Chapter Text
Ignis knew that the life he led wasn’t normal. He didn’t have a typical childhood; his accelerated schooling and early responsibilities made the young boy mature with the mentality of an adult within a short time frame. By entering high school at the tender age of 12, he was far more advanced than any “normal” boy. His schooling was catered specifically to him and he didn’t go to a classroom or a school with other kids. Teachers were brought to him from all over Eos, the best the Crown could find. The faster he got through his schooling, the better he was for Noctis. More prepared, worthy and useful.
By having a selected and private schooling experience, Ignis knew he lacked in certain social skills. During his younger teenage years, puberty began to make an appearance and his body shot up like a weed, making him lanky and awkward. He became clumsy, his legs longer than he was used to. Acne spread across his cheeks and his voice deepened greatly; he felt embarrassed by how obvious puberty was affecting him. Hormones were such a bother, they got in the way of practically everything.
At 15, Ignis began using the little free time he had by requesting training sessions with Gladiolus Amicitia. The two had begun a friendship a few years prior, but it was stiff and formal. Both shared an immense duty to the Prince so it was only natural for them to start interacting, although Ignis wasn’t quite sure how to start and keep a friendship. Gladio was so much more observant than anyone gave him credit for and treated Ignis warmly, with kindness and respect. Somehow, he was able to read Ignis and his insecurities, maybe better than even Ignis could himself. The older boy took Ignis under his wing, slowly opening him up and making him comfortable. Gladio was like a fire during a cold day, you couldn’t help but be drawn to him; he just had that way with people. A natural ability. Ignis was envious, but grateful none the less.
Advisors typically didn’t need to join the Crownsguard, after all they were more on the intellectual battleground rather than the physical one. But Ignis, once again, knew his situation was atypical. He was to accompany his Prince almost everywhere and if they got attacked Gladio would protect Noctis as his Shield, but what was Ignis to do if he couldn’t protect himself? What point was there in that? He would need to be prepared for any eventuality and fighting was certainly a possibility. So yes, he would learn to fight, defend and join the Crownsguard. But honestly, it was a little ridiculous with the amount of work on his plate already.
Gladio kicked his ass on a regular basis, but after 6 months Ignis was able to hold his own, at least for a little while. Besides the grueling hours and bruised muscles, Ignis secretly enjoyed these sessions for another reason; spending time with Gladio.
Gladiolus was pretty much his only friend. With little time to barely get enough sleep every night, socializing was completely off the table. He considered Noctis his friend, of course, but the Prince had a special place in his heart; “friend” didn’t seem to be the right word for it. Gladio was in a totally different category, friend was the right word, wasn’t it? Gladio charmed his socks (with the sock garters) right off of him, made him smile, even laugh every once in a while. Ignis felt like he could relax next to the older teen, at least a little bit. Gladio welcomed Ignis in like a family member, never judging him or making fun of him, at least not seriously. They started to develop a healthy banter between them, a mutual understanding of each other and their duties to the crown. It felt so nice to have someone like Gladio get what he was going through, if at least only slightly.
Their relationship turned from new friends to best friends over the course of a year. It allowed Ignis to actually develop his personality and express himself, which wasn’t something he could allow himself to do while being smothered by his coursework and learning the duties of taking care of a Prince. Even Noctis noticed Ignis start to come out of his shell, which made their relationship all the better, it wasn’t so formal anymore, so stuffy, so practiced.
But where there was good in life, there was a balance of shit as well. By 17, Ignis was a member of the Crownsguard and was a year away from finishing school with a college level degree. Every minute of every day was scheduled out, no room for error. No sick days or distractions allowed. It was suffocating on the best of days, but on the worst Ignis could hardly keep his anxiety in check. He was practically a parent for Noctis at this point, and taking care of a 15 year old Prince who would rather sleep away his duties was hard for anyone to deal with, let alone Ignis, who was still technically a kid himself. But he didn’t let Noctis’ mood swings and picky eating best him, Ignis kept him on schedule and alive, which some days didn’t seem possible, with both boys threatening to strangle each other. I guess, Ignis decided, this is what having family would be like.
