Chapter Text
To be fair, Hayato was intelligent...just not about feelings. So when he had the inexplicable urge to scare away anyone who came near to Ryuu, especially if it seemed like they were getting too close to him, he had no idea what to do with them. He doesn’t know what to do with the way his heart jumps when Ryuu smiles at him. He’s pretty much lost, he doesn’t know why this is happening, and he’s not having a fun time with it. And yet, every time the brunette calls his name, those feelings settle down like someone had put a raging monster to sleep. And for that moment, his head clears, as if the answer is so simple, so easy and right there in front of him; it’s like he doesn’t need to think about anybody other than the boy before him. The boy shining so bright like the sun, too bright for his eyes, and yet, like the beauty of destruction, he can’t look away, he can’t help but drink in the tiniest details about him.
So, Hayato Kamitani, despite all his confusion, can’t help but stay.
It’s like he’s stuck, and unlike what he’d normally do, he likes it. He likes the person beside him. And maybe, that is why, one day, or rather, one night, a thought crosses his mind: he’d like that boy to be his constant, like him to be beside him forever. To keep calling his name, exasperated and yet fond.
He wanted Ryuuichi Kashima to be with him, and remain with him as long as he existed. There was just something so delicious about the way Ryuu’s name rolled off his tongue. Something so nice, so soft, yet the feeling so forbidden, like a secret to be carried to the grave.
But like all realisations, another realisation followed immediately after: it was not possible. Ryuu had a soulmate, his luck was not like his own, he would find his soulmate one day for sure, and he’d leave with them, lead his life with them, the way fate designed it. The way it was supposed to be for him too, but didn’t. After all, Hayato Kamitani was nowhere as kind, as sweet and loving as Ryuu, who was selfless, wh never cared about himself, whose only purpose was to give his all to those he loved.
Hayato Kamitani doesn’t cry. He’s emotionless. He’s cold, he’s blunt. But that night, lying in his bed, the room darkened, he can’t help but break down. He can’t help the tears that fall or the way he grips his shirt so tight that it was threatening to tear. His mind is full of thoughts, cruel yet bitter-sweet, whirling and tangled. He can’t make out the starting or end to it, his thinking is blurred. All he knows is that boy, shining so brightly, was the core of it.
He bites his hand to stop the sob that escapes his throat.
Hasn’t he seen enough? Hasn’t he felt enough? Why did this have to happen?
Why?
~~O~0~O~~
Ryuuichi Kashima was having a little different problem.
Ok, the problem wasn’t little.
His brain was screaming two different things at him together.
One part was ruthless, telling him how he was a failure: how he was pathetic. He couldn’t even stop crying in front of Hayato, how would he stay strong for Kotaro?? He would eventually fail, his mind repeatedly shouted that at him. And he believed it, even if it was only a bit, he believed it. He has been taking care of Kotaro since he was 13, but then he was never alone. If something went wrong, he could always ask his mother. Yes, they might not have been able to give him a lot of time, but they were not neglecting, if he asked for their help, they would always be there. But now? He was alone, left to take care of Kotaro. He was frustrated, he was angry, Above all, he was scared.
And he didn’t even have a soulmate. He didn’t have the assurance that someday, someone would be there waiting for him, a constant in his life. He wanted to scream and cry, and yet stay strong for his brother. It was confusing.
He was anxious, worried. About him, about Kotaro.
And then there was the other part. The part that made him want to hide his face. The part which reminded him of how warm he had been when Hayato held him, how the hands were tough, yet so very gentle. It was almost as if Hayato was scared to touch him. He was warm when Hayato held him, and he craved that warmth. And when he remembered it, it made him want to hide his face, he felt so very warm. He had fallen hard for that boy. It might seem strange to others, after all, on the outside, there was nothing common in them. If Ryuu was the sun, Hayato would be the moon. They were the opposites to each other. And yet, Ryuu couldn’t imagine a life without him. It was easier to imagine his entire life with Hayato.
And that is where the dreams came crashing down. It would never happen. Hayato’s luck was definitely not as cursed as his, he would go on to find love in his soulmate, lead his life with them. And Ryuu would watch from the sidelines, breaking his heart in the process.
And if tears rolled down his cheeks at these thoughts, no one had to know. No one had to know how his heart hurt. How he was hurting, his insecurities streaming at him, telling him that this was all his fault, he shouldn’t have fallen for Hayato in the first place. And he knew this was true, this was what he believed truly, but how do you stop yourself from falling in love with someone?
It wasn’t beautiful as the books he once read said, it was painful. And yet, there were moments when the pain cleared to let him bask in the sunny feeling of being in love, moments that he would not exchange for anything in the world.
Hayato Kamitani and Ryuuichi Kashima don’t understand one thing: fate may be a cruel mistress, but she never makes a mistake. And that love isn’t the shade of red of the soul thread, but it is an array of colours, found in the rarest shades, at the strangest of times, changing itself to fit in the place it is found. Love is a shape-shifter, different for all those who experience it. They don't know that yet.