Archive of Our Own

Okay… so she was sad, is sad, doesn’t matter -- unimportant at this point because she figures isn’t everyone else? No? It’s just something she likes pointing out, something she likes drawing out into the air with deep sighs and a glass of wine. It’s sad. It’s been sad since and it’ll be sad for a while, hell she thinks it’ll be sad for quite a long time. To be very honest she doesn’t give a fuck. Hasn’t given a fuck for quite some time now. 

“Eyes on the road Manoban!” She’s pulled back to where they were, which was here. Not the time for witty ass sarcasm huh? Okay… 

Why were they there? Out on the road in her old, beaten Chevy… She’s wondering the same thing. Why did they get so far into this … situation in the first place? 

“Look, you’ve been so out of it lately… what’s wrong?”

Lisa loved hearing her voice, loved how it filled the inside of her car with its sweet tone that reminded Lisa of pancakes and honey. 

“Nothing… I’m just tired.” She smiles at her, reaching out to link their hands together. Taking it close to her lips and planting a soft kiss on the spot between her thumb and index finger; where she knows Jennie likes it best. 

Lisa wants to be honest, wants to tell her everything but she doesn’t. She can’t understand what it means; the mess in her head that’s weighing her down. She waits a beat, a full minute -- but all she gets is silence and it’s honestly louder than the words they’ve exchanged since they left for the road an hour ago. 

She shifts her gaze back on to the road and tries hard to concentrate. She figures it’s messy, not quite colored within the lines-- no. It’s all over, just bouncing off from one point to another. It never shuts up, no matter how hard she tries to breathe from one to ten and from ten to one.  Again and again-- it’s all the same. 

Relationships are so fucking messy.

“How was work?” She could see Jennie through the corners of her eyes; looking out the window, eyes tracing the silhouettes of trees that were reduced to mere smudges. Lisa thinks the question was more for breaking the awkward silence between them, or maybe… she did want to know. 

What does she say? It’s the same...  

“Uh, it's… good. Work’s light nowadays.” 

She knows Jennie didn’t mean for her to hear it, that soft little sigh… but she hears it anyway. Hears it and tries her best not to overthink it. 

“That’s good…” 

“Yeah… yeah it is. How was yours?”  

It doesn’t take a genius with a PhD in rocket science to help tell Lisa she’s annoyed… no maybe… maybe frustrated is the more accurate word, or maybe.. it’s uninterested or…

“It was fine. Jisoo got promoted and we went out to get Samgyup right after... “ 

Lisa nods back in acknowledgement. She doesn’t really have to.

“I’m going to take a nap, wake me when we get there?” 

“Yeah, sure… you go sleep.” Lisa steals a quick glance at her, a quick smile, a quick squeeze on her thigh before she has her eyes back on to the road. 

“Mhhmmm…” 

Lisa waits for the light snores from her hunched up frame on the passenger seat before she slows the car a bit, leans in to kiss her on the forehead and whisper a little goodnight. 

It’s stupid she admits. Yes, she’s the poster child for fuck ups. It’s what she’s good at. No need to tell her, she has a fucking glowing neon sign that says “dumbass” written all over her entire being. 

Everything’s spinning, the chair, the floor, the goddamn bottle in her hands, and..Jennie. She lets out a small chuckle and a burp. Traces little shapes out in the air, laughing at how stupid it was that the earth was spinning and she was stuck... here. Wherever here was. 

She feels Jennie’s warm hand on her wrist, doesn’t really comprehend why she has to do that. She was having fun painting unicorns in the air. 

“Let’s get you home…”

“Dance with me.”

“Huh?”

“Dance with me…”

She’s seeing black all over but she knows… feels Jennie smiling. The shy little smile when she’s caught off guard, Lisa’s favorite... 

She’s being dragged up, a little too sloppily she notes… Jennie’s too small and she’s too tall. That thought alone makes her laugh and she hears Jennie grunt beneath her frame.

“Keep still dumbass!” Lisa knows she’s never really mad at her. She puts on a very good front of it but she never pulls through. Lisa hates it. She wishes she’d get mad...for once. 

“But we haven’t daaaanced!” She pulls her closer but Lisa ends up tripping on her wobbly feet and bumping her head against Jennie’s. “Fuck!...” 

“You are so going to buy me breakfast tomorrow -- no buy me breakfast for a week!” Lisa laughs out again.. That didn’t sound so bad. 

