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The sky was pearl gray, not yet warmed by dawn. Curtains hung down, closed, like pale ghosts haunting the windows. The world was in its in-between, early morning state, not quite night or morning. Mike felt like the only person in the world as he made his way down the quiet street at a rapid pace. Even the Survey Corps wasn't fully awake yet, but the Commander had called for him, waking him early so he could carry a message to the court. He'd rolled out of bed without so much as a murmur of complaint, dressed in his uniform in a matter of minutes, every fold and strap in compliance with regulations.
He liked to be thought of as dependable, the man to be called on when an important missive had to be sent. A great fighter who didn't need any additional help, and a responsible soldier who'd be certain to keep to his task. Sure, he heard the whispers about him. "Commander's Dog", or, more recently, "Erwin's Dog", but that didn't bother him. He liked dogs. They were loyal, reliable, friendly. He couldn't understand why people used them as an insult.
The city felt empty, but it wasn't. There were other people awake, or waking up. He passed a man hauling trash, and a merchant drawing his cart toward the market square, urging on his tired mule. He caught a noseful of stench and jumped to one side just in time to avoid the filthy splash of someone emptying a chamberpot from an upper window. The world was coming alive. Soon the quiet streets would be bustling. Mike chose the routes he was more used to taking rather than the most direct path to the palace. It wasn't that he was dawdling, and it wouldn't cause much of a delay. The familiar roads were safer, their sights and scents well known. He'd be quicker to notice anything amiss if he went this way.
That was why his steps took him past the tavern where he and his friends had spent last night. He was expecting to find it shut, its windows as veiled as most others, but to his surprise, the doors were open, and a dark-haired woman wearing a pale dress was sweeping the stoop, with her back to him. Mike wasn't supposed to stop, but he came to a halt several paces away and sneezed as the dust lifted by her broom rose up into his nose.
She turned, then laughed, with a shake of her head. "Look who it is. One of my best customers. It's a little early for a drink, isn't it?"
He shook his head, smiling faintly at her joke. "Morning, Marie. I'm surprised to find you up already."
"I could say the same to you, considering how hard it is to kick you troublemakers out. The Survey Corps must never sleep."
"We sleep. We just work a lot."
"And that's why I'm awake, too. It doesn't matter how late the customers keep me up, work goes on."
Mike nodded. He could understand work. He should have wished her a good day and gone on his way right then, but he didn't. "About last night--" Mike hesitated. He hadn't planned on this, but now that he was here, he couldn't not say anything. "I'm sorry. We got a bit too drunk."
"You were fine."
"Erwin and Nile are sorry, too."
"Are they?" She made an exaggerated show of looking around, as if to find them.
"Probably," said Mike, who couldn't in all honesty speak for them. "When they get up, they'll be sorry."
She laughed again. She had a nice laugh. She threw her head back, and a lock of her hair fell down from the kerchief she'd wrapped it in, curling alongside her cheek. Mike was tempted to lean in and smell her, but Erwin had impressed upon him the importance of not smelling civilian women. "I'm sure they will be," she said.
Mike couldn't help but chuckle. They had had more to drink than he had, and it took less to knock them out, so they likely would be feeling it. "I'm sorry anyway. We shouldn't have given you trouble."
"Don't you accept the blame for those two, Mike, you're too sweet."
He shook his head, though he didn't know what he was disagreeing with, and she shook her head along with him. He knew she really didn't mind Erwin and Nile and their antics. They were a lot of fun, not to mention a lot better at talking than he was. She was always teasing them, even when they weren't there. "I've got to go," he said, reminding himself of his purpose and his reliability. "Corps business."
"Come by on your way back, if you want. I'll have something for you."
Mike wasn't sure what to make of this offer, or if he'd have time to stop by, so he didn't reply. He nodded and hurried on his way.
As it turned out, his business was rapidly concluded. He'd expected to have to wait for a reply to be decided on and penned, but whatever they put in the return letter took only a few moments to write, and he was sent on his way without a word of explanation. It never occurred to him to check either letter for information about their contents. That wouldn't have been right.
He was so caught up in returning to city headquarters that he didn't think to stop to see Marie, but to his surprise, the Commander, as a reward for his speed and service, gave him a few hours' leave and told him to report back after lunch. It was a rare respite. He couldn't remember the last time he'd had a morning free, and he decided to go to the bar again, as Marie had invited him, so it was only polite to go, since he had the time. As he was leaving the grounds, he caught sight of Erwin in the yard, in the midst of drilling with the other soldiers. If Erwin was suffering, he didn't show it. Erwin was too busy for Mike to wave and distract him, but he thought his friend's gaze flickered briefly in his direction.
"So, you came back after all." Marie was inside, wiping down the bar. She'd taken off her kerchief for some reason, and her hair hung loose around her shoulders.
"I made you some breakfast, but it's a little cold now." She retreated into the kitchen, then returned a moment later with a rough clay plate. She set it down on one of the tables, and he obediently took a seat. The plate was full of eggs and toast, with a few slim strips of cured meat. It had long cooled, but he didn't mind. It looked good. He picked up the fork she'd brought along and speared a lump of egg, bringing it gratefully up to his mouth. This kind of food was hard to come by, but he knew that taverns like this one got special rations for feeding military officers and the nobility. She probably wasn't supposed to give him this food, especially not for free. It was really nice of her, though he didn't know what he'd done to deserve this generosity.
