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He pulls him closer, closer and closer, until their bodies have moulded into one, and Yoongi’s hands are racking through the soft locks of hair, and their lips are reluctant to let go of each other, because oh, boy, how long has it been since their worlds had drifted apart? The rustling whisper of the bed sheets and their fumbling hands do all the talking, for words are unnecessary when your brain and heart have joined forces and there is the need in your system. Hoseok cradles his body, afraid to let go, and Yoongi holds on. Yoongi holds on as his lover slowly lays him down, trails whispers of praises across the expanse of his skin on his neck, pulls off the shirt from his back and leaves loving bruises behind. The world outside carries on, but inside the unlit, exquisite bedroom, time has come to a standstill.
“Sweetheart, I missed you, so, so much.”
Their mouths are slotted together; Hoseok’s palms kneading his tense shoulder muscles and Yoongi gripping onto the roots of the other’s hair as moans emanate from their lips and their visions blur with want and lust. Yoongi feels himself slowly falling off the edge, feels his heart beat erratically and irrationally under Hoseok’s fingertips, and he loves the adrenaline rush that courses through his veins. Only Hoseok ever makes him feel this breathless, this unhinged, and he never once regrets their chance meetings; until, of course, sunlight meanders into his room and Hoseok is nowhere in the house next day.
Their fates do not follow a pattern when they collide; they may not have heard from each other in months, yet Hoseok will bump into Yoongi on one of his missions and they would know for certain that they won’t be spending the night alone. But unlike every time, today is different. Yoongi had been waiting outside in the hall of his apartment for the elevator cart to roll up, and when it did so, Jung Hoseok had been leaning against the metal wall, effortlessly stealing Yoongi’s remaining breathe away. Yoongi did not remember anything about meeting up with Namjoon and Seokjin at the posh bar downtown after ages; all he could do was drink in his tousled hair and rumpled shirt with the loose tie, and let Hoseok push him against his door and kiss him like there’s no tomorrow, and Yoongi had known he was a goner for the stunning undercover agent.
“I missed you too, Seok-ah. I missed you.”
Arms tangled around each other and lips trailing scorching warm kisses across jaws, Yoongi watches the moonlight filter through the curtains and slant across their naked bodies. Hoseok’s skin is warm and it reminds him of velvet and chocolate milk and he inhales deeply when the other nuzzles his head into the crook of his neck. Their movements are slow, languid, for neither wants the night to end, for their little ray of bliss to disappear. Breathy whispers echo within the room and Yoongi feels the coil in his gut tightening, his blunt nails marking Hoseok’s back. Fresh bites surface on his pale, milky chest as Hoseok continues to languorously thrust inside him, his chest heaving with each kiss they share. The unlit room starts blurring in his vision as Yoongi slowly edges towards his undoing, his arms tightening around his anchor, and when Hoseok starts chanting his name like a mantra, praises whispered along his collarbone, Yoongi knows he has fallen again. Fallen in love with the most dangerous agent out there, whose name runs a chill down Seoul’s most sought-after criminals’ spines.
“Yoongi, baby,” the kiss is chaste, and Yoongi’s heart swells, “let go for me.”
His cries ring out within the walls, and Hoseok holds him tight, holds him until he rides his high out, kissing him like there’s death waiting outside, and Yoongi does not know why his heart shatters. He cannot pinpoint the reason behind why his eyes tear up when Hoseok comes within him, and he lets the tears flow free when his eyes are kissed and his cheeks held within the loving hands of the person he had never realized he loved more than he ever bargained for. Yoongi pulls Hoseok down for a kiss, and he kisses his bitten, spit-slick lips till Hoseok rides out his orgasm, and kisses him some more until his lungs are fighting for air and his heart just won’t allow him to pull away, because what if Hoseok disappears and never comes back?