“Dance with me…” she tries again, this time with eyes open. Her focus wasn’t too bad, sure… Jennie looked a little smudged off in some places, a little out of focus but she could still see her smile… and her eyes… those eyes.

“Fine… but just this once and we’re taking you home okay?” She could hear amusement in her voice and something else that she can’t quite place… something heavier than the usual banter and sarcasm that laced her words. 

“Pwomish…”

“Oh God, you reek of alcohol.” Jennie scrunched her nose, rolling her eyes to drive the thought home. It made her laugh even more. 

She feels Jennie’s arms wrap around her neck, pulling her closer and in a very odd way it stabilizes her. She could see the little reddish brown flecks in her eyes and how much it reminded her of whiskey (not the best of thoughts when you know you’re drunk). What she wanted to say was that they were intoxicating. 

“Remind me again why I'm best friends with you?” She shakes her head and starts swaying to an imaginary beat. 

“Cause I'm awesome?”

“More like a pain in the butt.”

“You love me though… don’t you?”

The silence that followed felt heavy. 

Jennie stops swaying. Looks her straight in the eyes and gives her the softest look she reserves for Lisa alone. A slow smile makes Lisa lick her lips, she loves it when Jennie does that… It's like watching the sun rise. She gives off a cute sounding chuckle before leaning closer. 

“Let's get your heavy ass home.”

Lisa laughs and nods. “Shuuure.”

She’s beautiful. Lisa smiles at the thought as she shifts the gas and slows the car down. Jennie’s still asleep, unfazed by the countless times the car’s frame shook from potholes on the road. Lisa tries not to steal glances as she sleeps, tries not to look but admits that it’s hard. 

“We’re not there yet?” The grogginess in her voice made it more husky. 

“Nope.” Lisa made the word pop, catching a glimpse of her through the rearview mirror. 

She does a slow nod and hides a small smile by turning her attention to the window. “How long is this road trip going to take Manoban? A whole damn day?” 

“What’s wrong with having the whole day to ourselves?” 

Lisa doesn’t really realize she’d been gripping the steering wheel too hard, well to be fair she doesn’t realize things until it’s too late. A slow building panic rises up in her chest and she begins to count from ten to one. 

Ten…

Nine… 

Jennie shuffles in her seat and tucks a stray hair behind her ear, humming a quiet little tune that doesn’t sound familiar.

Eight…

Seven…

Six…

Five...

Lisa tries not to squirm in her seat and focus on the road instead. Maybe… opening the car windows --

“Hey… are you okay?” Her hands felt a little too foreign on her skin. The touch wasn’t unwelcome, it was just something Lisa wasn’t expecting. Something she thinks feels a little too out of place for the moment. But it was Jennie and she always had this way of knowing if something was wrong. Sometimes… Lisa finds it a little too intrusive, in a good way.

“Yeah.. I’m good.” 

Jennie looks at her with the same gentleness in her touch, and Lisa’s pulled back into her gravity. For a second Lisa forgets and leans in to kiss her on the corners of her lips -- it was hesitant and something about it made Lisa feel more sad than it should have. She feels Jennie smile and instead of turning away like Lisa thought she would, leaned in and grazed the tips of her nose against Lisa’s. 

“You suck at lying,” She whispers between them before pulling away and signaling towards the empty road in front of them, “eyes on the --”

“Road.. I know…” 

How does it work? Between two people? 

She doesn’t look at her, to be honest she couldn’t look at her. Couldn’t bear to see any form of disappointment in her eyes. 

“Lisa…” she was being unfair, how can she be this gentle with her? 

She quickens her pace, anything to keep that distance between them. 

“Hey,” Jennie’s hold on her wrist was surprisingly firm and strong enough to make her stop. 

“Look I’m sorry okay?” Lisa blurted out. “Thank you or whatever, for bailing me out…” 

“God! Why are you so dense?!” 

Lisa almost stumbles, refusing to move from her own axis. There was a sadness pooling in her eyes that made it look more muddy, stirred up dark brown that made Lisa feel more helpless. 

“I don’t really care about dragging your dumb ass out of jail… but what the hell were you thinking? Don’t you think this is too much?” 

“I didn’t ask for you to come rescue me…” 

The silence was different, Lisa wishes she’d just scream and lash out at her -- that was easier to deal with. Fire with fire, a fucking thunderstorm -- not… this. She thinks it would have been better to have kept her mouth shut. 

