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Merlin sighed as his monitor beeped. He swore that it was a goddamn conspiracy among his agents that they never let him have one whole cup of coffee in peace. He had had half a cup, not bad all things considered, more than he often got.
He hadn’t actually finished a cup of coffee since 1993, when there had been a huge multi agent mission and four of them ended up in a coma and he got left alone for 20 fucking minutes for once.
God that had been a good day, standing in his office his screens showing on four in a coma, one in surgery, and two with a broken collarbone, and legs respectively. Actually finishing a perfectly brewed cup of coffee.
He tried not to think about the lack of a finished cup of coffee in 26 years, because that was a bit depressing and rather made him want to quit the job. But the agency and world would in fact fall apart without him, so he stayed.
There were 9 truly indispensable people in the world, and he was one of them. Woo fucking hoo. He had gotten blow up, and didn’t even get to have a cup of coffee during his recovery, due to strict hospital dietary rules. And he had been back at work, released against medical advice, because they were goddamn morons and didn’t seem to believe him when he said he was indispensable and to hurry up.
He switched his microphone on, in his new office from the rebuild; the paint smell was still there and driving him crazy. “Galahad, problem?”
“Honeymoons are boring. Got any missions in Honolulu?”
“Your mission is to fuck your wife,” Merlin said. “Good hunting.”
“Merlin? Give him a mission, I want to snorkel, and he is all restless,” Tilde called out. “There must be a drug dealer or something he can deal with yes, while I see a turtle?”
“He could snorkel too?” Merlin suggested.
“Mate, only tube going in my mouth is a dick, and those are currently off the menu,” Eggsy said.
“Will a threesome give you the adrenaline spike you are looking for? Because we can go find a rando at the bar, I wouldn’t mind watching you ride some d,” Tilde offered. “I would give up seeing a turtle to watch that. Aquariums have turtles, they don’t have me sucking my husband’s dick while he’s fucked hard.”
“And...I’m good Merlin, bye,” Eggsy said, and hung up.
Merlin figured they were either a perfect match or would crash and burn in a couple years, and he’d have a house mate for a while because for some reason broken hearted agents always ended up in his house, crying and hugging his throw pillows.
Bors once was there for two weeks. He took the throw pillow when his wife came and collected him for being clueless and thinking a fight equaled divorce. He had really liked those pillows. The new ones weren’t the same.
He thought maybe he could finish the coffee after all when Percival’s mission went live. Early. That really meant no more coffee. “Report,” Merlin barked as he looked through Percival’s glasses.
He saw mostly floor.
“Agent! Report!”
He typed furiously, and was pulling up vitals, emergency number in America. Maryland - at least it wasn’t fucking Kentucky. He sent word to Ginger, and Percival was breathing but not responding. “Agent Percival, you are in a bathroom, that I can tell, where?”
“Poisoned,” he whispered. “Restaurant.”
Merlin was tracking the man, and had a location thirty seconds later. “A medical team is on its way, are you compromised?” The Statesmen would exact swift revenge.
“No? Yes? Fire inside, hurts.”
“Agent, I promise you will be fine,” Merlin said in his most soothing voice, all thoughts of coffee gone in his head. “You are one of our greatest, and I promise you that you do not die on a surprisingly clean restaurant bathroom with your eyes on urinals. Not you. This is not how you die.”
“How can you be so sure?”
“I’m Merlin, sometimes I see the future, and I promise that you still have one.” Merlin was figuring it was a heart attack, and kept his voice soothing. A few minutes later medics burst in with the waiter.
“Aww, baby, I told you your British tummy couldn’t handle our hot wings,” the waiter crooned. “Oh honey. Let’s get some milk in you.”
Merlin blinked. “I was mistaken. You will die and soon, and by my hand, if all this is because of hot wings.” Percival passed out though, and Merlin cursed. He tracked vitals as the ambulance took him to the nearest hospital and he hacked the files, and soon Percival was under the knife for a burst appendix. He was almost impressed that the hot wings killed an evolutionarily redundant organ. And as always he did not finish a cup of coffee that day.
*
“It was an appendix, two weeks ago, I am fit for duty,” Percival protested. He didn’t flinch when Merlin’s fingers snapped forward and pressed against the scar. “See?” Percival replied, “if i wasn’t fit, I would have reacted to that.” His side was on fire and he was barely holding back the tears.
