Chapter Text
Sitting in the back of a cab is so boring! I try to endure it for a while (Ok, it was five minutes.), but soon, I'm too bored, and I stick my head into the front. "It's getting kinda lonely back here," I comment as way of warning before squeezing my way to the front. "Ok, ow! Squished my boob! Ow!"
When I finally get situated in the front seat, the driver offers a hand for a handshake. "Dopinder."
"Pool. Dead. Lady. Wait, that got confusing. Lady Deadpool," I introduce myself, shaking his hand. (And GOD is his handshake weak! Like a kitten!) As I start to settle back into the seat, I notice a picture of a woman. A very pretty woman. "Nice!"
"It smells good, no?"
What? Oh, he thinks I mean the airfreshener. Now that he mentions it.. Wait, no, bad Deadpool! Don't get distracted! "Not the Daffodil Daydream, sweetie. The girl."
"Ah, yes, Gita. She would have made me a very agreeable wife, but, um… Gita’s heart has been stolen by my cousin Bantu. He is as dishonorable as he is attractive."
"I give it a week," I reassure him. "Take it from a lady who's been there. The hot assholes seem great at first, but with enough time, we realize, 'hey, I deserve to be treated better!' And then we find a nice lesbian stripper and settle down. Wait, that last part may be just me. What was my point again? Oh yeah, don't give up on her. Hold onto hope and the love you feel for her, tight. When you lose that... The world turns dark and empty and all you think about is murder. That may also be just me."
"You are very wise, Miss Pool!" Dopinder is staring at me with something like awe. "Your husband chose very well."
"Ex-fiance, and she was a woman. And she made a shitty choice. Trouble is my middle name. Kidding. It's Winifred. My mom hated me."
"Well I think she chose well." He pauses, looking over at me. "So, why the fancy red suit, Miss Pool?"
"Oh, that’s because it’s Christmas Day, Dopinder. And I’m after someone on my naughty list. I’ve been waiting one year, three weeks, six days, and oh…" I pause, checking my watch. (Adventure Time!) "Fourteen minutes to make him fix what he did to me."
"And what did he do to you?"
I look at him, deciding if I should explain, or just show him. I picked show. "This shit." With that, I lifted my mask to show my hideously deformed face. "Boo!"