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“Jules!” Emma exclaimed, rushing to his side and sliding to her knees. She put her hand on his shoulder, shocked to feel the tremors lacing through his muscles. “Julian,” Emma whispered, her voice tight. She leaned her head down, trying to meet Julian eyes. His sea green eyes are unfocused as his body starts to sag toward the floor. Anxiety tightened in Emma’s chest. She didn’t know what to do for him, knew there were no words or actions to fix this. Helplessness filled her, but she pulled Julian towards her anyway.
He hadn’t let her hold him since the day his sister had died. Jules had been so busy with his siblings, especially Ty, that the most Emma he had allowed Emma to comfort him was a few touches here and there. Most the times he brushed her away, and though she understood it always stung. However, she continued to shadow him, supporting him silently and only breathing in those few moments where he would lean into her. She had been watching him for days, knew he wasn’t sleeping, or taking care of himself at all. It was only a matter of time before his body physically couldn’t handle anymore.
“I’m fine. I’m okay,” Julian whispered, his words slurring together.
“I know, Jules. I know,” Emma replied, gently guiding Julian to the floor, his head resting against in her lap. He didn’t resist, though Emma felt he probably would have if he had the energy too. She rubbed his back as tremors continued to rack his body. His eyes fell closed, and his shaky arms found there way around her, pressing against her folded legs. Suddenly, Julian seemed so young, and her mind flashed back to when they were barely twelve. To the days after Julian had killed his father and his older siblings were sent away. To him, curled on the tile floor of the bathroom, shaking from nightmares and panic attacks, face pressed against Emma, hiding tears and muffling shaky sobs.
Honestly, she hadn’t known what to do for Jules then. All she had done, all she could think to do, was to be there for him. To stay up all night and fall asleep on the cold tile floor next to him. Though Julian had told her, in sometimes not quite direct ways, that her presence during that time had helped him, she wasn’t so sure. To her, it seemed that Julian had helped himself. Pulling himself up piece by piece, building something stronger, older, than his frail child-like frame. Molding himself into the man he had become, someone capable of raising children while he was one himself. Emma had always seen that in him. Always believed him infinitely intelligent, knew he would find a way.
But now she wasn’t sure how he could recover from this. How any of them would be okay after this. The future was measured in minutes and seconds. Each one more painful than the last. Since coming back to the LA Institute, Julian hadn’t given himself a second to grieve, and Emma allowed her concern for Julian to take her full focus, pushing back her loss. She hadn’t been all that surprised that Julian had gone into parenting mode, she could tell he was on autopilot, grasping for the control he desperately needed. It was typical of him to put his family before himself, though her concern for him had been growing as she watched it wear him down, physically and mentally. She just wished that they could have some time alone. Julian needed some time away from his siblings, needed somewhere private to fall apart. Emma knew she would never get him to agree to disappear with her somewhere, even if they had somewhere they could go.
A loud cracking sound startled Emma, and she felt Julian flinch against her. Her mind was slow to process the sound as being sound of a portal opening. Fear made her heart beat faster, and she glanced down at Julian, wide-eyed. Few people would come by a portal to see them and even fewer that would bring good news. Judging from the sound, she guessed the portal had opened in the main living space. Julian started to pull himself up, and she helped him to his feet, ignoring his half-hearted protests. She pulled his arm across her shoulders and nearly sighed with relief when he leaned against her, allowing her to support him as they made their way towards their unexpected guests.
A child’s yell echoed from the room into the hallway, causing Julian to tense. But the sound was different than the shouts of grief that had been echoing through the Institute for the past week. This sound was full of joy and followed by quiet laughter as a familiar voice gently admonished the child. Emma felt the relief through her whole body as they pushed through the doors.
Alec and Magnus stood in the room, Max hanging off of Alec’s arm as he lifted him, Raphael standing next to him, trying to hide the small smile on his face at his brother’s antics. They were like a breath of fresh air entering the institute, though Emma could see the strain at their edges. Magnus looked slightly pale, more tired than usual, and Alec’s eyes were rimmed with exhaustion. Even though the haze of combined grief she was living in, Emma could see the weight of the same emotion in Alec’s eyes, the loss of his father looming over him.
“Why are you here?” Julian asked, his voice sounding hollow as he pulled away from Emma.