"Thanks, Marie."
Apparently deciding that this was a good time for a break in her cleaning, Marie sat down across from him, smiling at him as he ate. "Do you mind if I ask you a question, Mike?"
His eyebrows rose, but he shook his head, quickly.
"Say there was more than one person you liked, and you had to choose between them. What would you do?"
Mike's hand stilled, with his fork on the way to stab another piece of egg. He pursed his lips, thinking, and hoping that the slight flush he felt didn't show on his face. People didn't generally ask him questions about dating or relationships or feelings. He wasn't the go-to guy for matters like that. He would expect Marie would ask another woman, one of her friends or a relative. Not him. They didn't know each other that well, although they were on friendly terms. "Hm." He was confused by the question, but nonetheless, he had been asked, and he was going to answer. "I'd ask myself which one I liked best. And I'd pick them."
"What if you like them both just as much?"
"Oh." He should have known the answer couldn't be that simple. "Do they both like me?" What a weird conversation this was turning out to be.
"Let's say you're not sure. They might. And they're about the same age, have the same job, and both get along with you about as well."
"Yeah, that complicates it..." Put like that, it seemed like a question without a good answer. Mike was at a loss. What did people do, in a situation like this? He'd never had to deal with this kind of choice.
"Let me give you an example," said Marie. This sounded like a serious matter, but her tone was as light as ever. "Say a woman liked both Erwin and Nile. Which one would you say she should pick, and why?"
Suddenly, the fact that Marie had asked him made more sense. He was their friend. If she liked them, then he'd be the perfect person to ask, and maybe get some insider information from. He hated to disappoint her, but he wasn't sure what he could say. Erwin was arguably the world's least forthcoming person, and Nile viewed talking about his more tender emotions as a weakness, unless he was drunk. Not to mention that, even if Mike did know how they felt, it would be disloyal of him to tell.
"I couldn't pick between them," said Mike. "They're my best friends." He felt guilty as soon as he'd said it, because he'd lied. He'd known immediately who he'd pick. The image of Erwin instantly came to mind. He always preferred to be with him. He ran the tines of his fork through his eggs, trying not to think of the curve of Erwin's neck when he turned his head, the shape of his firm shoulders, the bright and unforgiving blue of his eyes.
"It's not you picking a favorite friend. It's you picking for a girl."
A sudden heat washed over him, and he stared fixedly at his toast. He wanted to say Nile, to make Nile sound like the better choice, so she'd pick him. Not Erwin. But that would be another lie. "I guess... Erwin."
"Erwin? Why?"
He had to answer this carefully. "Because he's smart and interesting, and he's polite. Not that Nile isn't, but you know..." Nile could be abrasive, but he didn't mean any harm. "He's not as loud." He smells good. I like the shape of his hands. It's fun to mess up his hair.
"All right. Those are good reasons. You don't have to strain yourself."
Mike started. He hadn't realized his discomfort had shown on his face. Marie could be perceptive. She was like Erwin, that way. They things in common. They got along well. They'd probably be a good couple.
"I know it's a hard question for a friend to answer. Thank you. You did well!"
He shook his head again, aware that he must have been blushing brightly this time. He felt awkward when he tried to talk to women who weren't his fellow soldiers.
Marie stood up and reached out to ruffle his hair. "I've pained you enough. Eat your breakfast. You're a big boy. You need it."
Mike obeyed, and Marie headed back to the bar, where her rags and cleaner were waiting. "You really are sweet, you know."
***
Mike wasn't that hungry, having been overfed by Marie, but he wasn't about to waste food, so he passed what he didn't want down to a skinny boy at the next table who was known to have the ability to stow away more food in one sitting than most people could eat in a week, on the rare occasions when he was given an opportunity to do so. He was the talk of feast-days.
"Me?" asked Mike innocently, passing the Great Appetite another roll.
"I saw you leave after talking to the commander."
So he had noticed. "He gave me a message to send to court early in the morning. After I came back with the reply, he gave me some time off."
"I see. I wonder what that was about..." Erwin's gaze unfocused. He was clearly thinking about the letters Mike had had little curiosity about, trying to guess what they'd contained. Even though Erwin was more far-thinking and ambitious than Mike, and ultimately of more value to the Corps, Mike could see why the commander had chosen to send him with the message and not Erwin.
"I went to see Marie today," said Mike. Part of him didn't want to bring up the subject, but he couldn't resist admitting it.
"Oh? Do you have a sweetheart now, Mike?"
"No." Mike rolled his eyes at Erwin's bad joke. "I happened to pass by the tavern on my way. She asked about you."
"Did she ask if I was as much of an asshole in the morning?"
"Not really." She probably would have if she'd thought to, though. Having given away all his food, Mike had none to distract himself with or pretend to be interested in. Maybe that had been a miscalculation. "She asked me a funny question, actually."
"What's that?"
"Whether a girl should pick you or Nile."
