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After everything, Adora still had to get used to wanting.
It wasn’t exactly that Adora had never wanted anything in her life; in fact, it turns out that she had wanted something almost her entire life, or rather someone . Adora learned that wanting was the way her breath caught every time Catra’s hand brushed against hers, the way her heart beat faster when Catra’s face got close to hers, the way time seemed to slow down and speed up all at once when they lay in bed together, talking the night away. The problem wasn’t that she didn’t want, the problem was that she was so burdened by responsibility, so determined to save everyone, that what everyone wanted from her was more important, that if everyone else wanted it from her, shouldn’t she want it too? After all, no one had ever asked her what she wanted before, so it probably shouldn’t matter.
At least, no one asked until Catra.
“What do you want, Adora?” Even then Adora found herself searching not for the true answer to that question, but the right one, the one that would mend what she seemed to have broke, the one that would make Catra stay. But the truth was what she wanted was what Shadow Weaver and Light Hope would call an inconvenience, an obstacle in the way of her becoming the hero she needed to be. And as much as she wanted to believe that she was now her own person, that she was free from the influence of Light Hope and Shadow Weaver and the idea that she had some grand destiny to fulfill, she couldn’t let go of the idea that what she wanted was not important. So she couldn’t let herself answer, she couldn’t let Catra know that what she wanted was her . What she needed to be was more important.
She let Catra leave.
After everything, Catra still had to get used to the fact that what she wanted was what she had now, and not what she had thought she wanted before.
For a long time, Catra convinced herself that she wanted power, and once she had power (more power than Adora, more power than Shadow Weaver thought she could have, enough to show everyone they were wrong) it wouldn’t matter if she didn’t have anything else. But having all of the power felt empty, it was not being able to sleep because the guilt of what you had done to get there drives you mad, it was having everyone who claims to care about you leave, it was looking at yourself in the mirror and not recognizing the person staring back at you. The thing about the power was getting it had made her into a person that she hated, a person that she didn’t think deserved to live. No one had ever shown her an alternative to being what she had become, right?
At least, no one but Adora.
“Adora doesn’t want me. Not like I want her.” Catra felt something in the pit of her stomach when she said that, something that made her words ring just a little bit hollow. She didn’t understand what it was until she was looking at Adora’s awed expression after she said she loved her. Adora loved her back. Adora wanted her, despite everything, and something inside Catra always knew the truth; she was just too afraid to let herself believe it. A part of Catra always thought Adora would give up the people she loved in the name of duty, and by the end, Catra was willing to let her. But Catra, for once in her life, didn’t want to let Adora leave without a fight.
This time, Adora stayed.
Adora still doesn’t like to make decisions.
She will admit, though, it doesn’t feel as bad when the decisions aren’t life or death. But it still doesn’t make it any easier when Catra is asking what she wants for dinner for the millionth time and won’t accept the answer of “whatever you want.” This wasn’t exactly a rare occurrence in their planetary road trip, but in this specific case Adora was overwhelmed with the options the food stalls on Kadara had to offer. She ended up stopping at a random stall and buying the first thing she saw, just to get Catra off her back, and found that she actually enjoyed what she had picked in her blind frenzy. She could feel Catra’s eyes on her as she spooned what seemed to be some sort of soup into her mouth.
“Hey Adora,” Catra says in a tone of voice that Adora could only associate with trouble. Adora raises an eyebrow as she continues to shovel the soup into her mouth. “Did you happen to look at what was in that soup before you started eating it?”
Adora turns to look at the menu on the stall behind her trying frantically to notice anything out of the ordinary. By the time she realizes Catra was up to something, her soup was no longer in her hands and already being inhaled by someone who was not her . Before Adora realizes that tackling someone with a bowl of liquid in their hands is probably a bad idea, her and Catra are already on the floor of the market, covered in soup, and she has her girlfriend pinned to the ground to grab the spoon out of her hands. It isn’t long before they realize the stares they are getting from the shoppers around them, and Adora blushes with embarrassment. Catra just stares back at her, a smile beginning to form on her lips, as they both burst into hysterical laughter. They don’t stop until Bow and Glimmer find them a few minutes later, seemingly unsurprised at the situation they have found Adora and Catra in.
