Work Text:
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It was as if the skies remembered how much Daniel had cried the moment he had left Park Jihoon’s side, because it was raining again in the middle of winter.
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The times when we were beautiful
Those moments that were so happy
Those moments I unknowingly grew scared of
Because they were so fluttering
- KDN, Beautiful Pt. 2
I’m drawing out the familiar times with my hands
Crying in the same place like a broken clock
- KDN, Beautiful Pt. 1
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October 2019
His hands were cold. Daniel holds them in his own, bringing them to his lips so that he could transfer some warmth into them. His fingers brush against the silver band on Jihoon’s ring finger, and where it once ignites the flames in his heart, today, it was cold, too.
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November 2018
[23:05] Daniel: meet you at our usual spot once you’ve showered :)
Jihoon had appeared sometime close to midnight, wearing one of Daniel’s hoodies, his hair damp, and his face glowing in the moonlight. And Daniel had pulled him close until there was nothing between them except for the sighs between kisses, arms holding each other tightly, and the exchanging of sweet nothings.
It was a typical night for them, where after all that glam and glitter, the lights flashing in their faces, and the screams that echoed in their ears, the two of them will meet under the stars to recharge. Which was why when Daniel breaks the kiss first, Jihoon wasn’t expecting him to take a piece of paper out of his pocket and then immediately going down on one knee. He didn’t even have a chance to blink.
“Park Jihoon,” Daniel whispers into the night. Jihoon could hear his voice shake with nervousness and excitement. “For some people, maybe two years is too short a period of time to be in love, but I think that I have learnt to love and be loved so much in these two years that if I could turn back time and relive everything again, I’d choose to have gone to the very moments where I knew you: when we first met – because that was the moment I was entranced by you, like no words can describe, not even the words I’m saying right now – when I get to wake up with you beside me, when I go to sleep with you in my arms, right now, and rest of our future together.”
“Park Jihoon, I’m already the happiest a man can be with you by my side, but if you’ll have me-”
Jihoon puts his hands on Daniel’s shoulders and worriedly says, “oh my god, are you really going to ask me to marry you? Now? I-”
Daniel’s eyes widen as he splutters, “no, no, I mean if you- if you want me to- I’m cool with that, too. It’s- this is a promise ring? I- I haven’t finished my speech yet.”
“Oh,” Jihoon says. He was thankful that it was dark because his face was burning. “You may continue, then. Sorry.”
Daniel fumbles with the piece of paper, still flustered at Jihoon’s question.
“And- and of course you’re the most beautiful person I’ve laid my eyes on, besides my mom-” to which Jihoon lets out a small laugh, “-but you’re also kind, smart, and patient. Special.”
“If you’ll have me, I vow to fiercely love you in all your forms, now and forever. To always know in the deepest part of my soul that no matter what challenges might carry us apart,” he looks from the paper and into Jihoon’s eyes which were tearing up, “we will always find our way back to each other.”
There was a pause as Jihoon just looks at Daniel, his smile as radiant as the moon that was above their heads right now. He laughs.
“That’s definitely a wedding vow, you idiot.”
They had dissolved into a fit of giggles then, with Daniel confessing that he had plagiarised half the speech from a movie, and Jihoon had shyly covered his face with one hand while Daniel slips the ring onto the index finger of his other hand.
“No matter what happens,” Jihoon murmurs into the nape of Daniel’s neck when he had held him close again.
“No matter what happens.”
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October 2019
Jihoon feels someone holding his hands, enveloping them in warmth, softly rubbing the back of his hand in circles. He wants to open his eyes, but it was as if his mind was a separate entity from his own body.
Is this a dream?
“Hey, it’s me again,” he hears someone whisper.
Who...?
“It’s been a week but I-” the voice breaks then, and Jihoon could feel dampness seep onto his hands.
A week?
“-I’m still here. I’m always right here.”
And Jihoon wants to tell them that he’s there, too. He wants them to know that he’s awake, but his eyes won’t open, and his tongue won’t speak.
“I love you.”
What’s going on?
“I love you, Park Jihoon.”
Who are you?
“I’m not going anywhere so whenever you’re ready-” another sob, and Jihoon feels his heart ache.
Hey, it’s going to be okay. I’m okay.
“So, whenever you’re ready, come back to me.”
I’m ready.
The hand pulls away then, and Jihoon wants to reach out. His hands were cold once again and he misses the warmth. Like a memory he couldn’t quite reach, and one his subconscious must remember, he longs to hold those hands once more.
Please don’t let me go.
Jihoon wills his fingers to move, so that he could somehow say “I’m still here”.
Move.
I need you to move, fingers.
Please.
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Daniel had retracted his hands to wipe away the tears that were starting to make a mess on the bed duvet when he notices a small twitch in Jihoon’s fingers. He blinks, contemplating whether it was his imagination.
Twitch.
Definitely not his imagination.
He sucks in a breath, his heart pounding in his ears, but his lungs couldn’t fill itself with oxygen. Instead, panic settles in, mingling with a sense of relief, and he doesn’t know what to do. The machine starts beeping faster, and then a flurry of movement erupts around him as nurses enter the room, asking Daniel to please stand back.
A doctor enters the room not long after, and he presses a stethoscope to Jihoon’s chest. He mumbles a few words that Daniel couldn’t understand to the nurse, and Daniel watches as Jihoon struggles to sit up. The nurse holds him down, insisting that she could bring the bed to a sitting position if he would just relax.
He sees them speak to each other using terms he doesn’t understand, and as Jihoon’s eyes start to flutter open, the nurse whispers into Jihoon’s ear, slowly coaxing the man to wake up, assuring him that everything is okay, and Daniel doesn’t know what to do, he couldn’t think. All he knows is that Jihoon – his Jihoon is awake.
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It’s too bright, Jihoon thinks regretfully. It’s suddenly too bright and too noisy.
His blinks his eyes once, twice, thrice, but it wasn’t until a couple of minutes until his vision clears. He sees people surrounding him, and he’s scared and confused.
Where am I? Who are you?
The voice earlier- was it a dream?
“Sir, please relax.”
His mind was whirring crazily as he tries to make sense of everything. In the midst of chaos, he looks around, finding something- anything that could help him understand, and his eyes land on a pair of deep brown eyes staring back at him.
Those eyes which were fixated on him so strongly, so intensely, that he wants to look away, but for some reason he couldn’t. Those eyes weren’t familiar to him, and yet his heart feels at ease the longer he gazes into the stranger’s eyes.
For some reason, it feels like home.
Have we met before?
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Produce 101: Kang Daniel
The moment his eyes fell upon the boy who he would later come to know as Park Jihoon, Daniel had felt like something in the universe had clicked. Like puzzle piece. It was nothing eloquent like love at first sight, angels singing, a ray of light shining upon the boy, et cetera. In fact, if he had to describe the encounter in words, it would probably be something along the lines of: he’s just so bloody cute Daniel wants to squish.
So when the staff had called for a lunch break, Daniel finds himself gravitating towards the boy who was sitting alone, presumably waiting for the rest of his company’s trainees to come back. He had planned to be all casual and compliment him on his dancing, which Daniel had to admit as a fellow dancer, was pretty good.
“Yo,” was what first came out of his mouth.
Yo? Yo?
The boy just raises his eyebrows before replying with a “hi”.
Because that’s how people normally greet, obviously.
The boy glanced at his name tag and then back at him, and Daniel realised that he hasn’t introduced himself.
“Right,” he laughs. “I was going to introduce myself, but I guess that’s what name tags are for, huh?”
The boy just stares back at him. Maybe his hair really was too pink. He should’ve heeded Jisung’s advice and dyed it back to brown.
“You were the one who did popping, right?”
The boy’s eyes light up, as if he was surprised Daniel remembered him out of the vast number of trainees who were also up on stage.
“I- I think you were really cool.”
There was a slight pause, and then the boy smiles widely at the compliment. His eyes were still sparkling, and Daniel wonders if it was just the lighting.