Julian was still unsteady, and Emma wanted to reach out, put her hand on his arm or back to ground him, but she could tell that he didn’t want that. Not in front of Alec and Magnus, so she clenched her fist at her side and shadowed him as he tried to casually walk towards a table to lean against.
“We thought you might need some help,” Magnus replied. Emma could see the empathy in his eyes. In fact, there was so much pain and grief in his eyes as he looked between Emma and Julian that Emma felt her eyes well up and had to look away. Magnus was immortal, and the thought of all the people he had lost and would continue to lose throughout his life staggered Emma. One day, Magnus would watch Alec die and have to go on living without him. The thought of losing Julian, of him dying, completely wrecked Emma. She pushed the thought away quickly. There was no life beyond Julian’s, and she refused to think of the possibility that one day their might have to be.
“Um, we brought some stuff that you might need. Stuff that might help a bit,” Alec’s voice cut through the heavy silence. Emma realized that they all had been silent for some time, the thickness of grief filling the room without any of them realizing. Emma pulled her eyes from the floor and back to Jules, who was supporting himself with his hand on the table. His eyes were scarily blank and empty as he stared at Alec and Magnus. She wasn’t quite sure if he was even seeing them.
“Thanks,” Emma said, unable to pull her eyes from Julian. She wasn’t sure if she wanted their guest to hurry and leave or to stay forever. It was nice having other people in the house that they trusted, but it also felt strange, like anyone outside of the Emma and Blackthorns shouldn’t be inside during this painful time.
A pitiful sounding laugh came from Julian, “What could possibly help us?”
Magnus hadn’t taken his eyes from Julian. “I brought potions that can help with malnourishment and dehydration. And some calming balms as well among other things.”
“Ty can’t even hold down water; I doubt he’d be able to drink a potion.” Julian’s voice was flat and bitter. Emma had never heard him sound like that before, so defeated. Anxiety flared in her chest.
“The calming balm can be applied topically. It might help Ty drink something; he doesn’t have to get down much to help,” Alec interjected. “He will still need to eat and drink, but these potions will help his body stay strong for a while even without much else.”
“I don’t know if I can get him to agree to anything. He can’t even handle runes…” Julian’s voice trailed off, and it took a few moments for him to start speaking again. “I don’t want to do anything to him that he doesn’t want. I don’t want to sedate him or anything.”
“It won’t sedate him, just soothe him and help him stay calm,” Magnus responded. “It might make it easier for him to at least drink a potion and some water.”
“I’ve used it, I have it on me now,” Alec interjected. “We’ve used it on Max and Raphael in smaller doses when they’ve had nightmares. It’s safe.”
“It’s not just that. You don’t know the situation.” Julian’s voice sounded hard and angry, his jaw tense.
“I don’t know you’re family that well. That’s true, but I know what it’s like to lose a younger sibling. I know what it’s like to blame yourself and feel completely and utterly lost and nothing will ever be okay again.”
Julian’s eyes widened, and the tension in his jaw softened. Emma remembered at that moment that Alec had lost his brother Max in the Dark War. That Sebastion had killed him when Alec was at the Gard. If anyone could begin to understand what the Blackthorns were going through it would be Alec. He had turned away, and she could feel him trying to compose himself.
“I’m sorry,” he murmured, still unable to look at Magnus and Alec.
“It’s alright,” Alec responded, gently. Magnus put his hand on Alec’s shoulder, and Alec naturally leaned into his touch, glancing at him with such love and unspoken connection that Emma felt she should look away. An unexpected surge of anger went through her at their easy display of affection. Her and Julian would never be able to do that. Not while they were parabatai.
Suddenly, the door to the living area burst open and the tiny figure darted past Emma and ran over to Max and Raphael. Tavvy was nearly jumping with excitement at seeing his friends, who separated themselves from their parents and hugged the little Blackthorn. Emma found herself smiling at the reunion of the little kids, realizing how much they all needed this. Tavvy would get to be a regular kid for a bit and enjoy being around other kids his age.
Raphael separated from the other two boys, smiling at someone behind Emma. Emma turned to see Christina walking towards them. She must have realized who was here and brought Tavvy down. Emma hoped that she could feel her thankfulness as Raphael went over to hug her and chat excitedly in Spanish.
“We’ll stay for awhile,” Alec said hesitantly as if unsure how Julian would react. “to let the kids play together.”
Tavvy ran up to Julian and grabbed his hand. Emma watched as Julian tried to focus, tried to seem like the stable and controlled parental figure that his sibling expected, “Can we play in the library? Please, Jules?”
