Chapter Text
Before the Blip.
"Life was a willow and it bent right to your wind."
The knock at my door startled me. I wasn't expecting company, as I never had any besides family. What was expected to be a rushed aunt turned out to be a visit from my past. Here he was, in the flesh standing awkwardly on my front porch. A mixed look of relief and anxiety crossing his tired face, a face I was so in love with, a face that had changed only slightly in the time since I last saw it. Each curve and wrinkle I knew of was still in place, but a fresh face of stubble accompanying a short haircut had me taken back only slightly. He was clean, clothes were newer looking, he was eating and sleeping, and almost taking care of himself now. Late nights in the lab didn't look the way he did standing on my porch.
"Robert Bruce Banner."
"Ashlynn Grace Rose." My God, I loved and loathed my name coming out of his mouth.
The thought of him having my address and standing on my porch had always crossed my mind, but I expected it to go differently than it was actually going. I expected an immediate embrace, an apology, and a happily ever after. That is, after all, what I truly wanted, in my heart anyways.
"How did you-"
"Steve is still a close friend of mine, we work together often. I came to-well, I came to see you." He was awkward in his approach, hesitant to mention Steve had given away what was supposed to be a secret from them all.
"You just came to see me?" I raised my brow in suspicion. I was confused as this wasn't something that I had ever actually expected to happen. Sure, I wanted and imagined and daydreamed the scenario, but I expected my life going unchanged, and this scene never happening.
"There's more to it, really. I think we owe each other a lot, if I'm being honest. Do you have a moment?" He takes as step forward, hope lingering in every word.
"I can push back some work, it's fine. Come on in, I guess." I open the door wider for him to walk in. I stare at the quinjet in the middle the field, my mind hazy. Bruce slowly makes his way in, taking in every possible sight he can. Due to some obvious heartbreak and trauma, my taste in just about everything had changed. He definitely notices. I realize I'm still in my pjs, so I quickly grab a sweater from the nearest closet, hiding myself from him more than I already have. I walk him towards the kitchen and gesture to the kitchen table. As he sits, I walk to the fridge.
"Care for a drink? Hungry? I've got chocolate croissants in the oven." I bend over and crack the oven open, the sweet aroma of chocolate hitting every sweet note in my nose.
"Water, please." Another awkward silence as I pour him a glass. I walk over and had it to him, heading to the other end of the table to sit.
"I never expected to see you again, Bruce. I thought that when I left, it would be the end."
A moment of since. A simple beat. His eyes never meet mine as he asks; "Why did you leave, Ashlynn?"
I was taken back, truly. Had he not known that I knew about his mistakes? The way I watched him fall in love with another woman right in front of me? The way I teleported away and never looked back again, abandoning everything in the tower and restarting my life in France with my family. I couldn't bring myself to speak for what seemed like hours, but finally, I found myself laughing. Giggling like a little school girl.
"What the hell is so funny?"
"What do you MEAN what's so funny, Bruce? You're the funny one! Asking me WHY I left!" I continue to giggle violently, shaking my head. It takes a minute but I finally stop laughing. I look up at him and find a face full of grief. He aged in the moments since I last look dat him. Now, he really looked tired. More than tired. He was on the verge of crying. Exhaustion pushing those tears closer to the edge of his eyes. My face dropped as I realized he hurt too. He hurt as bad a is did when I saw him kiss her.
"You kissed Natasha."
"I-"
I stop him with my hand. "You started to fall for her at the party where Ultron showed up. I could sense it, I could see it. I disappear here for a few days and you're off doing God knows what with her and the others on Clint's farm. Then I come back, come to help you fight that monster, and you two KISSED. You thought you were alone with her, but I teleported to you, to help you, fight with you. BE with you, and you-"
"Ash-"
"BRUCE, you KISSED HER. I couldn't hear a fucking THOUGHT about me in your head, in that moment, or the one after. It was all HER." I practically jumped out of my seat, my heart in my throat. He stared in disbelief as the timer went off, breaking me from my trance.
