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Eiji heard his own name being called from beside him, pulling him out of an already-forgotten dream.
He and Ash had been sleeping in the same bed for months now—ever since everything with Banana Fish settled down and Ash finally started allowing himself to be closer to Eiji—so it wasn’t unusual for him to be woken by Ash’s nightmares. But it had never been his name before.
He was about to reach for Ash, when—
“Eiji,” Ash mumbled again. “No, please.”
Eiji’s breath caught. Was he the one hurting Ash in his dream? For a moment, guilt stabbed through him. Had he done something to betray Ash’s trust, to the point where Ash now had dreams about Eiji hurting him? And of course Ash wouldn’t tell him, of course he wouldn’t, because he would want to handle everything by himself like always, and he wouldn’t want Eiji to blame himself, even though it was clearly his fault, and—
“Let him go,” Ash said, his voice barely a murmur. Eiji stared, wide-eyed. “I’ll do it. I’ll—” he cut off. Then, “Please, take me instead.” His body tensed suddenly, and he released a sound somewhere between a gasp and a sob.
Eiji didn’t hesitate this time.
“Ash!” he shouted. In his desperation to get Ash away from whatever visions his mind was playing, he grabbed his friend, his love, his soulmate, by the shoulders and shook him. It was soft, but it was enough.
Ash gasped violently, his whole body flinching as he did. His eyes snapped open and focused on the figure above him. Before Eiji had time to even register that Ash was awake, he was suddenly thrown to the floor. His head snapped back against the edge of the nightstand, dazing him for a moment.
“Get away from me!” Ash cried. He scrambled backwards off the bed and fell to the floor himself, too. “Don’t touch me!” A sob, then, quieter: “Don’t touch him. Please.”
Eiji gingerly pulled himself to his feet. He was mostly uninjured, but ... he put a hand to the back of his head and pulled it to the front of his face, seeing the tinge of red on his fingers. He quickly wiped it on his pajama pants, thankful that his dark hair would likely hide any mark on his head.
He approached Ash.
Ash, who was still on the floor, panting, staring down into the carpet. From what little Eiji could see at this angle and in the low light, his eyes looked glazed over. Eiji lowered himself back to the floor, so he wouldn’t be standing over him, and inched closer.
“Hey,” he breathed. “Ash, it’s me.”
Ash’s head shot up, eyes focusing on Eiji.
“It’s me,” Eiji repeated. “Can you see me?”
A hard, shaky breath, almost a sob in and of itself, came out of Ash before he slowly nodded.
“Are you okay?”
Another nod. None of his dreams in the past had shaken him up quite this badly before.
“Do you want to talk about your nightmare?”
Ash’s eyes widened, and for a moment Eiji worried that he had made a mistake. Ash usually chose not to talk about what he saw in his sleep at night, but he’d always been okay with Eiji asking in the past. Eiji bit his lip.
“You don’t have to—”
“They were going to take you away,” Ash interrupted, voice rushed and hoarse. “They were going to—They can’t, Eiji, they can’t, they can’t ... do that to you.” He practically shivered, wrapping his arms around himself and looking down.
Eiji’s mind supplied him with Ash’s sleep-induced words from only minutes ago: Let him go. I’ll do it. Please, take me instead.
He stared at Ash, something deep inside his chest hurting immensely.
“Can I hold you?” he asked, opening his arms slightly with his offer.
Ash looked up, hesitation on his features.
“You don’t ha—”
Eiji’s words were cut off as Ash all but leapt into his arms. Eiji held him and, after a moment, he held Eiji back. Ash’s hand wandered into Eiji’s hair, combing through, until—
Eiji winced, just a little.
Ash pulled back immediately.
Damn him and his dumb, genius mind.
“What’s wrong?” Ash asked. His voice was pitched low, urgent, almost all traces of fear gone completely. For a moment, Eiji was back to living in an affluent apartment with New York City’s most feared gang leader, danger always just around the edges of his vision.
“Nothing,” Eiji replied, too quickly.
The corner of Ash’s mouth lifted up, just a little, and Eiji almost smiled himself at the sight. “You’re a shit liar, and you always have been. What’s wrong?”
“I ... fell.” There. Not technically a lie.
Ash’s eyes narrowed and he stared at Eiji for a moment. Then he sucked in a breath and pulled away from Eiji entirely, standing up so quickly that he almost fell back down immediately. He stumbled backwards until his back hit the wall. “I pushed you,” he whispered.
“No!” Eiji shouted. “You ... you just—”
“Eiji, I threw you.” His eyes were wide, horrified. “I remember.”
“Ash, no!” Eiji cried. “No no no, don’t do this. You were asleep.”
“I wasn’t.”
“You would never hurt me.”
“But I did.”
“I still trust you, Ash!”
Ash slid down the wall until he was seated on the floor, knees curled into his chest. “But you shouldn’t.” He shook his head, still staring straight at Eiji. “I should have known. All I do is hurt people.”