“You haven’t gone on yet, have you?” the boy asks.
Daniel shakes his head. Admittedly, he was nervous, but he was hoping it doesn’t show. He wonders if the boy knows that, too.
“I’m sure you’ll be fine,” the boy assures him. “You wouldn’t be here if you hadn’t practiced till your feet bled and your hands calloused.”
And, okay, Daniel wasn’t expecting something so blunt to come out of such a cute person, but he has a very valid point. He raises his fists up as if to say, “fighting!” and the boy just smiles at him.
They were called back on set, so Daniel shoots him a mock salute before he joins the rest.
“See ya,” he calls out. He wasn’t planning on a goodbye just yet.
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October 2019
The moment Jihoon’s eyes land on his own, his heart skips a beat. He approaches the bed cautiously, not wanting to overwhelm the younger boy, and the doctor nods at him, telling him that his vitals are stable, et cetera, but Daniel couldn’t hear because Jihoon was looking at him.
Those sparkling brown eyes were staring at him curiously, and Daniel feels a huge burden come off his chest. The doctor pats Daniel’s back as he leaves the room with the nurse, telling him to please call us if he shows any negative symptoms.
Daniel sends Jihoon’s manager a quick text before turning back to the boy on the bed.
“Jihoon?” he asks tentatively. “Hey, how do you feel?”
“My throat hurts,” the younger boy croaks in response. “Can I have some water?”
Daniel rushes over to his bedside and uncaps a bottle of water. “Take your time, okay? You’ve been in a coma for a week, so you should rest your throat for a while.”
“Wha- what happened?” Jihoon asks when he’s chugged down half the bottle. “Why am I in the hospital?”
“You’ve been in an accident. You had a couple of broken ribs but they’re already starting to heal so you should be able to come home in a couple of days.”
Home?
Jihoon sits quietly, his eyes darting in confusion as he tries to recall what had happened. He looks at Daniel again.
“Who are you?”
Those three words which came out of Jihoon’s mouth wasn’t intended to be rude, or mean, but it pierces right through Daniel’s heart. He opens his mouth, but nothing comes out. If it was a joke, Daniel could’ve picked up on it, because he’s been a victim of his pranks more often than not. But Jihoon was looking at him expectantly, his wide, innocent eyes boring into his own, and Daniel realises that there wasn’t a hint of recognition in the eyes he’s currently looking into now. And in that moment, it hits him. That the Park Jihoon in front of him wasn’t the Park Jihoon who knows Kang Daniel.
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Produce 101: Park Jihoon
“Yo.”
Jihoon turns around where a boy with pink hair stands behind him. He was wearing earrings, a half-ripped denim vest which shows off his forearm, and his entire get-up was frankly a huge contrast to Jihoon’s own white baggy get-up. It wasn’t a lie to say that Jihoon wasn’t the least bit intimidated, if not sceptical, as to why this Kang Daniel person had approached him on the first day of shooting.
“Hi,” he says back. He glances at the name tag on the boy’s shirt.
Kang Daniel.
Daniel must’ve noticed Jihoon’s questioning gaze because he says, “right, I was going to introduce myself, but I guess that’s what name tags are for, huh?”
An awkward laugh.
“You’re the boy who did popping, right?”
Jihoon nods.
“I- I think you were really cool.”
There was a slight pause until Jihoon cracks a small smile before saying, “thanks.”
“You haven’t gone on yet, have you?”
Daniel shakes his head and lets out a sound that was somewhere in between a sigh and a yell of fighting spirit. A mood.
“I’m sure you’ll be fine,” Jihoon assures him. “You wouldn’t be here if you hadn’t practiced till your feet bled and your hands calloused.”
Jihoon bites his tongue then, because he had barely met this person, a person who had just complimented him, and his blunt words had decided to escape his lips. He was expecting a recoil or a “I’m just going to leave you alone, now” but Daniel just pastes on a smile, thanks him, and raises his fists up.
The crew calls them back on set then, and Daniel shoots Jihoon a salute as he walks away, and Jihoon had swallowed a laugh at how cringy it was. It doesn’t fit whatever concept he was going for, and Jihoon wonders what kind of person he really was like.
Kang Daniel, huh?
He thinks he’ll remember that name.
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October 2019
Jihoon hadn’t understood why the doctor was called back in when he had simply asked for the stranger’s identity. He just wanted to know who he was, because, well, besides his puffy red eyes, there was just something about the stranger. He had silvery grey hair which was sticking out a bit, as if he had been running his fingers through them all day, and his shoulders were unnecessarily broad. He was wearing a pink hoodie and black pants, and his deep voice was warm and somehow familiar, as if he had heard it in a dream.
And he was the only person there who wasn’t wearing a uniform.
Is he his manager...?
“Hello again,” the doctor had smiled at him. He lets himself tear his gaze away from the stranger.
“My name is Lee Minhyuk and I’ve been attending to you as your doctor for the past week. Now, you’ve been in an accident, and you’ve been in a coma, but you don’t have any broken bones and your vitals are healthy, so there’s no need to worry about it.”
Jihoon just nods.
“I’m going to have to ask a few questions, is that okay?”
“Okay.”
“Full name?”
“Park Jihoon.”
“Place of birth?”
“Masan.”
“Date of birth?”
“May 29th.”
“The capital of Korea?”
“Seoul.”
“Our current president?”
“Park Geun-hye.”
“Hmm,” the doctor hums again, writing down his response. That doesn’t sound like good news, Jihoon thinks.
“Actually, we elected President Moon Jae-In years ago.”
What?
“It appears that you may have temporary amnesia due to the accident. You might not have memories of the past couple of years, but the rest of your memory should be untouched.”
Jihoon sits quietly, not sure what to do with this information. He doesn’t hear the door click shut as Daniel leaves the room. A couple of years? He racks his brain to remember something- anything recent but all he remembers was living with his parents, and he was a trainee, he was on his way to become an idol.
“Is that- is that normal?”
The doctor taps his pen against his clipboard. “Usually when the brain’s healing itself from the swelling caused by an accident, confusion, temporary amnesia, even hallucinations can occur. It’s a highly complex system, after all. But don’t worry, we should expect your memories to return once the swelling has fully subsided.”
A man in a suit comes in shortly, his breath ragged as he enters the room. He approaches the doctor who explains everything again, and Jihoon doesn’t understand, doesn’t know what the hell was going on, doesn’t know who these people are. He feels his eyelids grow heavy, and he falls into a deep sleep, where he dreams of standing onstage with people he doesn’t recognise.
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[23:05] Daniel: hyung
[23:05] Daniel: can you come to the hospital?
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“So, let me get this straight,” Jisung starts. He pinches the bridge of his nose and releases a long sigh. “Jihoon can’t remember anything?”
“He just doesn’t remember anything from when he started being on Produce 101,” Seongwoo corrects him.
“He doesn’t remember us?”
Daniel shakes his head sadly. “He doesn’t remember me, at least.”
A heavy silence fills the air. Daniel suddenly thinks about the younger ones, thinks about how they’re going to deal with all of this.
“Do the other members know about all this?” he asks.
“Not yet, but I think we should tell them soon before the media does. Maroo Ent. is trying their best to keep all of these under wraps for now.”
“I can’t tell them, hyung,” Daniel whispers, his voice cracking as he chokes back a sob. “I don’t know how.”
“We’ll figure this out together. Like we always have.”
He simply nods in response, his mind numb.
Seongwoo puts an arm around Daniel, squeezing his shoulder lightly. “Hey, the doctor said it’s temporary, right? He’ll get his memories back in no time.”
And Daniel wants to believe that. He does. So he lets himself be coddled and coaxed until he forgets the empty gaze that came from those eyes. Those eyes which used to look at him as if he was his whole world, but now Daniel was just a speck of dust in the galaxy that were contained in Jihoon’s eyes.
