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Harvey remembers the first time he heard it; caring makes you weak. Jessica told him that. Right before she slipped a collar around his neck and proceeded to fuck him within an inch of consciousness. Harvey woke up sore, marked and bruised in ways he didn’t know was possible. In other words, he woke up in utter bliss. From that moment on, he was hers. She knew it; he knew it. Anyone with half a brain should’ve known it. But as usual they never saw it, never saw anything but the tough as nails woman who scratched and clawed her way to the top. And he, as one of her loyal subjects, would destroy anyone who dared to cross her.
For years, it worked for them. He was her bulldog by day and willingly got down on his knees for her at night. He loved her; a part of him still does. But that was before. Before his ambition waged war with his need to submit. And more importantly, before Mike stumbled into his office and into his life. If Harvey thought caring for Jessica made him weak, nothing prepared him for the weakness that came with falling for Mike. Mike came with a genius mind, piercing blue eyes and a smile that had Harvey willing to risk everything. His job, the firm and more importantly his heart. Needless to say, it put a strain on his relationship with Jessica; not just the one that happened between office hours, but also the one that happened under the cloak of night.
Although Harvey never had any problem in his professional life, bending or stretching a truth for a client, lying to his Domme was a whole hell of a lot harder. But what choice did he have? It was the only way to keep both his relationship with Jessica intact (in and out of the firm), and hold on to the man he loved but could never have. That doesn’t mean it wasn’t hard. The word Mistress had started to feel heavy on Harvey’s tongue; her touch started to feel both right and wrong at the same time, even as he cried out in surrender. And where once he relished the sting of pleasure just on this side of pain, guilt had him craving the pain more, looking for absolution in every mark on his skin. It couldn’t go on, not forever. And when the truth finally spilled from his lips, she found a way to both punish and forgive him. Of course, he couldn’t walk for a week without feeling all of her marks; those that were hidden beneath his clothing and those that were in more… discreet places. But six months ago, their world came crumbling down around them. Some secrets, it seems couldn’t be contained.
It was a crisp evening; the night Hell came to visit and collect its debt for all of Harvey’s sins. Harvey had written his confession and was prepared to walk away from his profession for the good of the company and for Jessica. He felt nothing as he did so, having just watched the man he loved walk out of his office and his life, to the waiting arms of someone else. Harvey didn’t think it could get any worse, but fate showed him it could. One moment, Harvey was watching Mike being hauled away to jail and the next he was enduring Jessica’s wrath. Passion and grief, he discovered, made strange bedfellows. They spent hours releasing their aggression’s, fears, and inner demons on each other, finding atonement within their dark desires. When morning came, as they laid intertwined beneath ruined sheets, bruised, raw and spent, they began to plan for their next move.
It took everything he had, but Harvey vowed to himself to spend every waking moment getting Mike released. He made more promises and broke several laws (allegedly), until finally, it was done. Mike walked out of Danbury a free man, and straight into the arms of Rachel. Harvey dropped them off and went to the only place his anger and grief would be welcomed- Jessica’s arms. It wasn’t until a few nights later that Jessica walked into Harvey’s office, and told him that she was leaving.
“You can’t. You can’t leave.” he pleaded, when she came to see him that night, after Mike’s release.
“Harvey, I am not leaving you. I am just leaving. It’s time for me to do something else. And truth be told you need to do something else too. The question remains are you strong enough?”
“Bullshit. This company has been your dream.”
“It isn’t my only dream.”
“But what about… What about us? I need…”
“You can’t possibly think I would just walk in here, tell you I am leaving and not have thought about you.”
If he could’ve, he would’ve fallen upon his knees and begged her to stay. Harvey had dropped his head, fought the shame that crept along his face. She then walked over to him, reached out and lifted his chin to meet her gaze.
“I made you a promise once. That I would always take care of you. I am not about to go back on that promise now. I have talked to someone. Someone who could provide you with what you need.”
“You what? What the hell? You just can’t hand me over to someone else like property, Jess!” Harvey yelled incensed, backing away from her.
“Harvey, I would never assume to… You always have a choice. You know this. But I also know that you would rather deny this part of you than seek out someone else. I am just doing what I have always done, will always do. Care for you.”
“I thought you said caring made you weak?”
She smiled then. “Yes, I did say that. But I was wrong. Caring doesn’t make you weak. Caring is one of the hardest things you can ever do. And it requires more strength than you can imagine. Trust me on this.”
