up. What happened to that little flat from hell? Did they just clean it out and sell it on? They must have. Who would remember her?

The only people she’s left a mark on are the ones she’s damaged.

No. That’s not true. She deserves better than that. She’s done some good things and some bad things. She’s not a curse. She can tell herself that and believe it now. It’s not all her fault. It’s okay.

She isn’t sure what she expected, but it wasn’t that. She expected more dramatics, maybe a phone call from her sister. It’s not like she has to wait long to see them she guesses, but the worry of it bubbles in her stomach. It could fester, but Katya won’t let it. She can’t put herself down.

She’d expected to see Trixie, which feels a bit stupid in hindsight. It makes no rational sense that she could have picked her up and taken her home. God, with what everybody thinks of Katya, she’s glad they wouldn’t let her. At least she knows that people have been keeping an eye on Trixie for her, and they will continue to if this doesn’t go the way Katya wants this to go.

What does she look like now? Is she different in the way that Katya is? Will it still work? They’ve always been so close, what if that doesn’t work anymore? Chemistry changes. What if this does too?

Ideas have always had a habit of running recklessly around Katya’s head. She can subdue them now, if the need arises. This is one of those times that Sasha would tell Katya to balance herself, to breathe. She does. She recovered doing that, she calmed down whilst breathing and thinking of her friends. She built strength that way, breath by breath.

Right now, she’s content. She’s had a lot of time alone, she knows how to handle that. The room isn’t too overwhelming, even if the couch isn’t that comfortable. There’s worse things. In fact, there’s a lot worse.

It’ll be okay. She closes her eyes and a smile crosses her lips. The worst case scenario isn’t a dead end. She’s proven that to herself now. He thought she was powerless, he used her like she was. She isn’t. She is everything but weak. It’ll be okay is an understatement. Anything is fixable, even if Katya didn’t believe that.

She’ll fix whatever she has to mend. If her family need to repair their bond to her, so be it. If Trixie needs to just be friends, or if she needs to never see Katya again, she’ll deal. It’ll hurt. But, there’s worse things.

However, despite everything, there’s no words to describe how much she wants to devour the taste of vanilla again.

Why is she waiting? Why is she remaining dormant in this room? She can’t be passive anymore, she’s ripped herself into pieces doing that.

All of a sudden, her energy bursts into her. She has to do something. There’s so much. Call her parents? It’s too late. They wouldn’t be awake. Go wake up Violet? No. She doesn’t deserve that. Go for a walk? Maybe, but she can be more ambitious.

Trixie.

God, could she go to her? Would that make things worse? What if she doesn’t want to see her? She just doesn’t know. Where does Trixie even live? She moved again last week. They helped her move. Further away? Could she walk to her now? What does Trixie even look like now? Would she recognize her? Of course she would. People don’t change that much that quickly.

It’s been so long since she’s seen her. She’d do anything for an honest conversation. Anything.

Her body moves before her brain catches up with her. Suddenly, her feet are on the hard ground. The sensation of wood beneath her toes is overwhelming for a moment. Everything is overwhelming. She gets to choose when she sleeps, when she eats, who she talks to, when she gets to call her family. She can wear whatever she wants. The world belongs to her again. But where does she belong within it? Where can she go?

There’s only one place she wants to go; honest.

It’s just getting there will be a pain. What might cause an issue? Not actually knowing Trixie’s address? Pearl? Trixie potentially having grown to resent her? They’ve got to talk. She doesn’t want anything less. It has to happen right now. She can’t wait any longer.

Where could she find out where she lives? What sources does she have? For a moment, her head goes to the phone book. She could find out Trixie’s number, call her. Wait. It’s been a week. Maybe Violet will have Trixie’s place on her phone? She said they helped her move in. It might be.

She’d have to just sneak into Violet’s room and take her phone. She could find it. She grins. She could.

She makes a list in her head whilst she tiptoes to Violet’s room. Under her breath, she mutters a prayer that Violet isn’t completely fucking nude. There’s a lot of ways this could go wrong, what if they wake up?

