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Roman has a problem. A big fucking problem. He could stop it. Move on with his life. Sure, it's not much of one but right now he's grasping at straws for something that will clearly never happen.
But he wants it, presses a kiss to Seth's temple. "Stay this time."
"You know that's not how this works." Seth exhales contently beside him.
"Yea... but I know you want to."
Seth gives him that smile that tells Roman he's right but it doesn't stop him from sitting up on the bed. The glow of the tv hits the side of his face and, god, Roman could stare at him all night like this.
"Maybe someday. Gotta get home."
And that's how it is. He watches Seth get dressed, take the money he's owed from Roman's wallet, and blows him kiss on the way out. Four A.M. on the dot, like always.
Roman hears the sound of his apartment door close and sighs. He shouldn't ask Seth to come by anymore because it's not simply nights like this where their hands are all over each other, it's the other times where they lay in bed and watch old movies, where they just keep each other company. He wants more than he can have.
He's falling in love.
The thing is, Roman's starting to believe that maybe Seth might feel something for him too. Least it feels that way sometimes. Like when Seth shows up the next night with bags of groceries and a smile on his face.
"Your fridge looked empty last night so I snatched the grocery list on it. Did you even notice?"
Roman shakes his head. "Didn't, uh..."
"You get outta bed today?" He asks walking into the kitchen.
"I did. Changed the sheets. Showered." He knows it's nothing but the look Seth gives him makes Roman feel like he just climbed a mountain.
So Roman has more problems than falling for Seth. Agoraphobia with a giant serving of depression has left Roman mostly stuck in his apartment for over a year now. He's been on meds and has exhausting conversations with his therapist every week trying to dissect just how it all started. How one month to the next Roman couldn't handle walking down a busy street.
Thankfully all he needs is an internet connection to prevent him from starving to death or making sure he has the essentials. He wasn't exactly planning for Seth to be one of those essentials when he signed up for a dating app. Originally he just wanted someone to talk to that wasn’t his therapist, which, really, who was he fooling? After a slew of less than stellar hook ups he came across Seth's profile. Five minutes into texting back and forth it was obvious this was going to be a monetary exchange. But Seth was cute so why not?
Started off simple enough three months ago. A nice romp, followed by Roman holding him for a little while, afterwards Seth would leave. Easy. Then one night Roman had a panic attack right as Seth was on his knees unzipping Roman’s pants. It was so embarrassing. But to his surprise Seth just rolled with it.
“Are you ok?” Seth had asked him a soft calm voice.
“Y-yeaaa… no. Fuck. Just- I- I need a minute. Fuck.” Roman laid back on the bed shutting his eyes trying to stop the room from spinning.
Seth stayed where he was, hands on Roman’s knees. “Roman? Talk to me. What’s going on?”
“...Anxiety. Uh, I- I’m not usually like this.” If Roman could breathe he would’ve laughed at himself. His entire life was like this.
When the room came to a halt Roman saw that Seth had left, and if he didn’t feel shitty enough being abandoned was the icing on the cake.
“How do you not have booze?” Seth walked in a second later holding a mug. “I made you tea. You really don’t have much in that kitchen.”
“I don’t like mixing it with my meds.” He mumbled, sat up and took the mug. “Thanks…”
“So what was that about?”
“You’ll just laugh.”
Seth rolled his eyes. “Yea. Exactly. I’ll point at you and shout ‘This guy has anxiety! Isn’t it the funniest thing?’ You’re a really nice guy Roman. Hell, you don’t even pull my hair when we fuck.”
So Roman spilled. Told him everything about being trapped and the various meltdowns he’s had out in public. Seth listened, and they next time they met he brought a few things with him.
Seth had played it casual. “Your shampoo was low, and you had like one egg in your fridge. I’d rather you not starve to death while I’m bouncing on your lap, you know?”
And now here they were.
Whatever they were.
Roman just needs to tell him like he did about his anxiety issues. Let it out and deal with it. Which, coming from a guy who has to psych himself up every week to go to the mailbox, is far easier said than done.
“I bought steak.” Seth says emptying the grocery bags on the counter. “I know it wasn’t on your list but I remember that story you told me the other week. You know about that fancy as fuck restaurant you went to years ago? Well, little do you know I’m a fucking amazing cook sooo…”
Roman finds a bottle of wine in one of the bags and eyes Seth. “This wasn’t on the list either.”
