Somniferous

Tony had known this day would eventually come, but he still wasn't prepared for it. He tried to stay positive and tell himself that they had many happy years together, but the truth was it didn't help. The fact remained that they'd laid Gibbs to rest yesterday and there was nothing but cold comfort, now.

His hands played the melody on the piano as he sang softly to himself,
“Without you, I feel broke.
Like I’m half of a whole.
Without you, I’ve got no hand to hold.
Without you, I feel torn.
Like a sail in a storm.
Without you, I’m just a sad song.
I’m just a sad song.”

He knew with time that the pain and sorrow he felt would fade that he would find a way to move on, but right now he couldn’t imagine what he was going to do without Jethro in his life anymore. He’d gotten so used to going downstairs to find Gibbs working on his boat and share a few tidbits of whatever he was thinking with him. Now, everytime he entered the basement and saw the boat Gibbs had been working on for them that would never be finished, he couldn’t stop the pain he felt in his heart.

I’m just a sad song wasn’t the only song he played from the heart, but the others were all similarly sad and melancholy. He thought that sleep would bring relief, but he just kept dreaming about Jethro lying in bed beside him. His heart broke all over again every time he woke up and Gibbs was still gone.

Needless to say he wasn’t coping well. Not that Abby, Jimmy, or Tim were coping any better. They’d all come to depend on Gibbs and would all miss him.

Ducky would have missed him as much as the rest of them if he were still alive, but he’d died a couple of years ago. At least, the team wasn’t actively trying to undermine him this time as they all worked through their grief. He couldn’t say that they’d bonded and were closer together than ever, but they were all plodding along.

Putting one foot in front of the other as Ducky might have said. Of course, none of the others were affected as much as Tony. Even if they had only been the work partners that Vance believed them to be, he’d still be more affected than the rest of the team as it had been just him and Gibbs for many years.

They’d always had each others backs. Of course, the lack of sleep and stress from losing him over and over again in his dreams meant that Tony wished for the bliss of a sleep where he didn’t dream. Not that he would ask Jimmy to give him such a somniferous drug as he was sure it would only postpone the inevitable, but he did miss restful sleep.

He hadn’t slept well since the night Gibbs died. Gibbs had his will completely drawn up and funeral arrangements made, so that all Tony had to do was tell people when and everything else would be done for him. Of course, waking up to find that Gibbs had died, no matter how peacefully, sometime in the night caused Tony no ends of trouble when it came to sleeping in the bed they used to share.

Now, Tony got more sleep on the couch falling asleep in the middle of the day with a movie on than he did in bed at night. He heard the whispers at work and knew people were worried about him, but he couldn’t bring himself to put on his happy cheerful mask. It was too much work to pretend he was happy when there was a gaping hole inside of him where Gibbs used to live.

McGee had actually suggested Jimmy give Tony something that would help him sleep at night, but Jimmy had just shaken his head. Jimmy didn’t think Tony was actually suicidal, but there was an astonishing link between overdose on sleeping meds and people that had just lost their spouse. The team had always kept quiet about Tony and Gibbs’ marriage.

So while no one had told HR or Vance, it had been an open secret of sorts amongst the once MCRT. Of course, Gibbs had retired and McGee had taken a team lead position at Norfolk while Tony led the new MCRT. None of the people under him would dare suggest that he rest.

Only Abby, Jimmy, and occasionally McGee could get Tony to do something he didn’t want to. Still, Tony’s team tried to support him in other ways. They always made sure he had his hot chocolate when he came in in the morning.

Other than that they kept their heads down and put all their energy towards solving cases, leaving their team lead to deal with his personal issues on his own. This was the way Tony preferred it. That didn’t stop Abby from making sad eyes at Tony and giving him lots more hugs than normal, but that was pretty normal for Abby in a situation like this.

Tony knew Vance was taking it easy on the MCRT, right now, as they were mostly working cold cases. Tony knew some cases had come in that normally would have gone to the MCRT, but he had to admit that he didn’t mind the break from those kinds of cases. Tony should probably have taken a few weeks off after Gibbs’ death, but he needed the normalcy of work too, so this was a good compromise as far as he was concerned.

He felt a bit bad for his team, but none of them seemed resentful or upset about it. Jimmy never did give him anything to help him sleep. Tony sometimes wondered if Ducky would have and let him sleep down in autopsy, but he’d never really know.

Slowly, Tony started to process his grief from losing Gibbs. The first night he slept all the way through without waking up expecting Gibbs to be next to him, he almost wanted to celebrate. Of course, the thought of celebrating without Gibbs was like a bucket of cold water being dumped on a fire to douse out the flames.

Eventually, he learned to smile again. He found he could be happy again without Gibbs. He kind of hated himself for it, survivor’s guilt the therapist called it.

He’s just a sad song, indeed. Of course, the sad song only told part of the story. Someday maybe Tony would learn the rest of the story when he stopped hating himself for being alive without Gibbs. He still had a long ways to go to before that would happen, though.