Katya pushes it away.

She had enough gymnastics training that she should be able to move with a sort of elegance. The door creaks a tiny bit as she opens it. Her eyes have adjusted to the darkness. Max and Violet are asleep, completely wrapped around each other. For a moment, Katya stops. It’s a bit creepy, she supposes, it’s just nice to see Violet happy. She has her face on her pillow, whilst Max uses her as her own. The sense of safety is contagious. Katya smiles.

The phone is on Violet’s bedside table. It’s not exactly a shocker. She always put it there, and that kind of habit doesn’t die easily.

It’s easier than it should be to snatch it into her palm and exit the room. In fact, it’s oddly exciting to be doing something mischievous.

She can’t believe she’s doing this. She’s out. This is amazing. This is epic. She turns the phone on, thanking her stars that Violet doesn’t have a passcode. Checking the messages, she can’t help but feel the sting of wist when she reads Trixie’s name. The last thing Violet sent to her on private was left read but unanswered. It begs a question of to their dynamic now. Katya swallows at the sight of Violet’s promise to get everything sorted. Then, she checks the group chat.

Bingo.

An address, as a result of Ginger asking. Katya almost kicks in celebration. She could kiss the ground she’s standing on. This could happen. She can go, right now. She can see Trixie. Her heart races and she whispers her name.

“Trixie. Trixie Mattel. Trixie.”

That’s one hurdle then. She knows where to go. What next? She can’t go banging on the door and have Pearl answer. Oddly enough, she can imagine that wouldn’t go too well. She goes back to texts and messages Pearl.

Pearl (01:23): I need help. It’s urgent. Come to my place.

It’s simple and succinct. At least, it’s the most Katya can comprehend right now. She pulls on her shoes. Before she knows it, she’s by the door. There’s a grin on her face still and she can’t shake it. She can’t shake it. She doesn’t care about how she looks, what’s happened, how she got here. She isn’t lingering on the thoughts of her insecurities, or how much his bruises used to hurt. None of that matters in this moment.

She’s free.

Today’s been a difficult day. Pearl sighs as she flips over in bed again and again. Over and over. In fact, she’s over it.

Trixie wasn’t as bad as she could have been. She spent most of the day quiet, reserved. It wasn’t hard to guess where her thoughts were.

It used to be that Pearl would do anything to distract Trixie in moments like these, but she’s learnt it’s best to leave her. She’ll talk if she wants to. She’ll hug her if need be. Today hasn’t been one of those days. Trixie has drifted around; eyes cold and distracted, her steps all disjointed. Hopefully she’ll talk tomorrow.

The thought of that doesn’t help Pearl’s mind rest though. None of it does.

She hears her phone vibrate. Rolling over, she claws it off the side. It takes her a moment to adjust to the bright light before she reads the incoming message. Violet? What could be wrong enough that she’d message Pearl instead of Ginger? It has to be something up with Katya right? What else would have happened today?

Pearl’s made her allegiances. Trixie is Pearl’s priority, not Katya.

When she tries to call, Violet doesn’t pick up the phone. Pearl bites her nails when the voicemail kicks  in. That’s unusual for Violet at the most of times, she usually turns her phone off when she’s asleep or working. It wouldn’t have rung. Well of course it’s on, she just messaged her. Why didn’t she answer then?

Pearl sits up. She tries to call again, and it doesn’t work this time either. She runs a hand through her hair.

What could it be? Maybe she didn’t even mean to send it to her, perhaps the intended recipient was Ginger. Maybe even Fame? They all know that she has her limits with Katya. It hasn’t been kept a secret. There are things she doesn’t understand, won’t understand. Forgiveness doesn’t come that easy to her. It’s not completely in her nature.

She sighs. If Violet needs her, then she’ll go. She won’t help Katya, but she’ll help Violet. She pulls on clothes, shoes. After taking a second to look in the mirror, she nods away her insecurity and takes a deep breath. She thinks back on the person she was whilst she leaves the flat as quietly as possible so that she doesn’t wake up Trixie.