His anxiety started to take physical manifestations however. Sleep no longer came easily and was fickle, barely letting him hang on whenever he did happen to fall into a blissful abyss. Coffee became a lifeline; an addiction he could no longer control. There were moments where exhaustion became so heavy it weighed him down until he could barely stand it. It made him feel sick, the bags under his eyes growing with each passing week. Gladio noticed, the bastard, and finally forced Ignis to the doctor when he found the guy passed out in the locker room, only half way changed into his training clothes. Ignis fought him about it, of course, but Gladio won the argument. What if you fell asleep while driving, what if Noctis was in the car!? Fuck Ignis, get some damn help. It was a cheap shot, using Noctis like that, but true none the less.
He was prescribed an anti-anxiety medication, and gods bless Gladio, it did help. When his normal sleep schedule returned, it took the edge off. Made things a little more bearable again. He could breathe without the constant lingering thoughts of what if I fail at this, what if I’m not enough. I need to be enough.
Not that those thoughts disappeared entirely, but they could recede back into the darkness they were born from.
Life threw another shitstorm his way, once again. This time it was expected, but that didn’t make it any better. Hormones, the fucks, hit Ignis hard. His acne has started to clear, and he was almost done growing at 6 feet tall, but no, these hormones preoccupied Ignis’ body with pure arousal. He was a bit of a late bloomer in that respect, not really having time to deal with those sorts of things like masturbation, but after having wet dreams 3 nights in a row, he decided it was time to start a healthy habit of taking care of it himself. Sure, that was normal, but what wasn’t normal was the content of his dreams and the thoughts he turned to when he needed to come.
Gladio.
It was the way Gladio took off his shirt one afternoon during a regular training session. By all means it wasn’t anything out the ordinary, they were working hard and it got a bit hot in the training hall, it was a normal thing to do when you were a male during a workout. But as Gladio pulled the shirt over his head, chest breathing heavily, Ignis couldn’t tear his eyes away from the sweat that trickled slowly down his tan skin, moving sinfully across each curve of his pectorals down to his cut abs. Ignis gulped, forgetting to breathe; attraction hit him like a bullet train at full speed. The older teen then wiped his defined forearm across his forehead and then put both hands on his hips, his breath ragged. Ignis could perfectly picture what Gladio sounded like after having sex.
Trying to hide his quickly rising arousal, Ignis told Gladio to call it a day and practically ran towards the locker room, finding refuge in the shower, thanking the six that the stalls were private. With a hurried frenzy, Ignis braced a hand on the shower wall and pumped his cock, thinking of that one trickle of sweat that followed the harsh line from his abs down through the dark hair to the band of his shorts. The sound of Gladio’s labored breathing, his amber eyes, the tattoo lines that weren’t completely finished yet, and his plump bottom lip. Ignis silently, but violently, came with the final thought of Gladio’s hand on his cock instead of his own.
Guilt and shame immediately replaced the feeling of pleasure. He just jacked off, in a public locker room no less, to the thought of his best friend; where did his self-control go? But also, had he always been sexually attracted to men? Or was it just Gladio?
Honestly, did he have to add confusion over his sexuality to his list of things to worry over? As if he didn’t have enough on that list already.
Ignis couldn’t look Gladio in the eyes for two weeks. After further research, and only during late at night, Ignis came to the conclusion that he was indeed attracted to men, and possibly only men. But only time could tell, maybe he would change his mind later on, but then again, he didn’t think that held a high probability for him. He decided to keep this new knowledge hidden, it wouldn’t do to start rumors or a scandal, he didn’t have the time for romance; it was better to keep these thoughts under lock and key. He needed to keep his eyes off Gladio and keep their friendship the way it was, it was just attraction and that could be overcome.
But was it just attraction? What did he feel towards his friend? Admiration? Yes. Love? The thought scared him, made his breath catch in his chest, lungs not able to do a full inhale. Time to lock these thoughts away as well, control yourself, never let them show. Gladio had to be straight, it was no secret that he was a flirt with the Crownsguard women, he had heard the rumors of his sexual endeavors. You didn’t look like Gladio and not be popular in bed, it was like a law of physics: proven and unyielding.
Thankfully, there were other men Ignis found attractive: Nyx from the Glaive, the Royal Baker’s assistant who gave him baking lessons from time to time, a few models or actors made popular as of late, and even his own teacher who was ten years his senior, with his dark hair and strong jaw. Maybe Ignis had a type; strong, older and with angular features. He tried to focus on other men when his desires built up at night, but it was hard when that warm smile of his friend kept bursting into view.
