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The words "head trauma" "i'm sorry" "he's gone" kept spinning inside his head. The pitiful glances he got from different people, from his neighbors, friends, schoolmates, teachers, family, all of those are close to choking him. Taehyung doesn't want all of those, he didn't ask for them. He doesn't care about them. He just wanted to mourn all by himself without receiving anything from other people. He wanted time for himself. To heal. To be whole again. But he knows that's impossible.
The day Seokjin died is also the day Taehyung lost himself. He remembered how Seokjin's mother called him at 6 a.m saying Seokjin got into an accident while doing his morning jogs. He thought it was just a simple accident but when he came, he saw an unknown woman crying and saying the word "sorry" repeatedly. He spotted of Seokjin's sneakers, the one Taehyung gave on his 20th birthday, his boyfriend's favorite pair of sneakers. He looked for its pair and he found it. On Seokjin's foot. And he saw him lying lifeless on the ground. His head dripping with blood, his whole body pale, his pink and plush lips now grey and dry. He felt his heart stopped beating with the sight. No. This can't be. His Seokjin. What happened to him? Things happened pretty fast, his boyfriend's body being carried by men he doesn't recognize, Seokjin's mom approaching him and hugging him tightly. Taehyung wanted to hug back but he can't because he felt frozen. He can't move a single finger.
Days go by. Seokjin's funeral came in a blur. His family decided to donate Seokjin's organs to people in need since they know Seokjin would be happy about it, he loves to help other people, the exact reason why he chose to take medicine in college. Taehyung didn't disagree with that, he knew, Seokjin would love that idea. But there's one thing bothering him. His heart. Seokjin's heart. He's wondering who received it.
Graduation passed by, summer break started. Taehyung should be preparing for college. His original plan was to go to the same college as Seokjin. But now that he's gone, he's not doing anything about it. He already inquired, he got accepted, only his confirmation is needed for him to be enrolled but he's not answering the university's emails.
Months after, Seokjin's family and Taehyung, got in touch with the recipients of Seokjin's organs. They were happy about it because even though it's not mandatory, these people chose to talk to them and thank them. One by one, Taehyung met all of them, except for one. The receiver of Seokjin's heart.
He wanted to find that person, he knows it's against the rule for him to look for the donor but he can't help it. He wanted to find him. He doesn't need a conversation with him, he doesn't want a friendship with the person. He just wanted to see him to see if he's using Seokjin's heart the way it is suppose to be used.
For so long, Taehyung was the one with Seokjin's heart. He just wanted to see where it is now.
Seokjin's heart, Taehyung believes, is very strong. Seokjin suffered a lot since he was a kid. He was an orphan, he grew up with the Kims when they adopted him and he met Taehyung when they moved houses. By then, Taehyung met a very awkward boy who can't even start a conversation. When they went to the same high school, the kids kept bullying him because his fingers looked weird. He also got criticisms when people found out that he's gay and in a relationship with Taehyung. Taehyung also received those homophobic slurs and judging eyes but he didn't care because that's just in his nature, he's fine with it, fuck everyone and their problems with his gender. But with Seokjin, it's different. He took them seriously and even though he's not talking about it with Taehyung, Taehyung can see it in Seokjin's eyes. So he made a promise to himself that he will protect him.
And now, inside his car, Taehyung wonders who's the lucky one. He has a name though, he got it from one of the nurses, he knows it's wrong, it's illegal, but he's desperate. He just wanted to see that person. And maybe by then, Taehyung can find peace. He can finally move on and accept that Seokjin is gone, and they will meet again in the after life.
Min Yoongi.
When he got his name, he immediately searched for it. He took a long time to find the one he's looking. There are a lot of Min Yoongi in the whole South Korea. But he found someone that he knew fitted in the puzzle. Min Yoongi from Daegu. He found Yoongi by his friend, Park Jimin. Park Jimin who kept tagging Min Yoongi on his facebook posts and Taehyung's thankful for him because he made everything easier. He saw Park Jimin's posts when Min Yoongi got admitted in the hospital, expressing his happiness that his friend finally found a donor, Taehyung also his posts that the two of them, including their other friends, Jung Hoseok, Kim Namjoon and Jeon Jungkook, frequently go to a shop called "The Mins".
And Taehyung is there, right now. He's been here for 30 minutes, he drove from Seoul to Daegu for almost 5 hours just to be here. He really wanted to see Min Yoongi. To see how he's doing. The photos aren't enough. Though Taehyung thinks he's happy, if his gummy smile in an indication. But he knows he wanted more, maybe hear him talk? Walk. Run. He wants to see how Min Yoongi uses Seokjin's heart. He just wanted to see if he's using it right. Besides, Taehyung owns it. Owned it for a long time.
He went out of his car, taking a deep breathe. His knees feel weak while walking. He decided to go inside the cafe, take a look and maybe he can see Min Yoongi there. When he entered the shop, he identified the walls and the chairs. What caught his attention were the photos hanging on the wall. Taehyung walked closer and took a good look. What he can see is a pale child. The child wasn't smiling in every photos, he looked very sad, not a single color in his skin, his eyes look deep and there are dark circles around it. It's Yoongi. Yoongi during his childhood, Yoongi as a teen, always pale and he looks lifeless. But when he reached the 3rd to the last frame, he saw Min Yoongi in his happiest state. He can see his gummy smile, and Taehyung smiled a little. He's happy, Seokjin fulfilled his dreams, he made people happy by helping them.
"That's me..." someone talked behind his back. His voice deep, but Taehyung thinks it's peaceful. He turned around to face the person and froze when he saw who it is.
Taehyung doesn't know if it's just him or Min Yoongi looks shock when he saw him. "You're Taehyung...right?" Min Yoongi asked. Taehyung got confused. He knew him, he knew Taehyung.
He smiled a little before continuing "the nurse gave me a photo after the surgery. She told me about Seokjin and...you"
Oh.
"I asked for it though, I just...I just wanted to know the person or people who let me have a second life" Yoongi continued explaining
"But you didnt..." you didn't reach out, Taehyung wanted to say, but it's wrong, he knows, it's wrong to say it that way.
"I know and I'm sorry. I'm just not good with words, I don't know how will I talk to Kim Seokjin's family or more importantly to you. I know how important he is to you"
Taehyung wanted to cry. He didn't expect this. He just wanted to see Min Yoongi, from a far, maybe. He took a deep breathe before speaking "I'm sorry if I just went here I know it's wrong but I just really want to see you. To see the person who has the heart I owned for a long time."
Yoongi shook his head a little. "It's fine, don't worry. Besides..." he took a step closer to Taehyung before smiling, his gummy smile.
"I've been planning to see you for a long time now"
Taehyung didn't know why but after almost a year, it's the first time he felt at peace.
He finally found the heart he's been looking for.