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“Are you ready to go?” Daniel asks Jihoon who was nervously pacing back and forth.
Not really, Jihoon wants to say.
His manager had given him a quick rundown – that he used to be a part of Wanna One, a project group that was formed through a reality show, but now he’s a solo artist who’s taking acting classes. It was a lot of information to take in, and Jihoon just wants to go home.
Oh, and apparently home meant an apartment with someone called Jisung and the stranger (Daniel, he corrects himself) who had barely spoken a word to him since he’d asked about his identity. He had asked if he could go back home to his family, but the doctor had advised for him to try integrating back to his normal routine so that he can try to regain his memories.
“Give me a second,” he tells Daniel, and he opens the cupboard beside his bed for the tenth time to make sure he’s got everything in his bag (which wasn’t a lot to begin with).
Frankly, he was a bit nervous about moving in to a house with people he doesn’t know, and he has so many questions- why was he living with Daniel? Why was Daniel the only one at the hospital that day he woke up?
He sneaks a glance at the older boy who had gone back to staring out the window and decides that the questions can wait another day.
“Let’s go home.”
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March 2019
“Why don’t you two just get an apartment on your own,” Jisung had grumbled when he catches them making out on the couch.
“And leave you alone? We aren’t that cruel, hyung.”
“Anything’s better than seeing you two go at it every night-”
“We’re not going at it,” Daniel affronts, covering Jihoon’s ears as if Jisung had said something dirty.
“Should we ‘go at it’ now that Jisung hyung brought it up?” Jihoon giggles as he pulls Daniel in for another kiss.
To which Daniel had gasped and said, “you shouldn’t be saying things like that! Jisung hyung, what did you do to my sweet, innocent Jihoon?”
“You and I both know he’s not that innocent,” Jisung deadpans. “Anyway, I’m heading to bed. Don’t sleep too late, Jihoon, you have an early schedule tomorrow.”
“Yes, manager-nim.”
Jisung grumbles something about young people nowadays and their testosterones before entering his room, and the two of them had broken into a fit of giggles. Daniel had brushed aside Jihoon’s fringe so that he could look into his pretty eyes before asking, “should we get our own apartment?”
Jihoon plants a soft kiss on his nose and smiles.
“I’d love that, but I also know that Jisung-hyung is like family to you and I’ll never do anything to separate you two. Besides,” Jihoon giggles, his eyes sparkling mischievously. “I think I’ve grown fond of this couch.”
“You’re horrible!” Daniel groans, red creeping up his neck and cheeks, and Jihoon had laughed until he couldn’t breathe. Daniel thinks he never wants to forget such a beautiful sound.
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October 2019
Daniel tells him to put his stuff in his bedroom, where Jisung had already helped to change the sheets and everything. He enters the house, which wasn’t familiar in the least, but it had a homely feel that Jihoon couldn’t begin to explain. The living room was spacious, with game consoles littered on the floor in front of a huge television.
A leather couch sits in the middle of the room, and Jihoon likes how it looks slightly more worn-out compared to everything else in the house, as if it had held great memories. He notices three doors, one of which was closed, and he enters the room opposite it where Daniel had told him was his room. He puts his bags on the bed, scanning the room, nodding at the décor.
“I’ll leave you to settle down,” Daniel says quietly. “Jisung-hyung will be home soon, but feel free to knock on my door if you need any help.”
He walks away then, and Jihoon could hear the soft click of a closed door. He sighs. So much for a housemate bonding session. But then again, Daniel looks like he hadn’t slept in a week. He doesn’t blame the other boy. At least he had driven Jihoon home. He turns back to his bag and was halfway through unpacking his things when he hears a knock on the door.
“Hi.” A man who Jihoon assumes to be Jisung was standing in the doorway, a cautious smile on his lips.
“Hi,” Jihoon smiles back. “Jisung-hyung?”
His face seems surprised at that, but it was quickly replaced by an embarrassed laugh. “Right, Daniel probably told you about me.”
“He did,” Jihoon admits. “You know, since I can’t remember anything.”
Jisung offers a reassuring smile at that. “That’s okay. Your memories will return soon, I’m sure.”
The younger boy just nods, and the both of them just stood there, the silence pregnant with questions hanging between them. Jisung was the first one to say something.
“Well, I leave you to unpack your things, then. If you haven’t had dinner I ordered takeaway. You can have some if you want.”
“Thank you, hyung, I will.”
Jisung moves to leave, but he turns around when he reaches the doorway, an unreadable expression on his face as he says, “it’s great to have you back.”
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February 2019
“I bought us half and half,” Daniel tells Jihoon who was already starting to get restless in his seat. He chuckles. “It’ll be ready in ten minutes.”
Jihoon pouts at that. “I’m so hungry.”
“I know, love, but chicken needs time to be fried.”
The word slips out of his mouth so comfortably that Jihoon doesn’t bat an eye but instead leans forward so that his legs were tangled with Daniel’s. He was glad he was wearing a mask because the way his face heats up it would’ve been obvious that he was blushing. God, they were nearing two years since they met, and a year since they started dating, but he still goes red whenever Jihoon initiates skinship.
It’s fine if he was the one who initiates it, but Jihoon doesn’t just do it with anyone. It still surprises him when the younger boy was the one who laces their fingers together, or when he presses a chaste kiss on Daniel’s cheek, or when he snuggles up to Daniel when they’re watching a movie.
It still gives him butterflies.
So when Jihoon starts to laugh at Daniel’s expression, he just smiles stupidly in response. And despite the mask hiding their lips, Jihoon knows that they were both smiling like two lovesick fools who were on their first date.
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November 2019
It was hard the first couple of days, but Daniel was glad he was back on schedule. Maybe he feels guilty leaving Jihoon alone at home, what with Jisung having his own schedules as well, but he doesn’t think he can stay in the house and co-exist in the same space he did with the younger boy. Too many memories, too many habits, too much pain. Which was why he crashes at Seongwoo’s on nights when he felt that he couldn’t go home.
So when he sees Jihoon one night as he leaves his room to wait for the chicken he had ordered as a late night snack, he had wanted to flee as soon as he sees him staring into the nearly empty pantry closet if not for Jihoon noticing his presence.
"Oh, Jisung hyung, did I wake you..." he trails off when he realises that it wasn't the eldest member.
"Uh, hi," Daniel says, scratching the back of his neck.
"Hi."
He points to the bowl of cereal and asks, "late night snack?"
"Yeah."
“Me too.”
“Oh.”
And Jihoon doesn't mean to give one-word answers, it's just that he hasn't spoken a word to this man since he got released. All he's seen were his shadows, a glimpse, and the muffled sounds of crying that occasionally infiltrates the paper-thin walls at night, so seeing him in front of him in the flesh makes it a bit difficult to speak.
"I, uh, I was hungry, and I ordered chicken," Daniel tells him. "Do you- do you want some? You used to like them, but I'm not sure if you- if you still do?"
Daniel looks away after he says that, but Jihoon smiles at the offer. "I’d like that."
At Jihoon's answer, Daniel's face turns into one of surprise, then relief, as if he hadn't been expecting a yes and that he was glad Jihoon accepted.
"Okay.”
Jihoon watches as Daniel fiddles with the strings of his hoodie, and he couldn't help but notice how soft he looks with tousled hair and a baggy hoodie, looking like a disgruntled puppy, and he just wants to know why Daniel hasn't spoken a word to him before tonight. He has so many questions to ask, but he has a feeling that the older boy would appreciate it if Jihoon gave him some space.
Daniel notices Jihoon's stare, as if the younger boy has something he wants to say, but he doesn't really want to talk about anything, not right now, when Jihoon glows ever so softly under the kitchen lights. He rocks back and forth on his feet before gesturing awkwardly at the television.
"I'm gonna watch tv while we wait."
"Can I join you?" Jihoon asks. Daniel startles but covers it up with a shrug he hopes comes off as nonchalance.