Julian took a few seconds to answer, and Emma could see his jaw clench as he fought for composure. Luckily, Tavvy was young and didn’t seem to notice his older brother was about to fall apart. “Yes, but someone has to watch you…”
“I can watch them,” Christina interjected. “I really don’t mind.”
The kids cheered and ran over to Christina, practically pulling her from the room in their haste. Christina glanced back and waved toward Magnus and Alec, before meeting Emma’s eyes with a sad, worried smile. Thank you, Emma mouthed. Christina just nodded and glanced between her and Jules in concern.
“Julian,” Magnus started. “We also came to give you and Emma a break. We thought that maybe-“
“No. I can’t leave them,” Julian interrupted.
“You wouldn’t be leaving your family. I’d just portal you somewhere safe, to give you a few moments alone and then you would come right back here.” Magnus’s voice was soft and gentle, though there was an underlying firmness to it that made Emma think of talking someone back from the edge of the cliff.
“Jules, I think we should listen to Magnus. You need-”
“No. You’ve seen Ty. What would happen if I wasn’t here when he has another meltdown? Dru hasn’t moved from her room, and I have to check on her. Mark and Helen can’t handle all this without me.”
“Julian,” Emma started reaching out to him. She placed her hand on his shoulder, but it was like she wasn’t even there. His eyes were cloudy, and he continued talking like she hadn’t spoken.
“Then I have to make sure everyone’s drinking. They need to drink water, or they’ll get sick. Who's going to tell them to drink? I need to be here with them right now. Not anywhere else. I need-”
“Julian!” Emma half-yelled, shaking him slightly to knock him out of trance-like state.
He blinked a few times before his eyes focused on her. A muscle jumped in his jaw and Emma wanted to throw her arms around him, but he stood unyielding under her touch. Her hand on his shoulder felt as if grasping a statue. “Everything is falling apart. Everyone is in pieces.”
Emma’s breath caught at the hopelessness in Julian’s voice. She had never seen him look so lost and helpless. “Let them help us. Please, Jules. You need it; you can’t keep going on like this.”
Julian still looked reluctant, but eventually relented under Emma’s gaze. Julian turned to Magnus and Alec, consenting. “If anything happens come get me right away. Right. Away. Promise me that.”
“I promise,” Magnus replied solemnly.
Julian nodded, and Magnus started making a portal, Alec grasping his arm worriedly as the magic began to swirl in the air. The enormity of what the couple was doing for them hit Emma at that moment. Magnus had been sick for a while, his magic draining him much more than usual, but he still portaled his family here. He was risking his health, something neither him nor Alec took lightly, so that Julian could grieve in peace with Emma by his side.
Emma felt her eyes well up again, but blinked the water away, pushing the feelings back. Julian needed her right now. Once the portal was fully formed, Emma stepped forward, pulling Jules with her. He stumbled slightly, and Emma steadied him, locking their elbows together as he swayed. “Hold on to him,” Magnus whispered, as he brushed past Emma and onto Julian’s other side. Emma didn’t realize what he meant by that, but she wasn’t planning on letting go of Jules anyway, so she didn’t question. “Let’s go,” Magnus said, grabbing Julian’s other arm as they stepped forward.
Going through a portal was never a pleasant experience. It was strange and disorienting and nauseating. Emma realized as the peculiar, dizzying feeling took over why Magnus had told her to hold on to Julian. Julian who was already unsteady, completely collapsed as they stepped through the portal and into the new space. She felt Julian’s knees buckle and managed to support some of his weight along with Magnus to lower him to the ground.
He was pale and gasping, doubled over on the ground of the space. Emma was too focused on Jules to really notice where they were, but eventually, awareness slid into her mind, along with an eerie sense of familiarity. She glanced around. They were at the cottage. The same cottage Emma had admitted to Julian that she loved him, that she had always loved him. The same cottage they had given in and relearned each other's bodies. The thought of her hands against the smooth muscles of Julian’s chest sent a shiver through her. Everything was just how they had left it. Teacups and dishes still on the table and countertops. The bed a tangle of blankets. Did Magnus really have to bring them here of all places?
“Really?” Emma asked sardonically, turning to Magnus.