Katya leaves the flat quietly. She’s used to seeing in the darkness now. Each unaccompanied step feels like a weight off of her shoulders. She could do anything she wanted, nothing is out of the realm of possibility. Isn’t that just a little bit amazing?

She runs down the stairs, the wind shooting past her arms. The impact of the ground against her feet makes her feel completely alive, it’s like a heartbeat. There’s a splinter of pain running up her shins, her laughter wheezes out of her. The smokers cough has never fully gone away, even if her capacity to light a cigarette did.

She is alone in the city that she ran from, all those years ago. The city that poisoned her and cut her and set her on fire; the city that mentored her and loved her down to her bones. In so many ways, she loves it too. She loves it so much.

There are things she loves more.

It takes less time to get there than she thought it would. She doesn’t ruin the whole time, and her eyes are constantly on the lookout for Pearl. Then again, what does Pearl even look like now? She wouldn’t look that different, right? What’s Trixie going to look like? Everything she remembers about her ‘fiance’ floods back into her. There’s the taste of their kisses, there’s the feeling of her hair, the sound of her breath.

The building isn’t that tall. It’s pretty removed from everything. There’s people about, all of them looking firmly at the pavement. Then again, if that isn’t home Katya doesn’t know what is. She isn’t being watched. She just isn’t.

Pearl tried to call, she got the text. Now, Katya just has to hope this goes the smooth way where she doesn’t end up with a restraining order and with points on her parole. Actually, if this goes wrong this could be worse than a slap on the wrist.

Then again, what’s life without taking a fucking risk?

They have spent enough time apart. They have been enough. This ends, all this misery and pain that started all those years ago, right now. If it goes wrong, Katya will heal these wounds just like she has recovered from her old ones. She is strong enough. She has learnt to be strong enough.

She double checks the flat number on the back of her hand. She nods to herself, before walking full speed into the building. Each step is deliberate, there’s no panic. The world doesn’t need to be frantic. She doesn’t have to be out of breath for this.

Each stair is new. Each step is larger.

She has dreamt of this for years. There have been nights that never seemed to end where she would look upwards at the cracking ceiling and just think about this. It’s here. It barely feels real. How can it be?

But, it is.

This is Trixie’s door. At least, Katya fucking hopes it is. She doesn’t really have the energy to blag accidentally waking up a small family at this time in the morning.Knock. The next stage of her life, the next big decision and the next cliff hanger, it’s a knock away.

Her mind clears; all the pain, all the lies, the mistakes and the happy accidents leave. It’s this. There is nothing but this. She knocks, loudly. In fact, it’s barely a knock. It’s a bang. It’s a demand.

Her breath heaves in and out of her as she waits.

Jolted awake, Trixie immediately thinks she just had a nightmare. She doesn’t put too much thought into it, falling back onto her bedsheets and resting a hand over her eyes. Her breaths aren’t uneven and her skin isn’t sweaty. She frowns.

There’s another knock.

She doesn’t think her heart has ever stopped quite like that. Looking over, she takes note of the time. It’s three am. The remnants of sleep have immediately vacated her body. Something deep sets into her, it’s akin to fear. Panic. Who? Why?

She waits to hear Pearl rustle. It doesn’t happen. The thought crosses Trixie’s mind: it must be Pearl. She probably just forgot her key. It wouldn’t be the first time. That girl can still party like she’s twenty-one, although the hangover doesn’t go quite so quickly nowadays.

Trixie sighs before she gets out of bed, the fear in her chest dissipates. Tugging at the bottom of her shirt, she makes sure she’s not going to fall all over the place. As she walks, she kicks her shoes. She never really got to kick that habit, always being ready to run.

It’s a tepid night. Her exposed skin feels somewhat uncomfortably between hot and cold. Waking up after dark always brings back the bad feelings, the ones that she suppresses whenever she can.

She looks over her shoulder as she walks, and notices Pearl’s bedroom door is open. She can see her bed. Pearl is not in it. It must be her, has to be.

