Archive of Our Own

[1]


Callum wanted to be a paramedic since he was nine years old, when he had found a little bird outside in his backyard. Its wings had been broken, but Callum had firmly believed that he would be able to nurse the little creature back to health, hiding the bird in an old shoebox under his bed because there had been no way that his dad wouldn’t have berated him for keeping it in the house, had he found out.

Instead, he had quizzed his biology teacher about everything she knew on nursing a sick bird back to health and on the day that the bird had flown again, uninhibited and completely on his own, Callum had felt an intense feeling of joy like he had never had before in his life.

That’s when he decided that he wanted to keep experiencing that feeling, that rush of happiness, and that he wanted to help people get better, because if a simple bird could bring him so much joy how would it feel if he helped to safe a human being? And if a simple act like this one could be such a light in the darkness that normally was his childhood, then other people deserved to experience this light as well, especially in times where they desperately needed some light.

The Army had been a welcome escape from his abusive dad and Callum had enlisted just after he had finished school, choosing to become a medic after he had completed basic training. When he had been injured in the field and had been medically discharged afterwards, he had thought that this was it. He had lost everything he had left in his life and he hadn’t known how to keep going. Until his assigned therapist had reminded him of that little bird he had cared for when he had been just a little boy, and of that feeling he had had when the bird finally took off into the bright blue sky again.

That’s how Callum had ended up here, riding shotgun in an ambulance with his partner Whitney sitting next to him. They have been working together since Callum had started his on-the-job training with Whitney being his assigned mentor as one of their more experienced paramedics. They built up a rapport fairly quickly and she has probably become his best mate since working together, for which Callum is eternally grateful because it definitely beats his brother being his only friend.

They hadn’t been on shift long today, passing the time by chatting about the latest guy Whitney had gone on a date with, when the call had come in. Car accident in Walford. The scene that had greeted them when they had arrived had been hectic to say the least. It hadn’t been a big collision, only three or four cars involved, but it had looked pretty severe. They had tended to a young woman in a silver BMW, who had been stuck in her wrecked car before the firemen had got her out and had gotten her on the stretcher.

They had quickly loaded her into the back of the ambulance and made their way to the nearest available hospital – Walford General in this case.

Callum goes to open the backdoors of the ambulance when Whitney alerts him that they’ve safely parked in the ambulance bay, letting the bright afternoon sun filter into the back area of the vehicle, and Whitney swiftly joins him in front of the A&E doors and helps him pull out the stretcher. They’re in the middle of pushing the woman towards the entryway, when the glass sliding doors open and the attending doctor joins them on the way and Callum can’t help but roll his eyes at seeing the man in the teal scrubs meeting them halfway through the doors.

Ben Mitchell is probably every cliché about doctors rolled into one human being; he’s cocky and arrogant, only exchanging the bare minimum of words with the paramedics at the transfer and badly impatient. He’s known to leave nurses and paramedics standing if things take too long for his liking and Callum himself has never had a friendly interaction with him when they had met each other on the job in the two years they’ve known each other now.

It would infuriate Callum even more if he wasn’t such a good doctor, always attentive and serious when it comes to his patients and he does try everything in his power to help people. Callum knows this, he’s seen it in the glimmers that shone through in the few times Ben has allowed his carefully constructed persona to crack a bit in front of Callum, like the time they had brought in a stabbing victim and Ben’s cool, professional mask had slipped right off. He just wishes that Ben would portray this side of him on the outside as well; it might make him more approachable and not just a topic for the other paramedics and nurses to gossip about at the yearly NHS charity ball.

So to say that Callum and Ben didn’t get along well would be a hell of an understatement. He doesn’t even try to give Ben a smile as he joins them at the door to the hospital, his normally sunny attitude disappearing as soon as he catches a glimpse of Ben. He doesn’t know why, there’s just something about the man that irritates him to no end, something beyond Ben’s ever-present rudeness.

“Is that the crash victim?”, Ben asks, foregoing any pleasantries whatsoever.

“Chloe Atkinson, 32. She was wedged in her vehicle, firefighters got her out. She has DIB but no unconsciousness that we know of. No known pre-existing conditions or allergies. BP is 135 systolic, temperature normal at 36.7. HR elevated at 122 bpm, ETCO2 is 33 as expected.”

Whitney rattles off the stats to Ben, who started inspecting the woman’s legs as soon as they mentioned that she was in a wreck, Callum fears they have to amputate. He’s nodding as he takes everything in and Callum watches him whistle as soon as they enter the registration area, two nurses immediately running to join Ben in taking the woman towards the trauma room.

Callum bristles at the rudeness of the action, wondering if Ben really is so far up his own ass that he won’t even talk to the nurses at the hospital, and turns to catch Ben’s attention.

“You should order a CT. Her stomach isn’t hard but there might be internal bleeding from the crash.”

Ben halts for a second to look at Callum, tilting his head as if he had just registered the other man for the first time since he had stepped out of the hospital doors. Somehow, this thought irritates Callum as well. Ben lets out an annoyed snort while he musters Callum from head to toe. Callum tries not to shrink in on himself at the action; he won’t give Ben that satisfaction.

“Thank you, but I know how to do my job, Highway.”, he spats, voice dripping with a mix of sarcasm and irritation.

He knows it’s meant as a dig at him. Callum has corrected him countless times at the beginning, insisting that his name is Callum, but somehow Ben’s the only doctor he regularly works with who chooses to call him by his last name; accentuates it even like he did just then. It does Callum’s head in, much like everything Ben does.

The man in question turns his back to them without another word, taking over the stretcher along with the nurses and rolls it towards one of the rooms down the corridor. Callum sighs in annoyance, but he kindly thanks the nurse who brings back their stretcher after a few moments, so what if he’s trying to use Ben’s rudeness in a way that accentuates his own niceness, while Whitney checks in their former patient at registration.

He sends one last glance towards the trauma room Ben had disappeared in, cursing that Ben Mitchell just had to taint their first case of today’s shift and praying to a god he doesn’t even believe in that he won’t have to see the man in a long, long while.