“There’s nowhere else private and warded as heavily. This was the only safe place I could think of. If my magic was better, I could’ve-”
“It’s okay,” Emma interrupted. Magnus already seemed exhausted from opening the portal, and he was risking so much helping them. She felt bad for even questioning him, seeing the earnest look on his face. “Really. Just, thank you. For helping us.”
Magnus smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes. Julian suddenly lurched upward, startling Emma, as he stumbled towards the bathroom. She could hear him heaving and winced at the sound. She never wanted to take away someone else’s pain as much as she did Julian’s at that moment. She turned to follow, but Magnus stopped her. “I’m leaving some of these potions here. This is the topical balm for calming, and both of you should drink one of these vials. These tablets help with sleep, though that’s up to you how you use them. I think he needs rest whether he thinks so or not, both of you do.”
Emma nodded, half-listening as Magnus continued.
“And Emma?” The severe tone of Magnus’s voice caused Emma to give him her full attention, despite her need to get to Jules.
“Yeah?”
“No runes.”
“Okay,” Emma replied, solemnly.
“Keep the phone with you so we can call if anything happens,” Magnus finished, as he opened another portal and stepped through.
The cottage seemed quieter now that she knew it was just her and Jules. Emma took a deep breath, centering herself, and walked towards the half-closed bathroom door. She wasn’t sure what she was expecting when she walked in, but it wasn’t Julian vomiting blood. Her heart skipped as she slid to her knees next to him.
“By the Angel, Jules…”
“It’s okay,” Julian gasped, spitting blood. “It’s from where I bit my lip and tongue when Ty-” Julian’s breath caught as turned to dry heave again. Emma watched feeling helpless as his muscles tightened and spasmed, her hand running up and down his back. She hadn’t really gotten a good look at him until now. She could see where his lip had already swelled; the skin was cracked and raw. His tongue seemed swollen and clumsy as he stood and rinsed his mouth in the sink, the water pink as he spits. Emma stayed by his side, holding onto his arm too tight. Some part of her felt like if she didn’t hold on to him, he’d disappear somewhere she couldn’t follow.
Her other hand instinctively reached for her stele. An iratze would fix him right up, but it wasn’t a luxury they had right now. It was strange for Emma to think of runes as something that was a luxury to them. Shadowhunter’s were so tied to runes, their whole lives marked in thin scars across their skin. Instead, she put her hand against the parabatai rune on Julian’s shoulder. It was the only way she could think to let Julian now she was here, really here with him. Feeling his pain, sharing it, willing to take the burden from him for as long as he would let her. The irony of the parabatai rune being the root of their problems as well as the solution was not lost on Emma. Despite all the harm it was causing them, Emma could admit to herself how afraid she was of losing this connection to Jules. It was a part of her as much as her skin, a part of both of them tied together by something stronger than either. She’d never tell Julian, but she was nearly as terrified of breaking the parabatai rune as she was of losing Jules because of it.
Julian’s breathing had begun to calm, though he was still bracing himself over the sink. His eyes slid to meet Emma’s in the mirror when he felt her hand press against the rune on his shoulder. Slowly, he shifted his weight to one arm, lifting his other and reaching behind his back, covering Emma’s hand tightly with his own. Julian glanced sideways at Emma and Emma watched his face in the mirror and knew all at once that he understood. He understood exactly what she meant without her having to say anything at all. The look on his face and the feeling of finally being connected to Julian again after weeks of agony nearly brought tears to her eyes. She clenched her jaw and bit the inside of her cheek for a second until the feeling passed. This wasn’t about her right now.
Gently she moved her hand farther up his shoulder, his hand gliding with hers. She turned him to face her and allowed herself to really look at him. His eyes were dark and bloodshot, his face gaunt and pale, the red, cracked skin on his lip standing out in stark contrast to his drawn features. She briefly wondered how he could still look so beautiful and so heartbreakingly shattered at the same time. She didn’t give either of them time to think as she removed her hand from his and closed the space between them. Pressing her head against his chest and properly holding him for the first time since his sister had died. For the first time in what felt like a long time.
She could feel the tension in his muscles, the rapid beat of his heart against her ear, the choppy rise and fall of his chest as his body worked for each breath. His arms came around her, tightening across her back, one hand sliding upwards to tangle in her hair and cradle her head.
“Emma,” Julian sighed, leaning into her embrace.