The thought doesn’t even cross her mind. Today’s been a stressful day, she can’t blame Pearl for having gone out to blow off steam.

Reaching the door, Trixie forces a smile onto her face. She’s been moody most of this week, and she honestly doubts a drunk Pearl wouldn’t get upset over being treated like it. The girl does have a habit for either taking too little blame or absolutely too much. They’re getting better at middle ground. It doesn’t always feel like Trixie helps. At this point, they both expect a little bit of irrationality from each other. Their circumstances haven’t exactly always been the most normal. This week hasn’t exactly been easy, for either of them. She opens the door.

It’s her eyes that catch Trixie first. They’re the same, exactly the same. The curve of Katya’s mouth is the same too. Her smile, Trixie can picture it, won’t have changed. Her hair is longer than when she last saw it. Her face is still as thin as it was, but she hasn’t lost weight. When Trixie blinks, she sees Katya as she was when she first met her. Katya’s molten metal that has cooled into steel, there is conviction in the gaze that is aimed only at Trixie. Only at her.

For a second, Trixie thinks she might pass out.

“You’re not Pearl,” Trixie breathes.

Katya smiles. She takes in how Trixie’s hair has changed, it’s a bit thinner now. She’s had layers removed, it just halos around her head before falling down to her shoulders. It used to be longer. There’s sleep in Trixie’s eyes, little bags under them too. In this dim light, her skin has a yellow pallor. It looks smooth. Her eyebrows are a slightly different shape. There’s a tiny patch of mascara residue on the corner of her right eye. Her lips are bare, they look a bit dry from this proximity. Katya’s eyes linger there.

“You’re not wrong,” Katya replies.

It takes Trixie a moment to comprehend the words, to properly absorb them. The tone of her voice is unchanged. God, she still sounds optimistic somehow. She nearly cries. However, tears don’t come. A blankness enters her head. What can she say? What is she supposed to do? This isn’t exactly how she’d envisioned this after all.

Katya stares back. There’s something in the moment. It feels like going to bed the day before a special occasion and being sick with excitement. She anticipates something globe stopping. In fact, she hopes something world changing does happen. It’s about time.

It’s been so long. The memories crash back. Trixie remembers running up those stairs to see him hurting her. She remembers before that, the day they met for example, their first coffee-date, their birthdays. After that, she recalls the aftermath of his abuse. There was the irrationality, the run, the chase, the kissing. Trixie remembers falling in love. In fact, she remembers how much she’d been in love throughout.

They’re here. It’s over. Or at least, it can be.

“I wish I had something witty to say,” Trixie whispers.

There’s an urge to touch her face, to reach out and just touch. Trixie wants to remember that body, she wants it all as fresh as possible in her mind. Everything she remembers, she wants to remember more of it. Everything.

“Me too,” Katya answers. She can feel her nerves screaming at her. Part of her wants to just sprint away and never come back. It’s not happening. She is better than that.

Trixie bites her lip. “It’s been fucking weird not having you about. I’ve cried, a lot.”

Smiling, Katya tilts her head to the side. “Did you miss me?”

The words take a second to seep into Trixie. The look on Katya’s face is completely serious, but there’s that factor to her eyes that screams mischief. It screams power. Like always, Trixie isn’t completely sure where she stands. She doesn’t mind. She never minded.

“You’re fucking with me right?” Trixie deadpans, raising an eyebrow. “You gotta be fucking with me.”

Katya laughs. It reverberates in Trixie’s soul. She flies through every emotion at once, all of her questions go with it. She’s left empty, peaceful.

“A little,” Katya admits. “If you missed me as much as I missed you, then you did a hell of a lot. A fuck ton, if you will.” She smiles, there’s a vulnerability to it. Internally, Trixie melts a little. “Did you?”

Every day of the last few years of her life has been dictated by that feeling, missing her. There’s been more of course. There’s been guilt, heartache, grieving, hurt, laughter, recovery and hope. Each feeling she’s felt, it’s had Katya influence it.

She’s nodding before she even has a sentence formed. “Yes. Of course I fucking did.”