Jessica pulled him in close. One arm finding the nape of his neck, while the other kept him pressed against her chest. Harvey felt the tension leave his body, secure in her embrace. Her warm breath tickled his ear.
“I have to do this, Harvey,” she whispered softly.
“I know,” he answered.
“Promise me something.”
“Anything, Mistress.” Harvey felt her smile against his cheek at the endearment.
“Don’t close yourself off forever.”
Harvey stayed silent a moment, before he felt her finger lifting his chin. He raised his eyes to her.
“Promise me,” she said more firmly.
“I promise,” he whispered, trying not to roll his eyes.
She smirked then, hearing the lie within his words.
“I promise to try”, he repeated.
“Good boy.” He could still remember the soft brush of her lips against his cheek.
When she started to pull away, he let her go. She walked away from him with a gentle smile and he silently wondered if it would be the last time he would ever see her again.
After she left, Harvey tried to fight it. The want, the need. He often thought about going to a local club, finding someone, if only for the night. Sure, Jessica had said she reached out to someone, but Harvey had no idea that someone was Mike. That is, not until he showed up a few months later at his door with the key to his collar. She could have found anyone, he fumed while Mike stood silently waiting for answer from him. Why the hell did it have to be Mike?
It wasn’t that he didn’t like Mike, in fact he did. Too much. Every day, Harvey struggled with his feelings for Mike. He thought it would have gotten easier after all this time, especially since he was marrying Rachel. But instead, it got worse. Seeing the one thing he wanted more than anything, fawn over someone else, was torture. But Harvey was nothing if not resilient and he refused to give into weakness. At least that is what he told himself as Mike calmly explained what he was. It didn’t matter. Harvey would not, could not, be that with Mike. And he said as much. Then Mike had handed him the key to his collar, accepting Harvey’s choice. It was at that moment, something changed. He couldn’t give a reason why if he tried. All he knows is that he made a different choice. One that led to him being pinned against his own window, while Mike whispered dirty promises of intent with his words and hands. Desires long ignored, roared to life as Mike pressed up against him. Harvey could have said no; should’ve said no.
But as he opened his mouth intent on safe wording out, he ended up saying something completely different. Yes, before letting go of everything.
Much to Harvey’s surprise, Mike really was all as promised. He wielded power in a way that was both arousing and frightening. Harvey had not known the two could mix. With Jessica, Harvey learned to love the blurred lines between pain and pleasure. But with Mike, every night was a battle. Whether tied to his own bed, or positioned in front of a piece of furniture, Harvey would push every limit, before finally surrendering. Mike wielded multiple instruments that left beautiful marks on Harvey’s body. Oh, and Mike’s mouth. Fuck. Mike’s mouth could kiss him so sweetly one moment, then spill filthy words of desire the next, as he whispered the 146 ways he planned on fucking him. Mike’s hands would stroke his cock leisurely, then speed up; keeping Harvey so close to the precipice. Harvey would sob and beg for Mike’s cock, while the scent of sex surrounded them. God, it was intoxicating. And when Mike finally did take him, split Harvey in two with his cock, the sounds of slapping flesh, joined the melody of Harvey’s curses and unintelligible words until Harvey could do nothing else but scream his throat raw when he was granted release. Yes. Mike was indeed a Master.
Within weeks, Mike became Harvey’s new drug. Better than adrenaline, almost as good as winning a case. After a night with Mike, Harvey, while sore and bruised, would feel light and unstoppable. And like any addiction, soon the occasional dose wasn’t enough. Too many nights Harvey would lay alone in his bed craving Mike. Loving Mike in silence from afar was hard enough, loving him in silence as he surrendered his body to him was another. If Harvey had his way, he would work by Mike’s side by day and sleep in his arms every night. But that isn’t the way his luck ran, so he had settled for whatever piece of Mike he could have. And it was fine. He could do this. Besides, Harvey Specter didn’t do emotions. At least that is what he told himself. But that was a lie. Because when it came to Mike, not only did Harvey Specter absolutely do emotions, he was drowning in them. And therein was the real problem.
