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They say that falling in love is the easiest thing to do. They say love is a mischievous little thing that spins your head and makes you go weak in the knees. It comes unannounced and leaves either with your heart or sanity. They say love is complicated and tumultuous.
So for a while after meeting Seungjoon, Hyojin was confused about his feelings. Was he really in love with the other? But there were no sudden fireworks, no butterflies storming in his stomach. In contrast, the more time he spent near the other, the calmer he felt.
In the end he accepted the thought that maybe love was different for everybody, that there was no way that this was anything but love, not when Seungjoon was so warm, not when he gradually became his home.
But then Song Hangyeom was hired as a substitute teacher at his school and suddenly everything the books described as falling in love seemed to turn into reality.
As days passed and he spent more time with the younger male he slowly became aware of the effect the other had on him. The jittery mess in his stomach could be described as butterflies, and the fireworks could be the reason everything else seemed to become background noise when Hangyeom was around.
It was quite obvious he wasn’t the only one feeling the sudden tension between them, the younger teacher not being subtle at all, but Hyojin decided to play dumb. He had, after all, a lovely boyfriend waiting for him at home.
A few weeks later, during a dinner with the school’s staff, he also informed Hangyeom of the existence of said boyfriend.
Encouraged by the informal environment or by the empty glasses abandoned on the table, Hangyeom got even less shy with his advances. So Hyojin thought it was about time he ended whatever that was, before anyone would get hurt.
However, Hangyeom's first reply was unexpected: “Do you love him?”
Maybe it was the drinks, maybe he was taken by surprise, but Hyojin answer was a quiet “I don’t know anymore.”
It was a mistake, he realized it on the spot, but the younger man took it seriously.
In the next weeks Hangyeom did all he could to get his attention and, even if Hyojin tried his best to ignore it, he couldn’t deny that he was flattered. He took a decision on the night with the dinner, though. Seungjoon was his home, and he won’t betray him like this.
He must have done something wrong though. Maybe he should have straight out rejected Hangyeom, maybe he should have avoided him at all costs.
Because one night Seungjoon started acting strange and Hyojin knew, saw it clearly in the other’s eyes, that he found out.
“You made me really happy.” Seungjoon said that evening, before going to sleep.
Something stirred in Hyojin’s stomach, a mix of fear and shame, but he decided to let it settle till the next day. But the next day Seungjoon was gone.
He vanished so completely from Hyojin’s life that the older thought for a second he must have been a dream, a hallucination. No dream will leave him in such pain though.
When he arrived home from work that day the silence was so overwhelming, he knew something was wrong before he could even look around. It wasn’t until he walked in the bedroom and saw the door to the closet open, and the emptiness inside staring back at him.
He ran around the apartment, calling Seungjoon desperately. There were two suitcases missing from the storage, some shoes from the rack and only one toothbrush waiting for him in the bathroom.
All his calls went directly to the voice mail and he was left to stare aimlessly at the lonely toothbrush.
Two days and still no answer, he finds a small velvet box at the bottom of a drawer. He falls asleep after draining all his tears, with the box held tightly near his heart.
He never opens it.
Three days and Arin, one of the teachers at his school, asks him how’s Seungjoon.
“Saw him a few days ago waiting for you in the parking lot.” She says. “I asked him if he wants me to call you outside, but he said he prefers to wait. He looked so excited, I swear I never saw a more adorable couple than you guys.” Arin giggles and Hyojin doesn’t have the heart to tell her the truth.
Hangyeom finally takes the hint and backs off. Maybe everything would be easier if Hyojin could put all the blame on him, but the truth is that he can't. He never explicitly told the younger man off, and the only time he tried he ended up confusing the other more.
No, the only one to blame is himself.
So he is left with an empty house and empty heart and only his sorrow as company.
The velvet box remains on his nightstand, soon a dusty sight for him to witness every time he wakes up.
There is a short video of Seungjoon on his phone and he plays it so much he can almost hear his laugh resonate from the walls long before his phone’s battery dies. Almost. With each lonely day he gets more and more aware of the fact that he might never hear it in real life again.
It’s a shame, he thinks one night after finishing a cheap bottle of wine, Seungjoon’s laugh is one of the loveliest sounds he has ever heard.
A week passes and then another and he comes to the point his eyes stop pouring by themselves. The house is still empty, and the pain is as fresh as on the first day, but the tears stop coming.
He goes to work and tries to seem as normal as possible in front of the kids and the other teachers.
He goes back to the flat and lies in bed, staring at the velvet box until he falls asleep. He wakes up and repeats everything again.
He tries to eat regularly but the food doesn’t taste like anything. He tries to drink, but after getting drunk one time and realizing there is no one to take care of him anymore he gives that up too.
