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You knew what would happen the moment they stepped through your front door. Bundles of blankets, popcorn with a smiling Changmin front and centre showing off the latest horror dvd for your (dis)pleasure. He was dressed in an oversized cream hoodie and khaki joggers. The comfy attire that was paired with a light denim jacket went perfectly with his tousled hair.
It hadn’t always been like this. Despite all the boys following you to university, it was Changmin who seemed to fall off the face of the earth. Not literally – but he ignored your existence the day you stepped foot on campus.
It took a long time for any interaction between you. The guy that grew up in the house next door to you – attended all your birthday parties, held your hand when you fell off your bike, helped build a tree house with your dad for you – had followed you to college without a word. Neither you or the boys could figure out why. Although, they had made a conscious effort to try and leave you alone in a room together sometimes which wasn’t awkward at all.
Yet, things between the two of you hadn’t been the same since that night. It was like something had clicked in his brain. At a random party, you were dancing with Jacob, letting loose after a few rum and cokes. The liquid confidence heightened your attention that was caught by someone else. The way he moved so gracefully to the obnoxious beat of the most popular song on the charts that weekend. But, most notably, you noticed his eyes - Changmin was focused on you.
And in the two months since that party, he made a conscious effort to grab your attention. He’d sit next to you in psychology, despite his major being film – it was his “effort to expand his horizons”. It had felt like the last two years of your questionable friendship had disappeared.
But it felt different.
The boys knew how you felt. How you were disappointed when he ignored your message to join them for your first night out. When he missed out on your late-night drives that became a boys’ tradition in your first year of university. They never said anything, and neither did you. But they knew. And they tried their best to try and fill the void.
Just seeing his cheeky grin as you opened the door flooded your mind with memories of when he had cared. And he was back, and only he knew that he wasn’t going anywhere.
Doubting most interactions put a slight distance between you two – you were too afraid that he’d cut you off again if you got too close.
He noticed this too. But you never caught the hurt look that washed over his features when you pulled away or went to talk to someone else. But he didn’t blame you – he hurt you more than this and he was going to try as best he could to fix it.
Your interactions were purely in public settings – in class, in the library or even at your favourite coffee shop where he happened to be a few people in front of you and remembered to order your large oat milk mocha with an extra shot of espresso. Although such gestures pulled at your emotions, you caught yourself before you were drawn back in with no way out except heartbreak.
This was his first time at your apartment. Living with Jaehyun and Younghoon meant that the rest of the boys were around often or you were at theirs. But Changmin was rarely invited and that was mostly because of you. That and Hoon swore that he would never allow any negative energy to enter under his roof – it was his way of telling you he cared.
Your rather minimal living room was now covered in blankets, pillows and all sorts of snacks. Each person that came into the house also entered holding a sleeping bag and a rucksack of clothes – it was cute to see how excited they all were for a sleepover.
But you were far from excited. You warned Hyun beforehand to keep a Jaehyun sized space between you and the boy you hoped wouldn’t break your heart… again.
So, you were sat on a two-person sofa at the tail end of the chaos next to Jaehyun and luckily, Changmin sat between Haknyeon and Eric ready to watch his favourite movie of all time.
Opposite you sat Kevin with a backward facing Jacob as he rested his head on Kevin’s shoulder, headphones in and book in hand. Hmm, could I get out this by doing the same?
Scattered on the floor were Sangyeon, Younghoon, Hyunjoon and Chanhee all wrapped in blankets. Sunwoo and Juyeon entered from the kitchen and settling in front of your sofa.
A breath that you were unaware of finally exhaled out of your lungs and you looked at Juyeon who held out an opened can of spiked iced tea which you welcomed with a small smile. Juyeon discreetly mouthed words of reassurance to you which helped your breathing get back to normal.
Pull yourself together! He is sat as far away as he can be right now!
A warmth spread over your fingers as Jaehyun’s hand found yours with a small squeeze. You were so lucky to have best friends that care about you – you weren’t about to let his presence ruin your night.
As the movie began, you felt the atmosphere shift from a room full of 12 very intimidating men at first sight, to a mixture of quivering, limb grabbing scaredy-cats with a side of Jacob crying at his latest Pixar film and Changmin with hiss eyes wide excitedly at what was happening on screen.
