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Julian wasn’t sure how much time had passed since the meeting. Days at least, but for all he knew it could’ve been weeks, months, years. He felt like he had aged six decades since that day. They were back in the LA Insitute, home for the Blackthorns, but right now it didn’t feel like it. He wasn’t sure if this was better or worse, being home was familiar, but being back without Livvy, that was torture. Her presence was everywhere, every room seemed to be filled with a piece of her waiting for her to return and Julian could barely stand it. He wanted to hide all her things, partly so he didn’t have to look at them and be reminded, but he couldn’t bring himself to touch them. Her shoes were still scattered through the house, a pair by the front hall, some in the kitchen, more in the training room. Clothes and various items left casually around common areas. It hurt worse than any physical pain he ever felt.
No one had come to take over the institute yet, according to Emma the decision had been postponed, but it was only a matter of time. Each day he was waiting for the rest of the ground to crumble underneath him. He already felt like he was sinking in quicksand, he didn’t know how much longer he could go on like this. Emma put her hand on his shoulder, squeezing slightly. He hadn’t even realized she was behind him, though that’s how it had been in the aftermath of Livvy’s death. Emma shadowing him, sympathy and grief pouring off her, her concern like a living thing at his back.
He couldn’t remember how he had reacted in the Hall. His mind had blacked out, overcome with pain, grief, and his lack of control. This was something he couldn’t fix. He remembered hands on him trying to separate him from Livvy’s body. The blood-soaked in his clothes, matting them to his skin. Blood on his hands, smeared across his face and in his hair in desperation. He faintly remembered screaming, but after that things got fuzzy. The next image he had was Ty being carried out of the Hall, seemingly unconscious.
At that moment he thought he had lost them both and the pain knocked him flat, sagging in Emma’s grip, the other Shadowhunter’s having released him, as his body was headed toward the floor. Emma whispering or yelling, he couldn’t be sure, that Tiberius was alright in his ear. He remembered seeing Kit, Helen, and Mark’s stunned, tear-streaked faces through the crowd then blackness. The next thing he remembered was being in a small bathroom, likely somewhere in the Gard. Mark’s tear-stained face filling his vision, helping him undress. Clothes were sticking to him with dried blood, the blood of his baby. Barely making it to the toilet to throw up, shaking so hard he could scarcely support himself. Mark holding him up as he retched long after his stomach had emptied.
Next thing he knew, Ty was screaming in his arms, wanting to go home. His real home in Los Angeles and Julian swore he would make it happen. He would’ve burned down the entire world if it had soothed even a fraction of his brother’s pain. They had gotten to come home, but so far it hadn’t been kind to them.
Now, Julian stood in the kitchen, mechanically making grilled cheese sandwiches that no one was going to eat. Hardly anyone had been eating, including Julian, though he continued to make food and shove it in front of siblings in an attempt to persuade them to at least try to eat. An earth-shattering scream of pain broke the silence, causing him to jump and burn the side of his hand on the stove. He swore, instinctually putting the burn to his mouth, and took off a sprint down the hall. He knew that sound, Tiberius. Ty had been in a constant state of meltdown since his sister’s death, every sound or touch or sensation setting him over the edge. He hadn’t been able to hold anything down, not even water, and Julian felt as though he was in a constant state of panic over him. Words only erupted from like they were pulled from deep within his chest, coming out in these raw and primal screams. The sound came again, but this time Julian could hear his name, and it felt like someone had reached into his chest and was slowly scratching and tearing away at his beating heart.
He burst into the library, almost knocking Kit over, who seemed to be in the process of coming to get him as he relaxed fractionally upon seeing Julian. Mark was in the room, standing over Ty, looking lost as to whether to touch him or not. Julian fell to his knees next to his brother and pulled him in tight. Ty was rocking and shaking in his arms, making it hard to keep him close, but Julian was used to Ty’s movements from when he was just a small child, overwhelmed by the world, and had gotten skilled at matching them. Ty screamed Julian’s name again, the word raw and painful sounding.
“PLEASE JULIAN, PLEASE. MAKE IT STOP. PLEASE. WHY? WHY? WHY?”
Ty had his headphones on and his hands pressed against them, trying to block out a sound that didn’t exist. Julian desperately wished he had headphones as well, he felt like slamming his palms against his ears and curling up in the corner. His younger brother's screams seemed to tear holes in his brain, and he wasn’t sure how much longer he could stand it. The strength of Ty’s grief was so intense that it felt as it alone could crush him. But he couldn’t do that, so he held the boy tight against him, telling him over and over again that he was here, all the while knowing Ty was inconsolable. It was just something that would have to pass, usually when Ty’s body succumbed to exhaustion. Julian glanced around the room; Mark looked ready to be sick or pass out, so he quickly sent him out of the room to check on Tavvy. Ty’s grief echoed through the institute like a magnetic bomb, setting off anything in its path, and the younger kids needed shielding from it as much as the older ones. Not that there was much reprieve for Julian, but he couldn’t see any other way.
