Work Text:
sawamura took a deep breath. in. out. eyes closed. arms still at his sides. shoulders tense. in. out. his breath was shaky as it blew past pursed lips. his eyelids rose gradually, revealing an uncharacteristic dismay in his gaze. he tried to steady his trembling hand as he lifted it gently, placing it on the cold metal doorknob. in. out. memories came rushing back like a waterfall, flooding his head with unwanted thoughts.
“i did this for the team! i did this for you!”
“well maybe you shouldn’t have! i never asked you to ruin our chances like this!”
he blinked rapidly, trying his best to keep his eyes from tearing up. he couldn’t bear to be reminded of the torment it caused him. he shook his head lightly.
“i’m so done with this! i can’t believe you’d care more about a fucking sport than your own friend!”
“f-friend…?”
what felt like endless screaming from the night before, now rung deafeningly in his ears.
“i do so much for you, sawamura, and you never give a shit about me!”
“w-wait, no…”
he felt so heartless. so empty. a broken shell of the person he was the day before. he bit down on his bottom lip. in. out. sawamura delicately turned the knob, opening the door unhurriedly. he didn’t bother looking up. he already knew kuramochi was there. he already knew the other boy wouldn’t so much as look in his direction. not a single word was spoken as sawamura dropped his bag on the floor.
he picked up his manga from where it sat on his desk, warm under the lamp he unintentionally left on from earlier. he shuffled to his bed with a dreary air to him. his breathing grew stable and silent, though his hands were still sweaty as he lay down on his bed, flipping through well-kept pages to the spot where he left the thin slip of paper he used as a bookmark. sawamura took short worried glances at kuramochi, eyes filled with guilt. he was nervous. apprehensive. he wanted to say something. he wanted kuramochi to say something. anything. but there was still a suffocating tension in the air.
last night, kuramochi had entered their dorm room limping. sawamura watched him, arms crossed with the look of utter disappointment in his eyes.
“you wanna explain what that little stunt of yours was?” he said sternly with the voice of a strict father.
kuramochi let out a light chuckle at sawamura’s unexpected tone. “i just really wanted to win,” he replied with a sad smile. “i guess i tried a little too hard, huh.” he trudged towards his bed, lying down slowly as sawamura continued talking.
earlier that day, the team had a rather intense game, despite it only being the quarterfinals. while trying desperately to make it onto home base, kuramochi had twisted his ankle, rendering him incapable of playing for the rest of the day, along with any other games they had within the next few weeks. he’d miss out on the semifinals and the finals, if they even made it to the latter. his injury nearly costed them the game. they were only up by one run by the end it, just barely making it without the help of kuramochi’s speed. sawamura was furious at his recklessness.
kuramochi explained to the other boy that he felt so determined to win. after witnessing sawamura’s performance as the starting pitcher, seeing how hard he was working that day, kuramochi felt inclined to give back to him in a way. nonetheless, even with his explanation, sawamura remained unmoved. he scolded kuramochi for making such a risky play. sawamura felt that with his insane speed and skillful fielding, kuramochi was a pivotal part of the team. in his mind, there was no way they could make it to nationals, let alone finals, without his help. and sawamura was enraged because of it.
their argument quickly escalated to a full blown screaming contest. kuramochi had grown livid as well. thinking back, sawamura was sure there were boys from the other rooms lying awake, listening uncomfortably as the two yelled at one another. sawamura continued barking back loudly, feeling the heat of anger pulsating throughout his body. but his entire attitude changed with one sentence. that one word. “friend”. kuramochi had never called sawamura his friend before. sawamura never knew his upperclassman had thought of them as friends. he didn’t think he ever would. didn’t know he ever could. sawamura’s pace slowed down tremendously as his mind drew a blank, barely processing the words that harshly rushed out of kuramochi’s mouth. he felt a sharp pain in his chest, remorse rising in his throat as he thought back to his curtly spoken words. it felt as though there was a pit in his stomach, ready to swallow him whole, getting larger with every word kuramochi said.
sawamura was left speechless as kuramochi shouted, “i do so much for you, sawamura, and you never give a shit about me!” he was so clearly in anguish. and by his bitter tone, sawamura could tell that he had been suffering for a while now. and it was all his fault.
all that came out in response was, “w-wait, no…” as kuramochi spoke again, not waiting even a second to let sawamura continue.
