Chapter Text
The scent of blood was heavy in the air, along with the lingering, acrid stench of the Titans. Unlike human blood, the Titans' evaporated, but the stink of them remained for hours after an encounter. A smell like sulfur, pus, and putrid flesh. Mike could easily tell the difference between their actual approach and that insistent, cloying remnant of their presence, but that didn't put him too much at ease. It was a reminder of what they'd been through and what they'd lost.
He usually rode with his squad, but the formation had been hopelessly scattered during their retreat to the gate. There had been unexpected setbacks, along with the expected tragedies. In the last moments, no one had cared about maintaining order as much as making it back, and Mike, in the confusion that Erwin did his best to combat, had ended up riding beside Levi. He glanced over at the captain and guided his horse closer to him. Not for any specific reason. Because they were riding together and it had been a long, draining day. Because they were both exhausted; and because few things united such disparate people as irrevocably or as horribly as what the Survey Corps endured together. He was about to offer an encouraging word, or to catch Levi's eye so he could share a glance with him that would reaffirm that he wasn't alone, when Levi's expression shifted abruptly. His lip curled in disgust and his nose wrinkled. He inhaled and muttered to himself, "It fucking stinks."
He was looking straight ahead, and Mike wasn't sure if he was meant to overhear, but in his surprise, he asked, "What?"
Levi turned toward him, as if noticing him there for the first time. There was an instant in which he visibly hesitated. He appeared almost uncertain, an unusual look to find on his face. It was fleeting. The disgust faded quickly from his face, leaving his expression impassive. "Nothing."
Mike nodded, but he kept close to Levi as they rode onward through the streets of the town. Levi must not have minded. He didn't adjust his course, didn't pull away, even though they were riding side by side, their legs nearly touching. Mike hardly heard the mixed cheers and jeers from the gathered crowd. He'd grown used to the changing climate of public opinion that shifted easily from praise, into mockery, and back again. He was thinking of something else.
What had Levi meant? He'd mentioned the scent when they'd entered the gate, not when they were leaving. They had been stinking of sweat, blood and Titan for some time at that point. Had he waited until that point to mention it, because they were finally free to relax and speak? Or had he been talking about something else? He'd sniffed as if at some new element. Mike knew a lot about the language of sniffs, more than anyone else. Smelling something new and enduring an older smell--those actions were carried out with different types of inhalations. Most people were glad to breathe in the air behind the gates, to know that they were home and still alive, whole enough to draw in breath.
Not Levi. And not Mike.
Mike didn't mention it, and Levi didn't either, but he wasn't about to put it out of his head. It warranted remembering.
***
"Mm? What is it?" Mike could hear rather than smell Erwin's eyes opening, his voice becoming more distinct as Mike's call brought him out of the doze he'd been falling into.
"Do you smell anything, when you come in through the gates?"
Erwin shifted in bed, reaching a hand back to settle on Mike's hip. "Smell anything? Why? What should I smell?" Unsurprisingly, Erwin spoke of it as if there was some useful intelligence he was missing and expected to be given. He wanted to know everything.
"Nothing, I guess," said Mike, echoing Levi's own response earlier that day. "I just wondered if you noticed anything."
"A city will have a scent. People, animals, fire, food, the dust of the street, the wood and stone of the houses... Humanity builds, creates a presence, perceivable to all the senses."
"True," Mike agreed, although that wasn't exactly what he meant. He nuzzled the back of Erwin's head. Erwin's hair smelled much cleaner since he'd washed following the mission, but although it had dried from its washing, it was now damp again with sweat.
"That's what sets humanity apart," Erwin said. "It's worth preserving. That vigor, that creative energy."
"I know." There was nothing unexpected about Erwin's answer. Mike wasn't sure how to bring up his own question about Captain Levi. He didn't know exactly what his question was, so he didn't say anything about Levi, but in his mind, he pictured the twitch of Levi's mouth and that arrogant, scornful sniff. What had surprised Mike was not that Levi had objected to some scent, but the idea that someone else could sense what he did. He'd been startled by recognition and sympathy, waiting where he hadn't expected to find it.
Mike wrapped his arms around Erwin's waist. No one knew more about vigor and creative energy than Erwin. He was fierce and relentless, oddly so, after a mission. As restrained as Erwin usually was, in bed he could be frighteningly uninhibited, when the mood struck him. Mike still felt sore from the bite marks on his neck and shoulders. Now that Erwin was calm again, he would hold him and hope that whatever demon it was that moved within him was sated. He put thoughts of the captain out of his mind temporarily, because his commander needed him.
