Chapter Text
But I learned a long time ago that I can’t have everything I want.
-x-
Three
-x-
“I’ll follow you home.”
He says it when he presses their foreheads together. Clarke’s heart stutters in her chest for a few moments as she goes to wipe the tears from her eyes. Bellamy squeezes her hand and does it for her with the pads of his thumbs. “That’s not a good idea…Ayden’s home and he’s been drinking and my mom—god, my mom’s home for once.” She pulls away from him and puts her hand on her forehead, “I’m sorry for what I said, okay? You must think I’m a total nut case at this point. I’m usually a lot stronger than this.”
“Maybe that’s the problem—always having to be strong for other people.” He muses softly, stepping closer to her again before he’s got her pressed against her car. His fingers play with her blonde tresses, “Is that what you want me to do right now?”
“What?”
“Man up…because I can prove to you that I can man up, Clarke. If you tell me that you want this and you’re not afraid of the outcome of starting something, I’ll tell Ayden that I want to be with you.” He sounds sincere. He looks sincere. Hell, he might even be sincere but in light of things, Clarke can’t seem to trust him.
Not to mention Ayden is walking a fine line between self-destruction and possible incarceration at this point. “I…I like you Bellamy, I’m really attracted to you—more than anyone I’ve ever met and I once kissed a girl that wore leather like cotton.”
“Sounds like an interesting story.” He comments slyly before he nods his head for her to continue.
She clears her throat, “But I’m not a fool. I’m sorry that I said those things the way I said them, but for the most part they are true. You’re better than a stupid ass party on the edge of town where people are yelling chug, chug, chug with balled up fist and chewing tobacco in their teeth.” Bellamy winces as she paints him a picture with her words. “You can tell me to fuck off but I know you’re better because the way you are with your sister…and with me…screams you’re different than what these assholes think. And as long as you’re pretending to be one of those assholes, and dragging my brother around when you know he’s unstable, I can’t want to be with you.”
“You can’t want to be with me?”
Clarke shrugs, “I thought it was obvious that I want to be with you…I just can’t let myself do this with everything going on.”
“I can change.”
“Things Guys Say Before They Let You Down for 200.” She mumbles lowly, “The other reason I can’t…I’m moving, Bellamy. In six months, I’m out of here…Ayden’s supposed to come with me, it was his idea in the first place…but I’m leaving.”
“Oh.”
He looks at her with something shy of pathetic in his eyes. “So you’re just going to swoop in a change my life completely before you leave and never turn back?”
“Let’s be honest, in fifteen years you won’t give a fuck about me.” He lowers his head and kisses her when she says it like his lips against hers is the only proof he has that he won’t forget her when she’s gone. His hand drops to her hip and the next thing she knows, she’s being lifted up and positioned on the edge of her trunk. The new angle has her opening her mouth for him, accepting his tongue eagerly. He rubs his hand down her clothed thigh, to her calves, down to her ankle before he locks her leg around him.
This isn’t healthy, she thinks as she moans his name into his mouth.
Then a thought strikes her, “Wait, wait—“ She pushes at his chest, “—isn’t she still inside? Echo? You left her inside and now you’re making out with me?”
“Clarke, I already told you it isn’t—“
“I’ve heard that line before.” She jumps off the trunk of her car, “Finn Collins: How to Be A Complete Dick 101. It’s never like that.”
“I don’t want to be with her, I want to be with you.” He says firmly, “I want to be with you, Clarke and I don’t care if you’re going to leave me. I don’t care if I only get you for a little bit because I’d be happy just having you for the time you allow me to. Please, Princess…I know it looks bad, but please give me a chance.”
“It shouldn’t be this hard, you know that right? This shouldn’t be hard at all. You’re supposed to meet someone and it’s supposed to be perfect.” Her words are empty because Bellamy’s smiling at her in a way that tells her she’s going to be his girl. In a way that says she already is his. Somehow, her lips turn into a smile even if her mind is screaming that she’s making a mistake.
“God, you really are a Princess if you think that’s how relationships work.”
-x-
Clarke knocks on Ayden’s door when she gets home, her teeth tugging on her swollen lip—god, Bellamy knew how to use his mouth—the entire time she listened to her brother stumbling around his bedroom before he opens it. “I didn’t know if you were going to be back tonight.” He tells her groggily, widening the opening of the door so she can step through. “Something on your mind?”