Erwin fell silent, and Mike tried to study him without seeming to. It was probably a bad idea to bring this up to Erwin in order to get some idea of what he thought about it. Not only was he betraying Marie's confidence, but he was unlikely to learn anything from it. Erwin was the one who was good at this kind of information gathering. He just couldn't help himself. He wanted to see the look on Erwin's face. He was disappointed. Predictably, Erwin's face gave nothing away, remaining pleasantly neutral, as if he'd commented on the weather or how bad the food was in the mess. "And what did you say?"
"I said I couldn't pick between my best friends," said Mike, deciding that this was only a lie by omission, as he had said that before giving his second reply.
"A very diplomatic answer."
"I try."
"I approve. That was very even-handed of you." Erwin, who hadn't been overfed, returned to his lunch. Was he planning to let the subject drop so easily? Mike wasn't.
"What do you think about Marie?"
"What's that?" Mike wasn't fooled for a moment by Erwin's innocent look as he turned away from his plate.
"If Marie does like you, what are you going to do?"
Erwin broke open a roll before eating one half thoughtfully. "I didn't think too much about it. She was probably just teasing you, Mike."
"I don't think so..." She teased them a lot, and she'd been careful not to sound too serious, but there had been real meaning in her questions, he was sure of it. "I think she likes you."
"I see. Then, I don't know," said Erwin. "Marie's rather pretty, isn't she?"
"Yeah."
"It would be foolish of me not to be interested."
Sometimes he wished Erwin was better about giving him straightforward answers. "Erwin."
Erwin's eyes widened slightly at Mike's tone, and the faint smile that had been playing across his lips faded. "To be honest, I do like her."
Mike nodded, matter-of-fact, though his chest suddenly felt tight, and he was glad he hadn't just eaten anything, or it might have made him feel sick. He wasn't surprised. She was nice, she was pretty, she was funny. It was the usual thing, wasn't it, for a man to end up with a woman? Not in the Survey Corps, maybe, considering the fact that most of them didn't end up with anyone, but in general.
Erwin continued, "Marie is--"
"What about Marie?" Nile asked, sharply, as he slid into the seat next to Erwin, across from Mike. "Why are we talking about Marie?"
"Mike went by to see her today, that's all," Erwin explained mildly, unbothered by Nile's needlessly hostile attitude.
"What for?" Nile leaned in to glare at Mike.
Mike didn't find any reason to be bothered by Nile's attitude, either. That was Nile's usual manner. He was only annoyed by the fact that Nile had interrupted what Erwin was about to say about Marie, which was what he'd been most interested in. "I was saying sorry for last night."
"We weren't that bad, were we?" Nile asked.
Mike thought he detected a trace of worry in the edge that sharpened Nile's voice. For all that Nile avoided talking about his feelings, maybe it wasn't so difficult to tell how he felt. "She wasn't really bothered. I stopped in to say hello, because I happened to pass by."
"That's all right, then."
"I'm glad to know you've given us your permission to frequent a public place," said Erwin.
"Not you, Erwin," said Nile. "Just Mike. You're the one I don't trust."
"Ah, of course." Erwin nodded, as if this was the most natural thing in the world. "My mistake. What reason have I ever given you to trust me?"
Mike rose to his feet, and Nile and Erwin ceased their usual banter to look up at him. Mike felt called upon to explain his action, but he couldn't think of any explanation. Since Erwin had said I do like her, he'd been feeling the irresistible urge to leave, but he couldn't offer that as a reason. "I have to go," he said instead. Yes, that would have to suffice. He didn't have anything else.
As he left, he heard Nile's voice rise above the general murmur of conversation. "What'd you do this time, Erwin?"
***
"I'm here." He heard Nile knocking on and yelling at his door, but he was reading in the common study. He peered out into the hall.
"There you are. I was looking for you."
"I got that."
"Hm, yeah, it was obvious, wasn't it?" Nile reached up and scratched his head behind his ear, looking awkward as he strode down the hall toward Mike. "Could I talk to you?"
"That's fine."
Nile entered the study, glancing around nervously, although the study was clearly empty. He looked out the windows, as if to see whether there was someone outside who might hear them, but the people passing by were unlikely to be able to make out conversational level voices in here. "So--" said Nile at last, after his investigation was complete, "--what did Marie say about me, really?"
Was that all? He was worried Nile might ask him about his own behavior, but it looked like Nile wasn't too concerned about him. "Nothing, really." He wasn't as open with Nile as he was with Erwin, because he knew Nile would be upset if he thought Marie was deciding between him and Erwin. Nile didn't dislike Erwin, as Mike knew--they had their own strange way of relating--and he didn't want to drive a wedge between them by bringing it up. Maybe nothing would come of it. "Like I said, she asked about you. She said we were troublemakers and that you'd probably have a headache when you woke up."
As sparse as this information was, Nile appeared to be reassured by it. "That sounds like Marie." He exhaled, and Mike realized he was sighing in relief. Had he been that worried? Mike craned his neck forward to sniff at him, but Nile quickly backed off.
"No, no sniffing. Not fair." Nile pointed at his head, then swept his hand down until he was pointing at his feet. "This is a no-smell zone."
Mike didn't insist, allowing Nile his privacy.
"I've got a great idea," Nile said, his mood having improved considerably. "How about you and me go out again tonight!" This was a transparent excuse to see Marie again, but Mike couldn't be mad about that. He smiled.
"And Erwin?"