***
Levi was restless after they arrived, stalking through the halls of the building with a haunted look. His squad, unlike Mike's, displayed a nervous tension in their bearings as they eyed their superior, backs straight, chins raised.
Mike stood in the front hall, watching Levi pass out of sight and then return. The others showed every sign of waiting for him. Although he was collaborating with Levi, not serving under him, Mike waited too, curious, reminded of what he'd seen and heard upon entering the gate. At last, Levi came to a halt before him, gazing up at him sternly, as if he were to blame for the current state of affairs. "It's absolutely disgusting," he pronounced.
Mike nodded. "I know." He agreed wholeheartedly. The dust was irritating his nostrils, and the mold creeping along the walls was worse than that. Not to mention the mildew, the damp, and the rot.
He must have looked more pleased or have spoken more warmly than he intended, because Levi regarded him warily. "You think so?"
Like the rest of the Corps, Mike knew about Levi's now-legendary dislike for dust and grime, but until this moment, he'd never taken the time to ask himself if the smell of those things might be an important factor in his aversion. Mike didn't care for filth and disorder either, but people noticed his dislike less, as he usually didn't bother to speak of it. He would quietly clean, or else bear it and spend as much time as he could outside or next to open windows, inhaling the fresher air. "I agree, Captain."
"So then--?"
"Let's get to work," said Mike. He turned to his squad members and nodded.
Mike had a knack for cleaning. He could sniff out all the places the dirt lived and attack it. Every crack and cranny and corner. The stink and decay had identifiable sources and could usually be scrubbed out once they were sussed out. He moved quickly and efficiently. He was tall enough to reach the highest places, which Erwin himself would have had trouble accessing without a step stool. It wouldn't have been wrong to say that Humanity's Second Strongest was also Humanity's Second Best Cleaner.
"You're not bad," said Levi when they were finished, his tone simultaneously both grudging and admiring. It was evening, the last daylight finally giving out as shadows crept in. Both their squads were worn out, lagging and trying their best to look less weary than they felt, but Levi and Mike were no less energetic than when they'd begun, still standing up straight, glancing around as if in search of more disorder to combat.
"Smells a lot better," said Mike. His nose had been agitated by disturbing all the dust and then applying harsh cleaner, but it would be better soon, as the air was clearing.
Levi spent some time contemplating him before replying. "Yeah, it does."
After the cleaning was done, there was dinner to prepare, along with the numerous other chores and duties that were constant in the life of a soldier. It wasn't until later that night that Mike found himself alone with Levi. Their subordinates had gone to their rooms, to sleep, as ordered. Levi was brewing tea in the dining room, and Mike stood watching him, wondering whether he was going to get to bed, too. Apparently not. The odor of the tea, filling the air, was bright, sharp, but woodsy. Not caustic like the cleaners, fortunately.
"Not a bad day," Mike said.
Again, Levi looked at him for a long moment before he said anything. "Guess not. We made this shithole remotely habitable."
"Right."
Levi shook his head. "You're weird, you know that?"
In response, Mike only nodded, and Levi sighed. The teapot was resting on the table, flanked by cups, and Levi took up the pot and poured tea into one of the cups before asking, "You want some?"
"Sure."
Mike wasn't completely sure what to make of Levi. They were comrades, and he trusted him in battle, but he had trouble deciding what Levi thought of him. He might have had an easier time of it if he'd simply leaned in and smelled him deeply, but Levi's forbidding air deterred even Mike. Not that that was the only reason for his caution. He remembered very well how they'd first met: the texture of the rough cloth of Levi's clothes beneath his hands as he'd pushed him down into the filthy water. He had been following orders, or rather, carrying out Erwin's wishes, but that didn't change what he'd done. Levi hadn't spoken to him about it, but the water had smelled pretty bad.
Levi poured him a cup of tea, then took a seat. Mike sat down across from him. "Smells good, doesn't it?"
Levi nodded, inhaling the steam rising from his cup. "Don't you smell every fucking thing?"
"Right," Mike agreed.
"How come?"
"It tells me things," Mike said. "I can learn a lot."
"But you don't smell me."
"Not really," he admitted. He couldn't avoid getting some scent of Levi, when in his presence, but he tried to maintain his distance.
"Why, do I smell like shit or something?"
Mike thought he detected a humor-like quality in Levi's tone, which was rare enough coming from the captain that it confused him momentarily. "No."