“Please, Ash, listen to me. You’re not like that.” He took a step toward him.
“Don’t come near me!” Ash shouted. He pressed back into the wall, bare feet slipping on the carpet. He ducked his head down. “Stay away from me. I’ll hurt you.”
Eiji froze. Even if Ash’s reasons were wrong, he still would never cross any boundary Ash set. No matter what.
“All I do is kill people,” Ash said again. He laughed—a broken, humorless laugh. “I’m a prostitute and a murderer, through and through. That’s all I’m good for. Hurting people, and ...” He trailed off, then slowly lifted his head and looked directly into Eiji’s eyes. His expression wasn’t what Eiji was expecting—shock? “And ...” he repeated.
Ash closed his eyes for a few seconds, and when he reopened them, his expression had changed completely. His mouth was turned up in something like a confident smirk, and his eyes were lidded slightly, as though his eyelashes were too heavy. He looked up at Eiji, blinking a few times—batting his eyelashes—and he wet his lips with his tongue. Eiji realized what Ash was thinking.
They hadn’t had sex yet.
As far as Eiji knew, they weren’t going to, and that was fine. Not that he wasn’t ... into Ash. Almost anyone would be. The boy could make the straightest men question their sexuality with a glance. And Eiji was already gay. Not to mention hopelessly in love with Ash Lynx.
But Eiji didn’t need sex. And he didn’t understand how anyone could need sex badly enough to hurt someone, though he suspected that it had less to do with sex and more to do with cruelty and power. But Eiji had a hand, when he needed to take care of things. Ash had never brought the subject up, and Eiji certainly wasn’t going to. He assumed it would never happen between them, and he knew that if it ever did, it would be on Ash’s terms.
This is not what he meant by on Ash’s terms.
Ash gracefully rose to his feet, and Eiji was reminded of his cat namesake.
“Ash?” Eiji’s voice came out high and strained. He had a pretty good idea of where Ash’s mind was.
“Eiji.” The single word—Eiji’s name on Ash’s lips—it was coy, playful. Then, in a more serious tone: “You mean everything to me.” He took a slow step closer, and Eiji resisted the urge to back up.
“And you’re my everything, Ash. You know that.”
“You’ve done so much for me, for so long now,” Ash continued, stepping closer again. “And I’ve never shown my appreciation.” He bit his lower lip for a moment. “I feel bad. I want to do something for you, Eiji.”
Eiji found more of Ash’s words echoing through his head again. I’m a prostitute and a murderer. That’s all I’m good for. Hurting people, and ...
And sex.
Eiji swallowed, surprised to find that his throat hurt almost as much as his chest, and both hurt more than the dull ache from the injury at the back of his head. His whole body felt awake with sensation, but he found himself choking back tears.
“Ash, you don’t have to do this,” he said softly. “I wanted to be there for you, and I never expected anything in return. And besides, you’ve given me so much already. You’ve saved me, over and over. You’ve given me your trust, your love. That’s enough, Ash. I wouldn’t ask for anything more.”
A flash of something almost like anger shot through Ash’s eyes. “No!” he said. “Eiji, I need to—” He closed his eyes and bit his lip again—hard, this time, all traces of seduction gone. “I need to repay you. This is all I know. This is all I can do. Please, Eiji, take it. Take me. This is all I can give you.” His voice sounded close to tears. He opened his eyes and stepped closer one more time, now within arm’s length of Eiji. When he reached out he didn’t quite touch, but let his hand hover around Eiji’s waist. “Please,” he begged again.
Eiji felt his own eyes burning, but he looked directly at Ash anyway. “Ash, no.”
Ash dropped his arm back to his own side and sobbed.
It only took a moment before he all but collapsed to the floor, bringing his knees to his chest and tucking his head onto them. His crying grew harder, and Eiji carefully sat on the floor in front of him.
“Do you want me to hold you again?” he asked.
Ash laughed incredulously through his tears, a bitter sound as though he was surprised at the offer. Eiji decided that it was in the top ten saddest sounds he’d ever heard. He had a feeling that if he really thought about it, most of the other nine would have come from Ash’s lips as well.
“I’d love to hold you here in my arms, Ash. I want to take care of you, if you’ll let me.”
Ash nodded, barely visible with how curled in on himself he was.
Eiji slowly moved over to Ash, making sure that his presence was known at all times and he wouldn’t surprise him. He carefully wrapped his arms around him. His soulmate.
Ash scoffed. “You’re the one who’s hurt. And I hurt you. You shouldn’t be comforting me.”
“It’s okay, Ash. You’re hurt, too. And I want to help you.”
“But I don’t ... I don’t deserve ...”
“You do. You do. You deserve all the happiness in the world, Ash, and that means that if I make you happy, I’ll be here too.”
Ash took a shaky breath and held it for a moment. Instead of responding, he let it out in a sob again.
“It’s okay,” Eiji repeated. “I love you. I trust you. I’m here for you. Forever, Ash.”
Forever.