"Sure, Erwin too--He usually tags along, when he's not too busy being a freak."
Mike laughed. At times, he could appreciate Nile's Erwin jokes.
***
Nile had good ideas sometimes, but this wasn't one of them. Mike was uncomfortable and restless. He didn't feel at ease and amused, as he usually did when they went out together. He kept glancing at Erwin, but his attention wasn't rewarded. Erwin was quiet and distant, as if preoccupied. Nile kept fidgeting and talking too loudly. He kept glancing at Erwin, too. Mike wasn't sure what Erwin was thinking about. He suspected that Erwin still had his mind on those letters rather than any interpersonal relationships. Erwin hadn't displayed much interest in his information about Marie.
Yet when Marie came by their table, Erwin's demeanor warmed, and he smiled at her. He was always this way with Marie, as well as with other people. He could be charming when he wanted to be, but his charm took on a new significance today. It could be that he did like her. He might not tell Mike, if he did. There were things that he kept to himself. Erwin smiled, Nile scowled, and Mike did his best to keep his face a blank.
"Are you hungry again yet?" Marie asked him, with a wink.
"No," Mike replied, deadpan. "I'll probably never need to eat again."
She laughed, and he felt a bit cheered, in spite of the tension between him and his friends. Marie was always kind to him. If Erwin was going to be involved with a woman, Mike would prefer it be someone like her.
"I'm hungry, Marie," Nile interjected, leaning toward her, his hands clenching on the table. Though Mike hadn't told him what she'd said about Erwin, he wondered if Nile suspected, since his level of agitation was rising.
"I'll have to get you something to eat then, won't I? How about you, Erwin?"
"I'm fine, thank you. I have everything I need." He smiled.
This comment was delivered mildly, but could have been construed as flirting. What if he was referring to Marie? Although he could just as easily have meant the beer he was holding. Nile frowned, and Mike glanced away. "I'll be right back," said Marie. If she was aware that the three friends weren't as friendly with each other as usual, she'd decided to tactfully ignore it.
It only got worse. Nile got his food but ate it angrily and pointedly, not offering to share. They kept drinking. Mike was aware of a blurry haze creeping over him. It was pleasant and soothing at first, but rapidly soured. He was unhappy. He was anxious. There was a faint pounding in his temples, a distant headache. His head felt very far away from the rest of his body. A certainty came over him: Erwin was definitely interested in Marie, and if he acted on his interest now, it would be Mike's fault for saying something. He tried to drink another beer to make the feeling subside, but that made it worse.
"I'll be back shortly." When Erwin got to his feet, both Nile and Mike turned to him at once. Their gazes met as they did so, and an understanding passed between them. They were both annoyed with Erwin. Erwin didn't explain where he was going as he headed off, but he walked in the direction of the bathroom, so Mike assumed that was where he was going.
"Can you believe him?" Nile asked, once Erwin was far enough away that he wouldn't hear. "Ignoring us to flirt with Marie, right in front of us!"
"Yeah," said Mike, although he was aware that wasn't what had happened.
Erwin was gone a long time, and in that time, Mike and Nile had more beers, which was another bad idea.
"Fuck it," said Nile at last. "He didn't fall in while taking a shit. I'm going looking for him."
"Nile, wait--"
"I'm not waiting. Come on." Nile grabbed pulled at his collar, and Mike found himself pulled to his feet, an impressive feat on the part of the shorter man. "Where is he?"
Nile stared up into his eyes. He was deadly serious. Mike didn't deny him.
Mike had trouble smelling out Erwin, but he didn't explain that to Nile. It wouldn't have made any sense to him. In the confusion of scents, with so many people pressed in together, picking out Erwin's non-scent would have been nearly impossible. So he looked for him in the usual way people looked for each other: with his eyes. It was a large tavern. It had been expanded over the years to allow for its growing population. Erwin didn't seem to be in any part of it. Tall and blond as he was, he was easy to pick out of most crowds.
They didn't find Erwin until Mike thought to look outside. They exited through the narrow side door and entered into the alley that ran between this building and the next. There was a strong smell of wet dirt and piss, which was not unusual for the city. "Do you smell him?" hissed Nile.
He didn't, but he didn't need to. He knew Erwin with all his senses, and his eyes picked out human forms in the alley. Erwin was standing further down, almost around the corner, behind the bar, talking to someone. A woman. Their voices were soft and low. It wasn't difficult to guess who the woman was. Who else would Erwin be talking to?
Mike didn't need to tell Nile. He noticed the couple shortly after Mike did. He said nothing at first, but his silence was a particularly loud one, difficult to ignore. "Let's go."
"Nile--"
"Let's go."
Mike allowed Nile to pull him back into the bar, but when Nile tried to pull him out of the bar entirely, he rebelled. "I'll stay."
"What, you're waiting for him? After he left us?"
Mike nodded.
"He probably won't come back now."
Mike shook his head. Maybe Nile was right, but he told himself Erwin had said he would come back. So--he would. Wouldn't he?
"Fine! Stay and wait for the bastard! You deserve him!" Nile stormed out, his voice and stomping footsteps loud enough to cause heads to turn, although one had to do a lot more than that to hold people's attention in a bar like this. Flares of temper and shouts were commonplace.