"I know it's not my rank. You can't get your nose away from Erwin's ass."
Mike was quiet, at this. He wasn't sure what to make of that remark. Did Levi know about him and Erwin, or was he reading too much into it? No one was supposed to know about that. Some people did, yes; it was unavoidable considering the closeness of the Corps. It had been impossible to keep it from Nile and later Hange, for instance.
"And you've known each other a while, right?" Levi prompted, when Mike didn't say anything.
"That's right."
"So you must know how he smells already."
Mike nodded, although that was a complicated issue, considering the fact that he had trouble getting anything from Erwin. Even his scent was elusive and hard to read. That was probably part of the reason he couldn't stop smelling him--but only part.
"Yet you keep sniffing him all the damn time, and you haven't sniffed me once."
He guessed from this remark that Levi didn't know about the two of them, or if he did, he wasn't letting on. Mike relaxed. He didn't want to have a conversation about him and Erwin. "You want me to sniff you?"
Levi pursed his lips. "I wouldn't go that far. Don't get ahead of yourself. I want to know why the hell not?"
It was a valid question, if not an expected one. "Thought you might not like it."
"Well, I don't. Who wants your big nose shoved in their face? That doesn't stop you when it comes to anyone else."
He had a good point. It didn't. "Well..."
"If this is about some fuckery of Erwin's that happened years ago, then I'm going to kill you."
"Hm," said Mike, who didn't particularly want to die.
Levi took this as an answer. "Why would I still give a shit about that?"
Mike shrugged, but Levi either didn't notice his reticence, or he didn't care.
"Treat me like everyone else," Levi said finally.
"All right." Mike had no reason to object to this request, so he didn't.
"Even if I'm a freak of nature, so is everyone else here, so I'm not any different."
"You've got a point," Mike agreed. That was a fairly apt remark about the Survey Corps.
Levi raised an eyebrow. "Was that a joke?"
"Maybe." Mike wasn't entirely sure if it was, but probably. He and Levi weren't known for their jokes, so when they tried to joke with each other, it had the result of confusing them both.
Mike took a sip of tea, then rose to his feet. Levi watched him through narrowed eyes. "Where are you going?"
He walked around the table to where Levi sat. "Damn it," Levi began to protest. "I didn't mean--" Mike leaned down, positioning his nose beneath Levi's ear, and sniffed his neck. It was a prime smelling spot, good for getting the most of someone's scent. He took in a few deep, generous sniffs as Levi swore at him. "You goddamn overgrown, ugly giant, will you fucking--"
Mike drew back before he could finish that statement, though he could guess at the general direction it was headed in. He blinked. Levi didn't smell like Erwin at all--there was nothing hard to read about his smell. It was as informative as almost everyone else's. That didn't surprise him, but there was something different about Levi's scent, something he had suspected but had never admitted to himself, considering that he'd only caught faint whiffs of it. Most of the times they'd been close, Levi's scent had been masked by another smell: blood, sweat, filth, Titans, cleaning solution. This was his first clear scenting, and Levi smelled--really good. Fresh and clean and sweet. Like a flower, like nectar. There was something so incongruous about the severe, sharp, and dangerous man bearing such a light, delicate scent that Mike wasn't immediately sure how to react.
Levi noted the hesitation. "What?" What is it?"
"Nothing." Mike wasn't sure if You smell like a flower was something Levi was ready to hear. In silence, he walked back around the table and sat down again. He took a sip of his tea.
"That's it?" Levi asked.
"That's it."
Levi shook his head. "You really are fucking weird, Zacharius."
Mike had no argument to offer.
***
When Erwin came in to see him, he shut and locked the door behind him as Mike rose to his feet. "It's good to see you, Mike."
"You too," said Mike, and he'd barely managed to speak the words before Erwin's arm was sliding around him, pulling him in closer.
Mike kissed him. There was a matter-of-factness to their physicality that made it feel inevitable. It was one of the ways they related to each other. Both of them were used to it. It was usual, but not dull, a habit that was much more exciting than any other. Mike ran a hand over Erwin's back.
"I'm tense," said Erwin, a simple admission, but it was rare for him to voice what might be construed as an emotional reaction to events.
Mike understood what he wanted. He helped Erwin to undress, unbuckling straps and unbuttoning buttons. His skin was warm. Mike was already hard. Looking at him was enough to do that. It was his usual response to Erwin.
