Chapter Text
A job providing a salary that's almost too good to be true for writing product reviews and answering the random product inquiry? Sounds perfect.
That is, until Wei Wuxian reads the fine print.
"Fine prints are fine prints for a reason, bro," Nie Huaisang comments as he reads the email over his shoulder. "Will you be trying out?"
Wei Wuxian knows that it is pointless to keep it from the man. If anything, he's probably the perfect person to help him out.
"Wait, let me type out my reply." He gleefully thumbs his nose and composes a response to the email message. Nie Huaisang looks on dotingly, and eventually with a considerable lack of patience that he hides behind his ever-present fan.
"What's with the novel?"
Wei Wuxian hands Huaisang the phone. "Haha. That's me trying to convince them to give me the job… and me."
Huaisang reads the lengthy essay in silence, tapping his furled fan lightly against his cheek in contemplation. "Damn. I love how you phrased this part. There has been a severe lack of serious reviewers and resource persons in that area. I should know." His eyes twinkled knowingly.
"Let's see if I manage to bullshit my way into landing that job," Wei Wuxian cheerfully replies, grabbing the phone to press send and leaning back against his chair in satisfaction.
"That's good, that's good." Huaisang leans over to whisper in his ear as the professor enters the lecture hall. "How will the fact where you're a virgin who doesn't even own a toy play into that?"
"Elementary, my dear Watson. Research. That's where you come in."
***
In the flurry of assigned readings, group meetings, and sending out applications to different side gigs over the following days, as well as his shift at a cafe a few blocks away from where he lives and tutoring schedules, Wei Wuxian forgets about his product review application… until one day, his roommate hands him a nondescript-looking package the size of a shoe box with just his name and address on it.
"Lan Zhan, who delivered this? Did you pay anything for it? I'm not expecting any deliveries right now."
Lan Wangji shakes his head, and Wei Wuxian can see the slightest hint of a furrow between his brows as he looks at the box. "I just signed. I did not pay anything."
Wei Wuxian studies the packaging, trying to get a hint of what the contents are and where it came from. He looks up to see Lan Wangji still standing by the open door of his room, framed by the late afternoon sun streaming in from a west-facing window. He very stealthily catches his breath, hoping that the other won't notice (well, he's had tons of practice, so he's used to it... sort of), and then laughs lightly. "What's up, Lan Zhan? I know the thought is inconceivable, but do you need my help with something?"
Lan Wangji continues to stare at the box, then his eyes meet Wei Wuxian's. "I think that Wei Ying should return the package."
Wei Wuxian looks over at the airway bill again and comments, "No sender info." He looks up at Lan Wangji and laughs at the expression of concern in his eyes. "Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan! Don't look so worried! I'm pretty sure I don't have enemies who will waste their time sending me mutilated animals or anything like that. Jiang Cheng doesn't fight dirty like that. Besides, I don't smell any blood." He sees Lan Wangji's delicate shudder at the thought and smiles at him reassuringly. "Don't worry, Lan Zhan. Thanks for worrying, but it's fine."
"Mn."
"Fine, if it would make you worry less, c'mere. Help me out." With a sheepish grin, he adds, "Also, do you think you could bring your letter opener? I remember that you have one, and I really don't want to ruin another ball-point pen when I only have one at the moment. I want to look at it to decide whether I should bring it back to the courier's tomorrow, and I don't want it to look like an animal mauled it."
Wordlessly, Lan Wangji turns around and heads to the other room. He emerges with an elegant letter knife with a burnished bunny on the handle (custom-made?) and a deceptively plain-looking black pen on the other. "Here."
Wei Wuxian takes the knife with a grateful smile and looks guiltily at the other. "Lan Zhan! I will buy my own pen." After all, he has already borrowed and lost a lot of pens from him over the years… he's pretty sure the one he still has has been filched from the other man.
"Wei Ying needs a spare."
"Aiya, this guy. Thank you."
Lan Wangji waves a hand vaguely in a gesture that dismisses his thanks. "Open the package, Wei Ying."
"Ah. Right." He hops toward the desk where the box lies and brandishes the letter knife at it. After a moment, Lan Wangji comes to stand beside him.
No, Wei Wuxian is not nervous about this at all.
"Ok. Here goes nothing."
A few moments later, the two of them stand there staring down at an odd assortment of devices lovingly nestled in bubble wrap. There is no way Wei Wuxian can pass off the contents for anything other than what they are.
Wei Wuxian forces out a carefree laugh that sounds anything but. "Huaisang must have sent these as a joke. We were just talking about this the other day…" Despite his embarrassment, he sneaks a glance at the other man. His face is perfectly expressionless, but what he can see of his ears is pink.
Dammit, Huaisang.
"Nie… Huaisang?" Lan Wangji says carefully.
"He's totally capable of pulling this sort of prank, believe me." To his horror, before his mind can catch up with his mouth, he lifts a box and shows it to the other man. "Oh, hey, look. A bunny."
Without a word, Lan Wangji beats a stately but hasty retreat, leaving Wei Wuxian clutching the box to his chest and stewing in shame and self hatred.
***
"Nie Huaisang! How could you…"
"Wei-xiong? What? Why? I don't know anything!"
"I don't remember asking you for any of this, or not yet, anyway."
Nie Huaisang's default denial morphs into genuine curiosity. "Wait, what are we talking about here?"
"The collection of adult McHappy Meal toys!"
"Wait, back up a minute. What are you talking about?"
"A box of sex toys was delivered to the apartment earlier. Lan Zhan received it... Oh, God, I am never going to be able to show my face to Lan Zhan again, am I?"
"That's impossible, considering that you live with the guy."
"No, it will be fine. I know his schedule. I can avoid him."
"Okay. Let me get this straight: a box of sex paraphernalia was delivered to you today, and your oh-so-proper roommate received it?"
Wei Wuxian says as much.
"Was the packaging screaming 'sex shop'?"
"Um, no? It was unmarked. I think Lan Zhan ended up thinking it had a bomb or something."
"That's okay. It could have been a lot worse. At least he didn't see the contents of the box." He is just about to ask about what is in there when he hears an odd silence from the other end. He lets out a whistle.
"No. Way. He did?" This is interesting, he thinks as he bites back a giggle in sympathy with the other man's groan of abject misery.
"He thought it was hate mail from Jiang Cheng!" Wei Wuxian wails out. Okay, so maybe he isn't too good at holding back because a tiny huff of laughter escapes him.
"There, there," Huaisang consoles the man on the other line. "Number 1: you know Jiang-xiong doesn't really hate you. Number 2: you're a healthy adult male, and it's none of Lan Wangji's business if you want to explore your sexuality like that. Number 3: are those brand new? Because I would never send you my used stuff."
"Ew. Gross. Also, they're all sealed."
Huaisang continues his litany. "Number 4: it was sweet of him to worry about the contents of the package, and I really don't think he's the sort who would judge you for experimenting, if he were actually as nice as you always laud him to be."
He can say a lot of other things, but he doesn't.
On the other end, Wei Wuxian is silent, but the silence feels more thoughtful than anything. "Okay, okay. I'll just play it cool. I can do that."
"Also, the toys weren't from me. Remember that toy company who was looking for a writer? Maybe that's from them."
"Wait, I've forgotten about that! Wait a sec…Ah."
"Spam?"
"Yep. If I didn't know a Lan Wangji, you'd be my smartest friend."
"Wei-xiong, stop trying to turn my head. Now, tell me about the goodies."
***