Chapter Text
Cardan
My room is contaminated with her scent, a citric fragrance with something like mint by the end of it. Her warm body lays beside mine, and although we are not touching, I can feel its heat by my arm. Last month I wouldn’t have gotten in my room with a shirt on, but I guess it was over for her now. Nothing new to me; not being loved back, that is. I am still glad that Nicasia wishes to spend time with me as my friend.
“Have you noticed that Locke has been looking at the twins? Those hideous mortals?” Her voice is a sneer.
“We always look at them," I remind her, and cannot avoid the disgust in my voice. “Their presence is so annoying that it is hard not to look.”
“Yes, but his eyes...”
I hate that she is doing it, telling me her worries about another. She is staring at the ceiling, playing with a curl of her ocean hair, pouting. Now Locke is annoying me. He chooses to look at humans when he has Nicasia’s eyes on him. Those mortals shouldn’t be in the same class we attend. Jude Duarte is the worst between them, not knowing her place; she thinks she can be a Knight! What a fool. I have tried to ignore this insult for years since the oldest sister, Vivienne, is a nice girl and is friendly with Rhya and me. Thinking of Jude Duarte gives me a chill of my old envy for her family's love. And disgust at her. At me.
“You have a better pair of eyes watching you right now,” I challenge the princess to say otherwise.
Nicasia turns her head to meet my eyes. Her delicate features charm me, almost disarming me to my most naive vulnerable essence. The corner of her mouth curves in a mocking smirk.
“You do have beautiful eyes. Nonetheless, we have been through it, Cardan... I care for you as a friend, and precisely because I care, I do not wish to bed you thinking of another.”
“It is not like you would be the first," my eyes wander to her thin lips painted in pink.
“That is awful!” She laughs.
Nicasia laughs differently when it is just the two of us. More vivid and sincere. It hurts to know it does not mean that Nicasia would rather have this intimacy with Locke.
As the week runs its course, I start heeding Nicasia's worries. Locke glances at the twins with more frequency than we all have been looking at them over the years. Did something change on them to require all this ogling of his? Does he know that he was caught by me and Nicasia? If Valerian notices it, he might mock Locke until he feels ashamed of his thoughts. Or perhaps, Valerian would take advantage of the excuse to torment the mortals. There is no doubt that I am cruel, but Valerian is not far behind, only his cruelty is more vulgar and bloody.
Does Locke know the difference between the sisters? I saw him looking at Taryn once class started, but by the end, his eyes were on Jude. A glance at Nicasia is enough to spot sorrow on her face, at the sight of Locke looking at another. I feel sorrow as well, but I am not as soft as Nicasia, and pure hatred consumes me right after. Jude might feel me staring because she looks back at me. First, her pupils dilate in surprise to have caught me, but since my expression does not change, Jude’s eyes narrow in a dare. See Locke? Jude chose to feel my stare instead of yours.
However, I cannot allow myself to keep staring. There is nothing different from all the times that I have looked at her. It began when they first arrived. It was hard enough to think about a human receiving a parent's love from a great warrior, General Madoc, but it took all of us aback to see twins. So I would look to unveil the differences, playing with my own brain, and challenging myself to see them apart. It was easy since Taryn would always cower at my staring, and Jude would always compete with me to who would blink first. If she were not who she is, we could have been friends. At that precise thought, it became dangerous, because it led me to imagine it. In my miserable days after receiving Balekin’s punishments, I allowed myself to dream of a friend. Of that girl playing with me, and that made me eager to attend classes. I could be mean to her, and she would not show fear - a sinister friend.
But puberty is a disastrous thing. Of course, to my bewilderment, it started while watching Jude. Vivienne had invited her sisters to swim with Rhya, and I did not know it. I bet Jude did not know it either. The auburn curls of her hair were dark, soaked straight. Her eyes did not dare me, Jude was not surprised but confused about my presence. Her full lips were slightly parted, and droplets of water were sliding down her throat to her breasts, which I realized then, were bigger than the female fae's, even if she was still fourteen years old. She was under the water enough to cover her nipples, but that was when it hit me. I was furious at myself and left stomping back to Hollow Hall without saying a word to my sister. This loathsome randiness took over me, and my hand worked as my imagination grew wilder. Repulsive. I hate myself for that. I hate that it was not the last time I thought about Jude’s body.
This reminder is the reason I get back to look at Baphen now, speaking whatsoever about the stars. I hate prophecies, but they are more bearable than Jude’s gaze.
“What is your thing with them?” I ask Locke at lunchtime.
Nicasia glares at me but does not leave; she wants to know too. Valerian is watching us since he did not understand my question. We are sitting over a blanket with our food baskets open, idly picking what to eat.
Locke runs his fingers through his reddish hair. He does that out of habit, though I bet Nicasia finds it charming. I take a bite of my honeycake to avoid showing my anger. However, Locke does not help me with it. His eyes wander to the twins again. They are laughing and eating far enough not to hear us talking. I feel something wrong inside of me. Jude's happiness makes me want to make her suffer. As if I didn’t have enough reasons not to like her, now she is possibly making Nicasia sad and jealous. Nicasia! Jealous over a mortal.
“I am interested. They seem like they could give me an entertaining story. And have you not noted? Their bodies are all full of curves and seem soft to touch,” he tells us. That fucking conceited smirk of his making my food taste like sand.