They stayed silent for a few moments, just holding each other. Though Emma felt connected to Julian for the first time in a while, she didn’t know what to say to him. How to breach the loss and stress he was under. She wasn’t sure how her presence would ever be enough to help him overcome this. She had been there for him when he lost his mom, then his father and siblings, telling him he could do anything and listening to him through his panic and nightmares. Honestly, she hadn’t been sure of herself then either, but she knew that if they were together, they could get through anything. They were parabatai. Julian had even stood by her through her obsessive need to find out what really happened to her parents. She never doubted him or their bond. Now though, she wasn’t so sure. How could she help him through the death of his younger sister? How could she be enough to get him through his grief and that of all his siblings?
Even with her overwhelming uncertainty, she couldn’t imagine being away from Julian. She couldn’t fathom a world without him in it or a world where they were irrevocably bonded. Though she wasn’t sure what she could do for Julian, short of being there for him, she knew she’d try anything if it would help him out the slightest bit.
“I don’t think I can do this, Emma.” Julian’s voice was barely a whisper, his breath moving her hair. “I can’t get everyone through this. I can’t get myself through this.”
“You can, Jules. I don’t know how, but we will get through this. You’re not alone.”
Julian’s breath caught, and Emma could feel him start to shake. His arms tightened around her, his fingertips digging into her back. She knew that all the tiny cracks in his armor were coming to light, all that was shielding him from his grief was shattering. He lowered his head to her shoulder, and she could feel the wetness of his tears, but she knew this was only the beginning. Julian had been holding himself together ever since he rejoined his siblings at the Gard. He’d been putting his family before himself, and she had been watching as each day wore him down more and more. He needed to let himself go, and she intended to be there to pull him back after the implosion.
“Emma, I…I don’t…” Julian’s voice was thick with emotion as he stumbled over what to say. Emma pulled back slightly to look him in the eyes. “You don’t have to say anything, Jules. It’s okay. Just…Just feel what you need to. It’s alright.”
She could see the pain on his face, the unshed tears in his sea-green eyes. She reached up and cupped his jaw in her hand. “It’s just me here, Jules.”
Julian’s face crumpled as the first sob built up in his body; then he was clinging to Emma, gasping for breath as he succumbed to the tears. Emma knew there was nothing to be said, no words could comfort him now, so instead, she just held him, rubbing her hand up and down his back, as he cried against her. He was trembling so hard that she worried he wouldn’t be able to stand much longer, so she gently coaxed him from the bathroom, his arm slung around her shoulder as she supported most of his weight, and led him to the bed. Julian nearly collapsed onto the bed but pulled himself up a bit to sit on the edge with Emma.
Emma sat next to him as he crumpled forward, sobbing quietly. She gently guided his face to her, wiping his tears away with her thumbs. She could tell Julian had something to say, that he was trying to get ahold of himself to speak, so she sat with him patiently until he was calm enough.
“Did you hear what Ty said? When he had his breakdown, he said I should have saved her. He blames me and he should. The kids are my responsibility. Livvy-” The words tumbled out of Julian, but he had to pause at Livvy’s name. Emma wanted to interrupt, to stop him. Her chest hurt from the amount of pain he was in, his words causing her heart to break for him, but she could tell there was more he needed to say. “Livvy was my responsibility. I don’t know how Ty will ever come back from this. They’ve never even been apart, and Ty is so particular about things. Only she could calm him down. What if Ty never recovers from this? What if none of us do? What if Ty-”
“Julian, stop,” Emma kept her voice stern, cutting through Julian’s mantra. “You need to calm down.” Julian’s breathing had become erratic and shallow, and he started to double over. She recognized the signs of panic attack, she had talked him through them before, but this seemed different. This panic attack seemed way more intense than his previous ones. She wasn’t sure if that was even possible, but she felt like his grief and panic were filling the space and suffocating them both.
“Julian, lay back, try to take a deep breath,” Emma tried to coach Julian’s breathing as he weakly swung his legs onto the bed, curling up into a near fetal position, but his breathing remained shallow, his breaths coming too fast. Emma felt panic rising in her as Julian gasped beside her. His already pale skin seemed to have taken on a grayish tone, and his eyes seemed to be losing focus. She tried to get him to breath into his hands or even into the blanket, but he looked beyond being able to get control. Part of her felt that he didn’t want control, that he wanted to lose consciousness even though he had to feel like hell. She pushed the thought away, telling herself it was ridiculous, while she jumped off the bed, looking for anything to help.