After a second, Katya grins. “That potty mouth. Someone’s been living with Pearl-”

“Oh fuck off, you’ve been living in prison-” She’s cut off by Katya’s laugh. It’s that old one, with her head thrown back and no breath in her lungs. Trixie ends up laughing. “What? I’m right!”

“I mean, yes. You’ve got me there.” She’s got her in a lot of different ways too. She has her tongue-tied and hooked. Katya finds it hard to breathe.

Trixie smiles before she talks again. “Good.”

For a moment, they stare at eachother. All Katya can taste is vanilla and she isn’t even kissing her. She wants to be. She wants it so bad. She wants every bet they ever made to pay off. She’s worth a happy ever after, they both are. So, she’ll cut to the chase.

“Did you miss me in the same way?”

The words feel heavy on her heart when they leave her mouth. It’s loaded. It’s everything all at once. Necessary, it’s all dependant on this. It all comes to the surface. Everything she feels stays dormant, it hangs in wait for her.

Trixie sees the hope in Katya’s eyes. In her chest, she feels her heart squeeze. She’s worried. Every worry that Trixie has had is reflected in Katya. After all this time, they’re still the same. How would Trixie like to be reassured? Right now, what would she want to hear? Quickly inhaling, she takes a little pause before speaking.

Trixie smiles; Katya, almost shyly, smiles back. “I’ve gotten damn good at pushing people away, gotten absolutely fantastic at feeling alone, but I still want you close. You’ve been who I thought of when it got bad, when I’m sad, all that stupid shit. I’ve missed having you by my side to make me laugh, to make me feel better, to make me feel stronger. You bring out the best in me.” A part of her wants to reach out and cup Katya’s face. She doesn’t want to scare her, she reaches out and, slowly, takes her hand. It’ such a foreign yet familiar touch. It derails her thoughts and she has to sigh to regain them. “I missed being honest, did you?”

Everything crashes at once. All the pain, the excitement, the dread and the disappointment, it screams in Katya’s ears. She wants to shout. She nearly cries.

“I did,” she confesses. The deceit has been piled up for so long, so ingrained in her behaviour. She swallows. “I don’t regret it; that was my choice.”

Katya sees some of the light leave Trixie’s eyes. “I regretted it, sometimes. I shouldn’t have let you do it. Do you know how much it sucked? Like, it really sucked.”

A space in Katya’s ribcage constricts. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” slips out of Trixie. She bites her lip for a moment. “It wasn’t like we had a lot of choices. You could have talked to me about what you planned-”

“I should have-”

“I’m not going to spend another year whining about something we can’t change. I’m so done with that. I’m done with bad shit happening and just having to cope. I’m done with lying. I’m done. I want you to come home, I want it to be over.”

Home. Katya hears that damn word over and over again. It’s her personal little ghost. She is the woman that poisoned the idea of belonging for herself more times than ought to be possible. Where the fuck is home? It follows her.

The way Trixie said that word, with so much ease. Katya thinks she could believe it. This time, she could believe it. Could this be it? Could Katya come home?

She blinks at Trixie for a moment. Trixie’s smile is hopeful, her shoulders slightly raised. So much has changed. She feels exactly the way she felt when she saw her last, being escorted from a courtroom. There’s tears in her eyes. She remembers the breaking up of all of the devastation by Trixie’s small gesture. How did she doubt this?

“I love you,” Katya whispers. “I still love you.”

Trixie’s smile grows a little bit. Katya can see that she’s close to crying too, but both of them are holding on. It’s close.

Reaching out, Trixie slowly pulls Katya to her. They embrace. Katya feels herself melt into it. It’s like adding water to a burn. She eases.

Trixie mutters her answer into Katya’s neck. “I love you too.”

