Randiva



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    “What are you wearing?” Ilya asks, his voice sounding strangled. 

    Shane looks down, confused. “What’s wrong with what I’m wearing? I always–”

    “Why are you wearing your glasses?” Ilya interrupts, and Shane notices the tension in his entire body when he speaks. 

    “I ran out of contacts,” Shane says. 

    “So you are wearing glasses to practice?”

    “Yeah, it’s just one practice,” he says defensively, even though he’s done nothing wrong. “I’ll grab a pair of contacts from the eye doctor this afternoon."

    “Right,” Ilya says, his eyes laser-focused on Shane’s face as his lips set in a tight line. 

    “Is that a problem?” Shane quips, and it comes off kind of bitchy, but he’s so confused as to why Ilya would have any issue with him wearing his glasses to one practice. He normally loves Shane in glasses. 

    Ilya seems to shake himself out of whatever weird-ass mood he’d fall into. He smiles, but it looks strained. “Of course not. Let’s go.” 

    ___

    Or, Shane has to wear his glasses to practice and Ilya absolutely cannot deal with it.

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    03 Jun 2026

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    He went silent again, his brow furrowed so hard it looked painful. Suddenly, his eyes lit up. He stood up, his hockey gear clanking loudly.

    "I have it. I see on internet. A man. He has jar. He has bubbles."

    Shane blinked. "Bubbles? Like... a fish?"

    "No," Ilya said, pacing the room like a caged bear. "He make life from dust. He mix powder and water. He wait. He feed it like baby. Then... BREAD."

    "Oh so baking, you want to try baking bread?" Shane asked skeptically.

    "Not just bake, Shane. Sourdough. Is complex. Is science. Is war with yeast." Ilya's voice grew passionate, his Russian accent thickening. "It is sour, like my childhood. It is hard crust, like my heart."

    Language:
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    02 Jun 2026

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    Following the internet success of Shane and Ilya's presentation at the NHL Awards, ESPN decided to contract with them to do a whole series. It goes far better than anyone could have dreamed.

    -or-

    “When you think about it,” Jackie said, when Shane had dinner with her and Hayden a few days later, “hockey’s basically already reality tv.”

    Series
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    64,863
    Chapters:
    16/16
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    1,412
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    8,509
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    2,900
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    02 Jun 2026

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    Shane knows it’s not a good time to have this conversation. He should wait until they’re not both tired from a stretch of tough games, until he’s not exhausted from having all the Centaurs over for the day. He should wait until he can’t feel anger simmering inside him and his shoulders aren’t tense. That’s probably why he doesn’t wait.

    “Stop trying to make me be friends with Troy Barrett.”

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    Words:
    4,006
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    2/2
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    318
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    2,594
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    350
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    30 May 2026

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    “You wrote about us having sex while Hayden watches!”

    “Fictional us,” Ilya corrects. “Real us would never do that. Probably.” He pauses. “Unless …”

    “No!”

    Ilya Rozanov has always been competitive. But when his husband’s best friend starts calling a little too often, Ilya discovers a new arena for dominance: Archive of Our Own.

    Armed with a pseudonym that fools absolutely no one, explicit tags that would make a sailor blush, and a truly impressive commitment to pettiness, Ilya wages psychological warfare one kudos at a time. His weapon of choice? Extremely detailed fanfiction about why Hayden Pike will never, ever measure up.

    The problem? Hayden writes back.

    What follows is the most unhinged rivalry in hockey history: a battle fought not with fists or slapshots, but with comment sections, kudos, and increasingly creative ways to humiliate each other in front of thousands of readers. Featuring: footnoted statistics, educational sex advice, one very concerned wife, and Shane Hollander wondering what the hell he did to deserve this.

    Language:
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    Words:
    4,367
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
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    1,374
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    44,973

    30 May 2026