People start giving him weird looks at work, but he doesn’t really care anymore.
His house is empty, his heart is empty and his life seems to reflect it.
There is one voice mail left on his phone one day, somehow around a month later, and he stops breathing, heart in his throat as his finger hovering over the phone.
It takes him 10 full minutes to gather the courage to press play and Changyoon’s voice breaks his heart one more time. It surprises him that the shard left in his chest still has the power to hurt him so.
Changyoon invites him out, something about a gathering since their group of friends didn’t meet up in months. He doesn’t really pay attention to what the other is saying until a name makes its way through the constant buzzing in his ears.
“Seungjoon told me to invite you myself. Is everything alright with you two?”
Seungjoon. Changyoon spoke with Seungjoon. He invited him first and he told Changyoon to invite Hyojin.
He almost drops the phone while he fumbles with it to press replay.
Changyoon starts by asking him how he’s doing these days and why he’s been this quiet lately. He proceeds with the invitation: “Tomorrow, around 7 at ours. Minkyun said he’s gonna make pasta, but we all know we are gonna order something.
I know it is kind of on a short notice but our schedules finally seem to fit with the others. Minseok and Yuto said they’ll be here and I asked them to drag Jaeyoung too. Seungjoon told me to invite you myself. Is everything alright with you two? He seemed a little strange on the phone. Anyways, let me know if you can make it. It’ll be great for all of us to get together after so long. We really miss you.”
All of us. He said all of us. That means that Seungjoon will also be there?
He wants to stop himself from raising his hopes, maybe slap himself silly. But his hopes are already up in the ceiling and somehow for the first time in a month the air he breathes in reaches his lungs.
He almost turns around at least 5 times on his way to Changyoon’s and Minkyun’s. There is something akin to a heated iron nestled in his chest, making it almost impossible for him to breathe or think properly.
It’s excitement and pure terror, one making him walk further and one stopping him every 10 meters.
Seungjoon could be there, at the end of this road. The shard left in his heart's place trembles with joy, but the hot iron in his chest burns him with anxiety.
He trips right in front of Changyoon’s and Minkyun’s door, out of breath from almost running four flights of stairs. He feared that he will turn around and go back home if he didn’t get inside as soon as possible.
He racks his fist on the door right as he stumbles in front of it and waits for someone to answer with his heart beating frantically in his throat. Cold sweat leaves goose bumps on the back of his neck and down his spine and his face must be so red from the running, but the only thing he cares is who is behind this door.
He thought about what he is going to do and say even since he got Changyoon’s message yesterday and he swears at some point he had a plan. But as the door opens to reveal a very familiar face he forgets everything. His brain goes completely blank, he even forgets how to drag in oxygen, mouth gaping at loss of air or words.
Seungjoon is simply beautiful. He lost some weight since Hyojin saw him last time, his face thinner, the skin under his eyes dark. It only makes his eyes seem bigger, those beautiful dark eyes who used to watch
Hyojin filled with so much love. They seem almost opaque now, no emotion reflected in them. It scares Hyojin but he can’t look away. Not when Seungjoon himself has his eyes fixed on him, not when a small frown starts to settle on the other’s forehead, the corners of his mouth dragged down with it.
“What are you guys doing?” a voice from behind Seungjoon asks and the trance is broken. Hyojin jumps a little in surprise and he sees Seungjoon’s lips twitch too, probably suppressing his habit of scolding
Changyoon for being annoying. He says nothing, though, his eyes finally leaving Hyojin to settle on the other man.
“I was just letting… h-him in.” he mumbles, as he passes Changyoon to get back inside. The awkward stumble over what should have been Hyojin’s name doesn’t go unnoticed by either men, Hyojin’s heart dropping as Changyoon rolls his eyes, a small ‘idiot’ leaving his lips.
“Are you gonna stay there all night?” he asks, opening the door wider for the other to finally step in.
Hyojin works his shoes off as he waits for Changyoon to say something. A comment on the awkward silence or why they arrive separately, but nothing comes. The other only hands him a pair of slippers and guides him towards the living.
This either means that the questions will come later or that everyone already knows enough to not ask any questions. Hyojin doesn’t which option scares him more, but as he steps in the room the others are waiting it is obvious someone informed them.
Yuto and Minseok are cuddled on the couch, the youngest one being the first to make eye contact with Hyojin. His round eyes become glassy in a second and he turns to bury his face in Yuto’s collarbones.
The japanese boy seems to hide his emotions better as he offers Hyojin a half of a smile, on hand raising to pet his boyfriend’s hair. Hyojin feels a jab in his guts and he looks away. The image is still way too familiar, the pain of seeing what he once also had still raw.