She saw the stuff Magnus had left them on the table and practically lunged for it. She remembered him saying something about a calming balm. She wasn’t sure it would be strong enough to stop a full-on panic attack, but she didn’t have any other options. Luckily, Magnus had left little notes explaining what each thing was, knowing that Emma hadn’t paid close attention. She silently thanked him in her head and grabbed the calming balm, twisting the cap off with such force it cracked.
She nearly jumped back onto the bed next to Jules; his body looked slack and small in the bed. She swore his lips looked blue as his eyes began to roll back into his head. His breathing was still labored, slowing only slightly as he started to lose consciousness, though picking back up each time he became more alert. She had never seen a panic attack like this one and terror settled in her bones as she plunged her hand into the balm. The coolness of gel-like substance grounded her, and since she didn’t know exactly what to do with it, she moved the collar of Julian’s shirt and began massaging the balm into the tense muscles of his right shoulder. She could feel the point of his shoulder blade through his skin, a shocking reminder of how much weight he had lost, though she didn’t let herself dwell on it just yet. Instead, she methodically massaged his shoulder and ran her hand down his back, rubbing until the balm had wholly absorbed into his skin.
The balm seemed to work reasonably quickly, as Julian’s breathing began to stabilize soon after it was applied, but Emma could feel the weight of each second. When Julian was calmer, she prodded him onto his stomach, and so she could easily reach his back. She slid her hands under his shirt, kneading the calming gel into his stiff muscles, trying not to think about the last time they were in this bed together. Instead, she focused on how fragile Julian felt beneath her hands. She could practically feel the ridges of his spine and another bolt of worry shot through her. Keep it together, she told herself angrily. She needed to be strong for Julian right now; she couldn’t let her fear or panic or grief get in the way.
“Sorry,” Julian mumbled, breaking through the trance-like state Emma was in. She came back to herself and realized she was still rubbing Julian’s back, though Julian was significantly calmer now and breathing normally.
“There’s nothing to apologize for, Jules,” Emma said as she laid on her side, facing him. Laying like this reminded her of when they were much younger. Sharing beds when neither of them could sleep or stand to be alone. Whispering to each other all night long. She desperately wished things were still like that now.
She stared into Julian’s eyes, taking him in as he stared back. His eyes were red and puffy from crying, his face drawn with exhaustion, his swollen lip standing out in stark contrast to his pale skin. She tried to think of the last time she saw Julian eat something and couldn’t think of when that could have been. “I should get back,” Julian whispered, it seemed like it took all his strength just to speak. “but I don’t know if I can.”
Emma’s heart twisted, and she reached for his hand. “I think you need to give yourself a little more time.”
Julian sighed, his eyes falling closed for a brief second before focusing on her. Emma felt like she was laying next to a powder keg, any spark sure to set it off. She wondered if she should keep her mouth shut and let him be. Not say anything and hope that the little bit of emotion and panic he got out would be enough, but she couldn’t seem to do that. She had to tell him what she was thinking. Honestly, she felt he needed to hear it.
“Jules, Ty didn’t mean what he said. He’s panicked and overwhelmed. You’re the only one that’s been able to help him these past few days. He’s going to get through this. Just like we all will because we have each other. I know you think what happened to Livvy was your fault, that everything that happens to your siblings is your fault, but it’s not, Jules. It’s really really not. None of this is your fault, Julien.”
Emma didn’t break eye contact with Jules as she said what she needed to, squeezing his hand. A muscle twitched in Julian’s jaw as she spoke and when she was done his eyes shut tight. She could feel him fighting back the emotion, likely not wanting to lose control again, but she could tell it was different this time. He needed to break down, entirely and without panic. She slid herself closer to him, pressing her body against his and guiding his head to her chest as tears silently slipped over the bridge of his nose.
“Livvy’s dead,” Julian gasped. “My baby, my sister, is dead.”
Emma could feel the words break him, and he completely shattered against her. His sobs seemed to come from deep within him, tearing their way out of his chest. The sound was so raw that Emma felt tears well in her eyes, a few silently sliding down her cheeks as she ran her fingers through Julian’s hair. She remembered standing next to Julian at his mother’s funeral, holding his hand as he cried. She remembered thinking that it seemed like the tears were being pulled from him by hooks deep within his chest. The sound was so stricken that Emma was sure it was the most heartbreaking sound she could ever hear. But the sounds he was making now were even worse. She had never heard anyone sound as broken as Julian did at that moment.