"Here." Erwin offered the oil he'd brought with him, withdrawing it from a jacket pocket, and Mike shook his head.
"Always prepared."
"Always."
Erwin bent over the desk. It wasn't as if they had time for a protracted liaison, considering that the building was full of Survey Corps members, but they'd gotten skilled at making time over the years. Mike wet his fingers and slipped them inside Erwin, working in the oil. Erwin remained quiet, but Mike could feel himself being urged on, Erwin's eagerness clear in the spread of his legs, the tilt of his hips, the way he held his head. It was good, sometimes, to be quick, for them to take what they wanted in spite of everything around them. Mike slid inside him. They fit together well. They had had no shortage of practice.
It was hard to keep quiet, but Mike knew it was harder for Erwin than it was for him. He was better at being quiet. Erwin liked to talk, but he behaved himself. He kept his mouth shut. It wouldn't do for their subordinates to know what they were doing. This wasn't the way superior officers should be behaving, as if they were once again a couple of adolescent trainees who couldn't curb their appetites.
The only sound Erwin made was a long sigh as he came. Mike came afterward, and he leaned forward to sniff at Erwin's throat, to breathe in that maddening, unreadable non-smell that he identified as Erwin's.
When they were done, they buttoned up their pants and refastened the things that had been undone. Mike knew he was going to be uncomfortable until he had the chance to wash, but the positive side was that he could carry the scent with him. Erwin, smoothing his hair down, was as unruffled as ever. He calmly started to discuss his business as if nothing untoward had happened. Mike would gladly have spent more time fucking him, or kissing him, but that was a luxury they rarely had. He sensed and respected Erwin's wishes. He put his own out of his mind as he listened.
He could tell there were truths Erwin was keeping from him. That was a constant, and it was frustrating, but the frustration remained relatively minor this time. He understood what Erwin was doing. His ideas about training and discipline weren't the same as that of his own superiors, so he assigned some extra-curricular learning, as it were. That's what they were doing here. Mike could appreciate the importance of Erwin's plans. He would follow his orders. That was what he did.
He passed Levi in the hall afterward. A frown pulled on Levi's mouth as his gaze focused on something. Mike couldn't decide if it was a spot on the wall that held his attention or if he was staring out the window. He couldn't tell exactly where Levi was looking, but as he approached him, the question was resolved, as Levi turned to face him. His expression was blank, at first, but shifted into what looked like surprise, a line forming between his brows as his eyes widened. This apparent startlement lasted for an instant before disappearing into disinterest. Mike wasn't sure what he could have done to inspire it, but Levi wasn't easy for him to read, even if Mike did have tacit permission to smell him now, which he promptly leaned in to do.
Levi cuffed him in the head. Not hard, but firmly enough to make Mike draw back. "What was that for?"
"That's what happens to dogs that misbehave."
Mike was fairly certain this was a joke on Levi's part, considering that the blow had been nothing but a light tap. He didn't take offense, and he didn't try to smell him closely again. He could scent him clearly enough from here, and there was nothing odd that inspired him to investigate further. He had intended nothing but a friendly sniff, before he got cuffed. "Fair enough."
"You got your orders, too."
"Right."
Neither of them discussed it further, as there was the chance that Erwin had given them different instructions that he hadn't intended them to share. They both trusted him.
"It's already musty in here again," said Levi, changing the subject, "but it's cold outside."
Mike could see as well as smell the problem. Opening the windows would clear out the mustiness, but it would freeze them all.
"Time to clean," said Levi, and Mike nodded. Within a few minutes, they were hard at work, scouring and scrubbing, wiping down windows and walls. Mike had managed to locate some vinegar and suggested it as a substitute for the harsher cleaners that hurt his nose. Without the harsh smell to deal with, Mike would have gone so far as to say he was enjoying himself.
"You've wasted no time in getting to work." Mike raised his head to see Erwin standing above him. With his nose full of vinegar, Mike hadn't noticed his approach. He nodded.
"Not exactly what I had in mind, but this will soon be one of our cleanest facilities, I can tell."
"I need it to be clean to work." Levi emerged from the next room. He stood in the doorway, regarding Erwin defiantly.
"Far be it from me to interfere with your productivity."
Levi sniffed. "Mike understands."
Erwin turned to Mike. For once, he didn't have that familiar look on his face, the one that suggested he'd already known how everything would play out before it happened. The idea of an understanding between Mike and Levi seemed not to have occurred to him previously. "Can I assist?"