“You didn’t, but I wanted to… “ 

“Well… you shouldn’t. It’s not your mess to clean up.”

Jennie nods slowly, turning away before running her hands through her hair. Something about it feels tired. “Just… try to get your drinking under control, okay?” 

“I will.” Lisa answered back in monotone, why can’t she get the hint? Go away before I do more damage to you. 

“You say that every time something happens but you --”  Lisa honestly just can’t understand why Jennie keeps doing this, setting herself up to deal with disappointment after disappointment. 

“Lisa, are you even listening to me? A DUI? Really? And you’re shrugging it off like it’s nothing, what if… what if you hurt yourself? Somebody?” She takes one step closer and Lisa instinctively takes one back, She’s sensible and comfortable and Lisa figures what home feels like. Someone that keeps Lisa attuned to her center of gravity where she’s grounded and safe and seen and felt and yet -- Lisa closes off the moment she comes closer.  “Or worse… you could’ve gotten yourself killed!”

“I can take care of myself, alright? I don't need you baby sitting me all the goddamn time! Don’t do this, don't do that, do this, do that! I don't need you fixing everything, okay?” I don’t want you getting caught up in whatever shit this is, you don't deserve it; is what she wanted to say.

Jennie takes a few steps back, crossing her arms across her chest and tries to hold Lisa’s gaze, except she falters first. “What do you want me to say?” 

“Nothing… say nothing… Just… I don't know leave”

“Okay.” 

Time seemed to drag out its existence every time they both fell silent.

“Go do whatever the fuck you want, Lisa. Destroy your life, whatever really…” She breathes out in a soft whisper. “I'm honestly tired of trying to understand you.” 

There was a finality in her tone, and it took every ounce of Lisa’s remaining pride not to cry. 

“Are you having one of your --”

“No…” Lisa’s skin prickled. Sometimes honesty can be a bit too much. 

Jennie looks at her briefly, a knowing look on her face before she gives up waiting for the right answer and decides on placing both feet on the dashboard instead, picking on a loose thread on her jeans.

The silence goes on for quite some time. It’s deafening, all Lisa could hear was the pulsing blood in her ears and the annoying way nails grazed against the jean fabric, over and over again.

“Tell me what’s wrong…” Lisa tries not to look back at her this time, the sadness in her voice was already enough. 

“We’ll be there in thirty minutes.”

“Stop changing the subject.” 

Jennie reaches out, laying her hand tenderly on Lisa’s arm where the skin burned beneath the fabric. The warmth works its way to her chest and she involuntarily clears her throat to prevent herself from choking from it. It stirs something that makes her take a deep breath, everything suddenly out of focus. 

“Is it… is it me?” her voice trailed off. 

“Huh?” Lisa looks back, trying to understand what it all meant. Trying to understand , just trying at this point.

"Am I making it … hard for you?” Jennie said things slowly, as if Lisa had a hard time following words that were so simple. 

“No. You’re not… stop thinking that.” She almost shouts. 

Jennie doesn’t flinch, nor turns away. Lisa knew Jennie wanted to say something but held back, just enough for her to try and reach out to cup Lisa’s chin but stopping mid-action. Hand suspended in air and eyes a little too conflicted if it wanted to tell the truth or hold back just enough as she was. 

“Look, it’s… I’m fine, okay? If I wasn’t then trust me it wasn’t you.” Lisa almost whispers, body instinctively wanting to feel her warmth on her skin again but knows not to push things through so quickly, so she waits for Jennie to run her fingers across her cheeks, “It can never be you.” Except she doesn't. Lisa tries not to look disappointed when Jennie retreated back into her seat and looked back outside, sunlight made her hair look more light brown, more auburn.

“If you ever decide to be honest about it for once Lisa, I’m here... always here, but that never seemed to be enough for you.” her breath fogging up the glass.

Why is h ere never enough? 

“Can you at least say goodbye this time?” 

Lisa couldn't see through the tears, couldn’t see past the desperation she felt inside.

“You never let me, Lisa…” 

Jennie smelled nice, she tried focusing on that -- a mixture of lotus and tea. She held her, like a piece of glass that would break and crumble in her arms at any second and Lisa doesn’t mind. Doesn’t mind how it makes her feel more weak and vulnerable and desperate. Her hands combing through her hair softly, like it was the only thing holding Lisa grounded -- it was. 

