Chapter Text
You despised Mihael Keehl as soon as you took a look at him.
You hated how everyone saw him as the genius, the great child prodigy, the person who would eventually succeed the infamous L Lawliet - the greatest detective in the world. It was all a bunch of bullshit that everyone except you seemed to believe. He didn't deserve the praise he always got, you thought. You knew you were smarter than him, you were completely sure of that. Every single time you looked at him you didn't see the glorious detective, the Sherlock Holmes, the individual who'd solve hundreds of different cases like they were a piece of cake - you just saw a lazy brat, who didn't care about anything other than his stupid chocolate. You were a much better choice for a potential successor - you somewhat got along with Nate, unlike him, who hated the boy and couldn't go a day without starting a fight with him about something that really didn't matter. You solved every mind puzzle and task with ease, even when most struggled. You were analytical, you were observant, you always thought things through - qualities that Mihael didn't seem to possess, and if he did, he didn't show them very often. You knew that because you prefered to observe him rather than talk to him, and his inexperience showed in the way he stood and behaved. He was a foolish kid, not a genius. Despite that, he still climbed up the ladder while you stayed where you always were - below him. You were a peasant crawling in the mud, while he was a deity everyone seemed to worship. He ate ambrosia and surronded himself with other equally as godly beings and you were pointlessly running after him, a mortal desperately wishing to be a god. And only one question rang through your mind, loud and clear, while the dirt suffocated you, taunted you, laughed at you.
How does a mere mortal suddenly become a god?
Most would agree that it's a seemingly impossible thing to do, but after the reveal of Kira's identity, who had been Light Yagami all along and the terrifiying way he had played God for years, with nobody stopping him, a lot of people would hesitate when answering that question. It shocked everybody that such a young, promising and ambitious man could be the mass murderer that striked fear in every single living person's heart - criminal or not. It was horryfing to think that the accomplished and “kind” Light, loved and respected by all, would turn out to be a cold-hearted psychopath, who used his good looks and manipulative tactics to fool everyone around him - even his own family. Whether you supported Kira or not, nobody could deny that it taught the world a very important lesson - even the most perfect people can hide the darkest secrets.
Unlike the rest of the world though, you weren't surprised. You had a strong suspicion that Light was Kira, because you were leading your own Kira investigation, which Watari hadn't approved of, but for the first time in your life you decided to throw obeying rules out the window for the sake of helping humanity. But in the end, you didn't do anything - you weren't the saviour of humanity who solved the case that even the great detective L couldn't manage to finish. Mihael (or Mello as he liked to be called nowadays) defeated you again. Once when you were teenagers and now when both of you were grown adults. After all that hard work, after everything you did to try and solve this, you failed to prove yourself once again. If you had just one more hard evidence that Light was Kira you would have won. If you had just a little bit more time, you were sure Mello wouldn't have ended up as the hero that cornered God. But life that's spent in meaningless "what ifs" isn't truly a life. You had to face the bitter truth.
You didn't save humanity.
You didn't prove yourself.
You were a failure.
And being a failure was even worse than death in your eyes.
You were wrong about Mello. All those years of resentment towards him were nothing in the long run, because L had made the right choice by choosing him to be his successor and not you. Even if it cost him Near, even if it cost him Matt, even if it cost him his own flesh being scarred for life, Mello still won. The angry, impulsive and painfully inexperienced boy you had always hated had solved the world's most difficult case. The boy who you were convinced you were more than, smarter than, ended up outsmarting you. You had to admit, the blind hatred you once held turned into a begrudging respect as you saw what he was truly capable of while working on the Kira case. The fearlessness you only saw little hints of while you were kids and thought of as just boyish recklessness ended up being his greatest weapon. That, combined with his intelligence made him win. You didn't have that. You didn't have the guts to kidnap a famous TV host, you didn't have the guts to put your own life on the line, you didn't have the guts to blow up a building you were in just to prevent your enemies from escaping - you were a plain old coward. An extremely intelligent one, but still a coward. That, you realised, was the big difference between you and Mello. Nevertheless, you were still determined to solve the case first, even if you didn't hate him as much as you did in the past. You didn't know if he even remembered you - if your name was just a hazy memory, if your face was blurry and unrecognisible. Even if he didn't remember you, you promised yourself you'd make him remember by winning and dragging yourself out of the hole you'd been buried in since you were a child - always behind him, always the second choice.
