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Summary
“In my humble opinion there’s only three things that men should be and that is bloody, slutty, and pathetic.” And, on a good day, Draco Malfoy can be all three.
When war heroine Hermione Granger and Azkaban-tattooed war criminal Draco Malfoy are forced to wed as part of Shacklebolt’s controversial Reconciliation Act, they openly fight the match and each other—their public brawls breathlessly reported by the press.
Secretly, a deeply traumatized Draco delights in Hermione’s attention and pines for a real marriage with her—even as her forced proximity to the Black family magic irritates the cursed scar Bellatrix left on her arm, reminding her why she can never truly trust or forgive him. Then Hermione discovers that Draco’s blood will soothe the scar . . . and Draco is willing to trade his blood for her body.
(With post-war blood purity politics, black market potioneers, Pansy Parkinson’s career advice, the Malfoys blackmailing Hermione’s Wizengamot opposition, BDE Neville Longbottom hunting Death Eaters, a slutty Theo Nott serving as Draco’s right-hand man, and Crookshanks loose in Malfoy Manor.)
Series
- Part 1 of THE BLOODY, SLUTTY, AND PATHETIC SERIES
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 195,969
- Chapters:
- 21/21
- Comments:
- 7,498
- Kudos:
- 31,478
- Bookmarks:
- 12,488
- Hits:
- 1,914,932
Bookmarked by cranbery
06 Mar 2026
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Bookmarker's Notes
these absolute freaks, I love them
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Summary
“I’m rewriting this script,” she grabs the stack of paper from the corner of her desk and lets it fall heavily on the surface between them, bent pages fluttering in the wind of it. “And I needed an excuse to completely gut it. Fully page one it.”
“Alright,” he leans back in his chair, legs and arms both crossed defensively. “Then gimme your pitch.”
“My pitch?”
“That’s a thing in this world, right?” he motions broadly at the room. “Pitch me.”
*
OR: When indie film director Michelle Jones-Watson gets the chance to adapt beloved comic book hero Spider-Man into the next big summer blockbuster, she expects a lot of hurdles. She doesn’t, however, expect Spider-Man’s creator Peter Parker to be one of her greatest allies in vaulting them.
Series
- Part 13 of Maybe In Another Universe
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 89,574
- Chapters:
- 16/16
- Collections:
- 4
- Comments:
- 1,090
- Kudos:
- 767
- Bookmarks:
- 221
- Hits:
- 22,275
Bookmarked by cranbery
05 Jun 2024
Bookmarker's Notes
I was just thinking about how joyful this fic is. I love it so much.
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Field Guide to North American Dragons by PacificRimbaud
Fandoms: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
21 May 2020
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Draco Malfoy never asked for Charlie Weasley, a flying car, or fucking America, for that matter.
But sometimes what you don't want is exactly what you need. -
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Summary
The latest in magical advancements is an enchantment that reveals the bearer’s romantic compatibility with another person. Effectively eliminating uncertainty from dating, the charm can tell you whether or not you’ve found The One with a precise, Hermione Granger-approved calculation of traits and preferences. It’s a foolproof method of predicting relationship happiness. It’s also, for Hermione, positively dreadful news. Dramione, post-war, soulmate AU. COMPLETE.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 98,052
- Chapters:
- 12/12
- Collections:
- 24
- Comments:
- 1,509
- Kudos:
- 9,376
- Bookmarks:
- 4,422
- Hits:
- 452,527
Bookmarked by cranbery
26 Dec 2023
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Bookmarker's Notes
Such a strange story, love it so much. Fun & unique dimensions of character development and world building.
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The Disappearances of Draco Malfoy by speechwriter
Fandoms: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
18 Jun 2021
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Summary
The night that Harry and Dumbledore return from the cave, the Death Eaters are delayed from reaching the top of the Astronomy Tower for one more minute. Draco Malfoy lowers his wand.
A Deathly Hallows rewrite in which Draco accepts Dumbledore's offer to fake his death and go into hiding with the Order of the Phoenix.
Series
- Part 1 of The Disappearances of Draco Malfoy