“Not bad, agent,” Merlin agreed. He reached for his coffee and took a sip. Percival had never seen the man without a cup of coffee next to him, always half full, he was sure the man refilled it so regularly he never saw the bottom of the cup. He wasn’t one of those people who had the same mug for twenty years and growled at anyone who touched it. It regularly changed every few months or so. What always astonished Percival was that Merlin seemed reverent with every single sip. Like it was precious. “Full range run and your average speed three times in a row and I’ll put you back on active duty.” Another reverent sip.
“I can do that,” Percival said with a polite head nod. He could not do that. He would have said more but Eggsy came running in.
“Merlin? We have a slight issue, with a prototype. It is Harry’s fault, and my clone or multiverse person or whatever cannot be on the loose, because my wife will want to be fuck by both of us and that is just wrong. I think. Actually could I keep it for a couple hours? Keep what? There are no problems here. Bye!” Eggsy ran back out.
Percival watched Merlin cast a longing glance at his coffee cup, before he pulled various weapons out of a drawer that included a gun, a bowie knife, and bubble gum package, that was half done. “What is that for?”
“I have a pack for each agent. This is the Eggsy pack.” Merlin popped a piece in his mouth. “One day I will be there to kick ass and chew gum, and I will be out of gum.”
“How many packs have you gone through for Harry?”
“Seven. Three for Bors. And before you ask, I have only chewed one piece for you, two weeks ago when you killed an organ with hot wings.”
“I wasn’t particularly using it,” Percival offered. “They were very good wings. All in all, worth it.” He smiled when Merlin reached into the drawer for a sour watermelon pack, and slowly pulled a second piece out and popped it in his mouth. “You should go, before Eggsy sucks his own dick.”
Merlin armed himself and gave a last glance to his coffee cup before running down the hall.
Percival stared at the half drunk cup. Interesting. He’d have to study that more. He’d have time, he wouldn’t actually be field ready for another week. Two, if he was honest.
*
“I have gathered you here today, to murder each and everyone of you,” Percival said.
“Murder us with tea and scones?” Roxy shrugged. “I assumed if you killed me it would be a bullet to the head, but meh, I’ll drink the poison. Didn’t want to do the psych eval anyways.” She sipped the tea and waited, but she didn't die. She took another sip and made a face. “Ugh, you are trying to kill me. Ceylon?” She pushed the cup away.
Every Kingsman agent sat in the private room of the tea shop that Percival had rented out, and were staring at their cups in concern. “Please, she is correct, most of you I would assassinate with a bullet. Harry, I would garrote you, we’ve been friendly enough I’d give you the benefit of seeing me as I kill you.”
“Thank you, I appreciate that.” Harry raised his cup in salute and ate a scone. “So why are you murdering us?”
“Because you, we have all abused Merlin for years, and I am appalled that any of us call ourselves gentlemen.”
He was pleased that had everyone’s attention, he knew they all cared greatly about their quartermaster. Merlin had been out for days after Harry had brought him back to Kentucky. All the agents had flown there and stood guard over him, and once he awoke disappeared, because god forbid British people show emotion.
“We’ll make it better,” Eggsy said, eyes almost swimming. “Swear down, we’ll make it right. Whatever we have to do.” There was a general agreement around the table.
“He never finishes a cup of coffee.” Percival was pleased with the silence that met the declaration, they all understood what a travesty this was. How they had been treating Merlin properly.
“That’s...that’s what we did wrong? How did we even do that?” Eggsy looked at everyone. “He has finished a cup of coffee.”
“Have you ever seen his cup that next to him empty, or even mostly empty?”
“Because he refills it,” Harry dismissed. “He has finished a cup of coffee.”
“Not in the two weeks that I have observed carefully. He is always interrupted by one of us. And Harry your bubble gum pack only has one piece left in it.” Percival enjoyed the way that made Harry pale.
“Bubble gum?” Roxy and Eggsy looked around the table.
“Pray you never find out,” Harry whispered, and Bors made the sign of the cross.
“Roxy’s pack hasn’t even been opened,” Percival replied smug and proud over her. “Eggsy is half done. You might want to give him additional survival training. Now then to the coffee. What I propose is this. We have one day where all of us don’t need Merlin.”