Mike waited. He didn't sit down again. Someone brought him another pint of beer. He drank it. He stood near the table where they'd been sitting. It was true; they were right when they called him Erwin's Dog. Like a dog, he was waiting faithfully, without complaint. Sometimes he didn't mind that. Right now, he hated it. His heart was beating in his chest, hard.
Erwin kept his promise. In a few more minutes, he appeared. He regarded the empty table with Mike standing beside it, taking in the visible lack of Nile. "It seems there's been a new development in my absence."
"Nile went home. I think." He wasn't entirely sure where Nile had gone, but he wasn't worried about that.
"I need to talk to you," Mike said.
"Do you?" The faint smile on Erwin's lips was maddening. He must have known something was wrong, yet he didn't acknowledge it. "You can always talk to me, Mike. You don't need to ask."
"Over here." He felt like everyone was staring at them, as they stood in the middle of the floor, though in the back of his mind, he knew that wasn't true. Everyone had their own interests, their own problems. It was more likely that nobody cared. Nonetheless, Mike led him away, into one of the smaller rooms, set off of the main one. There were less people here. The musicians were farther away, their music fainter, the voice of the crowd lower.
"What is it, Mike?"
He'd meant to speak, but now that they were standing face to face, he found he couldn't manage a word. Mike leaned in close to Erwin, breathing him in. For once, he had a scent, as he did when he picked up on elements in his environment. He smelled like alcohol, smoke, sweat and traces of his soap. None of it told him anything about what Erwin thought or felt, but it smelled good. Erwin stood very still, expectant. Mike didn't make displays of his affection for him where there was a chance of them being seen. Never in public. He didn't know how Erwin felt about it, but he was drunk and upset, and he reached forward to grab Erwin's wrist.
Erwin looked down at Mike's hand. "What are you doing?"
Erwin was probably drunk, too, but at times, when he'd had a few drinks, he asserted even more control than usual to compensate, his words and actions overly careful and formal.
To be honest, I do like her.
He wanted to ask what Erwin had been doing, to ask whether he was in love with Marie. He didn't. Breathing hard, he pulled Erwin closer, until his face was pressed against Erwin's cheek. They were relatively out of sight in a more obscure corner of the bar, but anyone might look over and notice them. Erwin was his commanding officer now. It would look bad. It was a terrible idea, but Mike didn't let go, his grip on Erwin's wrist tightening. He'd never made any kind of claim on him. He'd never insisted on anything or objected to any of Erwin's behavior. Even now, he couldn't, but he wanted to. Hesitant, he pressed his lips to Erwin's cheek. He wanted to kiss his mouth, to push him up against the wall and kiss him here where everyone could see, but he didn't.
This was stupid. They were in the Survey Corps. They had more important things to concern themselves with. They didn't have time for this, for these childish wants and jealousies, but the thought that Erwin would end what was between them was painful. They'd never given it a name, but you could miss something that had no name. Was it something that Erwin did because he wanted release or because it was useful to him? Would he decide to love someone else?
"I see," said Erwin patiently, although Mike hadn't said a word. "Could you let go of me now, Mike?"
Having been asked, Mike couldn't keep his grip, so he released him.
"Thank you." Once he was free, he turned his head to look into Mike's eyes. His own eyes were so clear, bizarrely clear, his gaze bright. Mike expected him to say something, but he didn't. His face was a mask. He turned and walked away, and Mike watched him go.
He didn't know what to do. Should he go after him? What did Erwin want? He was used to following his orders, but this time, Erwin hadn't given him any, save to ask him to let go. In frustration, Mike cursed and hit the wall, not hard enough to leave a dent, but hard enough to hurt his hand. By the time he decided to follow Erwin and headed after him, it was too late. He wasn't anywhere in sight. Not even the more distant pedestrians he glimpsed had the right height or build to be Erwin.
He heard someone throwing up in the nearby alley, and though that definitely wasn't Erwin either, his compassion and reluctance to go back into the bar combined to lead his steps into the dark toward the afflicted. It was better than returning to the place where he'd made a fool of himself. In the shadows, he found Nile, bent over and retching. He hadn't gone anywhere after all.
"You okay?" Mike asked.
"Yeah," said Nile, leaning back against the wall, hardly able to stand up. "Erwin Smith's a bastard."
Mike nodded.
"I don't know how you put up with him."
"We're friends," Mike said.
Nile started to laugh. "Don't give me that. I'm not stupid. You and me are friends, and me and Erwin."
Mike didn't say anything.
"You two are so dumb. You think nobody notices, but you're loud as fuck, for one thing, and you're huge. Big fucking giants. Literally."
Mike continued in his course of not saying anything, although he found himself with the unusual desire to shout at Nile, to tell him that he didn't know anything, especially not about him and Erwin. He managed to restrain himself. Instead, he growled, "Shut up."
"What?"
"I said, shut up."
"Don't tell me to shut up!" He straightened, and, from somewhere, found the strength to stagger toward Mike. He stood toe to toe with him, glaring up at him accusingly. "You and Erwin think you're better than me."
This wasn't true, but Mike only stared down at him. He didn't care about making Nile feel better right now. He cared about his friend, but Nile wasn't the only one who was upset.