“Can’t you just s-stay? Please?” Lisa clings onto her waist, burying her face in the crook of her neck where she feels safest, even if.. She admits she doesn’t belong there, can never belong there if not for Jennie’s generosity. “Please… j-just stay.” 

“I want to…” her whisper was louder than her screams -- they always were.

“Then stay."

“I-- can’t Lisa, you have to under--”

“No! No, no…” She pulls away a bit, trying to search for any hint Jennie didn’t mean what she said. That she was lying. “You can...“ Her hands were shaking, and she can’t make them stop, she tries to caress Jennie’s cheeks, forcing her to look at her -- only at her, hoping it helps. “You can… see?” 

Lisa was brushing Jennie’s hair away from her face, tucking them behind her ears gently but she had always been a rough person even if she tried hard enough not to. “See? It’s easy…” 

She repeats it over and over. It’s easy … it’s easy… why can’t it be fucking easy? 

“Here...Stay here with me…” Lisa’s desperation was escalating, making her voice hitch and her tears to get caught in her throat, she was holding onto the only thing left that mattered. “Jennie?” 

“If only it were, Love,”

But Jennie had always been honest. Even if she didn’t want to be. 

“No!” It happened all too fast and there’s distance between them two. Something that she can’t cross and something Jennie can’t talk her way into disappearing. “No! Don’t call me that! Don’t call me that if you can’t -- if you can’t” 

The whole apartment was spinning, her whole world was spinning. 

“Shhh.. no, don’t hurt yourself please.” She feels her warm hands on her wrist, quieting the only thing that seemed to be loud enough to get her attention. “It’s fine, okay?” She feels the kiss on her forehead and burn that comes right after, the want for it to never stop. 

“Here… why don’t you get up and we’ll go to your bed and lie down…” Lisa finds another kiss on her wet cheeks and another one on her lips that makes her smile out of instinct. “You’ve had too much again, it’s getting--”

“I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry…” She was holding on to Jennie’s shirt a little too tightly, balling them in her hands and not wanting to let go. “I won’t-- I won’t do it again, I promise!” She draws a cross over her own chest, laughter coming out shakily and forced. “See? Cross my heart Jen-Jen… I swear not another bottle, just…”

“Look at me.” She tore Lisa’s hands away from her shirt gently, holding them firmly in her own, “Look at me and listen.” Lisa does as she’s told, looks and looks she thinks she can tell which brown fleck was different from the other by memory. “I want you to listen, I need you to and try to at least understand, okay?” 

She nods along to every word, even if she knows what comes after was bound to break her further.

“Good… that’s good.” Jennie leans to kiss her knuckles. Something about it makes her calm down. “You’ve been breaking yourself over and over Lisa…whenever you’re sad, mad, alone, when you’re happy oh God do you drink…” 

“I told you! I promise! I wo--”

“I can’t just come every time, okay? Do you understand what I’m saying?” 

Lisa doesn’t, everything she’s saying was hurting her.

“Lisa… please…  I love you… I can’t take seeing you like this, if it isn’t this it’s recklessly picking fights with people you don’t know, or… or… driving like a maniac through empty streets at midnight!”

She was shaking her head, no no no… I’ll be different. I’ll be better. But she keeps quiet and focuses on the sensation Jennie’s hands had on her wrist. The only thing keeping her there. 

“It’s not me you need, right now… It was never me. Believe me Lisa I love you… so much, it's..” 

She didn’t really mean to push her too hard, didn’t really mean to scream and cover her ears to make her stop saying those words over and over. 

“You’re tired aren’t you? You’re… you’re just like them!”

“Lisa.. please, I can’t always be around to fix you, you know that right?” Jennie takes one deep breath and tries to reach out again, “I’ve been trying to, believe me I have… there’s nothing I want more, it’s--” Lisa doesn’t miss the sigh that’s filled with so much unspoken weariness, “You have to do this. It has to start from you. Can you please consider thera--” 

“Shut up!” 

“Lisa, please just listen… I want to be here, I want to… God I want to, but if this is the only way for you to consider--” 

“Go!” 

Lisa takes the first thing she can grab beside her and throws it across the room at the wall behind Jennie, the bottle breaks and it shatters glass shards everywhere. Jennie doesn’t move, her eyes making it harder for Lisa to stop. 