[2]


The next time Callum sees Ben is thankfully not until a couple of weeks later. This time, it’s him in the driver’s seat and Whitney in the back, taking care of the 60-year old woman who had complained about chest pains. None of her stats show a high probability of a heart attack though, so that’s something good about this case at least. They had still taken her with them to the hospital, because you couldn’t be too careful with chest pains at that age, but what’s exactly wrong with her is for the doctors to find out.

Callum’s just driving up the ramp towards the ambulance entrance bay when he spots Ben. Judging by him wearing his usual attire of scrubs, he’s obviously on shift, – great, Callum thinks – his face a terse grimace and fists balled at his sides. He’s talking, no arguing rather, with a short, bald-headed man, whose face looks equally as angry. Normally, Callum would feel guilty about interrupting the argument but he has a patient in the back and they’re on a timer and Ben really shouldn’t have what seems like a private conversation, based on the civilian clothing of the other man, during work hours.

Ben seems to notice the ambulance arriving out of the corner of his eye, because he gestures to the hospital behind him and says something that makes the older man shake his head and leave in the other direction than Callum’s driving in.

He parks the ambulance in front of the hospital entrance and gives Whitney the go-ahead to open the doors, watching Ben’s figure in the rearview mirror approach the back of the ambulance to help Whitney with unloading the patient.

By the time he rounds the vehicle and joins both of them at the rear, Whitney’s already giving Ben the rundown on the woman. He knows he should pay attention to the stats she’s giving Ben to make sure there are no errors or miscommunication, but his eyes are stuck on the hard set of Ben’s jaw and the way it keeps clenching like he just ate something sour. Even from his place a few meters away Callum can see that his shoulders are painfully tense and that his nostrils are flaring like he’s silently trying to calm himself down and focus on his job and not the argument he just had beforehand.

He’s ripped from his observations when Ben turns to him, their eyes meeting for a tense second.

“No brilliant advice for me this time, Highway?”

It’s said with a defiant glint in his eye and Callum desperately wants to rise to the challenge and fire back, can feel the quip clawing itself up from the back of his throat, but what comes out instead surprises even himself.

“No, no you got this.”

Callum doesn’t know what makes this of all things come out of his mouth, thinks maybe it’s down to  the still tense set to Ben’s shoulders or the tick in his jaw that makes him say the words, and it feels somewhat wrong because he doesn’t even like Ben, seriously, and he’s evidently not the only one surprised by his choice of words. Ben’s mouth falls slightly open in bewilderment and his eyes seem to lose some of the fire in them, the burning instead being replaced by a look that Callum can’t entirely place. He’s staring at Callum for a beat longer than necessary before shaking his head slightly, almost like coming out a trance, and pulling the stretcher away from Callum and Whitney and into the hospital.

Callum’s staring at his retreating form even after it’s long gone, trying to figure out when exactly he decided giving positive reinforcement to a guy he strongly dislikes is a thing that he does, when Whitney gives his arm a slap that stings more figuratively than it actually does.

She’s looking at him like he’s grown a second head and Callum can’t blame her in the slightest, she has witnessed so many of his rants about Dr. Ben Mitchell that she can probably recite most of them by heart at this point.

“What was that, Callum? I thought you hated him.”

Callum wants to correct her, because he’s pretty sure he could never really hate someone, but that’s not the point right now.

“I don’t know, okay. It just sort of tumbled out. It’s not a big deal.”

Before Whitney can say anything else, and the way her eyebrows have climbed into her hairline already says enough, Callum passes her and makes his way back to the driver’s side of the ambulance. Maybe if he hides out in here until Whitney has checked the patient in, he doesn’t have to think about what just happened or analyze the way in which Ben’s mouth had dropped open ever so slightly, almost like he was hearing words so foreign to him.

It doesn’t matter anyway; Ben is still Ben and Callum still doesn’t like him. No amount of unplanned word vomit will change that. He’s arrogant and rude and an all-around horrible human being and Callum doesn’t like him, okay? He doesn’t.

[3]


Cases like this one should really be forbidden at the end of a shift. Scratch that, cases like this should never happen full stop. Callum really wishes it wouldn’t affect him the way it does, but it does, even after the, definitely heartbreaking, amount of times he already had to see cases like this in his time as a paramedic in a big city like London.

They had been called to a bar fight that had supposedly gotten out of control, one of the guys involved apparently a little worse for wear so witnesses had called for an ambulance. The stone-cold feeling in his gut had set in when they had arrived at the scene, Callum immediately recognizing the place as a gay bar. They hadn’t needed to ask what had happened here; it had been obvious from the lone victim to the way the few witnesses had looked.

Callum had opted for riding in the back of the ambulance with the young man, he couldn’t have been older than twenty and that knowledge alone made Callum grit his teeth in anger, trying to calm him down and tend to the open wounds on his face.

He barely registers the backdoors of the ambulance being opened, the myriad of emotions whirling in his mind and the desperate need to fix this successfully working together in blocking out his surroundings. He doesn’t come back to reality until he feels a tug at his elbow and then everything crashes out of slow-motion and into normal speed again, the noises around him replacing the ringing in his hears, that had set in as soon as they had stepped out of the ambulance in front of the bar.

He hops out of the vehicle and lets two of the nurses handle getting the patient out the ambulance and into the hospital in favor of informing Ben on the stats he had measured on the way. Whitney is explaining the nature of the fight to alert Ben of any possible internal injuries and Callum sees his face change in the same way his had, when she utters the words ‘suspected hate crime’. He understands immediately what Ben feels, can hear it in his suddenly hardened tone of voice, just like his favorite dispatcher Tina’s voice hardens every time she notifies them of a case like this one.

Ben doesn’t waste any time, not that he usually does either, after they’ve given him the rundown of their observations, basically running back inside to take care of his new patient, and Callum desperately hopes that this case will have a good outcome. The man had seemed relatively fine on the way here, no unconsciousness or fits, but internal damage is always a possibility with assaults so Callum is careful with celebrating too early.

