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Jimmy slipped open the door to the apartment, keeping his steps slow and careful as to try to avoid waking up Kim if she had already fallen asleep.
It was late; he knew she would be concerned if she realized how late it was. Another night going above and beyond the call of duty for some of the worst people in humanity. But it paid the bills. It would get them to the house, wouldn’t it? Get them that perfect, beautiful house and prove once and for all that he really wasn’t the screw up that Chuck said he was.
Not that Chuck was saying anything about it anymore, except in the ringing in Jimmy’s ears, but that was an internal debate he didn’t really want to get into at… well, eleven-thirty-two at night. He just wanted to climb in next to Kim, whether she was sleeping or not, and sleep until he wasn’t thinking about anything at all.
Therefore, he was more than a little surprised to find Kim laying on the bed, stretched out in a silk nightgown, with a book opened in her hands that was emblazoned with a half-naked man and an amply-bosomed woman that bore the title The Pirate’s Secret Love.
“Hey,” he called, before raising an eyebrow. “I haven’t seen that around before. How did I miss out on such great literature?”
Kim closed the book, carefully, with a bookmark and then mimed hitting Jimmy in the head with it.
“I just bought it today. I was in line at the CVS and, well, something about it spoke to me.”
“Was it the pirates or the boobs that spoke to you?” Jimmy inquired, taking off his shoulder-bag and then his jacket and hanging both up in the closet.
“Why can’t it be both?”
Jimmy, despite his nerves, cracked a smile and perched at the edge of the bed, sitting down gingerly.
“Are you too busy reading that book to… uh… talk, for a little bit?” he inquired.
“Are we talking…” Kim turned a page, “Talking about work, talking about ‘us’, or some ‘talking’ that doesn’t require much talking at all?” She flipped another page, then licked her lips. “Because at least one of those options I’m a little more interested in than the other two.”
Jimmy leaned forward, putting a hand on her shoulder.
“Were you hoping for shop talk, then?”
She reached up with her finger, licked it, and then flicked another page.
“Depends on what kind of shop,” Kim replied.
“Pirate shop?” Jimmy asked, then added, “Argh?”
“Very sexy. Get over here.” She patted the spot on the bed next to her. “Would you like a dramatic reading from this great work of literature?”
He shuffled over and tried to peek at the page, but she quickly snatched it away with a grin.
“The pirate’s shirt was ripped down the front, exposing the chest that was filled with light brown hairs, circling his pert nipples. Carlotta gasped. She had never seen a man, a real man, before.”
“She’s been humping robots, clearly.”
“The origin of the robot sex voice, revealed!”
Jimmy laughed, feeling tension falling from his shoulders, into his spine, out through his mouth, tension that he hadn’t realized he had been hanging on to. These days, it seemed to be all tension, more often than not.
Except when he was with Kim. That was when the wheel seemed to unlock, turn, slide smoothly.
“Tell me more,” Jimmy continued.
“She ran a hand down his chest, moaning as she stroked his nipple. ‘Ferdinand,’ she said to him, ‘You must unhand me immediately, you deathly brute.’”
“Are you serious?” Jimmy asked, cocking an eyebrow. “I know I could write better prose than this.”
“Then why didn’t you write this, instead of,” Kim stuck her finger in the page and looked at the front cover, “Lavinia Lafayette?”
“Maybe I am Lavinia Lafayette,” Jimmy suggested.
“If you are, you have got a lot of explaining to do.” Kim replaced her bookmark and then peaked at the end, “There’s something on page 69 that I’m pretty sure isn’t anatomically possible.”
“We could do some… rewrites,” Jimmy suggested. “If you can be wrenched away from that chapter.”
“I think I can be,” Kim said with a smile, “How would you start that… rewrite?”
Jimmy walked to the closet and began to sift through it, sliding several of Kim’s business suits down the bar before ending up on a long, tan puffy dress.
“This looks kind of like the dress on the cover,” Jimmy mused. Kim groaned.
“I had to wear that to my mother’s wedding to ‘Call Me Gerald’,” she said, “It was way too long on me and loose, too. I’m not putting that on.” She didn’t have a chance to follow that up as Jimmy took the hanger out of the closet and retreated to the bathroom. He didn’t see her eyes go wide, but he pictured it, and he could hear rustling as he managed to unzip the dress and then slowly maneuver himself into it, unable to zip up the back but finding the front in seemingly the place it was supposed to be – how did anyone regularly wear dresses, anyway? – and then bursting out into the bedroom to find Kim in the midst of pulling on what appeared to be the puffiest, pirate-est looking shirt in Jimmy’s own closet.
“Wow,” he announced, “Great minds.”
“Are you going to board my ship, fair damsel?” Kim inquired. “Or are you too afraid of my pirate wrath? Would you rather stay in your big, fancy castle and wile your days away spinning straw into gold?”
“I’d like to sail the high seas with you… But first, I have to know a little bit more about what I would be getting into. I heard that you pirates like to, uh, ravish fair maidens. So I don’t think I could board a vessel with a rake such as you, unless you can promise to protect… my honor.”
“Your honor, madam?”
“My honor,” Jimmy said, with a little giggle that made Kim’s face contort as she tried to stop from bursting into laughter herself. “I may just have to run back home because only naughty maids climb on to pirate ships.”
“Well, would you like to be a naughty maid?” Kim inquired. “It sounds like a wee bit more fun than trying to be a proper maid all the time.”
“I don’t know…” Jimmy grabbed a piece of cardboard and simulated a ramp from the “dock” on to the “ship” that was the bed. “If I get on here, I’m all alone with all of these naughty pirate boys.”
“I think you should climb on and then find out. I promise that… even though I’m a pirate, I have a lot of honor. I only… uh, board ships where they seem like they’ll be pretty okay with it.”