“Isn’t that what you want?! Go!” She throws a pillow that somehow found its way in the center of their mess, hitting her coffee table and sending her porcelain ashtray down into the floor where it shatters too. “Just… j-just leave already. Dammit!” 

“I’m so--”

Lisa backs away, huddling herself near the sofa where she feels even smaller. 

“Just leave now, okay? Ju-just go Jennie...please.”

She slows the car to a stop, the wheels crunching against gravel. Jennie doesn’t stir from her seat, seemingly waiting for Lisa to turn the ignition off. 

“We’re here.” Lisa says, eyes trained on the steering wheel while her hands played with the keys. 

“I wasn’t expecting this, it seems like you still have it in you to surprise people.” Jennie’s chuckle created a tiny ripple, making Lisa chuckle in turn. 

“Yeah? Well I try my best to keep the best parts of myself alive.” Lisa opens the car door and for a second stands there, where the sunlight warmed her cheeks and made her squint her eyes. 

The passenger door opens and Jennie joins her, standing and enjoying the warmth before simultaneously closing the door. She gives Lisa a quick look and a shy smile before she nods. Biting the bottom of her lip in anticipation and it makes Lisa forget about the awkwardness during the trip. 

“We’re not standing here all day, are we?” 

It feels nice hearing her laugh like that. Lisa gives in to her habit of looking and watches on. Eyes falling on the mole on her eyelid out of instinct. Lisa takes her time, slowly moving her gaze downwards -- to the curve of her nose and cheeks to her lips, where she lingers a little longer. Just enough to catch Jennie’s attention and Lisa finds herself feeling at home , in the swirls of brown that reflect much of the sun. 

“You’re doing it again.”

“Hmm?”  Lisa almost missed the question, it was hard concentrating on anything else but her eyes.

“Looking.” 

She tears her gaze away from Lisa and starts walking.

“Old habits die hard.” 

“Hey! I’m probably playing hide and seek with my phone and it’s winning. Leave me a message after the beep and I'll be sure to get back to you when it loses!”

The shrill beep cuts through the silence that’s filling her apartment. 

“Hey.. uhh, it’s .. it’s me again. I --” Lisa plays with the fabric of her pillow she’s hugging and takes a deep breath. “I miss you Jennie.” 

She cuts the call short, thinking it’s a nice way to end the five string of voicemail messages she left. Who was she kidding though -- they were all incoherent, filled with sighs and uhms and Lisa knows it’ll annoy the hell out of her. She hits speed dial again, waiting for the ringing to stop and for the voicemail to pick up, Jennie’s witty voice calming her down before she panics again, a couple of seconds after. 

“Hey Jen-Jen… it’s, uhhh… it’s me...Lisa. I’m sorry for the flood of messages. It’s just… you know how much I suck at these, right?” She tries to laugh the nervousness away, “and uh…  can we… I mean -- it’s been a while, I guess… ho-how are y-you?” 

The beep cuts her message off and she almost throws her phone away in frustration. God, why was this so difficult? 

“Kay… you got this, deep breath… deep fucking breath Manoban.” 

She tries again, this time lying on the sofa and keeping the pillow close to her lips where she bites to keep the nerves at bay.

The beep goes off and Lisa takes a deep breath. 

“Hey, I know this is becoming annoying. I probably took too much space on your voicemail with all my incoherent ramblings. I’m sorry… I really am. I just wanted to call in and say --”

“Lisa?”

Her voice cut through the empty static on the line and Lisa jerks out of surprise, falling face first on her carpet.

“Hello?”

“He-hey…” 

“Hey you…” 

Lisa doesn’t care if she was breathing in dust from the carpet and the throbbing on her forehead where it hit the hardwood floors. She was there on the line… a few static away from her and she wonders how she’s really been these past couple of months. 

“H-hi Jen.”

She hears paper rustling in the background and Kuma barking, probably wanting some attention from her mama. She hears her chuckle and clears her throat, “are you going to keep saying hi’s and hello’s and hey’s to me?” 

“Uhhh.”

“I was kidding dummy, how are you?” 

“I’m .. I’m fine, I guess…” I miss you 

“Oh.” Lisa can’t tell if that was disappointment or if she was just being polite. “That’s -- that’s good. I’m genuinely happy to know you’re fine. It’s been a while, huh?” 

“Ye-yeah…” it’s been a year … “How, how are you?”

“I’m good Lisa. I’ve been… I’ve been working on my studies… it’s been a great couple of months…” Lisa could hear her breathe through the silence on the line. 