In hindsight, he’s grateful that the case did happen at the end of their shift, because being questioned by the two police officers investigating the case takes forever. Whitney is already gone, having been questioned just before Callum and he just really wants this day to be over and go home to his flat so he can probably, most definitely, cry in peace.

 He’s just stepping out into the fresh air of the night, thumbing through his phone to call himself an Uber in order to get home, when he spots Ben to his left. He’s sitting a few feet away on the little mural that separates the flower bed wrapping around the hospital and the pavement, an orange cup of that awful hospital coffee sitting next to him and his head buried in his hands.

Callum doesn’t really know what makes him approach Ben, and he certainly doesn’t have the energy today to examine the feeling that does make him either, but he walks over to the other man slowly so as to not startle him out of whatever is going on in his head right now.

Ben doesn’t notice him until he’s sitting down next to Ben’s coffee cup and even then, the only acknowledgement Callum gets is Ben slowly unburying his face from his hands, glancing at Callum briefly, face void of any emotion that could give away how he feels about Callum of all people sitting down next to him.

“How is he?”, Callum asks tentatively, not wanting to break the quiet, somber mood of the night for some reason.

“Stable. No internal injuries although two of his ribs are broken. Most wounds are superficial so there’s that.”

Ben doesn’t seem too happy about it, though Callum can relate. Cases like these tend to stick with you longer than others, too personal to not care about them. Sometimes, Callum wishes that he wasn’t as empathetic as he is, that he didn’t always feel so damn much about everything, but he breathes a little easier seeing that Ben is the same way when it comes to cases like this.

Who would’ve thought.

“I didn’t know what to say to him on the way here, you know. He was so shaken by what happened and he’s still so young and I tried to calm him down as best as I could. I wanted to tell him that everything was going to be fine and that something like this would never happen to him again, that he would forget about it soon enough, but I couldn’t lie. What happened to him tonight, what was said to him, that will stay with him. I just wish I could do more.”

“Yeah, I know.”

Callum lifts his gaze from where he’s wringing his own hands together in front of him to Ben sitting next to him and finds the man already looking back at him. There’s a sad understanding in his eyes that tells Callum more than any words ever could in that moment. It tells him that Ben’s story probably isn’t that much happier than his own. That maybe there’s abuse and denial in his past as well and maybe they’re not as different as Callum always thought they were.

He doesn’t have to wonder about Ben’s past for much longer though, when the younger man sighs and runs a hand over his face, turning his head back forwards again to stare at the empty street stretching out in front of them.

“I hate dealing with attacks like this, you know. Normally, the nurses at registration know not to assign them to me but no one else was available tonight. It, um, it always brings up bad memories.”

He doesn’t have to elaborate on what type of memories he means, Callum understands what he’s implying regardless of that. Ben chances a quick look at Callum and what he sees must give him the courage to continue, because he keeps talking a moment later.

“I was out with my boyfriend that night. We had been drinking, enjoying ourselves, you know. These lads starting hassling us, calling us names, saying all sorts. I was mouthing off as usual, always trying to be the big man… It didn’t end well. I wasn’t that badly injured but Paul didn’t make it.”

Callum wants to say he’s sorry to Ben and for what he had to experience, but he knows how hollow condolences can be and how, in the end, they don’t change anything anyway. He settles on placing his hand on Ben’s forearm, covering his wrist bone with warm skin, and giving it a gentle squeeze. He clears his throat when Ben doesn’t shrug him off but instead turns his arm slightly so that Callum’s thumb is resting against the soft skin on the inside of Ben’s arm.

“Before I became a paramedic I was in the Army. I met this guy, Chris, at basic training and we just clicked immediately. He made everything feel so much lighter and we would talk for hours about everything and nothing. I wasn’t out then; I didn’t even want to think about it. I tried to fight it, deny it, but I knew there were feelings. He died in action. He died before I could even figure out what these feelings meant. I know it’s not the same, but I understand.”

He didn’t realize that he had started doing it, but sometime during his little story Callum had begun to rub his thumb gently up and down Ben’s skin, completely on autopilot. When he shifts his gaze from the tender gesture up into Ben’s eyes, he’s surprised by the soft, almost awed, look in them. They sit there for what feels like hours to Callum but what is probably just a few short moments, just taking in each other’s warm gazes and finding comfort in the sheer presence of the other, until Ben clears his throat and slides his arm out from under Callum’s hand.

He doesn’t miss Ben’s warmth or the feeling of soft skin underneath his hand, not at all.

Ben takes a swig of his coffee although it must be cold as ice by this point and goes to stand up, leaving Callum to sit alone on the weathered, grey stone.

“I should, um, get back to my shift. Lives to save and all that. So, um, yeah.”

He laughs a little awkwardly while he motions vaguely towards the hospital entrance looming just a few meters behind them, before turning his back to Callum and walking back towards the hospital without another word. Callum watches him leave with a strange feeling sitting deep in his gut that doesn’t seem to stop, even as he’s climbing into his Uber minutes later.

He has to remind himself again and again on his way home that he doesn’t like Ben Mitchell. Somehow, he fails every time.

[4]


“He didn’t say anything else? And you didn’t either?”, Whitney questions from her place in the driver’s seat right next to him.

They had spent a good portion of their shift today talking about that weird incident he had with Ben a couple of weeks ago at this point, although Callum had conveniently left out any mention of the bizarre feeling he’s been carrying around with him ever since.

Callum sighs for the umpteenth time that day, tired of rehashing every part of their conversation over and over again. He wants to forget about their talk, he wants to forget about Ben and he desperately wants to forget about the color of his eyes and how they looked that close to his own.

“No. And we haven’t seen each other since then.”

Callum is thankful for that. Really, he is. He doesn’t even want to think about how awkward it would be to see Ben again, after pretty much sharing their deepest wounds with each other. Realistically, he knows that seeing Ben again is inevitable; it’s not like he can choose to avoid Walford General for the remainder of his life let alone at work, but he’s just not ready for the embarrassment yet.