Jimmy laughed, pretending to “climb” on to the “boat”.
“Do a lot of people tend to be okay with it?”
“Well, in this case most of the crew had already fallen overboard, and the only guy left was an old man who was okay with anything as long as I caught him some fish.”
“Where is he now?” Jimmy sat on the bed and moved just a little bit closer to Kim.
“Below deck. Eating fish.”
“Are you… also good at eating fish?” Jimmy asked, fluttering his eyelashes, or at least attempting to.
Kim burst out laughing.
“That’s wha’ my beloved said, before she ran away to join the circus. She fell right in love with a sword swallower, and I was never quite the same again.” She flashed a cheeky smile that, Jimmy felt, did look quite pirate-like in its way, and then he couldn’t stop himself from leaning in and pressing his lips against hers.
Jimmy blushed after he pulled back, something he hadn’t realized he was able to do on command until now. He filed away that it might be a very vital skill in the life of Saul Goodman, though he doubted he would have to pretend to be a virginial maiden for any of his court cases. Then again, who knew?
“I’m going to come aboard… I trust you. Maybe I shouldn’t but… I think you’ll protect my honor.” Jimmy laid back and smiled. He batted his eyelashes again.
“Are you sure, fair maiden?” Kim asked, then leaned in and pressed a kiss against his lips. “Because the more I look at you, the more I may not be able to deny the urge to besmirch your honor.”
Jimmy began to spread his legs, which tangled in the dress was a little easier said than done. He thought to himself that whoever said that dresses were for easy access hadn’t been the ones having to wear them.
“I think… Now that I am far from the morays of my land, I may be willing to allow my honor to be besmirched. I was the ward to my evil uncle… Howard, and he never let me go out on the town. He ruined my coming out party, as well.”
“Well, how about you come out of those clothes and that will serve him right?” Kim whispered huskily into Jimmy’s ear, reaching behind him to unzip the dress as slowly as humanly possible. Jimmy wasn’t sure if she was creating the mood, or if the zipper had snagged on something as it made its way down the back, but either way the sound and feeling both created a kind of anticipation that he couldn’t describe. Too bad he hadn’t thought of this in enough time to drum up a corset.
Kim’s hands gently pushed down the dress to reveal Jimmy’s chest, and he laid back further and help wiggle out of the rest of it with Kim’s health.
“It’s been so long since I’ve seen a fair maiden,” Kim commented, “Especially as fair as you.”
“Oh, you’re such a strong, hulking… brute?” Jimmy started, then leaned into it, “Your hands are very skillful with my… garments.”
Jimmy looked up and watched as Kim began to pull off her shirt, then unzip her pants and began to step out of them.
That was when he heard it – drum drum drum drum drum. The sound of a phone vibrating on the nightstand.
“Is that yours?” Jimmy asked, and Kim shrugged. “You should get it. It might be work stuff.”
“Right now?” Kim asked.
“You can multitask. Pirates have to attend to many things while on the high seas.”
Kim reached over and hit the “answer” button, placing the phone to her ear.
“Hello? Well, yes, Rich, I can definitely… ah…” Jimmy had taken the opportunity to begin to slowly kiss up Kim’s thighs, taking a tiny bit of skin between his lips, then his teeth, just a little. “Make that preliminary conference…”
Jimmy lapped over to the left, teasing Kim’s clit with his tongue a moment before going back to the other thigh and teasing it, too.
“I think we should really good for, uhh, a plea deal. I think we can get it easy enough and – ohh – no jail time. I mean, he’s just – it’s just, uhh, a first time offense, and if we put a pair of glasses on him, he’ll look like an angel. Then just – ohh – oh, nothing, Rich. My heel just broke. I have to go, mmmm fix my heel, it’s stuck in a floorboard, but please tell him to keep his clothes on in the middle of the Homecoming game next time.” Kim let out an airy laugh and then said, “I’m so sorry, I need to go, uh, my service is going…” He heard her stifle a giggle, “In and out. I’m on, ummmm, the train… Parking is… so expensive so I decided, uh, oooh, to go to the station and… I’d better go now, it’s the Quiet Car.” Jimmy felt her hips thrust towards his mouth before her shaking hand pressed the “hang up” button. The moment the call was disconnected, she burst into a mix of giggles and moans.
“You kept it cool,” Jimmy said, laughing.
“Well, I had to…” Kim replied with a groan, wiggling her hips, “I’m a cool and calm pirate, after all. Argh.” Her eyes slipped shut and she shuddered with her orgasm. “Ooohhh… Jimmy. Shit.” She dragged her hand over her eyes as she caught her breath.
Jimmy slipped back up into a seated position.
“Oh, you dastardly pirate. I never did anything like that before… What other naughty, naughty things will you be teaching me to do on your ship of sin?”
Kim chuckled and whispered, “Well, we might need a strap-on for that part.” Jimmy shot her a playful, but slightly reluctant, thumbs-up.
“What was Rich calling about at eleven at night, anyway?” Jimmy asked.
“Oh, just this damn case. Rich kid’s parents got me running around trying to get Montana Max out of his latest ordeal.”
“Tell me more,” Jimmy whispered, kissing up her neck, to her cheek.
“No,” Kim complained. “It’s not in character. I can’t really go ‘ahoy, matey, that scurvy cur showed up to the Homecoming game with his message in a bottle at full mast.’ Or, well, I guess I just did.”
Jimmy laughed and pressed a kiss to her lips.
“I’m glad my ship washed up on your shore. Or something.”
Kim scooted up to Jimmy and put her head on his shoulder.
“You also looked really good in that dress. I can’t lie,” she told him.
“Can we use it for robot sex the next time?”
Kim closed her eyes and let out a soft breath, slowly dozing off into sleep.
“Maybe.”