“We don’t bother him that much,” Kay protested. “No more than is reasonable for our quartermaster.”
“Oh really?” He looked around the table. “Are you sure about that, because I bugged his office, the gym, the bog, and his home. The longest he goes with an agent not contacting him is four hours.”
“He could drink coffee then?” Eggsy suggested.
“Yes between 1 and 5am when he sleeps is the best time to drink coffee.”
“I feel the need to point out the gross invasion of his privacy?”
“It is to better his life,” Percival frowned. “I will remove the bugs after we have successfully completed my plan.”
“For him to have one cup of coffee,” Harry said slowly. “Well it is his birthday soon, I suppose that could be our birthday gift to him.”
“No,” Percival shook his head. “I mean that is an excellent idea Harry but we will fail at our first attempt, so we need a couple trial runs so I pull the data to guarantee it is a successful mission.”
“Surely, he has finished a cup of coffee,” Bors said. He paused. “I remember. I thought it was the drugs. Holy shit.”
“What?” half the table shouted.
“That big mission where half of us almost ended up dead. I woke up, a bit. He was standing there just beaming at all of us. He said, this is my second cup. Today is the most glorious day of my life since I learned how good a dick up my arse feels.”
“Huh woulda thought he topped,” Eggsy said. “He radiates the same big dick energy my wife does.”
“Anyways, he has had a full cup of coffee,” Bors said proudly, then sort of sunk into himself. “In the 90s.”
Harry groaned. “I am an appalling friend. We will aid you.”
“Excellent. Here is my plan, it is simple. Day after tomorrow, no one need him.” Percival smiled. “For three hours in the early afternoon. Simple, and then we expand it to five hours, and then shoot for eight. That should guarantee he finishes a cup of coffee.”
“Three hours, come on bruv, we can leave him alone for three hours,” Eggsy scoffed.
“Fine. Prove it. Day after tomorrow.”
*
“I can explain,” Eggsy began.
Percival stalked towards him, and the other agent was smart enough to back up, each pace Percival took forward, Eggsy hopped back two. “I am sure you can.”
“It weren’t my fault. I just went to buy some fucking bread that Tilde mentioned enjoying. I did not expect to end up in the middle of a goddamn robbery did I?”
“You could have handled a robbery yourself, it used to be your goddamn job. There was no need to bother Merlin.”
“Rules state in any situation, even off hours, where there is a threat to your life and the threat of exposure you tap your fucking glasses on. I follow the rules.”
“How was your clone in bed?”
“Not my clone, from the multiverse and he dressed left, and it was weird alright?” Eggsy smiled. “Next time it will go better.”
“With your multiverse person, or my plan? Because I trust you meant my plan which of course will run smoothly, because I am removing you from the equation.”
Eggsy paled. “Are you going to kill me?” He was reaching for his gun.
“No. Next test of leave Merlin alone is in three days.” Percival pulled out his phone, and dialed a number he hacked from Merlin’s files. “Princess Tilde, I work with Eggsy. Would you like to know where to buy the best strap ons in London? I will tell you and get you a 15% discount so long as you promise to keep Eggsy tied to a bed and screaming your name three days from now.” Percival was quiet for a moment. “Good, yes. Thank you.” He hung up. “There we go. You are no longer a concern for the next system test.”
Eggsy stopped moving backwards, and when and hugged Percival. It was quite odd. He wasn’t much of a hugger, but pat the boy’s head like he did his puppy. And oh look a little spit as his cheek was kissed. “I make great biscuits. You’ll get a thank you plate in four days.”
“That’s nice,” Percival agreed. “Go on then, go outside and run. Go on, go run.” He nudged Eggsy who grinned and went off running. Okay, that removed one obstacle. He needed a few more bribes. The next run would be quite successful.
*
“I did not expect it to be you,” Percival shook his head. “I honestly did not worry about you in any of my plans, and yet, not only did he not finish his coffee, he broke the cup.”
“I got shot!” Roxy glared at her uncle, shoulder insanely bandaged, eyes glazed from pain medication. “The bullet actually hit me, so excuse me for needing aid.”
“It was a through and through, you slap a bandage on it and wait the three more hours into the plan. Good god, it is no big deal.” He sneered a little. “He broke his coffee mug. And is planning revenge on the group. He really doesn’t like that his baby agent that brings sanity and class to the table got shot. He is very fond of you.”