Ignis might be in trouble. No, he was for sure entering dangerous territory.
Ignis graduated at the age of 18 with a college degree in Political Science with an emphasis on Military Strategy. There was an option to keep going for his Master’s, but he decided that his time was better served for his charge. At 16, Noctis needed him now more than ever, even if the boy would never admit it.
It was the day after his graduation that his life altered. For his achievements, the King threw Ignis a graduation party and it was attended by everyone he held dear. The King, Noctis, Gladio, his Uncle, Clarus and Iris Amicitia, Noct’s new friend Prompto (the boy was like a ray of sunshine, he couldn’t help but like him), a couple members of the Crownsguard he had become closer to, and his teacher, Dr. Arlo Hale. The night started off as a polite affair hosted at the Amicitia Manor, champagne and appetizers served with a custom banner made by Iris that said Congratulations Iggy! Iris may have only been 10 years old, but she was sharp as a tack and Ignis adored the girl. After a couple hours the King and Clarus bid Ignis farewell and returned to the Citadel. Iris was promptly put to bed by Jared and Ignis couldn’t help but chuckle at the pout on her face.
Dr. Hale also bid his farewell, letting the younger group have the party to themselves. Ignis walked him to the door and thanked him for joining them, his teacher was someone he held in high regard and respected. The man was young for all his accolades at 28 years old and had moved from Altissia to serve Ignis his education for the past two years, but now he’d be moving back to his home having fulfilled his purpose here in Insomnia.
“Ignis, if you have time after your party tonight, I’d like you to drop by my apartment. I’m afraid that tonight’s the only time I’d have to say a proper farewell before I leave for Altissia.” Ignis gave him a nod and handed him his jacket.
“Of course, Sir, I really appreciate all you’ve done for me.”
“None of this ‘Sir’ business, I’m not technically your teacher anymore, no need to be so formal. Please call me Arlo, you make me feel like an old man and I’m not even 30 yet.” Arlo laughed quietly.
“Ah, habit. I’m afraid I make everything a bit too formal.” Their eyes locked, Arlo’s dark brown to Ignis’ green. After getting his jacket on and opening the door, he reached for the teen’s hand. Ignis’ froze, he didn’t handle sudden touches very well unless it was Gladio or Noctis, he’d become used to them purely through repetition.
“You’ve grown to be quite the impressive young man. It’s a shame that I have to leave you, now that I see who you’re becoming.” His voice dropped in octave, his hand on Ignis’ tightened and then let go. Ignis’ smile wavered into something more like confusion, a weird feeling hitting the pit of his stomach, there was something unspoken lingering in those words.
“Anyway, see you tonight, yes? I’ll be up packing, don’t worry if you think it’s too late.” And with that he walked away into the light of the streetlamps, turning around once more to give Ignis a wave of his hand and Ignis smiled back, then closed the door.
That was weird, wasn’t it? It was…Ignis narrowed his eyes and tried to come up with the right word until he bit his lip when the thought struck him: suggestive. Was his teacher trying to be suggestive? Was there a hidden intention, something possibly inappropriate? Ignis couldn’t help but overthink it, and he continued to do so throughout the rest of the party. No doubt he enjoyed himself, that night was probably one of the best he’d had in a very long time. Filled with laughter and a cheery atmosphere, it was nice to spend time like this with his friends when it didn’t involve work. ‘Friends’, yes, the thought made him feel warm inside. Being in close proximity to Gladio for those hours made that warmth spread from his ears to his toes.
That warmth curdled into something inexplicable as he left the Amicitia Manor a few hours later when he found himself at the door of his teacher’s apartment. This was simple farewell, right? A proper goodbye, that’s why he was here. He’d give the man a firm handshake, possibly a hug, to show his appreciation and then he’d head home, ready to take a couple days off. That was Regis’ gift to him, a few days with no duties or responsibilities, time for him to relax as he wished. Ignis really couldn’t imagine a better gift, even though he’d probably only last a day before becoming fidgety with boredom. Ignis didn’t handle free time well. Gladio joked that maybe Ignis really was a robot, always needing a job to do to stay sane. Well, he wasn’t exactly wrong.