"Sure, if that's what you want."
Jihoon follows the older boy to the sofa and lets himself sink into it, pulling his knees in. He watches as Daniel surfs the channels and hums in agreement when he chooses the cartoon channel.
✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧
Daniel was painfully aware of the space between the two of them. It’s making it difficult for him to focus on the cartoon that was playing on the television in front of him. It was agonising enough to hear Jihoon from inside his room, and that was why he chose to stay inside his room or out of the house because he’s still struggling to wrap his head around the fact that this Jihoon doesn’t recognise him. This Jihoon who doesn’t know that this couch was where they had watched movies together, limbs tangled, Jihoon’s head on Daniel’s chest, and Daniel’s cheek on Jihoon’s head which smells a lot like peaches.
When Seongwoo had nagged at him to try staying home he had agreed, because he had started going back for schedules which meant that he wouldn’t be seeing Jihoon much anyway. But here he was, on the sofa, watching a cartoon with the man he’s so scared of seeing, about to eat chicken together. It’d be a lie if doesn’t bother him in the slightest.
A soft laugh breaks Daniel out of his thoughts, and he sneaks a glance at Jihoon whose eyes had crinkled at its corners, his lips stretched out into a wide smile, and Daniel’s heart aches. Jihoon turns to look at him then, and it takes every ounce of strength in him not to break down right there and then. Because he’s looking at Jihoon, the love of his life, but Jihoon doesn’t see him.
When the chicken arrives, they eat in silence, the television barely masking the sound of them chewing. There were two people in the living room, but he had never felt lonelier.
✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧
To be honest, Daniel wasn’t sure when they had started falling for each other. It had started with touches that lingered for too long, gazes that held yearning, and actions that bordered on affection that they don’t display to any of the other members. And Jihoon wasn’t surprised when Daniel tells him that he likes him (it kind of came out on accident), but he didn’t say yes straight away either.
And it wasn’t until one day when they were gaming in Jihoon and Woojin’s room, and Jihoon had planted a kiss on his cheek. They had lost the game, but neither one minded.
✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧
The news about Jihoon had slowly spread to the other members, and then released through official media. Woojin and Daehwi had been spamming Jisung with texts, asking how Jihoon was doing and if they could come over, and Jaehwan had been asking if Daniel was doing fine. Seongwu had texted Minhyun who had promised to drop by once his group promotions were over, and Sungwoon had been livid at not being one of the first to know. Guanlin was still in China doing promotions, and Jinyoung had gone off the grid since July (although Minhyun claimed that they’ve been texting occasionally).
It was funny how they ended up the way they did, but Jisung was glad that at the very least, this had brought them back together. He doesn’t know if fate was cruel, or if she was trying to help.
✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧
When Jisung had texted Daniel that he wants to talk to him that night, Daniel wondered what it’s going to be about. Because if it’s something related to their company, his manager would’ve been the first to tell him. He wonders if it was about Jihoon.
“Niel?” Jisung asks as he knocks on his door. “Can I come in?”
“Sure, hyung.”
Jisung enters the room and closes the door behind him. Daniel raises his eyebrows but doesn’t say anything.
“What’s up, hyung?” he asks as Jisung takes a seat on his bed. It creaks softly at the weight of the two men.
“Remember the casting I told you about?”
“The one you had a meeting for the other day?”
“Yeah, that one. I told you that if I got it, I’d have to stay in Jeju for two weeks, right?”
Daniel nods slowly, vaguely remembering Jisung telling him about it sometime ago.
“Well... I got an offer today.”
“Hyung, that’s great, you should accept it!” Daniel exclaims, then upon seeing the concern on Jisung’s face, he asks, “is it... not great?”
Jisung sighs deeply. “I don’t know if I should? I mean, what with Jihoon and everything-”
“What’s wrong with Jihoon?”
“No, it’s just- I know you’re having a hard time being around him.”
“Hyung, I’m fine-”
“The late nights? Staying over at Seongwoo’s? The beer cans under your bed? Niel-ah, I’ve been living with you for eight years. I know things.”
“Hyung, I’m fine, really,” Daniel says quietly. A lie.
Although he’s been home for a week now, nothing has changed. He was rarely at home, and when he comes back from his schedules, Jihoon was already in his room. It’s not like he’s okay with it – that’s why he drinks before he goes to bed so that he doesn’t miss the hands that hold him as he falls asleep. But he’ll live. For now.
Jisung eyes him for a moment before saying, “just let me know if I shouldn’t go, and I’ll stay. The offer stands for three days so take your time to think about it, okay?”
Daniel just nods. Jisung stands up to leave, but he stops at the doorway and turns around to look at the younger boy.
“Hey, you know you can always tell me things just like last time, right?”
“I know. Thanks, hyung.”
“Good night, Daniel.”
“Good night, hyung.”
✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧
After a couple of days at home alone while his housemates were out, Jihoon was bored. He flicks through the channels on television, but nothing catches his eyes. He sighs. He had wanted to take a walk around, but his manager had asked him to stay at home unless he had someone else to accompany him. Something about crazy fans and paparazzi, he says.
He was about to switch the television off when he sees it: his own face. On screen.
Produce 101: Season 2.
Maybe… maybe it’ll help him recall something, he thinks. And frankly, it scares him a bit - he’ll see himself doing things he can’t remember doing, but if he continues to ignore it, he’ll probably never going to be able to know what happened for the past three years.
He presses play.
✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧
Daniel wakes up at two in the afternoon. He goes to the kitchen and sees a post-it note on the fridge which says, “Niel-hyung! I’m probably napping if you’re seeing this but Jisung-hyung wants me to tell you that there’s soup for you in the fridge. Oh, and I also bought you something to wake you up since you slept late last night. And ice cream!!! Although I wrote my name on mine so don’t touch that one >:(”
He smiles at the message, imagining Jihoon telling this himself. He opens the fridge and manages to locate the soup, popping it inside the microwave oven to heat it up. The oven makes a soft ding! sound when it’s done, and Daniel takes it out to place it on the dining table. The soft creak of a door opening echoes throughout the quiet house.
“Oh, Niel-hyung, you got the message?” Jihoon asks as he appears in the kitchen. His hair was sticking out, and his eyes were bleary at having just woken up. Cute.
“You didn’t have to buy me anything,” Daniel tells him, but he shoots Jihoon a thank you anyway.
“You’re welcome,” Jihoon grins as he walks to the freezer and takes out a tub of ice cream. He sits down opposite Daniel, whose eyes had widened when he notices the flavour of the ice cream.
“You hate peppermint,” comes out of his mouth.
“Hyung, I want some of your ice cream,” Jihoon says, pointing his spoon at Daniel’s tub.
Daniel holds his tub out and exchanges it with Jihoon’s “You don’t like your chocolate one?”
“I do,” Jihoon replies as he scoops a spoonful of peppermint ice cream. He takes a bite and grimaced, then makes a panicked face as he tries to swallow without gagging. “Hyung- how- ew, this is toothpaste.”
“It is not,” Daniel defends his ice cream. He huffs and swaps the tubs again, to which Jihoon immediately shoves chocolate ice cream into his mouth. He brings his eyes to look at Daniel who had scoffed down a spoon of ice cream himself.
“Are you doing it on purpose?”
Daniel blinks. “Do what?”
“You have ice cream on your lips.”
“Where?”
“There,” Jihoon points. “On your philtrum.”
Daniel blinks again.
“You’re doing it on purpose!”
“I’m not! Why don’t you help me instead?” he pouts. But Jihoon wouldn’t have it.
“You’re definitely doing it on purpose.”
“Fine, I’ll clean it myself.”
Daniel brings his fingers to his mouth to wipe it off but deliberately misses the mess. Jihoon purses his lips in feign annoyance, but the crinkle that was starting to form at the corners of his eyes betrays him.
“Done,” he says, smiling goofily, ice cream still on his philtrum. A giggle bursts out of the younger boy.