“No, I don’t want him to be fond of me,” Roxy whined. “I like him, he is the guv as Eggsy says. But I’ve been sexting Ginger in the Statesman. I don’t like any dick not made of silicone.”
“He isn’t fond of you that way, he just thinks you are the bee's knees. I heard him say that. Actually called you the bee’s knees. He didn’t even chew a piece of gum when you got shot.” Percival shook his head. “It is like 4th form all over again.”
“I am sorry that I am awesome.” Roxy glared at him.
“You are recovering in Kentucky with the woman you are flirting with. More sex toys for a princess and her puppy of a husband.”
“Eggsy is totally a puppy,” Roxy giggled. “Bet you thought Harry was going to be your big problem.”
“I’ve been drugging him.”
Her eyes widened. “You have been drugging our boss, what if the end of the world happened?”
“Then it would burn, but Merlin wouldn’t know and maybe get to finish a damn cup of coffee.”
“Why are you so fixated on this?”
“Because he is the reason we save the world, stay alive, and his pretty lips deserve to finish a cup of coffee.”
“You called his lips pretty.”
“No I didn’t. Go to Kentucky and get some.”
“You have a crush.”
“You are high and in pain. I am ignoring you. Excuse me.”
Percival left the room at a normal pace, stalking out would give her words too much weight. He did not have a crush on their quartermaster, he just wanted the man to finish a cup of coffee.
*
“Right, okay, fine,” Percival said. “I don’t even…” He stared at the man. He had ended up in South Africa on an emergency job during the next test of the system. And he had implored all the agents to do as they were told, and not disturb Merlin. And now, he was going to have to break that himself. Maybe. Maybe he could get out of this. “I’m sorry you have the wrong person?”
“No, I know that suit. That suit means trouble. I deal with trouble personally.” Oh lord the man actually put his gun away and raised his fists. Well, that did make it easier. He shot the man, and ran through the building killing everyone, destroying data and machines that looked like they were trying to reanimate corpses. Fuck they actually had one. He hated zombie movies and extra killed that one.
He did this all without disturbing Merlin, and got on the plane. The pilot smiled at him. “Sir. Success?”
“I sure fucking hope so.” He checked his watch. Five hours. Surely everyone did their part. He tapped the side of his glasses. “Merlin, checking in. Everything smooth as silk here.”
“Some bastard drugged Harry,” Merlin snarled. “He managed to call me, was singing ABBA.”
“I have to up the dosage if he managed to call you.”
“Excuse me?”
“What?”
“Are you the one drugging Arthur?”
“Did you get to finish your coffee?”
“Of course not.” Percival heard a drawer open. “I am chewing a piece of gum agent.”
“I need to change my approach, this is not working.”
“What is not working?”
“It is fine, never mind, this is for your own good.” Percival disconnected his glasses, and opened his laptop. It was time to implement plan B. He could not trust the other agents to not bother Merlin. So he needed to remove Merlin from the equation.
*
“Percival, a problem?” Merlin managed to take another sip of coffee. His third sip. Maybe this was just handing in a report and he’d get a few more sips.
“Happy Birthday, Merlin,” Percival said.
He was the first to do so, and Merlin appreciated that. He had Harry would have lunch later, and he already knew that Eggsy had bought him a Gunner’s jersey. “Thank you,” Merlin replied. Percival’s hands were behind his back; Merlin wondered if he had a gift, that would be a first. “What -” he couldn’t finish the question because a knock out dart lodged in his neck, and he blacked out.
As he woke, he could smell coffee. Really good coffee, better than they had at work. He slowly opened his eyes. He was strapped to a chair, no glasses on, but one arm was free. He was at a table and right there in front of him was a cup of coffee.
“Not poisoned,” Percival promised.
Merlin looked at Percival as he sat across from him. “Kidnapping would suggest poison.” Percival took a sip from his own cup of coffee. “How does that prove mine is not poisoned?”
“I can’t sip from your cup.”
“Because poison.”
“No because then it wouldn’t be a full cup. The whole point is you having a full cup!” Percival shouted, and Merlin felt his jaw drop.
“You noticed?”
“Of course I did.” Percival frowned. “I mean I only noticed recently. When I should have like fifteen years ago. But I put the pieces together. You never finish a cup of coffee. You can right now. It is your birthday gift.”