Helen excused herself by saying she’d check on Dru, though Julian hadn’t even noticed her when he came in. Kit was the next to leave, unable to withstand the heaviness in the room. Emma sunk to the ground near the door, Julian briefly glanced at her and noticed her holding her ears. Ty was starting to hyperventilate against him, and Julian was trying to get Ty’s attention, but the boy was doubled over on the floor, half on top of Julian’s lap. Ty was still yelling between breaths, sometimes an incoherent scream, a sound of pure grief and rage and confusion, and sometimes words. Julian couldn’t decide which hurt worse. “JULIAN, HOW COULD YOU LET THIS HAPPEN?”
The words came out of Ty in a loud rush between shallow breaths. Julian stopped breathing, swore his heart had stopped beating.
“WHY COULDN’T YOU SAVE HER, JULIAN? WHY? LIVVY, WHY? WHY?”
Julian vision started to tunnel, his arms loosening around Ty who was shaking and rocking so hard that his head accidentally collided with Julian’s chin. The blow was hard enough to cause Julian to stagger backward, biting down hard on his tongue and lower lip, causing blood to flood his mouth and nearly choke him. His arms flew from around Ty to catch himself before he slammed into the floor. He could feel rather than hear Emma coming toward him, and waved her off without looking. The physical pain helped him concentrate, and he shut every other part of his mind down until he was just Big Brother/Dad Julian. The one who had control and could fix anything.
He spits blood onto the floor before nearly lunging for Ty, laying himself over his back so that Ty was pinned in place. He placed his arms on either side of him, fighting his way to wrap them around the smaller boy’s chest, creating a vice around his brother’s body. Julian kept his mouth right near the headphone, having learned the hard way what moving it even slightly would do. “TIBERIUS, LISTEN TO ME. I’M HERE. IT’S JULIAN. I’M HERE.” Julian’s voice was loud but firm and calm. He wasn’t sure if it helped at all, but he continued to a steady mantra. Telling Ty he was there for him, that he wasn’t going anywhere, that he could get through this moment of overwhelming sensation. His mind flashed to him saying nearly the same things over Livvy’s dead body, and he had to tighten his grip, not because Ty needed him too, but because he needed something to ground him in this moment and this moment alone.
“I shouldn’t have contacted Annabel; I shouldn’t have sent a letter. Everything’s wrong. Everything. It’s too much. Too much noise, too many colors. It’s like shards of glass in my chest, cutting into my brain. I can’t do it, Julian. I can’t. I can’t. It’s too much. No, I can’t. I can’t.” The words came out of Ty in a rush of gasping breaths, so fast his words started to blur together, and it took Julian a second to figure out all he was saying.
“TY! Listen to me, feel me against you. It’s not your fault, and you are strong enough to get through this. Just try and breath with me, focus on your body and nothing else. Nothing else matters right now. Alright? Nothing else, just breath.”
Julian’s tongue felt swollen and clumsy in his mouth, but he forced himself to talk clearly, swallowing blood. Jules took a deep breath against Ty’s back, letting him feel the distinctive rise and fall. Ty gasped in a shallow breath, but it was progress. Julian continued to breathe deeply until Ty’s breathing was almost normal and the boy had stopped rocking, his shaking subsiding to only tremors. It was only then that Julian slowly began to take some of his weight off his brother, carefully pulling back, making sure Ty was alright before fully releasing him.
It was in these slightly quieter moments that Julian wished he could apply some type of rune to his brother. Maybe something for calm or sleep at the least, but the once familiar sting of the stele was too much sensation for Ty to handle. When they had first come home, Julian had tried to put a calming rune on Ty which resulted in a similar meltdown, but involved much more punching and kicking. It had taken Kit, Helen, Mark, Emma, and Julian to secure Ty, pinning each one of his limbs, while Julian tried to keep him still long enough to draw. The rune had come out sloppy, and they all decided that it wasn’t worth putting Ty or themselves through that again. Kit had gotten a black eye, and they were all sporting bruises and a few bite marks from the incident.
“Emma, can get us some water?” Julian whispered, afraid to move or breathe too loudly in case it set off Ty again. He couldn’t do this again right now. He was sure he would shatter. Julian had been leaving pitchers of water around in the common areas in an attempt to get everyone to at least drink water. He had been putting bottled water in his sibling's rooms each time he walked in, hoping if they didn’t have to get it themselves they would be more likely to drink it. Emma poured a cup of water from the pitcher and handed it to him. He could see she was shaking slightly, despite her attempt to hide it.