When the world comes back to focus, Yoongi looks up at the brown pools, swirling with the dead heat of lust and adoration for him. Hoseok kisses his forehead and slowly pulls out, hissing at the oversensitivity. He gently rolls off Yoongi but does not leave the sanctuary of the bed; instead, he reaches out to the bedside table and retrieves a handful of tissues. Yoongi’s eyes latch onto him as he cleans both of them, his head swimming with the after effect of their lovemaking. It had never been just sex with Hoseok; the latter would always be the loving, attentive partner who would only arrive once in a blue moon to worship Yoongi and leave his heart smattered across the corridor of his massive apartment. Yoongi knows as he lets Hoseok wipe away the trailing seed from his trembling thighs, that he would wait until Yoongi falls asleep on the mussed sheets that would smell, for the next few days, of their ardent love and untold admissions. Then Hoseok would don his clothes scattered on the floor, courtesy to Yoongi, and would slip out of the main door, only to perhaps never come back again. Yoongi’s heart clenches when Hoseok returns by his side and wraps his arms around him, pressing his arched back to his toned chest.
“How have you been, Yoonie?”
A sob almost escapes his lips, but Yoongi bites it back and inhales deeply before replying into the pillow.
“Okay, I guess. Another publishing house came by yesterday.” He rolls around, and now his head is tucked under Hoseok’s chin. Hoseok cards his fingers through his black hair, the fingertips softly massaging his scalp, and Yoongi hums in content.
“You finished writing the new storyline?”
“Hmm, I did.” Their bodies edge closer, trying to envelop each other with their shared warmth, and Yoongi only speaks up when his chin is pressed against Hoseok’s broad chest and his fingers grazing his five o’clock shadow. “Hoshikie, what’s wrong?” He knows their routine; Hoseok would never risk meeting him at his apartment unless—
The loving smile that Hoseok struggles to keep on his face slowly fades away and soon enough Yoongi is cradling a sobbing Hoseok on his lap, trying to fight his own tears while his fingers wipe at the other’s dampened cheeks. They say nothing to each other, and Yoongi knows Hoseok needs to let it all out, let go of the abundance of pain caged within his strong, yet fragile heart, and cry into his shoulder. He wraps the crumbling soul with his warmth, until the shudders and gasps quiet down, until Hoseok stills against him and mutters an apology against his collarbone.
“Do you want to talk about it,” his voice trembles as he cups Hoseok’s cheeks and brings him to look at him, “baby?”
Yoongi has, till date, never felt his heartache this much for anyone, and right now, Hoseok’s tear-streaked face and pained expression makes him want to bawl his eyes out because he loves this man so, so much and he knows he will have to let go sooner than he’d like—
“Yoonie, I can’t do this anymore.”
Yoongi does not question Hoseok. He does not ask what he means, because he already knows. He knows that this, whatever the thing they have, could not continue for long. An undercover agent could not afford to have his heart invested in anyone when doing so would harm both of them. The world Hoseok is a part of does not allow any Yoongi to be there. There are only gunshots and criminals after your own life. There is no Yoongi, because of course if anyone gets a sniff about those you love, you will not only endanger yourself more, but put your loved ones on the line too. Yoongi knows he is still in the shadows, but he also knows he was aware of all this when he had met Hoseok four years ago, one college Saturday. He had not been drunk and his eyes were trained on this particular man for the entire evening because he was the only other sober person in the bar. Namjoon and Seokjin and drifted off towards their interests as soon as the DJ pumped his music through the crowd. Their eyes had been locked on each other and when Hoseok had ambled up to him and offered him a drink, Yoongi had pulled him towards the dance floor, and till date, not once has he regretted his decision.
But Yoongi knew from the very beginning that selling his heart to Hoseok would be a mistake neither could run away from. The cruel world would tear them apart, and he believed it when the gap between their meetings increased from days to weeks to months in the end. But never once did their love falter. Hoseok would make him dream of lazy weekends spent on beaches, his large empty apartment finally filled with their combined laughter and late night baking sessions where the taste of chocolate would be shared by their tongues wrestling for dominance. Maybe these dreams were what drove him to cling onto Hoseok, to allow both their hearts to rip apart every time they met.