"I don't know how to explain. I really don't. That was a lapse in judgement." He sighs, shaking his head. I slam the oven door and throw the pan on top, ripping the mitt off my hand.
"You're damn fucking right it was a lapse in judgement. A lapse that cost you me, us, our forever. You know, I've DREAMED about confronting you, forever. Since the moment it happened."
He stands up and starts to walk to me, holding his Hans out. "Ashlynn I'm sorry-"
"You SHOULD be."
"I really am. I really loved you. I cared about you, for you. I still do. You were the first person in a long time to treat me like a human. You were my first thought in the morning when I would wake up, and my last thought when I went to sleep. When I saw you disappeared after everything, all those years ago, I spiraled. I left."
"What do you mean you left?" I lean against the sink, worry setting in.
"I landed on an alien planet, and spent almost two years as Hulk." He stands across from me, leaning on the island across from me. I raise my brow, crossing my arms. "Thor helped me snap out of it. I helped him save Asgard from his sister, and then, well, I ended up back in New York. Actually, I've only been home for about a day. I don't have a ton of time here, really. We have a bigger issue."
"Two years as Hulk? How is that possible?" I shake my head.
"I'm not sure. You remember the way I explained us to you? The car analogy."
I nod.
"This time was different. He had the keys, and I was tied up in the trunk. I can't remember a thing that happened while he was present, but whatever it was, he enjoyed it." Bruce shrugs, looking away.
I change focus. "What's the bigger issue?"
He shakes his head. "I was going to ask you something, but never mind."
"Im so confused."
"About what?" He asks, looking up at me.
"Why are you her then?"
"Ashlynn, I still love you-"
"You what?" I gasp. I suddenly forget everything. My heart stops, almost skipping. I can feel my body start to shake as he looks down, licking his lips. Only his eyes come back up to mine, glistening with tears. I didn't even realize I had already started to cry as he starts to speak again.
"Every moment I'm Banner, I'm myself, you are right there in the front of my mind. You consume every moment I have. I go to sleep wondering if you're okay, if you're alive, if your powers have helped you or haunted you, how I wish I could hold you, kiss you, hear you playing the piano when I get off the elevator. I want to make every meal with you, sit on the couch and watch movies with you, I want to listen to your breathing as you sleep on my chest. I want to feel all the feelings you feel, no matter if they're good or bad."
At this point I'm sobbing, my mind is absolutely lost. I crumple to the ground, practically heaving. I feel a pair of arms wrap around me, pulling me into him. I sob as I try to muster the words I've waited so long to say.
"I HATE you, Bruce Banner. I hate that you've made me feel this way, I hate that you made me fall in love with you, that you treated me well and turned on me. I hate that I've never stopped loving you for a second, that I've wanted you to walk through that door everyday for YEARS and say those things to me. I hate the way I've never forgotten what your smile looks like, or the sound of my name out of your mouth." I stop for a brief moment, collecting myself and pushing myself off of him.
"Bruce, shooting me in the chest would've been less painful than seeing you with her. I have tried for YEARS to forget anything about you, ANYTHING. But I can't. I can't even forget your footsteps. I recognize them better than my own, and somehow, every night before bed, I prayed to god I would hear them coming down the hallway."
Bruce crawls over to me, taking my hands in his. I look up from my own sob fest to find him crying. Hard. Silent but powerful. I can see the hurt, the years of pain and torment he's suffered, pouring down his face like a waterfall. I reach my hand up and wipe away his tears. HIs eyes meet mine and he smiles, grabbing my hand and ever so lightly kissing it. I fall back into his arms and cry some more. After what feels like forever, we both seem to calm down. I continue to lay in his lap, playing with the shape of his hand.
"What are you thinking about?" He whispers softly, his lips just barely touching my ear. I look up to the window over the sink and see the dark clouds, thunder rubbing in the distance.