But you didn't keep your promise. You were still a cowardly mortal. You were still overlooked, you were still weak. You were still longing for greatness, a thing you were doubting you'd even achieve at this point. Why bother trying when Mello will always be one step ahead? There was no point. Mello had always been better, even if you refused to admit it.
You felt a dull hollowness in your chest when the news of Kira’s identity got revealed to the public. You knew the information would be given to the press, because it was Mello after all – of course he’d make the whole thing public. You didn’t gasp in shock, you didn’t let out a victorious cry that the monster had finally been caught, you only felt the weight, the emptiness, that had been there since you started working on the case, weigh you down, bit by bit, piece by piece. The hollowness never truly went away, even now, 1 year after Light’s death and Kira’s defeat. It was a daily reminder of your failure, that you had the potential, but you were still not good enough to be L’s successor. You were still not good enough as Mello, no matter how hard you worked.
Looking back on it now, maybe you should have tried to work with Mello. Maybe you should have swallowed your pride and admitted you needed his help, despite your jealousy. Maybe you would have succeeded with his help. You’d be the second Near, the brains, the mastermind – and he’d be the one that took action. You’d still get to be L’s successor without having to put yourself in harm’s way. It was a decent plan. But you doubted he’d agree to that – Mello didn’t let anybody control him or tell him what to do, and you were pretty sure he’d only see you as an annoying stranger, rather than a person from his childhood.
And yet, here you were now, clutching your phone in your hands, in the middle of your apartment, debating whether or not you should call him. You’d gotten his phone number a while ago but you always tried to stop the strong urge to contact him – human interaction and company is what every human craves deep down, but you were a Wammy’s kid, which meant you were not really a human at all – you were a computer, designed to observe every single detail and not get attached to anything or anyone.
But your programming seemed to break down more and more, after Kira’s defeat. You wanted somebody, anyone, to talk to, to keep you company, to simply be there. Your childhood rival seemed like the best option. You couldn’t think of anybody, other than him, that could satisfy the growing hunger for normality and peace. Everyone else you knew was dead. But that’s what always tended to happen. Everyone in your life had not cared enough to stay. You didn’t have anyone – you never had. Was it really such a big deal if you deviated from your original design, if you gave in to the uncontrollable urge just this once? Was it such a sin for the apathetic robot to try and find the humanity within itself? You weren’t Near or L, whose emotions were almost non-existent and in the rare cases they showed any kind of feelings, they were quick and hard to spot. As much as you hated to admit it, you were more like Mello – whose angry glare could be spotted from a mile away and whose emotions were a never-ending battle. It was almost refreshing to see how different he was compared to everyone else when you first started living at Wammy’s house. He brought color and eccentricity to the usually passive and stoic feeling associated with the Wammy kids.
The harsh light coming from the phone in the dark living room, made you squint. You let a shaky breath. Your brain was screaming at you to stop being so nervous, but your body didn’t seem to listen. There was nothing scary about this – you were just checking up on a childhood friend. Or a rival.
This shouldn’t go that bad, right? At worst, he’d just hang up.
You almost chickened out as you hit the “Call” button, but you forced yourself to put the phone to your ear, your sweaty hands shaking.
Why were you so nervous? Was Mello that important to you or did you just have social anxiety?
After three rings, he picked up. You swallowed. It was ironic how the person you used to despise most, you were now scared to talk on the phone to. Your younger self would be livid at you.
“Who’s this?” he immediately said, like he was expecting some kind of criminal to be on the other side. You couldn’t really blame him though, because you had heard rumors he had gotten involved with the mafia right after he left Wammy’s house. He probably still had the habit of always being careful, the mafia life having rubbed off him.
Although you were mostly shocked at how deep and smooth his voice was – it was nothing like the boy’s high pitched voice you remembered him having. You almost thought you had called the wrong phone number for a moment, but the sharpness in his voice made you completely sure it was Mello.