“i’m not doing this anymore.” he shook his head absentmindedly. “you can play your stupid little games. i won’t get in your way,” he said as he lay back, bringing the covers up to his neck and turning to face away from the younger boy. his tone was sour. and it stung like nothing sawamura had ever experienced before. his body burned as he was filled with profound shame. he felt so terrible. how could he completely dismiss kuramochi’s feelings like that? all for the sake of winning a few baseball games. sawamura stood up languidly, turning off the lights and walking back over to lie down in his bed. he pressed his face to his soft pillow, letting the hot tears of guilt and sorrow soak the cloth of the pillowcase.
the next day, they hadn’t spoken at all. not when they changed, not when they ate, not even when they stood beside one another, listening to their friends and teammates talk amongst themselves. they both tried not to let it show, but it was evident they were both hurt by the words they exchanged. they avoided each other as much as they could for the rest of the day. not a single word spoken between them. until now.
“sawamura,” kuramochi called, sitting up on his bed, resting his hands on his lap. even with the tense atmosphere, he so casually looked at sawamura, gently patting the space beside him on the bed, ushering the boy to sit with him. sawamura turned his head to face the older boy, eyes soft and lips parted. he got up wearily, a little dazed and somewhat uneasy, unsure of what was to come.
sawamura sat at the edge of the bed, not too far from kuramochi. he must have wanted to talk about last night. sawamura could tell kuramochi preferred to have a much quieter conversation this time. “look,” kuramochi began, “i’m sorry…for yelling at you like that.” he stared directly at sawamura with apologetic eyes. sawamura clutched the fabric of his sweatpants tightly. he couldn’t bring himself to lock eyes with his upperclassman. he could only steal quick glances at kuramochi, struggling to muster up to courage to even look at the other boy as he spoke. kuramochi continued, “i uh...got a little carried away, i guess.” he rubbed the back of his neck slowly. he was nervous. he didn’t seem to show it, but sawamura could tell.
the younger boy pondered furiously, frantically searching for something to respond with. something to show that he cared about this just as much as kuramochi did. but nothing came to mind. not fast enough anyway. kuramochi spoke again, at a much slower pace this time, “i shouldn’t have snapped at you like that. i know how much you care about the team and our success.” sawamura’s head shot up to look at kuramochi. he hated this. he hated how kuramochi blamed himself. as if he was the one at fault here. “it was really insensitive of me to put the blame on you.” the apology felt so unfamiliar on kuramochi’s tongue, but sawamura could tell it was sincere. and that was the part he hated most. the fact that kuramochi genuinely felt as though he was in the wrong. sawamura clenched his jaw at the pain he wasn’t willing to admit was afflicted on him by kuramochi’s words. “i…i’m sorry i failed you…” that was it. sawamura couldn’t take it any longer. sawamura leaned forward, placing his hands atop kuramochi’s, squeezing them firmly as he shouted in kuramochi’s face.
“you’re not-!” he cut himself off, calming down and lowering his voice significantly. “you’re not the one who should be apologizing.” kuramochi stared at sawamura with a surprise-ridden face, flustered at the younger boy’s sudden outburst. sawamura felt like this was his only chance to let out all of his emotions, so he proceeded to do just that, unconsciously drifting further forward. “i’m the one who should be begging for forgiveness. i shut you down for trying to help me out in the game. i completely dismissed your efforts and blamed you for your injury when…when it was really all my fault.” sawamura looked away as he spoke with his usual unmatched passion. every word motivated him to say more. to properly express the harsh guilt he endured. kuramochi looked like he wanted to say something, but wasn’t fully prepared to speak just yet, so sawamura took his chance to continue. “i’m sorry. i’m so sorry.” he looked up, deep remorse in his gaze as he stared into kuramochi’s tender eyes. “i cared more about the consequences to the game than about your wellbeing. i put baseball above you. and i took you for granted. not as a player, but as a friend.” kuramochi returned his confession with a warm smile. “you do SO so much for me and i’ve never given it a second thought. you’re such an amazing friend and i didn’t realize it until yesterday.” he let out an airy chuckle, “i didn’t even know you thought of us as friends. i didn’t think you cared about be like that,” he said, looking down with a shy smile.
kuramochi lifted his left hand a bit to interlock their fingers, moving forward slightly. “i care about you a lot more than you know,” he said with a smooth voice. sawamura started blushing a little at kuramochi’s words. he continued, “i didn’t know how to tell you, so i wanted to show you by doing well in the game, but that didn’t go as planned.” he glanced over at his ankle resting at the other end of the bed. kuramochi took his right hand out from under sawamura’s and placed it tenderly on his shoulder. sawamura was taken aback at the unexpected touch. it was only now that he realized just how close they were. “i just wanted you to notice me. notice how much i care about you. and…for you to care about me the same way.”
“b-but i do care about you!” sawamura retorted desperately, jerking forward.