A sob finally escapes his lips and then his head is buried in Hoseok’s neck, and Hoseok mutters soothing words while he believes his world to slowly crumble apart because of course you should never let your heart reside within someone else and face these circumstances. Their bodies grow cold as a draft breezes through the window, but they stay where they are. Yoongi wants to scream his love out for this man, to get him to stay, to get him to kiss him not the last time, but he knows it will all be in vain. Hoseok would lull him into sleep and leave to serve his city and brave his heart to keep fighting the underworld, while Yoongi would wake up next morning trying to keep his emotions in check.
“Yoonie, I can’t live like this anymore.”
Oh, of course, he knows. He knows it by heart by now how much it pains when he wakes up in the morning after their union to find the other side of the bed empty and cold.
“Like what, Hoshikie?” Yoongi knows the answer; he knows it too well, even though the words had never been uttered.
“I…” The pause floats heavily in the air, settling in their lungs and making ti difficult to breathe. “I gave up my badge today, Yoonie.”
Yoongi is certain his hearing has gone awry, and he needs an earpiece now. He is certain his lungs do not give up and his heart does not combust. Yoongi is certain, but that is only in his head.
“Yoonie, I love you. So, so much.” Hoseok presses butterfly kisses across his jaw, but Yoongi is still frozen, his heart beating to get out of his chest and his brain trying to understand the words pouring from Hoseok. “I don’t want to leave every time we meet, baby. I can’t do what we are doing.” Their breath comes in ragged spurts and chests cave with hope and love and pain. “Baby, I… I want us to be together. I want to wake up next to you in the morning, and fuck, I know this sounds cliché, but this is what I want, sweetheart. I want to be there next to you when your book gets to become another best-seller and I want to be the one to cook you the celebratory dinner. They say to give it our best in our job so that our loved ones do not suffer more. But Yoonie, how can I even do my job if it is the single, most important reason behind why I can’t love you? I know it’s cowardly to leave, but I can’t take this any longer. Yoonie, I just… I just to be with you.” Hoseok finishes with his forehead pressed against his, and their fingers locked together in silent prayer that all this is true. “I love you, baby. I love you.”
If Yoongi is to describe this moment to his grandchildren fifty years later, he would say the sky had given way to too-bright sunlight and his heart had been beating in his throat and Hoseok had kissed him with a passion he had never encountered before, and everything he would say would be true. He cries when they pull apart, he sobs into Hoseok’s collarbone and when their lips meet, he sighs his love for him into his mouth. The dark, dark cloud of disappointment slowly ebbs away as Hoseok pulls the quilt around their naked bodies and holds him within his arms.
“Min Yoongi, love, would you let me make up for all those nights I had left you?”
“Yes. Oh my fucking god, yes, I would.”
Yoongi whispers countless I love yous and kisses away the tears in the other’s brown eyes. He cups the dampened cheeks and kisses him one more time, and realizes that this is not the last kiss they are sharing. Yoongi buries his head into Hoseok’s neck and kisses every mole he finds and thanks to the lord up above, watching over them for listening to his silent anguish. He does not know where they will be tomorrow, but he is certain he will not wake up to an empty bed and cold sheets when the sun would roll in through his window. Suddenly, after a thousand light years and streams of stardust tears, falling in love with Jung Hoseok does not seem fruitless anymore. Maybe, just maybe his massive apartment would finally ring with their shared mirth and love and adoration and Yoongi would have someone to hold on to when the night would creep in and his demons would not be at bay. Tonight, his head nestled within the crook of the other’s neck, remains devoid of worry and pain as he sleeps and the sleepy, loving smile that adorns Hoseok’s lips when he wakes up next morning, only further confirms the nirvana they may have.
It has been a thousand nights of tears and untold admissions, yes, but Min Yoongi finally finds his peace in the love they share, and he knows Jung Hoseok does not regret even a moment of his decision to let go of all that held them back.