Chapter Text
6:45 am. Time to wake up.
No, not really.
Hyungwon's first class wouldn't start until 1pm that day. It was a friday and his major already jam-packed his classes from monday to thursday. Friday was just a chill class and lazy day. Supposed to, at least. The tall male had not slept for almost 80 hours, both from his million assignments and his demanding part-time job. But Hyungwon knew there was something else to blame.
[kkungie<3 10:40pm] maybe. i'll see tomorrow.
[me. 10:41pm] you don't have afternoon class tomorrow nor committee meeting. still no time?
[kkungie<3 00:05am] let's see, okay?
He sighed. The last message from Changkyun was sent when Hyungwon accidentally fell asleep waiting for the younger's message. It had been going on for a while, the lack of communication between them. They went to the same university, had the same group of friends, boyfriends, but it felt like they lived in separate world.
Hyungwon didn't know when it started; the fall of their relationship.
When they first started dating, Changkyun looked at him with stars in his eyes. His small lips would curl into pretty smile and his laugh sounded the brightest when he was with him. They would talk everyday, almost every second of the day-in the morning, between breaks in university, at lunch, in class, after school, at home, before bed. It became their own little routine they both enjoyed. The little things that made even ordinary day interesting and full of surprises. It went on for few months.
And suddenly it was not like that. It made Hyungwon think hard about the younger's feeling towards him.
They still talked everyday, but there was apparent distance in every word the younger spoke to him. They still sat together with the same group of friends, but most of time the younger didn't look at him or pretended to talk to Jooheon about music project that was long ago. They still walked home together, but the younger would shove his hands in his jeans' pocket and strolled through the street hesitantly.
It shook Hyungwon's heart and trust, badly. But Hyungwon never said anything, he just kept silent. Along those times, Changkyun never said those sacred words or never pinning on the matter. He just made distance bit by bit-which by now was becoming obvious. Too obvious.
Hyungwon didn't know what to do.
[kiki. 07:00am] Hyungwon, I know you are awake. Come to me and Hyunwoo's appartment right now.
Hyungwon sighed. It was the fifth time that week Kihyun asked him to go to the parents' appartment for yet another talk. Sometimes Minhyuk and Hoseok came to check on him but he would just toss another bottle of sleeping pills Kihyun ordered for him and went away to walk Changkyun to university or just go away from his friends. Jooheon came once that week. Everytime he came, he always look conflicted. Hyungwon didn't know what Changkyun talked to Jooheon, but he sure held a lot of answers that Hyungwon needed in his head. Hyungwon never confronted the slightly younger male; he thought it was unfair for Jooheon to be tangled in their mess. He just wish Changkyun would talk to him.
"Sit in the dining room, Kihyun made soup."
Hyunwoo didn't bother to greet Hyungwon as soon as the tall male appeared in front of their door. He was grateful for that because as much as he wanted to scream and bleed open his hurting heart, he'd rather stay apathy and pretended he was fine. At least for that day.
Kihyun didn't greet him either, only placing a bowl of rice and delicious smelling soup beside the rice. The utensils were already set, must be Hyunwoo's doing, and it was suffocatingly silent without Hoseok and Minhyuk crowding the table. It would be as suffocating with them as well but Kihyun and Hyunwoo didn't have to know that.
Hyungwon side glanced Kihyun and found it odd that the smaller male didn't say anything or shoved another sleeping pill to him. The hamster-like male just sat down beside Hyunwoo in front of Hyungwon and ate his breakfast silently. It was almost eerie, how his friends stayed silent most of time but Hyungwon paid no mind and just finish his food. He knew it wouldn't last, though, he knew Kihyun enough to predict what he would do or say.
Except, it was Hyunwoo who started first.
"Have you talked to Changkyun?"
Hyungwon stopped chewing for a split second before continuing, opting on nodding his head instead. He could hear Kihyun sigh, placing his chopstick on top of his bowl, looking at Hyungwon with a scowl. "What's it, Hyungwon? It's been weeks. And it's worse than last time."
Last time, right. It wasn't the first occurence.
"Changkyun, we need to talk."
Changkyun hummed, didn't look at his boyfriend, only focusing his eyes on his phone screen, scrolling through the blue bird app. Hyungwon sighed, sat down in front of the younger and put down the younger's phone. Changkyun had the audacity to blink his eyes few times, looking at Hyungwon with curious eyes. Hyungwon felt his heart constricted in pain.
"We need to talk."
He tried again, trying to level his voice and hold his mimic. He released the younger's wrist, intertwining his own fingers to each other, studying the younger's face.
"What's it?"
Changkyun sounded so far away--so far that Hyungwon almost thought he was having a nightmare while conscious. He bite his inner lip, gulping all the bitterness in one go. His house suddenly felt ten times colder.
"What's going on, Kyun-ah?"
"What's going on...what?"