“you do?” kuramochi asked with expectant eyes, hand subconsciously making its way up to the side of sawamura’s neck, caressing his cheek lightly. sawamura pressed his lips together, nodding vigorously. “then show me.”
sawamura’s eyebrows furrowed in bewilderment. “wha-“ he wasn’t able to finish before kuramochi swiftly pulled him into an unexpected kiss. kuramochi’s eyelids drifted shut as his hand promptly grasped sawamura’s arm firmly. his other hand moved to the back of sawamura’s head, clenching his smooth brown hair, pulling him in deeper.
sawamura’s cheeks grew a deep red as his wide eyes slowly closed as well. the pace of his heart quickened tremendously. whatever butterflies were in his stomach wanted to escape. badly. his fingertips tingled and his ears burned. this felt good. really good. sawamura felt his worries and inhibitions fade away. he started getting into it. he started to kiss back. kuramochi smiled at the realization. sawamura pressed hard into the kiss, unintentionally pushing kuramochi to fall back. he placed his hand on kuramochi’s chest, the other falling to the bed at kuramochi’s side. sawamura chased after his lips as kuramochi reclined, removing his hands that held tightly onto sawamura to use his elbows as support.
he broke the kiss briefly, looking at sawamura’s position over him, then back to the other boy’s amber eyes. he licked his top lip and grinned as he teased, “eager, aren’t we?”
sawamura looked rather puzzled until he acknowledged the placement of both of his hands. his cheeks flushed, filled with embarrassment. he jerked back and stuttered, “a-ah i-i-i’m sorry! i didn’t-“
kuramochi grabbed hold of the collar of the younger boy’s shirt, effectively cutting him off as he was too shocked to speak. “i never said i didn’t like it.” sawamura’s cheeks reddened even deeper, eyes widening slightly as he was yanked back into the kiss once more, lips messily smashing together. they continued making out for longer. getting closer. kissing harder. sawamura clenched kuramochi’s shirt into a tight fist. kuramochi brought his hand back up behind sawamura’s head, tangling it in the boy’s hair. lips pressed together. breath hot. bodies relaxed, melting into one another. sawamura noted that kuramochi was a very passionate kisser. and a little rough too. sawamura didn’t know he liked it rough. he didn’t know he wanted to be pulled into a dominating kiss as harshly as kuramochi had done it. all he knew was that he wanted more.
he pushed back just as coarsely, not giving either of them time to breathe. they both pulled away, panting heavily. sawamura spoke between weighted breaths, “so…you see…how much…i care about you…now?!”
kuramochi smirked as he responded breathlessly, “shut up…idiot.” a wide grin made its way onto sawamura’s face.
he moved back down once he caught his breath, but kuramochi turned his head to the side, making sawamura plant his lips on kuramochi’s cheek instead. “hey!” sawamura whined jokingly. kuramochi turned back to look at him and respond.
“we should stop now. you’ve got a game tomorrow.”
sawamura pouted, clearly displeased. “but i wanna keep going.”
kuramochi shook his head lazily, “too bad.”
“what if i told you i loved you?” sawamura pleaded desperately.
“nope,” kuramochi replied instantly.
“what if i meant it?”
“still no.”
sawamura brought his forehead to kuramochi’s, gazing innocently into his eyes. “what if i really meant it?”
kuramochi smiled sweetly. he placed a gentle kiss on the tip of sawamura’s nose. “nuh-uh.”
sawamura puffed his cheeks in response. his face quickly shifted into a much softer, loving expression. “okay!” he exclaimed cheerfully. “goodnight!” he promptly kissed kuramochi on the cheek and nuzzled his head affectionately into the boy’s neck.
“oi! sleep on your own bed! and go turn off the lights!”
“no,” he said with his familiar bright smile. “we’ll just have to sleep with the lights on tonight.”
“man, you’re annoying.”
sawamura giggled playfully. he then looked up at kuramochi, eyes warm and delicate. he stared at the green-haired boy with a fond gaze. he spoke softly, a message noticeably coming from the bottom of his heart. “i love you. i really really do.”
kuramochi gave him a genuine caring smile. it felt like forever since sawamura last saw that smile. a look filled with such deep and staunch affection. “i love you more than i can even say.”
sawamura grinned pleasantly. there was a small comfortable silence between them before sawamura blurted out abruptly, “good! now let’s sleep!” it was just like him to be so casual about it. kuramochi wanted to roll his eyes, but he couldn’t help but keep smiling like an idiot. he let himself drift to sleep with sawamura lying down on top of him as he felt the boy take in a peaceful deep breath. in. out.