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Jeongguk didn't mean to. He swears he didn't mean to but being the baby of his family he was never really used to sharing.
Hoseok is his boyfriend and in Jeongguk's dumb brain (which probably isn't fulled developed yet which is why he can't even see straight) that meant that Hoseok wasn't allowed to laugh like that for anyone else. Wasn't allowed to lean on Jackson's shoulder and showcase his pearly teeth, wasn't allowed to blush pretty with the alcohol thrumming in his veins. (But of course he is, Hoseok can do anything he wants and Jeongguk deep down knows this is true yet it makes something ugly thump in his chest). Jeongguk isn't even a jealous person.
He's not.
It's just he's never really learned to share.
Jeongguk honestly surprised even himself when he spat out, "Maybe I'll go home then, hyung, you seem pretty occupied. I wouldn't want to intrude on your time with Jackson." Hoseok's face had fallen, his pretty heart shaped smile turning into a little frown, corners of his lips down-turned into a pout. And Jeongguk regretted the words right then, the venom of them burning his tongue and throat. Hoseok leaned off of Jackson and made to talk to Jeongguk, lips floundering, but Jeongguk's cheeks burned in shame and he flipped his coat on and stormed out of the restaurant the calls of his friends echoing behind him.
The March chill burns at his cheeks, settling the heat of them only enough to make his shame subside for a second.
Jeongguk is so stupid. Stupid, so stupid. He jams his hands into the pockets of his coat (Hoseok's coat) and mentally kicks himself for being so fuckin dense. Jeongguk had no reason to feel threatened or to react in the way that he had because he's friends with Jackson for fuck's sake. Jackson who's always touchy and extroverted like Hoseok. Jackson who is selfless and good and someone who would never even consider harming Jeongguk by flirting with his fucking boyfriend.
Dumb. Jeongguk is so dumb. Hoseok probably feels hurt. Hoseok's down-turned pout flashes behind Jeongguk's eyelids, the shock of hurt apparent in his eyes. Dumb. So fucking dumb.
Jeongguk feels tears prick at the corners of his eyes because Hoseok doesn't deserve this. Hoseok doesn't deserve a moody teenager clinging to his side and throwing tantrums at the slightest hint of getting less attention than he than thinks he deserves. Jeongguk isn't enough for him, isn't good for Hoseok. If the only thing Jeongguk can add to their relationship is jealousy and insecurity then Jeongguk would rather not do this at all.
After all Hoseok is graduating soon, reminding Jeongguk again that while he still has the mentality of a teenager, Hoseok is already past that. Hoseok is ... graduating soon. A tear burns fiercely down Jeongguk's cheek and he hopes the people he passes brush it off as caused by the cold weather and not the small panic attack he feels beginning. Hoseok is going to graduate soon and Jeongguk still has a long three years ahead of him.
Jeongguk feels a sudden tinge of pure panic because how could he have ignored something so blatantly obvious. Had Hoseok already thought of this? Had Hoseok only agreed to date him because he knew come graduation they would surely end it? Was this relationship only coming out of the pity Hoseok had for Jeongguk? Surely Hoseok had thought of it because Hoseok thinks of everything. Hoseok had agreed to date him because he knew it would end soon and that then he wouldn't have to deal with such a moody kid for more than a few months. That's it, isn't it?
Jeongguk can't believe he's been such a burden on his hyung. Can't believe he's made Hoseok so unhappy and uncomfortable and now he's gone and done this little stunt and now Hoseok will have a good excuse to break it off with him for good.
It's ... it's for the best. The last thing Jeongguk would want would be to burden his hyung or cling to him if he caused him unhappiness.
Tears flow freely down his face the rest of the way home and when he stumbles through the front door, nose buried in the collar of Hoseok's coat, he finally lets himself sob.
Jimin won't be home til Sunday night.
❀❀
From: Seokkie Hyung!
baby, are you okay?
10:32 am
From: Seokkie Hyung!
baby, i won't say i'm not sad bc i am
but i'm not angry and i need you to talk to me ggukie
10:36 am
From: Seokkie Hyung!
Ggukie we have to talk
I don't know what that was back at the restaurant but you made Jackson feel terrible
you made me feel terrible too, baby please talk to me
10:41 am
From: Seokkie Hyung!