Hyungwon sighed, still trying his best to sound as soft and careful as it could be. He didn't want to anger Changkyun--he was terrified they would fight. He did not want that.
"Why have you been acting cold and distant towards me? Did I do something wrong?"
Changkyun didn't immediately answer but he looked slightly conflicted. Slightly. Hyungwon didn't know what to decipher from the younger's eyes. It felt like he didn't know the younger and himself anymore. It took a few seconds for Changkyun to answer and Hyungwon dreaded the moment the most. He felt like it was better that Changkyun didn't tell him but at the same time, Hyungwon despised not knowing anything, especially from his own boyfriend.
"I don't know. I think I lost spark."
The taller of the two stayed still. All around him seemed to turn completely silent--he could only hear the irregular beat of his heart and he swore he heard it crack.
:"I'm sorry, Hyungwon." Changkyun said ever so gently but so cold that Hyungwon couldn't understand his apology.
"No. It's my fault." Hyungwon balled his fist, exhaling shakily. He kept staring at Changkyun's face, trying to find an answer, anything. "It's my fault. I made you stray from me."
Changkyun frowned and he looked guilty. The younger bite his lower lip, fidgeting, as if he didn't know what to do himself.
"No, Hyungwon, it's not your fault. You did nothing wrong."
"What's it, Kyun-ah? What made you...lose interest? I know I have been stressed out with everything around me and I'm sorry if it affected you. Damn it, I shouldn't have dragged you to that, I'm really sorry, Kyun. I'm sorry, I'd try--"
"Hyungwon, stop. It:s not your fault. It's not. Your fault. It's mine."
Hyungwon stopped, his breath caught in his throat. Oxygen was floating around him but he felt like he couldn't breath. Changkyun took away all his breath, he squeezed Hyungwon's heart painfully.
"Please... Kyun-ah. Please let me try again. Let me try to make you fall for me again."
Changkyun's frown went deeper and his lips was slightly ajar. Hyungwon didn't understand that expression, he didn't understand anything. All he understood was Changkyun fell out of love. He fell out of love of him.
"I agree with Kihyun, it's longer than last time. What happend, Won?"
"The same."
Hyungwon didn't mean to snap but he was so so tired. He hadn't slept for almost four days straight and his boyfriend was messing with his head and heart. He was exhausted, mentally and physically. He sighed, placing down his chopstick and rubbed his face, small voice of apology rolled for his two older friends. "Sorry."
"Don't be."
It was Kihyun, Hyungwon knew, and in next second he felt the smaller male's arm wrapped around his shoulder. "You should talk to Changkyun again."
"What do I say? Jooheon said to give him space."
Kihyun sighed, releasing his hold on the taller's shoulder and sat upright, feeling hopeless between his friends. "I know, but it's been weeks. Don't you think it's enough space?"
"I don't know, Ki. I don't know. I just.. I don't want to lose him. I really love him, Ki. I love him so so much."
Kihyun and Hyunwoo only could look at his other. Along the years they knew Hyungwon, it was the first time they saw Hyungwon so wrecked.
"I know, Wonnie. I know. There'd be a way out, okay? You'll be fine."
Will I? Will there be a way out of this?
05:55 am. On school day and it was his eight coffee that day.
Hyungwon typed on his laptop mindlessly. He finished a week worth of assignment in two nights. There was a little sense of proud in his heart knowing how lazy he was when it came to school work but he knew his friends weren't happy about it.
Jooheon had come to visit more often in the next week after the talk with Kihyun and Hyunwoo but he never really said anything. Hyungwon didn't understand his presence, but he appreciated it. He knew Jooheon was still worrying about him and he was secretly grateful that he stayed by Changkyun's side. Despite the situation they were in, Hyungwon couldn't stop thinking about Changkyun. He couldn't stop worrying about the younger.
If he was honest, Hyungwon felt that his and Changkyun's relationship grew a bit better. They were still boyfriends and they still talked everyday, although most of time it took Changkyun a very long time to reply Hyungwon's message. Their encounters in university was still limited, if not more, but Hyungwon kept holding on the texts they were exchanging. It made him feel that Changkyun still cared about him--that even a bit, Changkyun still loved him.
[me. 06:15am] Changkyun, do you have time today?
It was strange asking the younger like that. Usually he would just drag Changkyun out of his class or kidnapped him from the committe meeting to have surprise date. He would come with various gifts, sent series of playlist to the younger, called the younger at midnight just to say he missed him and he love him.
But ever since the distance reappeared, Hyungwon became scared. He was constantly anxious that Changkyun would just leave him right there and then without a single word. He became careful.
[Kkungie<3 07:45am] I think I do, why?
Hyungwon winced at the dry reply. The younger didn't even ask why Hyungwon, the one who slept the most in their group of friends, was awake very early in the morning. Hyungwon tried not to think much about it and steeled his heart. He needed to meet Changkyun.