It definitely doesn’t have anything to do with certain feelings that could arise by seeing Ben again, because there are absolutely no feelings to be had by Callum.

He thinks it’s a bad sign when he can’t even convince himself of that anymore.

“I still can’t believe that Ben Mitchell is capable of having empathy, or feelings at all for that matter. Coming from anyone other than you, I wouldn’t believe it.”

He knows she’s only joking and that she doesn’t actually believe that Ben’s a robot without feelings, but he still feels strangely protective of the man all of a sudden. He wants to spring to his defense and argue that Ben is a human being, with a fucking tragic past to boot, but he doesn’t say anything. Because what would that look like? He doesn’t care about Ben and he surely doesn’t care about what other people say about him. Hell, a few weeks ago he himself had practically demonized Ben every chance he got and why exactly does that thought now fill him with shame and guilt?

He’s saved from continuing their conversation about Ben by their radio coming alive, announcing a little girl that got hit by a car on Albert Square. Callum informs dispatch that they’re taking on the call since they’re already in Walford anyway and Whitney turns on the siren even though the dispatcher informs them that the situation isn’t an emergency.

The drive to the scene doesn’t take longer than a few minutes and when they hop out of their ambulance Callum can already hear shouting coming from behind a haphazardly parked van. They take the few steps towards the commotion and Callum lets out a little curse at the sight of Ben, dressed in dark jeans and a leather jacket and kneeling next to a blonde girl in a bright pink, puffy jacket. He’s screaming at a man standing next to the white van, who doesn’t seem as apologetic as he should be, seeing as he had seemingly just hit a child with his car.

He shares a brief look with Whitney and she tilts her head at Ben, silently telling him to deal with the child while she defuses the argument; she’s better at that than Callum is. Ben must be completely furious because he doesn’t stop shouting at the man, even when Callum repeatedly calls his name. It’s only when he goes to inspect the wound on the girl’s head, who’s been silently watching the exchange between the two men, that Ben springs into action, darting out a hand to stop Callum from touching the girl.

“Hey, it’s alright. It’s just me, it’s Callum… Highway.”

The look in Ben’s eyes can only be compared to a lion trying to protect his cub and Callum reckons that might be the exact case right now. Ben relaxes slightly when he recognizes Callum and he takes his hand away, effectively letting Callum inspect the little girl’s head.

“This idiot hit her while reversing. She says she’s fine but I want her taken to hospital right now.”, Ben presses, eyes still wild and unfocused.

“Daddy, I'm fine. I’m not dizzy or sick. It’s just a scrape.”

Ben doesn’t seem convinced by what his daughter, and isn’t that a revelation in and of itself, says and just shakes his head, opening his mouth in what is probably going to be a lecture until Callum cuts him off before he can even start.

“What’s your name, darling?”

“Lexi.”

“Hi, Lexi. I’m Callum. I know your dad has probably told you all about this, but sometimes concussions are not obvious immediately and they can present differently in kids. So we will have to take you with us regardless. But we can turn on the siren if you want?”

Lexi regards him for a moment before scoffing slightly.

“I’m not a baby. I’m eleven.”

She says it with so much sass that Callum would definitely know she’s Ben’s daughter from that, had he not figured it out before. He lets out a little chuckle as he gets out the antiseptic from the emergency bag. The scrape on her head really is just a scrape, but the risk of concussion is still there and he would insist on taking her to hospital even if Ben hadn’t already agreed.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to treat you like a little kid. I have to clean your wound now though, it will sting a little, yeah?”

Lexi nods bravely, but she’s reaching out her hand at the same time, holding onto Ben’s arm tightly. It’s the same place Callum had placed his hand on just weeks prior and the memory jolts him a little, halting his practiced movements.

He tries to focus on the task at hand, not wanting to be too rough while cleaning Lexi’s wound, but he’s all too aware of Ben’s laser focus on him during the whole procedure. He’s avoiding any eye contact between them though; his stomach is already turning in on itself at seeing Ben so unexpectedly and he doesn’t think he can handle Ben’s bright, blue eyes boring into his own again right now.

“There, all done. You’ve been doing so great, Lexi. I’m just gonna put a band aid on the cut now, okay? Then we’ll get you and your dad in the ambulance and down to the hospital.”

He discards the used cotton ball and pulls out a white band aid from the box of plasters, unfurling the protective paper and sticking it carefully onto Lexi’s forehead. The cut will heal in a matter of days and normally, he would advise against a band aid, letting the air take care of the healing, but he feels like Ben and Lexi both need Callum to fuss over the little girl right now.

He’s just finishing in packing everything back together when Whitney falls into place beside him, the other man and his van long gone. Callum hadn’t even noticed, being so focused on both Lexi and Ben, and it’s unnerving to say the least. He should be paying attention to his job and his surroundings not some guy who just happens to be very distracting to Callum right now.

Whitney opens the door to the back of the ambulance, ready to strap Lexi and Ben in, when the blonde girl turns around to face her, looking a bit nervous.

“Can I maybe drive in the front? I’ve never been in an ambulance before.”

Callum can see Ben wanting to protest from beside him but Whitney only smiles at Lexi and nods in return. She’s always so amazing with kids and Callum is honestly a little jealous of that.

“Course you can. If your dad is alright with it? You’ll have to ride in the back though, Ben.”, she explains and Ben reluctantly agrees to let his daughter out of his sight for the duration of the journey.

Callum thinks he’s only doing it because he knows that Lexi is fine and in more than capable hands, but there’s still a slight hesitation when Ben steps into the back of the ambulance before him, Callum resolutely not looking at his ass being on full display while he climbs the stair into the back, and Callum joins him in the seat on the opposite side of the ambulance.

There’s a tense silence when they take off towards Walford General and they both catch each other’s eyes a few times until Ben heaves out a long sigh, like the anxiety from before is finally flowing out of his body.