It wasn’t like Ty’s primal, out of control grief, that felt like knives raking through your heart and tearing into your brain. Julian’s sobs sounded like pure and utter devastation like his heart and soul were shattering. Emma held her breath, pushing the sound of his pain to the back of her mind, so she didn’t break with him. Instead, she stayed still and let Julian cling to her like a child, his head pressed against her chest, arms draped across her middle, legs tangled with hers as he shook with grief.
Emma didn’t speak as Julian broke down, knowing there weren’t words to comfort him and that he was so lost in his pain he wouldn’t be able to process anything. Instead, she ran her hand through his hair, down his back, over his shoulder, squeezing slightly when a particularly intense tremor racked him. She recognized when panic started to grip him again, and he tried to pull away, she gently led him back down against her, settling his head in the crook of her neck and whispering that it was okay as his sobs quieted against her.
She wasn’t sure how much time had passed by the time Julian had cried himself out. He lay limp and exhausted against her, his body still trembling with the aftershocks of such an intense emotional release. He was already draped over her, but it didn’t seem close enough to her. Emma found herself wanting to wrap her body around him, cocooning him in her embrace and protecting him from all this. Instant, she tilted he face up to look at her. He complied at the slightest touch of her hand under his chin, and she gently wiped away the tear tracks under his eyes and across his cheeks. His face was splotchy and lined with grief and fatigue, but his eyes, though red and puffy, seemed a bit clearer. A little of the weight he was carrying released with the emotion.
Emma's chest felt tight, and she couldn’t quite identify all she was feeling. The pain in Julian’s face, the pain from him she had just witnessed, her grief over Livvy’s death, the shape of Julian’s lips, how they looked so large and soft in his vulnerable face. She never wanted to kiss him more. She’d only have to move a little bit to close the space between them. She found herself instinctually leaning forward, but was saved when Julian turned away, coughing to clear his throat.
“Emma…” his voice was thick and raspy. The sound seemed painful, and Emma instantly cut him off.
“No talking yet. Just relax,” Emma whispered, her hand cupping his face and ruffling his hair. She started to pull away, and Julian’s arm tightened around her. “It’s okay. I’m just going to see what Magnus left us and get you something to drink.”
Julian nodded slightly, letting Emma untangle herself from him and slide out of bed. Emma walked over to the table and started looking through the vials and jars Magnus had left. Thankfully, Magnus had labeled everything and left notes as to what each thing was since Emma had only been half listening when Magnus had been explaining each item. She grabbed an assortment of things, including something that was wrapped up in a small box, and climbed back into the bed with Julian.
“You think you can drink one of these?” Emma asked, holding up a vial of blue liquid that Magnus had labeled as being hydrating and nutritious.
Julian nodded, trying to clear his throat again as he sniffled. She opened the vial and handed it to him, opening another for herself. She watched Julian drink, feeling an almost maternal need to make sure he got sustenance, before drinking hers.
“You really should try to sleep.” She knew they would need to get back soon, but she really hoped she could convince Julian to sleep even if it was just for an hour.
“I can’t,” Julian rasped out. “Every time I close my eyes I see…I see that day. And I can’t stop hearing Ty screaming in my head. Whenever I fall asleep, I wake up in a panic minutes later.”
The honesty made Emma’s heart constrict, and it took her a few moments before she could catch her breath enough to respond. “Magnus left something that helps with sleep. I think you should take some; I’ll stay awake in case anything happens.”
“The kids!” Julian exclaimed, suddenly coming back to reality. “I should get back. They might need me.”
Julian shifted himself over Emma and stood next to the bed, despite Emma’s protest. He was already ghostly pale, but any color he had left seemed to drain from his face as he stood, leaving him swaying and leaning against the bed for support. Emma shot up and balanced him against her, ignoring his weak protest and forcing him to lay back down. While he was catching his breath, Emma found the cell phone hidden in the blankets of the bed and checked the messages. There was nothing from the Magnus or Alec, which she took as a good sign, and sent a quick text asking how everyone was and if they had time for Julian to get some uninterrupted sleep.
Alec replied quickly with detailed messages which Emma relayed to Julian, who was lying with his arm over his eyes on the bed. Helen and Aline were with Dru, but now Dru was hanging out with Christina and the kids. Alec and Magnus managed to rouse Ty enough to speak to him, and he agreed to the calming balm. After he was calmer, Alec talked to him and got him to drink - and keep down - one of the potions and something to help him sleep, which was what he was doing now, with Kit watching over him. The only thing Alec said about Mark was that he was alright and since Emma believed Alec wouldn’t lie, she didn’t feel the need to question and neither did Julian.