[me. 07:48am] Can we meet in cafetaria after school? I'll treat you dinner.
[kkungie<3 08:15am] Okay.
Hyungwon sighed, staring at his phone far too long. A single tear escaped his eyes and two and three and he let them flow, let his heart cry after so many days.
Hyungwon didn't know what he would say or do once he meet Changkyun. His mind and heart just screamed to meet his boyfriend. Maybe he missed his boyfriend so much that he sent the message without thinking. He could hear his heart beating fast behind his ribcage, his mind racing wildly. What if Changkyun ditched him? What if Changkyun thought it wasn't worth to continue their relationship and decided to end it all by not showing up? Hyungwon's hands were clammy and his breathing quickening, he was feeling too anxious. He closed his eyes, balled his fists and trying to calm his racing heart.
"Hyungwon?"
The taller male snapped his eyes open and the object of his affection stood right in front of him with a raise of an eyebrow and those curious brown orbs again. Hyungwon was torn between sighing in relief or cry in anger.
"H-hey."
He stuttered, clearing his throat before he flashed a small smile at the younger. Changkyun nodded, shoving his hands in his jeans' pocket. Hyungwon had grown hating that gesture.
"Let's go?"
Changkyun nooded again and signaled Hyungwon to lead the way. Hyungwon wringed and un-wring his hands--his hand itching to hold Changkyun's. But he buried that urge deep down and guided his boyfriend to their favorite diner place.
"Where were you yesterday?"
Hyungwon started, his fingers fiddling under the table but he tried to appear calm.
"With the band."
"You joined the band?"
"Yeah."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
Changkyun frowned, looking at Hyungwon with slight irritation. "I told you?"
Hyungwon took a sharp breath, leaning on the sofa on the booth they were sitting. "You didn't tell me you would really join there. I thought you're coming back to my club."
"I was kicked out anyway."
"You can't tell me you wouldn't come back? I was waiting."
Hyungwon balled his fist, his heart was beating incredibly fast and he felt suffocated again. He held the fabric of his pants very tightly, refusing to let out cry of frustration in front of the younger.
Changkyun bite his lower lip, sighing. "Sorry, I thought you knew."
Hyungwon closed his eyes, taking a deep breath and trying not to send his mind to overdrive. But the more he tried calming himself down, the more he felt helpless and hopeless. He opened his eyes, steeling his heart and trying to hold his gaze towards the younger. Even in that situation, Hyungwon still thought Changkyun was the most beautiful person he ever laid his eyes on. His love towards the younger never once dimmed.
"Hyungwon... how do you never lose spark and excitement?"
Changkyun sounded small, tired maybe, and curious. Hyungwon could hear frustration in his voice. Maybe he was confused himself. Hyungwon wanted to just hug the younger and tell him everything would be fine. But he didn't know himself. It was not up to him. Until then, it was always Changkyun. Changkyun was the one who fell out of love, not him. It should be Changkyun who gave him the answer.
"I love you and only you, Kyun-ah. As your person, not just the excitement and fun you bring with you. I love your flaws, your sadness, your imperfections, your quirk and uniqueness. Everything. I always find every little thing you do interesting, even if it's not directed towards me. Your interaction with your friends, how you respond to our friends, how you handle things. Or how you cry over your failed exam, how you got mad at people who didn't think things through. Those things, Kyun-ah, those are what make you precious and I fall in love with all of that."
Hyungwon said with shaky voice, he did not care anymore if Changkyun saw how vulnerable he was. He just needed Changkyun to know how raw his heart was, loving the younger with all he has. He did not know what else to do other than showing the younger how much he loved the younger.
"I.. I see." Changkyun whispered and Hyungwon didn't know what he meant by that. Was it not enough, Kyun-ah?
"I don't know, Hyungwon. I was so sure I was in love with you. So sure. But.. lately it became an obligation... and I.. I don't know."
Hyungwon could feel his heart break even more when Changkyun said he was in love with him. He tightened his grip between his finger, trying his hardest not to let the tears brimming in his eyes to fall.
"Love shouldn't feel like an obligation, Kyun-ah."
The taller of the two whispered--voice low and helpless. There was desperation there but Hyungwon wasn't sure the younger could hear that. "What should I do to make you come back to me?"
Changkyun stayed silent, seemingly in deep thought, before he shook his head, sighing heavily.
"You don't have to do anything. And you also did nothing wrong. Hyungwon, it's not you. Nothing changed.. it's just me." He finally looked at Hyungwon, looking as conflicted as Hyungwon. "I love you, Hyungwon. I love you so much."
Hyungwon finally let the tears fall from his eyes. He had been waiting for those words for a long time. But at that time, it still felt so strange. It still sliced his heart painfully.
That night, Hyungwon and Changkyun ate in silence, busy with their own thoughts.