Merlin stared at the cup, steam still rising from it. “Is this why on multiple missions I have had agents say, fuck Percival is going to murder me for bothering you. And one spectacular incident of Eggsy turning his glasses on at the wrong time, being pegged by his wife and saying they needed to buy you a fruit basket, and her planning to knight you?”
“I may have arranged appropriate distractions for certain people to try to get you time to have coffee.”
“Including drugging our boss and my best friend.”
“I did think about putting him in cryogenics but your staff told me that wouldn’t be ready for a couple more years. I said the risk was worth it, they disagreed.”
“All so I could have a cup of coffee.”
“It wasn’t going very well, so kidnapping you became the best alternate. It seems that you cannot be lived without.”
“I am one of the nine truly necessary people in the world.”
“I am aware, I have learned a great deal from bugging your everything.”
Merlin closed his eyes. “So, let us catalogue this. You realized I was maybe not finishing my coffee.”
“Yes.”
“So you bugged everything to confirm your hypothesis.”
“Yes.”
“And when that was indeed confirmed, you tried to wrangle all the agents to make sure I had the time to finish the coffee. You made multiple attempts that all failed no matter how you changed the parameters, which lead you to flat out kidnapping me.”
“That is the series of events, correct.”
“All so I could finish a cup of coffee.”
“Yes, you deserve a whole cup of coffee.”
Merlin reached out with his one free hand and took a sip of coffee. Those were fresh ground beans, and filtered water, and just the barest hint of vanilla sugar. His perfect coffee. They didn’t speak, just sat there and drank their coffee, while Merlin was tied to his chair.
He finished the cup and held it out. “May I have another?” Honestly that much caffeine would make him wired for sound, and he didn’t particularly care.
“Of course,” Percival was beaming. “I am so happy for you.”
Merlin untied himself while Percival was gone and was walking around the cabin. He opened the front door, just saw woods and a dirt road. He nodded a bit to himself and closed the door. He turned when he heard Percival.
“I should have known,” Percival said. “You going to kick my ass?”
“No, I’m going to drink a second cup of coffee on the porch out there.” Merlin looked at him. “You can join me.”
They drank the second cup which was just as perfect. “So in the horrible invasion of my privacy that you partook in what else did you notice about me?”
“You are single, wank before bed every night, read romance novels, the whole bloody world relies on you too much, that you love all us agents like your slightly precocious children, and if you had the actual time, you would have a dog.”
“That all sounds accurate.” Merlin finished the second cup, and felt more alert than he had in 30 years. He was going to crash hard in a couple of hours. “I trust all the bugs will be destroyed upon our return?”
“Harry and Eggsy are taking care of it now,” Percival promised.
“I don’t think of all my agents as my children.” Merlin looked at him. “One has recently very much changed how I view him.”
“You are going to kill me, I presume,” Percival nodded. “I expected that. But you have had your coffee, and I am content, and have made my peace with God.”
Merlin smiled at that. “You are rather insane, I am realizing. All my agents are, you just hid it well.”
“I think I was mostly sane before I clued in we were hurting you. That upset me, and I went to extremes to fix it. I do not know what that says.”
“I do,” Merlin replied. He twisted Percival’s head towards him. “It means we are getting married. As soon as legally possible.”
“Excuse me?”
“Nope, it is done. You made me coffee, good coffee that I finished. We are getting married.”
“I kidnapped you.”
“You did, we’ll make it an annual thing.” Merlin smiled. He had always found Percival quietly attractive, and honestly the kidnapping and coffee made him seem exquisite.
“We barely know each other.”
“You spied on me for the last month, I’ve been spying on you for 22 years. We’ll manage.” Merlin looked at the empty cup. Two whole cups. It was the best day of his life. “Yes, we’ll manage quite fine.” It was all quite settled in his mind. They were perfect for each other and would wed.
“We don’t know if we are compatible in the bedchamber.”
Merlin had to snort a bit at that turn of phrase. “Well then, let’s go find out.”
“Alright?” Percival said faintly.
Merlin got up and went to find the bedroom, and Percival followed him.
Two hours later Percival agreed to marry him.
Two days later they were married.
Merlin managed to drink two whole cups of coffee on his birthday every year. He enjoyed the lengths that his husband went to make sure that happened.