“Hyung!” a deep voice greets him and he turns around in time to be engulfed in a warm hug. He buries his face in Jaeyoung’s broad chest as the younger gently rubs the tension away from his shoulders. Hyojin wonders if he could hide like for the rest of the evening, but Jaeyoung is already pulling away. He squeezes Hyojin’s arm one last time, sending him an encouraging smile as he turns him towards the others.
He notices Minkyun in the kitchen’s door giving him a small wave and a smaller smile and that’s enough for Hyojin to realize how fucked up the situation is. The room is quiet, uncomfortable so.
Hyojin doesn’t remember ever being in such a quiet room with the others. Not even when Minkyun’s old cat died. Even then there were loud cries and stupid jokes. He can hear his ragged exhale as the panic starts to creep on his skin.
“Your pasta is burning!” Changyoon’s voice screams from the kitchen and Minkyun turns around with a loud “Shit!”
Changyoon soon comes out from the kitchen, a deep frown between his brows.
“We’re ordering pizza.” He announces, his voice extra loud in the dead silence. He ignores them completely as he moves to turn on the TV, a quiet, generic music filling the room.
“What’s with you guys?” he mumbles as he throws himself on the couch, next to the youngers. “Minseok stop that, nobody died.” He whispers, probably hoping Hyojin won’t hear him, but the room is still too quiet, even with the TV on. Yuto shoots a positively murdering glare to Changyoon as Minseok buries his face deeper into his shoulder.
The door to the kitchen door opens again and Minkyun takes a few hesitant steps in the living, his lips gathered in a guilty look.
“Sorry guys. The pasta kind of caught fire.” He sighs deeply, one hand coming to cover his face.
“It’s fine babe. I ordered pizza already.” Changyoon tries to pacify him, beckoning him over to the couch. Minkyun only sighs again, but drags his feet towards his lover, letting himself fall onto his lap, almost squishing the smaller man.
“Hyung.” Minkyun turns to Hyojin, who’s still in the middle of the room. “You are wanted in the kitchen.” He continues making everyone in the room snap their head towards him. Even Minseok raises his head to stare with red eyes at him.
“Oh.” Is the first thing Hyojin says since he arrived. His tongue feels like sandpaper, both from emotions and from lack of use so he coughs a little to warm his voice up. “Thanks.” He mumbles, barely audible as he turns to stare at the kitchen door.
It takes him a few moments and a little push from Jaeyoung to realize he didn’t move yet. “Go, hyung.” He whispers lowly behind him. Hyojin tries to look confident as he steps towards the door but he can sense the terror spreading in waves around him. At least he will be spared from this awkwardness.
The kitchen smells of burnt food in spite of the open window. Hyojin makes sure to properly close the door behind him even if he is sure the other five will do their best to eavesdrop.
Seungjoon is leaning on one of the cupboards, eyes focused on the floor, his forehead in a deep frown. He doesn’t raise his head or gives any other sign that he is aware of Hyojin’s presence in the room and the older stays put, back against the door, ready to bolt if necessary.
He knows he shouldn’t be such a coward. He came here with a goal in mind and he’s not gonna reach it if he keeps acting like a scared cat. He opens his mouth, but nothing comes out expect a shaking breath.
In the end Seungjoon is the one who breaks the silence:
“You’ve lost weight.” It’s the first thing he says, eyes still on the floor. Hyojin doesn’t really know how to answer that so he settles for a quiet “You too.”
The smile that stretches on Seungjoon’s lips is more of a grimace, it makes Hyojin want to rush over and wipe it off, bring back the bright smile Seungjoon always brightened his day with.
The silence that follows is almost as unbearable as the excuse of a smile on the younger’s face.
Eventually, it stresses Hyojin to the point his mouth blurts out the first thing in his mind.
“I missed you.” He whispers at the same time Seungjoon asks “Is he treating you right?” They both raise their heads in surprise, twin confusion in their eyes.
“Who?” asks Hyojin after a few seconds. There’s a glimmer of emotion in Seungjoon’s eyes now and it takes no time to Hyojin to recognize anguish. He saw it in his own eyes every morning in the mirror for the last 4 weeks.
“The guy you are seeing.” Comes the more confusing reply.
“I’m not seeing anyone.” He mumbles. Seungjoon’s frown deepens and Hyojin feels courageous enough to take a step away from the door.
“Seungjoon.” The name feels like home on his tongue, like speaking your mother language for the first time in years. “Seungjoon...” he repeats again, tasting the name properly, letting it swirl around his tongue and warm up his throat.
“Do you really think that I would ever betray you like that?” his words are portraying all the pain that resided inside him since his lover left. “After all these years?” he asks as he watches Seungjoon’s feelings reveal themselves on his face as well. He takes a step closer to him.