The boys continuously shifted around one another to whoever was going to bring them the most comfort in that moment. Legs were being yanked, arms almost pulled out of sockets, and you hadn’t let go of Jaehyun’s hand since he squeezed it almost an hour ago.
Without you realising, Changmin had snuck out of his seat and crawled his way over to your sofa assuming Sunwoo’s position as the boy had pretty much jumped into Juyeon’s lap after the first scene.
Changmin saw the opportunity and took it.
You, on the other hand, hadn’t noticed. You were trying hard not to be scared and the vodka in your can hadn’t quite set in just yet. Your eyes were trained on the screen alone.
Half way through the film, Changmin turned around to look directly at you. His once excited eyes shifted to something much more mysterious. It took you a few moments to realise that you were the culprit of this situation.
Your hands were no longer clinging to Hyun but to the hood of Changmin’s sweatshirt. The soft material was bundled around your shaking fists bringing slight comfort despite you not realising its owner.
Jaehyun’s movements off the sofa and toward the bathroom dawned the reality of the situation. Jolting away, you shifted in your seat to block out Changmin’s curious eyes.
A sudden wave of confidence took over and Changmin found himself in place of Jaehyun on the sofa next to you. It was almost impossible to ignore but you kept your eyes focused on the screen.
Just focus on the movie. Hyun will be back in no time and will kick up a fuss about losing his seat.
But the devil was already making his way over to the arm rest next to Jacob to make sure he was doing okay. He had completely neglected his position as protector of your personal space and was completely unapologetic with the shrug he sent your way when he felt holes burning into the back of his head.
Traitor.
Attempting to get back into the movie, you had drained the contents of the can and felt slightly tingly – Juyeon must’ve been very generous with his measurements tonight.
It wasn’t a scene in the movie, but the screams coming from around the room that made you jump out of your skin and land face first into the closest human you could find. And that happened to be Ji Changmin.
It was like one of those cliché movie moments where time moves slowly and the protagonist realises what they had done after at least 7 seconds.
Attempting to pull away as quickly as possible, you tried to stand up but a hand grabbed yours quick enough before it became a commotion and gaged everyone’s attention.
You were pulled to fit snuggly into his side as his palm rested contently on your waist and your head on his chest. His overwhelming scent brought back nostalgic memories that had been hidden for years.
When you hurt your finger attempting to help build your tree house with him and your dad, he grabbed your hand tightly rubbing it to take away the pain. The gesture saying I’ve got you.
When kids in your class used to make fun of you and make you a human punching bag covered in food, Changmin would be there in an instant hiding your small frame from the big bullies. His hand holding your wrist behind him with reassurance of I’ve got you.
As the emotions began to overwhelm you, your eyes trailed up his chest to look into his own. His golden irises were clouded with an undetectable emotion but the light smile that fell onto his lips said enough. You were locked into place, any part of your body that was touching his felt like it was on fire from the surge of adrenaline that wasn’t there moments ago.
His hand came up to brush your hair behind your ear as it fell into your eyes and his eyes searched your panicked expression.
But his next words brought your heart up into your throat and you wanted to run away.
“Don’t worry, I’ve got you.”
Within minutes you were in your room with the door locked and staring out your window. Your thoughts became blurry as you stood teary eyed watching the world go by. You could hear the commotion outside of your door as the guys wondered what was going on. You just about heard Younghoon usher the boys away reminding to give you the space you need and that you’d come out when you were ready.
But your blood still buzzed because you knew there was still someone by the door waiting patiently for you to open it again. For you to open your arms and welcome him back – but he knew that wouldn’t be the case, not for a long time.
30 minutes had passed when you unlocked the door to sneak into the kitchen to grab a glass of water and painkillers to get rid of the migraine that was building. Yet, as you opened the door, you found a disheartened Changmin sat with his back against the wall with the items you were looking for on the floor beside him.
Your sudden presence broke his quiet daze as his head snapped up at the light source. Your silhouette just blocking enough light that he could comprehend his thoughts.
“I guess we need to talk.”