Which is why when the past came back to haunt them once again in the way of Anita Gibbs, Harvey knew he had to do something. He would not let her take Mike away. He’d be damned if he lost Mike a second time. Harvey moved heaven and hell to get Mike out of jail once and he would gladly do it again if it meant that Mike got what he wanted. And all Harvey ever wanted was for Mike to be happy. Mike deserved to finally become the man he always dreamed of; successful lawyer, and husband. Nothing else mattered. For weeks Harvey battled. He threatened. Harvey turned one deal into two, and two back to none, as he played his opponents off each other. Despite his best efforts, his goal remained elusive, untouchable. Harvey knew he was not only running out of time, but out of plays. He even went as far as to enlist the help of Rachel, appealing to her desire to do whatever it takes for the man she loves; for the man, they both love (though he keeps that last bit to himself). Still he came up empty; he couldn’t come up empty. The firm, the one Jessica left entrusted in his and Louis’ care, was crumbling beneath his feet, and still he couldn’t think of anything else but Mike. Harvey never did like to lose; everyone knows this. So, while Mike made peace with his new future without law, Harvey attempted a Hail Mary.
~~~
Today is the final day of Mike’s hearing. The room is crowded, the air thick with tension. Harvey knows this is the moment. He is silently praying for Mike to point the finger at him, despite knowing he won’t. Mike would stupidly give up on his own dream to save Harvey, just like he did before. That truth has haunted Harvey more nights than he cares to admit. No matter how often Mike tells him it was his choice, Harvey can’t let go of the guilt that came with watching Mike land behind bars and lose everything.
“We both made those choices, Harvey. And I would make them again,” he told him late last night as Harvey begged for punishment on his knees.
His thoughts are interrupted by Anita’s smug voice.
“Mr. Ross. Did anyone at Pearson-Specter-Litt have knowledge you were a fraud?”
It’s nothing more than blackmail; a thinly disguised threat in the form of a question. She knows it, he knows it. Half the room knows it. Harvey is wearing his poker face, the one he wears in every high-stake game. Anita may think she’s holding the best hand in the room. But Harvey has always been a shark at poker. And today is no exception.
“Mr. Ross. Did anyone else know?”
“I knew.” Her voice washes over the room, over him, like a balm. He looks up and briefly catches her gaze. He smiles. Harvey just managed to play the only card he had left- his trump card in the form of his Queen.
Jessica stands there owning the room, like she always has. By the time, she is done telling her story, there is nothing left to do but wait. When the call finally comes, it is the best news any of them could have heard. Harvey is relieved. How can he not be? Mike’s getting his wish, his dream. He watches Mike out of the corner of his eye. It was worth it, he tells himself. Mike never needs to know the cost, no one does. They can’t continue the way they have; Harvey has to let him go. Harvey’s thoughts are interrupted by a familiar body pulling him in close. He can’t stop the smile that grows across his face as he takes her in.
“Thank you for flying in,” he murmurs.
“Like I had a choice. From all the stories, I was hearing, you were well on your way to having half the state take out a restraining order against you.”
Harvey chuckles softly. “Whatever it takes, right? You taught me that.”
“So, it’s my fault?” she counters.
“If the shoe fits… But seriously Jessica, thank you for this.”
She nods slightly. “Of course, besides I made you a promise. And you should know me well enough to know I never break a promise.”
They embrace again and Harvey closes his eyes, relishing the touch of her.
“I’m letting him go,” he whispers. The words falling from his lips unbidden.
She pulls back slightly, a look of surprise gracing her usually stoic features.
“You haven’t told him?”
“Told him what?”
“Harvey, how many times have I told you, you can’t fool me?” she sighs.
The sounds of rising voices grow around them, stilling their conversation. They share a look before joining the celebration around them. It isn’t until later, when Harvey is alone in his office that he hears her signature heels clicking across his floor. She drops into the chair across from him. One look at her, and he can tell she has not let their earlier conversation go.
“So, you haven’t told him the truth,” she states emphatically.
“Are we really revisiting this? There’s nothing to tell,” he deflects.
“Bullshit. You’ve been in love with that boy since the moment you met him.”
“Doesn’t matter,” he answers bitterly.
“The hell it doesn’t.”
“In case you have forgotten since you left, Mike loves Rachel. They are getting married,” he spits, going over to pour himself a drink. “You want one?” he asks.
Her look softens and she shakes her head. “Harvey. Trust me, you need to tell him.”
“Like I said. It doesn’t matter.” Harvey takes a sip. The amber liquid feels like fire down his throat.
“You know,” she starts. “I had thought when you took him as your Dom…”
He glares at her. “Don’t. It’s my decision. Besides. I’ve got a firm to focus on.”
She nods. Harvey knows he has won this battle.
“You know,” he says softly. “You were right.”
He watches as one of her eyebrow raises.