“Alec says you have time to sleep, and he wants to know if it’s okay if his family spends the night at the Institute. He says the kids keep asking.”
“Of course they can stay. It’s probably good for Tavvy to have some kids his own age around,” Julian mumbled, but Emma could understand every word. The benefit of growing up and being best friends with someone meant that you could usually make out what would be incoherent to others.
Emma was sitting on the edge of the bed, her back to Julian as she typed out her reply to Alec when she felt the bed shift. Julian’s hand closed around her arm, and she twisted to look at him. Her breath caught in her chest as her eyes met his. He was looking at her with such raw vulnerability, a hundred emotions shining in his sea green eyes. After months of a wall between them, after years of hiding how they really felt for each other, this moment was the most open she had ever seen him. She put the phone aside, not breaking eye contact, and let him pull her down on the bed until they were laying on their sides facing each other.
“Emma, I don’t know what to say to that properly conveys how much you mean to me,” Julian started, his voice barely louder than a whisper in the silence of the cottage. “I don’t know how I’m going to keep going after everything that’s happened, but right now all I can think about is you. I couldn’t live without you. I can’t live without you.”
Emma felt her eyes fill with tears, and the lump in her throat threatened to choke her, but she didn’t want to break down now. Julian still needed her strength, so she bit the inside of her cheek hard and let her eyes fall shut until the feeling passed.
“You know I can’t live without you either. You’re a part of me as much as being a Shadowhunter. You’re in my blood. I need you, Julian. I need you so much it’s terrifying.” Emma couldn’t believe the words that came out of her mouth. It must have been a combination of Julian’s honesty and her own out of control emotions that let her speak what she’d been holding back so easily.
Julian’s eyes widened fractionally, his lips pulling up at the corners slightly, “I don’t deserve you.”
Before Emma could respond, Julian closed the space between them; his lips gently pressed against hers. Shock paralyzed Emma’s body, she felt like a statue next to the warmth radiating from him. His lips were so soft, just as she imagined them, just as she remembered them.
“Everything’s wrong, Emma. My life, our family’s life, none of it will ever be the same. I know this is wrong, but you’re the only thing that feels right. I want to kiss you, to feel you. All of you.” Julian was still so close that she could feel his breath against her face as he spoke, practically feel his lips moving with the words against hers. Any control she thought she had snapped.
She slammed her lips against his, letting her arms go around him. She couldn’t get him close enough, and he was pulling her towards him like she was his lifeline. Emma parted her lips and Julian instantly deepened the kiss, their tongues intertwining, breathing each other in like they were suffocating. Emma twisted so that she was on top of Julian, straddling him. She felt like all her nerves were on fire, the tightness in her chest easing as she gave into the feel of Julian under her. His body as familiar to her own. His hands found their way to her hair, easily pulling out the braid so that her long blonde hair fell in a curtain around them.
Emma poured her sadness and panic into the kiss, and she could feel Julian doing the same. The edge of desperation as they pulled at each other’s clothes. Though there was more than just their combined overwhelming grief and confusion, there was love and a sense of complete understanding. Emma didn’t let herself think as the rest of their clothes fell away and she moved on top of Julian. She knew they’d regret this later, that this could only make everything worse, but for the first time since Livvy died, she felt they maybe could get through this. She could feel Julian sharing the feeling, that he needed this as much as her, needed this connection and this reminder that they were still alive.
Eventually, she collapsed on top of him, as Julian seemed to sink deeper into the mattress, they’re breathing labored. Emma didn’t want this moment to end. She could almost believe that this was months ago, when they had lain in this same bed, so in love, without knowing the consequences brought on by the parabatai bond. She could almost make herself believe they’d come home in the morning to the Blackthorn family intact. For now, she let herself hold Julian and let herself be held by him. Both of them coming to the unspoken agreement to stay in their little bubble a while longer. Julian’s hand ran sleepily up and down her arm; he didn’t seem able to stop touching her. She felt herself relaxing, exhaustion taking over, just as she felt his fingers tracing letters against her skin. She made herself concentrate, deciphering the words he was spelling out: I-L-O-V-E-Y-O-U.