"You're the commander," said Levi. So, no. "I'm sure you have more important work to do. Or maybe you could use some recreation?"
There was a slight edge to the last word, which Mike didn't understand, and which appeared to baffle Erwin as well. "It's clear that I'm only interfering with your current mission," said Erwin lightly. "But I wish you luck. Just bear what I've said in mind."
When Erwin was gone, Levi didn't return to the room in which he'd been cleaning previously. "Always has his damn nose in everything," he said.
Mike was surprised to have this observation directed at him. He was unused to anyone saying anything remotely negative about Erwin in front of him. He was the loyal follower. He didn't question Erwin, as far as anyone but Erwin knew.
"No wonder you get along so well," said Levi.
Mike thought he was getting the hang of telling when Levi was joking. "Right," he answered promptly. He swiped the nearest wall with his vinegar cloth. As he glanced away, he thought he saw Levi's lips twitch.
***
He fell into step beside Erwin that afternoon as they crossed the grounds outside the outpost, after having inspected the troops and given their orders. There was a flicker of movement on Erwin's other side, and Mike saw that Levi had done the same, walking in sync with Erwin as Mike did, so that all three of them were in step. Erwin had more instructions for them, so he took them aside to speak to them in private. This time, he had no qualms about addressing them simultaneously.
Mike had grown used to Levi's presence over time, but he was more keenly aware of it today than he had ever been. He was more attuned to his scent now that he had gotten a clearer sense of it. He smelled him, and he watched him, out of the corner of his eye. Levi was swift and brilliant in battle, but at rest, he was supremely still and somber. He listened to Erwin without reply, not even a nod, but one could tell that he was listening by the intensity of his gaze, fixed on Erwin, impassive but piercing. Mike wondered what he looked like, when he watched Erwin. Was there anything of note in his expression? He and Erwin had been friends for years. Looking at Erwin felt normal to him, but there was more to it than that.
Erwin had strange effects on people. He exerted a pull. Mike didn't believe himself immune. There were probably those who could see something odd in him, when he looked at Erwin. One thing Mike was aware of, which he hoped wasn't visible, was his physical desire. It was difficult to be so close to someone you wanted yet so often unable to touch them. He tried to focus on Erwin's words, tried not to think of what had happened earlier that day, of Erwin wet and tight around his fingers. Damn it.
Fortunately, he managed to push those thoughts out of his mind and take in everything Erwin was saying. He had years of practice in denying himself. He could make himself forget while they went about their business. When Erwin had finished talking, Mike half-hoped that he would ask Mike to stay behind, that there would be a repeat of what happened earlier. No such luck. He returned to his squad, and Levi returned to his. The corridors smelled fresh, if distinctly of vinegar. Vinegar was preferable to mold, any day.
Mike continued to hope. He hoped that Erwin would come to him after dinner, or later still, as the light faded and the hours wore on, but he didn't. As time passed, he grew tired of waiting, and the images in his mind became harder to push away: the lines of Erwin's body, the curve of his ass, the curl of his smile. He sat down on the bed and unbuttoned his pants, which were already feeling uncomfortably tight. He wished he had something of Erwin's to hold, so he could press it to his face and feel closer to him. The scent of sex had faded from his body and clothes. He stroked himself quickly. He wasn't looking to draw it out. He wanted relief after hours of suppressed frustration. That was all. He clenched his teeth and came with a quick grunt.
That helped, but after he cleaned himself off, he was restless. Night had fallen while he'd waited. When he looked out the window, he could see stars, half-hidden by the branches of the trees that grew up around the building. It was cold, but it wasn't fully winter yet, and there were still leaves on the branches, the green fading from them with each day, brown and red and gold slowly asserting themselves.
He wasn't worried about the dark. Night could be a time of danger, in the city, for instance, but it could be a time of safety, as it was outside the walls. He felt at ease in the darkness. He could smell most threats, and he got around well enough, although the illumination was limited to starlight and what could be seen of the moon. He put on his cloak and ventured out. There was nowhere in particular for him to go. His destination was purely outside, his intention to walk until he felt tired enough to go to sleep. He didn't expect to find anyone else who'd had the same idea, but when he picked up on a smell he now identified as Levi's, he paused. It wasn't the fading remains of his scent. He was fairly close.
Mike didn't want to disturb him, so he moved quietly. He could have turned around and left, respecting what may have been a desire for privacy and solitude. He might have done that, but then he heard a voice, speaking--low and insistent, but not clear enough to make out the words. Erwin's voice.