He slowly rose to his feet with the necessary items in hand and nodded following you into your room.
The silence was almost deafening as minutes went by without either of you saying anything. You locked the door again to warn away unwanted visitors. The painkillers were sluggishly starting to set in as you placed your half empty glass on your dresser.
Turning to face him, you stopped at his appearance. The glowing coming from the string of lights that adorned your walls lit up the side of his face. He held a picture frame in hand that he gripped with more emotion than you could imagine – a now empty space left on your bedside table alongside your favourite books and the lucky crystals your mum had bought you for a positive first day of university.
It hit you that he remembered you had always kept your dearest things close to you – this happened to be your dearest things at this moment in time.
Yet, it shocked him that an object you held dearest included a framed picture of the two of you hugging and laughing – you were sat on the balcony of your treehouse as the remnants of your “goodbye and good luck” party ensued beneath you. Four days before you left for university. And the final day that you were reassured that the guy in your arms would be in that exact position forever.
He left that night with a tearful promise to see you tomorrow. An empty promise that was never fulfilled despite your best attempts.
Changmin was holding the frame against his chest as though if he put it back down he’d never see it again.
It was like the air had been knocked out of your lungs seeing him like that… so hurt, so broken, and so apologetic. And he wasn’t even looking at you yet.
But he broke the silence anyway.
“I’m sorry.” He sat on your bed with the frame still against his chest because if he let it go it would vanish. And suddenly, you were transported back to two years ago. The night he cried in your childhood bedroom during the party where everyone was saying goodbye to you. It seemed so out of the blue, you would literally see each other the next day. But Changmin knew something you didn’t.
“You were just so happy and smiling back there, what happened? Don’t do this now, Cha-”
“I vowed to distance myself from you that night.” He breathed deeply as a tear rolled down his face. You were still stood by the door, your hand on the same glass you went to place down minutes ago. You were silent - maybe tonight would be the night he finally explained what happened between you.
Changmin’s head slowly lifted to look at you, to reassure himself that you were there and you were listening. He breathed again and placed the frame back on your bedside table where it belonged.
“It hit me not long after we found out we were coming here. That you were going to be by my side for at least another three years.” His hands began to fidget with the strings on his joggers, which irritated you to no end.
You strode over to the bed and sat beside him, taking his hand away from his distraction – if he was going to finally apologise, you wanted it to be sincere.
He took the hint, turning his body toward you with the heartfelt gaze you’d ever seen on another human being. His fidgeting now focused on your own hands.
“I didn’t think about how this would affect you. I knew you had the others, I thought you would be fine. And from the outside, it looked like you were.”
You bit your tongue knowing that if you spoke now there would be no sign of a conversation, only hints of an argument.
“The way you used to laugh didn’t have much of an effect on me. The way you went out of your way to do things because I enjoyed them, dance classes, scary movie marathons, staying up until stupid o’clock to bake cakes and eat them all in one night. You were doing what any best friend would do. But the day you came to my door with that beaming smile of yours to tell me that you were joining me for the next three years changed something inside of me. I realized something that I should’ve realized when we were 10 years old.”
Your annoyance began to slowly wash away and a confused expression took its place. Changmin was now looking directly at you – no more fidgeting, no more avoiding your gaze… he had been waiting to tell you this for what felt like a life time.
“I’m in love with you. I am completely smitten by you and I have been since my parents moved into the house next door to the most beautiful person I’ve never met.”
The air in your lungs evaporated. Years of you thinking you weren’t good enough for him, those intruding thoughts your whole life that told you that he was by your side out of pity because nobody wanted to be friends with you had vanished. And suddenly, all those moments where he was by your side whenever something bad was happening flashed before your eyes and you realized, he was telling the truth.
As a tear ran down your cheek, Changmin wiped it away in an instant. His hand rested just under your ear to ensure you weren’t going to look away this time.
“I realised it too late. And I’m sorry for that. I irrationally pushed you away thinking that if I distanced myself the feelings would go away. I thought I had an ultimatum: stay by your side and face rejection or leave so you couldn’t cloud my thoughts anymore. But you were everywhere even when you weren’t in sight.”