“Thank you, Callum, seriously. I was going out of my mind there and you were great with her - and with me as a result.”

Ben lets out a little, humorless laugh at the end, though there’s still a tense set to his shoulders and some discomfort in his face. Callum just shrugs, he’s never been great at taking compliments and Ben of all people giving him one just amplifies that.

“I was just doing my job, really.”

“Well you’re really good at it.”

Ben gives him a small smile and it’s so unlike the Ben he’s known before that Callum doesn’t know how to react to it. He wants to say something, anything, but every word seems to die on the tip of his tongue. He’s steadfastly ignoring the fluttering in his stomach at Ben’s completely unguarded and open look, it’s just the adrenaline catching up with him anyway, he assures himself.

“You’re a good doctor as well. I know I never see you in full action but from what I’ve seen before you’re really good.”

Callum thinks he can see Ben’s cheeks taking on a slight, pink tint at that, but it may just be the shitty ambulance lights playing a trick on him. He’s wringing his hands together and Callum has seen him do that before, while listening to Whitney or Callum giving him the stats on a new patient. Like he’s itching to reach out and get to work right away.

Ben lets out a little self-deprecating laugh and tilts hit head at Callum. There’s mirth in his eyes and Callum understands he wants to come off as unbothered and teasing, but it feels fake; like it’s a mask Ben’s wearing to protect himself. And with that discovery, another puzzle piece that is Ben Mitchell falls into place for Callum.

“Yeah well, you’re probably the only one who thinks that.”

“That’s not true, Ben. I know not everyone gets you, but they all think you’re a brilliant doctor.”

Ben smiles shyly at him, nodding his head like he doesn’t actually believe what Callum is saying but he’s accepting the compliment regardless.

“You get me though.”

The silence stretches for a moment, but it’s not uncomfortable life before. Instead, it’s a charged silence, there’s a tension that neither of them had anticipated before. But it’s there and Callum wants to take it, wants to allow himself to take it and run with it. Because this Ben? This Ben is incredibly intriguing and a mystery Callum desperately wants to unravel.

Ben looks set to break the tension, opens his mouth to say something, and Callum is ready to hang onto every word, feeling like this could be it, this could be the shift in their relationship, when the ambulance comes to a stop and Whitney gives them the sign that they’ve arrived at the hospital.

It’s like they’re catapulted back into reality full force, the little bubble that had formed around them on the ride over here bursting into tiny pieces, floating away just out of reach, and Callum has to stump down on the disappointment he feels at watching Ben stepping out of the ambulance and into real life again.

There’s that strange feeling again, entering his stomach as he watches Ben grabbing his daughter’s hand in his, but for the first time he doesn’t ignore it or tries to reason it away. This time, he lets himself feel it and understands it for what it is. Attraction, curiosity and most of all a desperate need to see Ben again.

He thinks it’s progress.

[5]


The cut above his brow is irritating; there’s still a drip of blood running down from time to time but most of it thankfully was stilled by Whitney by now. There’s no point in even coming here, he certainly didn’t want to make this trip, but Whitney had insisted he go to the hospital to get it checked out. He was able to convince her to not bundle him in the ambulance and drive him here herself by promising her to get himself checked out, so he’s ready to spend the next five hours or so in the waiting room, ready to have some doctor confirm what he already knows.

He chose Walford General because of the proximity to his flat, really. It has nothing to do with Callum hoping that Ben is on shift today. Not at all.

He has just checked in with his favorite nurse at registration, Ms. Beale, who had informed him that she unfortunately couldn’t fast-track him because of his occupation, no matter how much she wanted to, and that he had to sit down in the waiting area with all the other people. He hadn’t found the guts to ask her if Ben is working today, too afraid of her wanting to know why he was asking about the man, when he hears his name being called.

“Callum?”

He looks up from the machine currently spewing out some coffee for him to pass the time to see Ben walking towards him, dressed in jeans and a soft-looking hoodie, black gym bag hanging from his right shoulder. He’s either on his way in or already ready to go home, which would just be Callum’s luck today.

“Hi.”

Ben’s face morphs into shocked surprise when he steps closer and takes in the angry, red wound on Callum’s head. He places his bag on the floor next to his feet and takes Callum’s chin between thumb and forefinger, tilting his head to get a better view at the laceration. His fingers are soft and warm against Callum’s skin and he’s so close to him that Callum feels like he can’t breathe, his heart hammering against his chest in a wild rhythm.

“What happened?”

“It’s nothing. Just some guy, who freaked out in the ambulance. He pushed me and I hit my head against one of the cabinets. It’s barely bleeding anymore but Whitney threatened me to get it looked at.”

Ben’s looking up at him while Callum explains what happened and he never noticed the height difference between them and even that is making his stomach flip. He’s trying hard not to think about whether Ben would have to step on his toes to kiss him, but it’s hard to avoid thinking about it when his eyes are so earnest and clear and Callum feels like he could get lost in them if he isn’t careful.

Ben nods before releasing Callum’s chin from his hold, only leaving behind the ghost of his touch on Callum’s skin. He’s walking the few steps to the registration desk, his bag still lying in front of Callum’s feet and he can hear him talking to Ms. Beale loud and clear from where he’s standing just behind them.

“I’m taking care of this. Which room is empty?”

Ms. Beale raises her eyebrows at Ben, darting a quick glance to Callum before looking back at Ben. There’s a small smirk making its way onto her face and Callum feels like he’s missing something important here.

“It’s not like you to pick favorites. Especially when your shift is supposed to be over.”

Her tone is playful, almost teasing, and Callum can only see the back of Ben’s figure but he bets the younger man is rolling his eyes at her remark.

His focus though is on the fact that Ben is supposed to leave and go home, his shift apparently having ended already, but he’s choosing to stay in order to look after him. He’s staying for Callum. It makes hope bloom in his chest, because surely this must mean something, right?

But then again, maybe Ben is the type of doctor to stay even after hours to check on someone he knows personally.

“Mum”, he lets out an exasperated sigh, “what room?”