Mike paused, then drew carefully nearer. Both Levi and Erwin were difficult men to take by surprise, and why should he want to sneak up on them? He shouldn't be listening to them without their knowledge. He should be respectful and move away. He wasn't an eavesdropper. No, sometimes he did eavesdrop when Erwin asked him to, but that was different. It was his job. This was more personal.
The moon conspired with him to show Erwin and Levi, standing on the edge of a clearing behind the building, far enough away that they couldn't be heard inside. Levi stood facing Erwin, gazing up at him, and although it was too dark for Mike to see his expression, he wondered if it was the same one he'd worn earlier that day when watching Erwin: violently focused. Minutes passed--was it that long, or did it feel like that long because Mike was where he wasn't supposed to be?--and neither of them moved or spoke. Mike had the distinct impression he was seeing something he shouldn't, but he was transfixed and unable to move away, or that was what he told himself. He didn't want to go.
Erwin moved first, reaching out an arm to take Levi's, and then Levi quickly spoke, his voice as caustic as one of his more brutal cleaners. "Don't you dare lay a hand on me."
Erwin instantly drew his hand back. "All right. I won't."
"That's better," said Levi.
"I should go." Erwin retreated at once without complaint, not so much as a trace of resentment or regret in his voice. There wasn't anything whatsoever in his voice.
Mike realized that he should leave, too, that he'd seen something he shouldn't have. He was prepared to do exactly that, when he realized that Levi had decided to retreat directly toward him. That was inconvenient. He tried to get out of the way, but he was large, and it was dark, and he made--not a lot of noise--but too much for Levi to fail to detect it.
Levi paused, staring into the shadows. "Don't fuck with me," he said.
Mike realized that this meant he should probably reveal himself or risk an attack, and he advanced, sheepishly. Once he was close enough for his shape to be discerned, he was sure he was recognized. There weren't many people as tall as he was.
"Why am I having so much trouble with giants today?" Levi asked. "We're inside the walls."
"I'm not sure," Mike supplied helpfully.
"Of course you're not." He started to walk. "Come on, then. We'll have some tea."
Mike followed him cautiously, not sure that he wasn't in trouble, and wondering why he cared about being in trouble with Levi. Neither of them spoke for some time. They entered the building, and Mike could smell the final, all-but-obliterated traces of the filthy wreck it had been when they entered. They had made it better, clean. Mike breathed it in. They'd brought in a freshness, clean air to push out the stale. He sat in the empty common hall, waiting as Levi went into the next room. The air no longer bothered his nose, and he could smell it clearly when Levi at last added the tea leaves to boiling water.
"You heard that," Levi said, as he brought in the tea tray and set it down on the table in front of Mike. Levi's hands were careful, their movements adept to the point of grace.
"Some of it."
Levi took a seat. He watched the steam rise from the spout of the teapot. Mike watched it with him. It was easy to be quiet with him. He didn't rush him. "I don't understand," said Levi finally.
"What?"
"That's all. I don't understand, that's all I have to say."
"Ah."
"Ah?" Levi's eyebrow twitched.
"That's it," said Mike, who didn't think he was doing a very good job with this conversation. It wasn't the easiest conversation to have. They could talk about battles and plans. This wasn't their specialty.
Levi gave him a long, hard look, as if to read as much into the limited words he'd been given as he could. He shook his head, and they waited again. The tea steeped, and Levi must have sensed when it was ready, because he abruptly leaned forward to take up the teapot and pour a cup for each of them. No one disturbed them. Their squads weren't about to approach their leaders without permission, and as for Erwin, Mike wasn't sure where he'd gone.
"What a freak," said Levi, as Mike lifted his cup of tea, holding it by the handle instead of the rim.
Mike blinked.
"Not you, him. Well, you are a freak, but I'm talking about him."
"Him. Right." Mike didn't necessarily understand Erwin's actions, either. He used to understand him better, but as time had passed, with each mission, with each move, with each decision, Erwin had grown farther away. Only a little. It had happened bit by bit, so slowly he hadn't noticed at first, but now, looking back over the years, he could see that they had once been closer than they were. There was something between them now. It was more than distance. It was a wall. He didn't like to think about it. Usually, he tried to put it out of his mind.
Levi wasn't the only one who was confused. Erwin had clearly stated, a number of times, his belief that fraternizing with subordinates was detrimental to morale and to the officers involved. He made an exception for Mike, but they had been involved in that way since they were trainees. Mike's scores had been better than Erwin's during their years of training. He'd always been higher ranked, if only slightly, although Mike had known even then that he would follow him.