I'm coming over
11:17 am
❀❀
Jeongguk can wallow in self pity all he wants thank you very much. He's just realized he's being a fucking burden on the one person in the world he'd want to be anything but a burden on and he's come to the conclusion that they should break up. It makes Jeongguk's heart break. He remembers moving day, way back in the beginning of September when he said nothing Hoseok could ever do would hurt him. It still stands true. Nothing Hoseok has done causes the ache in his chest, it's what Jeongguk is doing to Hoseok that fills his chest with panic.
Hoseok knocks on the door for twenty minutes but Jeongguk looks a mess, still has half a hangover from last night and his eyes are puffy from crying all night, so he sits in the living room listening to Hoseok's sighs and coaxes through the door. His phone buzzes in his hand and buzzes again and again and Hoseok keeps calling though the door that "I know you're in there Ggukie, babe, please just open the door. I swear I'm not mad at you, baby. Please, Ggukie."
Jeongguk hears the thump of Hoseok's back hitting the door as he slides to sit on the floor and ten minutes later hears Hoseok get up and walk back to the elevator. Jeongguk hiccups as he showers, his body wracking with left over sobs long after his tears have dried. And maybe he's being a little dramatic but Jeongguk is allowed to be for Hoseok.
He spends Sunday cleaning, a day he usually spends over at Hoseok and Namjoon's studying or drawing his boyfriend as he reads over his notes. And around nine that evening Jimin parades through the door bearing Taehyung and his suitcase. He points his finger at Jeongguk in the kitchen, halfway through a bite of cereal.
"You, you dense clueless boy. What did you do? Wait you know what never mind that, Taehyung already told me what you did. Why would you do that? You did not spend months pinning after Hoseok hyung to be dumb and hurt his feelings and storm off like some moody kid. Hoseok hyung is worried about you." Jimin slaps Jeongguk's arm and Taehyung perches himself on the counter opening his arms for Jeongguk and it's all the younger needs. Jeongguk sets his bowl on the counter and buries his face in Taehyung's chest arms wrapping around his neck. Taehyung and Jimin share a look over Jeongguk's shoulder.
Jeongguk doesn't cry just sniffles quietly and hiccups. Jimin feels bad immediately and soothes a hand down Jeongguk's back. Taehyung kisses Jeongguk's hair and coos softly. Jimin chews on his lip, hand still rubbing soothingly on Jeongguk's back.
"Jeonggukie, what's wrong?"
Taehyung shakes his head at Jimin and moves to slot Jeongguk more comfortably against his chest. It's another fifteen minutes of Jeongguk crying softly, tears wetting Taehyung's neck and Jimin feeling like shit for yelling at Jeongguk first thing and not asking him how he was holding up and why he was avoiding Hoseok. Then Jeongguk picks his head up off of Taehyung's chest, eyes puffy and red and skin blotchy smiling sadly.
"I have to break up with hyung, don't I?"
Jimin and Taehyung stare at him for a moment, eyes wide. Taehyung comes out of it first, shaking his bangs out of his eyes and quirking his eyebrows together, "Who told you that?"
Jeongguk steps back, "I did."
"And why would you think that?"
Jeongguk turns to Jimin, eyes puffy, bottom lip quivering, "Because he hates me. Doesn't he?"
Jimin looks halfway between a shriek and a laugh, eyes widened comically. Taehyung and Jimin question, "Who told you that?" at the same time.
Jeongguk sighs and leans against the counter, he stares up at the fluorescent light of the kitchen burning the forming tears back into place, "I don't wanna break up with him, but I'm just a fuckin kid, right?"
Taehyung hops off the counter, pulling Jeongguk to the living room couch, and he pats his lap for Jeongguk to lay his head there. Jeongguk is embarrassed and slightly mad at himself so he flops onto the couch and whines until Taehyung runs his fingers through his hair. Jimin sits on the armchair elbows braced on knees.
"Jeongguk," Taehyung starts, "you can't decide to breakup with hyung over something as small as this. I mean you sorta did act like a kid, bun, but you think hyung would've agreed to date you if he didn't want to? You know how hyung is. He can't be ungenuine about anything."
"Jeonggukie just talk to hyung."