His room lacks personalization unlike Clarke’s room. His comforter set is a dark navy blue and it’s rumpled at the end of the bed. His laptop is open, his Spotify account up on the screen. There’s a McDonald’s bag near his bed along with a few condom wrappers meaning Roma has been over recently. It’s a mess, just like him.
“You’re doing it again.” She glares at him because she knows tough love is her only useful approach in the situation. “The drinking, the drugs, the attitude…you’re doing it again.”
He sighs, “So, you come in here at—“ He looks over at his alarm clock, “—1:34 AM to tell me that I need some half-assed intervention? Where the fuck have you been all night, by the way?”
“With Octavia.” It’s not a complete lie and as she looks into her brother’s blue eyes—the same eyes she has—she knows that he accepts it. “I didn’t want to have this conversation…but Ayden, we’ve been here for two weeks now and you’re nearly destructive at this point…and I want to blame the people you’re hanging out with and maybe I can blame Murphy but Wick? Miller? Bellamy? They aren’t ever as fucked up as you and I’m worried.”
“Don’t be.” Ayden cocks his head to the side, “I heard you went to a party with Wells Jaha, that true? Are you his Princess?” He’s trying to goad her into changing the subject, like always. It’s working because he doesn’t have the right to call her Princess. No one has the right to call her Princess except…except Bellamy. It’s obvious that her lines are being blurred as she looks at her brother with another guy in her heart.
He’s never been second in her book, ever.
She’s never liked someone the way she likes Bellamy.
“Don’t call me that.” Clarke takes a step back with her arms crossed, “Wells and I aren’t together if that’s what you’re concerned about. The whole fucking school is scared to date me because they think you’re a psychopath with an alcohol problem.”
Ayden snorts, “You don’t need to get involved with anyone. We’re only here for a limited time. I don’t know why you’ve befriended the Blake girl anyway.”
“Octavia.” Clarke corrects him automatically, “And probably the same reason you’ve befriended her brother. Why do you get to build a life here while I wait in the shadows for your approval? What if I want to date people? What if I want to make friends and go to parties? Am I truly not allowed to because it’s not what you want?”
He shrugs, “Do you honestly think I’ll be hanging out with those idiots in five years? I won’t be. I like to have fun and that’s never been your priority. I don’t need you trying to fit in with girls like Octavia Blake, it kills my social circles. By the way, I heard she’s a major slu—“
“Are you fucking serious?” Clarke yells as he turns around acting like the conversation is nonchalant. Her eyes are following him, but her brain is a mess of words. “Would you let Bellamy talk about me like that?”
He peeks over his shoulder, “Bellamy would never talk about you like that…he has a crush on you. Don’t feign shock, you know it’s true.” Her heart picks up its pace, slamming against her chest. A light blush creeps up on her cheeks. “The fucker can’t seem to leave you alone…and I thought my problem was going to be with Wick.”
“She’s a good person, Ayden. I don’t care what she does sexually like you don’t seem to care where your whore of a girlfriend lays down at night when she’s not with you.” Clarke shoots back, shaking off Ayden’s words the best she can. “This isn’t you. You aren’t a selfish dick that uses people. You’re better than this.”
“No, you’re better than this—not me. You’re always the perfect one, Clarke. You make good grades, you don’t sleep around, you rarely drink…you’re the one dad wanted to take to Japan but we’re a fucking package deal, okay? So he puts you in this town with me and you’re fucking miserable…and I’m not. I’m not miserable. I don’t hate Mount Weather any more than I hate everywhere else.” He takes a deep breath, “I’m not out of control, Clarke…I’m just not you.”
“I—I don’t want you to be me. I want you to be my brother.”
“I’m tired of being your twin, Clarke.” He holds his hand up in defense when he turns around, “I don’t want to be a package deal anymore, okay? I don’t want to be a we. I want there to be a you and a me. So, let me be me.”
“You…are you breaking up with me? Are you saying that…you’re done with what we have, just like that? Just because you want to get drunk with the guys and fuck Roma? I’m your sister! I’m your sister and I’m the only person that loves you for you.”
“Maybe that’s the problem, Clarke…you think you know me, but you don’t. Not anymore. I guess, in a sense, I am breaking up with you although I think that’s a little melodramatic.”
“Who the fuck are you?”
Ayden points to his door, “Just get out. I’m done with this conversation. If you need a shoulder to cry on, call Lincoln.”
-x-
Clarke: How devoted are you to school next week if I can get you a doctor’s excuse?
Bellamy: What do you have in mind, Princess?
Clarke: A little vacation…ever been to California?