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They say that falling in love is the easiest thing to do. They say love is a mischievous little thing that spins your head and makes you go weak in the knees. It comes unannounced and leaves either with your heart or sanity. They say love is complicated and tumultuous.
For Seungjoon falling in love was nothing like that.
He first met Hyojin at a common friend’s party in the first year of college. By the time he arrived, Hyojin had already had a few drinks, his cheeks pink painted and red lips parted by a happy chuckle. When their eyes met Seungjoon left a soft sign, a smile blooming on his lips as he realized: Ah, he is the one.
The start of the relationship went smoothly, like when you’re completing a puzzle and keep on finding the right pieces on the first try. Everything seemed to be falling into the right place and Seungjoon doesn’t remember every feeling so happy.
Three years into dating, it felt natural to move together. They had a small apartment towards to margin of the city, but it was all theirs, bought with their savings from various part-time jobs they had during university. They both found jobs around the area, Seungjoon as a choreographer at a small studio and Hyojin as a music teacher.
Seungjoon always thought that he was one of these people who just seem to be lucky in life. Don’t get him wrong, it wasn’t perfect, they had their arguments too, their personal challenges, but at the end of the day everything was okay if he could get home to Hyojin’s arms.
Five years into dating and with a more stable career, Seungjoon thought it was about time to propose.
*****************************************************
“Do you remember our first date?” he asks one night, Hyojin cuddled on his side on their rugged couch. They’ve been trying to watch a movie but Seungjoon’s mind keep wandering through the events of the day.
This morning he went out of his way to try to find a suitable ring. He had been searching for over a week now but none of the shops around their neighbourhood seemed to have the right one. He left the home quite excited, a happy hum leaving his lips. The weather was just right, small snowflakes floating around him, and he knew it was going to be a good day.
“Our first date?” Hyojin asks quietly, interrupting his trail of thoughts. Seungjoon smiles at his soft voice, leaning to peck the top of his head with a little hmm.
“Yeah I do. We went to that awful café Changyoon recommended to us.”
“Hey! I love that café!” Seungjoon says indignantly.
“Their coffee tasted like dirt.” And Seungjoon doesn’t need to see his face to know the other is rolling his eyes. He smiles, his eyes start to sting at the corners.
“Yeah but the interior was really pretty.” He defends, one hand coming up to play with Hyojin’s soft hair. It smells like honey and apples. To Seungjoon it smells like home.
“What the hell was pretty about it?” Hyojin lifts his head to face him. Seungjoon lets his hand fall back on the couch, eyes locking with the older’s, the same smile playing on the corner of his lips.
“You.” He whispers, leaning down to place a kiss on the Hyojin’s forehead.
The response is subtle, almost invisible, but Seungjoon knows how to interpret every little change on Hyojin’s expression. His eyes widen a little and his cheeks get a little redder as the older shifts awkwardly to put a little distance between them.
Seungjoon’s heart aches a little more.
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He found the ring today. A simple silver band, with a slim white gold line curving into a half an infinite sign. He bought it on spot.
***************************************************** “Why are you bringing this up, though?” Hyojin asks, voice a little hoarse with embarrassment. Seungjoon smiles some more. He can feel his cheeks burn from the effort but he can’t stop.
“I just suddenly remembered about it today.” He says, leaning more onto the couch and turning his face towards the still playing movie. He has no idea what they are watching. On the screen a beautiful actress sobs quietly while trying to wipe away the tears on her face. Strangely, her heavy makeup remains perfect. Seungjoon thinks it’s a nice representation of how pain doesn’t usually show on the exterior.
“You know…” he begins, eyes still trained on the TV. He kind of wants to cry with the girl. “I knew that day that we going to last...” ‘forever’ “…for a long time.” Yesterday he would have said ‘forever’. But that was yesterday.
“How so?” Hyojin asks, voice a little nostalgic and a little more curious. Seungjoon turns back to face him, his smile blooming again as he meets those beautiful eyes he fell in love with so long ago.
“Your eyes.” He answers softy. “I clearly saw in your eyes how you were falling in love with me.”
Hyojin’s mouth opens a little, like he wants to complain about this, but remains gapping at his lover. Now that he thinks of it, it’s true that Seungjoon never mentioned this before.