It’s easy to linger there for a moment. They pull away slightly. With caution, Katya allows her hand to reach up and clasp at Trixie’s jaw. There’s a hesitant second, their eyes meeting. Katya falls further in. She leans in and Trixie meets her halfway. It’s delicate at first, just lips. It moves into more. Katya tastes vanilla and she almost wants to sob. They fought so hard for this, there’s so much they had to go through. Katya didn’t even know what sacrifice was until all of this happened. It paid off.  They stop to pant breaths. The air is cold. The hallway outside Trixie’s flat is eery in it’s quietness.

Trixie runs a lock of Katya’s hair through her fingers. Katya thinks back to the last time they had a private moment, all that transpired in that last hotel room.

“Do you still have the bucket list?” Katya asks. Trixie nods, the movement lightly hits Katya’s forehead. Katya smiles. “Do you still wanna marry me?”

A more insistent nod this time. Trixie smiles back. “Yeah. Why not?”

Katya laughs and Trixie laughs too. It feels natural. It’s nice. At the end, Trixie pecks another kiss onto her lips. Neither of them ever want to stop again.

Pearl knocks the door harder on the third time. Why the fuck isn’t anybody answering? What kind of next level shit is this? She hears movement at last. She rolls her eyes. It’s fucking cold. She was told this was urgent.

The door opens. It’s Violet, looking mildly startled.

“What’s up?” Pearl asks.

Violet frowns. “What the fuck do you mean ‘what’s up’?”

They stare off in silence for a moment. Pearl blinks, trying to connect the dots of this odd fucking practical joke.

“Um, you texted me?” Pearl states. She shuffles her feet, resting a hand on the back of her neck. “Said you needed me? Urgently?”

Violet squints at her, shaking her head slightly. “Are you high?”

It crosses Pearl’s mind to say ‘almost always’, but it doesn’t feel completely well timed to the moment.

“No. I’m not. I haven’t been drinking either. Are you?” Pearl demands. This has been a long enough day already, it doesn’t need to be prolonged. This is what she gets for trying to not be a dick, she guesses.

“Violet! Is that Katya?”

Pearl is familiar enough with Max as a person now to hear the forced calm in it. It’s monotone. If Pearl is familiar with it, Violet preempts it. She sighs.

“No. She’s gone isn’t she?” Violet says back at normal volume. After a moment, Max appears at the door. Her eyes widen slightly upon spotting Pearl.

“Katya isn’t in the flat. Pearl, what are you-”

Violet sighs again. She should have seen this one coming. That bitch was always fucking intuitive.

“Katya messaged her and told her to come over pretending to be me,” Violet concludes. The other two look at her, connecting the dots.

Violet stares softly at Pearl when her eyes widen in panic. Quickly, Pearl starts walking away.

“I left Trixie alone-”

The walk turns into a run. It takes a second for Violet’s tired bones to figure out how to move quickly, but she pulls on shoes and runs after Pearl. A quick instruction to lock the flat is whispered harshly to Max on the way, who was already halfway through doing so.

It doesn’t take long to catch up to Pearl. She’s waiting on the sidewalk, presumably for a cab.

“Katya won’t hurt her,” Violet opens.

Pearl jumps. She lets her guard down when she spots it’s Violet. “I know. But I left her by herself. If Katya stirs shit up, I won’t forgive myself-”

“You came because I thought I needed you,” Violet interjects. “You can forgive yourself for the fact you have a kind heart.”

The attempt to calm Pearl down goes unnoticed. Pearl continues to rant. “She barely even talks about Katya, yet alone if she wants to see her. I called home and nobody answered so she’s probably asleep. She should stay that way. God-”

“Giving yourself a heart attack won’t change this.” Violet punches Pearl lightly on the arm. Finally, Pearl stops talking and looks just at Violet. “I’ll come with you to yours, we’ll figure this out. It’ll be alright, Pearl.”

There’s a moment when Violet thinks it didn’t work, but then Pearl takes a large breath. “I just worry about her.”

“I know,” Violet agrees. “I do too. It’s good.”

Another breath, Pearl nods. “I know.”

It’s when she yawns that Violet spots the bags under her eyes, larger than Violet’s are. Selfless, Violet realizes. It took a friend, not a lover. She smiles.   “You’re gunna make a damn good girlfriend to somebody someday, you know that?”