“Is that a way to greet an old friend, Mihael?” You answered, deciding to sit on the couch, hoping it might help your trembling legs.
Mello went silent after that, obviously trying to figure out who you were. You let him think, and after a second he said your name quietly like he couldn’t believe what was happening, the harsh tone completely gone. You felt a flutter in your stomach, which you passed off as just nerves.
“I thought you died.” He whispered, and you felt like your eyes were about to pop from their sockets.
“Wow, great way to start the conversation. Why the hell would you think that?” You asked, absolutely bewildered.
You heard a creaking on the other end, so you guessed that Mello had sat down. You wondered what he looked like now. Did he have the same blond locks or had he dyed his hair? Had his hair grown longer or was it at the same length? Was he skinnier? Taller? Was his love for chocolate and leather still as strong as it had been before? Had his face changed? Had his personality changed? You doubted it.
“You vanished from the face of the earth! I obviously thought something happened to you.” Mello responded and you swore you heard him tear a wrapper open.
You chuckled, feeling the anxiety that was seeping through you just moments before slowly fade.
“I guess you’re right, but big surprise – I’m alive.” You responded, smiling. Why the hell were you so happy?
“I’m… glad you are. After everything that happened with, y’know, Matt and Near, I really don’t want another person to die on me.” He said, as he took a bite out of something that you guessed was chocolate.
“Aw, the great detective cares about me. Thank you for the kind words, new L.” You teased, petting your cat that had jumped on your lap, obviously desperate for some warm cuddles. You were happy to give her what she wanted, running your hands through her fur.
You heard Mello’s tongue click.
“Shut up.” Was all he said, his words accompanied by chewing sounds.
You giggled. God, you missed human interaction. Or maybe you just missed him. You hoped it was the former. You refused to have a crush on him. You respected him. That was all.
“What? You’re technically the new L after the whole Kira fiasco. Good job on that one by the way, smartass.” You fired back, raising an eyebrow even though he couldn’t see you, rubbing your cat’s stomach affectionately.
“Yeah, yeah, I know. You done pestering me yet?” He said in a way which sounded like he didn’t want to be reminded of the Kira case and you almost shuddered at the way his voice sounded. Has it been that long since you two saw each other?
No. Stop it. Get it together. Stop thinking about him.
“Hm, not really. I like annoying you.” You replied.
Mello sighed.
“I know. Is that why you called me? To annoy me?” He asked through a mouthful of chocolate.
You suddenly remembered why you had called him in the first place and the sudden anxiety came back as quickly as it had left.
“No, actually. I…I called to ask if you wanted to get together with me for a little bit. Y’know, since we haven’t seen each other, I thought it’d be nice if we went out. Not like on a date or anything… just uh, outside. Yeah. Outside.”
Your cat meowed as you closed your eyes in embarrassment.
What the fuck was that?
You wanted the earth to swallow you whole. This was probably more embarrassing when you told L that he looked like a spooky ghost when he came to visit when you were 10.
He was probably going to hang up and never talk to you again. You wouldn’t blame him.
You bit your lip waiting for his response, completely ignoring the squirming cat on your lap.
After approximately 5 seconds of silence (yes, you counted), you heard a deep chuckle on the other end.
“Sure.” Another loud bite of chocolate. “I don’t have any urgent cases, so why not? Besides, I want to see you.”
You felt like fireworks had gone off inside your head. You couldn’t properly explain how much relief you felt, how your breath hitched when he said that, how much adrenaline had rushed through your veins from a simple phone call. You didn’t know why, but you realized right there and then you’d run across the whole entire fucking US just to be able to see him again.
You smiled, and that was another thing you couldn’t quite explain – how happy you were that you were feeling something after being numb for so long. It felt exhilarating. Calling Mello was the right choice after all.
“I want to see you too. Would it be alright if I texted you the details later? I’m a bit busy right now.” You said, your voice shaky. You were completely lying – you weren’t busy at all, but you felt like you’d need screaming into a pillow for roughly 30 minutes to calm you down.
“Always so polite. Yeah, that’s fine.” He answered.
“Alright. I’m glad I talked to you.” You said, and you suddenly felt like the whole world had went quiet, only you and Mello in it. You liked the feeling.
“Me too.”