“They say eyes are the mirror of the soul, you know?” he goes on. It is crucial for him that Hyojin understands this. It’s the only way that he is going to understand Seungjoon’s future actions. “And I could read yours from the moment I met you.” ‘I thought it you could do it too.’ remains on the tip of his tongue.
Hyojin’s eyes flicker with confusion before setting on something more deep, and there it is. Seungjoon can see it clearly now, the guilt that must have consumed his partner for God knows how long. He sighs and looks away.
*****************************************************
After he left the jeweller's shop he drove to the supermarket to buy the ingredients for dinner. He was planning in asking Hyojin to cook with him a nice dinner. They didn’t spend that much time together in the last weeks as Hyojin had to keep some extra classes.
But tonight he said he will get off on time so dinner together would be nice. Realizing that Hyojin’s hours will end soon he thought it will be a good idea to pick him up.
********************************************************
“It was a nice date.” Hyojin whispers next to him. “I hated the place and the coffee and I cussed Changyoon for at least 20 times…” he laughs softy and Seungjoon melts at the sight. “But you made up for everything else.” They make eye contact again and the guild is still there but sadness is overcoming it. Seungjoon smiles once more, trying to usher his tears away.
“I guess you are right. I was already falling in love with you.” He finishes.
‘When did you fell out of love?’ Seungjoon wants to ask but he doesn’t think he can bear to hear the answer.
“You asked me something on that day.” He says instead, watching the lines on Hyojin forehead gather in concentration. Seungjoon’s hand twitches, instinctually wanting to ease those lines away.
“You asked me what I look for in a friend or lover.” He answers the questions in the other’s eyes. HE still remembers how Hyojin had stuttered when he tried to say lover, a rushed ‘friend’ leaving his lips quickly after, as to correct himself.
Instead of disappearing, Hyojin’s frown grows deeper and somehow guilt becomes mortification.
“I told you I’m not that pretentious.” Seungjoon laughs turning back to the TV. The credits are rolling now, he wonder what ending did the girl have. Selfishly, he hopes it wasn’t too happy.
“I told you I’m ok as long as the other person is sincere and makes me happy.”
***************************************************** He had waited in the parking lot for half an hour when he finally heard Hyojin’s voice approaching. Seungjoon felt his heart tremble in anticipation as he leaned on the school’s back wall. He had looked a little regretfully at his empty hands, for some reason he feels like he should have bought flowers.
“Can’t we at least try?” a stranger voice rings from behind the corner and Seungjoon throws a quick glance out of curiosity.
He can see Hyojin now face to face with another man. He’s slightly taller, with a handsome face and nice body. He seems younger than Seungjoon, but the obvious anguish on his face make him look so much older.
Seungjoon takes a step closer, a smile already booming on his face, when Hyojin’s angry voice stops him.
“No! I already told you we can’t!” it’s just a hushed scream but Seungjoon knows him well enough to hear bot his anger and pain in it. Confused he takes a step back into the shadow of the wall.
The other man lifts a hand and Seungjoon is left watching in shock as he cups Hyojin’s small face with it and lifts it a little towards himself. It’s such an intimate gesture Seungjoon blushes with embarrassment at spying on it. The ring box in his pocket seems to suddenly weight a ton.
“Why not?” the other man ask quietly, Seungjoon wishes he will speak even lower, so that he may never even guess what the man is saying. “You said you don’t love him anymore, so why not?”
He doesn’t want to, he really doesn’t, but his eyes automatically jump to Hyojin’s face when he hears this and he can see it oh so clearly. There are tears in the older’s beautiful orbs, tears and pain, so much pain, but there is something else there, something no one else but Seungjoon can read. Because he saw it before, five years ago when they had their first date. Hyojin is falling in love.
*****************************************************
“Seungjoon…” Hyojin starts, shifting slightly on the couch, trying to get a little closer but ending by putting a few more millimetres between them. To Seungjoon they feel like miles, but they are not enough. He need to put more distance between them or else he might change his mind.
“Thank you.” He says clearly, no room for arguments in his voice. “You made me really happy.”
To Seungjoon falling in love was nothing like they say it should be. He saw it coming from the start and he waited for it like you wait for a refreshing wave during the heat of summer. He embraced fully, enjoying every single moment of it.
However, love left exactly how they all said: with both his heart and sanity, letting him survive on old memories of smiles on red lips and sparkling eyes.