The taxi arrives and the three of them pour into it. It feels like millennia until they’re finally at Pearl’s. Each step feels like a mountain. It’s decades until Pearl is putting her key in the door and opening it and turning on the lights.

There’s clothes everywhere. It only takes Violet a minute to spot that some of them belong to her.

“Was it like this when you left it?” Max asks, a small bit of disgust in her voice.

Pearl deadpans. “No.” She bites her lip. “What the-”

“I think I know what’s going on, but let me be the one to check. Stay here.”

Violet leaves. She doesn’t bother to listen to the two small complaints, they’ve had worse things happen to them. Tip-toeing through the debris, she makes her way to Trixie’s room. The door is slightly ajar and, with a gentle tap, it makes further open.

Katya’s head is positioned on the top of Trixie’s stomach, Trixie’s hand dormant in Katya’s hair. They are both asleep. The room is more of a mess than the rest of the flat, one side having been haphazardly cleared with all of the contents strewn onto the floor. One draw has been ripped open and left on the floor. There is an old, folded piece of paper and a ring box on the top of it. Out of curiosity, Violet looks quickly at her friend’s hands. The only hand not visible is Katya’s left, which is under the bedsheets that only half cover the two of them.

It is only when Violet looks at their faces, spotting the utter looks of peace, that she smiles.

“No fucking way,” comes from behind Violet. She snaps around, spotting Pearl with a hand over her mouth.

Violet shushes her, receiving a glare in response. She pushes on Pearl’s shoulder, leaves the room and closes the door behind her.

Trixie wakes up. She blinks in the harsh light. Having a body next to her confuses her for a moment, then she remembers.

Katya.

It doesn’t feel real. She’s waiting for the horrific realization that she’s still dreaming, that it was a lie. Surely she has years left to wait?

She’s here. She’s really here. Looking down, Trixie sees the ring she bought on Katya’s hand. They’re doing this. She takes her hand, playing a little bit with her fingers. She exhales. For the first time in a long time, it feels like she can breathe. It feels like she woke up happy.

She closes her eyes again, allowing herself to sink into the moment.

In her head, she quietly lists their bucket list. She has the whole thing basically memorized at this point. Is that a possibility now?

It didn’t even take any convincing. They both seemed to be on the same page. They talked, they decided, Katya put the ring on and they were kissing again. It felt so good to kiss. She forgot to even be shy. In that moment, she was thinking about everything and nothing at all.  

Katya’s breath hitches in her sleep. Trixie chuckles to herself. She pulls some of Katya’s hair behind her ear before returning to her resting position.

“I missed you so much,” Trixie confesses. Katya remains silent, still asleep.

The truth feels good leaving her body. It feels like a weight lifted. It feels like removing a knife from a wound. Easier to breathe, she falls back into sleep.

The next morning the two sleep in. Nothing startles them awake, no guards, no police. It’s silent. Katya doesn’t feel like talking, it feels like enough has been said.

Around midday, there’s a knock at the door and a shout to ‘put some fucking clothes on’. The amusement in Violet’s voice is crystal clear. Katya finds herself not threatened, the moment feeling far too close to regularity. There’s laughter in the hallway. Trixie can place Ginger’s cackle from a mile away.

“Do they know?” Trixie asks.

Katya’s heart races at that thought. Panic sets in. Breathe.

“I’m ready to be honest, or like, I’m ready for a telenovela style cat fight in which we all make out at the end.”

Trixie nods along like nothing Katya said was even slightly odd. “Are you scared?”

Katya shakes her head immediately. “Don’t want to be anymore.”

They get dressed in silence. Katya borrows some of Trixie’s clothes without asking. The noise in the other room gets louder, there’s a radio playing. It feels like a party.

“Are you ready?”

Trixie is stood by the door when she asks. She bites her lip. Katya takes a moment to look at her. So much about Trixie is unchanged, they’re young. Katya knows they can still be young. They have time. They can live now.

“Ready.”

