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She wanted Laura, which was somewhat ridiculous given that they spent every waking second together, given that they had the night and the next day and the rest of their lives, but she wanted her all the same.
The bus was a blur, and she grabbed her wife’s hand and held it for a minute, and Laura beamed at her and pressed their heads together.
Erin, thank god for her, had started a drunk dance circle off to the side, and as everyone joined in, distracted and looking away, Marie managed to grab Laura and kiss her soundly.
She tasted of beer and sweat and victory, and Marie wanted her so badly she was momentarily overwhelmed by it, but they were on a bus, for goodness sake, so she settled for biting Laura’s lip and hoarsely saying, “I love you.”
“I love you,” Laura replied, voice even raspier than usual, and Marie squeezed her hand tightly and then stood to join whatever strange beer conga line Abby had started.
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“I know.”
“I know you know,” Marie said, almost smiling. “Vraiment, chérie. You’re usually good at letting things go.”
“I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” Laura said helplessly.
Marie squeezed her hand. “What do you need?”
I need to be better, Laura thought, and it added another twist to her mind, winding her even tighter. She was angry, and buzzing, and frustration was built up in her veins like plaque, her heart beating all wrong. She was nothing but tension.
“Laura?”
“I need to stop fucking thinking,” she managed.
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Hilary stood and walked towards her, jumpsuit gathered around her waist, and she put her hand on Hannah’s chin and tilted her face so their eyes met.
“You are incredible. You’ve done great things, and you’ll do many more. You are a national champion, a world champion, and an Olympic champion, and guess what?” Hilary leaned in, and Hannah tried to control her breathing. “You’re just getting started. It’s good to stay hungry, Hannah. But don’t let it be all that you are.”
“That’s a little hard right now,” Hannah said hoarsely, and knew Hilary would know that she meant the injury and the season, but also the hands on her face and the body in front of her.
——
Bilka and Knight at the Oscars
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It was the weight of it that really got her. The anger was expected, the sadness, the disappointment, the pain, even the guilt. But the heaviness was something else.
Marie thought about Joce eight years ago, taking the medal off as soon as it was around her neck because she couldn’t bear the burden of it. She forced herself to stand still as second-best was draped over her head.
She’d meant what she said to her team. She was incredibly proud of them. That would make it easier, eventually, but it didn’t yet.
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Daryl isn’t sure why the first thing she says when she sees her girlfriend at her door is, “are you even allowed to be here?”
It should be ‘what are you doing here,’ or even ‘get out.’ It’s the fucking Olympics, and Caroline Harvey is certainly not supposed to be in team Canada’s building the day before the gold medal game, leaning against Daryl’s door with her hands in her pockets.