He whines at Jimin's advice because he knows he should. He knows the mark of a healthy relationship is talking things out and voicing your feelings. But Jeongguk is scared (and mostly embarrassed) about his little outburst, even more so about expressing his emotions. Jeongguk is not one to talk perse, took everything in him to even admit to Hoseok that he liked him. And even now his ears burn at the memory of blurting out 'hyung, I like you' in the middle of a cafe a week before last year's Christmas. And every time after that that Jeongguk had uttered those same words his heart almost beat halfway out of his chest.
So Jeongguk is still a little childish in his ways. It's not like he's had a bunch of experience. This, what he had with Hoseok hyung, was his first serious relationship or rather one that Jeongguk could actually see lasting more than a year. He's yet to learn how to find a balance. What's surprised him most is that he's never been a jealous person with anyone ever. Even when Jimin and Taehyung made more friends every year it didn't give Jeongguk an ounce of uneasiness because he knew they would always come back to him. And they always did.
Truth is Jeongguk is sort of used to being the center of attention, all eyes on him. Greedy. Maybe that's what he is. Greedy.
"I'm just greedy aren't I? I want hyung even if I'm bad for him."
"You're not fucking greedy, Jeongguk. Listen we're not Hoseok hyung." Jimin huffs, "You need to talk this out with him. Meet up with him for god's sake hyung is so upset you know that?"
"I know."
"And I know the last thing you'd ever want to do is make the people you care about sad, so please stop moping and talk to hyung.
Jeongguk knows he's right, and he totally will talk to Hoseok. Just .... not right now.
❀❀
If Jeongguk is being brutally honest with himself the only reason he avoids Hoseok and his calls and texts for a whole two days are because he is utterly completely embarrassed. He made a fool of himself. Firstly by throwing a dumb tantrum that hurt Hoseok and then because he's avoiding Hoseok. Jeongguk then becomes embarrassed that he's even avoiding Hoseok, prompting him to avoid his boyfriend even more because of it. And so it goes on for almost the entirety of the week (almost a whole fucking week without seeing Hoseok or kissing his heart shaped lips).
But finally on Thursday night Jeongguk has a talk with himself in the shower. The steam still billows into his room when he's dressed and his face is alight with the blue glow of his screen.
From: Ggukie
hyung.
11:03 pm
From: Seokkie Hyung!
ggukie?
11:05 pm
From: Ggukie
can you meet me tomorrow at the mandu shop?
11:05 pm
From: Seokkie Hyung!
of course ggukie
what time?
11:06 pm
From: Ggukie
is 6:30 okay?
11:07 pm
From: Seokkie Hyung!
i'll be there jeonggukie
11:08 pm
From: Ggukie
thank you, hyung
11:09 pm
From: Seokkie Hyung!
sleep well, ggukie
11:13 pm
❀❀
Jeongguk's hands are clammy. He thought about getting a drink but he's afraid it'd make his hands shake, so he stares (a little awkwardly) out the window waiting for Hoseok. Jeongguk had mentally prepared himself, if this was the end point of his relationship with Hoseok then he would be okay with that. It would hurt, god, it would hurt but if it was for the best Jeongguk would mange.
Except all of that goes out the window when Jeongguk sees Hoseok crossing the street. Hoseok had recently dyed his hair a soft peachy blonde and Jeongguk had moped around about how he missed Hoseok's glossy dark hair. Missed the contrast of it against his fingers but as Hoseok crossed the street and the wind picked up Jeongguk found himself once again enthralled by how handsome Hoseok really is. God it ached, knowing Hoseok was beautiful inside and out, knowing that Jeongguk could lose him today.
And all too soon Hoseok is across the street and through the front door, eyes searching the shop until ... until they land on Jeongguk and his face breaks into a warm smile. Jeongguk sits, frozen. Hoseok strides over and Jeongguk panics, should he hug Hoseok? Or kiss him on the lips, like their usual greeting? Hoseok makes the decision for him, pulling a still sitting Jeongguk into a hug.
Jeongguk isn't gonna cry.
Hoseok sits. He still smiles warm and bright.
Jeongguk swallows.
"I missed you."
Well who fucking cares about not crying, anyways.
Jeongguk is thankful the place is packed and everyone is too busy with their own friends and that the corner they're sitting in offers a tiny bit of privacy because the tears start of their own accord. Hoseok shakes his head and scoots closer, thumbing the silent tears off of Jeongguk's cheeks and soothing a hand down his back.