Arlo welcomed him into his home, which had bare walls and boxes stacking on top of each other, bubble wrap and shipping tape lying on the floor, the scent of cleaning supplies filtering through the air. He invited him over to the couch, offering him a glass of water and taking his coat. The larger furniture would be remaining in Insomnia, too hard to ship and easier to replace back in Altissia. Their conversation started as innocent reminiscing about when they first started Ignis’ upper level courses together, which preoccupied the last couple years. Laughing over fond memories of late nights and early mornings, squeezing in sessions when Ignis wasn’t taking care of the Prince was hard to do. Arlo was the one who introduced him to Ebony, stating that Citadel coffee just didn’t quite have the ‘punch’ it needed. Ignis was eternally grateful.
“I should probably head out, let you get some sleep. Honestly, Arlo, thank you for being my teacher. You’ll always have my appreciation.” Ignis figured that was an appropriate farewell and started to rise, however Arlo put his hand on his knee and kept him sitting. Ignis raised his eyebrows and obediently stayed where he was.
“Thank you, Ignis.” He paused, chest rising to take a deeper breath before continuing. “But you know, there’s something we never did cover in your curriculum and I’d be happy to teach you if you’d like me to.” Arlo still had his hand lightly gripping Ignis’ knee. Was he implying what I think he’s implying? Is he coming onto me? Ignis’ thoughts started to race as fast as his heart. That sinking feeling settling deep in his stomach.
“Um, that would be…?”
A chuckle, and eyes locked again, dark eyes staring directly at him with an unwavering fierceness. “A simple matter really, something I don’t think you’ve had the opportunity to experience, but I think you’d like; sex.”
It took a lot to shock and leave Ignis speechless, to cut off his brain’s ability to find the right words. Last time it happened was seeing Gladio in his tight, black briefs in the locker room. The outline of his bulge and muscular thighs locking his gaze so hard Ignis thought he might pass out. It took minutes for him to find his voice again and continue to change out of his own clothes. No doubt what he saw was 100% normal in a men’s locker room, but by the six, Gladio had no idea what he had just done to the poor teenager. This moment right now had the same effect of rendering Ignis wordless and pumping adrenaline into his veins.
Arlo seemed to sense his hesitation, possible fear. “Ignis, I’m not forcing you to do anything with me, you can leave right now and forget I ever said anything. However, I’m attracted to you, I can’t help it. I had a feeling that you might be attracted to me too. This would only be a one-time thing, but if you want this, I’m offering myself to you.” Arlo’s hand moved to lace his fingers with Ignis’ own and Ignis couldn’t help but blink and silently stare down at their interlocking hands.
Was this something he wanted? A chance to experience a multitude of chemical reactions and sensations, but with his own teacher? And a man no less. Was this the time to confirm his sexuality, ‘teenage experimentation’ he had heard others call it? Would this cause a scandal if it was found out, what would happen to him if he did go through with it? Hell, he’d never even kissed anyone before. Honestly, he figured he’d go his whole life without experiencing a semblance of romance. His duties would always come first and until Noctis was on the throne, would he even have time to pursue relationships? Was he overthinking this too? This wasn’t a normal situation. But then again, his life wasn’t ‘normal’.
Teenage rebellion was normal, would this count as that? How many years might pass him by before someone else expressed an interest in him? Ignis’ head swarmed with a million thoughts a second and his hands trembled, was he really debating this? Just get up and go. Don’t accept. Don’t cave in to carnal desire, don’t do something you might regret. This kind of spontaneity isn’t you.
Ignis caved.
He’d imagined his first time, if it ever happened, would be with someone he loved. Whenever that day came, it would be like a slow dance of passion, of whispered thoughts and shaky breath. Soft touches leading to frenzied movements with desperate mouths exploring every part of each other. They’d already have a relationship built on trust, respect, and an ability to communicate without words; something special. But this was not like that.
His heart threatened to rip itself out of his body with how hard it slammed into his ribcage. Ignis’ head couldn’t keep up with their actions and he felt like he was swimming under water, not able to rise to the surface for air. Arlo kissed him slow and softly, coaxing Ignis to use his tongue more, to open his mouth and allow him deeper. Clothes were peeled off and thrown to the floor, Arlo lying him down on the couch, kissing a trail down his body until his head was between Ignis’ trembling thighs and then took him into his mouth.