“Are you still.. Uh, working over at that --”

“Publishing house? Yeah… I’ve had a couple of changes with the shifts because of Uni but yeah… yeah I’m still working there.”

“Oh… okay.” Lisa doesn’t know what to say next without sounding too desperate. Why did she call in the first place? If not to say she misses her? Was she expecting her to even answer? She… she honestly just wanted to hear her voice and now that she’s there, Lisa doesn’t know what to do. 

“Yeah, uh… did you need something?”

“Oh uh… no… no… I just wanted to know how you’re doing, that’s uh… that’s all.” 

“Well, I’m fine Lisa. Thank you for getting in touch.” 

“Sure.. I wasn’t expecting you’d keep the same, uhm, number.” 

“Why wouldn’t I?”

“OH, uhmm.” Lisa was lying on the floor now, just staring at her empty ceiling and trying to think of ways to make her talk more… make her hear her voice more. “After what happened, I .. I was expecting you didn’t want me, uhm… calling? I guess?”

“Well you didn’t” silence, “call.” 

Lisa let off an awkward chuckle. 

“No, no I didn’t.”

“So I don’t see the need for a number change…” 

“Well uh, that does make sense.”

“What do you need Lisa?” 

There it was the impatience, the hitch in her voice Lisa was dreading. 

“I… just, wanted to hear your voice again.”

Jennie doesn’t answer and all Lisa hears is the static on the line. 

“I miss you Jen-Jen, that’s… that’s honestly all I wanted to say… I wasn’t really planning on annoying you or… “

“Oh cut the crap Lisa. I miss you too. There, that wasn’t so bad, right?” 

“No… no it wasn’t.”

“You should call more often, tell me what you’ve been up to.” 

“Ye-yeah… I… I will.” 

“Good. and Lisa?”

“Yeah?”

“Take care of yourself, okay? Don’t be a stranger, love.” 

Lisa almost chokes on the tears. 

“Uhmmm yea-yeah… Uhh… you - uhhh you too Jen-Jen.”

“I really have to go now, I have an appointment in an hour. It’s nice talking to you again... “

“Su-sure… you, you take care or something.”

“Oh I will… ‘something’ for sure, you go ‘something’ too, yeah?”

Lisa nods, even though she knows Jennie won’t see.

“I mean it Lisa, don’t be a stranger… Call me anytime if you need anything, okay? I really have to run now, bye!”

“Bye…”

Lisa hears the click on the line and the busy tone after. She figures, maybe she can call again tomorrow and the next day and hopefully by next week she can ask her out to meet for coffee. 

She says it to herself again and again but Lisa doesn’t -- not for a couple of months after, anyways. 

Lisa had hoped her toes would’ve grazed the water by now, she wasn’t really expecting the boardwalk of the pier to be a couple of feet off the surface of the lake. Some planner she was. 

“What’re you pouting at?” Jennie nudges her softly, “You look rather glum.” 

“I was… uh,” she kicks the air a little too hard, a little too upset “hoping we could spend the lazy afternoon playing with the water or something.”

Jennie’s laugh cut through the afternoon heat, “Well… that does sound a lot more fun than sitting on this obviously old piece of wood…” Lisa sighs, great some fun this was, “I don’t really mind sitting here and talking to you though. Imagine what the sunset would look like spread out over there?” 

She spreads her arms out, gesturing to the thin pale blue water and everything that she was trying to obviously fit in the space between the palms of her hands. She looks back at Lisa and winks, “How would you call it back then?”

“Huh?”

“The sun sleeping?” Jennie offers, “Isn’t that what you called it before? When we spent the days lying on the rooftop of your old place?” 

Lisa feels out of place, not that that was a bad thing, she can’t help but think about the things that were.

“Yeah, I uh, I remember now.” She answers back, trying to be enthusiastic about it. “Except, I remember your singing more.”

“Yeah, well…”

“You should quit that publishing job and go for it.” She cuts her off hastily. “You were always happier whenever you sang and not to be rude or anything -- I just can’t bear the thought of you working somewhere you’re not happy at or something like that.” Lisa digs into the cracks of the wood with her nail and tries not to look up.

“Or something like that, huh?” Jennie says it back, enunciating every word in contemplation. “It’s not easy. I tried … back then. Well a few months back actually, had gigs at bars and pubs.” She reaches out to keep Lisa’s hands from fidgeting with the wood, “It didn’t work out the way I hoped it would.” 