Reaching out, she takes Trixie’s hand as they walk into the next room.

Fame doesn’t bawl. Instead, she just grins at Katya as she greets her. Katya didn’t know what she’d expected, but it wasn’t something so contained. She seems content. The sight brings Katya just a little bit more peace.

Ginger doesn’t cry the second time around; she just holds Katya closer than ever before. For a second, Katya wonders if she’ll ever breathe again.

Kim’s cooking with a person Katya has only become acquainted with through photos. Naomi. They’re introduced. Katya notices the extra skip in Kim’s step, how her smile is larger than Katya’s ever seen it.

A little bit pissed off at the messy flat, Pearl ribs Katya before she says anything else. She notices how Pearl’s eyes linger on the hand holding between her and Trixie. She senses the reluctance. When Pearl hugs her, she whispers in her ear. “If you hurt her, I’ll hurt you. I’ll fuck you up.” Katya doesn’t doubt the sincerity, she bites her lips and nods. She isn’t going to try to.

Max appears next. She immediately complains about her absence, the worry she caused. It isn’t lingered on for long. A welcome back is repeated. It warms Katya again. There’s a reluctance in Max, a stiffness compared to how she used to act with Katya, and Katya grimaces.  She apologizes quickly, for anything she went through because of her. Max’s mouth drops open. “Heavens, no. I should apologize to you-” Katya cuts her off there. It takes a minute to get Max to listen to her, but Katya squeezes Max’s hand through it. She values how she’s helped her friends to the end of the world and back. She shouldn’t ever apologize.

Violet pops up, jabbing her in the ribs and calling her a bitch before things get too deep. Katya laughs. She really really laughs and Trixie laughs with her. It’s the stupid little things like that which she’s always grateful for. It’s what she missed.

The next thing Katya knows they’re all eating breakfast together. It’s how it used to be, in some ways. It’s so different simultaneously. She notices how Pearl’s looks to Violet aren’t kept secret anymore, there’s an affection in that gaze that goes deeper than a crush ever could. Max keeps a loose arm around Violet, never restricting her too much. Fame grins like a teenager whenever her boyfriend is brought up. Kim rips into everybody, kinder than she might be used to be.

There were so many points when Katya and Trixie thought they couldn’t have this again; it had all got too messed up by an ex or a wound or the rest of their past. They both realize they shouldn’t have worried. Trixie still feels her guilt up to her chest, but there’s enough love in her life to numb the pain. Katya doesn’t know a lot about what will happen. She knows she has to sort things out with everybody in more detail, there are talks that must be made, tension that must be easied and words had. Right now, what she has is enough. When Katya looks around, she realizes that she’s finally home.

Years pass. The list changes: 

• Get married.

• Go to Miami. and LA!  (I wanna go back :-( )

• Get surfing lessons. (Katya cheats at surfing) (How can you cheat at surfing? Ever heard of natural aptitude? Love you x)

• GET A CAT! + Dog(s) + Friendly Lizard?  (Marx the cat, Dolly and Astaire are the dogs) (I'm going to adopt my lizard Svetlana when you least expect...)

• Actually cook something half decent. I can cook. You’re just bad.

• Teach Trixie (the hotter one) Russian (Broken and impractical) and French (Ditto) (I got you to be a particularly good student ;-) x )

• Teach Katya (the hotter one) guitar and tap dancing, and make up.  (she could already do make up, tap dancing wasn't worth the effort, guitar wasn't successful either)

• Learn first aid (practical and necessary) 

• Have sex at least once with one of us using a strap on whilst pretending to be The Rock.  (Wasn't as hot as planned, hilarious though)

• Move somewhere and paint the bedroom pink (I want a red bathroom. At least one Russian flag. I have a heritage)

• Speaking of, can I name at least one pet after a Russian gymnast?  Friendly Pretty Bitchy Independant Guard Lizard would really suit Svetlana.

• Open a yoga studio (I mean, probably not ever going to happen. But we can dream?)

• Get a proper engagement ring.

• Get bored of vanilla? (Never xx)