“Ew, you are thinking of that with those two?” Valerian finally understands.
Nicasia turns her head, pretending to be distracted. If Locke would take just a glance at her, he would know Nicasia was pretending. No, Locke doesn't need to look at her, this is part of his game as well. Shame gives a twist in my guts since I also wonder about Jude’s skin.
“So they are your game now," I say. Not a question, he is already on it.
Locke gives me another fox smirk. "Given how you guys are my friends, could you promise me to not tell anyone about my new adventure with the Duarte twin?”
“I promise, but you must make it fun to watch!” Valerian's malicious smile means a lot of possible things.
“Yeah, sure," Nicasia shrugs. “But we get to torment them. A reminder that they are still mortals and are just part of a game.”
The thing is, this game could be endless. Nicasia thinks that Locke will get bored soon, but I think otherwise. Especially if he chooses Jude. He nods to Nicasia in agreement, then looks at me. Part of me is getting excited about the outcome of it: will Locke be able to break Jude Duarte? Or maybe he prefers the delicate Taryn. If he chooses Jude, will she fall for him? Will I stop thinking about her?
“Yes, I will not tell anyone about your game. You may have fun."
--
“You are weak, Cardan!” Balekin's spite in every word. He is testing my training with swordplay, and I hate it. I do not wish to be a warrior, I just want to be lazy, drink wine, and fuck. “Get up, pick up your sword! Do you think I have as much free time as you?”
“Oh please, brother," I am laying over my elbows to look up at him, “if you are so busy, I do not wish to keep you here!”
“Get up, Cardan!”
I pick up the sword and get in position. I do know how to use a sword, but I hate it and hate to be tested, so I make a poor stand just to mock my brother’s patience. Balekin gets so angry at me, that he makes my sword fly from my hand, and punches my stomach. Out of breath, I fall to my knees. The thorns from his knuckles leave tiny holes, and blood stains my shirt. Is this enough? Did he see how much of a failure I am? Is he going to toss me away like Father? No. He calls to his servant. I know this quite well, so take off my shirt so this will be over soon. At least the pain of being beaten distracts me from my pitiful heart.
“Why must you act like this?” Balekin lets out a heavy breath. “I want you strong to be by my side, brother! Do you not understand that? You have to grow up, Cardan! At least with the basics of responsibilities!”
The sounds of the wattle meeting my flesh are repulsive. Balekin saying that he wants me by his side just gives me a sour taste lingering in my mouth.
“Ok, it is enough.” The beating stops, and even if it hurts enough to make me want to cry, I hold the tears in and put my shirt on. “Get ready for the ball. I expect to see you there. You may have fun as you like," and Balekin leaves at that.
The human servant follows right after. I need wine.
--
The ball is at the palace. I find Nicasia talking with a courtier, who at my sight just bows and leaves. Nicasia giggles and maybe I can have a good night of fun. She wears her diadem of pearls braids with cobwebs attached. My hand reaches for one of the braids, just to feel it.
“You are going to break my heart all over again. I beg for your kindness, Princess Nicasia," I smile at her.
“Oh, you have to try harder than that!" She laughs.
I let go of the braid.
“That seems like effort, hum. Not my thing. Let's just have fun... Oh, Valerian is enthusiastically trying to get some attention. I think he did use some effort!”
He is wearing red, and as he walks towards us, Valerian winks at someone in the crowd.
“Have you guys eaten yet? I am hungry!” He says by way of a greeting.
Locke shows up and puts his arm around Valerian’s shoulder.
“I am hungry," Locke answers fluidly. "Let's go fetch something good!”
“Oh, you might fetch something human to eat. I heard the meat is good," Valerian teases, but Locke does not seem bothered. He actually grins.
“Maybe I will take a bite!” Locke enters the joke.
All my anger is back. From his stupid game, from Balekin. I need wine. So I take the lead, and as we are walking, I hear Valerian’s voice but cannot catch what he is saying. Probably another stupid joke. I turn to look and see who he is talking to. Jude. Taryn’s head is down, evidently afraid of me, but Valerian is the one tormenting her sister. Perhaps Taryn is the type of person who would blame her parents' death on me regardless of it being public knowledge that it was General Madoc who executed them. Like many others believe that everything bad that happens is the youngest Greenbriar's fault. When so many express the same argument, it is easy to believe it myself. Therefore, it is only plausible to act on it.
“Valerian”, I call him. I feel my eyes narrowing at Jude in response to her glare.
I cannot even process how my despise for her makes a twist to other things as my eyes take her figure in that sapphire velvet dress. It catches my breath for a moment. Disturbing. I hate myself again. Really, I am not having a good night.
Wine. I get back walking, seeing all these people wanting my attention, curtsying. Then there is this boy with long copper hair and moth wings standing right at my face, laughing, not bowing. I am taken by all my anger and punch him right in his face. Does he dare to laugh at me? I am his prince! It is not enough, so I grab and tear one of his wings so that he will remember me. He is crying out in pain now, and I feel satisfied. Good, I am not the one crying. Share your tears for your prince, will you? I start walking again but hear someone helping the boy, which is unusual around here. Locke. He chose Jude since they are looking at one another as if they are sharing a secret. He winks at her. I turn, and this time I don’t stop until I find wine. The rest of the night is a blur of laughing, dancing, and making out with some stranger.