“You just haven’t had your breakthrough yet.” 

Jennie intertwines their hand and Lisa lets her. 

“Maybe you're right.” 

“Will you try again?” Lisa looks up to meet her gaze and smiles, “I mean I’m sure you’re still singing?”

“Will you come by and see me sometime? If I am, of course.” 

She nods slowly matching Jennie’s smile and the hopeful expression on her face. She forgets about the certain way her chests knot whenever their skin touches and for a minute just finds herself looking. She misses this privilege, to look at her whenever she wants to feel at home. 

“Great, I… I wont stop trying then, only if you promise to be there?” 

“I wouldn’t miss it.”

“That doesn’t sound like a promise to me.” She juts her bottom lip in a pout, “Promises begin with -- I promise, come on… say it with me.” 

“Okay, okay… I promise to be there.” Jennie’s face lits up and she’s smirking, and Lisa doesn’t know which she loves best at the moment -- their talk, like how they used to or the cute way she’s batting her eyelashes and the weird little flips in her chest whenever she smiles. 

“How’s… how’s therapy going?” 

“AA meetings are great,” She grins, she feels Jennie’s smile wavering and she doesn’t want to lose that. “Well… they’re generally boring most days, but they’re great. I mean I’ve been better.”

“Would you be upset if I asked to kiss you right now?” 

Lisa’s a bit taken aback by the question. They never really cared for boundaries before, they both took what they could and that included every opportunity that presented itself. 

“No.. uh, I … I wouldn’t mind at a--”

The kiss was short, a soft little peck on her lips that makes her stop. It warms her cheeks nonetheless and makes her ache for something more. 

“You were being extremely cute, I couldn’t resist.”

“I should be more cute then?”

“Yeah, I preferred that over reckless.” Jennie brings her hand up, kissing the tip of her index finger and keeping it close to her lips, where she feels her warm breath over her skin “Although, to be honest I don’t really care much about preferences.” 

“You can kiss me again now.” 

And Jennie does, pulling her closer and wrapping her free hand over her neck. It starts out slow, like they’re both learning each other all over again. Taking time to bridge all the lost months between them. She pulls away first, smiling, leaning in again to kiss Lisa on the corners of her lips. 

“I love you.” Lisa whispers out into the space between them, she’s a bit ashamed of the way her voice shook but she’d never been this honest before. 

Jennie doesn’t say anything back and she was honestly expecting that too. She’s pulled into another kiss that felt more desperate and more rough. Their noses bump into each other a little too forcefully and their lips a little too messily -- for a second it feels like they don’t know each other again and it tugs at her with a sadness she can’t quite place. Lisa was about to pull back and say sorry and some lie to cover up the brief slip up when Jennie laughed into the kiss, pushing her away gently.

“I love you --” she said back almost as silently, a little too breathless, as if she’d been holding it in for a long time. “You big dumbass.”

“You were right for staying away from me…” 

Lisa doesn’t know why she says this, but she sees understanding in Jennie’s eyes and so she continues…

“Is love always this messy?”

“Only if we let it, I guess.” 

Lisa cups her cheeks and Jennie moves to kiss the inside of her palm smiling into the skin right after, 

“Am I messy?”

“Oh, the messiest for sure.” Her chuckle felt nice, warm and nice.

“And?”

“You’re better Lisa. You’ve been better, don’t be too hard on yourself.” 

She moves away, taking Lisa’s hands between her own. She looks away, at the horizon and Lisa does the same, indigo clouds and peach skies. 

“Why are you like that?” 

The question she’s been dying to ask since then comes tumbling out. 

“Hmmm?”

“Why are you so gentle with me, so warm with me? I’ve been nothing but a --”

“Pain in the butt?”

The silence speaks for itself and Jennie laughs again. 

“I don’t know Lisa, you’ve always brought out the best in me.” 

“I want to ….” Lisa hesitates a bit, trying to find the right words because she wants everything from now on to be just that; right. “I’ve been trying to… to work on being the best for you too.” 

“That’s good enough for me,”

“I … don't want to be just good enough for you.” 

Jennie full on laughs at this point, leaning in to look at her, trying to search for something Lisa hopes was there -- whatever it was. 

“We can work on that… come by my gig this Wednesday.” She kisses her on the cheek, “And we can work on that, yeah?”

“Yeah…”