He thinks he misheard him, but Ben is literally only a few feet away from him and he did hear the rest of their conversation loud and clear, though somehow the information that Ms. Beale is apparently Ben’s mother won’t connect in his brain. He’s never known and Whitney had never said anything alluding to it either. She must not know, but why keep it a secret?

“Take the 3.”

Ms. Beale is shaking her head slightly, but she’s looking, first at her son and then at Callum, with a knowing smile, obviously not too bothered about this clear breach of protocol. Ben lays one of his hands on the desk in a thankful gesture, before turning towards Callum again and beckoning him to follow, picking up his gym bag on the way down the corridor.

He’s leading Callum into one of the examination rooms and motions for him to sit on the gurney positioned on the wall opposite of the door, next to a set of drawers. Callum watches him as he’s pushing up the sleeves of his grey hoodie and disinfects his hands and it feels oddly intimate to see Ben completely in his element for what is really the first time since they’ve met each other.

“Do you have a headache or feel sick?”

“I don’t have a concussion, Ben. It’s just a bruise.”, he sighs. He’s been through this with Whitney already. He knows that you can’t be too careful with concussions, of course he does, but he’s fine. Honestly.

Ben steps in front of him to shine a light onto the wound and with Callum sitting down he’s now towering over him. Callum can see the freckles speckled all around his nose from here, can almost count them all, and if he concentrates, he can feel the fan of his breath against his forehead as Ben leans in to inspect the wound.

“I’m guessing Whitney cleaned the wound already from the looks of it. It’s pretty deep, though. I can glue it if you want to.”

“Yeah, okay.”

Callum doesn’t particularly want to have the cut glued together, a simple band aid would be fine by him, but he wants to keep Ben close to him and he’s not ready to let him go again so soon already. He didn’t think he’d see him today, although he had definitely hoped he would, and now that he’s here, standing in-between Callum’s legs with soft fingers trailing over his skin, he doesn’t want him to leave.

Ben steps away to get everything he needs out of the cupboards next to the gurney and Callum misses the warmth that had radiated off of him immediately. He’s quiet as he’s getting to work on the cut, cleaning it again just to be safe, and Callum was never really good with silence, especially when he feels like Ben can practically hear his heart beating so loudly in his chest.

“So… Ms. Beale is your mum?”

Ben sighs like he had hoped that Callum had not heard that particular part of their conversation, but he answers regardless.

“Yeah. I have my dad’s name though, so it’s not that obvious. I wouldn’t want to add claims of nepotism to the list of things people gossip about.”

Callum nods at that. He understands what Ben means, has heard enough stories about who Ben Mitchell supposedly is over the years and he’s not stupid enough to believe every single one he hears. It must be hard knowing that everything about you is always being dissected and talked about, from your age and your sexuality to every nuance of your character. It chips away at you little by little and Callum’s not surprised that Ben feels like he has to pretend to be this hard man at work to escape it all.

“Family of hospital workers, is it?”

Ben lets out a little huff at that, but he’s not meeting Callum’s eyes; his entire focus on the cut he’s still cleaning.

“Family of criminals more like. My dad has always wanted me to join the ‘Mitchell criminal empire’, but I like helping people, not killing them. He’s still disappointed in me, can you believe that? Other parents would be chuffed their son’s a doctor but not my old man.”

“My dad’s an abusive alcoholic, who likes to pretend I never existed since I came out.”

He doesn’t know what makes him share so much of his life with Ben, things about his dad, the Army, Chris, but somehow talking to Ben feels easy. And he trusts him. With almost everything at this point and isn’t that a change in their dynamic.

“We should start a club. ‘Dad’s biggest disappointments’.”

The chuckle he lets out at that is small but real. He has long stopped caring about what his father thinks of him and his life; he knows they’ll never see eye to eye and at this point his life is better without his dad in it.

Knowing Ben’s difficulties with his own father makes him appreciate the fierceness he saw when Ben’s daughter was hurt even more now. He’s obviously trying to avoid making the same mistakes with his own child and Callum thinks it’s very noble of him. He can always appreciate people trying to break the cycle.

“It’s nice to see you be a better one. I could tell.”

Ben shifts his gaze down to look into Callum’s eyes for the first time since he started treating him and Callum hopes he can see the sincerity reflected in his own. Whatever he finds must be reassuring because Ben give him a bright smile; one, that transforms his entire face and Callum really wants to continue making him smile like that, because it’s a sight to behold.

“Well, it’s not hard. She means the world to me.”

He reckons Ben can see the question in Callum’s face. The one, he’s too afraid to ask out loud because it’s not his place at all to pose it. He’s been wondering ever since he had found out that Ben has a daughter how she fits into the timeline of his life. He knows Ben’s had a boyfriend before and Callum also knows that sexuality is fluid and can evolve and change over time, but he knows that Ben identifies as gay now. He must not conceal the gears turning in his head very well, because Ben clearly decides to take pity on him.

“It was a one night stand with a mate when I was very, very confused. I don’t regret it though, cause it gave me Lexi. Me and Lo are pretty great at this co-parenting thing now.”

“Well, I’m glad she’s got you. You obviously adore her.”

Ben gives him another blinding smile and Callum really likes how he looks when he’s talking about his daughter. Seeing Ben being so open and smiling so widely, it’s hard to remember that Callum used to not like him, used to find him arrogant and irritating, but he thinks that’s what you get when you judge a book by its cover and don’t even try to turn the pages.

“Thanks. You made a lasting impression on her as well, you know. She wants to be a paramedic now. Aside from becoming a princess of course.”

“Of course.”

It fills his heart with warmth knowing that Lexi remembered him and even more that he inspired her to want to be a paramedic as well. He knows that kids tend to change their mind about what they want to be when they grow up about a million times, but then again, he was younger than she is now when he decided to become a paramedic and that wish had stuck with him in the end.

“Alright, all done. It’ll probably sting for a few days but you’re good to go.”