"I'm the one who's in love with Marie. Me. Not Erwin." Nile poked himself in the chest, so there wouldn't be any confusion about who he was talking about. "Erwin is just a--a deviant."
Mike didn't think. He acted. His arms came up, and he shoved Nile, striking him in the chest with both hands so that he stumbled back. Nile managed to keep his balance, though he was swaying from side to side--their training did have its benefits. "You--you pushed me."
"That's right."
Nile ran at him, drawing his arm back, but Mike was less drunk and a better fighter. He grabbed Nile's arm and swung his foot out, striking at Nile's legs and knocking them out from under him. Nile fell, landing hard on his back. He groaned. "Fuck you, Zacharius."
Mike should have stopped to help him up. He should have said he was sorry. He didn't. He started to walk. He didn't know where he was going, or what he was going to do when he got there, but he couldn't stay where he was. It wasn't a destination he was seeking so much as the movement itself. He had to clear his head. He couldn't believe what he'd done. It had been a little thing, but not insignificant. Erwin was so careful about his reputation, his public appearance. The Corps and its continued existence were more important to him than anything else. What if someone had seen Mike kiss him? What if there were rumors? If Erwin thought he was a liability... That could be worse than Erwin becoming involved with Marie.
He wasn't sure how long he walked, or where he went. Wandering drunk through the city was a stupid idea at any time of day, let alone the middle of the night, but his size and military bearing must have worked in his favor, because no one accosted him. By the time he made his way back to headquarters, he felt no better. He still felt like a drunk piece of shit, but he was a slightly less drunk piece of shit who might actually be able to fall asleep. Things might look better in the morning. Maybe not, but maybe.
The guards recognized him and let him pass, with a joke or two about his obvious inebriation. He chuckled in reply, to be polite, although his amusement was entirely forced. He was glad his reputation for quiet was such that they didn't try to start a conversation with him. He staggered up the stairs and into his room. It was dark and he was disoriented, so he didn't realize that his bed was already occupied until he fell into it and was surprised to find himself greeted with warm skin and an arm wrapping around him.
"Good, you're back. I've been waiting for you."
"Erwin--?" Mike's eyes widened, and he drew back in surprise. This was the last thing he'd expected.
"Yes. I hope I'm the only man who's been showing up in your bed." There was laughter in Erwin's voice.
"You are. I'm drunk," said Mike. He reached out for Erwin. He was lying under the covers, but a quick exploration, as he slid his hands over him, revealed that he was naked. Naked and waiting for him. Mike was immediately hard.
"I know."
He licked at Erwin's cheek. "I want you."
"I know. I shouldn't give you what you want. You were very bad today."
Mike flushed to hear Erwin talk to him like that, teasing him, calling him bad as if he was a dog who'd misbehaved. Erwin was so confusing--hadn't he been with Marie? Didn't he want to be with her, instead? He couldn't question this too much. He was getting what he wanted. "But--you'll give it to me?"
"What do you think?"
He didn't need to think long. Erwin was offering himself. Mike pressed against him, rubbing his erection against Erwin's thigh. His hand stroked Erwin's ass. He was surprised by the moisture that met his fingers. He pressed at Erwin's asshole with a fingertip and found it already wet. He thought of Erwin lying in his bed in the dark, fingering himself, making himself ready, for Mike. It was one of the most erotic images he'd ever conceived of. His cock was almost painfully hard. He was glad he didn't have to wait. With a grunt, he rolled Erwin over onto his stomach, throwing the covers aside. He pulled off his own pants, as quickly as possible.
"Mike--you're so rough--"
He couldn't bear that teasing tone, that laughter. It drove him mad. How could Erwin hurt him and then laugh? Did he realize what he did to Mike? He wasn't sure. It was a question he hadn't asked him. Whatever the answer was, he would do what Erwin wanted. If Erwin wanted him to be rough, to fuck him hard while he was drunk, he would do that. He pushed inside Erwin, burying as much his cock inside him as he could in one stroke. He wanted to be inside him. That was the only thing he wanted. Erwin was his, when they were like this.
Arching his back, Erwin moaned and begged for it. It could be that Nile was right, that they were too loud and people could hear them, but he didn't care. Let them hear. Let them know all about it. He wanted them to know that he was fucking Erwin Smith. When he came inside Erwin, he all but growled, pushing in deep as Erwin pushed back against him.
When he pulled out, Mike rolled Erwin over again, lying down at his side so they faced each other. Mike kissed him and sucked on his tongue. His hands stroked Erwin's chest, fingers playing with his nipples. The soft noises Erwin made in response were gratifying.
"Mike," said Erwin, when Mike pulled back to draw in breath, "Can you promise me something?"
"Anything."
"The next time the commander sends you with a letter, I want you to read it for me."
Mike should have foreseen this. In his current state, he would have given Erwin anything he asked for. Maybe that had been Erwin's plan, to ask him when he was weakened by sex and alcohol. Damn him. But it was hard to be angry with Erwin at a time like this, and he knew that no matter how sober and unaroused he was, he would likely have given the same answer. He ignored the possibility of demotions and reprimands and court martial and sniffed at Erwin's hair. "Okay. I will." He could have second thoughts later. He felt too warm and good to entertain them now. He didn't want to ruin this moment.
"Good."