As your eyes squeezed shut, any ounce of hatred for this man vanished and was replaced by overwhelming love.
Your hand reached up to cover his that rested at your jaw as more tears overflowed and the overpowering emotion took over. He drew you too him as you cried and whispered words of reassurance to you as you swayed back and forth in his arms.
You faintly responded to his declaration, an almost silent murmur into his chest that you could barely hear yourself.
He drew you back to arm’s length and wiped your dampened face with the sleeve of his sweatshirt.
As you controlled your breathing, you looked back into his glistening eyes. The gaze alone gave you more confidence.
“I hated you, Changmin.”
His eyes crumbled before you, but you spoke again before he could pull away. “But I hated myself more. Because no matter how far away you pushed me, no matter how many times I cried in the arms of every guy that is in that living room, I still loved you. I could not shake you from my mind, you were everywhere. In the music that I listened to, in the films that I watched, in the food that I ate… you were the first to come to mind when I wanted to talk to someone about something. I couldn’t wait to come to university with you, because it meant it was at least another three years of having you in my life.”
He was in awe – not at the fact you admitted that you hated him, or that you have loved him all along, but because he experienced the exact same thing as you did. He was in everything you did, as you were in everything he did. No amount of distance was going to change that for either of you, no matter how much you wanted it to.
His palm under your jaw grew tighter as you spoke your final sentence.
“I hated that I loved you, but I’m glad I still do.”
It didn’t take long for his hand to draw your head closer to him as he met you half way. Your hands gripped at the collar of his sweatshirt and made their way to cup either side of his neck as your emotions poured into the kiss. The kiss you had waited for since you realised you loved him all those years ago. A moment you craved when you were alone in bed wondering what he could be up to, with no possible way of contacting him out of the blue.
As your lips melted against each other and your feelings ignited your bodies, it was the reassurance you both needed to understand that neither of you were going anywhere. It could have been seconds, or minutes, or hours, since you last had your eyes open. But the feeling of his lips sliding against yours, the warming tingle of his skin under your palms and his scent filling you with a welcoming sense of nostalgia all became a blur.
It wasn’t until your head hit the pillow did you come to your senses. As you broke apart, your hands travelled back up to cup his jaw gently – the overwhelming thought that if you were to move rashly, the moment will dissipate.
Your glistening eyes mirrored his own as you smiled at one another. Another overwhelming thought draw you back to the now – he was here, and he was with you.
Changmin noticed your dazed expression and moved to clasp your hands with his own as he laid down beside you. He knew in that moment he would never let go of them again until you asked him to.
“I know that tonight is a lot to take in. Only an hour ago I was sat in that room with the boys thinking you wouldn’t give me the time of day tonight…or any night. I hadn’t considered until the night of that party that your feelings could mirror my own. I don’t know what made me realise it, but when I couldn’t take my eyes off you, I had to at least try. I needed you back in my life again, whether it was as my best friend, or otherwise.”
The small smirk on his lips showed that the man he had become was a more confident version of the Changmin you grew up with, and it was heartwarming to see how much he had grown.
“So that’s why you have done everything in your power to grab my attention since then.” His smile fell when he saw your expression change.
“I thought I had done something wrong. Or you had finally realised I wasn’t good enough for you, even as a friend.” Your eyes cast downward to avoid his gaze, but your clasped hands guided your chin up to look at his loving eyes again.
“I hate that I made you believe that. I hate that that thought even crossed your mind. But, I understand why, and today is the first day of infinity that I’m going to make it up to you. I’ve got you back now, okay?”
The slightly modified phrase that you had grown up with became more fitting than ever in this moment. Your eyes began to water once again as you nodded and leaned forward to attract his lips again.
The corners of his lips turned up against yours and, in that moment, you realised for the first time in years that he wasn’t going anywhere.
Your lips parted slowly to deepen the kiss that was quickly interrupted by a voice outside of your bedroom door.
“You better not be doing what I think you’re doing! I’ll get Haknyeon to bash down this door!” So now he decides to play protector.
Your wide eyes made Changmin burst into a fit of giggles as you pulled away. As you turned to meet his loving eyes, you realised that his laugher was sound that you hope you will hear for the rest of your life.