He cautiously put his hand on Ty’s back, and when Ty didn’t flinch away, he took that as a sign he could speak. “Ty, please drink something.”
Ty shook his head, not looking up at his brother. He still hadn’t uncurled himself from his face down position on the floor. “Ty, you need to at least drink something, or you’ll get sick. Just a little bit of water. For me?”
Ty lifted his head up fractionally, looking sideways at his older brother. Julian stifled a gasp at Ty’s red swollen eyes, the smudges of exhaustion ringing them were so dark it looked like he had been punched. Seeing Ty so pale and broken was like being burned over and over.
“Please,” Julian begged, holding out the glass.
Ty slowly sat up, his movements stiff and jerky. He stared at Julian with vacant eyes, making no move to reach for the glass. Julian brought himself closer to his younger brother, recognizing the look of Ty's mental shutdown. His mind was protecting itself by evacuating his body. He hated that part of him was grateful for that.
Julian held the cup to Ty’s cracked lips, which parted easily and Julian couldn’t help but flashback to the days after his parent’s death when he practically had to hand feed Ty whose mind couldn’t process the sudden loss of their parents and older siblings. Julian gently tipped the cup up letting a small bit of water flow through Ty’s dry lips, but the moment the water hit his throat Ty’s eyes widened, and he pulled away to gag.
“I’m sorry, Jules. I’m sorry. I tried.”
“Shhh, I know. I know. It’s okay,” Jules said, running his free hand through Ty’s hair. But it wasn’t okay at all. He wasn’t sure when Ty had last drunk anything, and his cheeks were already hollowing from weight loss. Not eating was one thing, but if he couldn’t even hold down water…
A hand on his shoulder distracted him from his thoughts. He gazed up, blinking away the blurriness of his vision to see Emma standing over him. She didn’t say a word as she sat next to him and he subconsciously leaned into her, needing to feel her close to him, even if he couldn’t find comfort in anything right now.
“Can you take me to Kit’s room?” Ty murmured, his eyes already starting to drift shut and his body slouching.
“Of course, Ty,” Julian said, getting shakily to his feet. Emma put her arm around Julian to steady him, though he tried to play it off. His body can’t take much more of this either. Ty had been refusing to sleep in his room or anywhere near Livvy’s room, so Julian had been letting him stay wherever he was comfortable. Sometimes it was in Kit’s room; other times it was the library, the kitchen, or even the hallway. No one dared argue with him, and Julian didn’t mind carrying Ty around like a small child if it helped fix any of this.
Julian lifted Ty up quickly in his arms, the younger boy hardly weighed anything, but he was surprised to feel a wave of dizziness overcome him, almost causing him to lose his footing. Emma was by his side in an instant, hands on his shoulders to steady him.
“Please, let me carry Ty this time, you need-”
“I’m fine, Emma,” Julian snapped, his voice much harsher than intended, but the dizziness hadn’t wholly receded, and he had never felt weaker or more exhausted in his life.
Emma’s eyes widened fractionally, and he instantly regretted his words. “Sorry, but I got it,” he said, trying to soothe the bite from his last words. Emma just nodded and jogged ahead of him, opening the doors so that he could easily maneuver the winding halls of the Institute with Ty. Kit was waiting by the door of his room when Emma and Julian arrived, and Julian placed an already sleeping Ty in Kit’s bed. Julian felt his mind starting to slip, the adrenaline of before starting to fade, leaving him shaky and empty. He gently brushed the sweat-soaked hair from Ty’s face before leaning down to kiss his little brother’s forehead.
Julian turned to Kit, who couldn’t take his eyes from Ty. “Come get me when he wakes up, but don’t leave him alone for long.” Julian’s own voice sounded far away to him. Kit nodded, and his eyes shot up to meet Julian’s for a fraction of a second, the only indication Julian had that he had spoken out loud.
He walked from the room and mechanically turned down the hallway, wondering if he should check on Tavvy or Dru, when Emma’s voice interrupted his thoughts.
“Um, Jules? Do you smell something burning?”
He hadn’t noticed anything until Emma had spoken, causing his senses to snap back to him. He did smell something burning, and as he hurried down the hall, he noticed a fine stream of smoke coming from the kitchen. He had forgotten to turn off the burner.
Julian dashed toward the kitchen, Emma close behind, and removed the pan of half blackened grilled cheese from the burner, while Emma switched it off. Smoke clouded the kitchen, causing both of them to cough. Emma waved her hand in front of her trying to clear some of it away. “Well, I think that’s enough excitement for one day.” Emma’s voice was full of forced airiness that Julian isn’t able to match. A wave of nausea and dizziness hits him again, and this time he can’t fight it back. He fell to his knees, his hand blindly reaching out to smack against the countertop, but it wasn’t enough to keep him upright. He felt himself pitch forward until he’s bracing himself on all fours.