Erwin--or Erwin's usual opinion--was right. It wasn't a good idea to encourage such distractions. Even he was distracted by Erwin sometimes, and he was used to what happened between them. He'd had years to get used to it. Why would Erwin risk any kind of rift between him and Levi? Why would he risk unsettling him, unbalancing the current situation? Levi was important. He was crucial. It was impossible for Mike to believe that Erwin would take such a risk for a trivial reason.
Levi's lips twisted, as if he had taken a bite of a dish he didn't like the taste of. "You're fucking," he said suddenly.
Mike wasn't used to anyone mentioning it, especially not so bluntly. Very few people knew about their physical relationship. He could have denied it, but Levi's words were so certain, his gaze steady and undeniably unimpressed. Mike didn't think he could get away with deceiving him at this point. He had no excuses, no disguises.
"How do you know?"
"I could smell it on you."
Mike had never found himself in this situation before. He was often an unwitting voyeur of people's sexual escapades. He couldn't help it. He smelled it. The scent of sex--of their partner--clung to them, and he knew, without asking or wanting to know. It wasn't the most comfortable knowledge, but he was careful to keep what he'd learned to himself, considering it none of his business. There was a story constantly unfolding around him, written in the air, but now he was part of a story, for someone else to read. He'd rarely had reason to wonder about how he might smell to someone else, whether his scent might tell them things about him. No one else had ever understood.
He nodded. He wasn't sure what he meant by this nod. Maybe he was acknowledging Erwin's desire. Maybe he was acknowledging Levi's sense of smell. He wondered, was it as strong as his own? He'd been the strongest fighter, until Erwin had found Levi.
"I'm not going to get mixed up in some asinine lovers' quarrel."
"It's not like that." Mike wasn't sure what it was like, but he was relatively sure he could make that claim with confidence.
"Good, cause I don't need that shit." He sighed into his tea, his breath scattering the steam, his fingers pressing tightly against the rim of his cup as he held it. Mike studied the angle of his wrist, finding it inexplicably fascinating. Levi's wrists were narrow yet incredibly strong, like wires. It could have been that Mike was trying to avoid the subject, to focus on something else. "Things weren't like that where I'm from," said Levi, drawing Mike's gaze from his wrist to his eyes.
"You mean..." He knew very little about Levi's life in the slums, but he did know that in the eyes of many people, what he and Erwin did would be seen as abnormal. To Mike, it was perfectly natural. Other people couldn't understand how perfectly easy and right it was to lean in, to rest his head on Erwin's shoulder. How normal it was for him to put a hand on his waist, to follow him. To want him.
Levi expelled breath through his nose, a sharp little sound. "Yeah."
Levi was surprisingly easy to talk to. He had a way of comprehending what Mike meant, without Mike needing to explain himself in depth, which was good, because explaining himself wasn't one of his strengths. "We don't think it's usual here, either."
"It's bizarre, is what it is."
It was a difficult matter to discuss, for the simple reason that no one discussed it. He and Erwin allowed it to exist as it was, without defining it. That was for the best, wasn't it? "It's all right."
"You would say that."
Mike nodded.
Levi pursed his lips, glancing away. He was irritated, it was obvious. "I don't know what he wants."
Mike didn't either--well, aside from the obvious. There were some things about Erwin that no one understood as well as he did. Erwin could be demanding in various ways. Mike could still envision it, the image of Erwin reaching out to take Levi's arm. Wanting to take hold of him, pull him closer. Mike sipped at his tea, thinking about this, trying to decide how he felt about it. He was undeniably experiencing an emotion, but what was it? Anger? Annoyance? Jealousy? He wasn't often a jealous person. He was used to sharing Erwin: with his work, with his dream, with each one of his responsibilities, with every person he counted among his charges. Mike was used to other things being placed before him, because that was the way it had to be. They'd all made sacrifices. Erwin had made the most. It could have been Mike's own biases that had convinced him of that, but that made no difference. It was true to him, so it would be true, for as long as he lived. Erwin was his leader, but Erwin relied on him.
Erwin had come to rely on Levi, too.