Ben’s peeling off his gloves and throwing them in the in the bin by the door before giving the wound above Callum’s brow a final examination, apparently deeming the result good enough.

“Thank you, seriously. You saved me from spending an eternity in the waiting room tonight. You didn’t have to do that, I know your shift ended ages ago.”

Ben just shrugs, a teasing smile on his lips as he silently watches Callum for a moment.

“It’s all good. The company could’ve been worse.”

Callum is a bit rusty, okay a lot rusty at this point, but even he can see that Ben’s flirting with him now. And Callum really doesn’t want to pretend that he’s not interested in Ben anymore, doesn’t think he can live with himself if he walked out the door now without taking this chance, even if Ben isn’t actually interested in him as anything more than a friend or someone to share the burden of their jobs with.

For once, he’s listening to his heart first and his heart is screaming at him to kiss Ben, while he’s still so close to him and his eyes look as warm and inviting as his lips seem to be. So Callum closes the few centimeters between them and presses his lips onto Ben’s soft ones.

There’s no reaction from Ben for a second and it’s almost enough to make Callum pull back and apologize for reading the situation wrong, until Ben makes a noise in the back of his throat and threads his fingers into Callum’s hair, opening his mouth and kissing him back in earnest. His own hands surge up to frame Ben’s neck and his thumbs are pressing against Ben’s jaw as they’re exchanging kiss after kiss.

Ben runs his tongue over his bottom lip and Callum is helpless to do anything but grant him access, the little moans and sighs escaping Ben’s mouth too delicious in his ears to deny him anything as long as he keeps making them. There’s a fire burning deep in Callum’s gut and his heart is thumping hard against his chest, happy that he’s finally allowing himself to feel this, but he’s more preoccupied with the feeling of their mouths sliding together and the tightening grip Ben’s hands have in his hair.

He wants to keep kissing Ben, maybe forever if every kiss feels like these ones, and he makes an embarrassing sound he’ll deny making for the rest of his life when Ben eventually backs away, his teeth biting at Callum’s bottom lip as he goes.

There’s a beat where they’re only staring at each other, breaths heaving and faces equally dazed, before Ben gives him a small, private smile that, combined with the look in his eyes, says everything Callum needs to know about this definitely being a reciprocated thing.

Ben tips his forehead forward to rest against Callum’s and his hands are loosening their vice grip on Callum’s hair in order to trail down his face until they’re cupping both of his cheeks and the gesture is so much more intimate than any kiss could ever be.

“Sorry, that was so unprofessional of me.”, Callum whispers, not wanting to disturb the tender moment by being too loud.

“I just played favorites and treated you in civilian clothing, although my shift ended over an hour ago at this point. We passed unprofessionalism a while ago, I reckon.”

He takes a step away from Callum, but he reaches out to grab one of Callum’s hands while he does it, so Callum only feels a little disappointed at the growing distance between their bodies, when Ben continues.

“But we probably shouldn’t keep occupying this room only to make out in it. No matter how much I wanna keep doing exactly that.”

Callum is glad that the feeling is mutual for Ben and that they’re seemingly on the same page about this. And it’s not like he can blame Ben for trying to shoo him out of the room. There are people waiting out there, who are actually sick or hurt and they can’t stay here and kiss each other for the rest of the night.

Ben lets go off Callum’s hand to throw away any rubbish and grab his bag from the floor, knowing the nurses will take care of anything else he missed just now, before motioning his head at the door, Callum following right behind him. Ben pauses with his hand on the door handle, turning around and planting another firm kiss on Callum’s lips, as if he doesn’t want to say goodbye without having kissed him again.

When he leans back again, they’re both smiling like idiots and Ben reaches out for Callum’s hand again, running his thumb over the back of his hand.

“Do you wanna, maybe, go out with me some time?”

Callum thinks he can detect a note of uncertainty, of nervousness, in the question and he asks himself how Ben can be so blind as to not realize and see how totally gone for him Callum really is. Instead, he squeezes the warm, calloused hand that’s firmly laying in his own and leans down slightly to press just a short peck onto Ben’s mouth.

“Yeah. Yeah, definitely.”

[+1]


It takes them a whole three weeks to find a date where both of their schedules align in a way that gives them a night off on the same day and allows them to set up a proper first date. There had been texts and some phone calls over these past three weeks, where they got to know each other even more, and they had seen each other at work one or two times, but hadn’t been able to talk in person.

Whitney had squealed when Callum told her about the kiss, had reckoned that she had known they would get together at some point ever since their first interaction with each other, but Callum had to thwart her by reminding her that they hadn’t even been on a date yet so they weren’t together together. Ms. Beale hadn’t said anything outright to him, the few times Callum had talked to her since the day him and Ben had shared their first kiss, but she had squeezed his arm in a way that told him she knew about them the first time they had seen each other afterwards.

Callum was worried that the spark and the excitement would be gone after this prolonged period of waiting when they eventually had their date, but that isn’t the case at all.

They had chosen a nice Italian restaurant for their date, not too fancy but not too casual either, their table on the little patio outside canopied by fairy lights and thick trees, and Callum’s pretty sure that he’s never been on a better first date in his life. He was nervous at the beginning, of course he was, but it had dissipated pretty quickly and they had been laughing and stealing bites of each other’s food like this wasn’t their first date but rather like they’ve been together forever.

It’s nice. And Callum genuinely doesn’t want it to end.

“So does Lexi still want to be a paramedic when she’s older?”

He’s still smug about it. More so, because Ben’s grumbled about not being the one she wants to take after on the phone the other night, but he knows it’s all in jest and that Ben just wants her to do whatever she wants to do later in life.

“She does. She keeps asking me all these questions about it that I can’t answer, so I reckon you’ll have to come over at some point and be questioned by her.”

Callum doesn’t miss the thinly-veiled invitation to Ben’s home hiding behind the words and he’s thankful for the candle and fairy lights for masking the blush that has probably been adorning his face for the entirety of their date tonight. There had been quite a few of these insinuations from both of them over the course of the evening; little wait until you experience my cooking or you’ve never been to the Shard? We’ll have to go there next time.