“Caring doesn’t make you weak. Takes real balls. Because this has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.”
“Amen to that. But for what it’s worth? I am proud of you, Harvey.”
She rises from the chair and grabs her purse. Harvey walks with her to the door where she pauses.
“You know if you ever need me…”
“I know.”
She leans over and places a chaste kiss on his cheek, carefully wiping off the residual lipstick with her thumb.
“Goodbye, Harvey.”
“Safe travels, Jessica. And thanks again.”
She smiles once more before disappearing down the hall.
Harvey sighs and heads back to his desk. Ten minutes couldn’t have passed before he is interrupted yet again.
“Harvey?”
Harvey looks up to see Mike standing in front of him. “I thought you would be off somewhere still celebrating with Rachel.”
“Hmm, well I just felt like I really needed to see you.” Harvey watches as Mike drifts over to his cabinet and pours his own glass before refilling the now empty glass on Harvey’s desk.
“Alright. Since you’re here.” Harvey pulls out an envelope from one of the drawers. “Let’s talk about your future. I think it’s about time you come home.”
Mike’s blue eyes pierce Harvey’s.
“And it’s time for you to take the reins,” Mike answers back.
In the end, it really is simple. They never did have any problems bantering back and forth. So, it’s no surprise their negotiations go just as easy. They smile, they shake hands, deal made. Harvey debates having the next conversation. As usual, Mike forces his hand. It happens within seconds. The shift is subtle. Mike’s demeanor changes, his posture stiffens, his eyes become dark and predatory; even the air that surrounds them grows heavy. One moment, Harvey is sharing a drink with the puppy and the next he is in the presence of his Dom. Harvey feels desire unfurl in his gut, but the rational part of his brain is reminding him that he can’t do this. That he must say no.
Mike puts his glass next to Harvey’s on the desk, never breaking eye contact. And when did that become so damn sexy? Harvey wonders to himself.
“I think it’s time you and I celebrate. Don’t you think? Use up some of this…,” and then Mike pauses, his gaze searing Harvey, his voice low and husky. “…energy,” he finishes.
Harvey shivers involuntarily. Mike smiles when he notices and moves towards him slowly as if he were a predator and Harvey prey. The look on Mike’s face is dark and feral and oh, the things Harvey wants to do with this man.
Once again, his rational side of his brain tells him to do the right thing; demands that Harvey stay focused. But the other part of his brain, the one that is screaming yes and more and now, is getting louder, filling his head with sights and sounds of pleasure. Mike is mere inches away and when the hell did it get hot in here, Harvey thinks. But then Mike is touching him, grabbing his tie. Harvey opens his mouth, his safe word on the tip of his tongue, but all that escapes, is a moan that sounds a lot like yes.
Mike yanks Harvey into him and punishes him with a bruising kiss, before ordering him to strip. When Harvey is naked and bent over his own desk, he resolves that he will take this last night with Mike. In a way, it’s fitting that they are here in Harvey’s office, the same office that will be Mike’s very soon. But that is the last coherent thought Harvey has, as Mike’s hand connects with his bare ass.
Smack!
“Where are you, Harvey?”
“Here, Sir,” Harvey answers, the bite and the sting bringing him quickly out of his thoughts.
“Maybe you need a reminder of who you are with. Count for me,” Mike hotly whispers as his hand connects with Harvey’s ass once again.
By the time Harvey has gotten to ten, he is a sobbing mess. Sweat is pouring off his skin and through his blurry eyes he can just make out their reflection in his window. The image jars him- he naked and bent over, holding on to the edge of the desk and Mike, fully clothed, with his sleeves rolled up, leaning over him. One of Mike’s hands is holding Harvey in perfect position, the other hidden. They both look debauched and beautiful and suddenly, it’s too much. Before Mike can connect with another swing, Harvey closes his eyes, the word slipping softly between his lips.
“Veritas.”
Harvey can feel the air go out of the room. Mike pulls back from Harvey, but doesn’t move otherwise.
“Harvey? Are you hurt? What’s wrong?”
Harvey opens his eyes, sees the worry on Mike’s face and lifts himself up. He briefly thinks of dressing, but knows he would just be delaying the inevitable.
“I can’t do this anymore, Mike. It’s too hard.” Harvey’s voice fades as he tries to make himself continue. It’s not the first time he has broken up with someone, but it’s the first time it matters, the first time it hurts like this.
“May I touch you?” Mike asks.
Harvey nods. He feels Mike gently take his wrists, and walk them both over to the couch.