"I don't want you to go.." I can barely get the words out. "But I'm not sure if it's a good idea yet. To just act like nothing ever happened. I think I need some time, to process. I don't want to give this up forever, but I can't just jump back in." I sit up and turn half my body towards him. Bruce's eyes don't meet mine, but he nods in understand. The thunder claps closer, and suddenly the rain starts. Pouring, hitting the window like a million tiny bricks, making the most noise the room has heard in what seems like hours. I stand up offering him my hand. I grab a few croissants and walk us towards the stairs.
"Where are we going?" He sounds worried, most likely assuming the worst. I smile and walk us up the stairs. "Ashlyn, I can't-" he pulls his hand from mine and stops as I start to go up. I whip around and my face drops. He looks scared.
"Will you lay with me? Please? And eat something with me?" I move my hand and show him the croissants. He half smiles and shakes my head.
"I should get going."
"I think I would absolutely hate you if you did. But I won't force you to stay." I shrug and turn back continuing up the stairs. I get to the top and move so slow towards my room, walking in and flinging onto my bed. I lay for a moment, listening. I hear a noise, almost sounds like the door. I start to cry, but it stops the moment I hear it.
The steps.
His steps.
Bounding up the stairs, to me. To only me. I sit up and turn over, seeing him standing in the doorway, admiring the view. He walks towards the windows and pushes the curtains back.
"What a view you have up here. I could never get over a view like this." He stands for a while, his breathing slow. I lean back against the bed frame, munching on my very cold croissant.
Bruce finally turns back and walks towards the bed, taking his shoes and coat off, dropping them on the floor next to us. He crawls into bed, laying on his stomach next to me. The rain continues to patter on outside, the murky skies seemingly never end. He takes the other croissant from me and starts to eat. After a while we start to reminisce about life, everything we've done in the years since we last saw each other, face to face. Within an hour, a few bottles of wine had made their way up to my room and slowly emptied their way into our stomachs. I can't remember the last time I laughed this hard. It's almost 11:30 before we end up cuddled together under the covers, his arms wrapped tight around me.
"I missed you, every day." I whisper, my eyes drooping slowly.
"I missed you." Bruce murmurs. "Do you still want a break?"
"I think I do, just for the sake of clarity." I sigh, cuddling up closer, I feel his body get a bit rigid. He shifts down to lay on the pillow, and I wrap my arms around him, twirling my fingers through his hair. "But I think I want you Bruce, I think I want you to come back. To be here, with me. Live a simple life with me, away from everyone and everything. Would you like that?"
"Mmm, possibly. I'm not sure it's something everyone would enjoy, for me to just up and disappear."
"Then you get to decide how this goes. Tomorrow though, after we get some sleep." I kiss his forehead and curl into him, smelling his sweet scent.
"Ash, have you been reading my mind the whole time?" He asks quietly.
"No, in all honesty. Not at all. I trust what you're telling me." I look up at Bruce and smile, placing a peck on his nose. He kisses my forehead and my eyes flutter shut.
I wake up at 10:30 the next morning, my head groggy from the night before. Then I remembered.
Bruce.
Bruce is here. With me.
Next to me.
I smile and flip over, only to find a cold, empty spot in bed. I scramble up and run to the window, finding rain on an empty field. It hasn't stopped raining, and my heart hasn't stopped hurting. For years, it's been the same cold place, the void only filled with flowers and sunshine, though they have little effect. I can't bring myself to stop staring at the place where only twelve hours ago, the quinjet sat so still, getting more and more wet with every drop of rain.
In an instant, I fall to the ground, screaming. I can feel everything around me shaking, violently, as I become more and more deaf in my fight for my sanity. I'm losing it, no longer ready to hold onto whatever I wanted to salvage. He had made up his mind, and in turn ruined me for the last time. I was so stupid to think he would stay, so stupid to think he actually still loved me and still wanted me.
So stupid.
So stupid.
So stupid.