“Hyung, I hate you,” Jihoon laughs. He scoots closer to Daniel so that he can wipe the mess off. “Come here.”
Daniel closes his eyes and leans forward as he waits for Jihoon to wipe off the ice cream. What he didn’t expect was for the younger boy to clean it with his lips. His eyes fly open when he feels a pair of soft lips touch his, and Jihoon’s face turns red as he retreats to his end of the couch. He brings a finger to his lips which were still tingling from the kiss. It tastes a bit like chocolate.
“What was that for?”
“I told you you have ice cream on your lips.”
“You hate the taste of peppermint.”
“I do,” Jihoon admits. His gaze was fixated at the ice cream in his hands. “But I like the taste of Kang Daniel’s lips more.”
✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧
Truth to be told, there were times Daniel had wanted to let him know- that they were in a relationship before the accident, that they were planning to get married.
It’s not like he expects Jihoon to come running into his arms if he ever found out. Realistically speaking, it would probably confuse him, maybe even drive him away from Daniel, and Daniel doesn’t think he can ever let that happen.
He doesn’t want to imagine the possibility of not having Jihoon by his side.
So he pretends that everything’s okay, bearing the pain that comes with the memories. Although he wonders how much longer he can hold for before he cracks.
✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧
The day Jisung leaves for Jeju arrives in the blink of an eye. Jihoon and Daniel stand at the door to see their older friend off.
“Don’t bully each other,” Jisung warns the two of them as he pulls his luggage out the door. “And don’t burn down the house.”
“Wha-”
“Why would I-”
Jisung holds up his hand before they could protest. “Just let me know if anything happens, okay?”
“I’m not a kid, hyung,” Jihoon huffs.
“Well, Daniel is,” Jisung laughs.
“Hey!” Daniel protests.
“Take care of him for me, won’t you, Jihoon?”
“I will,” says Jihoon with a smile. “Have a safe journey, hyung!”
“I’m only two hours away, honestly, but I feel like I’m leaving the country.”
“We’ll be fine,” Jihoon assures him. “Go, or you’ll miss your flight.”
The two of them wave the eldest one off, and then looked at each other awkwardly before speaking at the same time.
“I’m-”
“So-”
They laugh at that, and Daniel gestures for Jihoon to go first. “You first.”
“No, you can go first.”
“It’s nothing-”
“Me too-”
“Okay, I’ll go first,” Jihoon finally says. “I’m going to play a game before heading to bed.”
“You?”
It takes Daniel half a second to realise that Jihoon was asking him a question. Jihoon wants to know what he was up to.
Was that an invite?
“I... didn’t have anything planned for the night.”
“Oh, great, do you- uh, do you want to join me?”
“Okay.”
“Okay,” Jihoon says, and Daniel lets himself smile at that.
It’s just a game, it’ll be fine, he tells himself. Just one game.
When he had settled himself down and grabbed a controller for himself, he shoots Jihoon a smug look and says, “you don’t remember, so I’m just going to tell you that I’m really good at-”
“I might not remember but my hands might,” Jihoon counters back. “Heck, that accident might’ve made my brain turn into a super gamer mode or something.”
They ended up going to bed at four in the morning, and that was only because Daniel accidentally killed Jihoon in an FPS and the younger boy had practically dragged him to bed, saying, “I’m not going to let you jeopardise my gameplay.”
To which they had giggled all the way to their rooms and Daniel was blabbering on about how he’ll win them the next one. Jihoon just laughs, and when he says “goodnight, Niel-hyung”, Daniel realises that it was the first time he called him that since the accident.
✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧
September 2018
Daniel didn’t want Jihoon to get a puppy. He doesn’t need one. Why would he need one? If he wants cuddles, Daniel would be more than happy to oblige. If he wants something to channel all his love to, Daniel wouldn’t mind being at the receiving end of it. If he wants to be loved unconditionally, Daniel would literally do anything for Jihoon. So why does he need a puppy?
“Hyung?” Jihoon asks as he pokes his head through the door. “Hyung, come on, stop moping.”
“’m not moping,” Daniel mopes from under the blankets. He feels his bed shift as Jihoon takes a seat.
“I heard Jaehwan say something about a particular person being jealous over Max.”
“I’m not jealous.”
“He’s jealous!” Jaehwan yells as he passes Daniel’s room.
“Why is he still in our house?” Daniel grumbles.
“Hyung, look at me.”
“No.”
“Niel-hyung.”
“No.”
“Niellie.”
A rustle, and then a tuft of hair appears as Daniel peeks through the blankets.
Jihoon laughs softly and leans forward so that he could pull the blanket enough to see the older boy’s face. “You’re such a baby.”
“’m not a baby.”
He plants a gentle kiss on Daniel’s forehead and his eyes were sparkling with both amusement and adoration when he says, “you’re always going to be my baby.”
✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧
November 2019
Jihoon jolts awake when he finds his mouth full of fur.
“What-”
“Surprise!”
Daniel, Woojin, and Seongwoo were all standing in front of his bed, and Jihoon realises that on his chest, was a puppy.
A puppy.
Maybe he teared a little. He had wanted one for so long and now he has a puppy.
“It was Daniel’s idea, actually,” Seongwoo smiles at the still-shocked Jihoon.
“By the way, Max loves me as much as I love him,” Woojin boasts. “It’s a mutual relationship.”
“Max...?”
“You adopted him last year. Called him Max.”
“Max,” Jihoon repeats, and he likes how the name sits on his tongue. He brings his arms to wrap around the puppy, and he’s surprised to see how well-behaved it is.
“You’re a good boy, aren’t you?” he coos at the pup, and Max barks happily in response.
“Max loves everyone,” Woojin smirks. “Except for Daniel.”
“Hey, that’s not true,” Daniel protests. “We’re making progress.”
“If progress means you can now exist in the same room without Max barking up the whole house, then... I guess it’s progress,” Seongwoo teases him.
“I love him, thank you,” Jihoon says, and he smiles at Daniel as he says it.
“You’re welcome.”
They stand there just looking at each other, having no words to utter yet wanting to say more, and Seongwoo gets the hint. He calls for Max who bounds into his arms, and he drags Woojin out the room, saying something about feeding the dog.
“Did you have a good sleep?” Daniel asks.
Jihoon nods.
“I’m glad you like Max.”
Jihoon beams at him. “Why the surprise, though? I didn’t forget my birthday, did I?”
Daniel laughs, and Jihoon loves the way his eyes turn into small crescents. He thinks Daniel should laugh more. “No, no, it’s just- I won’t be home much starting today.”
“Oh,” Jihoon frowns. “You’re going somewhere, hyung?”
“I just have a couple of shoots this week. And Jisung-hyung won’t be home until next week.”
Right, of course.
“Don’t miss me too much,” Daniel jokes, and Jihoon pokes his tongue out at him.
“As if. I have Max now.”
Daniel huffs. “Yeah, but will Max play games with you? Eat ice cream? I don’t think so.”
“I’ll just wait for you to come home, then.”
The unexpected answer takes Daniel by surprise, because Jihoon wasn’t laughing anymore and was instead peering up at him with hopeful eyes, as if it was a completely normal answer. Maybe, just maybe, things are getting better. He cracks a small smile.
“Will you?”
“Of course.”
✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧
In the days that follow, Jihoon spends most of his time with Max, and watching television. He was starting to get a better idea of what had happened (well, as much as a viewer can), but the whole thing still sits strangely in his mind. Woojin pops by when he wasn’t busy with his schedules, and Jihoon appreciates it because the house gets too quiet without the older ones around.
“Hey, have we been close since Episode One?” Jihoon asks Woojin. He had been telling him about his decision to watch the reality program.
“We started getting closer during Get Ugly, but we knew each other existed before that.”
“Oh.”
“I was a shy child,” he adds.
“You were shy?” Jihoon gasps in mock surprise. “What happened?”
Woojin throws a pillow at him and grumbles, “you made me like this.”