“Does this have anything to do with Jessica being here? I know how hard it must have been to see her.”
“No. This has nothing to do with Jessica. At least not in the way you are thinking.” Harvey turns away, afraid Mike will see the truth.
“Then tell me. What happened?”
Harvey schools his features and turns back to look at Mike, focusing his gaze behind him on the wall. “I just can’t do this anymore. Besides, we both knew this day would come. We are going to be working together again and…”
“Wait. What? That’s your reason? Some bullshit excuse about us working together again?” Mike huffs. “When did we ever stop? I went to jail and we were still working together. So, you’re going to have to do better than that.”
“Forget it, Mike, just accept my reason and let’s move on. Nothing else will change.”
“Fuck, no. I deserve to know the truth. And this changes everything. And you can’t possibly think I’m going to give up you… this…,” he corrects himself, “… without a fight.”
“And what about Rachel?”
“What about Rachel?” Mike counters.
“You think she is going to stand by while her new husband goes off to fuck someone else on a regular basis? You think this is easy for me? You think this is what I want?”
“Well, it must be, since you’re so quick to call it over.”
“You don’t know shit. Go home, Mike, go home to your fiancé.”
“No. Not until you tell me the truth. Harvey, please!”
“I can’t. Let it go.”
Harvey rises off the couch, trying to get some space between him and Mike. He grabs his clothes and quickly begins to dress.
“No!” Mike yells, rising to follow. “I am not leaving until you tell me.”
Mike reaches out and grabs Harvey’s arm, refusing to let it go. It makes Harvey’s blood boil. He turns back to face Mike, his anger now at the tipping point and can’t stop the words from spewing freely from his lips.
“What do you want to hear, huh? That I hate when you leave me in the middle of the night? That you’re the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing I think about before I go to bed? That every time you walk out my door, I feel like you take a part of me with you? Don’t you get it? I love you, Mike, and I can’t keep sharing you. I won’t.”
By the time he is done and realizes he has just confessed to loving Mike, it is too late. He looks at Mike then, notices that his eyes are as wide as saucers, and his face is slack with shock. Shit.
Harvey walks back over and slumps down on the couch, his head falling into his hands. He knows Mike is still there, but he is afraid to look at him or say anything else. Afraid he has permanently damaged their relationship forever.
“Then don’t.”
The words are spoken softly, cutting through the silence that had fallen across the room like a suffocating blanket. It takes a moment for Harvey to even realize Mike has spoken, he is so distraught.
“What did you say?” he asks.
Harvey feels the couch dip as Mike sits down next to him. Mike waits until Harvey lifts his head and meets his gaze before repeating his statement.
“I said, then don’t share me. I’m yours, I’ve always been yours, Harvey. I thought that you didn’t… couldn’t. That this…” he waves his hand around aimlessly, “…was all we could have.”
Harvey can’t believe what he is hearing, but it doesn’t stop him from doubting.
“What about Rachel? You’re engaged.”
Mike sighs and runs his hands through his hair. “No, I’m not. At least not anymore. We haven’t gotten around to telling anyone yet, with all that’s been going on.”
“What the hell happened?” Harvey asks, his first instinct to care for Mike.
“It’s complicated,” Mike nervously laughs, before regaining his composure. Mike catches Harvey’s gaze then quickly looks away. “The short answer is, you shouldn’t marry someone when you’re in love with someone else.”
Harvey’s skin temperature rises, the air surrounding them thick and heavy with something he can’t or doesn’t dare name. Each breath is a little harder to take and he knows if he doesn’t get himself together, it will grow to a full-blown panic attack. But Mike is not done talking, as usual, his brain supplies.
“If I were being completely honest, the only reason I started dating Rachel is because I thought I could never have you. All of you. The way I have dreamed of; the way I have always wanted.”
The room is starting to sway a bit. Harvey is trying to understand what Mike is saying. Did he hear correctly?
Mike tentatively reaches out and places a finger beneath Harvey’s chin until their gazes match.
“So, can I, Harvey? Can I have you? All of you?”
“What are you saying, Mike?” Harvey whispers, afraid of breaking the spell that seems to have surrounded them.
“I’m saying, I love you. It’s always been you.”
Harvey stares at Mike incredulously, while his emotions do a number on the whiskey sloshing around in his gut. Like with everything else he and Mike do, this too becomes easy. He doesn’t have to think, doesn’t have to wonder. There is only one answer.
“Yes.”