“We can’t have a nice dinner without wine.” He grins. “C’mon, it’ll be fun. I never get to do anything like this with any of my other clients.”
And that nagging feeling hits him again. Is that all they are? Why is he even surprised by that? Why does it hurt?
“I’m sure you have plenty of clients that take you to nice restaurants.” Roman says with an edge in his voice he poorly hides.
“Well, yea, but I gotta wear a suit and act stupid. Worship them and barely eat a damn bite.”
Roman shrugs. “We should have dinner in our boxers then.”
Seth immediately perks up, takes two steps over to Roman and kisses him, smile spreading across his lips as he does. “Yea! Perfect.”
And that’s how they end up eating steak and drinking wine on the couch in their boxers. Roman finds some channel playing some 80s action movie and they settle in. It’s moments like this that make Roman’s heart ache, make him want to say something. But what can he say? This isn’t a real anything, let alone relationship.
“We could switch to something else if you’re bored.” Seth says sipping at his drink but Roman shakes his head.
“Nah, I, uh, sorry. It’s not…” Now or never. He was alone before he met Seth, he can handle being alone after. “Guess I’m kinda tired.”
Never seems like a solid option. Maybe Roman will be lucky and slip into some kind of coma when he goes to bed later, then Seth will never know a thing. But the night continues and Roman drinks a little more than he should, the pair of them now relaxing on the couch, Seth laying back against Roman’s chest as he holds him.
“I really like you.” Roman says before he can stop himself. Instantly grows tense, every second he waits for Seth to answer feels like twenty.
“I like you too.” But the ways he says it is so casual. He knows it’s not the same.
“Ok.” He’s pathetic beyond words.
Seth shifts in his arms, moves to sit up and get a good look at him. Roman’s stomach twists into a tight knot, he knows he’s fucked up.
“Roman, you know we’re not…” Seth glances away like he’s searching for the right words. Ones that won’t hurt too much but secure a distance between them. “I don’t date clients, even the really nice ones like you.”
Roman wonders if the complement means anything or if Seth just doesn’t want to see him cry. Could be the alcohol in his system but Roman decides to push this as far as he can. After tonight he’ll never call Seth again.
“If you could, would you?” Roman asks in the steadiest voice he can muster. Does his voice always sound this deep?
“What? Date you?”
“Yea.”
“This isn’t-”
“Answer the question.” He says a bit more forceful than he means to be but if this is it Roman wants a real answer. “I know I’m all fucked up. I just need to hear you say no.”
Seth crosses his arms. “Who says I’d say no?”
“So you would?” And there’s his heart pointlessly racing ready and willing to be stomped on.
“I didn’t say that either.”
Roman narrows his eyes trying to understand while Seth laughs. “Look, Roman, I do like you. But I never really… It’s all so temporary. You’ve only been seeing me a few months, of course you feel something. They all do. One day you’ll scroll onto someone else’s photo and you won’t call me anymore. That’s not a slight against you, that’s just how things are.”
“How are you so sure it’ll work out that way? Maybe I don’t want someone else.”
“Why do you even want me?” Seth asks, those big brown eyes of his staring into Roman. “Really, why?”
Three months isn’t long at all in the scheme of things. But he doesn’t need all that time to come up with a reason. No, it started two weeks in.
“Cause you made me tea.”
Seth tilts his head, lips parted in this confused pout that Roman desperately wants to kiss. “What? I don’t-”
“One night I had a panic attack in front of you, I was so fucking embarrassed. You got up and made me tea, then we just sat in bed for hours. You were kind. I don’t think that’s something a picture of a pretty face is gonna replace.”
For a moment it’s silent, both of them gazing at each other trying to figure out their next step.
“I can’t fix your problems.”
“I’m not asking you to.”
Seth’s arms are tight across his chest. He could easily tell Roman to fuck off but he isn’t. He’s frustrated, trying to end this and get back to an hour ago. “I have a life. I have other clients. You live in a bubble. How the hell would it work? Why are we even having this conversation? I don’t date clients!”
“But, if you could, would you?”
The look on Seth’s face hurts, wounded and it’s Roman’s fault. He sighs getting up from the couch and pulling on his jeans. Roman watches as he puts on his shoes and grabs his jacket. He should’ve kept his mouth shut.
Then Seth leans in, kisses him softly. Lips grazing against his as he speaks. “Yea... I would.”