“Me?”
“I don’t think you know this about yourself, Park Jihoon,” Woojin says as he turns to smile at his friend. “But you have a way of making people show who they really are inside.”
Jihoon wonders then, why Daniel was still hiding himself.
✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧
On a rare day where Daniel comes home early, Jihoon had whined about doing something fun.
“Is there anything you want to do before Jisung-hyung gets back tomorrow?”
“Go drinking?”
“We can do that whenever,” Daniel laughs. Jihoon’s lips curves into a pout, and Daniel feels his knees go weak. “Fine, we’ll have one drink. One.”
When Jihoon had insisted on getting the same can of beer Daniel had, the older boy tries to tell him about his low alcohol tolerance, but he was stubborn. Five minutes later and half a can in, he tries to hide his smile at Jihoon who was drawing circles in the air in front of him. They were sitting at the rooftop of the apartment, beer cans splayed in front of them, their shoulders barely touching as they lean against the cool wall.
“Hyung,” Jihoon hiccups. “Are oranges called oranges because they’re orange or is orange called orange because of oranges?”
Daniel doesn’t answer and instead takes another swig of beer.
“If an orange is orange, why isn’t a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?”
“You’re drunk,” Daniel points out. And you’re not even through with one can, he wants to say. His tolerance got even worse, if that was even possible.
“I’m not [hic] drunk.”
“It still amazes me how you can get drunk with one can of beer,” Daniel chuckles. “I told you we should’ve gotten Iseul Tok-Tok.”
“That’s for kids,” Jihoon protests. “I’m an [hic] adult.”
Jihoon brings the can of beer to his lips, a droplet of liquid trickling down his chin. And Daniel definitely wasn’t watching the way his lips touch the can, the way his Adam’s apple bobs up and down as he swallows the alcohol, or the way he wipes the corner of his mouth after. He looks away and takes a swig out of his own.
“Hey, hyung?”
“Hmm?”
“Were we ever rivals?”
Daniel turns his head to look at him, his expression unreadable. “Not even for a second.”
Jihoon nods in response, as if satisfied with the answer.
“I could never hate you,” Daniel says again.
“How come they never showed us together?” Jihoon asks. “On the program.”
Daniel is quiet as he thinks it over, but he couldn’t come up with an answer. So he just says, “that’s just how the industry is.”
The both of them bask in the tranquillity for a few minutes, and neither asks the other what was going on in their heads, until Jihoon breaks the silence and whispers, “I’m scared.”
The night grows even quieter, and Jihoon pulls his knees in against his chest. He doesn’t continue, and Daniel doesn’t ask.
“It’ll be fine,” he says instead. He turns to look at the boy beside him. “I know it will.”
"You’re always saying things like that,” Daniel had laughed when the younger boy tells him that he’ll be fine, it’ll all be fine.
“It’s true,” Jihoon had protested. “I’m not saying it just because I’m your boyfriend.”
And Daniel had replied with a kiss as he says, “no, you love me too much to say otherwise. But I’m not saying it’s a bad thing. Thank you.”
"You can let yourself cry today, but promise me you'll get back up tomorrow," Jihoon smiles as he leans forward for another kiss. "And know that I'll always hold your hand so you will never have to go through it alone."
“Thank you." Jihoon's voice snaps him back to the present. Another memory. Another promise neither of them could keep.
"Someone told me that you can let yourself cry today, but promise me you'll get back up tomorrow," he tells Jihoon, and his throat closes up as he feels the tears coming.
Jihoon hums thoughtfully. "That's nice. Who told you that?"
You did.
"Someone important to me."
They smile at each other, both with eyes that convey different things, and Jihoon’s eyes were sad when he says, “you smiled a lot.”
Past tense.
Daniel’s smile wavers, and he looks away. The brick wall feels cold. “Things happened.”
“It must’ve been hard too, before,” Jihoon wonders out loud. “But you smiled, still.”
Daniel takes another drink without answering.
“Have you ever felt like you can’t go on?”
Jihoon's voice was quiet, almost a whisper, but Daniel could hear his fear, his worries. And this side of Jihoon, the vulnerable Jihoon, the side he rarely shows to anyone, has appeared once again. And at a time when Daniel couldn’t hold him like he always has, nevertheless. He takes a long drink.
"There are times when I felt like everything I do wasn't enough, that I didn't deserve the spotlight, and that took a huge toll on me," Daniel admits. He takes another swig but notices that he's already emptied his second can.
"Aren't you [hic] aren’t you drinking too much?" Jihoon asks when he sees Daniel reach out for another.
"Don't worry about it, my tolerance is high," he says, flashing Jihoon a reassuring smile. Too high, he thinks, too high to numb the pain.
"Lucky."
Daniel snorts at that.
“Tell me more?”
Something touches his shoulder, and he realises that it was Jihoon. He couldn’t move. Jihoon shifts his head then, adjusting himself so that he’s comfortable, and the weight on his shoulder feels so familiar, so natural. Daniel wonders if Jihoon can hear the staggered breaths coming out of him, or the beat of his heart hammering at his ribcage.
A soft breeze blows through Jihoon’s hair, ruffling it, making Daniel’s nose tickles as strands brush against his face. And is that- apples? No, cherries. The sweet smell of cherries hits his nose. He breathes it in, the unfamiliar scent, and it dawns upon him again that no matter how much he thinks that things are back to normal, it isn’t.
“Hyung?”
Right. He had asked a question.
“It was difficult, and even though I had my mom, and the other members, it was hard when I get home and realise how strong those feelings were.”
“How did you pull through?”
“I had someone to hold my hand.”
Jihoon hums in response, and Daniel wants to tell him that it’s you, it’s always been you, but he couldn’t.
“Did they leave?”
Silence.
“They did,” Daniel replies. He doesn’t ask Jihoon why he had asked that question. He takes another long drink.
“I’m sorry.”
Don’t be.
“I’m here though,” Jihoon says again, and Daniel fights back tears that were threatening to spill. “I’m here if you need someone to hold your hand.”
They continue to stare at the starless sky. He feels his inhibitions ebb away, and the words slip out of his mouth before he knows it.
“And I’ll always have your back too, you know that, right?”
A deep sigh came from the younger boy, and his breath fogs up into the night sky.
“Thank you,” Jihoon mumbles sleepily. “And hyung?”
“I like it when you smile.”
Don’t.
“You’re really drunk, aren’t you?” Daniel laughs into Jihoon’s hair.
“Doesn’t make it less true.”
Daniel moves to take another sip but there was no more alcohol left in the empty bottles that were scattered around him. Jihoon starts to snore softly, and the whole situation was so familiar that Daniel holds back a bitter laugh. He wasn’t drunk enough for this. He prays that God was kind enough to let him fall asleep, because the pain that had been piercing through him had finally torn him apart.
✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧
A soft knock on his door wakes Daniel up. He fumbles for his phone before he realises that he doesn’t care what time it was and throws it back again. He groans out a response. Seongwoo enters the room with a bowl of porridge, wrinkling his nose at the state of his bed and at Daniel whose face was puffy from crying, and his heart breaks for the boy who used to shine brighter than the sun on a summer’s day.
“Niel-ah,” he says softly. “You have to eat.”
“Ngghnothungry,” Daniel mumbles under the blankets. These weren’t his blankets, he realises, and wonders how he ended up at Seongwoo’s place again. He can think about that later. Right now, he just wants to drown underneath the sheets. He pulls the blanket further above his head when Seongwoo pulls open the curtains.
Daniel feels the side of his bed dip as Seongwoo takes a seat. His stomach was growling, but he remembers Jihoon and the drinking session they had yesterday, and he doesn’t want to move, doesn’t want to do anything.
“You can’t keep this going,” Seongwoo coaxes him. “At least have a bite? It’s your favourite kind of porridge.”