"Erwin--" He might have wanted to preserve the pleasant mood that had swept over him in the wake of their fucking, but it wasn't long before his worries resurfaced.
"What is it?"
He wouldn't have asked, if he wasn't drunk. "Do you want to be with me?"
"What do you mean? I'm with you now, aren't I?"
Whenever Erwin acted as if he didn't understand something, Mike suspected he was being insincere. "You don't want to be with Marie?"
Erwin laughed. "Is that what's gotten you so out of sorts? Mike, we've had this discussion before. I don't intend to involve myself with any civilians. I told you, Marie was probably teasing you."
"But--I saw you talking in the alley."
"Did you?" Erwin reached up a hand to touch Mike's face, his fingers slowly and thoughtfully tracing the lines of it, pausing to play with his beard. "I suppose it won't do any harm to tell you. Marie and I have an arrangement. She overhears a great many things in her line of work. Drunken soldiers have loose tongues. And no one thinks twice about a soldier like me talking to a pretty girl."
This explanation hadn't occurred to Mike, and his drunken mind took its time processing it. Erwin could still surprise him with his ruthlessness. In this moment, he could easily have believed that Erwin was using everyone he knew to further his goals. But he knew there was more to Erwin than that. Erwin was his friend. "You mean, you're using her as a spy?"
"I wouldn't choose quite that wording, but you could say that."
Erwin's fingers found his lips, and Mike smiled against them. Everything felt right again. He and Erwin were sharing secrets. "Don't let Nile find out about that."
"I wouldn't dream of it."
"He saw it, too. He's mad at you."
"Nile Dok is mad at me, the sky is blue, beer is wet, and Mike Zacharius is tall," said Erwin philosophically. "The great truths of our world." He pressed his face against Mike, leaving a kiss on Mike's collarbone. "I'm not worried about it. Nile will recover. You two should stop jumping to conclusions, however. You're going to cause trouble that way."
"You're the one who causes trouble, Erwin."
"You wound me."
Mike pressed a hand against Erwin's chest. There was his heart, beating beneath Mike's fingers. He liked to feel the rhythm of it, rising into his fingers, into his blood.
"But Mike," Erwin went on, "I don't want you to do that again. No matter how drunk you are. You know what people are like. How they talk."
He did know. He was quite aware of what other people thought. "Do you think we're deviants, Erwin?" Mike's fingers idly traced lines above Erwin's heart as he repeated Nile's word. The lines he drew weren't letters or symbols. They didn't mean anything. He just wanted to touch Erwin there.
"That's a ridiculous idea. We're having sex, that's all. It's perfectly natural."
It was a relief to hear this. "I think so, too." He kissed the top of Erwin's head. Suddenly, he was sleepy. He knew that he and Erwin shouldn't sleep together like this. Their little indiscretions aside, they were usually careful. Someone might find them, sleeping with their arms around each other, but Mike remained in this temporary state in which he didn't care. He pulled Erwin closer and and closed his eyes.
***
Erwin was absent at breakfast, too, but that wasn't unusual. His duties were more extensive than Mike's. Not that Mike had to sit alone. Nile soon slid into the seat next to him and set down his tray with a clatter. For several minutes, neither of them spoke. Nile swallowed mouthfuls of his porridge with dour intensity. Mike waited. He wasn't about to speak first. He'd let Nile do the honors. He had such a big mouth, it shouldn't be difficult for him.
Mike didn't have to wait long. "I'm sorry," Nile blurted in a scowling rush. He kept his voice lowered, so he couldn't be overheard. "You're not a deviant, Erwin's just a bastard."
"Apology accepted."
"I'm still pissed at Erwin, though."
"That's fine." If he got out of sorts whenever Nile was upset with Erwin, he would find very little happiness in his life.
"But--" Nile didn't dwell on his anger long, his face lighting up as he continued. "You'll never guess what happened after you left. Marie came out and talked to me. She helped me inside and gave me water to drink. We spent hours together--well, she was working, but she kept coming by to check on me, and I stayed until the bar closed."
Mike listened. He was known as a good listener, but part of the reason for that was that he often found it difficult to speak. He couldn't speak to Nile in the same way Nile was speaking to him. He couldn't talk to him about the way his heart beat faster sometimes, when he looked at Erwin. He couldn't tell him that Erwin had been waiting for him in his room, that they'd fallen asleep in each other's arms. He kept quiet on that point, but people expected him to be quiet, so that was nothing new. "That's good."
"Maybe she does like me--I don't know. Ah--I don't want her to feel sorry for me. What do you think, Mike?"
"She probably likes you," Mike decided, and he was rewarded for this remark by Nile beaming at him. Somehow, his altercation with Nile had made Nile decide to view him as a confidant. He should push Nile around more often. It seemed to have a good effect on him, although the attention from Marie must have had a good deal to do with it, too.
What Marie did wasn't any of his business. He and she were friendly with each other, but not friends. Still, her kindness to Nile and the knowledge that she spied for Erwin endeared her to him further. He decided he should apologize to her for yet another evening's bad behavior. She probably didn't care. They were likely far from the worst offenders, but it was the polite thing to do. He couldn't deny that he was curious, too, interested in speaking to her again now that he knew more about her.