“But… I heard you…” Seungjoon whispers back in confusion. The pain in his eyes is now so raw it physically burns Hyojin. “In the parking lot… I saw you.”
Hyojin takes a step closer. “Seungjoon… love…” he begs extending a trembling hand toward the other, gently like he would coax a scared animal. “Would you give me a chance to explain? I cannot let us go like this without even trying. Please?”
The emotions on Seungjoon’s face crash as he stares at the extended hand.
“Please.” Hyojin insists, letting all his desperation be heard in that single word. Seungjoon’s eyes move from his hand to his face and rest there for a few moments, the waves of confusion crashing in his orbs. In the end he nods, even if he does not reach for the hand, preferring to cross his arms around his chest. It’s a defensive move, but how could Hyojin blame him.
They stay like that, face to face in the middle of their friends’ kitchen as Hyojin explains as well as he can what exactly happened. He tries to be as sincere as possible, even if he knows it might hurt the other.
As he talks, he carefully watches the other, but Seungjoon’s face is once again stone cold, leaving the older no clue on his feelings.
“So…” Seungjoon finally speaks a few minutes after Hyojin stops. He coughs once to smooth the knot in his throat. “…nothing happened?
“Nothing.” Hyojin stresses.
“But still… you told him you don’t know if you still... love... me” the words come out with long stretches in between, like they are forcefully dragged out.
“I know.” Hyojin murmurs and really he doesn’t believe he will ever get over the regret of that statement. His eyes meet the floor as he cannot hold the eye contact any longer. “And I was so wrong, you have no idea.” He continues to whisper, afraid that his voice would crack if he dared to speak louder.
“I was just so confused at that time. I won’t lie, I enjoyed the attention. No one gave me that kind of attention except you since we met. It was new and intriguing and that evening I just was just confused. I was wrong, I knew it the moment the words left my mouth and I don’t think I will ever regret something so much.”
He tries to convey all his feelings, all his sincerity into his next words: “But you have to know that I love you, Seungjoon.” He said with a little more strength, fighting to raise his eyes. He needs the other to understand this.
“No matter how things will turn out, you have to know that I love you, more than ever, and I will never - and I really mean it - hurt you like this again.” He ends.
And then he waits, barely breathing, for Seungjoon to say something. It is terrifying, knowing that whatever the other will say next will seal his fate for the rest of his life. He chews on his lip as Seungjoon’s frowns even deeper, the bitter taste of blood filling his mouth but unable to stop.
For what is worth, he had tried. He came here tonight in spite of all his body begging him to turn around. He somehow succeeded in confronting both his friends and now Seungjoon. He will at least not live the rest of his days with one more regret.
Seungjoon lets out a long sigh and the puff of air settles between them, stirring the silence in the kitchen. Hyojin’s own breath gets stuck in his throat as he watches the other part his lips to speak.
He hesitates for a moment too long and Hyojin wants to cry, to scream over him, to turn around and run, anything but this. But he says put, awaiting his verdict, knowing he will have to fully respect whatever decision Seungjoon makes. He owns it to him.
“I cannot trust you anymore.” The younger breathes out and Hyojin’s heart shatters with a loud beat. “You should know that I put all my trust in you from the moment I first saw you. I’ve gradually put my everything in you along the years. And a month ago I lost it all. You have to understand me.” Seungjoon continues.
“I do.” Hyojin dares speak, voice barely a whisper. “I lost my everything a month ago too.”
Seungjoon’s face twists, like after receiving a sharp blow, but he nods once acknowledging it.
“I’m sorry.” He says softly. “At that moment it seemed like the best decision. I didn’t want to be in the way of your happiness.”
And Hyojin can see it, Seungjoon would be the only one idiot enough to put Hyojin above everything else. A hot tear gathers in the corner of his eyes.
“You’re an idiot.” He replies, taking a deep breath, blinking twice to stop the tears. Seungjoon lets out a wet chuckle, and Hyojin can see his eyes shining too.
“I know that much.” He takes a moment to breath, the air between them crackling under the tension.
“Right now, I cannot trust you.” Seungjoon eventually starts again. “But, if there is one thing that I learned from all this is that I cannot properly function without you.”
Their eyes meet and for the first time in a month Hyojin feels like he can finally breathe again, like he just got his head out of water and oxygen reaches his lungs again.
“If you are willing, I would like to learn how to trust you again.” The other finishes and Hyojin lets out a choked laugh, all relief and incredulity. He wants to jump and scream and dance and sing, but all he can do is let out another short laugh, twisted into a sob as his tears break free.
There are arms around him in the next second and a sweet voice asking him who’s the idiot now, but all he can do is laugh as he cries, his hands fisting Seungjoon’s shirt as he hides his face in his neck, breathing in the scent of home.