Adora thinks maybe she can make one decision after all, maybe she can choose to be happy.
Catra still has nightmares.
Sometimes they’re the same ones she had when she was still with the Horde, before the war was over. Flashes of Adora’s face when she pulled the lever, how it felt to be half corrupted by the portal, Entrapta and Scorpia’s faces when she sent Entrapta to Beast Island. But there were new, and worse nightmares. She can still feel pain in her neck where the chip used to be, and it almost throbs when her nightmares make her relive Horde Prime’s lackeys cutting her hair and embedding into her skin. The nightmare always has the same progression: she feels the chip go into her neck and then nothing, until Adora is standing in front of her and the real Catra that is shackled inside her mind by Horde Prime’s brainwashing is screaming to get out.
The fight with Adora is still a blur, even in dreams. She feels prisoner in a body that is going against her every desire to reach out and hold Adora, to be held. Even when she breaks through for long enough to return Adora’s embrace, the chip takes control to drag her claws down Adora’s back. Adora’s pained shout is what shakes Catra awake, shaking and panting. As Catra forces herself to slow her breathing she feels Adora’s eyes on her.
“The same nightmare again?” Adora has obvious concern in her voice, and Catra feels her first instinct to retreat within herself, brush Adora off and turn over in bed to go back to her fitful sleep. But when Adora takes her hand and squeezes, Catra returns the gesture, and her and Adora have done this long enough for Adora to know what Catra needs without her saying it. They wordlessly shift positions so Catra is enveloped in Adora’s arms, and they both quickly fall back asleep.
Catra doesn’t have nightmares the rest of the night.
Adora cuts Catra’s hair.
Catra would barely let Adora touch her hair for months after they rescued her from Horde Prime’s ship, and Adora could feel her flinch every time Adora’s hand brushed against the back of her neck. It was something that was left unspoken, but Adora understood that Catra still felt the pain she felt on Horde Prime’s ship, even if it wasn’t physically. Catra sometimes gave Adora bits and pieces of her experience, but Adora knew that she would never probably know the full story, and that was ok, because, while her and Catra shared a lot, there were some things that they had to work through on their own.
A few months after their year long trek around the galaxy, Catra came into their room with a pair of scissors and asked Adora to cut her hair. By this point Catra’s hair had grown a little past her shoulders, and her choppy and uneven ends were and endless source of teasing from Glimmer, but Adora found it charming.
“How short do you want it?” Adora asks, accepting that Catra wouldn’t have asked if she wasn’t sure.
“The shortest it’s ever been.” Catra replies.
So Adora drags a chair into the large bathroom connected to their room, and sits Catra down in front of the mirror as she slowly gets to work on her hair.
“Stop thinking so much, you’ll hurt yourself.” Catra is clearly exasperated with Adora as she carefully measures the ends of Catra’s hair to see if they are even.
Adora simply smiles and continues as if Catra hadn’t said anything. Catra sighs, but she doesn’t make any further complaints. When Adora is finished, she turns Catra to face the mirror proudly, and smiles widely at Catra’s reflection.
“I guess that will do,” Catra tries to remain emotionless, but can’t hide the small smile that forms on her lips. Catra’s eyes flit upwards to look at Adora’s elated expression, and her smile gets bigger. “Thank you,” Catra’s eyes flicker downwards, and she pauses, as if there is more she wants to say, but can’t find the words. Adora understands, though. She understand that this was more for Catra than just a haircut, it was reclaiming a part of herself, and Adora can’t contain her happiness as she lifts Catra off the chair, ignoring Catra’s halfhearted protests, and carries her into the bedroom littering her face with kisses as she drops Catra on the bed and jumps on. Catra is laughing now, tears of laughter forming in the corners of her eyes as Adora looks at her, beaming.
“I love you, you idiot,” Catra says as her laughter stops.
“I love you too,” Adora leans in for a kiss.
Catra kisses back.