It wasn't until late in the afternoon that he was able to visit her. He skipped lunch in order to have the time. He was hungry after a day's training, but hunger was a price he could afford to pay.
There were some customers in the bar already, but they were quieter than the nighttime patrons, eating their food and nursing their beers without creating too much of a disturbance. They glanced toward Mike, but glanced away as his uniform explained who he was. Marie was aware of his presence almost at once, bustling out of the kitchen as if she'd been waiting for him. "This is my lucky day. My favorite customer's already back. Couldn't keep away, could you?"
"Nope. Guess not."
"Sit down, I'll get you some lunch."
"But I don't--" His protests were in vain, because she slipped back into the kitchen, leaving him no choice but to sit down.
"Here we are." Lunch today was much like breakfast the day before. Plain, simple food, but good, and plenty of it. It was particularly hard to resist those valuable, tantalizing little strips of meat. It had been a long time since breakfast, and Mike's stomach growled, audibly.
"You don't have to do this."
"I want to."
He couldn't argue with that, but he was going to get spoiled by all this food, if it kept up. He nodded and took a bite of bread, deciding to save the meat for last. Marie sat down across from him, as she had yesterday.
"Sorry again," said Mike, around a mouthful of toast. He realized he was being rude, and swallowed.
"Don't be silly. What are you apologizing for this time?"
"Last night."
"Last night was fine." Someone needed a beer refill, and they raised their glass and called for her. She went to attend to them, but she was back soon enough. "Don't worry about last night. You didn't break anything. Honestly, I don't know what you think you did wrong. You're proving yourself as my most mannerly customer, though."
Looking back, he supposed he hadn't done much, as far as she was concerned. He'd gotten drunk, and he'd spied on her with Nile. He'd stood around waiting for Erwin, and he'd kissed him. Then he'd given Nile a shove. It was possible no one had noticed any of these things. He wasn't sure why he felt the need to apologize. As he sorted through his thoughts, he noticed that Marie's usual smile had faded away. She was regarding him with uncharacteristic seriousness.
Was she still upset about the other thing they'd spoken about? Erwin had told Mike that he wasn't going to involve himself with Marie, even if he did like her. So, if she wanted to be with him, she was bound to be disappointed. "Nile likes you, a lot." He regretted saying it as soon as he'd said it. She'd asked him about her problem, but that didn't make it entirely his business. It was her business, and Nile's.
Marie didn't mind, or she didn't show that she did. Her smile came back, but there was something off-kilter about it. "He does."
"That's good then, right?"
"I think so," she agreed.
He let out a short burst of air through his nose and turned away. "I'm not any good at talking about these things."
Marie laughed, glancing down at the table. "I can tell."
It was obvious. How could he complain about her agreeing with him? "Guess I shouldn't try."
She reached out and touched his cheek briefly, and Mike started. Her hand was soft and cool. "You're better than you think. You helped me decide. I did like two men, but I realized that one of them liked someone else."
It occurred to him, for the first time, that she might have seen him with Erwin. He hadn't been entirely conscious of who was near them at the time. She'd been talking to Erwin before that. She was friendly with them, and it was where she worked, so there was no reason she couldn't have been there. She would have seen him kissing. She might think something was wrong with them. "It isn't--Erwin doesn't--"
"I'm not talking about Erwin." Marie turned her head slightly to one side. "I don't like Erwin that way."
He flushed as he realized what he meant. "Oh." He didn't know what to say, to that. She'd meant him. She'd asked him about it to see how he would react, what he'd do. What he'd done was kiss Erwin. Was he really that ridiculous? He was as bad as Nile. "Are you angry?"
"I've got better things to do than feed lunch to men I'm angry with. No, I'm not. Why would I be?"
"It's strange." Was it? There were times when he felt, as Erwin had said, that it was entirely natural. Other times, like now, with a pretty woman looking at him, fully aware of what he was doing, he felt embarrassed and uncertain.
She shook her head. "You wouldn't believe the things I've seen, working here. This hardly rates. The way you look at him isn't strange. I've seen it before."
Mike shook his head. That wasn't something he was willing to talk about. He couldn't. If it showed in his face... He didn't want it to, because if it showed, then Erwin could see.
"I'm jealous, a little."
"You shouldn't be."
"Maybe not... It can't be easy. Every time you and Nile go outside, I think to myself that you probably won't come back."
When was it that she had started to like him, and why? Why didn't she like Erwin, instead? He was handsome and charming and smart. It wasn't that Mike thought he had none of those traits, but he didn't possess them to the degree that Erwin did. Yet she was worried about him. She spent time hoping he would come home. What would it be like to leave the Survey Corps for a girl? To get married and have children. He could do it. He could transfer to the Military Police or the Garrison without difficulty. He'd had the highest scores in his year. He could go anywhere he wanted within the military. Any officer would be glad to have him. He could have a family and an ordinary life.
Except he wouldn't. The time for that had passed.
"I hope we're friends," he said.
"We're friends."
"Good." Mike ate the rest of his food quietly, and she sat with him. He enjoyed her company. It was good to have a friend, but there was only so much a friend outside the Corps could understand. He hoped that she and Nile would be happy together, if that was what she wanted. In the end, he had to go. He got to his feet and thanked her, and then he left. Erwin would have known he'd gone. Erwin would be waiting for him.