Daniel doesn’t answer. He sinks further into the bed. He just wants to sleep the pain away. Seongwoo sighs. He takes his phone out of his pocket and sends a quick text to Jisung who should be home by now. He doesn’t want to bother him, but when Daniel’s like this, he couldn’t really do anything much.
[12:21] Seongwoo: Hyung, I’m so sorry to bother you but can you come over?
[12:22] Seongwoo: He’s a mess
A few moments later, his phone buzzes back.
[12:30] Jisung: Oh, thank God he’s with you, I thought he was in some alleyway
[12:30] Jisung: I’ll be there in fifteen minutes
[12:31] Jisung: Jaehwan’s coming too
[12:31] Jisung: Apparently Daniel had sent him a very drunk text last night
✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧
“I’m here, and you know what that means, Danny boy,” Jaehwan says as he pulls the blanket off Daniel. In other circumstances, there was no way that’d be a successful feat, but Daniel was a mess so Jaehwan has the upper hand.
Daniel groans in protest and turns over so that his face was planted in his pillow. Jaehwan waits until Daniel realises he needs to breathe, and sure enough, half a minute later, he turns his head, so he could channel some oxygen into his lungs.
“You’re a mess,” Jaehwan declares. “And for absolutely no reason, you big dummy.”
“Go away, I’m in pain,” Daniel whines, his face back on the pillow.
“What happened?”
“He doevn’t vememver be.”
“Well, yes, that’s what having temporary amnesia means.”
Daniel starts to sob, and Seongwoo swats Jaehwan on the arm.
“What Jaehwan is trying to say is that it’s temporary and he’ll get all his memories again.”
“Ve keep saying vat, but it’s been a monfh.”
“And you drinking yourself to death won’t be helping anybody either,” Jaehwan tells him, but his tone was softer.
Daniel was quiet, and Jaehwan worries if his friend had suffocated himself from the lack of oxygen. The door swings open then, and a breathless Jisung appears. He makes a beeline for the bed and squeezes himself on the bed, practically lying on top of Daniel as he envelopes the younger boy in a hug. The two follow suit, and soon Daniel was under three grown men, and this time he really couldn’t breathe.
“I caf’t breafe,” Daniel finally says, and the three of them budged a bit to let him live. Jisung brings a hand to stroke Daniel’s hair, and the younger boy nuzzles into the touch.
“I left you for two weeks, two weeks,” Jisung stresses. “What happened?”
“Everything and nothing.”
“You need to let us know what happened, so we can help you.”
“We had a drink, it was supposed to be just one can. And it was- it was fine, we just talked about being part of the industry until- until he leaned on my shoulder and at first it was fine, it was nice, even, and then we started talking about having each other’s backs”
“And then- and then he said he likes my smile, like, fuck, what am I supposed to even think-” he chokes.
“I ruined it. I thought things were fine, but I still can’t look at him without hoping that the old him is still there.”
“What do we do with you, Niel-ah,” Seongwu sighs. “You can’t avoid Jihoon forever.”
“I can,” Daniel says stubbornly.
“No, you can’t.”
“And Jaehwan has a point,” Jisung says. “You curled up here isn’t going to help him regain his memories.”
“He doesn’t need me for that.”
“More than anyone, he needs you, Daniel.”
“He doesn’t even remember me.”
“Stop saying that, you sad sod. Give him a chance. You told him you’d always find each other. Daniel, he can’t come back to you if there’s no path for him to follow.”
“That’s the deepest shit I’ve heard Jaehwan say,” Seongwu teases him, earning him the finger. “But he has a point.”
“What are you so scared of, Niel-ah?” Jisung asks.
“I tried,” Daniel chokes out, “I really did. I told myself I’m fine with the pain if it means getting to be back beside him. But when I think everything’s back to normal, the things he does, the words he says, I tell myself that it’s not. I’m tired.”
The room was quiet, except for the soft sobs coming out of Daniel. Jisung slides his arm around Daniel, pulling him into a tight hug. “He’s not doing it on purpose, Niel-ah. Jihoon would never hurt you.”
And the fact that it’s true, that Jihoon’s hurting him even though he knows it’s not something the younger boy was doing on purpose makes his heart ache even more. Because he can’t fix it, can’t fix his broken heart, and he doesn’t know what to do.
“Can’t I stay here, Seongwoo-hyung?” Daniel asks between hiccups due to all the crying. “I really- I can’t do this. Living back there. With him around.”
Seongwoo sighs, and he looks at Jisung who was already staring at Daniel resignedly. “Fine. You can stay with me at least until you’re ready to resume your schedules.”
✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧
Jihoon was awakened when a ball of fur starts attacking his face, and he giggles when he realises that it was Max. He opens his eyes and lifts the pup off him, sitting up so that he could cradle him. His head was a bit fuzzy, and he vaguely remembers what happened the day before.
Right, he had been drinking with Daniel. So this is what a hangover feels like, he thinks. He’s definitely not keen about drinking again anytime soon.
He walks out of his room only to find the house silent and empty, and he wonders if Daniel had left for a schedule. He pulls his phone out and sends a quick text to the older boy.
[08:22] Jihoon: Daniel-hyung, thank you for drinking with me last night!
[08:22] Jihoon: I hope I didn’t say anything embarrassing hahaha
[08:34] Jihoon: by the way, do you have a schedule today?
[08:34] Jihoon: I thought you said you didn’t have anything till next week
[08:35] Jihoon: just wondering if you’d like to watch a movie with me
He wonders if that sounded too clingy, so he quickly types
[08:40] Jihoon: I mean, if you want to
[08:40] Jihoon: (I’m so bored)
He bites his fingers as he hits send, and then puts his phone away as he heads to the kitchen to find some food.
✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧
[23:09] Jihoon: hey so Jisung-hyung told me you won’t be home for awhile
[23:09] Jihoon: what a bummer
[23:10] Jihoon: come back home soon!!
[23:10] Jihoon: I think Max misses you
**
[15:10] Jihoon: oh my god hyung did you see the new in-game update???
[15:10] Jihoon: can’t wait for you to come back so we can play~
**
[20:04] Jihoon: grocery shopping with Jisung hyung is not as fun :(
[20:04] Jihoon: he doesn’t let me buy as much snacks
[20:05] Jihoon: come back soon please
**
[02:31] Jihoon: hyung
[02:31] Jihoon: it wasn’t anything I said on the rooftop, right?
[02:32] Jihoon: I’m sorry if I said anything to drive you away
**
“Hey, am I mean when I’m drunk?” Jihoon asks Woojin who had come over. “Like, do I say mean things?”
“Not that I know of,” Woojin replies. He doesn’t look up from his phone. “Why? Are you still wondering if you said anything to Daniel-hyung?”
“Why else would he ghost on me?”
Woojin sighs and puts his phone down. He watches Jihoon pace the living room.
“Are you sure you don’t remember any part of your conversation?”
“I’m here, though,” he remembers saying.
Daniel, who had been so nice to him since he got back, Daniel who he now realises had looked so much sadder than the Daniel he sees on television, Daniel who is warm beside him, has offered him words of comfort he so badly seeks. He knows that he probably won’t be able to fill the hole in Daniel’s heart, but he wishes he was at least able to comfort him.
And then Daniel had said, “and I’ll always have your back”, to which he remembers thanking him for that, and then everything went fuzzy because despite the cold, he could feel the warmth that comes with those words, words that masked pain Jihoon can tell Daniel was trying to hide from him. He believes them anyway.
**
[17:00] Jihoon: hey it’s been almost three weeks and you still aren’t replying
[17:10] Jihoon: I’m assuming it’s something I did
[17:11] Jihoon: I’m sorry :(
[17:30] Jihoon: I won’t bother you anymore if you don’t want to talk to me
✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧
Daniel didn’t mean to leave Jihoon’s texts unread. He couldn’t bring himself to answer, but he couldn’t bring himself to block his number either. Somehow, a part of him still refuses to let him go.
✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧
March 2019
“I got the role!” Jihoon had squealed as soon as he steps into Daniel’s room. The older boy had held his arms out and Jihoon had jumped into his embrace.
“I’m so happy for you,” he says, although he feels guilty as he holds Jihoon. He didn’t really want Jihoon to accept the gig when the younger one first told him about it. Maldives was so far away. But Jihoon had been so excited about it, and Daniel couldn’t bring himself to voice out his selfish thoughts.
The night Jihoon began his shoot in Maldives, Daniel had sat in the living room with Max in his lap, eating cereal out of a box. It was probably only 10 p.m. there, so Jihoon was probably still shooting. He sends a text anyway.
[02:22] Daniel: I miss you already
[02:23] Daniel: I wish I can see you now
He was surprised when his phone buzzes a few seconds later and smiles when he sees Jihoon’s reply.
[02:24] Jihoon: No, you don’t
[02:24] Jihoon: I look like a Mess™ :(
[02:25] Daniel: I told you not to use the M word >:(
[02:25] Daniel: We only use the B word or the P word in this household
[02:26] Daniel: Although the C word is one I like the best :)
[02:35] Jihoon: I miss you
[02:35] Jihoon: Can’t wait to go home
[02:36] Daniel: Already?
[02:36] Daniel: It’s only been a day :P
[02:36] Daniel: Let’s video call once you get back to your hotel room?
[02:38] Jihoon: It’s almost 3am in Korea I can’t do that to you
[02:38] Jihoon: You have a fan sign tomorrow
[02:39] Daniel: Did you memorise my schedule?
[02:40] Jihoon: Of course I did
[02:40] Daniel: Awwwwwwww
[02:41] Jihoon: Since you won’t memorise it yourself
[02:40] Daniel: Heyyy >:(
[02:41] Jihoon: Hahaha :P
[02:41] Jihoon: Now go to sleep, you dummy
[02:42] Jihoon: I love you
[02:43] Daniel: I love you too
[02:43] Daniel: So much
[02:44] Jihoon: I know ♡
✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧
December 2019
Jihoon had gotten his first schedule.
That’s what Jisung had texted Seongwoo, and that was what Seongwoo had told Daniel.
Daniel doesn’t know how he feels about this. Of course he wants to go over and congratulate him, but he remembers how he had left the younger boy hanging without any explanation – that it wasn’t his fault, it was him who had issues.
“We’re having a small get-together on Thursday,” Seongwoo informs him. “Just... let me know if you want to go.”
Daniel turns up in front of their door- well, technically, his door, in a knitted sweater Jihoon had bought him a year ago. It wasn’t intentional per se, he had blindly dressed himself up and apparently his subconscious had wanted him to pick up that very cardigan. So now he stands awkwardly, having half a mind to turn around, but Seongwoo has an encouraging arm around his shoulder, so he stays.
The door opens, and Jisung’s face lights up when he sees Daniel. “Hey.”
“Come in,” he says. Daniel doesn’t move, so Seongwoo had to take him by the arm and drag him into the house.
There was a rustle as someone gets up from the couch of the living room, and Jihoon bounds up to greet the guests.
“Seongwoo hyung! I haven’t seen you in a while. And...” Jihoon trails off when he sees Daniel.
“Niel-hyung.”
Niel-hyung.
He still refers to him as Niel-hyung.
Daniel brings his eyes to look at the younger boy he had been actively avoiding, and his voice gets stuck in his throat.
Of course Jihoon was wearing a matching cardigan.
It hung on his body like an oversized piece of clothing, his hands barely poking out of the sleeves as he adjusts the cardigan on his shoulders.
His hair was dyed blond, a colour that complements his skin colour, and Daniel couldn’t look away. He looks as breath-taking as ever.
The air was still, and Daniel could only see Jihoon. He realises how much he misses him then, but the apology that had been nagging at him from the back of his mind refuses to leave, and Daniel doesn’t have the strength to force it out.
“Oh, thank god, you’re here-”
Jihoon was the first one to snap out of it. Woojin, who had jumped into the middle of The Moment, was looking back and forth between Jihoon and Daniel as if he had done something wrong.
“Did I ruin something?”
“It was nothing,” Jihoon says. He takes Woojin’s arm and drags him to the kitchen. “Let’s make those hot chocolates, I’m sure they’re freezing.”
Seongwoo clears his throat then, and shoots Daniel a look as if to say, “are you okay?”
Daniel nods.
The rest of the night went surprisingly fine. Only Sungwoon, Guanlin, and Jinyoung couldn’t make it, so squeezing eight grown men into a living room wasn’t the easiest thing to do, but they managed. He had smiled when Jaehwan told one of his stories, and chuckled when Minhyun told Seongwoo that he had sauce on his handsome face.
“Hyung, did you say he had sauce on his handsome face?” Daehwi had asked, and Minhyun’s ears turned red as he laughed it off.
“Doesn’t everyone think that, though?”
“We do, we just don’t say it out loud.”
And then Jisung had brought out a cake which had them singing a celebratory song for Jihoon. Which was normal enough, until Woojin and Jihoon started smearing cream all over each other’s faces, scaring Max who had been watching them from Seongwoo’s lap.
It was all so familiar that Daniel almost forgets the pain. Almost.
Because when the movie starts, and they had all huddled close under a heap of pillows and blankets, Daniel realises that Jihoon had sat next to him. He racks his brain, trying to figure out when and how this could’ve happened.
Jihoon probably didn’t realise until he sat down because it was pitch dark except for the television screen in front them, he reasons. Not because he had wanted to.
“Hyung?”
A whisper. In the background, the television continues to blare.
“Why’d you leave?”
He could feel Jihoon’s body beside him, warm, inviting, but he swallows and edges away.
“Did I say something to hurt you?”
“You could never hurt me, Jihoon.”
The truth.
“So why-”
“Do we have to have this discussion now?”
Silence.
“How much longer are you going to push me away?”
His voice was pleading, almost desperately, and Daniel’s arms were itching to hold him.
“I’m not trying to push you away.”
The living room was quiet, except for the movie that was playing in front of them. He could practically feel the tension in the air as the other members hold their breaths at this exchange.
“We were getting closer, so why-”
“Jihoon, please,” Daniel whispers, his voice strained. “I can’t-”
“If you could just tell me so I can fix this-”
You can’t fix this, don’t you understand?
We can never go back to how it was before, and we can’t move forward because of me.
“It’s not you,” he starts to say.
“Are you really giving me that bullshit-”
“Jihoon-”
“You can’t tell me you’ll have my back and then ghost on me.”
His tone was harder now, as if he was holding back his anger.
“You remembered what we were talking about?” he asks meekly.
“Of course I did,” Jihoon replies. “Were those just drunk words?”
Daniel couldn’t lie. He couldn’t pretend. Not anymore.
“They weren’t.”
“Then why?”
I love you too much-
“I have to go.”
“Hyung-”
-but now it pains me to the point of suffocation.
“I’m sorry.”
“Hyung, stay-”
Daniel stands up then, and among the protests which came from the other boys, he meets Jihoon’s eyes, and in that moment, he almost, almost, falls to his knees. Because a tear had escaped Jihoon’s eyes, and for the first time, it was because of Kang Daniel.
And even in the dark, those eyes which had once held so much love for him, were still so beautiful.
Stay.
He leaves.
✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧
Daniel takes his phone out and scrolls to the last text he’d received before the accident, his vision blurred because of rainwater falling from his hair – or tears, he couldn’t tell anymore. The words in front of him, however, were clear as day.
[11:11] Jihoon: I wish that we’d stay together forever
Are you sure you want to block this number?
His thumb trembles as it hovers over his phone screen.
Yes.
✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧
You who approached me slowly
I will hold your hands
I want to go even further with you
I want to see you again
- PJH, Beautiful Pt. 2
The longer I’m left alone, the more afraid I get
I miss those days, I miss you so much
- PJH, Beautiful Pt. 1