It all happened so fast. Fingers moving inside him and then replaced by Arlo himself. Desperate gasps and Ignis’ arms thrown over his face, eyes squeezed shut. Pleasure slowly overrode the pain, the two mixing together to create an indescribable feeling, but Ignis wasn’t sure if he liked it. He hadn’t the mental capacity to really process what was happening, something that had never happened before. Arlo took Ignis into his hand and jerked him as he rode into him, the sensation and friction finally building the heat and pressure until he could no longer stand it. With a broken cry Ignis came onto his stomach, Arlo picked up his speed and followed him soon after.
He left the apartment once he was dressed, driving home with an ache in his backside. Ignis was grateful they had used a condom at least. Arlo agreed to keep silence on the matter and wished him well in his life, knowing the two would probably never see each other again. The following few days were spent replaying the scene in his head, irrational guilt washed through his veins when Gladio paid him a visit one evening. He couldn’t know about this. No one could.
Three Years Later
Much of Ignis’ life had remained the same, except that being done with his education meant more time for Noctis. He had perfected the art of cooking in his downtime and tried to personally feed the Prince a balanced diet (one of the only things he ever did fail at). Being able to drink now, he had crafted a taste for wine, enjoying the relaxing tingle he could attain from a glass after dinner. Ignis spent his time trying to transition the Prince into his duties so he could one day successfully take the throne. Noctis was Ignis’ life, his duty, his focus; that much had never changed. Their bond only grew stronger as they got older.
Ignis grew confident and skilled over the past few years. His style changed from suits and vests to collared shirts, some even had some flair like studs or patterns. Noctis would always make fun of him for it, but Ignis was starting to enjoy fashion. He liked to care about his appearance, not that he was vain or anything of the sort. There was nothing wrong with dressing well, maybe Noctis could learn a thing or two. He had gotten new glasses and wore his hair with the front styled up, it was the trendy thing to do in all the magazines he browsed through. Mentally he felt like a 40 year old, but he had to remind himself he was only 21, he could have a youthful style if he wanted to.
He had his own apartment now located closer to Noct’s, which made his commute much shorter. It was decorated with clean lines and neutral colors; white cabinets, marble counters, chrome appliances. It was small, but had a view of the city and a nice balcony, the perfect spot to enjoy his cup of Ebony every morning (and evening if wine wasn’t an option). His living room had a large TV and a very cozy sectional, not that he spent a lot of time there. His bookcase was overflowing with textbooks, novels, and cookbooks, but he managed to organize it somewhat well. His bedroom had a large bed and a pillow top mattress, even though he was the only one who enjoyed it. He rarely brought somebody home these days; his love life consisting of one night stands, and not very many of them.
Gladio still held a steady grip on Ignis’ heart. If anything, that grip had only gotten stronger until it was locked and stuck. He was maddeningly and irrevocably in love with Gladiolus. It was almost infuriating how Ignis couldn’t move past him, stuck in this desperate and unresolved place for the past 4 years. He thought over time his feelings would cool down and he could move on, but they only grew hotter until Ignis could barely keep his control. He got used to the loneliness and the longing didn’t hurt quite so bad as it did before.
That was a lie, however. It did hurt. It hurt every day. Especially when Gladio would introduce him to a new girlfriend or talk about the date he went on the night before. Ignis could only put on the fake smile he wore so frequently it almost became a permanent part of his face. Gladio also went into detail about his sex life, joking around that Ignis is missing out by being too ‘busy’ to date. It was normal guy talk, what normal friends did, but Ignis didn’t have normal feelings and hearing the weird kinks his new girlfriend was into made Ignis feel disgust and shame build inside him until they would ooze out of his pores.
The only saving grace was that Gladio was frequently single, never really holding onto a girl for too long. His reputation amongst the Crownsguard was updated to player, but Ignis didn’t think that was the case. Something else was going on that he couldn’t quite figure out, possibly he was afraid of commitment? Gladio’s only reasoning for his frequent break ups was nah, just didn’t have that connection. It was common for him to connect with a girl sexually, but beyond that it was lacking. I don’t want someone just for sex, ya know? Ignis knew. And secretly found a swell of happiness whenever Gladio was single again, not like it meant anything for Ignis, but it was hard to watch the man he was in love with have his arms around someone else.
That at least, was a normal thing to feel. And regrettably Ignis held on. It might be fruitless, but he couldn’t let go, no matter how hard he tried.
Maybe one day, a resolution would come for him. A way for Ignis to finally let Gladio go.
Just maybe.