It makes Callum feel giddy with excitement knowing that they’re heading in the right direction and that they’re heading there together.

“I guess I have to. Where is she today?”

“With her mum. She’s married to my best mate and they live close by.”

“Oh, that’s nice.”

Callum watches Ben take another bite of the chocolate cake that’s complimentary for dessert here at the restaurant and he looks so relaxed and happy that Callum can’t help but smile at him, completely enraptured with the man sitting in front of him. Ben looks good, really good, in black skinny jeans and a black dress shirt with the sleeves rolled up, exposing his forearms. And Callum really doesn’t understand how he was able to convince himself that Ben wasn’t his type for so long.

Ben leans back in his chair and stares back at him for a moment, matching the small smile on Callum’s face with an absolutely devastating one of his own.

“I’m having a really good time with you, Callum. When I’m not working crazy hours at the hospital I’m trying to spend as much time as possible with Lexi, so I don’t get to do this that often. But it’s very nice, so thank you.”

Callum takes a swig of his wine, looking at Ben over the rim of his glass. He likes watching Ben squirm when his heartfelt declarations aren’t immediately met with an answer by him, not in a malicious way of course, it’s just fun to be the one that’s doing the teasing for once.

“Pleasure is all mine. Believe me.”

“Good. Cause I’m pretty sure we’ve already established we wanna do this again, right? Don’t think I can wait another three weeks for it though.”

Callum’s laughing in response; he remembers the many messages from Ben, begging for it to be the day of their date and always being disappointed when it wasn’t, vividly, but he knows that it’s pretty much out of their hands when their second date is eventually going to happen. It’s surprisingly hard to co-ordinate two packed schedules that belong to medical workers and there’s the added factor of parents evening and dance practices for Ben to juggle with.

He’s just chuffed that there is going to be a second date at all.

“I could always sweep you away for a quick lunch date? I’m sure we’ll figure something out.”

Ben’s grinning back at him, obviously not averse to that suggestion, but his face changes in an instant and Ben clears his throat like he’s suddenly nervous, starting to fiddle with the napkin in front of him. It’s a mood whiplash that Callum didn’t expect and he’s really worried that he just said something wrong, that he just ruined their date.

“I, um, I really wanted to apologize. For how I acted before. Since we met, I mean.”

Callum breathes a sigh of relief, thankful that he didn’t ruin their date at all. He simply shrugs at Ben; as far as he’s concerned their past is past. It doesn’t count. What matters is their future now.

“I gave as good as I got if I remember correctly.”

“Still, I’m sorry. What my dad says, what the nurses are gossiping, it still affects me. I always think that if I try to act as cold and distanced as possible then I don’t have to be vulnerable.”

“Everyone’s vulnerable. You don’t have to pretend to be someone you’re not to live up to some imaginary expectation. I get that being a young doctor is hard, but you don’t have to prove yourself to anybody. Certainly not to your dad. I told you before, Ben, everyone knows you’re a great doctor.”

The look on Ben’s face right now is so tender and warm, the fairy lights above them only adding to the almost romantic feel right now, and he reaches over to Callum’s side of the table to tangle their hands together, letting them sit perfectly middle between their bodies. He’s brushing his thumb over Callum’s where they’re resting over each other, Callum feeling the callouses that come from years of handling scalpels and forceps and the feeling of it is a lot.

“You know, if you ever get tired of being a paramedic, you’d make a good counselor.”

He knows that Ben’s trying to change the topic by being funny and for once he’s letting him. It’s only their first date after all and they’ve already done more soul-searching together beforehand than most actual couples do in a year.

“I choose to take this as a compliment. Should we get the bill?”

Callum’s reluctant in suggesting it, because he really doesn’t want their date to end and to say goodnight to Ben, but he’s noticed that they’re the only ones left on the patio and that the waitress keeps giving them these impatient looks. Ben must’ve noticed as well, because he doesn’t look put out at Callum’s ask, although he’s slow to let go off Callum’s hand again.

“Alright. Let me nip to the loo and I’ll get it on the way back.”

“Oh, is that what it’s going to be like dating a hot shot doctor?”

“Why? You only with me for the money?”, Ben asks and the way he comically lifts one of his eyebrows is enough for Callum to crack up, destroying his mask of faux seriousness.

“Nah, just the looks.”

Ben’s laughing as well while he passes Callum on his way into the restaurant, trailing his fingers over Callum’s arm in passing and leaving goosebumps in his wake.

When Ben comes back from inside, he reaches his hand out for Callum to take, leading them out from the patio and onto the moonlit street in front of the restaurant. They’re walking slowly towards the strip of parking spaces, where Ben had parked his car earlier, but Callum can feel Ben slow down the closer they get to it, almost like he wants to drag out every moment so they’re spending as much time together as possible.

They reach Ben’s car in silence, hands still joined between them, and Ben turns around and leans against the black metal, his other hand darting out to find Callum’s unoccupied one. He’s looking up at Callum in a calculating way, like he’s thinking about what his next move should be, and Callum is willing to give him all the time in the world to figure it out. If only for the few more moments it gets him with Ben in front of him, warm hands in his own like they were meant to be held by each other.

“Would it be too forward of me to invite you back to my place on the first date?”

Callum’s biting his bottom lip in deliberation, gaze dropping down to the lips he’s wanted to kiss again so badly for three weeks straight now, and he knows there’s no way he’s letting Ben go tonight. Maybe not ever.

“It would be, yeah. But considering I couldn’t think about anything else but you these past few weeks, I’d definitely say yes.”

He doesn’t give Ben much time to react, too preoccupied with tugging him forward by their joined hands so that he can capture his lips in a deep kiss, hoping to convey just how on board he is with Ben’s suggestion.

His heart is still beating wildly against his chest with every kiss and every touch they share and Callum reckons, hopes even, that that’ll just be the permanent state of his body now whenever he’s with Ben. 

He’ll gladly take the tachycardia.