That didn't mean that Mike's responsibility had dwindled. He reminded himself of that. He remembered Erwin turning away in silence. He'd moved further into the dark, away from the outpost, as Levi had moved toward it. Ah. He'd made a mistake. He shouldn't be here. It could be that he was jealous. It had impaired his reasoning. Jealousy was one of those distractions Erwin was so adamant about avoiding, for just that reason. Anything that compromised your focus could affect your decisions, making it more likely that you would make a mistake. Mike hadn't done what he was supposed to do. Mike rose to his feet, taking another deep sip of his tea before setting down his cup. Black tea was a rare luxury, and he didn't want to waste it. "I should go."
Levi didn't stop him. He didn't ask where he was going. He watched him go, raising his cup to his lips again.
Mike hadn't been entirely forthcoming with Levi. After some thought, while they were speaking, he'd come to the conclusion that Levi's sense of smell, although impressive, wasn't as strong as his. Levi's reactions and observations told him this. Initially, Levi honestly hadn't realized that Mike had been eavesdropping on him and Erwin, not until his hearing had alerted him. He showed no signs of being able to smell Mike until Mike was upon him. He also didn't appear to realize that Mike could be able to smell his reaction to Erwin. Mike had. He had scented the desire rising from him, but that wasn't his concern, now.
His concern was Erwin.
Once he was outside, he headed in the direction he'd seen Erwin take. He could smell well, but he had to pick up a scent before he could follow it. He sniffed the air eagerly, deeply, as he walked farther into the darkness and the cold. He shivered. It was possible that Erwin wasn't out here at all, that he'd sensibly turned back, returning to shelter and warmth as he should have, but Mike didn't think so. Erwin could be--a little odd at times.
And there it was. His sniffing was rewarded with the scent of someone's sweat. A human body had passed through here, was nearby.
"Erwin."
Silence answered him, so he called again, pushing through bushes that he could only barely see, branches pulling at his clothes and making him feel foolish. "Erwin."
The reply was distant and belated. "I'm here."
He was there. Now that Mike had his scent and the sound of his voice, he could find him. He could stand beside him.
"Mike," said Erwin.
Mike sniffed at him, in a companionable way, his nose and mustache brushing Erwin's neck. The gesture told him nothing about what Erwin was feeling, what he was planning. He didn't expect it to do any such thing. "Funny time for a walk."
"I couldn't sleep."
For once, Mike knew a few facts Erwin was unaware of. He knew that he'd overheard that conversation. He knew what Levi had said about it afterward. He knew something of what Levi thought. He didn't inform Erwin of any of this knowledge. He took Erwin's wrist in his hand. It was reassuringly firm and strong, but Mike's hand enclosed it easily. "It's cold out."
"Maybe I like the cold."
"And maybe not so much."
Erwin laughed, softly, and Mike leaned in to kiss his cheek. He liked to be alone with him, in the dark, regardless of the temperature. He could touch him. He wanted to touch him, at times so much that he had to make himself stop. They couldn't be distracted. That was what Erwin said.
"You think you know what I like, Mike?"
"Sometimes." He could guess. He realized that Erwin liked Levi. "Sometimes not." He released Erwin's wrist in order to run his fingertips over the back of his hand. "Sometimes I know, but I don't know why."
"I don't always know, myself. It might be better if I didn't want anything."
"Everyone wants something."
"If I could excise all desires and exist only as a weapon, as a useful object, dedicated to one task. I would do that."
Mike had heard Erwin make such comments before. In Erwin's opinion, it was better to get rid of emotion, to cast off whatever didn't serve his cause, anything that directed attention away from his ultimate goal. Erwin couldn't do that. He shouldn't. What was the point of fighting for humanity if you weren't human yourself? "You're still a person. So you want things."
Erwin turned his hand to thread his fingers with Mike's. When no one was there to observe them, these casual, affectionate gestures could exist. Mike leaned in closer, sliding his other arm around Erwin's waist. "I can give you something you want." He was warm in spite of the weather as he spoke, his skin heating. He still felt a twinge of embarrassment when he was forward with Erwin like this, like a boy who didn't know what he was doing when it came to sex, sure that his words sounded silly.
Erwin didn't seem to think so. He leaned into the the touch, let Mike pull him close. "You can. You do. Maybe that's..."
Mike turned Erwin in his arms and kissed him. He didn't want to hear about what was wrong with the fact that he provided Erwin with a want, that he encouraged desires he shouldn't have. He didn't want to think about that. He didn't want to think about Levi, or why Erwin was standing alone in the dark. He wanted to be selfish and human. "Let's get back," he said.
Erwin was known to ignore Mike's suggestions, but it wasn't unheard of for him to follow them. This time, he went along, allowing himself to be led.