"Hyung, I ... I'm so sorry." Jeongguk sniffles, "Hyung, I'm so sorry. I'm just a jealous greedy kid and I know I - I had no right to say what I did. Jackson is my friend too y'know and I shouldn't have reacted li-like a dumb kid but I did and I'm so sorry."
"Hey, hey, hey." Hoseok brushes Jeongguk's cheeks again, "Baby, hey, calm down for me, okay? Breathe for me, okay?" Jeongguk nods, taking deep breaths and calming the tears streaming from his eyes.
"Hyung," Jeongguk whines, "If you don't wanna deal with me, I understand. I know I'm moody and insecure and you don't deserve that. You shouldn't have to put up with me to spare my feelings."
Hoseok shakes his head again, "Baby, tell me what's wrong. Why are thinking like this all of a sudden? What's wrong, baby?"
Jeongguk wipes the last stray tears out of his eyes and wills his voice not to shake, "You're graduating soon, Hoseok hyung. Y-you're graduating and you probably don't want some 20 year old kid clinging onto you."
Hoseok sits back, blinking rapidly like he's having a hard time taking it in. Jeongguk continues, "The last thing I'd want is to make you uncomfortable hyung. And it's dumb and it's ... it's going to hurt but I think we should break up."
Hoseok tenses, back going rigid, fingers which had been rubbing circles on Jeongguk's wrists, still.
"What?"
Jeongguk stays silent.
"Jeongguk, what did you say?"
Hoseok pulls his fingers under Jeongguk's chin, forcing him to look into Hoseok's eyes. Jeongguk's eyes are probably still shiny with tears and he can feel his bottom lip quivering as he takes in Hoseok's face. Knitted eyebrows, big questioning eyes and a downward turn of his mouth. Hoseok takes a deep breath, "Is that really what you want, Ggukie?" He sets his hand on Jeongguk's, "Is that really want you want? Is that really what you think of me?"
"Hyung, I-"
"No Jeongguk. Did you really think that I would date you to make fun of you? Or to play with you and dump you once graduation came around? Is that really what you thought of me Jeongguk?"
"Hoseok, I don't want to be someone that ... kept you from doing what you wanted to."
Hoseok scoffs, "Why are you so distrusting of me? Why are you so insecure in what we are? Jeongguk I've told you before and I'll tell you again. I like you. You seriously think one dumb tantrum is enough to make me want to break up with you? Even ignoring me for a week isn't enough, Jeongguk."
Jeongguk feels tears in his eyes again and he wishes they would just stop. Wishes he could get this over with. Either walk out of here hand in hand with Hoseok and once again be able to kiss him and hug him whenever he wanted to or walk out knowing he'd never do those things again. It's stupid how two sentences and six days of silence can cloud Jeongguk's judgment. Fill his chest up with insecurities he thought he didn't have. Six days and Jeongguk is tired. He wants to come home, he wants to hold Hoseok and be with him.
"Hyung, I'm just sorry."
Hoseok's face softens, "I know, Ggukie. I know, baby."
"I just, I saw you being so friendly with Jackson," Jeongguk sniffles, "even though he's always friendly and so are you. And I just saw you together and I felt, felt so jealous, even though in my mind I knew it didn't mean anything. I acted like a jealous kid and I probably always do that after I have soju and I'm so sorry. Then I got home and I felt so bad and I started overthinking and I don't know how hyung but I convinced myself that you, that you hate me."
"Kid, I don't think I could ever hate you. Look at those big brown eyes." Hoseok smiles and Jeongguk fucking giggles through his tears. "I don't hate you Jeongguk. When graduation comes we'll figure it out, were you really thinking I'd leave you behind?"
Jeongguk sheepishly nods hands clinging to Hoseok's shirt sleeve, "Will you?"
Hoseok looks offended, "Of course I won't. I wanna keep you around, Ggukie. For as long as you want to be around me."
It's cheesy and Jeongguk hates cheesy but he gasps quietly and the ahjumma brings more water to the table next to them. Hoseok smiles, deep and blinding. Jeongguk hates cheesy but he still pulls Hoseok over the table and presses his lips to the elder's.